The thin line between love & hate + burning bridges and breaking NC

[1784]

Use AdBlockPlus for Firefox (add-on). You'll never see them again ; )

[silvermane187]

Oh I know, I've had adblock on my pc for years. The problem is 90% of the time I'm on this site is at work and I can't install it on the work PC. I'm stuck with an add on free 5 year old version of IE.

[1784]

Damnit!!! I thought we had a winner.

[MovingOn13]

Damn this week already has been especially tough. Its been three months and the situations still dominates my mind and still affects my attitude.

 

I know there is no timeline for these things but damn i feel like **** lately.

 

I am feeling the loss of the girl and the loss of a friend but i do not have the urge to contact her or to chase her...i simply wish i just didn't care. Forgetting her is completely out of the question, like someone said we helped shape each others lives. Indifference is where i want to be but the pain still persists.

 

I was going to the gym regularly but i tweaked my back and now i cant train...but i am getting checked out friday...so hopefully after that ill be able to train and get the good endorphins rolling. I gotta climb out of this hole.

[silvermane187]

Me too for all of the above. I was feeling good the past couple days but for some reason I feel like **** again now. I just want to forget. My knee is still kind of bothering me so I've been avoiding the gym again. Sucks. Tomorrow I'll test it out...

 

:/

[1784]

You will climb out of this hole, MovingOn13. You know why? Because you have the desire to do so. That's the first step. A lot of people linger in this "I don't know what to do" stage for a long time. Depends on the person. But you've already begun to heal. It's just harder for you to see it.

 

There are other things besides working out. I know that getting the old endorphins kicking helps but anything that occupies your mind is going to be therapeutic. You can get lost in just about anything (preferably healthy habits) as long as it interests you. Books, organizations, crafts, movies, video games, writing, travel, pets, etc. The possibilities are endless. Until your back is better I suggest that you find another outlet for your healing.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a shi**y time lately. If it helps any, I'm not exactly on the Log Floom either. Just keep at it. Keep busy. Stay occupied. You'll be alright.

 

I'm pulling for ya.

 

-1784

[silvermane187]

Now whenever I start to feel that hole in my heart I remember the first few days after the breakup. Sure this sucks, but compared to where I was 6 months ago it doesn't compare. I can actually enjoy my hobbies for an extended period of time. I remember a week after the breakup there was a crazy once in a life time sporting event involving my favourite athlete. I was so messed up in the head that seeing it happen actually made me break down because of the fact I didn't have her to share it with. Now whenever something special happens I can just shrug it off and say it was her choice and there is nothing I could do to get her back. Occasionally I can even think about other girls and not instantly be jolted back to a memory of my ex.

 

Still...

Edited April 13, 2011 by silvermane187

[silvermane187]

I'm going to ignore that last drunken post...

 

Feeling like **** again for some reason today. The rollercoaster continues. I actually made it through a minute or two this morning before she popped in to my head. That was nice. Hearing all of my friends finishing university has been a little bit of a trigger lately though. It reminds me of all the plans we had for this summer and the rest of the year. Mainly a euro trip. All down the drain. Quite depressing. Gives me that hollow feeling in my chest that I haven't felt since the last time I contacted her a month ago. Brings back that thought that I was nothing but a university project to her. Another check mark on the bucket list.

 

I can't wait for this to all be over.

Edited April 14, 2011 by silvermane187

[1784]

1- don't start telling yourself sh*t that isn't true like "Brings back that thought that I was nothing but a university project to her." You have to realize how much this kind of self-talk affects your psyche. You had what you had. I'm sure it was good while it lasted or else you wouldn't have been there. Give it (the time) the respect it deserves and leave it be.

 

2- My ex, when last we spoke, was telling me about all of these plans that she has for vacations. She's going with her sister and Mom to Spain next month. She's going to Alaska later in the year with a friend of hers. Sure, it doesn't feel real good to know that she's making plans without me but you DO know what we have to do, right? That's right. Fill in the void with our own plans. Our own lives. There's no excuse. We can't blame them for living. We can only blame ourselves for not.

 

We think too much, you and I ; ) I can't wait for it to be over either. One way or another. I'm tired of wading in this muck.

[silvermane187]

1. You're 100% right. I know I have to get rid of any negative thoughts like that. I was good for a couple days this week, just seem to be back down in another rut since yestreday. I try to let it be as much as possible. It just runs deep. I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up to my brain. Sometimes my brain will get dragged down in the process. I've always been very hard on myself when it comes to expectations. I don't set them high for very many things so when one of the few things I had high hopes for blows up in my face it hits me harder than the average person. I need to learn how to give myself a break. Thanks for the reminder though.

