The thin line between love & hate + burning bridges and breaking NC

[silvermane187]

So far this week has been hard but a little better than last week. I'm back up to 9 days NC after telling her off last week. I feel kind of bad for being a jerk. I believe her when she said it was an accident to invite my friend to her party yet I still couldn't help myself from being angry at her. I should have handled it better. At the same time I feel a little empowered that I could tell her off like that. Either way I just want to forget about it. Not being able to stop myself from thinking about her is still driving me crazy. It took me 4 days after last contact to enjoy my hobbies again.

 

I might go out for St.Pattys tonight. If I do hopefully I can find someone or something to take my mind off her.

[MovingOn13]

Damn man reading these posts really made me feel like what im living is common!

 

Me and girl dated for 5 years since we were 15. We went to different high schools and only had this year in college together.

 

Things started to cool off long before the break up and i brought it up but it was always "School, stress, work." Then like a month before the break up she would go out with her friends and ****. I would hardly see her and she would pretend to be sad about it.

 

She **** tested me sooo many times leading up to the break up to get me to do it...she went out one night and had a guy who was hitting on her take her home...meanwhile she would still get pissed if she caught me checking out another girl.

 

So on the the week before the official break up i went to her house and she said she needed time to herself but that we werent broken up...meanwhile she txts me and mentioned a song that came on that reminded her...then the coming week she takes of our relationship off fb.

 

I ask to speak to her she said she is busy bla bla. I man up and bring the **** she got me over the years and finalize the ****. She claimed she felt like this for quite some time. That **** hurt bro...all the time, money, and energy i wasted and she had her mind set a while ago. Loyalty and respect was thrown out the ****ing window. 5 years and you cant be truthful and direct. pathetic. Been in NC ever since the break up which happend 2 months ago. i deleted her off bbm and fb.

 

Now she is posting on my best bro's walls saying she misses him etc. Pathetic...good luck filling my void cause im not coming back.

[silvermane187]

Wow yea, that's pretty similar to my situation.

 

3 months before our official breakup smy ex dumped me for a grand total of 12 hours. This caught me completely off guard. Two nights before this first 12 hour breakup she went out clubbing with some friends. I told her not to do anything stupid and she got pissed at me thinking I meant not to cheat on me when all I meant was not to drink too much. Well she ended up drinking way too much and puking outside a club. The next day she wouldn't answer my calls. The next day she beraks up with me. I was crushed to say the least. The day after that she randomly shows up at my place to say we can give it another try because we talked it out. yay right?

 

Right after we're hugging and making up she decides to tell me her guy friend brought her home after the club that night and ended up sleeping in her bed. She said nothing happened and because of my state of mind I told her as long as she's being honest it's not a problem. If she had told me this before I would have told her to **** off and never spoken to her again. Because of her ****ing mind games I accepted it as no big deal. Why would she bring it up if something happened?

 

Well that plus the fact she tried to dump me ended up destroying my trust in her over the next few months. One day that guy was helping her buy a bed for her new apartment since he had a car and I don't. They couldn't find one so they went back to his palce to hang out and watch TV. I ****ing lost it at her and told her to do whatever the **** she wanted. this bitch pretty much made me stop talking the mutual friend that introduced us because she was jealous. Now she was hanging out with some pathetic douchebag that she brought home drunk and let sleep in her bed and acts like I'm the crazy jealous one.

 

A few weeks after that I see that she had deleted him off FB and never heard from him again. I asked her if she cheated on me during the final break up and she said no once again. I almost wish that she did cheat on me because that would make it easy to stop loving her.

 

****ing two faced cold hearted hypocritical bitch.

[ccfan]

Now she is posting on my best bro's walls saying she misses him etc. Pathetic...good luck filling my void cause im not coming back.

