Why am I not healing??

[Sugarkane]

D Lish I find it odd that your ex didn't even stand up for you. Sounds like a big red flag, I know as my ex never stood up for me either. Something to watch out for in the future.

I think your ex was a jerk. What sort of person dumps their SO after a miscarriage? Especially as he wanted things to move fast.

[2sunny]

is:

it wasn't you DL - it was him. he had no balls.

 

but he didn't. he was weak.

 

betterdeal -

 

if you're going to rag on me - at least get my words correct!!!!

Edited July 24, 2011 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Women have feelings, pasts, hormones and nuances all swirling around to create a fully formed human being whereas a man who doesn't please your sensibilities is obviously physically deformed; subhuman.

 

i said he was weak IMHO. stop putting words in my mouth. i never said deformed or subhuman, sheez, where did that come from?

 

It's amazing how the solution for almost all problems men face is to apparently grow an extra set of testicles.

 

i said he should grow SOME balls - not an extra set. looks like he has none.

 

i said this:

it wasn't you DL - it was him. he had no balls.

 

but he didn't. he was weak.

 

betterdeal -

 

if you're going to rag on me - at least get my words correct!!!!

 

 

and a kid calling her a b*tch and him not saying anything to defend her is just - so - weak!!!!

Edited July 24, 2011 by 2sunny

[westernxer]

He thought that made me combative- I felt standing my ground so I could finish my meal uninterrupted was totally appropriate given the circumstance.

 

Your display of territoriality was appropriate, given the circumstances. Damn, I'd have bought you another beer and dessert to boot, just to see them squirm.

[torn_curtain]

The more you write about him the more convinced I am that he was weak. I'm not surprised he was able to get past your emotional defenses because guys like him can make you feel incredibly comforted at first. Because they're so laid back and good at pleasing people -- when the demands placed on them are minor -- there's a feeling of safety and acceptance in their presence...AT FIRST. Unfortunately, if you stick around long enough you will start to see the weakness of character that usually goes along with the friendly package. You are still in love with the fantasy of what you THOUGHT he was, the easy-going, warm and unassertive facade that allowed him to thrive in superficial relationships and friendships with others but crippled him whenever conflict came up. You fell in love with him because you thought he was accepting and loyal, but he proved to be just the opposite: hypercritical and unreliable. Once you accept this deep down, you will begin to let go.

 

You need someone who is strong AND nurturing. And you can find it if you don't let this dud make you retreat back into your shell.

Edited July 24, 2011 by torn_curtain

[torn_curtain]

It's amazing how the solution for almost all problems men face is to apparently grow an extra set of testicles.

 

Women have feelings, pasts, hormones and nuances all swirling around to create a fully formed human being whereas a man who doesn't please your sensibilities is obviously physically deformed; subhuman.

 

Jeez. It seems to me you're projecting your own problems and insecurities into your advice. I get the sense you are unassertive in real life and this is the reason you were offended by the remarks made about DLish's ex. Maybe you should work on being more assertive in real life so you're not taking your bitterness out on the internet.

Edited July 24, 2011 by torn_curtain

[D-Lish]

I'm going to write more tomorrow when I'm back on the wagon. I got drunk tonight- the first time since February 2010?

 

I saw it coming. I've been able to socially drink without getting hammered for quite a few months- I'll have one or two pints and then stop. Tonight I just went all out and I got myself hammered- intentionally.

 

I am pretty ashamed, as I have been so good.

 

When "C" and I broke up the first thing I did was buy a case of beer- but didn't drink it. Tonight I just went full throttle and drank my pain away. That beer has been sitting in my front closet for 4 months, tonight I had some friends over and....

 

Guess what? The pain doesn't go away:o Now I just feel like an idiot for getting loaded over a guy that doesn't deserve me.

[2sunny]

a drink never solves anything DL - i can tell you first hand - it's the worst choice for me.

 

my anxiety and depression have been non existent since just a few months after i had my last drink... that was 3-1/2 years ago.

 

i hope i never have a reason to consider that my solution.

 

handing him that much power isn't worth it - he wasn't a good match for you.

