Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[John Michael Kane]

In one of his earlier posts I think he said he had them all DNA tested.

 

It sounds like what happened is his wife was basically a rampant cheating machine for their entire relationship but when she got pregnant with their first child, the nine year old, she got scared (probably because she thought one of her boyfriends may have been the father).

 

The time line given by OP seems a little ambiguous because he states first that he found out about the affairs five years ago, which was "over two years" after they ended, but implied that they ended when she was preggo with the first kid, who is nine. But two years before he found out would have been seven years ago, not nine or ten (when she would have been pregnant with kid no. 1). That's an unexplained two year gap.

 

OP's wife sounds like she was cheating rather insanely--long term affairs, one nighters--I suspect he was sexually inexperienced man in his thirties but was totally bowled over by her youthful sexuality and completely ignored what must have been about a thousand red flags. OP's wife was cheating on him from day 1 obviously. Meanwhile he makes a very good paycheck so I'm guessing he's some kind of finance or technology nerd of some kind.

 

 

 

Sounds like the record of her cheating might be a little more complicated than OP wants to disclose (but who could blame him if it's worse than he's told us--that's bad enough, isn't it?)

 

When I suggested having her tracked by a PI OP also stated that he had done the PI thing multiple times including "fairly recently" which means he's never really regained trust of his wife. So I think a lot of the stuff he put about his wife's turning over a new leaf in his first post in the thread was more or less obligatory guilt-induced wifey worship/pedastaling of her. He doesn't and he shouldn't trust her ever again.

 

Obviously his wife is the real cheater in the family but she "broke" him so badly that he had to look elsewhere for emotional sustenance, he made a friend, the friend happened to be a gold-digging young college tart, so of course OP was very easy to reel in. (Probably just the way his wife--who is also significantly younger than OP--reeled him in.)

 

Think about it: His wife would have been in her early to mid 20's when they first started seeing each other, just around the age of the OW. I'm sure that similarity is a big part of what attracted OP to the OW--he was psychologically trying to rerun or have a "do over" of his original, untainted relationship with his wife, through the affair with the OW.

 

No cheating isn't right even a revenge affair but that horse left the barn three years ago and no way is there any point in berating him for that now. I am sick and tired of listening to all these chatterers telling OP he has some kind of moral obligation to his cheating wife, some kind of moral obligation to his tarty co-ed, to do anything other than what is best for himself. That's ridiculous.

 

LOL You know what I don't agree with a few of the things you posted here, but man you're on target!!! Great post.

[dreamingoftigers]

So so true.

 

Not by me.

[seren]

If a cheating wife is called a slut, what does that make a cheating man?

[bentnotbroken]

If a cheating wife is called a slut, what does that make a cheating man?

 

 

A heslut. Or if it according to Eddie Griffin a manwhore.

[John Michael Kane]

Not by me.

 

Yes it is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes it is.

 

:lmao:

[OnyxSnowfall]

No cheating isn't right even a revenge affair but that horse left the barn three years ago and no way is there any point in berating him for that now. I am sick and tired of listening to all these chatterers telling OP he has some kind of moral obligation to his cheating wife, some kind of moral obligation to his tarty co-ed, to do anything other than what is best for himself. That's ridiculous.

 

Sigh... if he's guilt-ridden, how is going against what he thinks is morally intact going to allay it? Cognitive dissonance will find a way to settle itself... or drive someone completely mad. WHERE, exactly, he settles though... is important... and yes, for HIS SAKE.

 

Keeping both women and compartmentalizing them isn't exactly in his best interest (although your subsequent posts have since stated he should lose the OW). Getting off on "getting even" isn't exactly healthy, either: it's nurturing something negative... and who is the one whom is truly going to have to pay the consequences for that?

 

How about he question what he wants his life to be like.

 

Does he really want to stay with a woman he may never be able to trust?

Does he really want to persist in a "relationship" where deception has been tossed to and fro in a futility to find solace?

Does he really want to take his chances with a possibly emotionally/mentally unstable young woman?

Does he really want to attempt to assuage his sorrows with multiple one-nights?

 

It's obvious he's been hurt. I think he needs to deal with his hurt in a manner other than perpetuating his hurt onto others. Guess what the OW is likely going to do? Probably that... it really takes a strong individual to break a cycle. Ideally, he can find a way to come to terms with being betrayed and having remained with the betrayer only to cheat too.