 

Sorry to hear you too are going thru this ordeal man.. like he have discussed in here, really the only card we have to play is to stay NC and to never take that bait again... i mean unless she REALLY comes back crawling admiting all of her mistakes and promising that she´s a new person you just have to stay NC

 

Now you have a delicate situation on your hands regarding her writing to your best friend, you better watch out, as you have read on over here countless times this is when friends screw us up... i´m not saying this is going to happen to you, hopefully not, but you need to ask your friend to stay away from her as you still have feelings for her, if he´s as good friend he´ll do that..

 

stay strong bro

[1784]

@ccfan

 

... you (like i) just dodged a big bullet, we cannot see it now as we are TOO hurt... but now our exes are or will be some other guys problem..."

 

My god her bitchness would be unbearable, plus you throw paying bills and kids into the equation, she'll probably be a wreck of out of control emotions to live with....so I CANT AGREE MORE with you when you said this might be a blessing down the road for us to get out now, before we got even further committed (house, children, marriage) so fella's lets be thankful for that, because it seriously could be much worse and a much, MUCH bigger hole to climb out of.

 

I got 2 questions for you dudes that i hope you can give some input to

 

1st-do you think the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? like will most girls turn out to be like their mom? if that's the case I'm the luckiest sob ever, because her mom is absolutely crazy and would drive me beyond insane with her yelling and WAYYYYY over the top dramatic attitude....i see shades of that in my ex already (plus 3 divorces by 38)

 

I can't tell you how much this post hit home with me.

 

1) if I had a dollar for every person that told me "You dodged a bullet" I, well, at least I could buy an expensive dinner. With all of the selfish things that my ex did I couldn't even imagine what it would be like in 10,20, 30 years down the road. We were just dating. By the time we had kids and a house and all that I'm pretty sure all of my hair would be gone due to me pulling it out.

 

2) My ex, as much as she said she didn't want to be, was turning out EXACTLY like her mom. And what is that? That means she treats her husband like a doormat. She's never happy. She's in her late 50s trying to live like she's one of the Housewives of NJ. She thinks she's better than everyone else around her. My ex, well she was on that road. She always looks for problems. Never appreciates what she has and only thinks about what she doesn't have. She also grew up with money so she doesn't appreciate the simple things as much as she should.

 

Anyway, it WAS a blessing in disguise. It still hurts emotionally because for some reason or another I let her demands make me feel insufficient. But I'm working on it.

[MovingOn13]

I think so bro. I mean, i act a lot like my parents. I come from a Mexican family...so i am VERY family oriented and not afraid of expressing it with anyone i love whether it be family, gf, friends.

 

My ex was of scandinavian descent...and her family is much more cold...and so was she. She was sweet of course at times...but certain things she did were representative of the family she grew up in...cold. Like for instance...she went to europe last year and went a whole week without contacting me yet she still updated her facebook and ****.

 

I think the backround of the family can, but not always be influential on the final product.

[MovingOn13]

As far as my best friend...idk what to make of it...i mean her saying she misses him doesnt necessarily mean she wants to hook up with him...but at the end of the day i cant stop her so I am not really sure what to do about this.

 

I have to stop giving a **** because like i said she is no longer my problem...and her actions will weigh on her conscience.

 

My only regret with the relationship was that i wasnt very romantic or expressive but no one is born with experience and it was just now that i turned 20 that i really wanted to do sweet things for her and then **** hit the fan. oh well.

[silvermane187]

As far as my best friend...idk what to make of it...i mean her saying she misses him doesnt necessarily mean she wants to hook up with him...but at the end of the day i cant stop her so I am not really sure what to do about this.

 

I have to stop giving a **** because like i said she is no longer my problem...and her actions will weigh on her conscience.

 

My only regret with the relationship was that i wasnt very romantic or expressive but no one is born with experience and it was just now that i turned 20 that i really wanted to do sweet things for her and then **** hit the fan. oh well.

 

She's probably just trying to make you jealous. How did your friend react to that? If he knows you still have feelings for her he should tell her to **** off. IMO when someone dumps you they dump all of your friends and family with you. I may be crazy but the moment I found out my ex invited one of my best friends to her birthday party I didn't hesitate to tell her off.

