Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[StoneCold]

Sorry Stonecold...but like I told an OW whose MM was "in the process"...its not a process if it involves no concrete changes over months and years. It's just an excuse at that point..

 

A) You dont know his situation and what changes may or may not have occured

 

B) Define "concrete". "concrete" to him may not be concrete to you and its not your marriage to judge, maintain or drop...its his

 

 

...sorry Owl. You can beleive what you want but I am not in agreement. It doesnt matter what you or I think anyways...its his call

 

I will agree she "was wrong first"....but I'm also figuring we've all heard the "two wrongs" saying from our parents. Nuff said.

 

A) Yeah but right for who exactly...It all depends on what the person sees as the "right" in this situation...and thats given that he is actually in pursuit of whats "right" to begin with. Maybe hes not.

 

B) That does not change the fact that she had to go through her own process on her time

Edited August 22, 2011 by StoneCold

[Owl]

Stonecold...everyone has to tell themselves that they're "right"... even when everyone else and everything else indicates that they're wrong. Someone else brought up Nazi Germany on another thread....which reminds me that I'm sure that even Hitler and th SS were convinced what they were doing was right.

 

In other words...people will always justify their own actions and other's that support them, even in the face of massive evidence to the contrary.

 

I'm sure that I will never convince you that cheating for whatever eeasin is wrong...and I doubt you'll convince contrary as well.

[StoneCold]

Stonecold...everyone has to tell themselves that they're "right"....

 

Again... "right" as in how? "Right" as in "I am justified to do it"? or "right" as in "it suits my selfish mandate". I see these as different. People can be capable of both given certain situations

 

Case in point...

 

Someone else brought up Nazi Germany on another thread....which reminds me that I'm sure that even Hitler and th SS were convinced what they were doing was right..

 

Hitler may have thought his actions "right" because they are "justified". But his SS storm troopers doing his dirt may have thought it "right" because if they dont they are f*cked to some degree..or maybe some just got off on it.

 

 

I'm sure that I will never convince you that cheating for whatever eeasin is wrong...and I doubt you'll convince contrary as well.

 

Then we should agree to disagree

[nyrias]

Any relationship in which one or both partners entered with the expectation of monogamy or commitment.

 

If the basis is something different, that's great as long as both parties have the same expectations of their partner and the relationship. Then its not cheating and there is no deception or devestation caused by broken vows and hearts.

 

You are still operating on the assumption of a FAIR relationship where there is no deception.

 

Why would a person entering a such a relationship if the goal is to take revenge and it is short-term? Cheating is detrimental to a long term, loving, monogamous relationship. That has been established by research & examples on this site. However, if the goal of the relationship is for revenge, or some sort of self-interests (like money), i do not see cheating as detrimental to such goals.

 

Just like if you have a not-so-liked friend crashing at your place and you will lie to him/her to make him/her leave.

[John Michael Kane]

Not at all. I advocate divorce because I don't view cheating as a way to maintain any kind of relationship.

 

Now Owl, you know good and well you do not advocate divorce and if that was the case, you would be divorced by now.

[nyrias]

I'm sure that I will never convince you that cheating for whatever eeasin is wrong...and I doubt you'll convince contrary as well.

 

You don't have to. Right and wrong are personal. You already define cheating (a behavior) as wrong. Others may define "wrong" as connected to the intention, not the action.

 

There may be MANY reasons for a different in OPINION of what is right or wrong.

 

To me, more interesting is the cause and effect.

 

In this case, cheating is NOT conducive to a long term, loving, monogamous relationship. I will buy that.

 

However, i am not convinced that it is not an effective method to exact revenge. Or I am not convinced that it may not be a effective tactic to get into a new relationship, during a divorce/separation process.

 

Sure, it may still be "wrong" to you under all those circumstances. But right or wrong (at least your version) is certainly NOT the only consideration in human decision making. Otherwise, there will be no cheating and this site would not have existed.

 

Hence, would you at least discuss the possibility of actions (in this case cheating) which you obviously deem wrong, but may still be effective in whatever goals of others?

[bentnotbroken]

Clearly that would be a possible argument for you to make since your h cheated on you first. But I don't see how OP's wife could make that argument--and as a matter of fact, she never did make that argument, as far as we know.

 

 

 

The problems in this particular marriage are solely due to the fact that OP had the misfortune to fall in love with and marry a cheating, conniving, lying spouse who had multiple affairs on him. (Please read the original post.) The reason OP cheated was because he never forgave his wife for what she did to him. She caused all of the problems in the marriage including breaking the OP emotionally to the point where having his own affair seemed like a good idea to him.

