Why am I not healing??

[reimeivn]

i feel like we should never send an ex a letter or anything because they dont care. they really dont want to hear how bad of a person they are to hurt you the way they do. most of them just want to forget you and move on with their life. and find somebody new. i am sorry this hurts me too, but it is the truth.

[betterdeal]

I write notes in meetings at work. I rarely read them, but the act of writing helps to set them in my mind. It's a common memory aid. Writing a letter that doesn't get sent is kind of like that.

[D-Lish]

I write notes in meetings at work. I rarely read them, but the act of writing helps to set them in my mind. It's a common memory aid. Writing a letter that doesn't get sent is kind of like that.

 

I think you're right.

It helps to write it- no harm done.

The difference between "feeling crazy" and "Being crazy" comes down to our reactions.

 

If I send it- I'm creating more drama... If I keep it to myself- I'm keeping the crazy to myself.

[betterdeal]

Zigackly!

 

And by sharing your feelings here you can have them acknowledged whilst not letting it complicate your life.

[Kamille]

I also write a bunch of letters to exes after a break up. It really helps.

 

But I always get to a point where I'm fed up with them taking so much of my time. Usually, what I do then is to stop adressing the letters to them and start another document which is more like journaling. So instead of writing: " I still don't understand why you did this", it will be "I still don't understand why he did this". The advantage of switching from "you" mode to "him" mode is that it gives me some distance. It also allows me to think differently about the relationship. It's usually less about trying to understand him, his actions and the relationship and more about me and my healing process.

 

So, when you are ready, I suggest you switch from writing to him to journaling.

[D-Lish]

I also write a bunch of letters to exes after a break up. It really helps.

 

But I always get to a point where I'm fed up with them taking so much of my time. Usually, what I do then is to stop adressing the letters to them and start another document which is more like journaling. So instead of writing: " I still don't understand why you did this", it will be "I still don't understand why he did this". The advantage of switching from "you" mode to "him" mode is that it gives me some distance. It also allows me to think differently about the relationship. It's usually less about trying to understand him, his actions and the relationship and more about me and my healing process.

 

So, when you are ready, I suggest you switch from writing to him to journaling.

 

That's probably a good idea.

 

I think the thing that stops me from sending it is that he most likely just doesn't give a crap... And I don't want to have to find that out by being ignored or blown off with a polite brush off reply. That would set me back.

 

I have to make my own closure. I really wanted to suggest meeting up for breakfast some Sunday morning (we used to do that every Sunday)- and just have a friendly conversation. I guess my motivation behind that is for him to see me in my normal, happy state instead of remembering me as a needy pregnant girl.

 

I know that's stupid.

[Kamille]

I have to make my own closure. I really wanted to suggest meeting up for breakfast some Sunday morning (we used to do that every Sunday)- and just have a friendly conversation. I guess my motivation behind that is for him to see me in my normal, happy state instead of remembering me as a needy pregnant girl.

 

I know that's stupid.

 

It's far from being stupid. The problem with it is that, of course, it would mean you would set yourself up to prove something to him, all while you have nothing to prove to him. But it's actually a pretty good goal. Why not tell yourself: "Once I am feeling fully back to my happy normal state, I will invite him to breakfast?" Of course, by then, you probably won't feel like it anymore, because you won't want to spend more time remembering a really hard time in your life, and the person who failed to be there for you.

 

I hope you realize how different the situation would have been if you had been with a stronger, supportive, partner. There is no other word for it. His lack of support and inability to communicate thoughout the pregnancy and mc were selfish.

[D-Lish]

It's far from being stupid. The problem with it is that, of course, it would mean you would set yourself up to prove something to him, all while you have nothing to prove to him. But it's actually a pretty good goal. Why not tell yourself: "Once I am feeling fully back to my happy normal state, I will invite him to breakfast?" Of course, by then, you probably won't feel like it anymore, because you won't want to spend more time remembering a really hard time in your life, and the person who failed to be there for you.