 

Being promiscuous and dishonest in return is... well...

 

likely not going to accomplish a peace of mind. It just seems like it takes something dark and primitive to encourage someone to be dishonest and not consider other people involved.

 

I find it strange that those who are in ill places think to hand out advice ... it's like a recipe for "I am bitter, this is what temporarily relieves my bitterness... COMMISERATE WITH ME IN MY BITTERNESS and my inability to heal".

 

No... just, no.

[PatFinkle]

If a cheating wife is called a slut, what does that make a cheating man?

 

 

"Slut" is a generic term that can apply to anyone who is sexually promiscuous, not just a cheating wife. I am not gender-biased so if you want to call a cheater man a "slut" or a "he-slut" it's fine with me.

[StoneCold]

I said her innocence and naivety, there is a difference. And no, I'm not completely excusing her, but he is being predatory here. A 23 yr old who gets involved with a mm obviously has some issues and he is taking advantage of her issues.

 

LOL you're kidding me right? Innocence? Being preyed on??? Shes a grown woman BB07...shes not a minor and shes not clinically insane. Beleive me shes knows what she is doing.

 

LMAO a 23 year old doesnt have to have "issues" to get involved with a married man..her are but a few motives:

 

- She doesnt care about the other woman

- She has no regard for the institution of marriage

- Shes trying to line up a suggar daddy...oh yeah never heard that one before

- Perhaps she geniunely likes him..maybe she even believes she loves him and he loves her.

- The sex is good

- Shes attracted to older men....but no that couldnt be it because women typically arent attracted to older guys

 

...or maybe he simply has a huge cock and shes a "size queen". Who knows...it could be anything

 

Why is it women always want to absolve other women of any sort of responsibility for their actions when ever a man is involved? lmao...

[PatFinkle]

Sigh... if he's guilt-ridden, how is going against what he thinks is morally intact going to allay it? Cognitive dissonance will find a way to settle itself... or drive someone completely mad. WHERE, exactly, he settles though... is important... and yes, for HIS SAKE.

 

Except if you accept that maybe he doesn't really have much of anything he should feel guilty about. His wife only disclosed that she was a serial cheater AFTER she was already pg with their first kid. Someone said maybe she only told because someone else threatened to disclose it first and it just occurred to me who that might have been...obviously whatever OM she was screwing at the time she got pregnant, and might have also been the child's father (before the DNA test ruled that out).

 

Think about that for a second. She's been cheating before and during the entire marriage, but then gets pregnant. The OM finds out and wants to know if it's his. (Maybe he wants to be a daddy?) He threatens to tell the OP so as to break up the marriage and get OP's wife for himself. She panics since she never wanted to divorce her well-paid husband and marry some muscly tattooed bad boy loser. You see she likes living in a very nice house. She likes it very much.

 

But whatever. It's obvious that there's a lot more in this story that OP has declined to tell us. That's obvious just from the timeline discrepancy. That's OK, we know enough to realize he has nothing to feel guilty about here.

 

 

Keeping both women and compartmentalizing them isn't exactly in his best interest (although your subsequent posts have since stated he should lose the OW).

 

He's not "keeping" anyone. His wife is staying with him because he supports her and the children. Hot as she may still be at age 34, there's not much of a market for 34 year old women with three school age kids. Not much of a marriage market that is. His OW is free to do whatever she wants and she can find another boyfriend easily. But the college age dudes don't have the nice car and plenty of money to spend on her and probably don't worship her the way OP does either.

 

As far as the OP or anyone of us really knows, both his wife and the OW are screwing other men in addition to him. So there is nothing for him to feel guilty about here.

 

 

Getting off on "getting even" isn't exactly healthy, either: it's nurturing something negative... and who is the one whom is truly going to have to pay the consequences for that?

 

There is nothing negative about spending the night, or many nights, between the smooth firm thighs of a 21 year old college co-ed.

 

The only one who will pay "consequences" is OP, if his wife finds out he has been boffing a super hot 21 year old. She will surely be jealously outraged and her ego crushed and divorce him and take him to the cleaners. There have been and will be no real consequences for OP's cheating spouse--she got to cheat, but she got to keep her husband, her house, her marriage, her family, and all the associated goodies. The OW has no real consequences either.

