Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[dreamingoftigers]

And she needs to own her own crap.

 

How else after the steps she has taken, could she own her crap?

[John Michael Kane]

JMK - you need to change your avatar to

 

"no cheating... unless you've been cheated on"

 

What?

 

also... it's nice to encounter someone who can read peoples thoughts and emotions through a monitor... as soon as I get PM capabilities, I'm so going to ask you several things I've been dying to know :love:

 

I will be waiting.

 

finally, someone who is able to judge peoples hearts and minds... whether they know them or not.

 

Okay.

[FL510]

Exactly. His wife, cunning lady that she is, disclosed her extracurricular activities to the OP only after she'd already roped him into marriage with the full weight of the legal/divorce industry on her side. Do you think he would have agreed to play house with her if he knew beforehand.? She basically played a game with his life and hedged her bets such that she cant lose. Why should the OP lose half his hard-earned cash and the right to see his kids because he married a FRAUD and the courts are are rigged against him. She's already taken his pride and his youth(ie the options he could have had)? The least he can expect is a little fun without moral obligations to his con-artist wife. For all the claptrap about women being "in touch with feelings", you lot seem unable to empathize with a man.

 

YES! This is sad but true. My wife would vehemently deny this, but it's in effect true. In her favor we have known each other for 18 years, and she comes from a good deal of wealth so it was not purely gold-digging, but still. It's why I do not feel guilty. I spend 3 hours on the phone last night trying to break it off with the OW (I am on a trip) and I think she knows where I am coming from....very sly. She said I can do whatever I want but "why don't we take this back down to a purely friend/sex thing for 2 or 3 months and not worry about it" She does seem to know me very well, at least how to get to me. I'm a sucker for time limits....

[FL510]

[quote=lost_in_d'votion;3582560And one last thing before I go back to the "dark side" with BB...I'm afraid from what your saying about her, that the OW is going to tell your wife. If she's as broken and unstable as she's been written here, it's going to happen. I don't mean her just answering your W's questions honestly when your W calls her (as she should), I mean other disclosure just to get her revenge on you. Just something (else) for you to ponder when thinking about telling your W or not. No more advice on that from me...I'm just saying...I've already said which camp I'm personally in for that issue. Doesn't make it right for all.

 

LinD

Thanks for your thoughts. You know, we talked about that at length last night, she freely said the last thing she wants is my wife to find out. Last night she said "would be disastrous"....I know, anyone can say that, and she could be saying what she knows I want to hear, but I did make it clear that if she told her, it would have the opposite effect she wanted.

[dreamingoftigers]

So given this information and your lack of guilt, why bother stating with your wife?

 

Convenience?

Money?

"for the kids?"

 

Or is it just about sticking it to her?

[FL510]

Dreaming: yes to all 4. I really don't plan on doing this for life. I still plan on ending my affair in the near term. I intend to stay in my marriage. My plan would have worked perfectly, but the young woman I chose as an AP, I fell madly in love with, she the same, and I for a while had very real thoughts of leaving my wife for her. My wife's activities are forgiven by me. She was 25 or so herself when (to the best of my research and knowledge) her activities stopped. Look, the last thing I wanted was to get all emotional over the OW. It's really not me. But I did. And now I wish I lived in one of those weird polygamous David Karesh type camps....

[FL510]

You know what, scratch that. I really have not forgiven her totally, more put it away and desensitized myself....I'm kidding myself if I say I have forgiven her. At this point I probably never will.

[dreamingoftigers]

You know what, scratch that. I really have not forgiven her totally, more put it away and desensitized myself....I'm kidding myself if I say I have forgiven her. At this point I probably never will.

 

So, when do you stop settling and have a real intimate connection with someone?

 

Not saying to leave your W.

 

Now let's not waste bandwidth. You are well aware of the effort it takes to reform compulsive sexual issues. You know the deal. She did the polygraph etc. The proceedure is familiar to me as well, my husband is a sexual addict that has not fully committed to recovery.