 

I also wish I knew how to stop giving a **** about this girl. She's really a great person and I loved her not only as my girlfriend but as my best friend for three years, making it twice as hard to cope. The only lesson I've learned from this is not to combine friendship with a relationship. I don't have the words to describe the pain of losing a best friend and a girl you love at the same time...

 

Time to grind away another week. Sleep, work, gym, eat, repeat.

[jane100]

anyways the first month of the break up I tried to get her back and did all the "mistakes" begged, pleaded, cried....I don't necessarily think those are mistakes...it just shows we're human and HAVE a heart...

 

NC is great for all kinds of reasons as OP says, but sometimes its not over till its over and the fat lady sings her last belter. How people end things often tells you more about them than anything too.

 

You guys are all yet very young with deep hearts - you will find love again I have no doubt.

[silvermane187]

Quote of the day: "Love is a serious mental disease" - Plato

[MovingOn13]

Silvermane,

 

I dont even know man since i deleted her from FB. I just checked on his FB and saw the post. It pissed me off, but i feel like its just her trying to fill the void i left.

 

If you look up my old posts you can see how things unfolded and what not but basically she wanted me to remain friends in an almost open relationship manner. I said no...went full NC from day 1 and saw her a month later at a college meeting and said hey to her but then she didnt even say bye when she left and i was literally 1 foot from her...its like she mirrored my actions.

 

All these actions are unhealthy...its obviously a power thing...almost manipulative.

 

She is changing a lot now...but i mean we are in college and i dont want to judge but a few months ago she wasnt all about partying, going to hookah bars, and just recently she got a giant tat on her lat and of course its now her fb default...which screams i want attention.

 

My older sister says it may be her way to coping...the partying, tats, etc...but i am not so sure and im trying to be indifferent.

 

For the next relationship i will: create more individual space, be more outgoing, and establish boundaries. One thing i have learned however is that expectation leads to disappointment.

 

She wasn't honest with me and thats what hurts. I know cheating on me would have been worse or dragging the relationship further too...but to have known the end 2 months in advance and wait for the holidays and what not is pathetic and selfish. She even bought me xmas presents which i gave back because they were clearly out of pity. I am no one to pity.

 

Love is 3/4 curiosity.

[DollyGirl12]

NC is great for all kinds of reasons as OP says, but sometimes its not over till its over and the fat lady sings her last belter. How people end things often tells you more about them than anything too.

 

You guys are all yet very young with deep hearts - you will find love again I have no doubt.

 

Great post. I'm in my 40's and my ex was 34. Today with all the new technology it just seems to complicate things. I was never a texter before I met him, and have gone back to not being a texter. I feel FREE!! LOL Up until my mid 30's there wasn't the big cell phone craze. It made things so much easier to move on. People had only home phone and we didn't dare think about ringing them off the hook.

 

When I ended things with my ex, after finding him emailing Craigslist personals and looking up escort services, I confronted him (not face to face as we were LDR). He came up with all kinds of excuses and lies. I went quiet for 4 days after that. I needed my head space. He then started texting me and emailing me and making me feel like I was nuts for believing he would do something like that. My responses to him were so completely mean and out of character for me. I had never responded to someone like that before and was not at all happy with myself for allowing myself to be brought to that point. It's just not who I am and I struggled with my behavior for some time after that.

[silvermane187]

Silvermane,

 

I dont even know man since i deleted her from FB. I just checked on his FB and saw the post. It pissed me off, but i feel like its just her trying to fill the void i left.

 

If you look up my old posts you can see how things unfolded and what not but basically she wanted me to remain friends in an almost open relationship manner. I said no...went full NC from day 1 and saw her a month later at a college meeting and said hey to her but then she didnt even say bye when she left and i was literally 1 foot from her...its like she mirrored my actions.

 

All these actions are unhealthy...its obviously a power thing...almost manipulative.

