Still hanging on...

[marqueemoon4]

hey man I'm sorry to hear about this... if you need someone to talk to I'm here.

[Surfer203]

Thanks bud - I may have to give you a call this weekend to vent. I appreciate it.

[Owl]

Owl: No this can't go on like that and I won't do this again. I would consider a separation as a last resort. That is all I am willing to do. Even then, I'm not sure that it the thing to do.

 

What's ironic is 2 days ago I had a talk with her about what I expect from her. I told her I was unhappy with the pace of our reconciliation. She told me "things take time" - No s***! So why are you giving up and bailing on me without giving it time and effort.

 

I think you answered your own question.

 

She's ok with change taking time...but if she's expected to actually DEMONSTRATE effort and make changes...she's simply not willing to do that.

 

Hence she opts out, rather than sign up to do what you're asking her to do.

 

In other words...she's ok with leaving things the way that they are now...with the nebulous concept of her making changes happen "in time"...but she's not willing to put any actual measurable effort with deadlines in place to measure her work and changes in place. She's willing to TALK about change, but not willing to DO anything to implement changes.

 

So after that, it all boils down to what you're willing to accept out of the situation.

 

Last thought...tell your friends the truth that you've told us here. She's not willing to put any effort into improving the relationship or repairing the damage she caused when she cheated on you several months ago...so the marriage is ending. Hang out with them...if she shows up, then excuse yourself. It'll make her darned uncomfortable if you just up and leave every time she shows up...eventually she'll get the message.

[Surfer203]

Owl: Yep.. clearly not willing to do the work and no.. I'm not okay with just waiting and seeing how things go. I guess I have to tell my friends but maybe I will give it a little bit of time.

 

Ah... this is so hard. I am confirmed for a therapy session at 1 PM today and spoke to my parents, they will be home and I am going to see them after my session.

 

Do I go NC, do I 180?

[russell1968]

Owl: Yep.. clearly not willing to do the work and no.. I'm not okay with just waiting and seeing how things go. I guess I have to tell my friends but maybe I will give it a little bit of time.

 

Ah... this is so hard. I am confirmed for a therapy session at 1 PM today and spoke to my parents, they will be home and I am going to see them after my session.

 

Do I go NC, do I 180?

 

Surfer, just give up it's really not worth it! You deserve so much better

[Owl]

Owl: Yep.. clearly not willing to do the work and no.. I'm not okay with just waiting and seeing how things go. I guess I have to tell my friends but maybe I will give it a little bit of time.

 

Ah... this is so hard. I am confirmed for a therapy session at 1 PM today and spoke to my parents, they will be home and I am going to see them after my session.

 

Do I go NC, do I 180?

 

Neither, at this point.

 

You go talk with your lawyer, and start the process of filing for divorce. You go out on your own, with your friends or by yourself, and you let her do her own thing. As soon as you get anything back from your lawyer, you let your wife know that you've heard what she said, you've filed for divorce, and that you're putting the house up for sale ASAP, so she needs to be looking for someplace else to live, the same as you.

[Surfer203]

Unfortunately/fortunately depends on how you look at it... I could always move back in with my parents. I am dreading this... dividing our belongings up and going through all the pain that is inevitably on the way.

[Owl]

Perhaps so...but starting that process this weekend not only gets you a headstart on what you'll have to do in the event of a divorce, but it also drives home to her that you heard what she said, and are willing to INSIST on what you expect out of a relationship with her.

 

Said it before. A woman can't remain in love with a man she doesn't respect, and she can't respect a man that she can treat like dirt and get away with it.

 

You set a boundary...she's indicated she's not willing to abide by it...so now she suffers the consequence of it.

 

She has to know that you mean what you say...that you're NOT willing to tolerate her inaction anymore...or she will absolutely continue on just as she has been up til now.

[Surfer203]

Owl: It's all about respect.. clearly she had none for me because I catered to HER needs and put her first. That was a big mistake.

 

I should have listened to all of you the first time around. I would have been in a much better place by now.

[Owl]

Owl: It's all about respect.. clearly she had none for me because I catered to HER needs and put her first. That was a big mistake.

 

I should have listened to all of you the first time around. I would have been in a much better place by now.

 

I'll accept your apology if you make the bolded sentence above your signature line. :)

[Surfer203]

Haha.. thanks man. I will make sure to do that.

[marqueemoon4]

I'll say it again brotha.. thank the good Lord above you don't have kid/kids with her.. 1000x more painful and you can never get her completely out of your life.

