Why am I not healing??

[D-Lish]

I'm in love with the first three months- I think that's where I am hung up BD.

I need to get over it.

[betterdeal]

Have you read Getting Past Your Breakup? It's a good book.

[Kamille]

I fully blame myself.

How hard was I on him? Well, for example- 2 days after the MC, he went bar hopping with his friends and I got really pissed at him- tore a strip off him. I had just had thatthis happen and he went out. I needed him- you know? I was really hurting and he chose to go out with his buddies.

 

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have cared- but right after the MC just happening- I gave him a hard time about that.

 

I was also very moody. I'd also told him I questioned if we were right for one another with him on a couple of occasions when we fought.

 

He never said in what ways we weren't right for one another- just that he didn't feel like we were.

 

You're very understanding and you're showing that you can see the relationship from his point of view. Which leaves only one question: Where was his sense of empathy in all this?

[betterdeal]

As is often the case,it sounds like communication could have been better. That's something to take with you to your next relationship.

[D-Lish]

You're very understanding and you're showing that you can see the relationship from his point of view. Which leaves only one question: Where was his sense of empathy in all this?

 

There wasn't any. I don't even think he was able to put 2+2 together that my mood swings reflected my hormones or the fact that I was hurting.

 

It's funny, he's like my brother in a lot of ways. My sis in law recently had her aunt die- and at the funeral, her alcoholic mother showed up plastered and caused a huge scene at the funeral- screaming at my sis in law in front of her grandson... Called her horrible names and told her 4 year old grandson that his mother was a horrible b*tch. She'd disowned her mother a year ago because she took her grandson to "The legion", got plastered and drove with him in the car to drop him off...

 

The day after the funeral scene- I called my bro and he told me that my sis-in-law had gotten mad at him for something silly and stormed off leaving him with the kids. He told me how angry he was at her. I said to him "wtf???" Do you not realize what she's just gone through???" I don't think it occurred to him at all.... All he saw was that she'd snapped at him, and that made him angry at her.

 

My ex was similar.

 

As is often the case,it sounds like communication could have been better. That's something to take with you to your next relationship.

 

It was awful- he was incapable of communicating. Our relationship would have been so much better if he'd just been able to tell me what he needed from me instead of storing up the resentment and just ending it one day.

 

You're right, I need to look for signs of that in my next relationship.

[D-Lish]

One more thing. I got the sense from how you described him that he was "weak" and unable to deal with another person's needs. Sort of a people pleaser. Am I right? If this is accurate I think you should move on and look for a stronger man.

 

This triggered a memory for me.

 

I remember in the first couple months we were out on a dinner date at a Boston Pizza- and it started getting late and a group of really young, barely legal kids came into the bar. They congregated around our table and started resting their pints/glasses of wine on our table while we were eating dinner. They were leaning against our table, bumping into us- and I got pissed off and removed all their pints/bottles/glasses and put them on the empty table beside us. One of the really young dudes started in on me and I went back at him. My ex just sat there in shock- he said nothing to defend me and he just averted his gaze from the teenagers.

I didn't yell or anything- I just told the young kid we were trying to have a date and they were being disrespectful and ignorant (and they were). I think my ex hated that about me- maybe it made him feel like less of a man that I would confront that inappropriate behaviour when he never would.

[2sunny]

you know DL - it was good for three months - but just not enough substance from this guy to sustain anything of value. he didn't offer enough to the table.

 

it would take too much effort to teach him how to communicate effectively at his age... and how to recognize his emotions enough to express them as well... sounds completely frustrating.

 

i think he did you a huge favor by exiting.

 

i'm happy you are learning to open your heart and give to a man... don't be reluctant next time around just because this guy was inadequate with what you offered him.

 

someone who will love you, for YOU is waiting.

[D-Lish]

you know DL - it was good for three months - but just not enough substance from this guy to sustain anything of value. he didn't offer enough to the table.

 

it would take too much effort to teach him how to communicate effectively at his age... and how to recognize his emotions enough to express them as well... sounds completely frustrating.

 

i think he did you a huge favor by exiting.