 

I hope you realize how different the situation would have been if you had been with a stronger, supportive, partner. There is no other word for it. His lack of support and inability to communicate thoughout the pregnancy and mc were selfish.

 

That's a good idea- and I figure breakfast isn't threatening to either of us. Maybe someday we will be able to sit down and do that. I was able to do that with my last ex- the one that brought me to LS 6 years ago. We had a horrible break up- he said the meanest things to me, just spewed venom at me when he broke up with me. He threw back in my face every single insecurity he knew I had and told me I was a horrible person. I walked away from that break believing everything he said about me instead of recognizing that everything he accused me of was HIM in a nutshell. When we met a year and a half or so later- he apologized and owned up to projecting. It felt good to hear that "I'm sorry".

 

I accuse my ex of putting me on a pedestal initially- but there were so many things I wanted him to be that he wasn't. He was never going to be a "protector", he was never going to call me out on my BS, and I need someone like that.

 

I've given examples of how we'd be in public and someone would do something disrespectful to us, or to me- and he'd shrink into his chair while I called BS to whomever was being a jerk. I want a man that's going to turn around and say what I had to say when it's called for.

 

I do think I made him feel like less of a man when I did things like that and probably contributed to his insecurity.

 

I still miss him though- and it still hurts that he got to know who I was and decided he didn't like me. I have a hard time coming to terms with that knowledge.

[reimeivn]

ya my ex was a coward too. you dont want to be with a man like that. when you are with someone precious, or have something valuable, you definitely want to stand up for it. the same goes for love and partner.

[Zaphod B]

You may think you're pathetic for still hurting all this time, but not as pathetic as me! I met the woman of my dreams in Nov 2009. We broke up over a ridiculous misunderstanding in the beginning of 2010. I'd already fallen in love with her and it had only been just over a month. I had the most amazing Christmas break with her.

 

Then she became convinced I was trying to keep certain female friends behind her back, which I wasn't. I just couldn't get over it. Thought about her EVERY day for an entire year, lamenting over it, questioning it, beating myself up about it, hoping for a miracle and shedding tears. And I couldn't believe how ridiculous I was being, but I was still hurting and didn't seem to be healing. Even now I still think about her regularly, wishing I could go back in time and make one little change that might have made a difference.

 

Sometimes healing takes a long time. I just hope, like me, you don't have to take a year to get over it!

 

I wish I had some advice to give, but I think I'm in a similar boat to you and your post really caught my attention, because of it. Will now continue to read the thread to see what people's advice is. Maybe I can take some for myself.

 

Question: Have you talked about this with friends or family members? (just curious because I tend to be a person who keeps everything to myself, which may be why I have taken so long to heal)

[D-Lish]

ya my ex was a coward too. you dont want to be with a man like that. when you are with someone precious, or have something valuable, you definitely want to stand up for it. the same goes for love and partner.

 

I didn't mind that he wasn't confrontational- but you want to know that your man is going to stand up for you. I stood up for him- but I think that embarrassed him.

 

I told a story a few pages back about us being out having dinner and a group of teenagers started crowding out table and using our table as a place to put their glasses. I removed the glasses- picked them up and put them on the EMPTY table beside us. A young kid (19ish) came back from the bathroom and got mouthy with us, then he accused us of drinking his last sip of beer, lol. My bf shrunk- and I was just assertive with the kids, told them they were being rude and it wasn't appropriate to be using our table as their dumping ground for all their drinks and empties while we were clearly on a date eating dinner. The guy turned to my bf and said "your gf's a b*tch eh?" and he didn't say anything. I had to intervene and tell the kid I was just calling it like it was and to go enjoy his night at the open table beside us.

 

I am sure he hated that about me, I am sure that made him feel awful. But I am never going to be the girl that is going to be quiet when someone is being incredibly disrespectful.

The more I talk it out, the more I realize how incompatible we were....

 

But it's helping to talk.