[Owl]

So...me being me and all....I'm betting you're gonna know what my next set of questions will be, Surfer.

[robf1971]

Owl: It's all about respect.. clearly she had none for me because I catered to HER needs and put her first. That was a big mistake.

 

I should have listened to all of you the first time around. I would have been in a much better place by now.

 

Actually, at least you can look back and say that you tried everything to make it work. In the future that will make you feel a lot better.

[Majkl]

I have to agree with MQ... Thank the dear lord u dont have kids with the woman..... as hard as you think this pain is, constant seeing her would have been even worse by a million......... I am starting to realize the reality of my situation, I still love her and dont want this but she is done... and every time I see my kid I have to see her too, see her move on, find someone else and move on with the speed of light.

Thank the dear lord you dont have kids with her.... other than that sorry that u're in pain, we all are so we know how u feel. All the best man...

[Surfer203]

Owl... What is the question?

 

I have tried my best.. And it was pointless.

 

I don't know how to act towards her at this point. I want to be mean but part of me juust wants this to be over. I need peace and to be happy again.

[robf1971]

Owl... What is the question?

 

I have tried my best.. And it was pointless.

 

I don't know how to act towards her at this point. I want to be mean but part of me juust wants this to be over. I need peace and to be happy again.

 

Surfer,

 

It doesn't really matter how you act towards her. You have no kids together, so there is no need for her to ever be a part of your life again. Total no contact!!

[Surfer203]

Rob: The problem is we have to live together until she finds a place. Lord knows how long that will take especially considering she will have to pay half of everything we have now and our debt in addition to her own place. I wish I could just kick her out, unfortunately it's not that easy.

 

I want to tell the world how awful she is, I'm not sure that is the best idea however. Debating whether I should take the high road or not... it's a tough call. Part of me just wants the drama to be over with - why should I sink to her level?

 

What a sorry excuse for a human being, I feel used... totally. f***. I just got back home after leaving my parents, nothing is gone from our house, looks like she didn't take much. Neither of us slept here last night. She got a part time job in addition to her normal job, so she won't be here very frequently. Not sure when I will see her next.

 

Boo. I hate this. I just want to be treated the way I treat a woman, I want kids, I want to have a happy future and I really thought my wife was the one to give that all to me. Never second guessed our relationship until last year when s*** started to go down.

 

You think you know some one and then boom, right out of left field, BS!

 

I want to call her parents but there is no point, her Mom will probably yell at her for making this mistake AGAIN.

 

I can't even keep busy this weekend because I am in such a funk but learning from last time that is exactly what I need. You know, I feel better just typing out my feelings. For the time being only my therapist, parents and boss at work know. I guess I should keep it quiet until it's a bit more official and we can talk more.

 

My father is convinced that she is cheating again based on what I have told him about her behavior lately. I don't think she is but would not put it past her. I guess it really doesn't matter what she did/does anymore... not my concern. She can live her life however she wants to.

[2sunny]

Stay busy!!! Write it out here if need be - and journal... It helps. Her actions gave evidence she wasn't INVESTING in the M - just using you while you required very little change and effort on her part... So letting go of the illusion may be easier once you can move forward to acceptance. She CAN move - and will - when you demand it... So your demands for decency should and could get higher. IF she stays - start making more demands - when YOU make her uncomfortable enough - she'll find a couch somewhere to sleep on. No need to talk to others badly about her... Growing negative energy bigger isn't the solution. Finding new ways to be happy is the best way to start the healing.

[Ballerfamily]

Rob: The problem is we have to live together until she finds a place. Lord knows how long that will take especially considering she will have to pay half of everything we have now and our debt in addition to her own place. I wish I could just kick her out, unfortunately it's not that easy.

 

I want to tell the world how awful she is, I'm not sure that is the best idea however. Debating whether I should take the high road or not... it's a tough call. Part of me just wants the drama to be over with - why should I sink to her level?

 

What a sorry excuse for a human being, I feel used... totally. f***. I just got back home after leaving my parents, nothing is gone from our house, looks like she didn't take much. Neither of us slept here last night. She got a part time job in addition to her normal job, so she won't be here very frequently. Not sure when I will see her next.

 

Boo. I hate this. I just want to be treated the way I treat a woman, I want kids, I want to have a happy future and I really thought my wife was the one to give that all to me. Never second guessed our relationship until last year when s*** started to go down.

