Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[PatFinkle]

Oh you know they wouldn't, we ladies who have a past are the lowest of low around here, according to some, anyway, but it's ok if a man does it. :D

 

This is a characteristic mind set of an OW (and I suppose an OM as well?), whatever the subject is about, to the OW, it's always about herself. Nothing can be discussed, at all, without it devolving into something about the OW.

 

Exactly what I was talking about in terms of your bias, too. You are resentful of taking responsibility for what you did and projecting that to the OP and his OW.

 

Meanwhile if you see what and how I post, I don't talk about my personal "situation" (whatever it might be) at all. Somehow I am able to participate in a conversation without trying to turn it into something that's all about myself.

 

OP, don't feel any guilt over whatever it is you decide to do with respect to your OW. The typical mindset of the OW is as reflected in how BB07 is approaching this thread. Nothing your OW ever does will be her responsibility or her fault, and no matter what you do for her, it will in the end never be enough.

[John Michael Kane]

In this particular situation is does sound predatory.

 

How does it "sound" predatory, BB07? Go on, explain it to us. Explain how an obvious affair between two ADULTS is a situation that involves an old calculating man fooling around with an "innocent young woman."

 

I never said one size fits all as much as you'd like to make it seem that way.

 

You and jmk go have fun or perhaps you are one and the same.

So now it's back to playing games, BB07?

[John Michael Kane]

Self-esteem does dictate the choices of many, many people.

Including the OP.

 

Not very moot and probably the crux of this whole thing.

 

Self-esteem has nothing to do with someone consciously deciding to cheat.

[John Michael Kane]

I DIDN'T SAY THAT, but hey it's no surprise that you would insist that I did.

 

Anything to discredit right jmk? :lmao:

 

Nobody is trying to "discredit" you, BB07 and if someone was, in my opinion "credibility" on an internet forum is hardly important compared to the real world.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, don't feel any guilt over whatever it is you decide to do with respect to your OW. The typical mindset of the OW is as reflected in how BB07 is approaching this thread. Nothing your OW ever does will be her responsibility or her fault, and no matter what you do for her, it will in the end never be enough.

 

Is whatever decision he makes healthy and for the best because she consented to a relationship with him.

 

Most would acknowledge that a 23 year old who was been through a past like her's and not too much relational experience would be limited as to "the bigger picture" of dating and relationships.

 

As a 40+ year old man he is aware what she is missing out on by being simply an "option" as opposed to a priority in her life. I think that by that alone it is unethical to be involved with her.

[PatFinkle]

Duh.......We aren't talking about me here.

 

You falsely claimed that I was trying to "silence" you.

 

That's simply a method of posturing yourself as a "victim."

 

So the only one that you're talking about is YOU.

 

And that's par for the course.

[dreamingoftigers]

Self-esteem has nothing to do with someone consciously deciding to cheat.

 

The correlation between cheaters and Low self-esteem is not only common knowledge but obvious to most.

 

If a person had a high self-esteem then the odds of them lowering themselves to those acts are minimal.

 

Cheating gives them the false sense of security and acceptance that they cannot give themselves.

[PatFinkle]

You are so, so WRONG in EVERYTHING you said above. People that know me here, KNOW that. I'm not into justifying or explaining anything to you as you and jmk or (maybe you are the same poster would just twist it.) That's what you/jmk do to posters who don't see it your way. Hell you two even do this to the most respected posters here like OWL. It's sick and it's twisted.

 

OP, if you're still reading....this is most likely how your own OW's mind works.

 

Beware.

[PatFinkle]

I'm not here for you to dump on and I'm not into justifying or explaining anything to you. I don't have to. :p

 

Now let's stop with the t/j.

 

No one's has "dump[ed] on" you.

 

It seems like you almost can't write a single post without falsely posturing yourself as a "victim."

 

Why is that?

[PatFinkle]

I'm not a victim and I'm not playing your game to be your victim either. :p

 

 

No you're most decidely not a victim.

[PatFinkle]

Nobody is trying to "discredit" you, BB07 and if someone was, in my opinion "credibility" on an internet forum is hardly important compared to the real world.

 

"Discredit," "dump on," "silence," "predatory male"....all are just variations on a single theme of self-perceived "victimization" which BB07 is compulsively projecting onto OP's situation.

[John Michael Kane]

The correlation between cheaters and Low self-esteem is not only common knowledge but obvious to most.

 

If a person had a high self-esteem then the odds of them lowering themselves to those acts are minimal.

 

Cheating gives them the false sense of security and acceptance that they cannot give themselves.