 

You are fully aware of the internal and gritty struggle that they have to normalize. Why bother having her go through that effort? For what purpose exactly produce another two children with her?

 

You may not be aware of this but when spouses get together they are often quite evenly matched in terms of emotional health. Your need for her outweighed your need to validate your own pain.

 

She obviously was using external measures to cope with her own screwed up values and inability to be honest with herself. She's healthier now.

 

You are still using external coping measures to deaden whatever pain it ever was that got you attached to someone so unhealthy to begin with. Does that ever end?

 

When do you begin to truly bring your life into focus instead of allowing the external influences in your life to scatter it?

 

How long can "what she did" or "what they did" become your reason you do what you do?

 

In my case, I lock my husband out from hurting me until he can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that he won't hurt me in this manner again and that he can own the pain he has caused. At that point it is up to me to work through letting some of that go and opening the window of trust a crack.

 

If you can't do that, or you still get triggered by it: EMDR therapy can resolve a lot of the trauma.

 

Otherwise you are killing your own ability to attach normally and healthily.

Earlier a poster asked why you should be held to xyz standard?

 

Simply put-because you chose to continue to be, you have children to be a role model to on top of it all and because YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE.

 

A good life includes not rationalizing who you are and what you do because of how others struck you down.

 

You can't fake a good life.

 

By living without self-honesty, you are deadening parts of your brain and by extension your feelings etc.

 

By using the events of your life as a reason to make undignified and dishonest choices, you give power over to those events. You don't deal with them, you don't overcome them. You live in their shadow every single day.

 

And you abandon yourself and say "the best I can do is some hooking up on the outside and a piss-poor marriage on the inside. No lollipops and rainbows for me. I won't let it happen. She hurt me too bad. She knocked me over and I won't stand up, I give up."

 

Please.... The fact that you survived a serial cheat and tried to reconcile shows the potential for more fortitude than that. Very few people go down that road and try again. We are about 1% of the population.

 

You have the fortitude to make something more solid for yourself and you already have been through one of the most painful events life can offer without dying. Instead of using it as a Golden Affair ticket thatbyou give yourself, why not refocus that energy on restoring your family, or even just making the world that your children live in a bit better every single day.

 

E+R=O

 

Life events + your reaction = your outcome

 

Ending the affair would be about 2% of what would need to be done to restore some of your personal values and quality of life.

 

Some books for you:

Taming Your Outer Child

The Success Principles

 

That's all for now. Good luck.

Other's may think you need a younger woman to cuddle you.

I'm younger. I'll do one better. I'll give you a boot in the arse.

 

I actually wrote this before you posted what I quoted above but then the server did maintenance. It's good you realize that you didn't forgive her. There's a step to self-honesty and a better life.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way, those David Koresh type camps never seem to be okay. Yeah, you might get laid but the chicks who do it got something wrong with them and then the government shows up......

[bentnotbroken]

You know what, scratch that. I really have not forgiven her totally, more put it away and desensitized myself....I'm kidding myself if I say I have forgiven her. At this point I probably never will.

 

 

The first thing that you have said that seems even remotely near a true statement.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am very certain my wife would not leave me over this. No one could say 100 percent, but as long as it was over....don't think so. Now, if I was on the fence she would literally shove me out the door. I am positioning myself to end the affair in the near term. The OW is saying and doing things that concern me. I can't be responsible for her life, and where she takes her future. If she is a strong and smart as I think she is, she'll prevail. But that is one thing I can't own.

 

Yes, maybe she wont leave.... right away. The consequences for this may be steeper than you know.

 

How emotionally stable is your OW? How much does she expect a real relationship from you? If she has done the majority of the chasing in this...

 

FL510 - it's all your "prerogative", but I don't see as how the road you're going down will lead you into satisfying pastures. Finkle states you should be more selfish... no, you need to be LESS selfish. SELFISH is what has put you into the mess you are in. What you should have probably done is leave your wife before getting involved with another woman... you probably should have left her once you realized you were unable to overcome her betrayal.