 

i'm happy you are learning to open your heart and give to a man... don't be reluctant next time around just because this guy was inadequate with what you offered him.

 

someone who will love you, for YOU is waiting.

 

Thank you 2S- I know you're right- and as I follow threads throughout LS, your advice is always great, insightful, and helpful.

 

I'd be giving someone the same advice to myself- if it wasn't myself:o As I've always said- I'm a better coach than a player.

 

I did delete the e-mail from my draft folder. I'm not sending it.

 

Had I stayed with this guy, I would have dumped him down the road. I think I probably have more issues with being rejected first than actually feeling like I am still in love with him.

 

Rejection has a powerful impact.

[2sunny]

rejection schmechtion! Bahahaha!!!

 

who cares who did it first... it was a gift in the long run.

 

get out there and be happy DL... life is too short! go have fun!

 

and thanks for the kind words, sometimes i get a beating here for my complete honesty, apparently it's usually not what people want to hear.

 

i speak my truth - no matter what.

 

go live a little.

[threebyfate]

This triggered a memory for me.

 

I remember in the first couple months we were out on a dinner date at a Boston Pizza- and it started getting late and a group of really young, barely legal kids came into the bar. They congregated around our table and started resting their pints/glasses of wine on our table while we were eating dinner. They were leaning against our table, bumping into us- and I got pissed off and removed all their pints/bottles/glasses and put them on the empty table beside us. One of the really young dudes started in on me and I went back at him. My ex just sat there in shock- he said nothing to defend me and he just averted his gaze from the teenagers. I didn't yell or anything- I just told the young kid we were trying to have a date and they were being disrespectful and ignorant (and they were). I think my ex hated that about me- maybe it made him feel like less of a man that I would confront that inappropriate behaviour when he never would.

Wow D, big red flag right there! What kind of self-respecting man would say nothing and worse yet, avert his gaze? It's one thing to watch what's going on and not to interfere because you've got it handled and another to cower. And frankly, I would have expected a guy to speak up and back you but that's just me.

[D-Lish]

rejection schmechtion! Bahahaha!!!

 

who cares who did it first... it was a gift in the long run.

 

get out there and be happy DL... life is too short! go have fun!

 

and thanks for the kind words, sometimes i get a beating here for my complete honesty, apparently it's usually not what people want to hear.

 

i speak my truth - no matter what.

 

go live a little.

 

Some people don't want to hear the truth- I do.

That's why I appreciate your insight.

[2sunny]

Wow D, big red flag right there! What kind of self-respecting man would say nothing and worse yet, avert his gaze? It's one thing to watch what's going on and not to interfere because you've got it handled and another to cower. And frankly, I would have expected a guy to speak up and back you but that's just me.

 

yep, seriously sounds like wussy dude!

[D-Lish]

Wow D, big red flag right there! What kind of self-respecting man would say nothing and worse yet, avert his gaze? It's one thing to watch what's going on and not to interfere because you've got it handled and another to cower. And frankly, I would have expected a guy to speak up and back you but that's just me.

 

Yeah, that bothered me that night I have to say.

We brought it up the next night with his best friend and his best friend even said "I would have freaked"....

 

There was another night we were out and a group of younger kids piled their coats up almost on top of me and began using our table as more of their friends arrived. One guy asked us to move so they could take over our table- and I said NO. My ex thought I was being unreasonable- and my reaction was "wtf- we're eating dinner, I'm not moving to appease these unruly teenagers"... He immediately got up to move and I said NO.

 

One kid said to him "your gf's a b*tch eh?"- and he didn't say anything.

I wasn't being a b*tch- we were eating dinner, and these kids were on top of our table- and then had the audacity to ask us to move to accomodate their growing number of friends arriving. Was I supposed to pick up my plate, grab my pint and find another spot mid-meal because some 19 year olds wanted to take our table over??? He was okay with that, I wasn't.

 

He thought that made me combative- I felt standing my ground so I could finish my meal uninterrupted was totally appropriate given the circumstance.

[threebyfate]

yep, seriously sounds like wussy dude!

 

Yeah, that bothered me that night I have to say.

We brought it up the next night with his best friend and his best friend even said "I would have freaked"....

