Steadfast Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I thought it was important to know why she wants out and for her to be honest with me. I deserve that. Isn't it healthy for me to know why my wife of 8 years no longer wants to be with me? What am I supposed to think? If she was honest she never would have cheated. Yet, you expect it now? You know why she wants out. Hasn't she already demonstrated that? What's considered healthy varies, but I can tell you what isn't; expecting fairness from the unfair and not accepting that bad things happen to good people. You want fair? You want to be deserving? Give it, but stop demanding it be returned. Far too many people can't grasp this. Love is something given, not taken. She stopped giving and you want answers, yet the source you seek them from is the last place you'll find them. All your call of course, but judging by the length of this thread and your situation you are either scared, stubborn, unsure or a combination of all three. Completely understandable and agonizing to watch, let alone live. I get it. Walking away and filing was the single hardest thing I have ever done. I thought I knew heartbreak, but until that time I had not. She was my love, my life, my inspiration...and while that sounds a lot like a tune from Chicago, it was in my heart. It took a long time to grasp the reality and deal with the pain of losing her, but that was nothing compared to me letting go of her. That was the cannon blast. That's what took my legs out. The amputation was necessary though, to save the patient. Cut and heal. So, have a good time surfer. Run away for a couple more days. Sadly, the ever-important weekend will end, the tide will recede and you'll be right where you left off. Taking your time, looking for fairness and answers. Feel free to PM if you'd like to chat one-on-one. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing to add. The nail has been hit so many times in this thread it's through the shingles and lying in the basement. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I only get proud of myself when I accomplish the impossible - the hard stuff! I had to learn what a new happy would look like for me after living 23 years with my H. I learned to be happy on my own by doing everything differently. You should have it easier- you haven't lived half your life with her. You can start fresh and new. The answer lies in never questioning again. Just keep making everything different by moving forward... You will find a new way to be happy- its better- I promise! If I can do this - you can too! I know I look tough but in the inside I'm just a big ball of compassion and love. Get moving- that's what makes it better! Don't look back- only forward. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I can give you a better answer than "just because". And a better answer than your wife will ever give you. "Because she wanted to". That is the best, most truthful and only reason. It applies to almost everyone's situations including mine. Why did my wife cheat within 9 months of getting married? Because she wanted to. If she didn't want to then she wouldn't have. That's it, end of story. Same for your wife dude. Everything she did and still does, she does because she wants to. If she didn't want ot then she wouldn't do it. Anyway, this weekend I have a lot of plans. Friday night, my friend and I are going down to occupy wall street, or at least hang out around there and see what the fuss is all about. I don't personally agree with the politics behind it but it might by a fun night, haha. Saturday, I have a family party and Sunday, hiking with my friend. Cancel those plans and see the damn lawyer dude. Your own life is more important than some political statement that you don't even believe in. Read your signature - are we usually right, or what?. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 2sunny: I was kidding about that hating me thing.. I know where you are coming from and I know it is all about helping others. Thank you. Everything you just typed is correct. Trying to only look forward but occasionally there are stumbling blocks. I walked into the mall last night to buy some jeans and I almost began crying. My wife and I shopped there a lot and being there alone at night was lonely and made me think of her, of course sad music was playing over the sound system too. Steadfast: I realize the living arrangement now is unhealthy. I am trying to put an end to that. I know that I will never heal until this ends and I have some time to move on. I don't think you need to add anything else... PNP: Because she wanted to sounds accurate. She has ALWAYS done what she wants, even from a young age and she has NEVER been wrong. I can never be right so of course her actions are okay and justified... yeah f'ing right. Not many lawyers working on the weekends, not good ones anyway... haha I need to have a fun weekend before I lock into ending this nightmare. __ I am starting today out in a very positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Not many lawyers working on the weekends It's Friday today, they work Fridays Make an appointment dude, they might not have any slots for a week anyway so the sooner you do it (ie. NOW) the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 PNP: You got me there...I will start the process with some emails/calls on my lunch break. __ Bachelor on the prowl tonight in NYC.. look out! haha kidding. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Because she wanted to sounds accurate. She has ALWAYS done what she wants, even from a young age and she has NEVER been wrong. I can never be right so of course her actions are okay and justified... yeah f'ing right. Not many lawyers working on the weekends, not good ones anyway... haha I need to have a fun weekend before I lock into ending this nightmare Hello Surfer, sorry to see you back, but to be truthful its no surprise You nailed what your wife is like above, you've said as much on many of your previous posts - now totalling 1200? So are you really going to take the action needed to stop YOUR suffering at the hands of this woman or are you going to go around in circles again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 Lifesontheup: No... why does every one here think that I am still hanging on to her? I am not.. as I said maybe 5% of me would want her back.. I am mostly out at this point. I just need to follow through with the legal measures required. I will not be put through this BS again, ever by any woman. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Lifesontheup: No... why does every one here think that I am still hanging on to her? I am not.. as I said maybe 5% of me would want her back.. I am mostly out at this point. I just need to follow through with the legal measures required. I will not be put through this BS again, ever by any woman. it is your chosen words (in bold) that allow others to come to conclude that YOU still hold some hope and haven't ABSOLUTELY shown any ACTION that you've DECIDED to move forward. maybe, would want her back, and mostly = do not read as though this is finished in your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 haven't been here in a while - I just caught up on the latest surfer thread here. Surf - please don't take this in the wrong way but I am not sorry to hear that this may finally be coming to an end... I know folks are expressing their sympathies because they know you are hurting but I am actually happy for you that is may be finally over... Please stop hanging on though, it's over, accept that already - stop the talking (and typing) and get this thing over with already... You have repeatedly said 'I have done everything I can' - I respectively say NO! you didn't... the only thing you didn't do was to let her go and, I'm sure I can get folks to back me up here on this, letting her go was the ONLY hope you had in reconciling... letting her go would have shown that you are NOT someone who will accept being a doormat but your actions only showed her that she could crap on you whenever she wanted and you would do NOTHING. Surf - she has given you a gift, please take it.... you have this fantasy of being with someone someday who will cherish you, you can make that dream come true by CHANGING and being a man who sets boundaries and takes action when those boundaries are crossed... what woman would want a man who let's her dump all over him?? not any real woman IMO... you think you are being "a nice guy" nothing wrong with being a nice guy but make sure you are a Man too.... I have always wished you the best - I try to give it to you straight like many other good people here... we have lived this surf, we know what we are saying, we have made the same mistakes that you have... I was once that "nice" guy too, I got dumped on and asked for more, eventually I had enough and now I have the gift of setting boundaries and being the man that I am proud to be today... you can get there too, let her go.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 2sunny: Yeah, I guess that could do it. I dunno, there is that small part of me that wishes things could work but I know it has to end and it is ending. andy: I am starting to it as a gift man. There is a whole world out there waiting for me and I want to experience. I want to get rid of this cloud of misery floating above my head. You are right this is my fault partially because I did not set strong enough boundaries. Thanks for reading my thread and commenting, I appreciate your thoughts. ___ This weekend so far... last night I went down to NYC and my friend showed me a good time. Had a great time. Woke up this morning, had a fight with my wife. Left and came back, on her way out she was wearing a "sexy" halloween costume. She is wearing it to her waitressing job and then to a halloween party after. I got really angry and asked why she was wearing that (she never liked sexy halloween costumes) and she said "It's for work, I can't serve people in a scary costume" - which I guess is kind of true. Regardless, I said "you can't live here, I can't see you coming and going and dressing sexy, it makes me think you are trying to pick up men already - and I asked what is your goal?" Her response... "to be happy" I said "you had happiness and path to future happiness but you threw it away, no one discards me - I am an amazing person". She left and was saying "I hope you die in a car accident" it is snowing heavy right now. I chased her outside because she was crying and hysteric. I just wanted to make her calm down so she didn't get in a car accident. Anyway, we are both wedding ring-less at this point. Which makes sense I guess. I know I shouldn't engage her in these conversations but they just happen. I am trying not to get into these talks but it just happens... Not productive and it just gets me angry and upset all over again each time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 As far as this morning = you are showing you care and she is showing she doesnt care... Nothing has changed. Start changing things for you-by DOING differently! Do not engage! Her costume is designed to get a reaction - you gave her what she wanted...stop giving her ANY reaction! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Meant to type... she said "I hope I die in a car accident". What a selfish piece of crap. She said... I bet you think I'm a dumb selfish bitch right?! Yeah... I do! 2sunny: I really am going to try my best not to engage her. Also, I don't think her costume was to get a reaction out of me.. I think it is to get a reaction out of others. It makes me so angry... Talking to her = fight = keeping the wounds open = no more. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Meant to type... she said "I hope I die in a car accident". What a selfish piece of crap. She said... I bet you think I'm a dumb selfish bitch right?! Yeah... I do! 2sunny: I really am going to try my best not to engage her. Also, I don't think her costume was to get a reaction out of me.. I think it is to get a reaction out of others. It makes me so angry... Talking to her = fight = keeping the wounds open = no more. who cares at this point? stop caring about anything to do with her... she is VERY selfish and self centered... she designs things to hurt you. get her out now! who cares if she's mad... if it's legal - BOTH of you move if you need to for some peace of mind. she has choices... she'll find a man to live with - i guarantee she's looking for someone new to sponge off of. NONE of it matters anymore - stop worrying about it/her - start looking forward! Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Surfer, Sorry to find you back here. Was really hoping things would work out for the 2 of you, but, to tell the truth, it never really sounded like she was on board. I don't want to give bad advice, but, what I will say is that, knowing what I know now, 1 year out, things get better. But they can't start getting better until you're in control. Until YOU know what's going on with your life. You can't do that when you're with someone who want to control and manipulate you. Once you remove her power to do that, you will start to get happier and more confident. You can't "fix" her. You can't make her into what you want her to be. You can only do that to YOURSELF! Life is an amazing adventure. Don't waste it by putting yourself in a situation where you're not as happy as you can be. You're young. The opportunities out there are incredible... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 2Sunny: she is beyond selfish - I would call her narcissistic. She thinks I am crazy for calling her that, out of line - ha! I bet she is looking for some one already too, she is F'ed financially with out me and she has ditched her wedding ring already, so that helps. I got rid of mine on Friday night, I told my good friend about what was going on and he demanded I take it off.. so I did. Should have done it after she told me she was through with me. debtman: Thanks for the encouraging words... I will do my best. I know I need to be free of her to move on. It hurts to much to see her, speak to her, etc. It's awful - however, I am beginning to feel stronger already. I am WAY better emotionally than I was last time. I guess that's what happens when the past year of your life sucks - not much worse than before. I am even a bit optimistic. __ I will say it again, NO ONE DISCARDS ME! I have value, I am a great person and I have a sweet ass. haha Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 So when is the appt with the attorney? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Owl: Trying to book something for this week. _ Was a decent weekend, was able to keep my mind off of my situation for most of it. Of course had some backwards progress, but mostly positive. I feel good.... Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Stay strong and do what needs to be done. We're pulling for you! Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Surfer, Stick to it. Remind yourself that this is temporary and this is the worst part. At least you have some direction and you know what's going on. Be prepared for her to do things just to annoy you, make you jealous, envious, etc. Take the higher ground. Let her see you happy, confident and living life. She'll eventually realize what she lost and it will be too late. Move on. Life is fantastic and you will be fine. Get the ball rolling asap on getting out of the marriage, selling the house, etc. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 There is no try ... Do or do not. When you serve her with divorce papers she may start to believe you intend to end it. When it is final - she will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 mm4: Thanks man, I just want to be happy again. Trying my best. debtman: Temporary, thank God. I could not put up with this for the rest of my life so it's good that I am getting out now. I will try my best to be the big person and take the high road. I know for a fact that she will regret this majorly, I have a feeling she is already thinking that. 2sunny: I like that, there is no try - only do or do not. That should be my motto. When it is final she will what, Believe that it's over? _ She hasn't even called her parents to tell them yet. I get the impression she is keeping it to herself at the moment. She is drowning her problems in working a second job and detaching herself from her normal life. Drinking and hanging out with losers at the bar. Pfft... I have more exciting plans for life. Been gripping the world by it's ba**s and having a great time! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Do, or do not...there is no try...hmmm...where have I heard/seen that before? Seriously, it's the best advice you could get. So...that begs the question...how many lawyers have you called today trying to setup that appt for this week? The comment about living life is great...now match that with actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Owl: Yep, your signature.. haha. Wise stuff. Anyway, have not called a lawyer today because we lost power and I got to work late - I can't take time away from my desk today. Tomorrow I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 ahhhh yes.. the all too familiar rollercoaster of emotions is setting in. For some reason a flash of anger came over me and sadness. I am longing for what was and what could have been. I have a feeling she may be looking for new men already, I don't know really. I want to beat them up - don't even know if they exist. This sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
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