Wife had an A, can't sleep or eat!

[The Blue Knight]

That is what sucks, BK that I might have to let W go in order to get her back. So once W overcomes the ties, maybe we might have a chance? I don't think I can wait around too long though.

Everyone here has different methods, and some led to successes and others to failures. In the end, it really depends the most on the wayward spouses emotional state I believe personally. Some are just too far gone I'm sorry to say . . . and no attempt on your part is going to make any difference. If you read Pete's recent posting about his wife, that's a good example of a woman who was already checked out before he could even try to get her back.

 

For me, I recall that once I had discovered my ex-wife's infidelity, I was left with the impression that I had the absolute truth, and that she was recommitted to making the marriage work. The affair was very short and very limited when I discovered it. Being a bit jaded and cynical of her true motives, I set up a method of taping my telephones incoming and outgoing calls (this is before cells were common) since I was working afternoons into the late evenings at that time, and within a few days I came home from a middle-shift around midnight, played back a couple of attempts of her calling him and that was it. Nothing physical happened between them, but that was all I needed to give her the boot. I woke her from a dead sleep, tossed a suitcase on our bed, told her to pack her @&$ and that she was leaving.

 

She went to the OM's place as I assumed she would (he was a middle-aged loser who lived with his parents). Knowing his living situation, I figured she couldn't hold out very long. She only lasted a couple of days before she was asking to return home and then I set the conditions.

 

The reality of his actual true-life existence didn't set well with her. He was jobless, and at age 45 didn't have much to show for his life. He lived in the upstairs loft of his parents town-home. That was a big part of what got her to come back to the marriage. The alternative frightened her.

 

But I was fairly confident that it wouldn't last and I have no idea what your competition is H4B. My ex only had a very limited time to get to know the guy and as I stated, he had nothing going for him. My ex was a fairly accomplished woman professionally and I knew he didn't hold a candle to me in reality. I was working a professional job, I was a good Dad to my kids, I was dependable, I didn't have any vices or shortfalls, I was all the things that she normally would look for in a man, and this guy was none of those things.

[The Blue Knight]

The fog is when the WS is confused and doesn't know what they want, or they want something that is completely unrealistic...like resuming the affair AND keeping their marriage.

 

They completely lose the ability for rational thinking during that time.

 

We can agree to disagree here...but I've seen it pretty clearly first hand how it can take an otherwise rational, intelligent person and cause them to spout some of the most juvenile logic you've ever seen.

I agree Owl. With some the "fog" is very real. The WS has no clue what they want or don't want. They are literally walking around in a zombie-like fashion confused about their own motives, their own actions, and their suddenly altered self-values. Personally, I'd prefer the fog state of mind because I think they are more reachable.

 

With others, it's less a "fog" state of mind, and more an element of buying time to decide what their next move is. As is the case of H4B's wife who states, "I'm not sure what I want" when he's asking. That's a "ride the fence" / "I need to buy some time" comment. She's not in a fog. She's just trying to decide if she wants to take the giant leap or stay where it's safe for the time being. In other words, she's busy calculating her next move at this point.

[The Blue Knight]

BK, I am hoping you had a success in reconciliation? If so, when did she exactly come around, would you say?

 

I wish I could say that was the case H4B. My ex had two very brief affairs. And I do mean brief because I detected both of them almost immediately. She really didn't have time to develop closeness to either man.

 

She suffered from some major depression issues however for the last few years of our marriage. And if she was anything it was inconsistent from day-to-day emotionally. For instance, just six months before she filed for divorce we were in Mexico and she was telling me that "our marriage is perfect." And that week in Mexico was perfect by all appearances. Does that tell you what I was dealing with?

 

In the end she filed for divorce two years after the second affair and by that time I had had a belly full of her emotional roller coaster ride, so although I was sad at the failure of the marriage, I was very relieved that I wouldn't have to go on dealing with her emotional baggage. Nothing sucks the life out of you like that type of a relationship.

 

I remarried a much better match for me whom I met and dated just a couple months later, and we just celebrated our 15th anniversary.

 

But the emotions from back when this happened will stay with you for your entire life. I can remember those feelings like they were yesterday if I close my eyes and imagine myself back in that time period.

 

Much of the cheating and philandering I see today is bad domestic situations from a law enforcement perspective. Sucks to watch others go through so much pain.