Edited August 2, 2011 by D-Lish

[D-Lish]

You may think you're pathetic for still hurting all this time, but not as pathetic as me! I met the woman of my dreams in Nov 2009. We broke up over a ridiculous misunderstanding in the beginning of 2010. I'd already fallen in love with her and it had only been just over a month. I had the most amazing Christmas break with her.

 

Then she became convinced I was trying to keep certain female friends behind her back, which I wasn't. I just couldn't get over it. Thought about her EVERY day for an entire year, lamenting over it, questioning it, beating myself up about it, hoping for a miracle and shedding tears. And I couldn't believe how ridiculous I was being, but I was still hurting and didn't seem to be healing. Even now I still think about her regularly, wishing I could go back in time and make one little change that might have made a difference.

 

Sometimes healing takes a long time. I just hope, like me, you don't have to take a year to get over it!

 

I wish I had some advice to give, but I think I'm in a similar boat to you and your post really caught my attention, because of it. Will now continue to read the thread to see what people's advice is. Maybe I can take some for myself.

 

Question: Have you talked about this with friends or family members? (just curious because I tend to be a person who keeps everything to myself, which may be why I have taken so long to heal)

 

I don't talk to anyone about it much. My friends like to see me as the strong one- so I save my vulnerabilities for places like this:(.

 

I think short term relationships can hurt so much more than long term relationships because you're in that honeymoon stage- and the intensity is so strong during that time. I don't think you're ever more "in love" than those first 3 months from an intensity standpoint.

 

I have cried more over this break up than the demise of my marriage, and this relationship didn't hit 6 months- I was with my exH for almost 9 years.

[Zaphod B]

I don't talk to anyone about it much. My friends like to see me as the strong one- so I save my vulnerabilities for places like this:(.

 

Oh my God, yes! It was the same for me. For some reason people saw me as someone they could talk to and would always get sympathy and help.

 

I've been thinking about this whole "talking to people" thing over the last couple of days and how I never do it. I think that may be a big step in overcoming the pain. It occurred to me because on Sat night I really blew my chances with this really amazing woman (who was probably even more amazing than the one I was with for that month) and I was beating myself up over it as I always do when I screw up. The guy who introduced us is an old friend and over the last year we have become closer and we talk about a lot of relationship stuff. We have lived a similar life. We both had long marriages that disolved and we were both brought up in Christian homes and lost our faith about five years ago. We are both single and looking for that someone special. I talked to him about Saturday and how I was beating myself up. Just talking to him about it and having him give his opinion made me feel a lot better about it. It was kind of a revelation to me, because I just don't open up to people like that. Maybe if I'd opened up about my pain with this dream woman, I might have got over it a lot sooner.

 

I guess my pride is a big problem with stuff like this. I find it difficult to reveal my weaknesses and frailties to others, but I think I need to swallow my pride and do it more often.

 

I think based on what you're saying we both need a good friend whose shoulder we can cry on. Someone we can open up to and share our grief with.

 

 

I have cried more over this break up than the demise of my marriage, and this relationship didn't hit 6 months- I was with my exH for almost 9 years.

 

Wow. Same! I was married for 11 years. I never went through the same heartbreak that I did with this woman I was with for one month.

[D-Lish]

.

Wow. Same! I was married for 11 years. I never went through the same heartbreak that I did with this woman I was with for one month.

 

This woman wasn't your dream woman- she's someone you put on a pedestal because you really didn't know her all that well yet.

 

My ex would have been destroyed had I broke up with him in the first couple of months- just destroyed... Because he had this image of me in his head as being the most perfect girl he'd ever met.

 

Well, I was awesome the first few months- but as soon as the flaws came out- he was disappointed that I ruined his notion that I was his ideal woman.

 

In the first few months I'm a charming angel- all of us are on our best behaviour.

 

I think you fall in love with a notion more than the actual person initially. You meet this person you have great sexual chemistry with- and you build them up as being something you want them to be... But when you do that, you set yourself up for disappointment.