 

 

 

 

He also has the choice of continuing a purely sexual affair with his OW and not telling his wife about it, waiting until the kids are grown and out of the house, and then divorcing his cheating spouse when she will be too old to have much luck finding another husband.

 

On the other hand his spouse has exactly the same choice so it's fair of him to choose this option.

 

 

 

 

It doesn't sound to me like OP is living a "half life." It sounds to me like he is living a life and a half, actually.

 

 

Yeah, the devil made him do it. He was too immature, too hurt or too stupid to make a decision to walk away according to those running around with the playground mindset of "they did it first". Absolves on of personal responsibility everytime :lmao:. And before one of you come at me with the gender supporting crap I believe the same thing if it were a woman who used that lame rationalization. As I have said on here many times. Anybody got some cheese to go with the whine?

[anne1707]

Clearly that would be a possible argument for you to make since your h cheated on you first. But I don't see how OP's wife could make that argument--and as a matter of fact, she never did make that argument, as far as we know.

 

You missed the sarcasm. I actually see it as no argument whatsoever. Not for me. Not for the OP. My decision to have an affair was entirely mine and was not due to my H's affair.

 

The problems in this particular marriage are solely due to the fact that OP had the misfortune to fall in love with and marry a cheating, conniving, lying spouse who had multiple affairs on him. (Please read the original post.)

 

Did the OP state she was cheating from day one? She is also not cheating now. Hence she is not a completely conniving, deceitful spouse. Yes she messed up but according to the OP she has done all she can since then to help rebuild the marriage.

 

 

The reason OP cheated was because he never forgave his wife for what she did to him. She caused all of the problems in the marriage including breaking the OP emotionally to the point where having his own affair seemed like a good idea to him.

 

We do not know the full history of the relationship therefore it is not possible to say that she caused all the probelems in the marriage. What problems were there leading up to her infidelity? What were the causes of those problems?

 

Even then it still does not justify his affair. We're back to those 2 wrongs etc argument.

 

 

He also has the choice of continuing a purely sexual affair with his OW and not telling his wife about it, waiting until the kids are grown and out of the house, and then divorcing his cheating spouse when she will be too old to have much luck finding another husband.

 

Oh classy. You just want to see the wife (women???) destroyed. How childish and vindictive.

 

 

On the other hand his spouse has exactly the same choice so it's fair of him to choose this option.

 

She actually chose to be honest with her H and try and make the marriage work.

 

 

 

It doesn't sound to me like OP is living a "half life." It sounds to me like he is living a life and a half, actually.

 

If he was so happy with his lot, he would not be posting here. Also what about the children? And no, they will not think "Oh well Dad was OK to cheat on Mum for 20 years because of what she did way back then". They will just know that their father was living a lie throughout their whole childhood.

[dreamingoftigers]

Now Owl, you know good and well you do not advocate divorce and if that was the case, you would be divorced by now.

 

Essentially where the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation are impossible.

 

Owl has forgiven and reconciled with his wife.

[John Michael Kane]

Essentially where the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation are impossible.

 

Owl has forgiven and reconciled with his wife.

 

Let's not go through this again on the subject of reconciliation.

[dreamingoftigers]

Now Owl, you know good and well you do not advocate divorce and if that was the case, you would be divorced by now.

 

Not sure we have been through it before.

 

But we can fast-forward:

 

Pick your side of dialogue: "yes", "no", "yes","no","its a fact", "no it isn't"..... "I gotta go to the washroom, I'm not giving up."

 

Can we assume that it is 3 am yet?

[anne1707]

Not sure we have been through it before.

 

But we can fast-forward:

 

Pick your side of dialogue: "yes", "no", "yes","no","its a fact", "no it isn't"..... "I gotta go to the washroom, I'm not giving up."

 

Can we assume that it is 3 am yet?

 

Now come on DoT, you're talking to yourself again, there's no one listening

[dreamingoftigers]

*sigh* you can't tell me that the spammer didn't listen.

[anne1707]

*sigh* you can't tell me that the spammer didn't listen.

 

Spammer, hydra, all about the same level really

[nyrias]

Let's not go through this again on the subject of reconciliation.

 

Why not? Reconciliation is obviously ONE option and many here have chosen it.

[John Michael Kane]

Why not? Reconciliation is obviously ONE option and many here have chosen it.

 

Reconciliation is not just one option and is not even really an option.