 

_________

 

Okay, my wife just walked in and she had an Electric Lemonade before driving home and seems to be feeling frisky. I'll continue connecting with you tomorrow. Take care buddy.

[Hoping4Better]

I agree Owl. With some the "fog" is very real. The WS has no clue what they want or don't want. They are literally walking around in a zombie-like fashion confused about their own motives, their own actions, and their suddenly altered self-values. Personally, I'd prefer the fog state of mind because I think they are more reachable.

 

With others, it's less a "fog" state of mind, and more an element of buying time to decide what their next move is. As is the case of H4B's wife who states, "I'm not sure what I want" when he's asking. That's a "ride the fence" / "I need to buy some time" comment. She's not in a fog. She's just trying to decide if she wants to take the giant leap or stay where it's safe for the time being. In other words, she's busy calculating her next move at this point.

Whoa! What a night! I finally had her convinced to tell me the details I seek, and boy that really sucked like just like everybody said it would be! In a month time, the guy had managed to make her believing that she was the best thing that has happened to him, although she knows it was just sex. Hot sex, she says. And misses him, misses his touch and affection. This is more than what I bargained for I guess. Miss him?! Don't know how to deal with this 'news' yet. At least she is being honest, that's a plus

[SomedayDig]

Yeah, brother...it is most definitely difficult to hear those things. Again, my wife had a 5 year affair with the OM. I only found out 9 weeks ago yesterday. However, being honest IS a huge thing. Even if pain comes out of that honesty, if you truly want to reconcile, it is the only way.

[The Blue Knight]

Whoa! What a night! I finally had her convinced to tell me the details I seek, and boy that really sucked like just like everybody said it would be! In a month time, the guy had managed to make her believing that she was the best thing that has happened to him, although she knows it was just sex. Hot sex, she says. And misses him, misses his touch and affection. This is more than what I bargained for I guess. Miss him?! Don't know how to deal with this 'news' yet. At least she is being honest, that's a plus

There's a line no guy has ever dumped on a woman . . . "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." What an original he is.

[Hoping4Better]

Yeah, brother...it is most definitely difficult to hear those things. Again, my wife had a 5 year affair with the OM. I only found out 9 weeks ago yesterday. However, being honest IS a huge thing. Even if pain comes out of that honesty, if you truly want to reconcile, it is the only way.

Just can't imagine, sorry, bro. W was always attracted to older men, myself included - he is 5 years senior than me - and said that while act of sex itself wasn't great, W longed for his touch because the way he mad her feel. I guess a question is, what now?

[The Blue Knight]

Just can't imagine, sorry, bro. W was always attracted to older men, myself included - he is 5 years senior than me - and said that while act of sex itself wasn't great, W longed for his touch because the way he mad her feel. I guess a question is, what now?

 

You need to decide on a plan H4B. Owl laid out some good points on one of his posts. I think it was this thread. Either the hardline (boot her to the curb) method or the softer (win her back with love) approach. You know your wife best. Which way do you feel is best to proceed?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Since she is still longing for the OM..I'd say not to separate if you want your M to heal. That'll just give her more opportunity and license. It's really about how much crap you can endure I think before you throw the towel in. Make what you need very clear. She should have no contact, you need her to demonstrate that she loves you. You need honesty and full truth. But don't turn into an angry controlling person she doesn't want to be with; show her your good strong side as much as possible. Hopefully she comes around before you lose patience, if not then you separate. Beware of alcohol...I've heard of more than one story getting ruined by mixing the extreme emotions of infidelity and alcohol. You will screw up though sometimes. Don't beat yourself up when you do, just keep doing your best. Do what you need to do to make things work, only you will know when you've had enough.

 

For me there were two important factors:

1) How are we around our daughter? How is our daughter doing?

2) How am I functioning at work?

 

For me #2 just wasn't getting better after 6 months....so we're ending it.

[SomedayDig]

Just can't imagine, sorry, bro. W was always attracted to older men, myself included - he is 5 years senior than me - and said that while act of sex itself wasn't great, W longed for his touch because the way he mad her feel. I guess a question is, what now?

