2sunny Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Hmmm, there's nothing I can say... Except you are bound to stay feeling this way until you DO things to take action. That change always brings new hope that things can get better - especially when you take your power back. Let us know when you get into action... It's the part you keep delaying... A phone call to set an appt takes minimal effort, maybe 30 seconds - yet you keep delaying what you know you need to do. It's tough to feel badly for anyone when they don't take charge to change things when they are bad. You may want to ask yourself why you are comfortable in the victim role - and how you can break free from your comfortable pity party. Change is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I am longing for what was and what could have been. Dude, 16 months on and I still get this too. But it was not to be. Can't go back, don't have a Delorean, so just got to face the fact that the future is not what you thought it would be. It is different. Better or worse, only time will tell, but then who knows what would have happened if things had gone differently? If things had worked out with her then maybe you would have got hit by a bus. The butterfly effect, don't you just love it. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 2sunny & PegNose, I agree with you both. Surfer, it's time to take action so you can move ahead. It's tempting to spend time thinking about "might have been" but it's a waste. The only thing I disagree with is "Better or worse, only time will tell." I am a FIRM believer that life is what you make it and the ONLY person who can determine your happiness level is YOU! So, grab a hold, throw yourself into life and do what you need to do in order to MAKE yourself happy. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thanks guys - I agree I won't really start feeling better until I take action and expel her from my life. I agree with debtman in that life WILL be great, I know it... I am starting to feel it already. Last night, my wife and I started going at it again. At the end of it she hugged and kissed me - it was weird. She said "I am sorry to upset you". She also told me that her therapist thinks she is punishing herself for what she did by self destructing and ruining her life on purpose. I am not so sure I believe that... don't know though. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thanks guys - I agree I won't really start feeling better until I take action and expel her from my life. I agree with debtman in that life WILL be great, I know it... I am starting to feel it already. Last night, my wife and I started going at it again. At the end of it she hugged and kissed me - it was weird. She said "I am sorry to upset you". She also told me that her therapist thinks she is punishing herself for what she did by self destructing and ruining her life on purpose. I am not so sure I believe that... don't know though. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: first rule of engagement... do NOT engage. yet you still DO... knowing what harm it causes yourself... you ALLOWED her to hug and kiss you? WHY????? i save that sacred interaction for people who have EARNED MY TRUST AND AFFECTION! people that DESERVE it! she is controlling and manipulating you - and YOU allow it. you betray YOURSELF surfer! you do this to you by what you allow! do counseling to understand why YOU love this victim role - and how to get away from being THAT man. i'm out! best wishes dude... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 2sunny: I didn't ALLOW her, she just did it. What am I supposed to push her down the stairs? It's just a lot of emotions are swimming around, I'm sensitive - it's a tough situation to be in. I told her that I don't want to work things out (she wasn't asking anyway) I don't love the victim role... I hate it. Trying not to be the victim. Link to post Share on other sites
buckeye Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Surfer, My ex wanted me to compete with other guys for her after the divorce. I would have none of it. Time to move on my friend. This chapter of your life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Take the lessons you've learned and remember them down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I didn't ALLOW her, she just did it. What am I supposed to push her down the stairs? If necessary yes. She goes for a hug you step back. She steps forward more, you put your arms out to stop her. She pushes your arms down you turn your back on her and stick your elbow out. You did ALLOW her dude, by your inaction. If she sneaks up on you by surprise and hugs you, you tell her to get the hell off you and don't do that again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 buckeye: That's sick.. what wacko your wife is. I am ready for the next chapter, for sure. PNP: Yeah... I guess I could have done that. I am a weak man maybe? Either that or just stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 2sunny: I didn't ALLOW her, she just did it. What am I supposed to push her down the stairs? It's just a lot of emotions are swimming around, I'm sensitive - it's a tough situation to be in. I told her that I don't want to work things out (she wasn't asking anyway) I don't love the victim role... I hate it. Trying not to be the victim. nope. folks that don't SHOW me that they love me - i DON'T even allow them to get close enough to touch me - much less hug or kiss me. so, yes, you ARE allowing it to happen. push her down the stairs? let's not get dramatic ----> a simple - do not get near me or touch me WILL send a SOLID message. yet you didn't DO that... and then complaining about it here ---> yes, YOU are playing the victim role ---> yet you are the victim of YOURSELF because you ALLOWED it to happen! read THAT a few times ---> the answers are all there. and you've known that you intend to file for divorce but have done nothing to make THAT happen ---> you are a victim of yourself for not taking the action on that one as well. it's up to YOU... you can continue being the victim of self - or YOU can begin to change what you wish to complain about. not taking action is what has made folks here frustrated with you - you haven't changed a thing. what are you going to DO TODAY to change things? Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 2sunny: I didn't ALLOW her, she just did it. What am I supposed to push her down the stairs? It's just a lot of emotions are swimming around, I'm sensitive - it's a tough situation to be in. I told her that I don't want to work things out (she wasn't asking anyway) I don't love the victim role... I hate it. Trying not to be the victim. You did allow it. My wife was the same, wanting hugs, be friends etc. Once I started NC correctly, when she pulled that stuff I took a step back and said "dont touch me". NC is hard. you will make mistakes, i did, loads and loads! But you will learn. I found it easier to take a moment to think about anything she said. Once you stop the habit of answering or hugging etc, it becomes easier. It is said that it takes a month to break or start a habit, so dont worry if you dont get things right first time. Its hard and goes against everything you want to do, esp after a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 it IS her form of manipulation. every time she touches you - she is manipulating you to give her something she intends to get from you. she is a master manipulator. it is designed to make you believe she still cares - when she doesn't. allowing her to step in this way feeds the illusion and grows it bigger in your mind. then she gets what she wants ---> she buys more time to treat you like $hit so she can do whatever serves her well... at your expense. you hand her your peace of mind. when YOU stop handing it to her - THAT is when you will begin to see change. it is up to YOU to give that to yourself. will you? not likely with what you are ALLOWING... Link to post Share on other sites
mlouis Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Surfer, I am new to the board but spent a few hours reading your entire story. I'm glad you appear to be finding some closure. I am your age and live in NYC. My story sounds quite similar to yours in a lot of ways (I am much earlier in the process however) and I think we have similar personalities (and wives). Would you be willing to chat at some point? Would love to get your thoughts/learnings. If so, please PM me (I dont think I am allowed to PM yet since I just registered). Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) not taking action is what has made folks here frustrated with you I can only speak for myself. I'm not frustrated but I do feel for you. I've been where you are and I know how it feels...true, a lot of us have. I can feel it in the words written to you. If I have a complaint it's that you're defensive, and occasionally nonsensical. An emotional roller coaster. That inhibits my interest. Otherwise, you can tell everyone here to kiss your ass and deal with it as you see fit. But you don't. You repeat ad nauseam. It's wasting your time. Clearly, this woman's control over you is stronger than your own. Until that is dealt with, all the good advice and well wishes in the world are useless. This is not a point of shame, it's fact. You simply can't act until you're back in control of you. What that will take only you know...or will know. Your issues will not be easy to deal with, but they are far from impossible to overcome. That is another fact. Edited November 2, 2011 by Steadfast Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 did you make that appt today with the attorney? Link to post Share on other sites
leedlee1 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Hate to say it but if you would have taken the advice given to you in your other rediculously long thread then maybe you would have been in a better place right now. Why do you even bother telling us your story?? Do you want help or are you just after cyber hugs?. And now you continue to IGNORE the advice given to you and you still take no action, I admit yes i am frustrated as are so many others. You are in for a world of pain and YOU are letting it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Wow... lots to respond to. Here we go! 2sunny: I am realizing my faults now. I am weak, I let her manipulate me because of a false hope she held over my head. It's terrible but I realize that I LET her do this to me. I could have put an end to it at any time. Part of me feels that she still has SOME sincere feelings towards me and not everything she says is bulls***. I have called a couple of lawyers already for consultations. I plan to also talk to a mediator to learn more about their process. jaymz: NC is hard.. I did it last time and within 2 weeks she wanted to be back with me. NC this time will not be aiming to fix things between us, only to make myself feel better. mlouis: I am happy to chat any time... I live 1 hr from NYC in CT. I go to NYC frequently, if you ever want to grab a beer and talk about your issues, I am happy to listen and offer any help I can. As you can see, I am struggling myself with trying to find the right path. It does help a lot to speak to others, especially folks in the same kind of situation. Steadfast: Thanks, I know it may seem annoying but this is a struggle for me. I feel like I am finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel and I want to run for it and I will! Tired of this sh**. leedlee1: I am here for support and advice, I have been taking the advice in bits and pieces. I really have and it has helped immensely. I am just a slow mover I guess. Emotionally this has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. If you don't like my thread or think I am an idiot or a wimp because I use this online forum to feel better about my 8 year marriage/10 year relationship with my best friend coming to a miserable end and my hopes, dreams for a child and family to come to an abrupt stop.... fine.. do it. I am in a world of misery and I am just trying to feel better, let me do that. I don't need any one telling me that I am a baby or a moron for not being able to get over this problem. It's f'ing hard. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I have called a couple of lawyers already for consultations. I plan to also talk to a mediator to learn more about their process. I don't need any one telling me that I am a baby or a moron for not being able to get over this problem. It's f'ing hard. We are not telling you your a moron for not being able to get over the problem, we are not telling you you're a moron for trying to give your wife a second chance. Personally I think that's to be appluaded. However I think you are a moron for not having retained a lawyer yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I am not giving her another chance... and yes, I am aware that I need a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
mlouis Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Surfer, I'll take you up on the beer. Can you private message me with your email? Otherwise I don't have any way of getting in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I held on too long too surfer. I just didn't write about it here. I'm still not sure if I was co-dependent or just loved her deeply, but I am sure that (at least) part of my problem had as much to do with me as it did her. I dealt with massive guilt and struggled with the feeling that I was missing something obvious. When I finally realized that I was being manipulated, much of the 'spell' was broken. My ex is very attractive and that just made the process more difficult. But doing the self work made me realize what I owned, and what was coming from the outside. Was she 'all bad?' No. But there was more bad than good. Much more. She used and had little regard for how the whole situation was effecting me. I had to take care of myself and not let it happen. I had to stop her...but how? The truth is, I couldn't stop her from doing anything, but I could control what I allowed. I began to ignore her. I let her go...all the way. You may be co-dependent. If you are, then you face the real danger of shifting that dependency from her to someone else...or as you put it; "feeling better" or "knowing life will be great". The fact is, you've yet to deal with the separation issues you'll face once the marriage legally ends. You've yet to acknowledge the emotional battles of not seeing or speaking with her daily, of not knowing where she is or who she is with...when days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. It's a process and it's one you have to prepare for. All of this must be experienced before the 'upside'. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 You can't send or receive PMs until you've been a member for a month and have a post count of 50. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 mlouis: Since you can't get private messages, I made a dummy email address that I won't use for normal stuff - you can email me at: [email protected] Steadfast: I know there will be hard times ahead, but to be honest she has made it easier on me because for the past 8+ months, I have been treated as a room-mate more so than a husband. Also, the past 2+ weeks I have only seen/talked to her for about 1 hour +/- total. So, hopefully transitioning won't be so bad. I am not sure I am co-dependent.. I think I am just and always was madly in love with her, thought she was the bees knees, she is gorgeous too.. blah. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Surfer, You did the right thing. You tried to make it work. You gave her another chance...because she convinced you that she WANTED to make it work...but she doesn't...she doesn't know what she wants. Your heart was broken, your dream was shattered and everything that you thought you had built was torn down...it sucks... BUT, it's an amazing opportunity to rebuild yourself, rebuild your life, find someone who REALLY wants to make it work and WANTS to be a real partner and work WITH you so that you can both accomplish what you want. You don't strike me as co-dependent. But, like me, you strike me as a fairly easy-going guy who can let himself become a bit of a doormat in certain situations. One of the most difficult things I faced was switching the way I dealt with my stbx. I used to let her win all the arguments, walk all over me, tell me what I could/couldn't do, etc. Now, I just let it run off me. I don't argue with her, I don't even disagree or express my opinion. I just smile, nod and get my kids. I'm sure we'll have disagreements about parenting as time goes on, but, I'm determined to deal with those in a rational, adult way, even if she doesn't. I find myself more assertive with the new female friends I've made and "stick to my guns" when I know I'm right about things. My happiness and my kids happiness is more important to me than anything else right now. The ONLY thing I can control is my happiness and I won't let anyone take that away from me again. You'll get there. Just sucks that you had gotten through so much when she decided to "give it another try" (which she didn't) and now you get to ride the emotional roller coaster again... It's temporary... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Thanks debtman, your posts always leave me feeling a bit better and I appreciate your comments through out the past year. You are the man! (and an inspiration to all of us who are struggling) Cheers mate! Link to post Share on other sites
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