 

After one month- you know nothing about the person you are dating- believe me. I think you have to knock this girl off the pedestal you have put her own and recognize that she's not perfect, and had you stayed with her, you would have found that out.

[Zaphod B]

I know you are right.

 

It's hard because I now use her as a benchmark and tend to compare other women to her. But you are right, it's not until you've been with them for a little while that you see the negative sides of their personalities. Hers was she was a very suspicious person and everything was very black and white to her. I keep telling myself that even if we had resolved this one issue, there would have been many more such issues to deal with. But even though I try to convince myself of that, it doesn't seem to work!

[Zaphod B]

Oh by the way, I did a lot of letter writing too, but actually did send them. I don't know if she ever read them, because she never replied. She was a very cold hearted person I think. Just cut me off and wasn't prepared to discuss anything. Wouldn't listen to reason.

[D-Lish]

I know you are right.

 

It's hard because I now use her as a benchmark and tend to compare other women to her. But you are right, it's not until you've been with them for a little while that you see the negative sides of their personalities. Hers was she was a very suspicious person and everything was very black and white to her. I keep telling myself that even if we had resolved this one issue, there would have been many more such issues to deal with. But even though I try to convince myself of that, it doesn't seem to work!

 

You've basically idealized someone that doesn't deserve it and have let it take over. Trust me, this girl you think is perfect, isn't, at all. You would have found that out had you stayed together a few more months.

 

Oh by the way, I did a lot of letter writing too, but actually did send them. I don't know if she ever read them, because she never replied. She was a very cold hearted person I think. Just cut me off and wasn't prepared to discuss anything. Wouldn't listen to reason.

 

Cold hearted person- you knew her a month and you came up with that... You're better off not having her in your life.

 

I've met so many men in my earlier years that I fell in love with initially, and hated them once I got to know them past 3 months...

[D-Lish]

You've basically idealized someone that doesn't deserve it and have let it take over. Trust me, this girl you think is perfect, isn't, at all. You would have found that out had you stayed together a few more months.

 

Does that make sense?

 

 

 

Cold hearted person- you knew her a month and you came up with that... You're better off not having her in your life.

 

I've met so many men in my earlier years that I fell in love with initially, and hated them once I got to know them past 3 months...

 

Do u find the same results?

[Zaphod B]

Does that make sense?

 

Sure does. You're the first person that's said I simply put her up on a pedistal. To me it felt like the cheerleader taking notice of the nerd (not that I'm a nerd, lol), but I think you can get the comparison and just how blown away I was that this incredibly hot beautiful woman wanted me.

 

 

Cold hearted person- you knew her a month and you came up with that... You're better off not having her in your life.

 

I've met so many men in my earlier years that I fell in love with initially, and hated them once I got to know them past 3 months...

 

I have only been in love twice before that. The first one I married and stayed with for 11 years. The second I stayed with for 5. I have had no other relationships apart from this short one I mentioned. But I believe you are so right. It isn't until later that you start to see their true personality and start to find the things you don't like about them. In fact the second woman I should have got away from very early on as she had a terrible anger problem, which I think did come out after a month or two. But with my religious background I was always taught to forgive and to stay together no matter what. It's well meaning advice, but not necessarily always sensible.

Edited August 2, 2011 by Zaphod B

[Zaphod B]

Oh hey, D, I'd love your opinion on this if you have one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3544402#post3544402

 

It's to do with the "dream woman" I've been telling you about.

[D-Lish]

Sure does. You're the first person that's said I simply put her up on a pedistal. To me it felt like the cheerleader taking notice of the nerd (not that I'm a nerd, lol), but I think you can get the comparison and just how blown away I was that this incredibly hot beautiful woman wanted me.

 

I have only been in love twice before that. The first one I married and stayed with for 11 years. The second I stayed with for 5. I have had no other relationships apart from this short one I mentioned. But I believe you are so right. It isn't until later that you start to see their true personality and start to find the things you don't like about them. In fact the second woman I should have got away from very early on as she had a terrible anger problem, which I think did come out after a month or two. But with my religious background I was always taught to forgive and to stay together no matter what. It's well meaning advice, but not necessarily always sensible.

