Why am I not healing??

[PelicanPete]

A penis, I guess.

 

Is that the real answer, or just the first thing that comes to mind ?

 

Why are you living in fear? What are you so afraid of?

[carhill]

Tell me not to...

 

OK, consider yourself told

[betterdeal]

What's the useless bit of skin attached to a penis called? A man!

 

Why do women were perfume and make up? Because they smell and they're ugly!

 

I'm here all week! Try the veal!

[D-Lish]

What does he have that you cannot give yourself?

 

Write it out by hand. Put it an envelope. Let it marinade in a drawer for at least three days. After three days, decide what to do with it. All love letters worth their salt ought to be hand written on paper, just like birthday cards ought to be cards not "e-cards".

 

But first, go to bed, say some affirmations to yourself and sleep well. You're beautiful; don't you forget it.

 

Thank you- I have about 3 drafts- all sitting on my draft file.

I've been so good for 4 months- not sending anything- but I have an itch currently- I want to send him a letter.

 

It would be stupid to do so- and I'm leaving it in my draft file- but I can feel myself growing weak.

[betterdeal]

Maybe you actually strong enough and safe enough to let out another batch of feelings, hence you're feeling vulnerable and weak - because they're surfacing.

 

Sometimes it's better to think of them as melancholy clouds that obscure your sunshine. But soon they'll pass, like clouds do.

 

It's okay. You're okay.

[D-Lish]

...and I'm not serious about the penis stuff- it was an attempt at sarcasm.

That stuff has nothing to do with missing him.

 

I just have an e-mail draft in my outbox I am about to send- I want to be talked out of it...

[PelicanPete]

If you feel like you're not healing it's because you aren't pushing yourself enough. In order to move forward you need to grow away from who you were when you were in that relationship. The person you were in that relationship will not survive without it, and if you continue to be her you'll never get over it.

 

Growth requires asking yourself those tough questions, but what does not kill can only make you stronger right?

 

If you feel like your in a psychological hell, you might as well clean up a bit before you leave and discover the root of your anxiety. Chances are it's become linked to your relationship and acts as a trigger which is making it harder to grow.

 

So ask yourself those tough questions. What are you really afraid of?

[snug.bunny]

I just have an e-mail draft in my outbox I am about to send- I want to be talked out of it...

 

Here!! Look at this for a couple of seconds --->diversion

[betterdeal]

...and I'm not serious about the penis stuff- it was an attempt at sarcasm.

That stuff has nothing to do with missing him.

 

I just have an e-mail draft in my outbox I am about to send- I want to be talked out of it...

 

Never. Ever. Send. Love Letters by email. If it matters that much to you, write it out by hand and spend some money on a stamp. I bet you a pound to a penny you don't. Because it doesn't matter that much to you. He doesn't matter that much to you. It's a stamp. Costs pennies. You can't be arsed to buy one. What does that say to you?

 

You've had some sleep and so are rested. You've been exhausted, hence you have been blocking out the feelings. With the rest you have recently had, you have the energy to acknowledge those feelings. If you like, tell me what exactly it is you want to express right now. What feelings are you having, right now?

 

It's hard, I know, but once you've set the bone you need to rebuild the muscles, and you do that buy taking baby steps, not doing a 20 mile romp with a 60lb backpack in enemy territory.

[D-Lish]

Here!! Look at this for a couple of seconds --->diversion

 

I did. and my account timed out:rolleyes:

I forget to say "remember me" sometimes:rolleyes:

[D-Lish]

Never. Ever. Send. Love Letters by email. If it matters that much to you, write it out by hand and spend some money on a stamp. I bet you a pound to a penny you don't. Because it doesn't matter that much to you. He doesn't matter that much to you. It's a stamp. Costs pennies. You can't be arsed to buy one. What does that say to you?

 

You've had some sleep and so are rested. You've been exhausted, hence you have been blocking out the feelings. With the rest you have recently had, you have the energy to acknowledge those feelings. If you like, tell me what exactly it is you want to express right now. What feelings are you having, right now?

 

It's hard, I know, but once you've set the bone you need to rebuild the muscles, and you do that buy taking baby steps, not doing a 20 mile romp with a 60lb backpack in enemy territory.