 

2. For me it's not that shes out living her life that bothers me. Good for her, honestly. I hope she finds herself and does great things and lives a happy life. When I heard shes having a hard time with the breakup it just fills me with disgust and anger. Logically it makes no sense to me that she would dump me without trying to work it out if she was just going to have a hard time with it. It's the dissapointment that creeps up on me that is the hardest to handle. It starts out from a small random trigger then snowballs until it becomes almost overwhelming. A lot fo the time I can handle it fine with distractions. It hits me the hardest when I'm at work like now. I just feel like, whats the point of all this? I was too dependant on her for giving my life a purpose. I'm doing my best to fill the void but I haven't been able to find anything yet. You can't force a sqaure block into a round hole. That's what all of my coping devices have been so far.

 

 

Oh well, baby steps.

[silvermane187]

Last night I had a weird dream where I was talking to myself logically about why I should just get over this. Left me feeling quite odd this morning. Other than that I find myself missing her again today. No triggers or anything, just having random memories pop in to my head out of the blue. I don't like being so conflicted on a daily basis. Somebody slap me.

[silvermane187]

Now I'm back to hating her guts. This is what it must feel like to be on your period.

 

weeeee the rollercoaster continues!

[1784]

I don't think I'll ever hate her but I sure have been going in and out of anger. I think some of this was pent up and some of it was a result of the breakup. Either way I know we need to get rid of it productively.

[silvermane187]

How can you not hate someone you loved that betrayed your trust? To me it seems like the only way to feel.

 

Lots of triggers about her today. Had to pass through an area she used to live a couple years ago, so many memories.

 

My sister mentioned that she still had my ex'sphone number in her phone. I told her "I tihnk you just ruined my night". She scoffed. I said I never want to hear about my ex again. Number was deleted and hopefully she is never mentioned to me again. Nobody in my life seems to understand. Makes me feel like a pathetic weakling for still caring about it.

 

I've been drinking too much and not working out enough the past week. Time to shape up again starting monday.

[ccfan]

Hey guys... finally got a chance to get back in here, work has been intense...

 

Silver, i too totally hate when family members bring my ex in a conversation like it´s nothing, they do it to me a lot, and one time i had to be really upset and told the not to talk about her, they don´t know how mean she was to me, i just limited to say that she wasn´t a good person, but still they bring her up, and friends too... i´m afraid of the time when her new crappy tv show starts airing because all the people mentioning they saw her there... not easy stuff i know.

 

You really have to make clear to everyone around you that you don´t want to hear from her, and next time they do, after you told them this... you might want to bring something up that they hate, so they won´t do it again... believe me that works wonders in training some people. hopefully you will not have to go that far.

 

But sometimes in a sense i feel like when people mention my ex it´s an exercise for me to be stronger and after they mention her see how quick can i shake the comment off and the the info they given me, trying to be quicker and quicker everytime... its hard and most of times it can ruin as much as a week for me... my goal is to be upset only for 30 minutes after her being mentioned... hopefully someday i´ll achieve that.

 

oh and as a quick repport on the anti depressants: they certainly are doing their work, but ever since i´m taking them i wake up like at 3am very angry at my ex... i know that being angry and overexited is a well documented side efect, so i´m still balancing out if i´m better off with or without them. Still too soon to tell.

 

Yes, less booze and more exercise! i´m doing an "steve prefontaine" this week and will run everyday, since i have a week off.

 

Stay strong guys.... they dumped us, they wanted us out of their lives, they moved on and didn´t look back... lets not forget that.

Edited April 17, 2011 by ccfan

[heartnsol]

Hating my ex has done wonders for me. For a long time I couldn't hate her, I just couldn't find it in me. I'd remember how wonderful of a person she was for three years, how much she did for me and loved me, how perfect for each other we were. But as more time passed, and I started to slowly get over her, the feelings of longing were replaced by hatred. She cheated on me, begged for forgiveness and then dumped me for the guy she cheated with. What could I feel, besides hatred? And the more you hate a person, the less you are sad that they are not with you. I know the saying "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference", but before you get to indifference, you have to feel something, and for me it's been hatred.

[ccfan]

Hating my ex has done wonders for me. For a long time I couldn't hate her, I just couldn't find it in me. I'd remember how wonderful of a person she was for three years, how much she did for me and loved me, how perfect for each other we were. But as more time passed, and I started to slowly get over her, the feelings of longing were replaced by hatred. She cheated on me, begged for forgiveness and then dumped me for the guy she cheated with. What could I feel, besides hatred? And the more you hate a person, the less you are sad that they are not with you. I know the saying "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference", but before you get to indifference, you have to feel something, and for me it's been hatred.

