Lowering the Benchmark. How do I do it? Should I do it?

Before I start, I’d just like to say some of this post may sound shallow, but I do understand that looks and sex appeal aren’t everything and that there are more important things when it comes to finding that perfect match. Anyway…

I’ve always considered myself an average looking guy with little sex appeal and in fact have had a lot of self-esteem issues. I always believed I could never draw the hot chick and that I would always end up with an “average looking” woman. Even though I believed that, I did end up with a very attractive and shapely wife and was told “You’ve done well for yourself” by several people. But still I believed I was pretty average. Anyway, moving forward to the end of 2009. I was single and looking, still expecting average results… until Tina came along…

Came across her on a dating site. She sent me a photograph, which was pretty bad quality and she didn’t look very happy in it, but I didn’t put a lot of stock in photographs, because sometimes photos just don’t do a woman justice. Ended up speaking to her on the phone. AMAZING personality. I spoke to her for about two hours, she was so much fun to talk to. Met up with her at a café the following evening. I had to stop myself from dangling out my tongue and drooling. She was drop dead gorgeous and had the most incredible figure. We sat at that café for about 2 hours, talking until we had to go home because we had kids to feed. Anyway, we had so much in common and the next month was a whirlwind romance and we saw each other every day. We introduced each other to our friends and family. I felt like the nerd who’d scored the cheerleader. I felt feelings I hadn't felt since my ex-wife and I first started going out, feelings I never really thought I'd feel again because people always say there's no love like your first love. She was so much fun, the sex was amazing and she seemed to really adore me. But then it all fell apart.

Stupid misunderstanding, blown out of proportion and no matter what I said, she wouldn’t listen and ended it, cutting off all ties with me. I’ve talked about the falling out with a few people and even mentioned it here on this site and how it took me a year to get over her and even now I still wollow in self pity from time to time over having lost her. Everyone tells me, based on my comments on her, that she was not a nice person and that I am better off without her. I can understand that and they are probably right. The problem is though, every woman I meet now, I compare to her.

When it comes to dating, it’s like I now have this benchmark that is set way too high. I’m now looking at woman and thinking… ok… she’s not as good looking as Tina. Or her figure’s not as trim and sexy as Tina’s. I know! It's like I'm looking for another Tina and I'm afraid that's probably true. Nevertheless, there’s this realisation now that there are hot beautiful women out there who will go for me. Even my workmates now think that I’m able to draw the hot chicks. It’s definitley given me a lot more confidence in myself, but the problem is I now pass over certain women, (ones I would have gone for before), simply because they are not up to Tina’s standards in the looks and personality department. I realise I could be missing out on amazing relationships because I’ve set this benchmark too high. The thing is I don’t have a clue how to lower it.

My question is, how do I lower that benchmark? For that matter, should I even lower it at all?

The more you like someone, the more physically attractive they become. Some call it rose-tinted spectacles. Call it what you like - use it to your advantage.

Talk to different women and regardless whether you find them classically pretty / good looking / pleasant / presentable / okay to look at / not repulsive, they will become the most beautiful women in the world the more you like them.

Why? Because we feel good about people we like and who like us, and we bond. The appearance of that person means to us that someone nice is in the room, and people who are nice to us are the most beautiful people in the whole world.

relationships are two way streets. it's easy to sit and think about what you did wrong when a woman leaves, but you've gotta consider all sides objectively.

you know what you did wrong, but what did she do wrong? why didn't you see it coming sooner?

a common theme amongst single people (especially women) is "work on yourself, you'll find someone that is attracted to you as you are".

but you know what? that's bullsh*t. there is no perfect woman just like there is no perfect man. you can't sit around waiting for your image of perfection to fall in your lap, it's not likely to happen. and even if it does, you'll blow it if you don't know how to keep such a person around. if you're oblivious to their concerns your red flags will drive that person away, or their red flags will go unnoticed by you until they manifest themselves and drive you away.

you have to stop thinking so much about yourself and what you did wrong, and learn to observe and react.

The more you like someone, the more physically attractive they become. Some call it rose-tinted spectacles. Call it what you like - use it to your advantage.

