Anyone had a Revenge Affair?

[PatFinkle]

It is also very hypocritical of the H to have an affair following his wife's affair when he knows how much pain and heartache it caused him.

 

No it wouldn't be hypocritical at all. OP's wife obviously doesn't believe affairs cause spousal pain or else she wouldn't have had numerous affairs. (Or are you suggesting OP's wife deliberately had affairs knowing it would cause him pain???)

 

If OP's wife is like the typical serial cheater the only pain she cared about was her embarrassment and fear after she got caught. But his pain? No I doubt she thought two seconds about that.

 

As a matter of fact I don't think OP's wife would be in pain at all if she knew about his cheating (which she probably suspects anyway but is smart enough to keep her trap shut if she does suspect). Instead she would feel relieved because it would finally put them on an equal footing--he would not have the moral high ground in the relationship any longer. (Unless of course one admits that his cheating would never have happened but for what she did first.)

 

This is apparent because all of the soul searching OP is doing is probably something that never troubled his cheating wife (or his OW) one little bit when she was cheating. She didn't fret and worry over doing the "right" thing. She didn't feel a drop of guilt.

[anne1707]

Seeing as the OP's wife is not posting here and, according to the OP, does not know about his affair, I don't think anybody here can confidently state what she is thinking or feeling and what her motives may be. Anybody who thinks they can do that is just being plain ridiculous.

 

So Pat - what do you think about me seeing as I had an affair following my H's affair? Was I in the wrong? Did I hurt my H? Or was he incapable of feeling pain?

[John Michael Kane]

It is also very hypocritical of the H to have an affair following his wife's affair when he knows how much pain and heartache it caused him.

 

And nobody is saying he's not hypocritical, but that's not part of the discussion. This is about if he actually tells his wife and she divorces him, all because he saw one woman, compared to her multiple statures of cheating.

[FL510]

I am very certain my wife would not leave me over this. No one could say 100 percent, but as long as it was over....don't think so. Now, if I was on the fence she would literally shove me out the door. I am positioning myself to end the affair in the near term. The OW is saying and doing things that concern me. I can't be responsible for her life, and where she takes her future. If she is a strong and smart as I think she is, she'll prevail. But that is one thing I can't own.

[fltc]

FL150, if I may add another thought...... affairs have a way of surfacing. Your wife will very likely find out one way or another, it may help lessen the coming explosion if you stop the affair and tell your wife about it.

 

I know it will be VERY difficult to do either but just keep telling yourself, "Sooner or later, my wife will find out!" and ask yourself, "Then what?"

[OnyxSnowfall]

FL510 - what are your intentions after you end the affair?

[FL510]

my intentions when I end this affair. I honestly don't know if I will come clean or not.

[PatFinkle]

Seeing as the OP's wife is not posting here and, according to the OP, does not know about his affair, I don't think anybody here can confidently state what she is thinking or feeling and what her motives may be. Anybody who thinks they can do that is just being plain ridiculous.

 

 

OP's wife was a serial cheater so I think it's safe to say she didn't give much if any thought to the pain that might inflict on her spouse. If you don't think you have the ability to figure that out that's fine, but please don't assume that the rest of us lack that ability.

 

 

 

So Pat - what do you think about me seeing as I had an affair following my H's affair?

 

I think you are rather self-centered because this thread isn't about you. But typically, women involved in affairs make everything about themselves, even when it's not.

 

 

Was I in the wrong? Did I hurt my H? Or was he incapable of feeling pain?

 

Just like BB07, you are identifying with one of the females in OP's situation--his cheating wife rather than his OW--and projecting your situation into this thread.

[PatFinkle]

my intentions when I end this affair. I honestly don't know if I will come clean or not.

 

There's absolutely no point in coming clean with your wife. I guarantee if she finds out about your affair she will declare triumph and use that as the excuse for all of her own infidelities.

 

You probably want to think that there is some moral imperative in coming clean with your wife, that somehow she will appreciate the fact that even though you've cheated on her for three years, she would value the fact that you at least finally told the truth after all that time.

 

I don't think that's very likely though. I think a person like your wife would just try to use your disclosure of the truth as leverage in your relationship.

 

Whatever else her good qualities might be, women like your wife are fundamentally selfish deceivers who can rationalize anything and if they decide it's in their best interests will easily throw you to the wolves. (Just look at some of the responses posted by OWs and cheating wives in this thread. Nothing is a straight answer, everything is twisted around, and everything is about themselves.)

 

You have a lot to lose financially in the event of a divorce so you better get into self-preservation mode and quickly.

