Why am I not healing??

[snug.bunny]

It makes sense- because this guy was NOT special. He was actually a horrible match for me. I know that logically. My logic hasn't caught up to my heart- it rarely does to be honest.

 

It's frustrating to have so much insight into my situation- but still be unable to let it go.

 

You will let it go...

 

Each day that you don't contact him, is you letting it go.

Each day that you move on with your life, is you letting go.

Each day that you feel attraction towards another man, date another man, kiss another man, is you letting go.

 

At some point, you may even feel hatred towards him, and then you'll reach indifference. Even then, you may still have a tiny little place for him left in your heart, but, that's all it will be/what remains. And, that's more likely to be, based on memories of the time you shared together. Those memories, are not HIM, they're just, memories....

[onlyafool]

I'm pretty broken as an individual. I don't want to be- but it's a reality.

 

A broken individual doesn't come on LS and give advice to others in their hour of need. A broken individual doesn't have love and caring for people she's never even seen. A broken individual doesn't wish they could take others hurt away.

 

A broken individual is a person that left you when they did.

[David Cain]

A broken individual doesn't come on LS and give advice to others in their hour of need. A broken individual doesn't have love and caring for people she's never even seen. A broken individual doesn't wish they could take others hurt away.

 

Seems so poetic....

[D-Lish]

You will let it go...

 

Each day that you don't contact him, is you letting it go.

Each day that you move on with your life, is you letting go.

Each day that you feel attraction towards another man, date another man, kiss another man, is you letting go.

 

At some point, you may even feel hatred towards him, and then you'll reach indifference. Even then, you may still have a tiny little place for him left in your heart, but, that's all it will be/what remains. And, that's more likely to be, based on memories of the time you shared together. Those memories, are not HIM, they're just, memories....

 

I want this to happen sooner rather than later, lol.

I'm doing all the right things- the No Contact, but I just can't reach geting angry and I think that is making me stuck.

 

I shoud be mad- I should feel anger. I just get caught up in self blame, and that makes it hard to get angry at the other person.

 

A broken individual doesn't come on LS and give advice to others in their hour of need. A broken individual doesn't have love and caring for people she's never even seen. A broken individual doesn't wish they could take others hurt away.

 

A broken individual is a person that left you when they did.

 

This post made me cry- in a good way.

 

He is broken, and I wanted to fix him too. I always want to fix people.

I think that's my way of avoiding dealing with my own problems:o

[2sunny]

It makes sense- because this guy was NOT special. He was actually a horrible match for me. I know that logically. My logic hasn't caught up to my heart- it rarely does to be honest.

 

It's frustrating to have so much insight into my situation- but still be unable to let it go.

 

DL - when you meet the right guy - you will then understand why this one didn't work out. with him being emotionally unavailable - long term you may have felt more alone than ever, even if he WAS with you. that would be even more disappointing.

 

Thanks Jo. I don't know why I've regressed back to the self pity stuff.

I've been a weeping mess this past week and I'm not sure where it's coming from. I said to my gf tonight that I just want to heal and move past this guy:o

 

 

I should be angry- because he left me during a time when I needed him the most- and he was never very supportive with the miscarriage (nor did he ever want to talk about me being pregnant). He was physically present- and I know that means something, but not being able to talk about it was really hard on me.

 

I want to be angry- but I always have trouble getting to that stage of grieving.

 

 

you should cry. you should be angry - if those are the emotions you are feeling... allow yourself to totally FEEL them... as long as you can, by not pushing those emotions away. cry, cry as long as you need to once the tears start. it's healthy to get it all out. journaling may help too.

 

It's really difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone got to know me really well- and decided I wasn't worthy to spend time with.

 

i don't think it had anything to do with you DL - it was him... and his inability to be vulnerable - and his inability to step into the commitment. he ran... ran from it all... so he is the inadequate one, not you.

 

he wasn't capable of being the man you thought he COULD be.

