The thin line between love & hate + burning bridges and breaking NC

[silvermane187]

Very true. When I saw that picture of my ex with another guy I didn't think "wow I sure hope she isn't bonding with him on an emotional level and talking about her childhood and feelings:rolleyes:". I thought about him putting his hand on her. In any way. My cave man yelled out inside my head "THATS MINE" and I mildly lost it. After she said they were just friends I still couldn't stop thinking about him touching her. This caveman instinct is more prevalent in an abuser like your ex, even if he was the one that dumped you.

[1784]

Yup. It's really amazing how much we can attribute a lot of our instinctual behaviors back to primal instincts. You'd think we would have evolved more by now - lol.

[Jerrica]

the whole territorial thing is quite interesting!! Yet doesn't make much sense, to me anyways but probably because I'm a woman. If you don't want to be with someone, then how can you get mad at them for moving on?

 

I DON'T have a boyfriend.......I'm not seeing anybody or gave any inclination to him that I am, he just drew this assumption up in his own irrational brain, i just didn't deny it or admit it. I guess he must think that I'm not strong enough to move on all on my own and so I MUST have a new boyfriend already!

 

Are you guys saying that for men, even if they are the ones to break up with the girl, seeing her move on and be okay with everything will draw an automatic assumption in your head that she's already got someone else? Then your imaginations run wild with this imagining his hands on her and stuff? hmmm male psychology is very interesting.

 

Silver, I'm so happy to hear that you've only called her an idiot once. Verbal abuse is never fun, although I have been learning not to let it faze me because all the names he calls me are CLEARLY not true! I can understand why you are angry with your ex, and wish you could say all those things to her, but it takes a very mature person to NOT act on that anger and release it in other constructive ways (such as posting on LS) so Bravo to you for controlling your anger in a mature way wish my ex could do that...

[MovingOn13]

Oddly enough...today marks our 3 month break up and NC. To my surprise i freaking saw her today!

 

I was eating lunch with two girls when one of them says "look at that cute dog" i turn around...see the dog then look up and its my ex. She was a good 20ft away or more so i dont think she noticed i saw her.

 

It has set me back a bit. It was just weird and saddening that i cant go up to her and act the way we used to...i.e. the banter, physical play, etc.

 

My girlfriends suggested i go say hey but i dont want to bother with the small talk of hey how are you. I dont want friendship either. To me at this stage it would just be fake and damaging. I was doing so well and then this set me back a bit.

 

Funny what life throws at you.

[silvermane187]

I just got back from a great drunken night with family and friends. i miss her so god damn much it makes me sick. I hate my life.

[silvermane187]

I barely remember writing that. I really have to stop drinking. Even when I have a good night I end up thinking about her once I'm alone and get all emo.. So yea, no more drinking!

 

@movingon

 

Damn dude that must have felt like a dagger. It sounds like you handled yourself well. Don't know what else to say.

[Jerrica]

Silver - how many days NC are you?

 

Just keep talking positively to yourself. Remember you lived without her before you can live without her again

[silvermane187]

Last contact was when I told her off...the day before I made this thread. So like...50 days? Too hungover to do simple math.

[Jerrica]

do you feel like maybe if you had started NC out with you guys on good terms it might be easier and you wouldn't feel so much hate? Maybe you're having such a hard time because you don't like the way you left things? Just a thought.....but what do I know I'm only on day 4 NC since my ex went on a name calling rampage. I know for me, I would love an apology from him but I'm not gonna hold my breath.

 

But I do know that if I know in my heart I did nothing wrong, there's nothing to feel bitter about and although I miss him TERRIBLY, I can peacefully move on.

 

I also think it's a lot about forgiveness, if you can find it in you to forgive yourself and forgive her, you will find peace with the situation maybe stay away from alcohol for awhile?

[ccfan]

@moving on:

Oh man.... you just lived my darkest dream, i´m fearing the day i´ll bump into my ex and how I am going to react, the best bet is to do what you did -if you can- to avoid any contact unless it´s inevitable, but in your case you did. Your friends were giving you the worst of advises in telling to go to her and say hello .... NEVER do that!!! (unless that day you were hanging with Alessandra Ambrosio that is).