 

Dump your bunny-boiler gf and hire a Private Investigator to track your wife for a couple of weeks. Do you really think she's been sitting at home doing nothing while you've been out banging the little co-ed for the past three years?

[PatFinkle]

I am blessed with a fantastic well paying job

 

In your next relationship, if you want to try to find a woman with character, pick someone who doesn't look upon you as a meal ticket.

[FL510]

Character? why start now?

[stillafool]

I am very certain my wife would not leave me over this. No one could say 100 percent, but as long as it was over....don't think so. Now, if I was on the fence she would literally shove me out the door. I am positioning myself to end the affair in the near term. The OW is saying and doing things that concern me. I can't be responsible for her life, and where she takes her future. If she is a strong and smart as I think she is, she'll prevail. But that is one thing I can't own.

 

 

You say you are in love with the OW. Would you at this point even care if your wife had another affair?

[FL510]

Confident about my wife not cheating actually. Been down the PI road, more than once, and fairly recently. Done the Voice recorder-ongoing, random checks of her car, cell phone, etc.... damn I sound like a psycho! So far....for years now...no issues

[Tayla]

FL510- Some members of the adult thinking nature have tried in good faith to make you understand that two wrongs don't make a right. Can you grasp that much?

 

For others here, I beleive the WIFE has reformed..

 

To be trusted...debatable, yet it sure does sound from even the Husbands' description she HAS changed her ways....now he is changing his by dippin the doggie in another well.

 

 

Scroll to the first page and re-read my post. Take those ladies out to lunch, negotiate, and by golly maybe let the Mistress meet the kids, for you seem to forget they are just as much apart of this indiscretion as you are. Its my understanding YOUR WIFE didnt carry on affairs AFTER bearing YOUR kids. Or raising them with a better handle of what family means.

 

Its your life ultimately and your actions, own them and make good on them to those around you...I personally am repulsed that you try to justify your actions when they are no different ....Ohh wait thats right, the wife did the right thing by tellin you and then went into behavior modification. Your right one of you did forgive and work for restitution, and it wasnt you....*sad*

[John Michael Kane]

FL510- Some members of the adult thinking nature have tried in good faith to make you understand that two wrongs don't make a right. Can you grasp that much?

 

For others here, I beleive the WIFE has reformed..

 

To be trusted...debatable, yet it sure does sound from even the Husbands' description she HAS changed her ways....now he is changing his by dippin the doggie in another well.

 

 

Scroll to the first page and re-read my post. Take those ladies out to lunch, negotiate, and by golly maybe let the Mistress meet the kids, for you seem to forget they are just as much apart of this indiscretion as you are. Its my understanding YOUR WIFE didnt carry on affairs AFTER bearing YOUR kids. Or raising them with a better handle of what family means.

 

Its your life ultimately and your actions, own them and make good on them to those around you...I personally am repulsed that you try to justify your actions when they are no different ....Ohh wait thats right, the wife did the right thing by tellin you and then went into behavior modification. Your right one of you did forgive and work for restitution, and it wasnt you....*sad*

 

He's blamed simply because he's a man. Because she told him about only a couple of her affairs and kept her legs closed for a few years she's all of a sudden a better person than him. If his wife was the one telling this story she would be coddled to no end.

 

Serial cheaters do not change, much less "non-serial cheaters." She could've simply told him to relieve her own guilt or because someone was going to spill the beans. And God knows how many other affairs she hasn't told him about, or worse, if she's still cheating, which is most likely the case at this point regardless of FL10's surveillance tactics.

[bentnotbroken]

FL510- Some members of the adult thinking nature have tried in good faith to make you understand that two wrongs don't make a right. Can you grasp that much?

 

For others here, I beleive the WIFE has reformed..

 

To be trusted...debatable, yet it sure does sound from even the Husbands' description she HAS changed her ways....now he is changing his by dippin the doggie in another well.

 

 

Scroll to the first page and re-read my post. Take those ladies out to lunch, negotiate, and by golly maybe let the Mistress meet the kids, for you seem to forget they are just as much apart of this indiscretion as you are. Its my understanding YOUR WIFE didnt carry on affairs AFTER bearing YOUR kids. Or raising them with a better handle of what family means.

 

Its your life ultimately and your actions, own them and make good on them to those around you...I personally am repulsed that you try to justify your actions when they are no different ....Ohh wait thats right, the wife did the right thing by tellin you and then went into behavior modification. Your right one of you did forgive and work for restitution, and it wasnt you....*sad*

 

 

His whole singsong has been one giant justification.

[John Michael Kane]

His whole singsong has been one giant justification.

 

So has hers.

