Why am I not healing??

[D-Lish]

Yes he was- in the truest sense. I've met a couple of guys in my life that had issues with commitment, but never as severe as this.

 

He told me when he broke up with me to stop blaming myself- because "he's never been in love, and doesn't even know what love is". With some people you might think that is BS- but I believed him.

[D-Lish]

Oh by the way, I did a lot of letter writing too, but actually did send them. I don't know if she ever read them, because she never replied. She was a very cold hearted person I think. Just cut me off and wasn't prepared to discuss anything. Wouldn't listen to reason.

 

Well I had a very weak moment this morning and sent the letter/draft I've been working on for months. I saw it coming- I knew I was going to send it.

 

I'll get no response- I sent it knowing that.

 

I'm kinda kicking myself, but I've had so much to say that I just never got to say to this guy.

 

I got pregnant by accident- was really leaning towards having the child when he was against it. I lost it- then he bolted pretty quickly afterward- he left when I needed him the most.

 

Obviously he's a a-hole. I don't know why I didn't see that initially. We just spent the first few months having so much fun- I felt we were so compatible in our humour, things we liked to do, etc. But as soon as the going got a little tough, he was halfway out the backdoor.

[Art_Critic]

Hey D-lish.. Now that you sent the letter and got it off your chest now you need to roll the rock forward some each day.

 

Think of your future from now on and leave the past in the past as much as you can... roll the rock forward

You are a wonderful, loving and kind hearted person who is beautiful on the inside and outside and you will feel better about things...

 

**Hugz**

[D-Lish]

Hey D-lish.. Now that you sent the letter and got it off your chest now you need to roll the rock forward some each day.

 

Think of your future from now on and leave the past in the past as much as you can... roll the rock forward

You are a wonderful, loving and kind hearted person who is beautiful on the inside and outside and you will feel better about things...

 

**Hugz**

 

I don't know why everytime you tell me something I cry- but I do.

 

I think it's the depression that is preventing me from moving that rock forward. People that don't understand depression, don't get it- it's debilitating at times.

 

I know AD's aren't going to help me to stop loving my ex- but I sincerely hope it can assist with the ruminating issue.

 

I really hate being 41 and alone. I find myself addicted to those 3 months of bliss when I haven't experienced that in YEARS. I'm not dumb, so I am not looking to jump into anything with the wrong person, but I feel like the odds of feeling that way again are very slim. And I want to feel that way again.

 

I'm only 3 weeks into my AD's - so hopefully I will be dealing with things with a much straighter thought process in another couple of weeks.

[patagonia]

D-lish anybody that has gone through trama like you have, wether it is a break-up, losing a baby, having a baby, rape, a divorce...have experienced depression...

 

I have experienced tons of depression and it just isn't worth it. It isn't holding him back or anyone else back...hun it's holding you back. You are 41!! I know you don't feel like it but you are in your prime. You are a great age for all sorts of things! Dating, marriage, great jobs, friendships, changing others lives...you've got it all inside of you. And yes you will feel like this again! But you can't be stuck on how you felt Depression sucks but you are stronger than that depression. You wake up tomorrow and tell yourself, this is going to be a great day. I'm not going to let what he did to me, affect me! Don't let what he did to you hold back the great parts of you. It's a tough road but I know you can do it with time...and it starts now Depression does what it's supposed to do. It 'depresses' us into feeling inhumane. It suppresses the thoughts that we are good, that we are worth anything, that we can move on. We get to the point of walking dead. We don't know ourselves, we can't control ourselves. We feel like we could crawl in a hole and die. I've been there.

 

But I know you can do it. Keep it up...and don't send him anymore letters, emails or texts You can do it!

[D-Lish]

D-lish anybody that has gone through trama like you have, wether it is a break-up, losing a baby, having a baby, rape, a divorce...have experienced depression...