 

If i bump into mine i hope i´ll be able to cut off her hugs and loud talking (thats her style) and say "all is fine" and got to go.... God knows how i will reach that day. It´s totally normal that you feel a setback with this.. try to see it as another test you had to take in the path of healing, please whatever you do DO NOT let this open a search into her life kind of thing.. do not google her, or go to FB or anything.. just try (i know it´s hard) to keep on your path... and remember... we are here to listen.

 

@Jerrica

I know it´s hard to had a bad break up, sorry you had to go thru that... but the thing about "good" break ups is that for the one who is dumped there will always be the interpretation that there is hope, while the other person has probably started seeing someone else... also in my case she dumped me saying how special i am an even went as far as to tell me that men like me "only existed in fairy tales" and then dumped me.. well, that "beautiful" break up did more harm than good and the anger came later as when time passed by i really realized how she treated me like garbage over and over and over again... i´m in the anger stage now... and can´t let go... hopefully time will take that virus out of my system.

 

Like you said it´s all about forgiveness, i´m not there yet but that´s the path for sure.

 

@silver

well... not rocking that hard brother, but at least having a good time with work (just finished a scoretrack for a movie)... so that helps to keep the demons locked up... until i´m alone trying to sleep that is.. (my worse moment of the day, alone with the mornings).. doing tons of exercise like you recommended as well... feel better this way.

 

I would strongly suggest that you should go cold turkey on the drinking for now man, because every drunken night is a night you let her memories take over you and it doesn´t help that you wake up with a hangover and feel weak, hence, thinking about her again...

 

Did you buy those books from amazon that we talked about? i bought two, as soon as i read them i´ll let you know if they were helpful.

 

We are going to climb out of hell guys, stay strong.

[1784]

@1784. Wait, there was no "@1784". Boooo!

 

Just kidding ; )

[ccfan]

@1784. Wait, there was no "@1784". Boooo!

 

Just kidding ; )

 

You are right and your posts are REALLY good so here i go!!

 

@1784 !!!!!!

 

Two things you said are pure gold: one using the anger in a productive way (i kind of went to the dark side for a few days thinking in ways to get a revenge, but then i realized i don´t want or need that kind of karma in my life) shes the one that did wrong but she´s convinced in her head that she did nothing wrong so either way as much as i´d love to have a revenge on her it´s better just to cut the losses and move on.

 

Another thing you said is that there´s no secret answer or anything to look at this point. I could not agree more, probably all of us here have talked to everyone, googled the internet upside down, being here in LS (more than we should, btw) so on and so on.... and as we have noticed , after certain point there´s nothing new or a magic approach that will get us out of this hell... just time and willpower with a solid non negociable NC.

 

Eventually all of us here, will start dating... and in a few years we´ll barely remember the exes that today seem like they have total control of our lives... that´s a promise.

[silvermane187]

@jerrica

 

I do feel a little guilty about telling her off like I did. To be fair it WAS an idiot move to invite my friend to her bday party. I considered apologizing for blowing up at her before, but at this point I'm scared that breaking NC just to say sorry would just set me back again. I've made too much progress in the past month to throw it away. I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive her for dumping me the way she did. The first time after we got back together I told her to be honest with me about her feelings so we could work things out, yet she hid them then dropped an atom bomb in the middle of my universe out of nowhere. I don't believe she deserves my forgiveness for the pain she put me through. I deserved better than that.

 

@ccfan

 

Good to hear your work is going well. Exercise is good. I almost met my new years goal of a 12 minute 1.5 mile last week. Not the highest of goals but considering I couldn't run it in 15 minutes 6 months ago it's not bad. I was going to go to the gym yesterday but a friend asked me to go out for a few drinks. A few too many would be a better way to put it. I'm not going to touch alcohol for a couple weeks at least. Back to the gym today as well. I haven't look at any self help or break up books. I want my reading time to be spent as a distraction from my life. I've gone through a couple awesome war books in the past month. Aside from being very interesting and full of life lessons they help me keep everything in perspective. I'd appriciate it if you would share any wisdom you gain from them though.

[silvermane187]

Tick tock tick tock...these last few minutes of the work day always take the longest:eek:. I can't wait to get to the gym. I'm going to sweat out this hangover then meet up with a friend and go to the Yankees game. Should be a good night. No drinking.

 

I think tomorrow I might write a little about my faults as a person. Writing it down and getting some feed back from you fine folks should be helpful for making some more positive changes.