 

She is changing a lot now...but i mean we are in college and i dont want to judge but a few months ago she wasnt all about partying, going to hookah bars, and just recently she got a giant tat on her lat and of course its now her fb default...which screams i want attention.

 

My older sister says it may be her way to coping...the partying, tats, etc...but i am not so sure and im trying to be indifferent.

 

For the next relationship i will: create more individual space, be more outgoing, and establish boundaries. One thing i have learned however is that expectation leads to disappointment.

 

She wasn't honest with me and thats what hurts. I know cheating on me would have been worse or dragging the relationship further too...but to have known the end 2 months in advance and wait for the holidays and what not is pathetic and selfish. She even bought me xmas presents which i gave back because they were clearly out of pity. I am no one to pity.

 

Love is 3/4 curiosity.

 

My ex tried to pull the same friends with benefits thing the first time she dumped me. When I told her it was all or nothing she was surprised, like she expected me to be perfectly ok with it. She even wanted to go through with a week long trip we had planned the next month. Who the **** dumps someone then expects to go through with a week long trip? Bitches are crazy.

 

The dishonesty is what bugs me the most as well. She could have dumped me on a sunday in person after we had spent the weekend together, but instead she took the cowards way out and waited 2 days later to do it over the phone. The last date we went on she was asking me questions like "do you think i'm independant" and spent 20 minutes looking at old pictures of us from 3 years ago on facebook. Looking back she was obviously thinking it then and didn't ****ing tell me. When I "took her back" the first time I told her she had to be hoenst and tell me if she was having about problems with our relationship.

 

On a positive note I finally have enough will power to stop looking at her twitter and fafcebook profile pic. It's hard as hell not checking it at work. I still miss her even though I hate her half the time. I guess we can start calling this day 1 of my full NC...it only took 5 months and 17 days...

[1784]

I still miss her even though I hate her half the time.

 

I couldn't say this better myself. How the hell could I love AND hate my ex so much, simultaneously!?! So frustrating.

[silvermane187]

I couldn't say this better myself. How the hell could I love AND hate my ex so much, simultaneously!?! So frustrating.

 

Exactly...I've never been so conflicted about anything in my entire life. It's almost like a split personality disorder. One voice in my head hates her with a passion like I've never known and the other voice never stopped loving her. Blah.

[1784]

Exactly...I've never been so conflicted about anything in my entire life. It's almost like a split personality disorder. One voice in my head hates her with a passion like I've never known and the other voice never stopped loving her. Blah.

 

I will tell you, I looked at a picture of her before and it made me kind of sick. This has never happened before. I was HIGHLY attracted to this woman. When I looked at a photo of her I really couldn't be more repulsed. Maybe that's progress, I dunno.

 

Also, while we did love them I think it's the void that we're missing - not necessarily "them".

[silvermane187]

I will tell you, I looked at a picture of her before and it made me kind of sick. This has never happened before. I was HIGHLY attracted to this woman. When I looked at a photo of her I really couldn't be more repulsed. Maybe that's progress, I dunno.

 

Also, while we did love them I think it's the void that we're missing - not necessarily "them".

 

Sounds like progress to me. Last time I looked at old pictures of my ex I felt the same about her as I did when they were taken. I wish I could be repulsed by the image of her I get in my head.

 

I hope you're right that it's just a void that something else will eventually fill.

[1784]

Sounds like progress to me. Last time I looked at old pictures of my ex I felt the same about her as I did when they were taken. I wish I could be repulsed by the image of her I get in my head.

 

I hope you're right that it's just a void that something else will eventually fill.

 

Yeah, this was pretty new for me. I'm sure it'll fluctuate but this was the first time that I actually found her unattractive to me. Obviously this has everything to do with how our situation has made me feel inside. I think part of it also has to do with me taking her down from the pedestal I had so expertly carved for her. Good signs. Kind of sad at the same time.