 

Talk to different women and regardless whether you find them classically pretty / good looking / pleasant / presentable / okay to look at / not repulsive, they will become the most beautiful women in the world the more you like them.

 

Why? Because we feel good about people we like and who like us, and we bond. The appearance of that person means to us that someone nice is in the room, and people who are nice to us are the most beautiful people in the whole world.

I dont buy it, wheter people want to admit it or not physcial attraction is a decetn sized part of a relationship

If it had nothing to do with looks and was all just mental and caring for that person and forming a bond with someone then there would be no friendships between the opposite sex because that bond alone would be strong enough to form a relationship,but its not because there has to be a raw physical animal attraction on some level

Like I said to you before, you've got this woman up on a pedestal. You have idealized her as this person you wanted her to be, when likely she was going to turn out to be someone much different than the woman you imagined her to be.

Had I walked away from my ex in the first few months, he would have been ruined. But it turns out that as soon as he saw my vulnerabilities, he decided he didn't want me anymore and I ended up being the ruined one.

You're basing all this sadness on someone you really didn't know yet.

My ex was "perfect" until we encountered a crisis, that's when you really get to know the person that you're with. It turns out that he didn't know how to be there for me and I showed him vulnerabilities that turned him off.

Someone else will come along, you just have to allow yourself to be open to it.

 

Talk to different women and regardless whether you find them classically pretty / good looking / pleasant / presentable / okay to look at / not repulsive, they will become the most beautiful women in the world the more you like them.

 

I think this is only partially true, although I see where you're going with it. For me, there really has to be a pretty high base-level attractiveness to begin with, so I would only go with the first two or three levels and probably pass over the rest. "Not repulsive" is not going to moisten my underoos no matter how great the personality is.

The way to lower the benchmark is to take Tina off the pedestal and let her go. And, think of it this way; you MAY be missing out. You MIGHT not be. If you are still able to meet women, date, and form relationships then you're doing fine. You don't have to downgrade your expectations just because you had something amazing UNLESS you are completely incapable of getting anything else... and maybe not even then.

My question is, how do I lower that benchmark? For that matter, should I even lower it at all?

Once your emotional attachment to Tina has dissipated, the relevance of a 'benchmark' will be moot. Her appearance and its currently apparent importance will fade into the nether.

That said, if you find that you tend to categorize women generally by appearance and find that such categorization isn't bringing you fulfilling relationships, you can consider re-prioritizing how you perceive women.

As you get older, and I don't mean this as a function of more life experience versus less, your feelings about such issues will change, as will your appearance and those of your contemporaries. Other factors may overshadow criteria you may now consider to be critical. Be open to change. When life stops changing you die. Good luck.

I really think you have to let go of idolizing the perception of this woman.

I'm attracted to different kinds of men for different reasons. The last guy I dated wasn't hot by most standards- a little above average, shorter, red head. I loved his sense of humour and the way we laughed together. I grew to find him gorgeous pretty quickly. I think it's a matter of giving people a chance.

The more you like someone, the more physically attractive they become. Some call it rose-tinted spectacles. Call it what you like - use it to your advantage.

 

Talk to different women and regardless whether you find them classically pretty / good looking / pleasant / presentable / okay to look at / not repulsive, they will become the most beautiful women in the world the more you like them.

 

Why? Because we feel good about people we like and who like us, and we bond. The appearance of that person means to us that someone nice is in the room, and people who are nice to us are the most beautiful people in the whole world.

I guess I need to overcome my desire of only approaching women I find physically attractive. If they come to me it’s a different story.

relationships are two way streets. it's easy to sit and think about what you did wrong when a woman leaves, but you've gotta consider all sides objectively.

 

you know what you did wrong, but what did she do wrong? why didn't you see it coming sooner?