[PatFinkle]

No justification is required for a man in his forties who manages to bag a 21 year old co-ed hottie.

 

If the revenge was necessary--and at this point it's a done deal, no going back--I am so so glad FL510 managed to find himself some premium tail to take out his revenge with.

 

It gives me a lot of psychic vicarious pleasure to know that FL510's cheating slut of a wife didn't get the last laugh in their relationship.

 

Now all he has to do is get into serious self-preservation mode, ignore the laughably bad advice he has been getting from some on this thread (take his kids out to lunch with his mistress??? Tayla you make me LOL!), find some diplomatic way of getting rid of the co-ed, and never say anything about the affair, at all, to his wife.

 

Hopefully he can avoid a total trainwreck here. I would give him a gambler's chance but he can't be stupid about this. He may have to take a financial hit and pay off the co-ed to keep her mouth shut. That's going to be far cheaper than a divorce though.

[OnyxSnowfall]

FL510 - whether or not you come clean, are you going to try to work on your marriage (genuinely) or do you think you will be sucked back into wanting to get even/having other affairs?

[Woggle]

He's blamed simply because he's a man. Because she told him about only a couple of her affairs and kept her legs closed for a few years she's all of a sudden a better person than him. If his wife was the one telling this story she would be coddled to no end.

 

 

So so true.

[John Michael Kane]

And while we're on the subject of this woman's numerous insurmountable affairs, are you absolutely, positively sure ALL of those kids are yours?

[PatFinkle]

OP........you would be wise to get some PROFESSIONAL HELP instead of relying on a forum or at the least read up and see who has a history here of giving FAIR advice.

 

Nothing I've said is unfair to FL510. You on the other hand clearly have an agenda of taking the side of the OW/cheating wife and have very early on and with no reason accused the OP of being "predatory." If anyone has been "unfair" it was yourself.

 

 

 

OWL comes to mind as someone who shoots straight and there are a few others.

 

You're entitled to your opinion and so is everyone else of course.

 

 

The bolded above is advice that surely you see that no one could ever take seriously if they are truly interested in doing the best/right thing.

 

I gave that advice because I do think it is the best/right thing for FL510--not for his wife, his OW, or....you.

 

Are you seriously advising OP that he should disclose his affair when it's obvious this might cause his wife to divorce him? Where do you of all people get the nerve to tell him to do something so self-destructive? Having already revealed your strong bias against him???

 

 

 

Your wife did a bad thing, but she reformed and has been on the straight and narrow,

 

She did many many "bad things" not simply "a" bad thing--(obviously though his wife must have been the repeated victim of the many predatory males she had her multiple affairs with, right?)--and there's no way of really knowing whether she's stayed on the straight and narrow. And even if she has that doesn't mean it would be a good idea for OP to foolishly disclose his affair to her.

 

 

 

 

so you have no justification or right to do what you are doing.

 

Guess again Sweetie. OP doesn't have to justify his conduct to anyone but himself. Least of all YOU, who's previously called him a "predator."

 

 

Either tell your wife the truth and end it with the ow or walk away from your marriage.

 

My lord some people have a lot of nerve!!! You cheated twice with the same married man over a ten year period, including when you knew he was married, and you think you have gained some magical ability to tell OTHERS what is right and what is wrong?

 

In your dreams....

[PatFinkle]

And while we're on the subject of this woman's numerous insurmountable affairs, are you absolutely, positively sure ALL of those kids are yours?

 

In one of his earlier posts I think he said he had them all DNA tested.

 

It sounds like what happened is his wife was basically a rampant cheating machine for their entire relationship but when she got pregnant with their first child, the nine year old, she got scared (probably because she thought one of her boyfriends may have been the father).

 

The time line given by OP seems a little ambiguous because he states first that he found out about the affairs five years ago, which was "over two years" after they ended, but implied that they ended when she was preggo with the first kid, who is nine. But two years before he found out would have been seven years ago, not nine or ten (when she would have been pregnant with kid no. 1). That's an unexplained two year gap.

 

OP's wife sounds like she was cheating rather insanely--long term affairs, one nighters--I suspect he was sexually inexperienced man in his thirties but was totally bowled over by her youthful sexuality and completely ignored what must have been about a thousand red flags. OP's wife was cheating on him from day 1 obviously. Meanwhile he makes a very good paycheck so I'm guessing he's some kind of finance or technology nerd of some kind.

 

 

 

Sounds like the record of her cheating might be a little more complicated than OP wants to disclose (but who could blame him if it's worse than he's told us--that's bad enough, isn't it?)

