Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[Owl]

So...FL...you'll find I'm a "get it done" kinda advice giver.

 

I believe in taking action to address the situation.

 

Have you given thought to my suggestion of listing possible repercussions, and how to mitigate them? Have you determined what steps you need to take to REMOVE/BLOCK OW from your life?

 

When are you going to make this happen?

 

If you wait, if you hesitate...you'll falter and give yourself excuses not to face up to the situation and take action.

[FL510]

starting immediately. There will be no "I will never speak to you again" no contact speech to her, but it will be complete in short order.

[dreamingoftigers]

starting immediately. There will be no "I will never speak to you again" no contact speech to her, but it will be complete in short order.

 

Good for you for bringing some sense into the situation.

 

Would you mind responding to any of my previous postings?

 

I am not a troll or one of the argue back and forthers.

[Owl]

starting immediately. There will be no "I will never speak to you again" no contact speech to her, but it will be complete in short order.

 

One word of caution...going silent without explanation usually just causes the other person to reach out for an explanation. Sometimes people take this route knowing this is what will result. I suggest that you spell it out to her...then thwres no excuse for her to contact you later.

[dreamingoftigers]

One word of caution...going silent without explanation usually just causes the other person to reach out for an explanation. Sometimes people take this route knowing this is what will result. I suggest that you spell it out to her...then thwres no excuse for her to contact you later.

 

And hold VERY FIRM to it. There is no negotiation. No "last times" etc.

[stillafool]

I don't see the difference between his wife and this OW. To me they are both the same except one is younger. OP how do you know when you reach the ripe old age of 60 that your wife will be around?

[FL510]

Dreamingoftigers. Yes, I fully intend on reading this thread entirely when I get back tomorrow. Too hard on a phone! Thanks for taking the time!

[Tayla]

Thanks Tayla. Read the rest of the chapter. All the way to v. 11.

 

Your welcome BNB, its a wonderful verse when insults are being strewn particularly by a prideful person who forgets to put into action the message being told. Humility can be such a gift. Unwrap it wisely

[bentnotbroken]

Your welcome BNB, its a wonderful verse when insults are being strewn particularly by a prideful person who forgets to put into action the message being told. Humility can be such a gift. Unwrap it wisely

I will leave your version of humility to you and I will keep what I have thanks anyway. :lmao:

[FL510]

I think this is very wrong to do it this way. You found her good enough to have sex with, share time with, share intimate moments so have some decency and tell her the truth. Be firm, be strong, hell be cold if you want, but to just drop off the face of the earth is really callus. She deserves to hear it from you. I think she is in love with you by your previous comment about how you said she would wait forever. Frankly......if she is in love with you, she is going to have a very hard time with it and if you humiliate her by not treating her with common decency and telling her it's over, then you may have a full blown bunny boiler on your hands.

 

Oh, I completely agree with you about disappearing and I am in the process of doing the exact opposite of that. I was able to fade away last time...there were a couple bad fights over it, but I am going to see if history will repeat itself. The only difference is that this time it is about 1000% harder for me. Not sure why but it is. If I am stone cold and tell her it's over and go NC, I am fairly certain there would be a couple late night calls to my cell phone at the least and out right confrontation at most (ding-dong....hi I'm _____ is your mom home?)

Edited August 25, 2011 by FL510
clarity

[FL510]

She can call me whatever she likes...makes zero difference to me. Not "taking her advice", just happens to be what I am doing.

[John Michael Kane]

BTW.......I'm not a man hater as some would like you to believe. lol

 

Even though you unjustifiably called him a predator and unjustifiably claimed that he was taking advantage of a grown woman. Not cool.

[FL510]

I understand it's hard, I get it. Why not just tell her straight up that you've decided to end the affair instead of playing a game? And no you aren't required to give her reasons but you could tell her that you want to get your life in order, assuming that is true.

 

You didn't reply regarding if she is in love with you or not? Have you been telling her you love her? Have you been saying things that give her the impression that there is a future someday? If you have.......she is going to be pissed and I have a feeling that you have been leading her on, maybe even buying into the fantasy yourself in moments in time, am I correct?