 

Spot on. As we discussed at the beginning of this thread im not Gandhi so i cannot wish nor feel wonderful things to someone who repeatedly treated me like garbage. I think it´s silly and unrealistic the politically correct route of wishing well to someone who was mean beyond belief to you. It´s not healthy and like you said it´s better in order to heal to realize what kind of person she was and try to move on as soon as possible.

 

If your ex is like mine she´d minimize the bad things she did and tried to bait you into becoming "best friends ever" .... hence keeping power over us even after the relationship is over. Of course no friend/no Contact is the answer here

Edited April 17, 2011 by ccfan

[silvermane187]

hey ccfan, good to hear from you. hopefully you haven't been rocking out TOO hard.

 

I think I finally made it clear to my sister that I never want to hear about her again. I mean saying "I never want to hear about her again" is pretty clear, right?

 

You guys are right about the hate. For the first 4 months after the break up I did nothing but wish her well and even told her I'd be there for her if she needed me. All it did was make me remember how much I cared for her. The hate is a nice hammer to have when you need to beat down the feelings of missing her. I'm still waiting for the indifference to kick in. I doubt it will ever truley take over 100%, I'll have to keep the hate hammer as a trump card for a long long time.

 

Last night I had a dream she was making out with some random guy. I would actually call it a nightmare because I woke up with my heart pounding and took 20 minutes to fall back asleep. I haven't had a nightmare since I was a little kid.

 

Here's hoping for a healthy week. Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially... God knows we need one.

[silvermane187]

6 months and 13 days. That's how long it's taken me to make it to the bathroom in the morning without thinking about her. That's about 10 minutes this morning where she didn't dominate my thought.

 

I was doing alright for the rest of the morning. A couple random memories hit me in the gut but nothing unusual. I tried to focus on the money I have to send to my sister today and what I'm going to do at the gym tonight. Then I got to my desk at work and was met with this lovely daily quote:

 

” Sometimes success is better measured in smiles received, giggles heard, and hands held, than in dollars earned, deadlines met, and kilos shed.”

~Mike Dooley

 

Normally I don't even read these ****ing quotes. The one day I actually look at it it kicks me in the balls and makes me want to jump off a bridge. FML and **** whoever this hippie mike dooley is.

[1784]

G'mornin', Silvermane. I hope you and Mike Dooley are having a pleasant breakfast together - lol. Being force-fed quotes is bad enough but ESPECIALLY when they're coming from a Mike Dooley. Take your smiles, your hands held and your giggles... and stuff them up your arse. ; )

 

If you want my opinion, Silvermane, it's this.. stop measuring your progress. Every day you wake up and pay attention to how long you think of your ex. It's become a ritual for you. It is now a fixture of your morning habits. Stop. Please. You may think of her or you may not. It doesn't matter. It's not a sign of things to come or not. It doesn't mean you're not healing. Stop judging yourself and let your thoughts be. Think of it as seeing your toothbrush. It's there, you recognize it but you don't think about it. If you start do do this with thoughts of your ex eventually they'll dissipate and finally go away. I promise you this. Just leave them be. If they're there, they're there. If they're not, they're not. Don't force it either way. By measuring yourself every morning and then coming here and writing about it YOU are keeping them alive. Just let then happen and move on to the next thing without a care in the world.

 

This will work.

[silvermane187]

Thanks 1784 I needed that. ****ing Mike Dooley. Who is that guy anyway? And where the hell were his quotes when my relationship was going well but I was unemployed? It's funny how things work out sometimes.

 

I know what you're saying about not obsessing over it. Believe me I try to channel my inner John Lennon and let it be. I mean... you're right that thinking about it so much isn't helping, but the fact of the matter is even if I don't post about it here I'm STILL going to be thinking about it. figured venting here is better than burying it constantly. I tried ignoring it for MONTHS before I started this thread with no success. Now I feel a little better after every venting post I make here. If it wasn't for Dooley it would have been a short and sweet victory post about my progress. It's only been 3 or 4 mornings that I woke up to without her in my head. Give me a couple more weeks to measure my progress before we start to label it a ritual.

 

 

Dooley aside, I'm pretty happy with my day to day progress. It made a big difference being able to spend my first 10 waking moments thinking about politics and baseball and friends instead of having a giant sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sure the idea of her being a distant memory is a little bit sad, but the taste of relief I got for 10 minutes this morning is so much better.