 

but you know what? that's bullsh*t. there is no perfect woman just like there is no perfect man. you can't sit around waiting for your image of perfection to fall in your lap, it's not likely to happen. and even if it does, you'll blow it if you don't know how to keep such a person around. if you're oblivious to their concerns your red flags will drive that person away, or their red flags will go unnoticed by you until they manifest themselves and drive you away

I did see a red flag. Her overly suspicious nature and I thought to myself, mmmmm is this going to be a problem? I thought, no, of course not, because I know she has nothing to worry about. But I never expected it to blow into what it became. It kind of left me reeling and thinking WTF? How did it come to this?

I didn’t realise what a big deal it could potentially be and perhaps didn’t take as much care as what I should have. It’s definitely a learning experience. I’ve learnt that if your woman makes an issue of something, even if you know she has nothing to worry about, you need to treat it like it’s a major issue and really make sure her mind is put at ease.

you

have to stop thinking so much about yourself and what you did wrong, and learn to observe and react.

Yeah, I have trouble with that. I just beat myself up and beat myself up. Try to tell myself not to, but still do it anyway. I’m definitely one to learn from my mistakes but it still doesn’t stop me from kicking the **** out of myself for making the mistake in the first place. Forgiving myself is not something I’ve learnt to be able to do, even when I know it wasn’t all my fault.

Like I said to you before, you've got this woman up on a pedestal. You have idealized her as this person you wanted her to be, when likely she was going to turn out to be someone much different than the woman you imagined her to be.

 

Had I walked away from my ex in the first few months, he would have been ruined. But it turns out that as soon as he saw my vulnerabilities, he decided he didn't want me anymore and I ended up being the ruined one.

 

You're basing all this sadness on someone you really didn't know yet.

 

My ex was "perfect" until we encountered a crisis, that's when you really get to know the person that you're with. It turns out that he didn't know how to be there for me and I showed him vulnerabilities that turned him off.

 

Someone else will come along, you just have to allow yourself to be open to it.

Yep, and I continue to believe that will happen, it’s just that I need to be more patient.

As for the crisis point, I did kind of see it with Tina, but didn’t believe it was as serious as I thought. I took steps to put her mind at ease, but they weren’t enough. She expected things done a certain way. I did them a different way and it wasn’t good enough. Would have achieved the same ends, but not good enough. She was a horse trainer and also training up a dog at home. I can now see she was a control freak. Just wanted another pet. Wanted me to jump over the hurdle, but I went under it instead. Bad bad horsey! Off to the dog food factory with you!

I know, I know, she doesn’t deserve to be on that pedestal, but knocking her off is proving to be difficult. LOL. I am guilty of idealising her and I know it. Just wish I could be angry enough with her to throw her off that damn pedistal.

Once your emotional attachment to Tina has dissipated, the relevance of a 'benchmark' will be moot. Her appearance and its currently apparent importance will fade into the nether.

Yeah and gradually I’m getting there I think, but it’s just taking such a long bloody time!

As you get older, and I don't mean this as a function of more life experience versus less, your feelings about such issues will change, as will your appearance and those of your contemporaries. Other factors may overshadow criteria you may now consider to be critical. Be open to change. When life stops changing you die. Good luck.

I may seem like some silly teenager, but believe it or not, I’m 43. Not a lot of experience with dating, though because I married my first girlfriend who was also the first one I ever dated. All my experience has come in the last two years really. I know that my criterias have changed. The idea of my perfect women when I was 18 years old is now radically different. I think I have a better idea of what I need now, but the whole “benchmark” thing when it comes to physical beauty continues to rear its ugly head.

I really think you have to let go of idolizing the perception of this woman.

I know I do. Finding a way to do it is hard though. Letting go is something I struggle with, even though I really want to let go. The only answer seems to be time, but like with you, it feels the healing is taking too long. I’ve had chances with women since Tina, women that have rivalled her and even a couple who made her look average and during that time, Tina was knocked off the pedestal. But then later I’d discover she was back up there again. I just hope I don’t have to find that special someone first before she finally gets buried where she deserves to be.

Well, the only way to knock someone off a pedestal is to carry on focusing on all those negative things you just spoke about. The red flags, her being a control freak, the fact that she bolted at the first sign os something she didn't like.

Those are behaviours that get WORSE over time- never better.