[D-Lish]

a drink never solves anything DL - i can tell you first hand - it's the worst choice for me.

 

my anxiety and depression have been non existent since just a few months after i had my last drink... that was 3-1/2 years ago.

 

i hope i never have a reason to consider that my solution.

 

handing him that much power isn't worth it - he wasn't a good match for you.

 

I developed a dependance on alcohol after my business started failing 4 years ago- I was in my early 30's and never drank much at all....Until I hit a crisis and found myself being unable to sleep- so I drank to sleep....

 

My anxiety was huge- so I drank to minimize the impact - and it just got out of control.

 

I actually had treatment for it- and recovered.

 

I regressed tonight.

You're right- why would I give this person any energy, he doesn't deserve it.

 

Art is going to be so disappointed with me.

[torn_curtain]

Don't beat yourself up too much. Just move forward and whenever a thought of your ex pops up, try to remind yourself that the first few months were based on a mistaken impression you had of him before he showed his true colors.

[torn_curtain]

I think you're also having trouble healing over this because you said this was the first guy you'd let yourself fully trust in a long time. That to me suggests you have a fear of abandonment and he basically played out your worst fears, so OF COURSE you're healing slowly.

 

You may be regressing some now, but you can still save the progress you made when you let yourself trust again by nipping this downward spiral int he bud. Focus on the positive, that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable for the first time in awhile. And take it as a learning experience to avoid men who are unassertive people pleasers in the future.

[D-Lish]

Don't beat yourself up too much. Just move forward and whenever a thought of your ex pops up, try to remind yourself that the first few months were based on a mistaken impression you had of him before he showed his true colors.

 

I know he's not what I initially envisioned him to be...

I also know I am being stupid holding on to that...

[betterdeal]

Jeez. It seems to me you're projecting your own problems and insecurities into your advice. I get the sense you are unassertive in real life and this is the reason you were offended by the remarks made about DLish's ex. Maybe you should work on being more assertive in real life so you're not taking your bitterness out on the internet.

 

You do realise I was asserting myself in that post you quoted, right?

 

For the hard of thinking, let me put it into Emmanuel's format: when someone uses the phrase "grow a pair" or claims that someone "has no balls", I feel offended and that issues are being dismissed, and I'd like you to stop using such lazy, trite, sexist terms.

 

There. Happy now?

Edited July 24, 2011 by betterdeal

[Art_Critic]

I regressed tonight.

You're right- why would I give this person any energy, he doesn't deserve it.

 

Art is going to be so disappointed with me.

 

Disappointed.. no way D-lish..

We are all only human and occasionally fail to meet our own expectations..

Don't worry, it's never to late to quit getting drunk again.

 

I have always call what you experienced BUD.. Building up to drink.

The key in the future is when you sense it to use the tools you have to not go get drunk.

 

The guy was a smuck.. We all see it but you don't see it the way we do because you lived it and you got to experience those first 3 months, but you will one day.

 

**Hugz**

[carhill]

Hey D, getting hammered is what it is. It's done. Think of it as a process. That step didn't help but it did provide you with good information. Now move on to something else. If life was perfect every step would be forward but life is anything but perfect.

 

If you still have a sponsor, give him/her a call.

 

Enjoy your Sunday with the dogs

[D-Lish]

Disappointed.. no way D-lish..

We are all only human and occasionally fail to meet our own expectations..

Don't worry, it's never to late to quit getting drunk again.

 

I have always call what you experienced BUD.. Building up to drink.

The key in the future is when you sense it to use the tools you have to not go get drunk.

 

The guy was a smuck.. We all see it but you don't see it the way we do because you lived it and you got to experience those first 3 months, but you will one day.

 

**Hugz**

 

You're exactly right- it was building. I've been able to have the occasional pint or two with my friends and just stop at that. I paid for it today:sick:

What I am ashamed of is that I kept drinking by myself after everyone left- which is what I promised myself I'd never do again.

 

It's not going to help me heal, that's for sure.