 

I could cut and paste my draft.

It's so personal though...

Then again, so one here knows me...

[betterdeal]

Do it! Or PM me it if you prefer. I guarantee you I will pay it more attention than the arsehole who dumped you at your weakest moment.

[2sunny]

sending him anything will only stir up the negative energy path... i don't recommend it at all...

 

it ended because he will never be capable of being the man you thought he COULD be.

 

he's emotionally bankrupt. incapable of handling responsibility and expressing his feelings... that isn't a partner. you may as well be with a pile of dirt... it's too frustrating, at best. he really offers nothing as far as intimacy... which is truly what you want. that connection, to be mentally and emotionally connected. it's not him.

 

stepping into his emptiness that he offers is a bad idea and only bound to set you back a few steps.

[Kamille]

Have you ever tried to quit smoking? In my case, I thought of it as a rule of 4. The fourth day, the fourth week and the fourth month were always the toughest. It's like on those days, the part of my body that's addicted to the nicotine realizes: "hey, you're serious about quitting aren't you?" and makes me crave a smoke. (Happy to report I haven't smoked in years).

 

Maybe it's the same thing here. If you weather this bout of feeling miserable about your ex, you will re-affirm to yourself that you're serious about healing. Try to envision yourself 6 months from now, doing an activity you like (lying poolside at a resort?). Do you think you will feel then as you do now?

[Art_Critic]

Hey D-lish.. I have a couple of thoughts on the letter/email.

 

Make sure that you know why you are sending it and considering if you are truly looking for a response and if you could live with being ignored.

 

If you are doing it to get him back then maybe you could recall why you guys broke apart and if he left the door open all, if he didn't then the letter would pose no purpose other than maybe to dig up more hurt.

 

I'm not against sending those letters myself.. heck I've written a few too but in my experience they never gave me what I was looking for.

In most cases I wished I had never sent them after some time past and I re-looked at the whole letter thing.

 

If you are only trying to move on and you think clearing the air would help and you aren't expecting any reply then it might not be a bad idea.

 

We all have to do what we feel is right at the time and if you feel sending the letter is the best thing then by all means do it, just don't expect him to open it and come running back to you telling you how much he loves you and he made a big mistake.

If he did that great.. but don't expect it..

 

Are you still FB friends with him ?

[betterdeal]

We all have to do what we feel is right at the time and if you feel sending the letter is the best thing then by all means do it, just don't expect him to open it and come running back to you telling you how much he loves you and he made a big mistake.

If he did that great.. but don't expect it..

 

Ah, but if he does come back, the likely outcome is you'd dump him right back. That might be what you want to do, to reject him, in which case, go for it.

 

It's a pyrrhic victory, but there's satisfaction to be had in that too, depending on what makes you tick. The thing to avoid is doing it on a regular basis and getting into what amounts to a tedious habit of picking at the scabs.

[D-Lish]

Hey D-lish.. I have a couple of thoughts on the letter/email.

 

Make sure that you know why you are sending it and considering if you are truly looking for a response and if you could live with being ignored.

 

If you are doing it to get him back then maybe you could recall why you guys broke apart and if he left the door open all, if he didn't then the letter would pose no purpose other than maybe to dig up more hurt.

 

I'm not against sending those letters myself.. heck I've written a few too but in my experience they never gave me what I was looking for.

In most cases I wished I had never sent them after some time past and I re-looked at the whole letter thing.

 

If you are only trying to move on and you think clearing the air would help and you aren't expecting any reply then it might not be a bad idea.

 

We all have to do what we feel is right at the time and if you feel sending the letter is the best thing then by all means do it, just don't expect him to open it and come running back to you telling you how much he loves you and he made a big mistake.

If he did that great.. but don't expect it..

 

Are you still FB friends with him ?

 

No, I deleted him from fb immediately.

 

I think you're right, Most scenarios you mentioned- being ignored, being told he has a gf, a polite but brief closed response.... All of these would cause me further pain.

 

I guess I came to the conclusion- what's the point of giving him that power over me by exposing my feelings to him when he's probably long over us.