It's like I've been telling you with my ex. I've fallen in love with the rush of those first 3 months... Yet I can't seem to accept that he was really the guy I dated for the last 2 1/2 months- the one with such a strong fear of commitment that he bolted when something serious came up between us.

Mmmm, yeah, I think I'll make a list of the negative things about her. How cold hearted she was, control freak, suspicious and all that and continue to remind myself of those things every time I think about her.

Mmmm, yeah, I think I'll make a list of the negative things about her. How cold hearted she was, control freak, suspicious and all that and continue to remind myself of those things every time I think about her.

Sometimes that involves re-directing yourself when you drift back to all the things that keep her on that pedestal.

I don't know what it was that caused the rift between you- but there must be some red flags in that situation as well.

I did see a red flag. Her overly suspicious nature and I thought to myself, mmmmm is this going to be a problem? I thought, no, of course not, because I know she has nothing to worry about. But I never expected it to blow into what it became. It kind of left me reeling and thinking WTF? How did it come to this?

 

I didn’t realise what a big deal it could potentially be and perhaps didn’t take as much care as what I should have. It’s definitely a learning experience. I’ve learnt that if your woman makes an issue of something, even if you know she has nothing to worry about, you need to treat it like it’s a major issue and really make sure her mind is put at ease.

yep, you gotta address those issues right away. that's precisely what i was getting at.

and typically by recognizing and addressing those things you will gain, not lose. they will appreciate that you pick up on their hints and moods.

Did you say in another thread what brought about the break up?

Was it the replacing the tape thing that you mentioned regarding the break in?

Did you say in another thread what brought about the break up?

Was it the replacing the tape thing that you mentioned regarding the break in?

No, the game issue was after we broke up and I went looking for it to return to her and discovered it had been one of the things burgled.

It was all to do with Facebook and facebook friends. I was part of a website relating to 80s music, TV, movies and stuff. Back in 2001. I spent a lot of time there in the forums and in the chatrooms, getting to know a lot of people - all from overseas, mainly the US. I was a regular member there right up until the time FB came along and then we all just added each other as friends. No discrimination really. But we were like an Internet community so it seemed natural for us all to add each other. Of course there were a number of women.

When I added Tina, suddenly she was checking out all these women I had as friends, looking at their photographs. She was worried about some being there, referring to a few as "Slappers" and didn't like the looks of them, especially if their details showed as "Looking for men". At that point, I thought, whoa, I don't want her worrying about that, because I'd probably be concerned if I was in her shoes. I understood. So I said to her, ok, which ones don't you like, I'll remove them, because I don't want this to be an issue between us. They mean nothing to me compared to you and I want you to be comfortable. And I meant it. So I sent them all messages explaining I had to remove them because I was in a relationship now and my lady didn't understand why I had all these friends from overseas who I'd never meet. A couple of them replied saying "That's cool. Will probably see you on the website anyway." At the time I didn't think much of it and replied back "yeah, no doubt we will." However I had no intention of going back, not after I'd promised Tina to remove these women as friends. I kept the messages saved just in case Tina wanted evidence that I'd got rid of them and figured she'd understand about the "yeah no doubt we will" because she always seemed to me to be a very rational, logical sort of woman, which I loved about her. BIG mistake!

When she saw the "yeah, no doubt we will" she automatically jumped to the conclusion that I was trying to keep them as friends behind her back. No matter what I tried to say, she wouldn't believe anything. It was like she'd made up her mind that I was a liar. No amount explaining or reasoning did any good. Even saying "Why would I show you these messages, why would I even keep them, if I was intending on going back to that website?" But nope. She couldn't or wouldn't see it.

There's a few more details, including what I can only describe as some FB bugs that only added to her concerns, (like a mysterious woman appearing on my friends list one moment and then disappearing the next and an IHearts program sending one of my female friends a heart, which I never actually sent!) but that's the general gist of it.

No, the game issue was after we broke up and I went looking for it to return to her and discovered it had been one of the things burgled.