 

There was another night we were out and a group of younger kids piled their coats up almost on top of me and began using our table as more of their friends arrived. One guy asked us to move so they could take over our table- and I said NO. My ex thought I was being unreasonable- and my reaction was "wtf- we're eating dinner, I'm not moving to appease these unruly teenagers"... He immediately got up to move and I said NO.

 

One kid said to him "your gf's a b*tch eh?"- and he didn't say anything.

I wasn't being a b*tch- we were eating dinner, and these kids were on top of our table- and then had the audacity to ask us to move to accomodate their growing number of friends arriving. Was I supposed to pick up my plate, grab my pint and find another spot mid-meal because some 19 year olds wanted to take our table over??? He was okay with that, I wasn't.

 

He thought that made me combative- I felt standing my ground so I could finish my meal uninterrupted was totally appropriate given the circumstance.

I'm floored and don't know what to say so I'm bolding 2sunny's post!

 

You weren't being the least bit unreasonable to expect to finish your dinner. Unbelievable!

[D-Lish]

I'm floored and don't know what to say so I'm bolding 2sunny's post!

 

You weren't being the least bit unreasonable to expect to finish your dinner. Unbelievable!

 

He made me feel like I was unreasonable- and combative.

I was just trying to finish my dinner.

 

Right away he was "Sure, we'll move"... But there was nowhere to move to, the place was packed.

 

We had a huge fight that night- because the one dude turned to my ex and said "wow, your gf's a bitch eh?" And he didn't defend me.

[betterdeal]

i speak my truth - no matter what.

 

Oh please, you write what you *think* is the truth. Beyond simple physical world stuff,there are myriad truths. "He's a wuss" is just as true as "he doesn't like confrontation".

 

What's wrong with not liking confrontation? It's far more likely to end up getting physical and criminal records being dished out for a man than a woman.

 

One solution to a bunch of kiddies edging their way onto your table is to leave and go somewhere that doesn't attract kiddies. Another is to date someone who has the gift of the gab and will easily talk them down. There are more.

 

Here's a wee example from my life: when I was a toddler we ended up living in the most deprived (and depraved) bits of Edinburgh. This was the poorest bit of the poorest bit of Britain, in a tenement block (called schemes in Britain; I guess projects in the States) with a paedophile as one neighbour and a rapist the other. My dad was working in the steel foundry, and regularly had to walk the gauntlet of gangs to get home. He had a few fights with them, involving hammers and whatever else came to hand. One day "someone" was found smashing the paedophile's head in on a curb stone for something that probably involved me. The police, thankfully, "didn't find" the perpetrator.

 

Not a wuss, right? But he joined the Army to get us out of that place. Because leaving a sh*thole is a good option, and he doesn't like conflict. So does that mean he was running away, had become a wuss?

 

Similarly, getting in a strop about one thing when it's another thing that's rubbing you up wrong way is not the other party's fault, or yours. If he can see the bigger picture and say, "what's this really about?" then maybe you'd be better suited to one another. Equally, if you can say, "I'm feeling pretty up tight because of that other thing and am not in the mood to deal with this thing right now" the course of events may have changed.

 

They are myriad truths.

[2sunny]

Oh please, you write what you *think* is the truth.

 

i will correct you - i said MY truth!

 

mine is mine and yours is yours.

 

that is how it works.

 

my truth is based on MY experience and MY perspective - that's what makes it mine.

 

it's still MY truth - no matter what way you look at it.

 

there are a FEW things that are THE truth - like the sun rising here in the morning, the beach is over there on the west side... - those things are THE truth.

 

MY truth is different than facts that happen each day consistently - those are the truth. BIG difference.

[D-Lish]

Oh please, you write what you *think* is the truth. Beyond simple physical world stuff,there are myriad truths. "He's a wuss" is just as true as "he doesn't like confrontation".

 

What's wrong with not liking confrontation? It's far more likely to end up getting physical and criminal records being dished out for a man than a woman.

 

One solution to a bunch of kiddies edging their way onto your table is to leave and go somewhere that doesn't attract kiddies. Another is to date someone who has the gift of the gab and will easily talk them down. There are more.