 

BTW.......I'm not a man hater as some would like you to believe. lol

 

If I tell her straight up there is likely to be a confrontation. She said recently (today) that she loves me. She has also said recently that she will wait forever for me and if it is never so be it, she is still waiting. It's moving to me but I also understand that when I was 23, "forever" was usually about 6-8 months. I want to be clear that I have never given her any timelines, promises or false hopes other than the fact that I have told her I feel the same way, which I do.

[John Michael Kane]

She knew what to do to get your attention though. Even though she said she thought you were a "predator" and a "selfish ass" what she was concerned about was getting your positive attention, now that she's got some of that, she's being sweet to you.

 

Exactly. And tries to "talk down" to him as if he's the ONLY one who cheated in his marriage.

[FL510]

Exactly. And tries to "talk down" to him as if he's the ONLY one who cheated in his marriage.

 

Yeah, but I honestly could really care less about what she thinks or what she has said. I welcome any response to my screwed up, self-inflicted world. She or people like her with major issues or agendas have not one bit of influence on me. That does not mean however, that I will refuse to listen or correspond with them. In short, who cares?

[FL510]

She also called him a "selfish ass."

 

It's very interesting to see the OW/MM seduction dynamic being played out in text format between BB and FL in this thread, though.

 

The OW throws her tantrum to get the attention of the "big man"/Daddy Figure/MM--just like a little girl gets daddy's attention. Then when he does what she wants--pay attention daddy, pay attention!--she's sweet as sugar.

 

And then daddy gets his reward.

 

She is obviously giving really bad advice when it comes to actually breaking off with his OW, it's laughable that she would discourage complete No Contact which is obviously what's required. He has no intention of going NC because he wants to keep the OW "available."

 

They are just echoing and reflecting dysfunction to each other, playing the same roles on line (except for the sex part) that the affair partners play in real life.

 

Fascinating, Captain.

 

LOL!!!! anyone know what she looks like? Ghostwriter....thanks for the laugh....really! I don't do that enough lately.

[FL510]

The stimulation of your fear of her implied threat of confrontation is precisely part of the manipulation tactic that an OW uses as her part of the dysfunctional toolbox that an affair partner uses to perpetuate the relationship.

 

This is why I made the analogy to a child throwing a temper tantrum to get daddy's attention and also to the way BB07 name-called you earlier in the thread--the online equivalent of a child's temper tantrum.

 

Think about the child at the grocery story in a dysfunctional relationship with the parent, using the fear of throwing the tantrum to get the parent to buy cookies.

 

The role you are playing to your OW in the relationship is a "daddy" in a sort of twisted way and I imagine it's similar for many similar May/December OW/MM relationships.

 

As the "adult" in the relationship you are letting yourself be held emotional hostage to the "child's" threat and apparent willingness to throw a tantrum (burn your phone up, show up at your house...) In sum exactly like your kid threatening to throw a temper tantrum at the grocery store to get cookies.

 

Now of course in every such relationship there is dysfunction on both sides. By modifying your behavior or not doing something you would otherwise do in response to fear of her temper tantrum, you reinforce her dysfunction (and she reinforces you). Of course this is intermingled with the "positive" reinforcement of the sex/"love" affair part of it.

 

But the way you know it's dysfunctional (beyond the issue of infidelity) is that you are afraid of her. Whether your fear is justified or not, on some important level, you are afraid of her. The mere talk of "bunny boiler" even as a possibility means you think she's capable of it (even BB07 uses that threat to justify less than strict NC) and that signifies fear on your part. And your OW is using her knowledge of that fear as her power to manipulate you.

 

You even said somewhere earlier in the thread that you felt like she was predating on you, not the other way around. I wouldn't say that exactly because you are both in it together.

 

Ultimately you can't NOT do what you think is right due to FEAR of her unreasonable reaction. That's the "sick part" of it. And it really is literally sick. And it's anything but LOVE.

