Still hanging on...

[Surfer203]

Jaymz: Yeah.. it's a bit sad. What's a real bummer is my wife is currently sleeping in one of our guest bedrooms.. this was the bedroom that we were about to convert to a nursery. Every time I pass that bedroom I think of my child that will never be with her.. she used to tell me she thought about our baby every time she passed the room as well. Anyway, yeah... I see what you are saying. For now, it is the reality that I have to deal with.

 

She has made it a bit easier on me because we have not had much of a marriage anyway the past 8 months. Makes the pain slightly less, don't get me wrong, this still hurts immensely.

[Owl]

Owl: I can't believe you would even say the word reconcile in this situation. I know you don't want me to do that but to even suggest it as a possibility...? I know this time around it can't be done, it's over. At the moment you are right, I am doing nothing - I am just ignoring her as best as I can. It's time for some action.

 

Surfer...I've been around a long time, and I've seen people make all kinds of decisions I don't agree with.

 

I throw reconcile out there because I'm not dictating to you what your options are.

 

If you want my honest opinion...I'm not convinced yet that you've truly made up your mind. You've said the right things...but your actions so far still indicate passivity, indecision, and no clear path or direction.

 

I've seen no motion in either direction...divorce or reconciliation.

 

So that dirty "R" word still gets thrown in, because from what I've seen so far, I'm not convinced that you've truly pulled it completely out of the options bag and thrown it away.

[Surfer203]

Owl: You would be correct then... I think there is a 5% chance or less that I would want to reconcile. I do realize that this is for the best... part of me will always love her and want to be with her. You are right, there is no motion yet. There will be very soon, just getting my ducks in a row.

[Owl]

Cool...and glad my post didn't come off as too harsh. What you do is up to you...I'm just throwing the best advice I can out there for you to use if you want to.

[Surfer203]

Owl: Didn't seem harsh at all, I was just not understand it the first time around. I appreciate your help/advice. Thanks!

[Surfer203]

My wife gets home at about 10:15 last night, she had a group therapy session and drive home after. We talked for 20 minutes before bed, she got angry at me because I was probing her to talk. She threatened to leave, I said "You think I care if you leave at this point?!" Would have been a treat. Anyway, we go on and on. All I want to know is WHY do you REALLY want to leave me? She gives some other BS answers. All of them don't add up to marriage ending. Here are the reasons she has given so far:

 

Per my wife:

 

1. She's not in love with me anymore

2. We have grown apart

3. I deserve better than her

4. We would have different parenting methods

5. I am judgmental

6. I never really understood her

 

To me, this sounds like a bunch of crap. All of them could have been addressed if they are/were true. I still feel like I am being fed lines just to shut me up.

 

I am done with her and just want peace and happiness. One day I will have that again.

[PegNosePete]

3. I deserve better than her

Dude that is the only words of truth she has spoken.

 

I am done with her and just want peace and happiness. One day I will have that again.

And the first step to achieving that is to see a lawyer and end this farce of a relationship. So go do it NOW!!!

[Steadfast]

Bullcrap surfer. You're continuing to probe and search for answers. That's why she's upset. Wouldn't you be upset if someone kept asking you to give answers for the obvious? When it's over, it's over. No talking about it.

 

Before you can search for peace and fulfillment (not find it...just be in the place in your life where you're ready to start looking for it) you must be honest with yourself. You are not being honest. You say go, then stop.

 

You're forgiven for loving her, but you're not doing anyone any favors by attempting to control the outcome of this situation. You are stepping on her freewill, inviting her to step on yours and disguising it as love. It isn't.

 

Leave her alone...unless you enjoy getting your heart stepped on. Some do and never really move past it. They are called sadomasochists. Avoid that.

[Owl]

There's no value in engaging in conversations like this with her, especially when she's not a willing participant in them.

 

She doesn't want to solve/resolve things. It's that simple.

 

You've reached a point where you do need things to be solved/resolved.

 

Again...start taking active measures to reach your goals...not passive measures hoping that she'll change her goals to match yours.

[Surfer203]

I am not trying to change her mind.. I thought it was important to know why she wants out and for her to be honest with me. I deserve that. Isn't it healthy for me to know why my wife of 8 years no longer wants to be with me? What am I supposed to think?

 

I am done with her, for real... I hope you all don't think I am trying to fix things again because I am not!

[starting2wakeup]

I am not trying to change her mind.. I thought it was important to know why she wants out and for her to be honest with me. I deserve that. Isn't it healthy for me to know why my wife of 8 years no longer wants to be with me? What am I supposed to think?