 

It really does take a while to figure out who somebody is. You're still in love with a perception, not the real person.

 

What is really preventing me from moving on is that he rejected me once he got to know me. We were so happy before the pregnancy and MC- Those first few months were one of the best periods of my life. I miss how happy I was.

 

It was so agonizing to see him go from the person I believed him to be to the man that distanced himself from me in my time of need and broke up with me while I was still reeling from the MC. He really, really must have been in a hurry to get the hell away from me to do that so soon following the MC.

 

It doesn't matter that I know he has huge intimacy issues, I only feel the personal rejection- even after 4 months. I feel bad about it every day still.

 

You guys are going to think I'm ridiculous, but I still have fantasies that I'm going to pull into my parking lot one day and he's going to be there waiting for me with an apology and a lengthy explanation of how he wants to overcome his issues...blah, blah, blah.

 

It's stupid because he's not the type of guy that would ever fight for ANYTHING. Even if he ever had thoughts of talking to me, he'd never do it.

 

I just want to get over this:o

[D-Lish]

It also doesn't help that my depression and anxiety is really intense this past week or so. I'm almost at 3 weeks on my meds and I don't feel any better- worse if anything. I'm always on the verge of tears and my anxiety is worse than it was before I started the meds. The only difference is that I m finally sleeping, the meds have helped me with that.

 

I've been off for 3 days- but have spent most of my time off in my pjs moping around teary-eyed. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, I am hating my job lately- I feel like I am at the end of my rope today. I have no motivation to do anything.

 

I hate that I have given this break up so much power over me. I hate that I have given this man that isn't capable of commitment so much power over me.

 

It's pathetic that in the past 10 years or so- those first 3 months with him brought me to life. Everything was brighter, the world was a wonderful place, Christmas was awesome. It had been literally years since I had that kind of happiness in my life. I just want that back and I'm afraid that it's going to take another 10 years to meet someone that is going to inspire me in the same way.

 

I've never felt so lonely in my life- even though I have people around me. All this because of a stupid guy that really let me down when I needed him. I don't know how to stop giving him so much of my power.

[Zaphod B]

It really does take a while to figure out who somebody is. You're still in love with a perception, not the real person.

 

What is really preventing me from moving on is that he rejected me once he got to know me. We were so happy before the pregnancy and MC- Those first few months were one of the best periods of my life. I miss how happy I was.

 

Yeah, I can remember being happier than I've ever been. I used to go to bed at night with a smile on my face.

 

 

It was so agonizing to see him go from the person I believed him to be to the man that distanced himself from me in my time of need and broke up with me while I was still reeling from the MC. He really, really must have been in a hurry to get the hell away from me to do that so soon following the MC.

 

What a cold hearted person. We both seem to have come across them. At least I didn't have something that huge to deal with, although I did have something. While we were together my house was burgled. I took it in my stride, because nothing could get me down because I was just so happy with Tina. Then we broke up. My son had borrowed a video game from her son, which I discovered had gone missing in the burglary. Her son had long since had enough of the game, but when I asked her will she accept a second hand replacement or does she want a brand new copy, she replied immediately "Brand new". That seemed really callous to me at the time. Yet I still put her up on that pedistal.

 

 

It doesn't matter that I know he has huge intimacy issues, I only feel the personal rejection- even after 4 months. I feel bad about it every day still.

 

I try to feel anger at Tina, but often it just brings me feelings of regret and sadness. I know I've gotta get to the anger faze to help me let go.

 

You guys are going to think I'm ridiculous, but I still have fantasies that I'm going to pull into my parking lot one day and he's going to be there waiting for me with an apology and a lengthy explanation of how he wants to overcome his issues...blah, blah, blah.

 

Definitely not ridiculous. It's the same for me when it comes to Tina! And that's after a year and a half!

 

It's stupid because he's not the type of guy that would ever fight for ANYTHING. Even if he ever had thoughts of talking to me, he'd never do it.