 

I'd give anyone else here the same advice- so that should tell me something.

[D-Lish]

Ah, but if he does come back, the likely outcome is you'd dump him right back. That might be what you want to do, to reject him, in which case, go for it.

 

It's a pyrrhic victory, but there's satisfaction to be had in that too, depending on what makes you tick. The thing to avoid is doing it on a regular basis and getting into what amounts to a tedious habit of picking at the scabs.

 

I think he's the type of guy that once it's over, it's over. But he's also the type of guy that wouldn't reach out even if he did want to chat- he'd be too scared to.

 

We had a tremendous connection before I got pregnant and all the serious stuff came to fruition. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks back to that time and misses it at all.

 

Our relationship took a pretty big hit really soon into it.

 

My hormones really did play a big role in some of my behaviours that I know contributed to pushing him away.

 

I am still considering cutting and pasting my letter- but I'm afraid you'd all cut me down:o

Sometimes it just feels therapeutic just to write it and keep it as a draft.

[torn_curtain]

I just read your old threads about this relationship and maybe I missed something but I didn't get the sense he wanted to break up with you. It seemed like you were pushing for that more because you felt like he was distant after the miscarriage? I could be off, just curious because it doesn't seem to fit with what you've written in this thread.

 

I think you should post the letter.

[torn_curtain]

One more thing. I got the sense from how you described him that he was "weak" and unable to deal with another person's needs. Sort of a people pleaser. Am I right? If this is accurate I think you should move on and look for a stronger man.

[D-Lish]

I just read your old threads about this relationship and maybe I missed something but I didn't get the sense he wanted to break up with you. It seemed like you were pushing for that more because you felt like he was distant after the miscarriage? I could be off, just curious because it doesn't seem to fit with what you've written in this thread.

 

I think you should post the letter.

 

After the MC, we took a break for a few days (I asked for it) because I was in such an emotional state- and I'd felt some distance between us. A few days later we talked- and decided to make an effort to try and get back to where we were prior to the MC- he seemed eager the night we talked. He asked me if I loved him and I told him I was head over heels for him- then he lept across the couch and hugged me so tightly and didn't let me go for a very long time. I saw that as a good sign that we could make it back.

 

My body was still surging with hormones during that time- and I was acting needy and feeling insecure. I really wasn't myself, and still dealing with the loss. 3 weeks after the talk- he began distancing more and more- and I knew it was coming to an end- then he finally ended it saying things happened too fast and he didn't think we were right for one another. that's how it ended.

[torn_curtain]

After the MC, we took a break for a few days (I asked for it) because I was in such an emotional state- and I'd felt some distance between us. A few days later we talked- and decided to make an effort to try and get back to where we were prior to the MC- he seemed eager the night we talked. He asked me if I loved him and I told him I was head over heels for him- then he lept across the couch and hugged me so tightly and didn't let me go for a very long time. I saw that as a good sign that we could make it back.

 

My body was still surging with hormones during that time- and I was acting needy and feeling insecure. I really wasn't myself, and still dealing with the loss. 3 weeks after the talk- he began distancing more and more- and I knew it was coming to an end- then he finally ended it saying things happened too fast and he didn't think we were right for one another. that's how it ended.

 

That's pretty devastating. I'm sorry you had to go through with that and I totally understand why you're still healing. It's so much harder to get over a breakup where somebody you fully trust pulls a 180 on you, especially coupled with an already emotionally trying situation like a MC.

 

Still, I wonder about specifics. How hard were you on him during this time? Could you elaborate on how exactly you were needy and insecure? I'm just wondering if his withdrawal was justified or not. It doesn't sound like it was, but the fact that you have considered a reconciliation makes me wonder if you feel like you were responsible for pushing him away. Also, in what ways did he say you guys weren't right for each other.

 

Sorry to probe but it's hard to give advice without knowing these details.

[D-Lish]

That's pretty devastating. I'm sorry you had to go through with that and I totally understand why you're still healing. It's so much harder to get over a breakup where somebody you fully trust pulls a 180 on you, especially coupled with an already emotionally trying situation like a MC.