 

Surfer, I am responding to this as much for you as for myself. I know exactly how you feel and exactly how you are thinking. The truth is, you will never know. She probably doesn't know either. It would be great if she could be honest with you and lay everything out in plain english, but in all likelihood, she is not ready to be honest with herself, let alone with you. It sucks, I know. It sucks so freaking bad but, you are asking questions she doesn't have answers for.

[robf1971]

My wife gets home at about 10:15 last night, she had a group therapy session and drive home after. We talked for 20 minutes before bed, she got angry at me because I was probing her to talk. She threatened to leave, I said "You think I care if you leave at this point?!" Would have been a treat. Anyway, we go on and on. All I want to know is WHY do you REALLY want to leave me? She gives some other BS answers. All of them don't add up to marriage ending. Here are the reasons she has given so far:

 

Per my wife:

 

1. She's not in love with me anymore

2. We have grown apart

3. I deserve better than her

4. We would have different parenting methods

5. I am judgmental

6. I never really understood her

 

To me, this sounds like a bunch of crap. All of them could have been addressed if they are/were true. I still feel like I am being fed lines just to shut me up.

 

I am done with her and just want peace and happiness. One day I will have that again.

 

Yep,

 

Pointless engaging in these conversations.. it cannot change anything. Just be polite and don't engage her, let her initiate any relationship talks. In fact get a lawyer, and start the divorce process. You have wasted enough words on your wife, it's time for action.

 

Who cares at this point if her reasons are true or BS, just let her go, it's the most loving thing you can do. Also imagine your wife came begging back to you, suddenly you had what you wanted. Could you really get past what she did to you last year?

[PegNosePete]

Isn't it healthy for me to know why my wife of 8 years no longer wants to be with me?

Maybe. But you won't get that answer from fighting with her. You'll get that answer from analyzing the relationship YOURSELF in hindsight. SHE WILL NEVER BE HONEST WITH YOU. You need to realize this and get on with your life. You will never get any closure from her.

 

I am done with her, for real... I hope you all don't think I am trying to fix things again because I am not!

We will believe that when we see it Surfer... actions not words... did you call the lawyer yet?

[Surfer203]

starting2wakeup: I believe that, she probably does not know why either. Which is so frustrating. I think I am done asking anything of her.

 

rob: I am seeing your point here - no sense in trying to converse about the relationship anymore. I would not consider taking her back after this year. After she left me last year, yeah - I gave her a shot. After a year or neglecting my needs and not appreciating me, I would never give her a second of my life again.

[2sunny]

you are expecting to get some truth from her = she's NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT!!! yet YOU expect it - you see how crazy YOUR expectation is?

 

there;'s only ONE rule of engagement that YOU need to follow with her = DO NOT ENGAGE!!!

 

there is NO point in talking to her! NONE! get into ACTION! no words - just action!

 

FILE THAT DAMN DIVORCE! THAT IS ACTION!

[2sunny]

W I think I am done asking anything of her.

 

 

are you sure? because you keep saying one thing and DOING another.

be IMPECCABLE with your word = DO what you say! otherwise stop saying it.

 

if you are finished - step away and find other things to be happy about.

[sumdude]

 

Per my wife:

 

1. She's not in love with me anymore

2. We have grown apart

3. I deserve better than her

4. We would have different parenting methods

5. I am judgmental

6. I never really understood her

 

To me, this sounds like a bunch of crap. All of them could have been addressed if they are/were true. I still feel like I am being fed lines just to shut me up.

 

 

None of it matters other than #1. I heard most of the same story and my ex was already out the door and seeing someone else. In almost any case when you hear the old ILYBINILWV speech from a woman, it's over. Accept the facts, don't worry anymore of why, how etc etc etc

 

What's done is done and move forward. Yes your brain is going to continually try to make some sense of it. We like answers and data to solve problems. But in matters of the heart there's no formula and you're working only with the data you have and not what's in her head. And believe me, trying to get inside someone else's head is the path to insanity.

 

You gave it your best shot. You did it your way. There's something to that which will help you sleep at night. There's nothing else you can do. Your marriage is at the bottom of the sea and there's no bringing it back. Time to have a memorial, do some greiving and find your new path.

Edited October 27, 2011 by sumdude

[Surfer203]

2sunny and sumdude: I guess my personality is about emotions however I need to know things, I need to know how and why things, I have to find answers to problems. That's just my nature. So, it is hard to step back from this. I am realizing that I have to. Believe me, I am not as crushed as last time and I know I will be okay. I know what the next step is and it's time to take it.

 

PS: 2sunny hates my guts.

[sumdude]

2sunny and sumdude: I guess my personality is about emotions however I need to know things, I need to know how and why things, I have to find answers to problems. That's just my nature. So, it is hard to step back from this. I am realizing that I have to. Believe me, I am not as crushed as last time and I know I will be okay. I know what the next step is and it's time to take it.