 

I figured out why I was so depressed last night and today. I visited my friends house before the game and he lives in my ex's neighbourhood. I walked right past her apartment twice, plus all the old hangouts we had. At the time I just swept it under the rug, but 8 hours later with 10 beers in me it finally hit me.

 

Good night ladies & gentlemen

[silvermane187]

Time for another rant...

 

Well last night was a good night. Went to the gym and set a new personal record. My knee is still bothering me a little bit but it's almost back to 100%. Met my an old friend I hadn't seen in years at the stadium, our tickets were free and really good, we got free drinks and food because he used to work there. It was his birthday and we both had a great time joking around and catching up. I might go play some beer league baseball with his team and show them what's up. It would be a nice little ego boost to dominate a bunch of casuals after giving up the sport a few years ago. Too bad I wasn't drinking or I could have gotten an unlimited amount of free beer. I got home at a reasonable hour and got a solid 7 hours sleep.

 

Yet I woke up today and I'm just as depressed as I was a couple months ago. I'm stuck in this rut and even though I'm doing all the right things I can't seem to crawl my way out. Sitting in this office 40 hours a week dealing with mortgages or life insurance makes me want to jump off a building. I have no idea what I want to do with my life so I just keep up the routine because the money isn't too bad and I know there are far worse jobs out there. No wonder my ex felt trapped, my own feelings of being trapped in this meaningless life must have rubbed off on to her. I've been this way as long as I can remember so I can't blame her for getting sick of it after a few years. I can't shake the thought that this entire rat race is a waste of time. I have no ambition. For years I let my ex be the most important thing in my life, and I was happy to live that way because she was the only thing that gave my life a purpose. Now I'm back to feeling trapped and lost all the time with no reason to get up in the morning other than making lower middle class money and my own personal entertainment...I'm just sick and tired of my life in general.

 

I don't mean to come off as some young white male spoiled middle class first world whining bitch...I know compared to billions of other people that have lived I have it pretty good...I have my health, my family, my security, enough money to live comfortably and entertain myself...but what's the point?

 

Just one of those days...

[ccfan]

Silver,

 

Sorry you are having a bad day brother... i´ve had a few of them myself as we are in a holiday here and like we talked about the demons go wild.

 

You know... i had a talk the other day with a friend of mine that had a relationship with a famous actress here and she cheated on him with his best friend, basically this guy almost went clinically insane... i told him about being 7 months and still be hurting and he told me a couple things that helped me feel better and hope will help you.

 

1. 7 months isn´t that long when healing of a codependent relationship, he even suggested it can go for a year and a half (hopefully not) , and that still would be considered normal.

 

2. It´s very unlikely that we´ll go thru a experience this bad again because this shock has set a precedent on our minds and we´ll see the red flags sooner and take action when it´s appropiate.

 

3. Never ever , ever... break NC for no reason

 

4. it´s inevitable to heal... it´s going to happen whether we like it or not.

 

These are words by a guy that lost both his girl and his "best friend" at once by them f"#$%&ing eachother regulary, so he has much, much worse memories than we have to say the least... remember those WWII stories how so many people have endured and prevailed in situations that seemed hopless, this is similar in the relationship front.

 

Today he has a great girl, doesn´t see or pay attention to any new movie of the slut/actress she had for a girl ... and oh... she eventually came back to him, he sent her to hell.

 

Hope this helps silver, stay strong brother.

Edited April 21, 2011 by ccfan

[giveittofate]

ccfan,

 

thanks for sharing that...poor dude endured hell it seems.

 

4. it´s inevitable to heal... it´s going to happen whether we like it or not.

^that's uplifting, and I got to remember not to expect for all my feelings and pain to completely fade away in 5 months.

 

well, yesterday I had the MUCH DREADED run in with the ex at a local lounge/bar. My friend was promoting a party there and my other friend was dj'ing it...it has been 4 months since we saw each other (4 months ago it ended with me spilling my feelings to her and asking for her back) and 2 months of total NC...when I saw her I remember what you guys said about either leaving or keeping your distance and ignoring them, but her friend came up to me and said how much she missed me and that bs,to break the awkwardness...anyways I saw her sitting with her cousin, so I man'd up and said hello...i kept it light hearted and cracked some jokes...it lasted about 10 mins, we had some laughs, exchanged a few smiles and so on...she explained how her heart was beating like 500mph when she first saw me (crumbs)...and I said i felt comfortable talking with her (even though I taken back and a little deer in headlights...luckily i had a few drinks) I wasnt drunk but a little buzzed.