 

Still, I wonder about specifics. How hard were you on him during this time? Could you elaborate on how exactly you were needy and insecure? I'm just wondering if his withdrawal was justified or not. It doesn't sound like it was, but the fact that you have considered a reconciliation makes me wonder if you feel like you were responsible for pushing him away. Also, in what ways did he say you guys weren't right for each other.

 

Sorry to probe but it's hard to give advice without knowing these details.

 

I fully blame myself.

How hard was I on him? Well, for example- 2 days after the MC, he went bar hopping with his friends and I got really pissed at him- tore a strip off him. I had just had thatthis happen and he went out. I needed him- you know? I was really hurting and he chose to go out with his buddies.

 

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have cared- but right after the MC just happening- I gave him a hard time about that.

 

I was also very moody. I'd also told him I questioned if we were right for one another with him on a couple of occasions when we fought.

 

He never said in what ways we weren't right for one another- just that he didn't feel like we were.

[D-Lish]

sending him anything will only stir up the negative energy path... i don't recommend it at all...

 

it ended because he will never be capable of being the man you thought he COULD be.

 

he's emotionally bankrupt. incapable of handling responsibility and expressing his feelings... that isn't a partner. you may as well be with a pile of dirt... it's too frustrating, at best. he really offers nothing as far as intimacy... which is truly what you want. that connection, to be mentally and emotionally connected. it's not him.

 

stepping into his emptiness that he offers is a bad idea and only bound to set you back a few steps.

 

This is what I go back to whenever I feel weak- exactly what you've said above....Because all of it is true.

 

I wanted him to be something he wasn't capable of being- and he wanted me to be something I wasn't capable of being.

 

He did abandon me in a time of need- he was abandoning me well before the miscarriage because the reality of being tied to someone for the rest of his life scared the crap out of him- he wasn't capable of dealing with that.

 

I need these little reminders to get my head back on straight.

 

Betterdeal is also right- I'm going to get more support and caring advice from a stranger on the internet than the man that experienced the pregnancy and loss with me- That's what I have to internalize.

 

I didn't send the letter- I pushed past the urge.

 

I might have, had I not had a swift kick in the ass from my support group at LS.

 

I regressed because I had lunch with a friend last week and she told me "Hey- if you love someone, you have nothing to lose by reaching out to them- you only live once"... But she's in a marriage with a man that she's caught cheating 3 times and still stays with him....

 

I don't want to give up my dignity though- I've been doing sooooo well with the NC- why regress now, right?

 

I'm in love with the man that I dated when we had no serious issues to contend with- but when the going got tough- he failed me. I have to see that as the true indicator of how strong our relationship truly was.

[betterdeal]

Are you sure you're not in love with the you that you were when you had no serious issues to contend with? Being able to be completely open and therefore connected to someone can feel very liberating.

 

Circumstances, life, happened between the two of you, and things broke down, by a combination of extraordinary events and your personalities not being well suited to deal with those events together. In short, you guys had a very difficult period to deal with early into the relationship, and your combined pasts and present-day support structures weren't able to pull you through as a couple.

 

But you have pulled through, as two people with a shared experience, who are now separated. And you're expressing your feelings within a wider community, and that's a major growth point in your life. How about working with that? The achievement you've made in opening up to a community you've become a valuable part of, and have gained from, shows that it's not just a relationship with one person that makes you happier.

 

And you've been tackling your biophysical needs well such as seeking help from professionals to improve your sleep. So now you know it's okay to ask for help and you can, and have, improved your own life by doing so. Given how well you have made yourself feel now compared to 5 months ago, would you seriously want another intense relationship with someone, right now?

 

You also mentioned that your work is stressful and moving on will be a significant challenge. That appears to be a relationship (between you and your employer) that you can consider changing. And then there's friends and family: in what ways would you like to improve things with them? Seems to me we all have lots of relationships in this life and by tending, maintaining, improving, growing or weeding them down a bit, we can make our lives much more fulfilling, meaningful, peaceful. And in that context, this relationship with this one person, isn't so important; it is a learning experience and it was significant, but it isn't the be all and end all, even though sometimes it may feel like that. And you move on to better things; you feel good about how well you have done in such a short period of time, and you leave the fear and grief where it belongs - in the past.