 

Sorry, I had to chuckle when I read that because that's almost exactly what my wife said. Sex wasn't great, but he paid attention to her and made her feel wanted. My retort was...ummm, what about all those times during the past 5 years I told you how beautiful you are and how sexy and a number of other things. Her brutal response was "I didn't want to hear it from you." See, my wife built a wall between us to justify the affair. It had nothing to do with me, much like your wife saying what she did has nothing to do with you. It's their ego needing to get fed. She's blocked you out for some reason and THAT is what you need to get to the bottom of. That's the WHY question to truly search for. That's what my wife and I have been working on and will be talking about in MC in a few hours. We have many things from before the affair that need to be fixed in order to move past this stuff. The affair, in my opinion, was a stupid and f'd up coping mechanism that did nothing except cause even more severe pain.

[Hoping4Better]

Since she is still longing for the OM..I'd say not to separate if you want your M to heal. That'll just give her more opportunity and license. It's really about how much crap you can endure I think before you throw the towel in. Make what you need very clear. She should have no contact' date=' you need her to demonstrate that she loves you. You need honesty and full truth. [/quote']

NH, sorry to hear it didn't work out for you and thanks for the advise. Things that's going for me right now is that NC, love for me and the fact that I finally had a progress getting details.I am not sure how much more I can endure, when's enough is enough?

[Hoping4Better]

Her brutal response was "I didn't want to hear it from you." See, my wife built a wall between us to justify the affair. It had nothing to do with me, much like your wife saying what she did has nothing to do with you.

This. Good luck with the MC. Maybe yours and mine must e-mailing each other, lol! I am pretty sure I heard that why part so many times from W so I should know by now, but what's yours say it is?

[SomedayDig]

Well, now my wife tells me that's what she WANTED to believe and she was simply fooling herself. However, she told me before that it was because I wasn't "there for her"..."I was not intimate any longer"...again it was simply her defense mechanism and a justification to screw some other guy. She gets that now. She understands that I was here all along.

[Hoping4Better]

Well, now my wife tells me that's what she WANTED to believe and she was simply fooling herself. However, she told me before that it was because I wasn't "there for her"..."I was not intimate any longer"...again it was simply her defense mechanism and a justification to screw some other guy. She gets that now. She understands that I was here all along.

Hope you keep me posted on how MC went, I'd love to know before mine next week.

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH, sorry to hear it didn't work out for you and thanks for the advise. Things that's going for me right now is that NC, love for me and the fact that I finally had a progress getting details.I am not sure how much more I can endure, when's enough is enough?

 

Only you can answer that really. For me the two canaries were how well we behave around our daughter and if I was able to function at work.

 

You decide on your criteria.

 

For me #2 was failing for far too long. My management has been very understanding, but that can only last so long.

[The Blue Knight]

Well, now my wife tells me that's what she WANTED to believe and she was simply fooling herself. However, she told me before that it was because I wasn't "there for her"..."I was not intimate any longer"...again it was simply her defense mechanism and a justification to screw some other guy. She gets that now. She understands that I was here all along.

SD, it's great that you're making progress, but don't those ridiculous twisted excuses just grow tiresome? Geez . . . it never ends. Just be forthright and say it the way it really happened so we can move on with the relationship!

[Hoping4Better]

As a part of the details, W gave me access to W FB and found the only message W sent to AP - he wasn't befriended on W acct.:

 

"ok so u dont want anything to do with me anymore? Or u want to give me time? he's out of my life. he and i are not good for each other anymore. dont u think u owe it to me to at least tell me we are done? did something happen? im sorry he called and threatened u. he wont do that anymore. i am not trying to stalk u or anything like that. i need closure. i want u so much i know u know. i just need to talk tell me its over anything. but please. u r my friend. i thought i was urs. u r a great guy. he's out of my house and my family has stepped up for me. i just want to b me. we dont have to do anything just talk. im sure u think u know whats right for me but i am a big girl. i can take care of myself. but i need u to hear me and i need to know what happened that changed. i miss u so much baby. i think about u all the time. if u dont want us anymore then fine. tell me. u dont need to hide from me. im a civil person. ok? im sorry...im so sad. u r so beautiful. i have been unhappy with him along time if it wasnt u it would have been somebody im guessing who knows. im not asking for the rest of ur life just talk."

 

It sure does hurt to know that I still might be a backup plan in her mind, but W says it's over and it was written right after she got busted. I don't want sound controlling but I am thinking they can still contact each other obviously - I know now for a fact that they had no contact since A - should I just let it go or make some of sort of demand, like closing FB acct.?

[Wanderer25]

Wow!!! I would be very worried if they are still underground. It looks like she was dumped. She did not choose the marriage. It was the default option. How are you keeping track of her?