 

at times like this - you gotta be a bit grateful he showed you this now - so as not to waste a lot more of your time and energy on a man who could never give you what you deserve... to be connected and mentally and emotionally available.

 

it's not something he can easily change either... some just don't have it - can't learn how to be compassionate and caring, vulnerable.

 

when you are ready to open your heart again... things will work with the right man. it will seem easy and right.

[D-Lish]

DL - when you meet the right guy - you will then understand why this one didn't work out. with him being emotionally unavailable - long term you may have felt more alone than ever, even if he WAS with you. that would be even more disappointing.

 

 

 

you should cry. you should be angry - if those are the emotions you are feeling... allow yourself to totally FEEL them... as long as you can, by not pushing those emotions away. cry, cry as long as you need to once the tears start. it's healthy to get it all out. journaling may help too.

 

 

 

i don't think it had anything to do with you DL - it was him... and his inability to be vulnerable - and his inability to step into the commitment. he ran... ran from it all... so he is the inadequate one, not you.

 

he wasn't capable of being the man you thought he COULD be.

 

at times like this - you gotta be a bit grateful he showed you this now - so as not to waste a lot more of your time and energy on a man who could never give you what you deserve... to be connected and mentally and emotionally available.

 

it's not something he can easily change either... some just don't have it - can't learn how to be compassionate and caring, vulnerable.

 

when you are ready to open your heart again... things will work with the right man. it will seem easy and right.

 

You're right. Things were easy and right with this guy initially- makes me question my instincts:o But until I got pregnant- everything was perfect. The true test came when I needed his support and he couldn't give it to me.

 

I am glad I found this out- I mean my dog is sick right now. and he wouldn't be able to support me on this issue either. So not being with him is the right choice.

 

What really bothers me is that when he dumped me he said "Things just happened too fast".... But HE was the one that pushed that- not me. Yet he made me feel like I pushed something when I never did. He forced the too fast stuff- that was never me.

[huskers11]

Wow you sound a lot like me. My ex and I didn't get pregnant but we did have a scare and about a week after we found out I wasn't pregnant he dumped me out of the blue. It hurt more than I ever thought possible and it's been almost 6 months now and I still constantly think of him and want him back more than anything! I honestly think the scare is the whole reason why we broke up! I really have no advice, I honestly wish I did but I hope it makes you feel better to know someone else out there was in a similar situation. For me it helps to know so I don't think I'm crazy and pathetic! haha.. I hope it gets better for you!

[2sunny]

some people like to go fast so you may not be able to notice what's really going on... their illusion and cover up - so you don't notice their insecurities/deficiencies...

 

but when life really started happening - he couldn't cover up any longer. he's not the kind you can count on in the hard times. we NEED people in our lives we CAN count on... the ones who we can't are not our friends but mere acquantances.

 

seems his reality is - he's gonna stay - as long as things are easy and perfect. life is never like that. so he loses. loses you - because he can't deal with real life. that has nothing to do with you.

[snug.bunny]

I want this to happen sooner rather than later, lol.

I'm doing all the right things- the No Contact, but I just can't reach geting angry and I think that is making me stuck.

 

I shoud be mad- I should feel anger. I just get caught up in self blame, and that makes it hard to get angry at the other person.

 

It WILL happen, in due time.

 

Two tears in a bucket.....

[2sunny]

you said this back in March...

 

Everything is great for the most part. He's wonderful, thoughtful, caring, attentive... But when it comes to talking about anything serious (like issues)- he just clams up. He literally goes into "deer caught in the headlights" mode.

 

then you said this...

 

Things were easy and right with this guy initially- makes me question my instincts

 

a man who can't communicate may look easy because he's not saying much - but that non communication isn't going to feel loving and supportive as you go through the ups and downs in life. it gets frustrating!

 

 

if he hasn't learned the basic task of speaking his truth - it would be a LONG, miserable life with him if you stayed for an extended period of time without that companionship and connection. life's too short to spend with someone who won't share themselves with you on a complete level.