 

If no one ever finds out then the only consequence the OP will have is some amazing sex with a 21 year old hottie and the knowledge that he got the last laugh on his cheating wife. (Until he finds out some day about all the other men she has been banging all the while but he didn't know about.)

 

 

How about he question what he wants his life to be like.

 

21 years old. 21 years old. There is nothing else in life.

Man I envy OP, not the part about his wife cheating, but the part about the 21 year old co-ed--God do I envy him.

 

 

Does he really want to stay with a woman he may never be able to trust?

 

Maybe not but he might definitely want to stay with a woman who has the legal ability to take half his stuff plus alimony plus child support should they split up. At least until the youngest kid is 18, anyway.

 

 

Does he really want to persist in a "relationship" where deception has been tossed to and fro in a futility to find solace?

 

Nothing futile about it. He never said he wanted to divorce his wife. He just wanted some p*ssy on the side and he got it. Now he feels better about himself, he regained his manhood, but he needs to get rid of the OW before she makes things too complicated.

 

 

Does he really want to take his chances with a possibly emotionally/mentally unstable young woman?

 

Take his chances as in "try to have sex with her" the answer is "yes." Take his chances as in "become involved in an emo relationship as her knight in shining armor to rescue her from her underlying daddy issues which only a trained psychiatrist and several years of expensive therapy could possibly do," the answer is "no."

 

 

 

Does he really want to attempt to assuage his sorrows with multiple one-nights?

 

I assume what he would be trying to assuage in this manner would be his penis, not his sorrows.

 

So the answer is "yes" he really would want to.

 

 

 

It's obvious he's been hurt. I think he needs to deal with his hurt in a manner other than perpetuating his hurt onto others.

 

He hasn't hurt anyone. What is it with you ladies of victimology?

 

 

 

Guess what the OW is likely going to do? Probably that... it really takes a strong individual to break a cycle. Ideally, he can find a way to come to terms with being betrayed and having remained with the betrayer only to cheat too.

 

 

He did find a way to come to terms with it--he banged a 21 year old co ed, over and over and over again, and enjoyed every minute of it.

 

Sorry if that notion is offensive to some of the love shack ladies--god forbid a man in his position should even fractionally do what his wife did first.

 

 

Being promiscuous and dishonest in return is... well...

 

....come on, say it..."is"...."is"...."is" the natural consequence of his wife's having serially cheated on him.

 

Yes it is ALL HER FAULT. I have no problem saying it which is why I don't think he needs to have too much guilt over his actions.

 

 

 

likely not going to accomplish a peace of mind. It just seems like it takes something dark and primitive to encourage someone to be dishonest and not consider other people involved.

 

It's not in either the OP's best interests nor in his wife's best interests nor in their kids' best interests for them to get divorced. If he tells her about his affair, to a 21 year old, even if it's over with, she will divorce him out of sheer jealousy and spite that he did to her what she'd done to him first. You see that's how cheaters think about things. They can do it to you but god forbid anyone do it to them also. She will have all the fury of a woman scorned even though she really has no right to that fury.

 

Women who cheat and women who have affairs with other women's husbands are at heart selfish, self-centered, evil, vengeful, immature, and malevolent. They are not good losers and they do not play fair. The only thing that's kind of ironic about this situation is that I'll bet OP's OW is exactly the same kind of woman that his wife is, and if he married the OW, she'd cheat on him too. So to that extent he hasn't really learned anything. Maybe next time he will find an independently wealthy homely woman who will love him for who he is and not how much money he makes--except that's not nearly as much fun as the co-ed hottie who is only half your own age.

 

 

 

 

I find it strange that those who are in ill places think to hand out advice ... it's like a recipe for "I am bitter, this is what temporarily relieves my bitterness... COMMISERATE WITH ME IN MY BITTERNESS and my inability to heal".

 

No... just, no.

 

I find it even more strange that people who are in places where they won't have to pay OP's property settlement, child support, or alimony to his wife are telling him to do something which will almost inevitably result in him having to get divorced and pay those things.