 

so yeah, I think I carryed myself well...I didn't bring up anything from the past, I laughed a lot, didn't try to carry it on too long, and didnt try to approach her again the whole night...i even saw her talking to some guido dude...to be honest it didn't hurt so much... it just felt unnatural to look at...stung a little

 

my only problem is now of course she's been on my mind all night when i got home and all night now...it's not so much painful, just like a nervous anxious feeling in my stomach....like a little nauseous...her birthday is in 2 days, and part of me wants to wish her a happy birthday,yet I know there's no reason i should, as she DIDN'T wish me a merry christmas, happy new year, or ever real show compassion to me except for one week long crumbs episode (where she tried to come across as not a cold hearted bitch) and I pretty much did the opposite to show i cared during those times.......it pisses me off that after 2 months NC this ordeal happens and I'm contemplating texting her when I know I shouldnt, I've been soooo good for 60 plus days...damn you heart.

 

well,I guess I wanted to share that experience...and that yes it set me back some,but i survived and didn't lose my cool or breakdown when I saw her...I'm happy for that...i guess i'm just looking for some reminders of why texting her happy bday wont do sh*t for me except make me worse off (even though i know its wrong,hearing it from you guys will make me feel much better)

 

cheers to a good weekend for us all

[ccfan]

Giveit.

 

Sounds like you handle it right brother, I´m dreading that day and i´m SO sure my ex will try to get me on the hook again with crumbs like you ex did. Either way as far as she goes you are doing great without her, you didn´t take the bait of "my heart was racing when i saw you-thing" so that was a good move... it would have been perfect if you didn´t stay 10 minutes but just 30 seconds, but who know how will i react when my time comes.

 

Now onto your actual situation: i think it´s nothing but normal (sadly) that you feel a set back with what happened to you, it´s not easy to see face to face with someone who you used to love and treated you like that... please whatever you do DO NOT break NC, keep on your path to healing, DO NOT send her a happy birthday message of any kind, let her know by your absence that you are alright and well. Kuddos to you for handling this so well man, even when you saw her talking to that guido....

 

I´m also having a horrible day here, last night i had dinner with my parents and the very first thing the brought in the conversation was that the ex was having a new tv show on wednesday, and so on... needless to say i pretended that it didn´t bother me but they saw that i ate very little and talked even less... i have told them before not to tell me anything about her and they still do, so like in soccer this is a yellow card... but if they do it again it will be a red card, and i´ll cut communication with them for a while to see if they finally get the message.

 

So last night all hell broke loose in my head remembering all the things, the flirting with other guys, her fake good nature and so on... i had to take a xanax and go to sleep, but it didn´t do much.. today i´m still really angry and reliving how she treated me like garbage, and a part of me is pushing me to get even... i´m going out with a friend now that knows my story and hope that helps to center me a little.... all this mess courtesy of my family... ironic.....

 

Hope this helps but i also in my desperation last night i called my other friend, lets call him "Jim" the one that her best friend screwed hist actress GF repeatedly... he told me in a calmed way (hope this helps you as well) that i wasn´t back in day one of the break up that i simply had a set back... and that it was normal, that helped a little bit as i was really down about it.

 

I feel sleepy and down today, and don´t want to answer calls from my parents, i guess this is a medium set back that hopefully will go away... hopefully

 

Let´s keep the faith in good times and memories comming to us... this hell is not lasting forever, and like Jim said: it´s inevitably to heal.

Edited April 22, 2011 by ccfan

[giveittofate]

yeah, I'm pretty happy with the way I handled myself, and despite her only deserving a few seconds of my time, it just felt ok to have a very casual conversation...but I must say it was quite confusing to my emotions to be looking her in the eyes and communicating face to face with her again since it's been soooo long...i actually truly didn't get real freaked with her talking to that guido (yes it's something I def could have went without seeing, yet I could tell he seemed like a typical club *******...and def wouldnt bring fun into her life like I could)...and your right ccfan, of course that would set me back...i'm sure it would set back ANYONE who went through a tough breakup like all of us, so I should just accept it's nothing to be sad or mad about, yet just another obstacle in my way to freedom from her still having an impact on my life.