[D-Lish]

some people like to go fast so you may not be able to notice what's really going on... their illusion and cover up - so you don't notice their insecurities/deficiencies...

 

but when life really started happening - he couldn't cover up any longer. he's not the kind you can count on in the hard times. we NEED people in our lives we CAN count on... the ones who we can't are not our friends but mere acquantances.

 

seems his reality is - he's gonna stay - as long as things are easy and perfect. life is never like that. so he loses. loses you - because he can't deal with real life. that has nothing to do with you.

 

You're so insightful. That's exactly it. I don't know why I continue to blame myself for the demise of this relationship.

 

It WILL happen, in due time.

 

Two tears in a bucket.....

 

I hope so- I am just so cautious about who I let into my life- I am even worse now after this.

 

I thought he was the one- I've never felt that way before to be honest.

Even admitting that makes me feel stupid.

[Madi in evergreen]

D-List;

 

When I was in so much pain of broken relationship, what scared me the most was the idea that healing was not happening at all. I felt that I was in the same degree of suffering (if not worse) as 6 months before. I was in fear that I was never going to be happy again. That hopelessness was draining me out.

 

I can assume from your title that that is what you are worrying too....

 

A good friend of mine told me at that time, healing is like 'getting out of a black cloud'.

 

You will do everything to be healed every day and expect to be better every day, but not be able to see the difference at all for days and months.

You will think that you are never going to see a beautiful sunny day again.

 

But what is going to happen is, you will wake up in one morning and realize the all the black cloud is gone over night and you will see the brightest morning. That morning you will be able to think about your loss without feeling pain anymore. Just like turning a page in the book, you will be in a different chapter.

That morning will come, maybe in a month, or maybe in a week. But most likely very sudden manner.

 

So don't feel hopeless about not seeing the progress of healing.

It is happening yet in a different way than you think.

[D-Lish]

D-List;

 

When I was in so much pain of broken relationship, what scared me the most was the idea that healing was not happening at all. I felt that I was in the same degree of suffering (if not worse) as 6 months before. I was in fear that I was never going to be happy again. That hopelessness was draining me out.

 

I can assume from your title that that is what you are worrying too....

 

A good friend of mine told me at that time, healing is like 'getting out of a black cloud'.

 

You will do everything to be healed every day and expect to be better every day, but not be able to see the difference at all for days and months.

You will think that you are never going to see a beautiful sunny day again.

 

But what is going to happen is, you will wake up in one morning and realize the all the black cloud is gone over night and you will see the brightest morning. That morning you will be able to think about your loss without feeling pain anymore. Just like turning a page in the book, you will be in a different chapter.

That morning will come, maybe in a month, or maybe in a week. But most likely very sudden manner.

 

So don't feel hopeless about not seeing the progress of healing.

It is happening yet in a different way than you think.

 

I know it will happen someday- I just want to stop feeling so sad :-(

[D-Lish]

I can't even tell you how many drafts I have in my email- all addressed to him. Things I'm not going to send- but a whole lot of lamenting going on.

[snug.bunny]

I hope so- I am just so cautious about who I let into my life- I am even worse now after this.

 

I thought he was the one- I've never felt that way before to be honest.

Even admitting that makes me feel stupid.

 

Of course you are going to be cautious. But, it's good to be cautious, regardless of what has happened in your past.

 

Don't let this individual's actions (or lack thereof), hold that much power over you that it breaks your spirit. I know that you feel your spirit is broken, at least for now, but like one of the other members posted ----> your ability to reach out to others in their time of need, to feel empathy towards others, proves that you are NOT broken.

[snug.bunny]

I can't even tell you how many drafts I have in my email- all addressed to him. Things I'm not going to send- but a whole lot of lamenting going on.

 

Ah yes, lamenting

 

.......Delete those draft emails.