[Richard Friedman]

 

No cheating isn't right even a revenge affair but that horse left the barn three years ago and no way is there any point in berating him for that now. I am sick and tired of listening to all these chatterers telling OP he has some kind of moral obligation to his cheating wife, some kind of moral obligation to his tarty co-ed, to do anything other than what is best for himself. That's ridiculous.

 

 

Exactly. His wife, cunning lady that she is, disclosed her extracurricular activities to the OP only after she'd already roped him into marriage with the full weight of the legal/divorce industry on her side. Do you think he would have agreed to play house with her if he knew beforehand.? She basically played a game with his life and hedged her bets such that she cant lose. Why should the OP lose half his hard-earned cash and the right to see his kids because he married a FRAUD and the courts are are rigged against him. She's already taken his pride and his youth(ie the options he could have had)? The least he can expect is a little fun without moral obligations to his con-artist wife. For all the claptrap about women being "in touch with feelings", you lot seem unable to empathize with a man.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Finkle - It isn't all her fault. At one time, it may have been MOSTLY her fault.

 

He could have chosen to leave her if he was unable to move on (and quite frankly, I wouldn't expect anyone to move on from what he's stated she did. I know for certain that if I myself had been involved with someone who divulged such terrible things to me, I would probably succumb to terrible measures of spite/become hateful if I didn't leave. It's just not in me to get over betrayal and deceit)

 

But yes, he could have left and let her be the monster... rather than begin to become one himself.

 

You want to say it's not wrong based on the most rudimentary reasons... it would be sickly laughable if evil was justified by more evil.

 

...really now.

 

His wife didn't deserve him obviously... yet he chose to stay. (FL510, what were your primary reasons for struggling and enduring it all?)

 

Regardless, he is "cheating" right now. Whether or not she once cheated, right now HE is the one who is having an emotional and physical affair outside of his marriage. Unless his wife agreed to let him sleep around so that he could "balance" things out or whatever it is... it's still cheating. And as far as he can see, his wife has changed. "Punishing" others who believe have our "forgiveness" is... well, at least let them know they don't have it.

 

And for the record... I left a relationship that put me in a situation where I stayed in a car and lived from place to place with a newborn baby... I'm in a much better place now, sometimes it's hard to believe... but I firmly stand by that SANITY and a chance at happiness is far more beautiful than money and security. If it comes down to practicality or "inner fulfillment"... there's just no contest for me. The latter before the former... because the former means nothing without the latter.

 

So... if losing material gains means an opportunity at something positive and nourishing and wonderful... then that's what it takes. As far as child support goes... perhaps 50/50 can be worked out... there's always other options.

Edited August 22, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Richard Friedman]

Finkle - It isn't all her fault. At one time, it may have been MOSTLY her fault.

...

But yes, he could have left and let her be the monster... rather than begin to become one himself.

...

You want to say it's not wrong based on the most rudimentary reasons... it would be sickly laughable if evil was justified by more evil.

...

.

 

 

So... if losing material gains means an opportunity at something positive and nourishing and wonderful... then that's what it takes. As far as child support goes... perhaps 50/50 can be worked out... there's always other options.

 

Very easy for you to talk about someone else's material things. i'll bet this guy's one of many who thought that if he played by the rules, worked hard in school, and kept busting his ass in university when everyone is getting trashed and laid he'd be rewarded in the end. Faithful loving wife, nice house in a nice neighborhood, no financial worries etc. She's already kicked his teeth in on the first count. Now you're asking him to give her half of the stuff he busted his ass for, and the right to see his flesh and blood daily because he can't cope with bad decisions SHE made? What's wrong with this picture? Looks like he's in an okay place after a hellish ride. Gets to be a family man and some hot tail. Why should he give it up for the benefit of a woman who DEFRAUDED him? Why must he always be the good one at his own expense?

[OnyxSnowfall]

Richard - how can you even begin to presume to know him and his dreams?

 

I digress... I'm not saying he deserves to pay her --- but if the system is set up to where he will have to pay her, regardless of her infidelity, then that system is just fail. Unfortunately, there are plenty of fail systems one must go through in life... crying that it isn't fair doesn't change them... and no, it wouldn't be fair if he has to pay to take care of a woman who ended up betraying him. But "cheating" on her and involving someone else's life doesn't solve things either.