Justifying your actions because your wife committed horrible things doesn't cancel them out - there's no "even". Now you've just both committed horrible things. Do they magically disappear?

 

It's clear to me that the wife's infidelities is a wound that simply has never healed. That may not be his fault.

 

Personally, I'm of the belief that when you do something bad at some point you must pay the consequences.

 

Bottom line... this is how he has chosen to handle the emotional fallout of his wifes cheating. Yeah, it isn't the high road... but when you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, maybe she wont leave.... right away. The consequences for this may be steeper than you know.

 

How emotionally stable is your OW? How much does she expect a real relationship from you? If she has done the majority of the chasing in this...

 

 

 

It's clear to me that the wife's infidelities is a wound that simply has never healed. That may not be his fault.

 

Personally, I'm of the belief that when you do something bad at some point you must pay the consequences.

 

Bottom line... this is how he has chosen to handle the emotional fallout of his

wifes cheating. Yeah, it isn't the high road... but when you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 

So then by that rationale I should feel free to take my Golden Cheating Ticket and cash it in for a little side-dish because my husband went on STD-Fest?

 

And how long until the ticket expires?

 

I can fully understand a few weeks. Maybe even a few months. At some point though you realize you are affecting more then just yourself. And even though you may be "entitled" to something, even though you crave the esteem, it isn't worth throwing away core values and decency.

[StoneCold]

The first thing that you have said that seems even remotely near a true statement.

 

Why do you largely accuse him of being un true in his story?

 

Because you dont agree with his out look? Because you dont agree with his actions? because he just happens to have a difference of opinion?

[dreamingoftigers]

Baby steps. Baby steps.

 

Don't get information and emotional overload.

[StoneCold]

So then by that rationale I should feel free to take my Golden Cheating Ticket and cash it in for a little side-dish because my husband went on STD-Fest?

 

And how long until the ticket expires?

 

I can fully understand a few weeks. Maybe even a few months. At some point though you realize you are affecting more then just yourself. And even though you may be "entitled" to something, even though you crave the esteem, it isn't worth throwing away core values and decency.

 

DOT

 

You should feel free to do whatever works for you...just make peace with the fact that there are consequences for actions (and/or no action) either now or later on down the road like what we are seeing now.

 

I really wish you guys would get off this "justification/entitlement" train. Its just not reality. People dont always do what they do because they feel "justification". Many times people do what they do because it suits their goals and they just dont care. And in the instances where people do act on some semblance of "justification"; know that "justification" is highly subjective as most things are a shade of grey rather than black and white.

 

But just for argument sake lets just say that we establish that certain actions are un justified right arcoss the board regardless of circumstance...tell me what does this do for you? Does it make it go away? Does it give you the power to travel back in time to change things? You dont reside in a court of law and infidelity isnt illegal so what does establishing "justification" do for you?

 

Its an argument that wastes time and keeps people stuck...whats the point.

[bentnotbroken]

Why do you largely accuse him of being un true in his story?

 

Because you dont agree with his out look? Because you dont agree with his actions? because he just happens to have a difference of opinion?

 

 

Not his story. His motivation/rational/excuse for said mess. I could give a flying rat's azz about his difference of opinion. And I am more than sure that he gives not a rat's azz about my opinion either. That's par for the course around here.

Edited August 22, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[jthorne]

Many times people do what they do because it suits their goals and they just dont care.

HA! There's a "justification" if I ever heard one!

You can keep chasing your tail with that circular argument.

as most things are a shade of grey rather than black and white.

And most people with this mindset have rubber boundaries and make all kinds of "justifications" just like you did.

 

I swear, if we had a nickel for every time a cheater said things aren't black and white, most of LS could retire comfortably. Newsflash, for those people with firm boundaries and defined values, things ARE black and white.

 

If one is so comfortable with cheating, I have to wonder why they spend so much time on this board.

[OnyxSnowfall]

. . . It's clear to me that the wife's infidelities is a wound that simply has never healed. That may not be his fault.

 

Personally, I'm of the belief that when you do something bad at some point you must pay the consequences.