[2sunny]

the best way to start enjoying life is to stay in this very moment - knowing it's the perfect moment - and the ONLY thing you really have. this is the part we have to accept and cannot change. it does no good to try and change the past - or to worry about the future. those take care of themselves and are always perfect as well.

 

just let EVERY moment BE exactly the way it's supposed to be.

do not try to change things. stay in gratitude... be grateful you are alive.

 

appreciate every moment you get - and live as if you do intent to make the most of what you get - the here and NOW...

[2sunny]

Ah yes, lamenting

 

.......Delete those draft emails.

 

i agree - let go of the baggage - it's dragging you down. not useful.

[onlyafool]

This post made me cry- in a good way.

 

He is broken, and I wanted to fix him too. I always want to fix people.

I think that's my way of avoiding dealing with my own problems:o

 

See! So you're not totally broken!

 

The Stuart Smalley approach always works for me, but then again, I'm a little weird...

 

"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."

 

Believe me D-Lish, I have had the same self-esteem problems all of my life. I'm just now getting to the point, in the last few years, where I don't necessarily care what people think about me. I'm not a jerk or arrogant, by any means, but I also don't spend a lot of brain/emotional time worrying about others opinions of me. I know I'm a good person that has a lot to offer. If I never find the right person for me, so be it. I already have the best company in the world...me, myself and I.

 

Keep your chin up

[Kamille]

Goodness D, you're so hard on yourself! It once took me a whole year to get over a one month relationship. And there wasn't a fraction of the emotional intensity of your ex-relationship. Of course, there were some abandonment issues. I wish you had a stronger impulse to treat yourself with indulgence, gentleness and care. Do you realize what you went through? You're a star for even coming on here and joking with us!

 

When I read your thread, I'm getting the impression your defense mechanism are acting up. It's almost like you want to prove you're too "defectuous" for love, which is a pretty nifty way to take yourself out of the game. And yet, there's a healthy side of you that's not ready to give up... A healthy side that knows you're absolutely capable and worthy of love. That's a pretty big inner conflict.

[D-Lish]

Goodness D, you're so hard on yourself! It once took me a whole year to get over a one month relationship. And there wasn't a fraction of the emotional intensity of your ex-relationship. Of course, there were some abandonment issues. I wish you had a stronger impulse to treat yourself with indulgence, gentleness and care. Do you realize what you went through? You're a star for even coming on here and joking with us!

 

When I read your thread, I'm getting the impression your defense mechanism are acting up. It's almost like you want to prove you're too "defectuous" for love, which is a pretty nifty way to take yourself out of the game. And yet, there's a healthy side of you that's not ready to give up... A healthy side that knows you're absolutely capable and worthy of love. That's a pretty big inner conflict.

 

It's just being broken- That's where it comes from- and I have a whole lot of insight and info to reply to SB- and I will- and I appreciate it- and I'm going to bed soon on a prescription sleeping pill- which I took an hour ago- so forgive me spelling errors.

 

 

I don't love the idea of being on meds- but I haven't slept in months- I get 2-3 hours a night.... And for the past week- I am back to 8. Sleep makes a big, big difference.

[D-Lish]

I feel like actually having sleep is amazing- I was getting 2 to 3 hours a night- It makes a huge difference in my depression as well.

 

I'm more rested, and it's helping.

 

Somebody tell me not to send a reconciliation email to my ex. I've been four months NC- and I have a draft in my outbox I think I am close to sending.

 

Tell me not to...

[PelicanPete]

What does he have that you cannot give yourself?

[betterdeal]

Write it out by hand. Put it an envelope. Let it marinade in a drawer for at least three days. After three days, decide what to do with it. All love letters worth their salt ought to be hand written on paper, just like birthday cards ought to be cards not "e-cards".

 

But first, go to bed, say some affirmations to yourself and sleep well. You're beautiful; don't you forget it.

[D-Lish]

What does he have that you cannot give yourself?

 

A penis, I guess.