 

Here's a wee example from my life: when I was a toddler we ended up living in the most deprived (and depraved) bits of Edinburgh. This was the poorest bit of the poorest bit of Britain, in a tenement block (called schemes in Britain; I guess projects in the States) with a paedophile as one neighbour and a rapist the other. My dad was working in the steel foundry, and regularly had to walk the gauntlet of gangs to get home. He had a few fights with them, involving hammers and whatever else came to hand. One day "someone" was found smashing the paedophile's head in on a curb stone for something that probably involved me. The police, thankfully, "didn't find" the perpetrator.

 

Not a wuss, right? But he joined the Army to get us out of that place. Because leaving a sh*thole is a good option, and he doesn't like conflict. So does that mean he was running away, had become a wuss?

 

Similarly, getting in a strop about one thing when it's another thing that's rubbing you up wrong way is not the other party's fault, or yours. If he can see the bigger picture and say, "what's this really about?" then maybe you'd be better suited to one another. Equally, if you can say, "I'm feeling pretty up tight because of that other thing and am not in the mood to deal with this thing right now" the course of events may have changed.

 

They are myriad truths.

 

So are you saying it's about picking and choosing our battles?

 

What would you have done if you just sat down for a meal with your gf and a group of teens asked you to move to accomdate them?

 

What would you do if your gf said NO and one of the guy's called your gf a bitch?

 

It's legal for people to drink at 18-19 in Canada, you can't really go out and find a place that isn't incredibly expensive to avoid dealing with this.

 

He saw my "sorry, no, we're not moving" as being combative. I used to be a counsellor, I can talk people down, and I'm never rude- but also, being in that line of work taught me not to take crap.

 

Should I have picked up my plate and tried to find another table in a busy pub because a 19 year old kid asked me to? Am I not justified in saying- sorry- give me half an hour and we'll be done our dinner and be out of here... Then you can spread to out table...

[betterdeal]

Oh right, fair enough. My apologies, 2sunny.

[2sunny]

So are you saying it's about picking and choosing our battles?

 

What would you have done if you just sat down for a meal with your gf and a group of teens asked you to move to accomdate them?

 

What would you do if your gf said NO and one of the guy's called your gf a bitch?

 

It's legal for people to drink at 18-19 in Canada, you can't really go out and find a place that isn't incredibly expensive to avoid dealing with this.

 

He saw my "sorry, no, we're not moving" as being combative. I used to be a counsellor, I can talk people down, and I'm never rude- but also, being in that line of work taught me not to take crap.

 

Should I have picked up my plate and tried to find another table in a busy pub because a 19 year old kid asked me to? Am I not justified in saying- sorry- give me half an hour and we'll be done our dinner and be out of here... Then you can spread to out table...

 

HE should have been MAN ENOUGH to speak up - but he didn't... same as when he didn't express himself toward the end of dating you - instead he said NOTHING - then just went away.

 

it wasn't you DL - it was him. he had no balls. no way to speak his truth. it should have sounded like this "you are in our space while i'm enjoying DL's company - please move away from our table so we can enjoy our evening out."

 

but he didn't. he was weak.

[D-Lish]

HE should have been MAN ENOUGH to speak up - but he didn't... same as when he didn't express himself toward the end of dating you - instead he said NOTHING - then just went away.

 

it wasn't you DL - it was him. he had no balls. no way to speak his truth. it should have sounded like this "you are in our space while i'm enjoying DL's company - please move away from our table so we can enjoy our evening out."

 

but he didn't. he was weak.

 

Which is pretty much what I was doing with him right?

Telling others they were in our space when I was trying to enjoy him...

 

I guess I was taking on a man's role- that probably didn't go over well with his ego.

 

I think his ego was way to fragile to be with somone like me.

[PelicanPete]

I don't really see what being 19 has to do with anything. After all they have just as much right to be in the pub as you do. Whether it's a 19 year old or a 50 year old is irrelevant, all that matters is that they were being disrespectful.

 

betterdeal is 100% right about men having to be extra careful about picking their battles, but in your situation I don't see why your ex didn't back you up. I can see maybe he found those people disruptive and distracting and was looking for an excuse to change tables anyway, but he definitely should have intervened when that one guy called you a b*tch. There is definitely something wrong if he lets that slide.