 

That has nothing to do with someone consciously deciding to cheat multiple times from months to years. She was not taken advantage of because she was young. She's old enough to know right from wrong. Nobody forced these two to have an affair.

[John Michael Kane]

I'm not here for you to dump on and I'm not into justifying or explaining anything to you. I don't have to. :p

 

Now let's stop with the t/j.

 

So if you're not going to explain why this is a "predatory situation" then why state that this adult, who's well over the age to know right from wrong-is being taken advantage of somehow?

 

You're blindly accuse me of being another poster then "deflect" when someone asks you a simple question.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was more concerning myself with the OP who also knows right from wrong.

 

He can also see the long view of things whereas most of us when we are younger figure we all have it figured out, and most of us are wrong.

 

Cheating multiple times and lying etc. Is a pretty clear sign that your words and actions don't match whatsoever in that regard. Generally people who have that problem are not centered enough to believe in their own priorities and choices. Otherwise, they'd just declare them. Not give a damn what any wife or OW think.

 

When you aren't comfortable with who you are and what you truly want: your crap self-esteem shines right on through.

[dreamingoftigers]

That has nothing to do with someone consciously deciding to cheat multiple times from months to years. She was not taken advantage of because she was young. She's old enough to know right from wrong. Nobody forced these two to have an affair.

 

Exactly. Both require better internal fortitude to make healthier choices and stop messing inappropriately in each other's lives and anyone else's lives that might be affected by their unhealthy choices.

 

In other words: **** or get off the pot.

[John Michael Kane]

I was more concerning myself with the OP who also knows right from wrong.

 

He can also see the long view of things whereas most of us when we are younger figure we all have it figured out, and most of us are wrong.

 

Cheating multiple times and lying etc. Is a pretty clear sign that your words and actions don't match whatsoever in that regard. Generally people who have that problem are not centered enough to believe in their own priorities and choices. Otherwise, they'd just declare them. Not give a damn what any wife or OW think.

 

When you aren't comfortable with who you are and what you truly want: your crap self-esteem shines right on through.

 

Irregardless the OW in this position was never taken advantage of.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's relative and hasn't been defined in-thread.

 

Honestly, I won't pursue that point because the real issue is OP's value system and where he estimates his obligations lay in respect to others and himself.

 

If he did or didn't take advantage of OW, he can't undo that now anyways.

[FL510]

My relationship with the other woman was not "predatory" in any way. In fact, if you could see how things ultimately played out, you would cry that she was the predator. I did not pursue her initially solely based on her age. We talked AT LENGTH before we even met. She had just turned 21 the first time we were intimate. It was not a turn on for me to be with someone that young. 30 years old I would have considered marginal age-wise ideally for my little foray . In fact it was quite a hurdle to overcome.

[PatFinkle]

Is whatever decision he makes healthy and for the best because she consented to a relationship with him.

 

I'm wondering why suddenly the OP is being held to a much higher standard of behavior and ethics than either his wife or his OW. His wife didn't care about "healthy" when she cheated on him all those times and his OW doesn't care about "healthy" now.

 

This isn't a situation where the OP is someone who is contemplating an affair but hasn't crossed that line yet. This has been going on for three years. So, that decision was made a long time ago. The question is what is best for OP--not his wife, and not his OW--going forward?

 

 

 

Most would acknowledge that a 23 year old who was been through a past like her's and not too much relational experience would be limited as to "the bigger picture" of dating and relationships.

 

I would be inclined to agree with you but actually that's just an assumption, and even if it's true, it's irrelevant unless you are going to slide down a very slippery slope in which 23 year old women aren't responsible for their choices in life. Do you actually think the 23 year old wasn't banging other men during the nine-month hiatus? Why? Because she's some kind of virginal princess who "wouldn't do something like that?"

 

That's exactly the kind of nonsensical counterfactual thinking that befuddled OP in his marriage. He probably was completely rocked to the core by his wife's cheating because she was his innocent princess and he just could never conceive his little princess would do such a thing.

 

It's the same kind of nonsensical thinking which would allow BB07 to allege the OP as some kind of a "predator."

 

It is just as realistic--perhaps more so-- to assume the OW is a cynical gold digger who targeted the OP as emotionally vulnerable and ripe for the plucking as it is to accuse him of being a "predator."

 

Remember this is a young woman who has absolutely no compunction about having an affair with a married man with children with the deliberate intent of taking him from his wife. That is a very cold person and that kind of person is basically very selfish. A person like that--and is reflected by many OWs and OMs who post right here at love shack--think only of themselves.