 

Thank you for understanding:love:

[D-Lish]

I think you're also having trouble healing over this because you said this was the first guy you'd let yourself fully trust in a long time. That to me suggests you have a fear of abandonment and he basically played out your worst fears, so OF COURSE you're healing slowly.

 

You may be regressing some now, but you can still save the progress you made when you let yourself trust again by nipping this downward spiral int he bud. Focus on the positive, that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable for the first time in awhile. And take it as a learning experience to avoid men who are unassertive people pleasers in the future.

 

You're right about the abandonment thing- it's a difficult issue to overcome.

 

It's hard coming to terms with the fact that someone I cared about really got to know me and decided he wanted to leave me.

[D-Lish]

Hey D, getting hammered is what it is. It's done. Think of it as a process. That step didn't help but it did provide you with good information. Now move on to something else. If life was perfect every step would be forward but life is anything but perfect.

 

If you still have a sponsor, give him/her a call.

 

Enjoy your Sunday with the dogs

 

I won't fall back into the habit of drinking away my worries.

 

I also just started back on AD's and anti-anxiety meds- so I don't want to screw with that cocktail. I started on wellbutrin, and initiallly it's made my anxiety a lot worse. I used to turn to the alcohol to calm my anxiety- and because my anxiety has been soooo high since the break up and MC, I saw last night coming, I'd been fighting it for a while.

 

Also, my friends don't know I had a drinking issue- so they were on the "relax, have another!!" push. I now need to tell them about my problem with binge drinking so in the future, they can support me. It's my own fault though.

[Star Gazer]

I don't have any answers, D... Just a hug. ((HUG))

[D-Lish]

I don't have any answers, D... Just a hug. ((HUG))

 

Thanks,

 

I think I got it out of my system.

[Wesker]

Thanks,

 

I think I got it out of my system.

 

Just read this whole thread, I must say I feel for ya. I would love nothing but to have my ex-gf call me up and say let's get back together. I know that won't happen anytime soon though. It's that damn glimmer of hope that makes letting go so hard. Being together for almost 8 years, I can't imagine now long it'll take for me to fully heal. Stay strong, and keep telling yourself that they were the ones that quit, not you.

[betterdeal]

Thanks,

 

I think I got it out of my system.

 

Feels good?

 

There's nothing as overrated as a bad f*ck and nothing as underrated as a good sh*t. Dump your emotional load.

[amethyste]

Just read this whole thread, I must say I feel for ya.

 

Same here, though I'd like to add something: you're not 41! You're like...24!

[D-Lish]

Feels good?

 

There's nothing as overrated as a bad f*ck and nothing as underrated as a good sh*t. Dump your emotional load.

 

The alcohol abuse I meant.

I'm doing my best to try and put this behind me, I think I just have to accept that it takes time- and I just have to keep pushing though this until I get through to the other side.

 

Same here, though I'd like to add something: you're not 41! You're like...24!

 

I wish I was 24:laugh:

[pandagirl]

D, this breakup basically exposed all of your biggest fears. While that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less, I think you should take some comfort in the fact that the way you are feeling has less to do with him, and how you are able to cope with your pain.

 

I think I am a lot like you. We both are strong women, but also, deep down, lack real self-confidence and self-worth in some areas (see: our love lives). I sometimes look at my girlfriends who have gone through HORRIBLE breakups, and wonder how they are able to pick up and move on much more quickly than I can. I think it comes down to believing that you are worth so much more than what a man thinks of you.

 

It's coming up on a year of my breakup... a YEAR! And to be honest, I am still hurt over it. I haven't quite completely moved on, but I have made the distinction that it isn't *him* I am pining over, I'm stuck on how horrible he made me feel at the end of our relationship. How I felt discarded and abandoned. I can't get over how painful it was. How he said he wanted to be with me forever, and then basically disappear and jumped straight into another relationship (who he is still with).

 

So, I don't have the answers, but I can say to focus on the positive. Whenever I feel pain or unlovable or damaged or any of those silly thoughts, I think about the people in my life that DO love me and treat me with respect and kindness. I guess it's part of my competitive and stubborn nature, but I refuse to let ONE person get me down (even if he does sometimes).

 

You're awesome. Believe it!