 

PS: 2sunny hates my guts.

 

I get where you're coming from... I'm pretty similar. It's human nature and particularly a man's nature to want to know and fix things. To this day over four years later every once in a blue moon my mind will go back and ask the why question... and the only answer is one that parents sometimes give their kids... just because..

 

there is no answer really

[Owl]

I highly doubt that 2sunny hates your guts. I'm figuring that 2sunny is in the same state as all the rest of us are...frustrated at literally spending MONTHS telling you the same thing over and over, and seeing no ACTIONS to demonstrate change.

[Surfer203]

Pardon my typos above... haha

 

sumdude: Just because... that's a good reason. ha! I will never know the real answer possibly, so "just because" works for me I guess. Just have to settle for that.

 

Owl: I have been listening to you guys, it took me a while to get there. I stood up for myself several times - demanding what I expect from her in our relationship, the last time I did was a few days before she told me she was done trying (last week) That may have even pushed her over the edge. I am trying, I move slow. Hung up on what once was. I am moving in towards divorce, I promise.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

When you first started dating, some how you said / did all of the right things, and her body responded by producing large amounts of oxytocin, or love chemicals that flooded her brain. They were especially designed only for you. Just being in your presence, hearing your voice, and her unknowingly picking up your pheremones, would trigger her body into producing even more love chemicals.

 

This led to the infatuation or falling in love stage. This stage is short lived, and in your case, you moved on to mature love and married. Her body still produced the love chemicals, that were still geared for you, but no longer in large amounts.

 

Then a little more that a year ago, she got distracted and began an affair with the OM, she again felt the rush of more love chemicals, but this time they were geared toward the OM, and they over powered the love chemicals she produced for you.

 

When she broke it off with the OM, she came back to you because her body still produced small amounts of love chemicals for you. But unfortunately, over time, the two of you did not reconnect, and her body never again produced large amounts of love chemicals that are needed to maintain a mature love.

 

And in fact, she eventually found the few chemicals she produced for you to be annoying, producing negative feelings such as guilt, etc. and this turned her off even more.

 

She truly doesn't know what happened, so she finds it difficult to explain her actions. The truth is that she now has a need to find someone who will once again fill her body with love chemicals.

[robf1971]

The truth is that she now has a need to find someone who will once again fill her body with love chemicals.

 

And Surfer has a need to kick her sorry a$$ out.

[Surfer203]

2.50 - I would have been happy to fill her body with love chemicals... haha. Honestly though, we DID reconnect but it didn't last more than 3 months. The break down you just typed out is smart, makes sense. It's all chemistry. I figured the same.

 

robf: You are right my friend. I would love to send her packing. Last night she threatened to leave after we began to argue. Would have been just fine by me.

 

___

 

She says I can't make her leave, which is true. I think I could easily by making our home a VERY uncomfortable place.

 

Anyway, this weekend I have a lot of plans. Friday night, my friend and I are going down to occupy wall street, or at least hang out around there and see what the fuss is all about. I don't personally agree with the politics behind it but it might by a fun night, haha. Saturday, I have a family party and Sunday, hiking with my friend.

 

Staying busy is key, trying my best to do so.

[2sunny]

2sunny and sumdude: I guess my personality is about emotions however I need to know things, I need to know how and why things, I have to find answers to problems. That's just my nature. So, it is hard to step back from this. I am realizing that I have to. Believe me, I am not as crushed as last time and I know I will be okay. I know what the next step is and it's time to take it.

 

PS: 2sunny hates my guts.

 

wow - i don't hate ANYONE!

 

i post out of love and concern for what's best given the EVIDENCE...

 

evidence:

 

she cheats (you EASILY forgive) she gets NO CONSEQUENCES

she uses you - yet you allow it - and ask for MORE abuse from her

she TELLS you she's not in love with you (who is it then?) yet you continue to believe she might change her mind = she won't

YOU think you can change her (you can't) - only SHE can DO that

she uses you more - and you willingly oblige her

she talks mean to you now - and you keep participating (stop talking to her)

she looks like she's cheating again - yet you deny her evidence (denial)

 

this is ALL good... FOR HER! but NOT GOOD for you! start standing up for YOUR best interest - and start saying NO, NO, NO!!!

 

or better yet - don't say ANYTHING AT ALL to her. when she engages (talks to you) DO not respond - at ALL.

 

start believing it's over (it is) and act as if it's over - THEN she will KNOW it's over... and YOU can THEN move forward!

 

she isn't the wife you THOUGHT she COULD be!!!!!!!

 

that illusion is long gone.