 

When you LOVE someone, then you're not AFRAID of them.

 

Think about it my friend. LOVE and FEAR just don't go together.

 

 

 

 

She probably thinks she does. That's how she can justify having an affair with you and doing whatever she thinks is necessary to keep herself in your life (which is what you're afraid of). Love justifies anything.

 

Many obsessive stalkers believe they are in love too, and that their love justifies their behavior.

 

But you're afraid of her. Or what you believe she might be capable of doing once the "love" flip flops into "hate."

 

You're not talking about her like she's a cuddly teady bear any more, you're talking about her as if she's a vial of nitroglycerin. If you don't handle her right she will go off.

 

This was a fun game for you but you're starting to realize you might have a tiger by the tail.

 

 

 

 

I really hope she's just lying to you because if she really means this then she's probably delusional. This is obsessive/stalker talk.

 

 

 

 

Dude do yourself a favor and look back in the thread and see how BB go so emotionally overwrought against you--and she's not even YOUR OW. BB wanted to draw and quarter you just from reading about your story. Even though she's been out of her affair for some time BB HATES the man she had the affair with and blames him for the problems in her life.

 

Now think about how much worse your own OW's attitude towards you will be when you try to break it off with her.

 

If you are really afraid of what she will do you need to lawyer up and tell your attorney to get ready to run to court for a TRO if necessary, but the one thing you can't do is live in fear of this little b*tch that you've been schtupping.

 

 

Thanks, there is a ton of good viewpoints there, and it makes sense to me. I really don't think it is quite that bad though. There is a little fear on my part that she will go to the dark side, but I think handled delicately and methodically, a clean break can be accomplished. Simply telling her off is not the correct course of action with this particular OW. Your response about the tiger by the tail is correct....coming out of a little fog, I can see the massive potential for disaster, and the risks taken. All this, and I am not even close to a decision about my actual marriage. Gonna be a long road. I came here for a dose of reality and that is exactly what I got. The anonymous input I have received has really been invaluable to me. From the well thought out and well written advice to the crap "just keep banging her, dude".....I take it all in. It helps a ton.

 

It's sadly obvious about BB, and the place she is coming from, I take it with a grain of salt....she may want to call me names and hang me from the rafters, but I still listen with that in mind. It could be a useful viewpoint from the other extreme.

[Owl]

I think flat out ENDING it with her, directly, unmistakeably, and to the point still remains your best option.

 

I also believe that if you're seriously concerned that OW is going to try to "seek revenge" against you by outing you to your wife, you need to preemptively do so yourself. Tell your wife BEFORE OW can try to use that against you.

 

Risky to your M? Possibly...but that risk began when you started the affair, it's nothing new.

 

I suggest that you come clean to your wife about the affair...end the affair point blank with OW...and then work to sort out what you want to do with your marriage.

 

Most find themselves forced to do this all at one time anyway...they typically don't get the luxury of trying to plan it all out themselves.

 

Tell OW it's done, and break all contact off with her.

 

Have a "sit down" conversation with your wife, and tell her what's been going on.

 

THEN see where things are headed, and what you want to do from there.

 

It eliminates the "risk" presented by breaking things of with OW...it forces you to remove your focus on OW, and prevents you from sitting there pining over the end of that relationship...and it instead forces you to focus on choosing what you want to do from here with your marriage instead.

 

Scarey? Heck yeah...but it's probably going to go down like this anyway...better to try to manage the outcome than to have it all dictated to you by events.

[Owl]

FL...another thought.

 

I'm basically giving you the same advice as BB07, albeit for completely different reasons.

 

I'm definitely NOT a former OW...LOL

 

 

I'm a former 'betrayed husband' who reconciled his marriage after his wife's emotional affair.

 

Also...to keep the air clear...I clearly mentioned previously in your thread that I felt you were just as 'wrong' for having your affair as your wife was for hers....still feel that way too.