 

I have experienced tons of depression and it just isn't worth it. It isn't holding him back or anyone else back...hun it's holding you back. You are 41!! I know you don't feel like it but you are in your prime. You are a great age for all sorts of things! Dating, marriage, great jobs, friendships, changing others lives...you've got it all inside of you. And yes you will feel like this again! But you can't be stuck on how you felt Depression sucks but you are stronger than that depression. You wake up tomorrow and tell yourself, this is going to be a great day. I'm not going to let what he did to me, affect me! Don't let what he did to you hold back the great parts of you. It's a tough road but I know you can do it with time...and it starts now Depression does what it's supposed to do. It 'depresses' us into feeling inhumane. It suppresses the thoughts that we are good, that we are worth anything, that we can move on. We get to the point of walking dead. We don't know ourselves, we can't control ourselves. We feel like we could crawl in a hole and die. I've been there.

 

But I know you can do it. Keep it up...and don't send him anymore letters, emails or texts You can do it!

 

It's frustrating to be intelligent, insightful, and logical- yet have the weight of depression on your back.

 

It's like being a great guitar player and breaking your hand.

[patagonia]

nice profile pic, but u need to smile

 

lol I know isn't it frustrating! But guess what, You know you are intelligent, insightful and logical. At least you know those things! You will shake the depression. You will you will you will! Been there, done that. So I can say it

[Zaphod B]

I really hate being 41 and alone. I find myself addicted to those 3 months of bliss when I haven't experienced that in YEARS. I'm not dumb, so I am not looking to jump into anything with the wrong person, but I feel like the odds of feeling that way again are very slim. And I want to feel that way again.

 

You WILL find it again. I've found it with two women in my life, so know if it can happen twice it can happen a third time... and a forth and a fifth, if necessary. It's what keeps me on that search looking for that special someone. You seem to have so much going for you, so it's surely inevitable.

[D-Lish]

nice profile pic, but u need to smile

 

lol I know isn't it frustrating! But guess what, You know you are intelligent, insightful and logical. At least you know those things! You will shake the depression. You will you will you will! Been there, done that. So I can say it

 

I'll smile when I fall in love again:rolleyes: Promise.

[D-Lish]

You WILL find it again. I've found it with two women in my life, so know if it can happen twice it can happen a third time... and a forth and a fifth, if necessary. It's what keeps me on that search looking for that special someone. You seem to have so much going for you, so it's surely inevitable.

 

Is it though?

 

I'm 41, I've loved 3 men in my life. I've had connections with others- and confused some connections for love- but when I look back on my life- I've loved 3 men.

[patagonia]

you've lived for 40 yrs...assuming none of those were in the first 10 yrs of your life You've got 40+ years left to find 1 more!

[patagonia]

I'll smile when I fall in love again:rolleyes: Promise.

 

You gotta be happy with or without someone else D. It's never too late to smile..you've heard it before...smiling releases endorphins!

[D-Lish]

You gotta be happy with or without someone else D. It's never too late to smile..you've heard it before...smiling releases endorphins!

 

Okay- I am smiling in my picture now.

[patagonia]

Okay- I am smiling in my picture now.

 

LOL much better!

[D-Lish]

The pic isn't recent, I'd say it was taken 2 years ago when I was happy.

I'm really not happy right now.

 

I'm fighting this depression that is just taking over my life in a very profound kind of way.

 

I want to change everything- but the hopelessness has set in.

 

I've spent the past 3 days off in a bath robe and pj's. Yes I bathed- but hygiene will probably always be more important to me than my mental health. I barely got out. My friend harrassed me to go out for a few hours, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time.

 

I'm not doing so well.

[patagonia]

The pic isn't recent, I'd say it was taken 2 years ago when I was happy.

I'm really not happy right now.

 

I'm fighting this depression that is just taking over my life in a very profound kind of way.

 

I want to change everything- but the hopelessness has set in.

 

I've spent the past 3 days off in a bath robe and pj's. Yes I bathed- but hygiene will probably always be more important to me than my mental health. I barely got out. My friend harrassed me to go out for a few hours, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time.

 

I'm not doing so well.

 

But without proper mental health, your physical hygiene will go to the way side...mental health is very important.

[D-Lish]

But without proper mental health, your physical hygiene will go to the way side...mental health is very important.

 

Never. lol. I have OCD. I shower/bathe 3 times a day.

I'm a messed up girl, but I'll never smell bad- ever...

[patagonia]

Never. lol. I have OCD. I shower/bathe 3 times a day.

I'm a messed up girl, but I'll never smell bad- ever...