 

You think you know some one and then boom, right out of left field, BS!

 

I want to call her parents but there is no point, her Mom will probably yell at her for making this mistake AGAIN.

 

I can't even keep busy this weekend because I am in such a funk but learning from last time that is exactly what I need. You know, I feel better just typing out my feelings. For the time being only my therapist, parents and boss at work know. I guess I should keep it quiet until it's a bit more official and we can talk more.

 

My father is convinced that she is cheating again based on what I have told him about her behavior lately. I don't think she is but would not put it past her. I guess it really doesn't matter what she did/does anymore... not my concern. She can live her life however she wants to.

 

 

I am sorry surfer..you are a man...you gave her every chance...you forgave her for OM...you must go through the pain fellow human...it will get better...you will soon realize happiness like you havent felt in along time, along with extreme sadness...it s ok...you will survive...God Bless

[Surfer203]

Thanks guys. I will take your advice an take the high road.

 

She has called once and texted once. Maybe feeling some guilt.

 

I feel so lonely even though I went back to see my parents.

 

Prepare to see more of me around here.

[2sunny]

Thanks guys. I will take your advice an take the high road.

 

She has called once and texted once. Maybe feeling some guilt.

 

I feel so lonely even though I went back to see my parents.

 

Prepare to see more of me around here.

 

did you respond to her communication? i wouldn't!

 

and running to the parents - i'd suggest staying home and learning to be strong... visiting once in a while is one thing - but going there every time you are at odds with your W probably isn't the best choice.

 

get hobbies - new interests and new friends.

[2.50 a gallon]

My friend Surfer,

 

Sorry to read of your second break up.

[Surfer203]

Thanks all of you. I received a text from her last night after her shift. I have sent her messages and she has not read or responded to. Her phone and our home line go to voice mail. I am starting to worry that something bad happened to her or she is cheating again.

 

I feel both scared and angry. I cant get in touch with her and it is unlike her to not check her.phone.

 

Life is so difficult sometimes . Atleast I have family to fall back on.

[Steadfast]

Owl: It's hard to just walk away for me, clearly I love this woman deeply and care for her....Immense pain...

 

It's hard for everyone surfer. You must understand, grasp and accept that great risk brings great reward. I know you're hurting but you know its been made worse by prolonging the situation and hoping. I understand the disappointment of hollow commitment, but when is the realization that you can't force desire, longing and love going to come? Does she have to fap another man in front of you to demonstrate her true feelings?

 

One more time: people are together because they want to be. Both, wanting to be with the other. When half of this is gone or weakened, do you really expect applying pressure of obligation and promise to work? It's like trying to breathe life into a dead corpse. This is why so many advocate swift and immediate separation after infidelity is discovered. The end (for the betrayed) has been reached. The reaction to cheating instantaneous. Not surprisingly, this action also gives the relationship its best chance to survive. It is too late for that, but it's never too late to accept reality.

 

You 'feel bad'. You are terrified of losing her, feeling worse, and pain. The emotional hold she has on you is so great you'd do (or have done) practically anything to keep her. This is not her fault surfer. It's your flaw. Your desire to keep and/or salvage is stronger than your self-preservation. Love isn't shameful, but the burden of existence is yours. Not hers.

 

I speak from experience when I say these things. It's three-years past for me. The shame of marriage failure is hers, but you'll feel it anyway. Good friends will continue to be and won't think less of you, others will disappoint you, take sides or endlessly want you to second guess. Dismiss them and her. Don't worry about what people think. Remake yourself into the kind of person who wants returned only what he's willing to give.

 

Screw the living arrangements. If your credit or financial side is destroyed, then its a casualty of the marriage. So be it. You can rebuild it. Leave her, the house and tell her you're arranging a short sale unless she can pay for it herself. If she balks, use an attorney to outline the plan, giving you power if she refuses to cooperate. Take the power back. Face your biggest fears head on or live under the weight and fear of them. By your words, you seem to have grown tired of that plan. Time for a new one. Leave her and her life out of the equation. Do these things to begin your new life.

 

Surfer, I did this. All of it. It was horrible and I lost practically everything I worked for the last 30-years, but it was worth it. I have new stuff, better stuff, more independence, happiness and a greater sense of purpose. Yes, I still love her and still feel the void of what I lost. But she doesn't exist anymore; my wife destroyed that person and made a new version. And while I hate that it happened, I am powerless to change it. So are you.

 

Face your fears. They have way too much power over you. You must.