 

When I suggested having her tracked by a PI OP also stated that he had done the PI thing multiple times including "fairly recently" which means he's never really regained trust of his wife. So I think a lot of the stuff he put about his wife's turning over a new leaf in his first post in the thread was more or less obligatory guilt-induced wifey worship/pedastaling of her. He doesn't and he shouldn't trust her ever again.

 

Obviously his wife is the real cheater in the family but she "broke" him so badly that he had to look elsewhere for emotional sustenance, he made a friend, the friend happened to be a gold-digging young college tart, so of course OP was very easy to reel in. (Probably just the way his wife--who is also significantly younger than OP--reeled him in.)

 

Think about it: His wife would have been in her early to mid 20's when they first started seeing each other, just around the age of the OW. I'm sure that similarity is a big part of what attracted OP to the OW--he was psychologically trying to rerun or have a "do over" of his original, untainted relationship with his wife, through the affair with the OW.

 

No cheating isn't right even a revenge affair but that horse left the barn three years ago and no way is there any point in berating him for that now. I am sick and tired of listening to all these chatterers telling OP he has some kind of moral obligation to his cheating wife, some kind of moral obligation to his tarty co-ed, to do anything other than what is best for himself. That's ridiculous.

[John Michael Kane]

OP........you would be wise to get some PROFESSIONAL HELP instead of relying on a forum or at the least read up and see who has a history here of giving FAIR advice. OWL comes to mind as someone who shoots straight and there are a few others.

 

No such thing as true advice. The "type" of advice varies from person to person.

 

The bolded above is advice that surely you see that no one could ever take seriously if they are truly interested in doing the best/right thing.

No it's only advice that YOU wouldn't take seriously because you don't agree with it. Doesn't mean others won't. While I agree I wouldn't do what Pat is suggesting (because I would've been divorced from her instead of having a revenge affair), I won't say that his brand of advice is wrong.

 

Your wife did a bad thing,

See that's the problem we've been discussing right here: You're trying to mitigate what his wife did. She didn't just do a bad thing, she did the "bad thing" multiple times both before and after putting on those rings that are supposed to signify the bond of only two in love.

 

but she reformed

You can't "reform" a woman who's given away all of her cookies to multiple men. That is strictly impossible.

 

and has been on the straight and narrow, so you have no justification or right to do what you are doing.

True he doesn't have no right to cheat but not because it's not in the benefit of his wife, who has cuckolded her husband numerous times-but because he's lost the moral high-ground in this situation.

 

So to portray his wife as some Angel and him as the Devil and the ONLY wrongdoer in this marriage is unrealistic and comes off as sexist on your part, as with your recent previous posts.

 

Either tell your wife the truth and end it with the ow or walk away from your marriage.

With his wife being a serial cheater, it's most likely that his wife has not told him about all of the times she cheated, and probably fabricated some of the details about the affairs she's told him of. When a man questions his woman and her sexual activities with other men, whether it'd be just a normal conversation or him trying to find out details of an affair she's had-they always lie about who they screwed and how many they screwed. If the number of men she slept with is 32 then you better double that number. If she kissed the guy, best believe she blew him or even had him inside her. And with her mentality, if he tells her she'll probably cheat again, if she isn't already. His wife's mind is the mind of someone who's calculating just to "survive." Willing to tell a lie if it means to get stop the constant, bombarding questions. So it doesn't really matter if he told her or not.

[John Michael Kane]

Nothing I've said is unfair to FL510. You on the other hand clearly have an agenda of taking the side of the OW/cheating wife and have very early on and with no reason accused the OP of being "predatory." If anyone has been "unfair" it was yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

You're entitled to your opinion and so is everyone else of course.

 

 

 

 

I gave that advice because I do think it is the best/right thing for FL510--not for his wife, his OW, or....you.

 

Are you seriously advising OP that he should disclose his affair when it's obvious this might cause his wife to divorce him? Where do you of all people get the nerve to tell him to do something so self-destructive? Having already revealed your strong bias against him???

 

 

 

 

 

She did many many "bad things" not simply "a" bad thing--(obviously though his wife must have been the repeated victim of the many predatory males she had her multiple affairs with, right?)--and there's no way of really knowing whether she's stayed on the straight and narrow. And even if she has that doesn't mean it would be a good idea for OP to foolishly disclose his affair to her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess again Sweetie. OP doesn't have to justify his conduct to anyone but himself. Least of all YOU, who's previously called him a "predator."

 

 

 

 

My lord some people have a lot of nerve!!! You cheated twice with the same married man over a ten year period, including when you knew he was married, and you think you have gained some magical ability to tell OTHERS what is right and what is wrong?

 

In your dreams....

 

Great post.