 

 

 

 

As a 40+ year old man he is aware what she is missing out on by being simply an "option" as opposed to a priority in her life. I think that by that alone it is unethical to be involved with her.

 

On average an attractive single childless 23 year old female college student has infinitely more "options" than a middle-aged married man with several young children.

 

So it's "unethical" for OP to be with her, but it's NOT "unethical" for her to be with him????

 

Like BB07, this is simply a reflection of a rather grotesque degree of gender bias on your part--both against males (who you perceive as the "victimizers") as well as against females (whom you perceive as "helpless victims" who are not responsible for their actions as adults.)

[PatFinkle]

My relationship with the other woman was not "predatory" in any way. In fact, if you could see how things ultimately played out, you would cry that she was the predator. I did not pursue her initially solely based on her age. We talked AT LENGTH before we even met. She had just turned 21 the first time we were intimate. It was not a turn on for me to be with someone that young. 30 years old I would have considered marginal age-wise ideally for my little foray . In fact it was quite a hurdle to overcome.

 

Of course you weren't the predator.

 

An attractive 23 year old female college student has multiple opportunities for "relationships"--dating, friendships, FWB, f-buddies, emotional relationships, emotional + sex--every single day.

 

She didn't pick you because she lacked other options. She picked you because she wanted you.

 

But in the land of male/female relationships, some people have to create a narrative in which the woman is always the victim and the man is always the predator or victimizer.

 

So, she wasn't the predator--you were. She wasn't unethical--you were.

 

Why? Just look between your legs. Do you have something hanging down there. If so, to some women, everything is your fault.

[FL510]

Of course you weren't the predator.

 

An attractive 23 year old female college student has multiple opportunities for "relationships"--dating, friendships, FWB, f-buddies, emotional relationships, emotional + sex--every single day.

 

She didn't pick you because she lacked other options. She picked you because she wanted you.

 

But in the land of male/female relationships, some people have to create a narrative in which the woman is always the victim and the man is always the predator or victimizer.

 

So, she wasn't the predator--you were. She wasn't unethical--you were.

 

Why? Just look between your legs. Do you have something hanging down there. If so, to some women, everything is your fault.

 

You throw in the age difference, and to many people I am some creepy guy hanging out next to the playground. She is young, but if you factor in her life experiences...I would never consider her overly naive. We both were party to this.

[John Michael Kane]

tell his wife and (if she chooses to stay in the marriage) start MC together.

 

It would be very hypocritical for his wife to leave the marriage just because he's having sex with another woman, when she has had multiple affairs of her own, both before and during the marriage.

[samsungxoxo]

It would be very hypocritical for his wife to leave the marriage just because he's having sex with another woman, when she has had multiple affairs of her own, both before and during the marriage.

That's one reason you don't cheat in the first place because then you would be practically forced to forgive if you get cheated back since the you were forgiven for your own cheating.

 

I don't think the OP should tell his wife but if he wants to stay in the marriage then he would have to end his affair. Still, I think he should file for divorce since his wife had multiple affairs and that meants she's unrealible and more than likely to cheat if the circumstances were to present itself again.

[anne1707]

It would be very hypocritical for his wife to leave the marriage just because he's having sex with another woman, when she has had multiple affairs of her own, both before and during the marriage.

 

It is also very hypocritical of the H to have an affair following his wife's affair when he knows how much pain and heartache it caused him.

[PatFinkle]

You throw in the age difference, and to many people I am some creepy guy hanging out next to the playground. She is young, but if you factor in her life experiences...I would never consider her overly naive. We both were party to this.

 

 

...and playing the "victim" is most likely the way your OW will try to play it when the wheels come off of this situation...because she's a natural-born manipulator, she knows there's an audience for it, and let's face it--she's a hot 23 year old chick and you're not!

 

"Poor little me--FL510 why did you take advantage of me, boo hoo hoo? You big bad predatory middle aged man!"

 

When they get too clingy is when it's time to dump 'em. Your best bet to do that is to find a new guy to fix her up with. Try not to be too obvious about it.

 

Hopefully she will retract her claws from your carcass and insert them into her next victim. The trick is to make her think that she is dumping you rather than you dumping her. Start doing annoying habits around her, like chewing with your mouth open or picking your nose at the dinner table. When you plan on seeing her, eat a lot of foods that make you "gassy"--beans, broccoli--and rip some loud ones when you are with her. Start asking her to do sexual things that you think will repulse her. Don't brush your teeth, and try to sweat a lot.