Author Hoping4Better Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 I don't see what your wife has been doing to change things. Counseling? No contact with her OM? Wants to go backwards by going back to that job where he is? Does she know exactly why SHE cheated? The job is where ONS she works with NOT AP; W fears that if she quits and we don't work out that she has to support kids with no income. I told her to take that chance and she doesn't know what to do. ONS is going thru rehab right now and is trying work things out with his xGF, and she swears it was just stupid 'uh oh what the hell did we just do?' kinda thing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 The job is where ONS she works with NOT AP; W fears that if she quits and we don't work out that she has to support kids with no income. I told her to take that chance and she doesn't know what to do. ONS is going thru rehab right now and is trying work things out with his xGF, and she swears it was just stupid 'uh oh what the hell did we just do?' kinda thing. And WHY would she now have ANY info on the ons guy? She's keeping tabs on him? Does your wife have any problems with alcohol or drugs? Any new place to work - not THAT place!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 And WHY would she now have ANY info on the ons guy? She's keeping tabs on him? Does your wife have any problems with alcohol or drugs? Any new place to work - not THAT place!!! This is the guy W works with; W used to tell me about the problems he had with his GF before ONS, I did warn her about guys wanting to be friends with gals, they can't be friends! Sure enough, he took adv. of the situation and went after it. No, W is void of problems you mentioned. I myself don't think there is anything going between the two, I don't know if exposing ONS to his GF will help when and if she DOES go back to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 So have you sorted out EXACTLY what your requirements are for her in order for you to consider reconciling with her? Exactly what steps she MUST take in order for the marriage to move forward? You need to sit down and give this some serious thought...we can make suggestions, but you're the one who has to deal with all of this. What are YOUR boundaries here? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 This is the guy W works with; W used to tell me about the problems he had with his GF before ONS, I did warn her about guys wanting to be friends with gals, they can't be friends! Sure enough, he took adv. of the situation and went after it. No, W is void of problems you mentioned. I myself don't think there is anything going between the two, I don't know if exposing ONS to his GF will help when and if she DOES go back to work. You have this backwards. She ALLOWED him to do this by PARTICIPATING! Here's a thought... Maybe your W was taking advantage of him? Maybe... Stop blaming the OM - YOUR W did this! And answer the questions asked please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 Today was the 4th MC and W and I agreed on her going back to same work and NC, texts and any other means of communication with OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 And if that's a compromise you're ok with...then make sure that there's sufficient "checks" in there for you to be able to SEE that she's being trustworthy now. If you're not ok with it...then you shouldn't agree to it, and you need to spell out clearly to your wife and to the MC why specifically you're not ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 And if that's a compromise you're ok with...then make sure that there's sufficient "checks" in there for you to be able to SEE that she's being trustworthy now. If you're not ok with it...then you shouldn't agree to it, and you need to spell out clearly to your wife and to the MC why specifically you're not ok with it. Agree with Owl. This has to be something you're okay with or don't agree to it. The problem is some marriage counselors have about as much common sense as a rock. They instantly want "trust" to be reestablished without a period of time where that trust has to be properly earned, which can only happen with a sufficient period of time, and that depends on each individual. But in the end, it has to be your decision. Just be careful to keep the checks and balances. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 I would be interested to know how she can continue medical for that long for our own sake, and no contact whatsoever with OM, she is not gonna look for a job for few months until we sort our M out, continuing MC. When you leave a job, you can continue the coverage through COBRA. Her ex-employer legally has to send her the info on how to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 W is talking about going back to same work in about a month, insisting that it was just ONS thing with her collegue and nothing will ever happen again with him...don't I need to start trusting her at some point again? Uh...not in FOUR DAYS! Just 4 days ago, she was ok with quitting that job. Now that she's got you back under control, she's easing herself back into doing what SHE wants. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 When you leave a job, you can continue the coverage through COBRA. Her ex-employer legally has to send her the info on how to do it. That's right, going through that right now. I'm not sure if it's different by state, but where I live you can take advantage of COBRA for 18 months. Hope you have a lot of cash stored away... it isn't cheap. We pay $1000 a month to cover just my wife and I. And that first payment to them was $3000 becasue you wait a bit for the paperwork to come, and the coverage is retroactive and you have to pay the previous months and whatever is current. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 H4B: You asked the question "don't I have to redevelop trust in her sometime?" The answer to this question is not up to you, it's up to your wife to earn your trust back with her actions like being remorseful, open & honest, keeping NC with EITHER OF THE OM!! Her wanting to go back to work with ONS guy is flat-out wrong. The way you explained their relationship before they hit the sack together is classic. He told her about his problems with his GF, etc. etc. and then they screwed. If you want to believe that it was a one time thing, go ahead. But her being in contact, in any way, with this dude or her AP should be a deal-breaker for you. What are you thinking about? If you want to reconcile then she needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. You both need counseling - marriage and individual. Do you have the courage to do the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 H4B: You asked the question "don't I have to redevelop trust in her sometime?" The answer to this question is not up to you, it's up to your wife to earn your trust back with her actions like being remorseful, open & honest, keeping NC with EITHER OF THE OM!! Her wanting to go back to work with ONS guy is flat-out wrong. The way you explained their relationship before they hit the sack together is classic. He told her about his problems with his GF, etc. etc. and then they screwed. If you want to believe that it was a one time thing, go ahead. But her being in contact, in any way, with this dude or her AP should be a deal-breaker for you. What are you thinking about? If you want to reconcile then she needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. You both need counseling - marriage and individual. Do you have the courage to do the right thing? I agree - and I don't see your wife doing anything and everything to CHANGE!!! If nothing changes = nothing changes! Expect her to cheat again! She's just going backwards!!! She hasn't had enough consequences and she hasn't done the work to find out why she cheated and she hasn't done things to CHANGE the woman she was... So she's just a cheat that's going back to the place she cheated! And you are just standing there saying "ok honey"! Sheez, grow a pair and tell her NO WAY!!! IF she intends to go back - I suggest divorcing her! Get tested for stds EVERY WEEK! She's likely STILL CHEATING! Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Just spent an hour reading this thread. I wish I could write a big long post about this, but there is really only one thing that needs to be said. GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 You just made an agreement that she's allowed to back and cheat some more... You're allowed to say NO... Stop ALLOWING it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 31, 2012 Author Share Posted May 31, 2012 I don't have a job, two kids and she is the one with job right now and we live in no fault state, so the question is is there a good chance I can get the full custody of the kids and keep the house after giving her share? Just curious if I wanted to go that route. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 You would do better to speak to a lawyer who can advise you much better on the details re your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 31, 2012 Author Share Posted May 31, 2012 You would do better to speak to a lawyer who can advise you much better on the details re your situation. Anne, I just wanted ask your thoughts on what W might be thinking: I found out that she cheated on me before this A and really don't know if 'us' will work out, got this from VAR I planted in her car when she was talking to her friends. She said she thinks about OM still, also said she felt the love for me after the last MC saying that I finally understood what she is feeling about me. Now if I turn a blind eye to the previous A and still wanting to R, do you think I am just too optimistic or this M over? Is it too early to give up? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 In an ideal world, your wife would have stopped thinking about or having any feelings for the OM immediately after dday but that is not real life. Thoughts and emotions don't just disappear no matter how much you want them to. It took me a while to get my head and feelings straight about the exOM. As well as my H and I having MC, I had IC in part to try and deal with the exOM stuff without my H having to witness that. Unfortunatley it does take time and I know I made mistakes on the path to recovery. It may be worth your time to go back and read some of my threads when I started here - you will see that I was all over the place for sometime. But my H and I got through it together - but that was only because we were both committed to doing whatever was needed in the end to make it work. We both had to want recovery if we were to ever stand a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Now if I turn a blind eye to the previous A and still wanting to R, do you think I am just too optimistic or this M over? Is it too early to give up? Hoping, if you truly would like to reconcile, there is no "turning a blind eye" to anything! I was a WS and my H and I have reconciled. To even move toward R, he had specific actions I needed to do to prove that I was serious about changing and remorseful. These things included transparency, truth, and absolutely no contact with the OM (this one was a dealbreaker). And even then it took him time to decide whether he wanted R. I agree with Anne...both parties need to be committed and want to work in order for R to be a realistic option. If you "turn a blind eye," it isn't addressing the WS's issues, any issues the M could've had, and could just set up the relationship for the same thing to happen again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted May 31, 2012 Author Share Posted May 31, 2012 I agree with Anne...both parties need to be committed and want to work in order for R to be a realistic option. If you "turn a blind eye," it isn't addressing the WS's issues, any issues the M could've had, and could just set up the relationship for the same thing to happen again. We DID figure out the issue in our M, that's why I am considering what I stated and besides, how am I going to tell W that I had VAR in her to spy on her? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 We DID figure out the issue in our M, that's why I am considering what I stated and besides, how am I going to tell W that I had VAR in her to spy on her? You forgot to figure out the OTHER issue in your M - that your wife has NO PROBLEM cheating on you and then finds it easy to lie to you about quitting a job she has no intention of quitting and finds it even easier to manipulate you into believing going back to it was YOUR idea. Do you seriously believe that's all you deserve? A wife who will faithful when she feels like it? Great role model for your kids (I'm talking about YOU). Sheez Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Anne, I just wanted ask your thoughts on what W might be thinking: I found out that she cheated on me before this A and really don't know if 'us' will work out, got this from VAR I planted in her car when she was talking to her friends. She said she thinks about OM still, also said she felt the love for me after the last MC saying that I finally understood what she is feeling about me. Now if I turn a blind eye to the previous A and still wanting to R, do you think I am just too optimistic or this M over? Is it too early to give up? Just MORE evidence that she's not honest with YOU! A serial cheater... You can't MAKE her be faithful. You can't make her be honest... Since the evidence shows that she's not likely to change things - expect MORE of what you KNOW she does - IF you stay. The betraying self is the hardest to live with. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 We DID figure out the issue in our M, that's why I am considering what I stated and besides, how am I going to tell W that I had VAR in her to spy on her? No offense, Hoping, but you're saying that in the one month since you found out, you've found and addressed all issues pertaining to the WS's actions, along with your M? That doesn't feel right to me. As a WS, it took me months of work to even get the the root of cause, and I can tell you that for at least one major issue for our M, it took us almost a year to finally work through. I realize everyone is different but after my experience and reading a lot of stories of others this seems like rug-sweeping. And why not tell your W about the VAR? My H was monitoring my web site usage and such after d-day and I had no idea. When I found out, I was upset, but you know what? He had every right after what I did. I brought it upon myself. It was just one of the consequences of my actions...what are the consequences that your WW has faced from her As? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hoping4Better Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 I told her if she doesn't come clean about all the A, no M. So after denying everything for 2 hours, we signed D papers - finalized, just need to be notarized. It hurts like hell right now! Link to post Share on other sites
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