 

It was all to do with Facebook and facebook friends. I was part of a website relating to 80s music, TV, movies and stuff. Back in 2001. I spent a lot of time there in the forums and in the chatrooms, getting to know a lot of people - all from overseas, mainly the US. I was a regular member there right up until the time FB came along and then we all just added each other as friends. No discrimination really. But we were like an Internet community so it seemed natural for us all to add each other. Of course there were a number of women.

 

When I added Tina, suddenly she was checking out all these women I had as friends, looking at their photographs. She was worried about some being there, referring to a few as "Slappers" and didn't like the looks of them, especially if their details showed as "Looking for men". At that point, I thought, whoa, I don't want her worrying about that, because I'd probably be concerned if I was in her shoes. I understood. So I said to her, ok, which ones don't you like, I'll remove them, because I don't want this to be an issue between us. They mean nothing to me compared to you and I want you to be comfortable. And I meant it. So I sent them all messages explaining I had to remove them because I was in a relationship now and my lady didn't understand why I had all these friends from overseas who I'd never meet. A couple of them replied saying "That's cool. Will probably see you on the website anyway." At the time I didn't think much of it and replied back "yeah, no doubt we will." However I had no intention of going back, not after I'd promised Tina to remove these women as friends. I kept the messages saved just in case Tina wanted evidence that I'd got rid of them and figured she'd understand about the "yeah no doubt we will" because she always seemed to me to be a very rational, logical sort of woman, which I loved about her. BIG mistake!

 

When she saw the "yeah, no doubt we will" she automatically jumped to the conclusion that I was trying to keep them as friends behind her back. No matter what I tried to say, she wouldn't believe anything. It was like she'd made up her mind that I was a liar. No amount explaining or reasoning did any good. Even saying "Why would I show you these messages, why would I even keep them, if I was intending on going back to that website?" But nope. She couldn't or wouldn't see it.

 

There's a few more details, including what I can only describe as some FB bugs that only added to her concerns, (like a mysterious woman appearing on my friends list one moment and then disappearing the next and an IHearts program sending one of my female friends a heart, which I never actually sent!) but that's the general gist of it.

Can I be 100% honest with you? You dodged a crazy controlling woman.

Under no circumstances would I ever ask a man to delete his fb friends. I wouldn't even think to look though his friendlist.

I dated my ex for almost 6 months and never even looked at his friend list.

She was looking for a reason to NOT get involved- that had nothing to do with you.

Can I be 100% honest with you? You dodged a crazy controlling woman.

You are probably right. I still wish I could feel good about that though.

Under no circumstances would I ever ask a man to delete his fb friends. I wouldn't even think to look though his friendlist.

She didn't actually ask me too, it was more me that volunteered, but she had kind of made a big deal about it and couldn't understand my reasoning for them being there - she seemed to have the mindset that FB should be for "real world" friends. To me it seemed like the only thing to do to keep her happy.

She was looking for a reason to NOT get involved- that had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, I even accused her of that later on. "you were looking for conspiracies right from the beginning". She'd been hurt by so many guys in the past she'd lost all her trust for men. It really bites, because I know I wouldn't have let her down, but as far as she was concerned I was just another one of those jerks. I got lumped in with them. That sux.

The ironic thing is, if she had never been hurt by all those guys, I'd probably have never met her anyway, because she'd have been in a good relationship, not on a dating website.

You are probably right. I still wish I could feel good about that though.

 

She didn't actually ask me too, it was more me that volunteered, but she had kind of made a big deal about it and couldn't understand my reasoning for them being there - she seemed to have the mindset that FB should be for "real world" friends. To me it seemed like the only thing to do to keep her happy.

 

Yeah, I even accused her of that later on. "you were looking for conspiracies right from the beginning". She'd been hurt by so many guys in the past she'd lost all her trust for men. It really bites, because I know I wouldn't have let her down, but as far as she was concerned I was just another one of those jerks. I got lumped in with them. That sux.

 

The ironic thing is, if she had never been hurt by all those guys, I'd probably have never met her anyway, because she'd have been in a good relationship, not on a dating website.

You dodged a bullet big time.

She WAS seeking reasons to make things NULL and VOID.

For crying out loud, don't let this woman affect you in the way you've been letting her.