 

He should be the "good" one for his own expense. Ultimately.

[John Michael Kane]

Richard - how can you even begin to presume to know him and his dreams?

 

I digress... I'm not saying he deserves to pay her --- but if the system is set up to where he will have to pay her, regardless of her infidelity, then that system is just fail. Unfortunately, there are plenty of fail systems one must go through in life... crying that it isn't fair doesn't change them... and no, it wouldn't be fair if he has to pay to take care of a woman who ended up betraying him. But "cheating" on her and involving someone else's life doesn't solve things either.

 

He should be the "good" one for his own expense. Ultimately.

 

Of course the system is set up that way, you know that. Point is, he's not the only one at fault here.

[OnyxSnowfall]

JMK - I don't think he's the only one at fault here... at all. I've not even insinuated that. I think the OW has responsibility. I can't really say for the W... she likely spawned something very raw within him and was unable to make up for it because... for better or worse, overcoming it is only within his power.

 

What I have, however, insinuated... is that his decisions should go in a better direction than that of "revenge" and temporary "respite" fueled with deception and being closed off to his wife.

 

I am curious as to why he's truly tried so hard to salvage his marriage in the past. If it's primarily financial/children orientated... I really don't know if those things are worth "saving" a marriage for. If it was out of a love for his wife that has since faded... then that is just very sad... perhaps inevitable... but he can "still" leave his wife... he doesn't have to "come clean" either way... I would personally find it the more honorable thing to do. That's just me...

 

it may not even be because he's "getting back"... he stated he thought he'd moved on. Maybe he was having other needs go unmet and he just "fell prey to it", having the convenient justification that his wife had soiled their relationship already anyway... maybe he and his wife have a little more in common than they should... or least, that his wife once did.

 

It doesn't change that his wife is likely unaware that he's in love with another woman, whom he also has sexual relations with. It doesn't change that, at least in his words, his wife has stopped cheating, has improved, and has tried to live out penance for her misdeeds (that she hopefully owned up to)... meanwhile, he's plummeted into cheating waters and hides them.

 

Generally, I do think if someone is going to have an affair that they should leave the relationship before they go through with it... I don't care if it's a relationship with someone that has cheated on them. If they make the decision to stay and work on things, lines of communication on both sides need to be open...

 

working on a relationship, a marriage, does not mean "for a few months, maybe a few years..." it rather means for a "life-time". You can't commit to someone for that long, then don't. Once you seek something outside of the relationship that you know will hurt another person... it's just wrong. Even if they've hurt you. Yes they were wrong. But if you can't get over it with them, please, for everyone's sake, you should just move on. It certainly isn't your fault if you can't, but it can be expressed in other ways... or, inform them of your misdeeds and see if it can still be recovered. All the hiding and the cowardice is just... oh, the "right" thing to do... right...

Edited August 22, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[anne1707]

And nobody is saying he's not hypocritical, but that's not part of the discussion. This is about if he actually tells his wife and she divorces him, all because he saw one woman, compared to her multiple statures of cheating.

 

 

But plenty of other posters in this thread are cheerleading him whilst bashing her for their respective affairs. The hypocrisy demonstrated in this thread is just so blatant and offensive

 

As shown by this post.....

 

 

OP's wife was a serial cheater so I think it's safe to say she didn't give much if any thought to the pain that might inflict on her spouse. If you don't think you have the ability to figure that out that's fine, but please don't assume that the rest of us lack that ability.

 

 

 

 

 

I think you are rather self-centered because this thread isn't about you. But typically, women involved in affairs make everything about themselves, even when it's not.

 

 

 

 

Just like BB07, you are identifying with one of the females in OP's situation--his cheating wife rather than his OW--and projecting your situation into this thread.

 

It can be argued (with just as much proof as you have Pat) that the wife has realised what harm she did and has done all she can to work on her marriage. In fact this was stated in the very first post of the thread.

 

And you have proved that on this particular situation, you (along with others) do believe that what is not good for the goose, is good for the gander. I was self-centred for my affair (which I agree with) yet the OP here is a hero.