[D-Lish]

I don't really see what being 19 has to do with anything. After all they have just as much right to be in the pub as you do. Whether it's a 19 year old or a 50 year old is irrelevant, all that matters is that they were being disrespectful.

 

betterdeal is 100% right about men having to be extra careful about picking their battles, but in your situation I don't see why your ex didn't back you up. I can see maybe he found those people disruptive and distracting and was looking for an excuse to change tables anyway, but he definitely should have intervened when that one guy called you a b*tch. There is definitely something wrong if he lets that slide.

 

Well you're right, they had every right to be there- but they certainly weren't mature enough to reconize that the world doesn't revolve around them- and when two people are eating dinner beside them and the place is packed- it's not exactly appropriate to ask a couple to move while they have just started eating so they can expand their seating...

[betterdeal]

So are you saying it's about picking and choosing our battles?

 

In some senses, yes. But it's also about picking and choosing who's by our side when we go into battle.

 

What would you have done if you just sat down for a meal with your gf and a group of teens asked you to move to accomdate them?

 

What would you do if your gf said NO and one of the guy's called your gf a bitch?

 

It's legal for people to drink at 18-19 in Canada, you can't really go out and find a place that isn't incredibly expensive to avoid dealing with this.

 

He saw my "sorry, no, we're not moving" as being combative. I used to be a counsellor, I can talk people down, and I'm never rude- but also, being in that line of work taught me not to take crap.

 

Should I have picked up my plate and tried to find another table in a busy pub because a 19 year old kid asked me to? Am I not justified in saying- sorry- give me half an hour and we'll be done our dinner and be out of here... Then you can spread to out table...

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, at all. I don't think he did either, TBH. I just think you cannot give him what he wants and vice versa.

 

Drinking age is 18 here too, and enforcement a lot more lax, so generally we start drinking in pubs at about 16. Some pubs are rowdy and where kids will turn up; others are old man pubs; others are gastro-pubs. Maybe the variety isn't as wide in Canada as it is in the UK?

 

Having been in a fight and a couple of near fights with various people (ex-landlord, bunch of students, some gym bunny etc) over similar things, whilst with my ex, who was very assertive, but also very cocky and a wind up merchant (not saying you are at all), I was asking myself, is this worth it, is this how it's going to be?

 

What I do think I can do better in the future, is take more of a lead, up to and including ending the relationship sooner if the next woman I am with wants conflict and controversy as much as my ex did (not saying you do).

 

I get the feeling that his inability to back up you, and your joint inability to broach the subject in a way that improved things after the event was a major problem for you guys.

 

That said, I know couples who are quiet, peaceable and avoid conflict. They would walk out of the pub, go for a walk, get a Chinese takeaway and go home. That works for them. And that's the point: it's what works for you.

 

It sounds like you guys just took different approaches to dealing with an external irritant and that just means you were not suited to one another at that time in your lives.

 

Who knows? Your Clarke Kent ex might become Superman, but it's Lex Luther who's the problem, whichever way you look at it. And it's also fine that it pisses you off that your ex was more Clarke Kent than Superman. But what will really make you feel free is letting go of the hurt of being rejected, letting go of trying to apportion blame and making too many value judgments, and accepting that you're both perfectly fine individuals that just don't work together as a couple.

 

Hmm. Not sure I'm making sense, but there you go.

[betterdeal]

HE should have been MAN ENOUGH to speak up - but he didn't... same as when he didn't express himself toward the end of dating you - instead he said NOTHING - then just went away.

 

it wasn't you DL - it was him. he had no balls. no way to speak his truth. it should have sounded like this "you are in our space while i'm enjoying DL's company - please move away from our table so we can enjoy our evening out."

 

but he didn't. he was weak.

 

It's amazing how the solution for almost all problems men face is to apparently grow an extra set of testicles.

 

Women have feelings, pasts, hormones and nuances all swirling around to create a fully formed human being whereas a man who doesn't please your sensibilities is obviously physically deformed; subhuman.