 

 

Same with Tina. She always told me early on "I never go back". I think even if she realised she was wrong, she'd stand by that rule, because that was the sort of person she was. (ooh, there's another thing I can add to my list of negatives. Adding it now. Stubborn... Not willing to compromise)

[D-Lish]

Yeah, I can remember being happier than I've ever been. I used to go to bed at night with a smile on my face.

 

What a cold hearted person. We both seem to have come across them. At least I didn't have something that huge to deal with, although I did have something. While we were together my house was burgled. I took it in my stride, because nothing could get me down because I was just so happy with Tina. Then we broke up. My son had borrowed a video game from her son, which I discovered had gone missing in the burglary. Her son had long since had enough of the game, but when I asked her will she accept a second hand replacement or does she want a brand new copy, she replied immediately "Brand new". That seemed really callous to me at the time. Yet I still put her up on that pedistal.

 

I try to feel anger at Tina, but often it just brings me feelings of regret and sadness. I know I've gotta get to the anger faze to help me let go.

 

Definitely not ridiculous. It's the same for me when it comes to Tina! And that's after a year and a half!

 

Same with Tina. She always told me early on "I never go back". I think even if she realised she was wrong, she'd stand by that rule, because that was the sort of person she was. (ooh, there's another thing I can add to my list of negatives. Adding it now. Stubborn... Not willing to compromise)

 

It's probably going to take you finding someone new to get over this, and I'm betting that as soon as you meet someone that you like, your ex will leave your head pretty fast.

 

When I met my ex, he said he never wanted to get married or have kids. I was fine with that because I'd already been married and was getting older, so the kid thing didn't bother me. I should have realized that he was basically telling me that he never wanted to commit.

 

Basically you and I are both pining over something that would have never worked. Sometimes you can do all the right things and still get bad results.

 

I guess I am just as caught up in the disappointment as I am in the rejection. When you meet someone and think they are wonderful, and it turns out they aren't anything like you thought them to be- it's a huge disappointment.

 

I really thought I'd met a good one. I should be mad as hell that he left when he did- but I think he started the process of "leaving me" the moment he found out I was pregnant. I imagine it would have been a huge shock to a commitment phobe to suddenly realize you might be tied to someone for the rest of your life.

[Zaphod B]

It's probably going to take you finding someone new to get over this, and I'm betting that as soon as you meet someone that you like, your ex will leave your head pretty fast.

 

I think the same thing, but it would be nice to deal with it now if I could. I went overseas and met a woman there and she sent Tina sprawling from that pedistal. I'm still in contact with her and hopefully we will get to see each other again, but there are no guarantees there., which is why Tina has somehow climbed her way back up there again. Need to keep searching in the meantime I think.

 

When I met my ex, he said he never wanted to get married or have kids. I was fine with that because I'd already been married and was getting older, so the kid thing didn't bother me. I should have realized that he was basically telling me that he never wanted to commit.

 

You maybe right, although I know for me, having been there done that, I'm not really wanting to get married again, mainly due to the cost of it! To me if I'm in a relationship, then for all intents and purposes I consider myself married, even though it's not official. But if the woman I'm with wants it, then yeah, I'll get married again, because if it's important to her then it's important to me and I'd want to show her my committment in the way she needs.

 

Basically you and I are both pining over something that would have never worked. Sometimes you can do all the right things and still get bad results.

 

For sure.

 

I guess I am just as caught up in the disappointment as I am in the rejection. When you meet someone and think they are wonderful, and it turns out they aren't anything like you thought them to be- it's a huge disappointment.

 

I really thought I'd met a good one. I should be mad as hell that he left when he did- but I think he started the process of "leaving me" the moment he found out I was pregnant. I imagine it would have been a huge shock to a commitment phobe to suddenly realize you might be tied to someone for the rest of your life.

 

Yeah, he does sound like a commitmentphobe. Maybe he'll regret it one day when he's old and lonely and has nobody.