 

I was actually trying to show how I could theorectically be identified with the OP. It's just some here refuse to see anything from another's point of view. Too subtle for them I guess

 

This thread for some posters here has turned into a gender bashing thread. Men can have revenge affairs. Women can't. Men are to be admired for getting another woman. Women are sluts. And so it goes on.

[John Michael Kane]

What I have, however, insinuated... is that his decisions should go in a better direction than that of "revenge" and temporary "respite" fueled with deception and being closed off to his wife.

Of course, but we're past the talk of morality.

 

I am curious as to why he's truly tried so hard to salvage his marriage in the past. If it's primarily financial/children orientated... I really don't know if those things are worth "saving" a marriage for. If it was out of a love for his wife that has since faded... then that is just very sad... perhaps inevitable... but he can "still" leave his wife... he doesn't have to "come clean" either way... I would personally find it the more honorable thing to do. That's just me...

Again he already stated why he stayed. Go back and read his previous posts.

 

It doesn't change that his wife is likely unaware that he's in love with another woman, whom he also has sexual relations with. It doesn't change that, at least in his words, his wife has stopped cheating, has improved, and has tried to live out penance for her misdeeds (that she hopefully owned up to)... meanwhile, he's plummeted into cheating waters and hides them.

He's not in love with this woman and just because his wife paused with the cheating for a few months to a year doesn't change what she did.

[John Michael Kane]

But plenty of other posters in this thread are cheerleading him whilst bashing her for their respective affairs.

 

Nobody is "cheerleading" him about having a side dish but every woman is painting him as someone who's predatory and the only one who's wrong in this marriage and it's hypocritical.

 

The hypocrisy demonstrated in this thread is just so blatant and offensive

And certain posters who are making OP's situation about them and stating outrageous assumptions about only him is uncalled for, and does nothing to solve this situation.

[OnyxSnowfall]

JMK - perhaps you need to also go back and read his posts?

 

Thanks everyone. I know that I need to let her go. I know it is the right thing to do. She is an incredible young woman that came from a horrific, mentally, physically and sexually abusive past and is making something of herself, on her own and with very little help. I look at what she has pulled herself out of and I am in awe. My childhood looked like the Cosby show but with white people. I am scared to death that if I just dump her it will send her self esteem and current upswing in life into a death spiral. She goes back to school soon, full time at a major university here in town. I know if I break it off now she will drop her classes, and may not go back. I do love her, she knows this, but will there ever be a good time to end this? It kills me to even think about.

 

My stupid plan seemed so simple and effective. Have the affair, make sure it was sexually amazing, do everything I wanted to do, then end it, and live my life knowing I stuck it to my wife, and we are now even, and can move on. Problem is, when we play these games, there are other lives at stake. Very real feelings.

 

. . . I started this for revenge....that is not why I stayed in it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Nobody is "cheerleading" him about having a side dish but every woman is painting him as someone who's predatory and the only one who's wrong in this marriage and it's hypocritical.

 

And certain posters who are making OP's situation about them and stating outrageous assumptions about only him is uncalled for, and does nothing to solve this situation.

 

I believe at this point in the marriage he is the only one confirmed committing adultery. He did not have to forgive or condone his wife's cheating. But he did. He needs to own that.

[OnyxSnowfall]

OP - Just do what you think is right... you know what that is, no one else can really tell you what is right or wrong for you. It would probably do you well to seek out counseling of some form... some kind of support while you follow what you think is best. Most paths you can take from here will likely be difficult... not all will remain that way, though some will... good luck and I hope you are able to find clarity and do what's best for you, your children, your w and yes, even the ow.

[John Michael Kane]

JMK - perhaps you need to also go back and read his posts?

 

That's just the sex talking. He really doesn't. You don't love someone you had an affair with so again, read his previous posts.

[John Michael Kane]

I believe at this point in the marriage he is the only one confirmed committing adultery. He did not have to forgive or condone his wife's cheating. But he did. He needs to own that.

 

And she needs to own her own crap.

[OnyxSnowfall]

JMK - you need to change your avatar to

 

"no cheating... unless you've been cheated on"

 

also... it's nice to encounter someone who can read peoples thoughts and emotions through a monitor... as soon as I get PM capabilities, I'm so going to ask you several things I've been dying to know :love:

 

finally, someone who is able to judge peoples hearts and minds... whether they know them or not.