 

Ok you win!

[carhill]

D, tough out those meds kicking in. Dollars to donuts it's your brain adjusting to the meds. Yeah, it'll feel like crap for awhile but, if you've been rx'd properly, the payoff will be worth it. It'll work out.

 

And you're clean!

[D-Lish]

Ok you win!

 

It's funny how I had to jump on the whole "I don't smell, I swear!!!":lmao:

[D-Lish]

D, tough out those meds kicking in. Dollars to donuts it's your brain adjusting to the meds. Yeah, it'll feel like crap for awhile but, if you've been rx'd properly, the payoff will be worth it. It'll work out.

 

And you're clean!

 

They say a month to 6 weeks, I can't remember if I got worse before I got better the last time I took them, I remember being more anxious though.

[carhill]

Also, probably hard but, if not already done, cut out caffeine, alcohol, nicotine and processed sugars. It's nice to get a clean baseline for brain meds. If you're on hormonal BC and don't anticipate sexual activity short term, look at that as well. The more neutral, the better.

 

I've only had experience with psychotropics and anti-psychotics but the cocktails we used definitely took one to two months to truly stabilize. Of course, the difference between your situation and someone who thinks aliens are taking over their body is like another world.

 

Lastly, at your age, it's not to early too think about dietary supplements. I've found a cocktail of vitamins has helped balance energy levels and mood, perhaps because my body isn't absorbing enough naturally from my diet. Unclear what relevance that has to your situation but I thought it worth mention.

 

Oh, and don't discount the effects of not getting laid, for lack of a better term, if that is a feature right now. Celibacy can be a mutha if one has a normal libido. If you find yourself going through 'bitchy' periods unrelated to normal life situations or your menstrual cycle, that might be one factor in it.

 

Just keep trying different things. One's bound to stick.

[D-Lish]

Also, probably hard but, if not already done, cut out caffeine, alcohol, nicotine and processed sugars. It's nice to get a clean baseline for brain meds. If you're on hormonal BC and don't anticipate sexual activity short term, look at that as well. The more neutral, the better.

 

I've only had experience with psychotropics and anti-psychotics but the cocktails we used definitely took one to two months to truly stabilize. Of course, the difference between your situation and someone who thinks aliens are taking over their body is like another world.

 

Lastly, at your age, it's not to early too think about dietary supplements. I've found a cocktail of vitamins has helped balance energy levels and mood, perhaps because my body isn't absorbing enough naturally from my diet. Unclear what relevance that has to your situation but I thought it worth mention.

 

Oh, and don't discount the effects of not getting laid, for lack of a better term, if that is a feature right now. Celibacy can be a mutha if one has a normal libido. If you find yourself going through 'bitchy' periods unrelated to normal life situations or your menstrual cycle, that might be one factor in it.

 

Just keep trying different things. One's bound to stick.

 

I love coffee:( but I also like to masturbate, so I will keep on that one:cool:

 

Oddly enough the wellbutrin has also had the lovely side effect of smoking cessation, so I've cut back to maybe 2-3 a day as compared to half a pack- I could see myself quitting for sure!

[patagonia]

I love coffee:( but I also like to masturbate, so I will keep on that one:cool:

 

Oddly enough the wellbutrin has also had the lovely side effect of smoking cessation, so I've cut back to maybe 2-3 a day as compared to half a pack- I could see myself quitting for sure!

 

that is hilarious d!

[carhill]

Having been married for a decade after a few decades of being single (and often celibate), IMO, at least for this man, there's a large difference psychologically between solo masturbation and 'making love' with one's spouse or partner. Sure, masturbation is sexual release but IME there's something deeper which isn't satisfied by the act and definitely was while married. I would opine there was even a marked difference between LTR sex and married sex. 'Abnormal'? Well, maybe so. My exW thought so. Anyway, I've noted it since D'ing so figured adding it to the list. I can also share that orgasms were a lot tougher to achieve when I was taking Seroquel to knock down anxiety and insomnia. Watch out for that nuance with Wellbutrin.

 

Wellbutrin is rx'd as a smoking cessation med, so that doesn't surprise me. Be mindful of the warning from NIH on this med and monitor as appropriate.