[1784]

I know what you're saying, silvermane. Venting is cool. It's good for you. It's better than keeping it inside. I think you should just try and ignore it for a week, though. Seriously. I meant what I said about it becoming a ritual. LS becomes habitual to a certain extent. Instead of it being something that you just visit now and again you sort of count on it. You rely upon it. I still haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

 

Everyone is different. I know that the more I think about my ex, well, the more I think about my ex. If I woke up to her in my head (which I do) and then planned on writing about it on LS I know she'd remain on my mind. Then getting responses to my writings would keep her on my mind. See what I mean? If you were to spend your day thinking about bananas, writing about bananas, trying to figure everything out about bananas, guess what you'd probably dream about and wake up to? Monkeys. lol. No, BANANAS! I just happen to think we have a lot more control over this than we think we do.

 

When psychologists talk about 'distraction' they're not kidding around. Distraction seems like a way of avoiding a problem. It doesn't offer you any answers. There comes a point, though, when you're not going to find any more answers. You're not going to understand any more. And if you don't LET yourself heal, by stepping away from it, you won't heal any further. I sense that you're at a pretty good place right now. You just need to shake off the lingering effects of it. If a few minutes of every morning is what's troubling you (thinking of her) then I think you're on the cusp of freedom. Just give yourself a chance. Look away. If you think of her, pay no mind to it. "Oh... her again. Whatever". You'll train your mind not to jump when she pops into your head. Once you master this she'll be nothing but a harmless name amongst many names of things that you think of on a daily basis.

Edited April 19, 2011 by 1784

[Jerrica]

Silver - I have some questions for you. Your hate for your ex seems similar to my ex's hate for me, he calls me names.....accuses me of being a sl*t and having a new boyfriend, says hurtful things to deliberately try and hurt me. Usually he does this when he doesn't get his way (like me giving him a deadline to get his ***** out)

 

The only difference is, HE broke up with ME due to "lost interest". So, with you being a guy and all and sort of having the same feelings as my ex maybe, where does the hate come from?????? We actually ended on good terms too, the hate came out a few weeks after the fact. I just don't understand guys!!!

[silvermane187]

1784 thanks a lot for the advice, I appriciate it. I'll try to refrain from measuring my success on a daily basis. Distractions are great. Yesterday I watched the daily show and listened to a baseball game while working. My ex barely crossed my mind at all and I felt good.

 

Silver - I have some questions for you. Your hate for your ex seems similar to my ex's hate for me, he calls me names.....accuses me of being a sl*t and having a new boyfriend, says hurtful things to deliberately try and hurt me. Usually he does this when he doesn't get his way (like me giving him a deadline to get his ***** out)

 

The only difference is, HE broke up with ME due to "lost interest". So, with you being a guy and all and sort of having the same feelings as my ex maybe, where does the hate come from?????? We actually ended on good terms too, the hate came out a few weeks after the fact. I just don't understand guys!!!

 

I only hate my ex because she dumped me without trying to work it out and I can't stop loving her. Being betrayed by someone you opened yourself to can have that effect. I mainly use the hate as a defensive mechinism. I only ever called my ex an idiot once because I was pissed off that she invited my friend to her birthday party. I thought she did it on purpose to mess with me and having my night ruined by it pissed me off, so I had a knee jerk reaction to vent at her. I never deliberately said anything to hurt her.

 

The first few months, afer the crazy first 2 or 3 post breakup days, I didn't hate her at all. I just figured she was doing what she believed to be best for herself and I wasn't good enough for her. My hate for her began after she unblocked me on facebook, ignored me for a week after I messaged her, then put up a profile picture of her with another guy. That was a complete mind **** and I still doubt to this day that she was stupid enough to do it by accident. Even throughout all of that I never insulted her and was only honest about how badly she had hurt me. The worst I said was "block me before things get ugly" because I knew if I looked at that picture again I might lose it and say something mean.

 

 

Why is your ex being such an *******? I have no idea. If he broke up with you he shouldn't care if you're going out with someone else. It sounds like he is just a scumbag that makes himself feel better by verbally abusing you. The real question is why are you still in contact with someone like that? This guy is verbally abusing you yet you still contact him? Cmon now...block him, change your number, do what you have to do. UPS his stuff to him if you have to.

[1784]

Just so you know, guys are a lot more territorial by nature than women. Even after a man breaks up with a woman there's a part of him that feels, well, ownership (for lack of a better word) to her (specifically her body). The physical. This is a cave man thing, not something I just made up.

 

Women, on the other hand have more of an emotional bond. Women would rather you have a one night stand with another woman than have a non-physical relationship (bond) with another woman. This bonding with the other woman hurts them way more. They aren't as territorial when it comes to the physical.

 

Anyway, THIS is one of the reasons why your ex is being an a**hole, Jerrica. It's not an excuse it's just something in our DNA.