 

 

cc, nice soccer analogy with the cards haha, but for real they should respect your decision to not hear her name anymore...i totally have been there too where you're about to enjoy a nice meal and the something sets off that trigger of emotions and 2 bites of food is more than filling...that anxious/upset feeling in your stomach is so horrible....sorry to hear of your crappy day man, but everyone needs a day here and there to sulk and gather themselves a bit...you should call this friend more often to give you advice or a pick me up, since he's been through a hell hopefully none of us have to endure ever...and he made it out eventually.

 

well here's to a good weekend for you man...instead of thinking of all the bad times with your ex or just your ex in general, try thinking of the future when you're completely healed and meet that new girl that gives you that GOOD feeling in your chest of love, not despair and sadness...hey I know it seems like that day may be far away, but you never know when opportunity will present itself, so stay as positive as possible man...i know it's not that easy and trust me I'm right here next to you in this battle we'll eventually win.

[silvermane187]

1. 7 months isn´t that long when healing of a codependent relationship, he even suggested it can go for a year and a half (hopefully not) , and that still would be considered normal.

 

That's good to hear. I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. I'm just so sick of wanting her back all the time. Even when I hate her I want her back. Which makes me hate myself for not being able to get over it...

 

2. It´s very unlikely that we´ll go thru a experience this bad again because this shock has set a precedent on our minds and we´ll see the red flags sooner and take action when it´s appropiate.

 

Ain't that the truth. I know for a fact I'll never be so blindly in love that I won't notice the red flags popping up again.

 

3. Never ever , ever... break NC for no reason

 

I know...I've been considering contacting her just to apologize for telling her off last time we talked, but I know it would just do more harm than good.

 

4. it´s inevitable to heal... it´s going to happen whether we like it or not.

 

I hope so. I have my doubts but it's good to hear. Thanks for the support. I hope you're doing well. You are very lucky to have a friend who can fully relate to your problems and give you advice.

[silvermane187]

Just thought I'd pop in and say I've had an alright long weekend. I haven't left my apartment since Thursday because I needed some alone time to just relax. The warm weather is bringing back lots of memories. I seem to be handling it a lot better lately. Sometimes I wonder what she's doing now that she is done school. At the same time I don't want to know and know I'll never hear from her again. A few months ago that thought would have sent me in to mini break down mode. It feels good to make progress.

 

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend and warmer weather.

[silvermane187]

Few random thoughts this morning. I'm starting to understand why it's going to take at least a year to recover from this. With every new month there are new memories that pop in to my head that I had forgotten about from the same month a year ago. Today it was the day we went apartment hunting for her. The first two years of our relationship were 75% long distance, she switched schools to live in the same city as me. I remember being so full of life and hope and happiness that day. The complete opposite of how I feel now. I get a lump in my throat everytime I think about it. I just had to write it down to get it out of my head.

[giveittofate]

keep venting man...whatever helps ease the pain and helps in the recovery process is a great thing.

 

Luckily (for me atleast) all the major holidays are done for a while now, as well as her bday, so those triggers won't be around anytime soon...I know those were def my weakest, saddest moments...but silver what you said about taking a year to recover, makes a lot of sense to me....every month you can attribute a new memory to that time frame...for instance last may we were apartment hunting for my ex as well, last june looking into cruises, last july our first yr anniversary...totally makes sense man

[silvermane187]

The cycle continues. Yesterday was intense sad missing her day while being mad at myself for feeling that way. Today is mildly angry and bitter at her day while feeling good about myself for being able to love someone that much. This morning when I think of her I can just utter a few curses and move on to the next thought. The occasional sentimental thought creps in but nothing overwhelming thanks to the bitterness taking the edge off. I can work with this...

Edited April 26, 2011 by silvermane187

[giveittofate]

sorry to hear you're on the downward spiral of the roller coaster ride...happens to us all bud.

 

let me ask silver are you at the point where you look at other girls and become attracted or can even see yourself with another girl? or is that still quite a while away? I'm to the point where one day I get excited at the idea of being with a new girl and treated right and having my love returned, then somedays I feel I'm no where close to dating, or even wanting to for that matter