 

That doesn't prevent me from trying to help you to resolve the issue, mind you. Just figured I'd let you know the source of the advice I'm giving you, my friend.

[jthorne]

What I can offer here is that if you tell a 23-year old girl her history that you love her, she is going to automatically interpret that love into the possibility of a future.

By telling her you love her, you implied a future, even though you didn't explicitly promise anything. You also didn't explicitly tell her there was NO future. (If you had, she wouldn't have said she'd wait forever.) You may not see it, but you've perhaps unintentionally been stringing her along. The last time you two sort of faded off into the sunset, there were probably no confessions of deep feelings were there?

 

I can also offer that you probably aren't so in love with her per se, but you are attached to how she makes you feel.

 

I frankly don't care how you end it as long as you end it for good.

 

So... if you are insisting that you two can gradually wean yourselves off of each other, what is your plan? Simply hoping she will find someone else? Answering every 3rd text instead of every one? Only answering calls on Wednesdays?

 

What is your plan?

[John Michael Kane]

If you lead her on, told her or hinted that you two had a future, and I bet you did irregardless if you admit it or not here then you can expect someone who is going to get very pissed off eventually. You said she is in love with you well I'm betting that you have took advantage of it in every way possible. For your sake, you better hope that she doesn't have any bunny boiler tendencies. Most OW don't, but every once in a while you do read of that happening.

 

He didn't lead her on to anything. She knew what she was getting into. She didn't have to be with him, she chose him, a married man. Again he's not a predator.

[nyrias]

Exactly. And tries to "talk down" to him as if he's the ONLY one who cheated in his marriage.

 

THAT is so uncharacteristic of you. Are you justifying his cheating by saying because the wife cheats first?

 

I thought you are opposed to ANY cheating. May be I am wrong.

[John Michael Kane]

THAT is so uncharacteristic of you. Are you justifying his cheating by saying because the wife cheats first?

 

My comment you quoted stated nothing to do with trying to justify his cheating.

 

I thought you are opposed to ANY cheating. May be I am wrong.

 

I am, and I have said it a couple times on this thread. I'm just pointing out the misandry and sexism towards OP.

[jthorne]

I think you explained it better than I did about what the ow is most likely thinking and feeling.

 

This weaning thing........it's crazy, it won't work and it's not fair to the ow because it keeps her invested because it will be filled with lies, omissions and half truths and manipulations. OP Is also telling himself it will make it easier on him to do it at a little bit at a time.

 

I say rip the band aid ALL THE WAY OFF. IMO to do it any other way increases the likelihood of bunny boiler. Also it is the DECENT way to handle it.

Well, from what I'm reading, FL is hoping that she will just find someone else, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. I think that's terribly misguided, but whatever.

 

But come on, let's just be logical about it. If his plan is to get her to just "go away" he isn't going to get that done by whispering sweet nothings in her ear! Surely, he realizes that if he wants that to happen, he has a much better chance of it happening by telling her that there is NO future than he does by continuing contact, especially romantic contact and/or sex.

 

Anyway, I'll renew my inquiry:

 

What's the plan?

[John Michael Kane]

Anyone who bothers to look at your history, won't take you seriously,

 

You're referring to yourself. Because OP refused to listens to someone who states he's a predator, you want to shift your attitude towards me. Your history and my history are like oil and water.

 

it's all right there in black and white.

So what, big deal.

 

Instead of making an effort to be helpful you spend the majority of your time here debating with anyone who you disagree with, seldom offering anything of substance to the original poster.

Oh I am helpful, I just don't call the OP a predator and state that he's taking advantage of a grown woman and then when I get called on it, I can't back it up.

 

Seems what you do is considered trolling because you twist and manipulate someone else's words.

You only consider it trolling because someone states the truth and not what you want to see.

 

Fl........perhaps you should look at a little bit of history here on who is offering advice. OWL is straight up and to the point, there are others but you need to be cautious with the likes of jmk and company.

Ahh but see nobody on this thread has an agenda except you, and even OP said he knows your game here.