 

And only a few here have chosen it.

[bentnotbroken]

Good comparison you just made between a multiple-cheating spouse and "the devil."

 

 

 

 

 

No he wasn't. He sincerely tried to forgive and forget. But some things are impossible to forgive and forget. He was horribly victimized by his cheating spouse and you have the nerve to call him "immature" and "stupid."

 

 

 

 

I agree his spouse should not be absolved of her responsibility for completely destroying their marriage by having multiple affairs, before he ever even contemplated an affair.

 

 

 

 

All you need to do is point out one of the threads right here at love shack started by one of the many cheating wifes who post here, in which you actually came out and called them "immature" and "too stupid."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Except you're the one who's whining.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:You're a funny little man. Aren't you just something?

[bentnotbroken]

You seem to get your jollies from insulting people....first the OP, now me...but that's O.K.

 

You claimed you would say the same thing to a cheating wife and I have challenged you to show where you did that.

 

No answer from you, just an insult.

 

That speaks for itself, honey.

 

 

Ask Ladydesigner how many times I have said that to her? Or September or any other woman who did the same thing as OP. It's pretty well documented. Gender means nothing to anyone who isn't a soldier in the war among those who are always looking for one. But if you are too lazy to look it up I am not going to feed your delusions. And I take anything you have to say about me with a grain of salt. That is how much it really means. Your challenges are the way you get your groove on, I dont' groove like that. :laugh:

[FL510]

About the timeline. The numbers are a bit skewed in the interest of anonymity. But I could really care less at this point. My W admitted her affair 5 years ago. It had ended 2 years prior. I met the OW 3 years ago when she was 21...I am overseas on a poor connection, and have limited time to read back several pages...but apparently I am someone else? or a Nazi? really?

[Owl]

I've not ridiculed nor insulted the OP. I'be just suggested that he be honest with his wife and either seek an open marriage or divorce.

[fltc]

To all the folks saying "divorce! divorce! right now!!" obviously if OP wanted to get divorced he had years in which to do that, and decided he didn't want to, at least not yet.

 

Now he's realized that he has NOT forgiven her and probably never will. It's a new situation he has to think about....

[bentnotbroken]

I've not ridiculed nor insulted the OP. I'be just suggested that he be honest with his wife and either seek an open marriage or divorce.

 

 

Niether have I. I ridiculed the excuses that other posters have concoted on his behalf. He didn't post the things they are speculating on. They got a story in their head(s) and ran with it. I think that is funny as hell. Maybe it really is sad instead. Something for me to think on.

[dreamingoftigers]

About the timeline. The numbers are a bit skewed in the interest of anonymity. But I could really care less at this point. My W admitted her affair 5 years ago. It had ended 2 years prior. I met the OW 3 years ago when she was 21...I am overseas on a poor connection, and have limited time to read back several pages...but apparently I am someone else? or a Nazi? really?

 

Please review response #156.

 

Thanks.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm asking you since you're the one who made the claim. All you need to do is quote your posts where you called them "too immature" or "too stupid."

 

 

 

 

So you are saying each of these three women had husbands who cheated on them prior to and during the marriage with multiple affair partners, sincerely tried to reconcile, failed, and then had their own affair? You called each of them "too stupid" and "too immature"? Like I said all you need to do is quote where you claim to have said that to these people.

 

 

 

 

 

You haven't documented anything in this thread. You insulted the OP, were challenged on it, then claimed you insult similarly situated female posters the same way you insulted him. But that gender equality on your part hasn't been documented by you at all, not yet, but I will wait for you to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

You're the one who declared war on the OP. Not me.

 

 

 

 

 

More insults from the non-gender warrior. You're the one who failed to back up your claim yet I'm the lazy one.

 

No you're either the lazy one or the lying one, take your choice.

 

You just can't stop insulting people because you were caught in a lie. Actually a series of them.

 

 

 

 

No you just insult people because you obviously feel you can get away with it.

 

 

I tell you what scooter. I challenge you to prove I didn't. My choice is to continue to laugh at your antics because today has been a good day and you make me laugh. Keep 'em coming sonny.

[FL510]

Fine. For anyone interested....she had a major long term affair that lasted 2 years (probably). During that same time she slept with 2 couples (threeways), her old boss, at least 2 younger guys in her office after hours. Had at least 5 other one night stands at last count....it probably does go on, but who cares. This was a period before and after we were married spanning a period of years.....from 97-2002 to be exact. There ya go, take it or leave it.