[Hoping4Better]

Wow!!! I would be very worried if they are still underground. It looks like she was dumped. She did not choose the marriage. It was the default option. How are you keeping track of her?

I read somewhere when women gets emotionally involved and when they cross that physical side, most already decided to step out of the marriage in the first place and I believe that was the case with my W. And this was sent right after I found out and I screamed 'F*** b****, it's over!' and walked out. After I cooled, then I decided I was going to stick with this marriage. I don't even think I was her back-up plan come to think of it, if she decided to quit anyways.

[Hoping4Better]

So...I don't know where to start...this really sucks! After 2 days of 100% 'honesty' with each other, she ends up calling OM last night - OM blocked both our numbers the first day. When I confronted her, she said she was checking to see if I was checking up on her...I told her I'd be filing like I promised. She won't be calling him again, don't do this to her, she says. She wants me to take her phone, is she realizing I mean business? MC is on Monday, should I wait? Need some input, please!

[SandieBeach]

So...I don't know where to start...this really sucks! After 2 days of 100% 'honesty' with each other, she ends up calling OM last night - OM blocked both our numbers the first day. When I confronted her, she said she was checking to see if I was checking up on her...I told her I'd be filing like I promised. She won't be calling him again, don't do this to her, she says. She wants me to take her phone, is she realizing I mean business? MC is on Monday, should I wait? Need some input, please!

 

Hoping4Better, I am so sorry you are going through this. This is my opinion only, but it doesn't seem like she is ready to give up on the OM. I am very skeptical of WS who claim they no longer want the OP, and will do anything to keep the BS because they didn't realize how much the BS meant to them (and this includes my own H).

 

I never had an A (though I considered it), and my opinion is that women do get more emotionally involved than men. And especially if the OM is pulling back, that makes him way more desirable to the WS. I think your wife is infatuated with this man who apparently no longer wants her, and takes for granted what she has with you because you readily agreed to forgive her. I know your condition is that she be 100% honest, but you are still giving her a chance while the OM is rejecting her. I think her reaction, while unacceptable, is very human.

 

I am sorry I don't have a good advice on what you should do. Perhaps try and distance yourself from her if you can and think about what you need. Is it possible to get away for a couple of days? I don't remember if you have kids and if this wouldn't make sense. Just don't do anything irrational and drastic...I think for BS who are still in the fog, emotional reaction from the BS could have the opposite effect than if you react somewhat detachedly.

[Hoping4Better]

So W texted my sister, W just wanted to talk to OM one last time for closure when my sister asked W about the call. My sis tells me NOT to fret because her wanting to say bye isn't the same as W to be with OM. Am I supposed to buy this ****?!

[Wanderer25]

Your sister has no idea about your wife. She talked to your sister because she knew that she would get back to you and convince you.

 

When I confronted her, she said she was checking to see if I was checking up on her.

 

That is an obvious lie.

Tell her that you are filing because of the lies, not for breaking the NC. She is clearly obsessed with him. Next time she will do it with a payphone or some other means that you have no access to.

[anne1707]

So W texted my sister, W just wanted to talk to OM one last time for closure when my sister asked W about the call. My sis tells me NOT to fret because her wanting to say bye isn't the same as W to be with OM. Am I supposed to buy this ****?!

 

You buy it if it makes sense to you and you believe this to be the case. It may be true, it may not be. How reliable is your wife's sister in being honest with you (especially when you consider she knows your wife a lot better than posters on LS who have never met her).

 

If it is true, I can understand it (I felt like that too after my affair). I think I had mentioned in an earlier post in this thread that I was all over the place for a while and it did mean I did some stuff like this. However I eventually did get on top of my emotions and when able to think more clearly and see more clearly, I was able to focus on what I wanted with my H.

 

You need to make it clear to your wife however that a breach of NC is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate less than 100% commitment for much longer (if at all).

 

This is your marriage at the end of the day. You set the rules and boundaries that you need for recovery to happen. You, not a bunch of posters on LS, decide what you want.

[Hoping4Better]

If it is true, I can understand it (I felt like that too after my affair). I think I had mentioned in an earlier post in this thread that I was all over the place for a while and it did mean I did some stuff like this. However I eventually did get on top of my emotions and when able to think more clearly and see more clearly, I was able to focus on what I wanted with my H.

My first MC is next Monday, could you tell me how yours went the first time? We really need to get to MC and get something going!