 

I already stated that even I myself would be unable to overlook such transgressions (and that I wouldn't expect anyone to).

 

The fact remains that... if you're going to attempt to, then leaving and freeing BOTH people is still a better alternative to failing by following the route that wounded you. At least informing the one you "love and respect completely" (the wife in this case, as he stated) that you're having difficulties coping and getting through it... he was talking with the OW for a few weeks before they were intimate. If you're considering a revenge affair, just find a one-night stand... not "develop" a relationship with someone. If you want a "relationship" with someone, FREE yourself to have one... OWN up to the truth... or you know, come on a forum and validate your actions with the voices of angry betrayed men who pat you on the back.

 

I just see a compounded mess that will be even harder to work out, but perhaps it can be even easier now.

 

If his wife hasn't cheated in years and years and years, she probably believes they're both past it. Perhaps the OP is good at keeping his real feelings inside, perhaps she's not as insightful as she need be... who knows. She came clean for a reason too. It could be that she was going to be exposed --- but why disclose multiple affairs, even one night stands?

 

Regardless... everyone does bad things. We all suffer, even if we don't do something bad. Heh. When you "love" someone, you realize you've hurt them and you STOP. God knows what his wife was thinking when she was behaving beyond poorly...

 

OP - if you want to end your affair, you should end it now. Holding it off and stating that the OW "knows" how to reel you in... and essentially knows how to make it exceedingly more difficult to let her go... isn't going to help you let go... is it?

 

I don't think there's really anything more that can be said. OP will likely continue his affair until something dramatic occurs and then he'll have to sift through the remains. It's just not worth it to "cheat" on a "cheater" (to cheat at all)...

 

if you can't accept that your wife has reformed herself, and you don't truly care about her but stay "with her" for superficial reasons... I guess learning to live in a divided life-style without tending to the real problem is what you'll end up doing. It's your life anyway...

[stillafool]

You know what, scratch that. I really have not forgiven her totally, more put it away and desensitized myself....I'm kidding myself if I say I have forgiven her. At this point I probably never will.

 

But, would you care if your wife were to have another affair at this point since you are in love with the other woman?

[StoneCold]

HA! There's a "justification" if I ever heard one!

You can keep chasing your tail with that circular argument.And most people with this mindset have rubber boundaries and make all kinds of "justifications" just like you did..

 

LMAO...did you read the next part of my post? clearly not.

 

OK lets say we live in your delusional world where everything is black and white and we establish "no justification" when someone gets cheated on...

 

Tell me... what exatcly is that doing for you??? does it change anything for you?

 

LMAO...and whos the one chasing his tail? You're hilarious.

 

I swear, if we had a nickel for every time a cheater said things aren't black and white, most of LS could retire comfortably. Newsflash, for those people with firm boundaries and defined values, things ARE black and white..

 

Right.. "firm" boudaries...until something changes and you bend them to suit your needs...

 

If one is so comfortable with cheating, I have to wonder why they spend so much time on this board.

 

 

Its good for laughs for the most part.....but every now and again a good discussion is had....its rare but it happens

[reboot]

I have firm boundaries and well defined values, and very little in life is black and white to me.

[Owl]

Whereas I have firm boundaries and well-defined values...and very, very little is grey to me.

[John Michael Kane]

I have firm boundaries and well defined values, and very little in life is black and white to me.

 

If everything is not black and white to you then there's no boundaries.

[reboot]

If everything is black and white, then that's basically saying that you think what YOU believe and the way YOU feel about most everything is the ONLY way to believe and feel. It takes a real pompous ass to think they're right about everything, are never wrong about anything, and that anyone that disagrees with them is a blithering idiot. Take that however you want to.

[John Michael Kane]

If everything is black and white, then that's basically saying that you think what YOU believe and the way YOU feel about most everything is the ONLY way to believe and feel.

 

Nobody said that except you.

 

It takes a real pompous ass to think they're right about everything, are never wrong about anything, and that anyone that disagrees with them is a blithering idiot. Take that however you want to.

 

Nobody said that except you.