 

It's definitely the void, silvermane187. LOVE isn't supposed to feel like this. You don't miss the pain or unhappiness. But you do miss those things you did, had, etc. This is a void that can and will be filled. The thing is, you have to fill it first by yourself and then with another.

[MovingOn13]

1784,

 

Well said my friend...fill the void with yourself.

 

At this stage of 2months since break up and NC...i go in and out of mini depressions. Some days i just feel a little empty inside...other days i feel great.

 

It has had an affect on my academics...and it may be a petty excuse but the lose of someone really has had a strong effect on me. I am getting better day by day but some days are just tough.

[1784]

1784,

 

Well said my friend...fill the void with yourself.

 

At this stage of 2months since break up and NC...i go in and out of mini depressions. Some days i just feel a little empty inside...other days i feel great.

 

It has had an affect on my academics...and it may be a petty excuse but the lose of someone really has had a strong effect on me. I am getting better day by day but some days are just tough.

 

It's very hard not to judge each time you feel crappy. Today, for example, I feel PARTICULARLY crappy. I hurt like I haven't hurt in a couple of weeks. I know why, though. I do it to myself. I'm over-analyzing the past instead of living in the present. I know this. I am in complete control of it. Yet... I'm still doing it.

 

A lot of us here feel that we are misery's slave. We aren't. We have full control over how we feel. There is no OUTSIDE FORCE pressing its evil finger upon you. A lot of us get lost in the pain. It's unhealthy and we should all know better. Move on to something else. Google your favorite band instead of "How to cope". There's a million things we COULD be doing and yet we choose THIS instead. We're all suckers for pain, I tell ya.

 

Anyway, the point is - don't judge a bad day. Everyone has them. Just accept it for what it is, allow yourself to feel off and then just move right along. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Very wise words.

[silvermane187]

I spend a lot more time doing other stuff online than I do here. This is simply a place I come to vent because I very rarely talk about it to anyone IRL. I would gladly move on if I didn't wake up thinking about her everyday, and didn't have to deal with triggers all the time. If I could snap my fingers and make my memory of her disappear I would.

 

Anyway today has been a 5/10 on the getting over it scale. A few weeks ago after telling my ex off I had a 2/10 day. The first few months were a 1/10. I hope to get up to 8/10 by the end of summer.. Hopefully by then I won't have to spend any time on here.

[MovingOn13]

My biggest issue with moving on has been the problem of having made so many mutual friends over the past 5 years. I will see her many many many times probably and as a first love I dont think ill ever be 100 percent indifferent towards her but i suspect she wouldn't be 100 indifferent with me.

 

If i knew i would never or rarely encounter her I think i would be doing a lot better but i gotta face my fears baby.

[silvermane187]

Damn that sucks man. Luckily I don't share a single mutual friend with my ex. Any mutual "friends" we had on facebook were promptly deleted so I wouldn't come across any pictures. My biggest problem continues to be all of the triggers around my work place. The alst 15 months of our relationship I worked close to home and far from her place, now I work far from home and close to her place.

 

Oh and last night I was cleaning and looked under my keyboard for the first time in ages to find her name written in giant letters with a heart. It was like a kick to the balls. Permanent marker too so all I could do was scribble over it and try to forget it's there.

[1784]

Damn that sucks man. Luckily I don't share a single mutual friend with my ex. Any mutual "friends" we had on facebook were promptly deleted so I wouldn't come across any pictures. My biggest problem continues to be all of the triggers around my work place. The alst 15 months of our relationship I worked close to home and far from her place, now I work far from home and close to her place.

 

Oh and last night I was cleaning and looked under my keyboard for the first time in ages to find her name written in giant letters with a heart. It was like a kick to the balls. Permanent marker too so all I could do was scribble over it and try to forget it's there.

 

I did the same thing in regards to Facebook. When I deleted her I also deleted any ties that I had to her (friends). I didn't want to see any pictures, read any updates, etc. I knew that would be bad news. It's not the easiest thing in the world but it is for the best.

 

Man, that was a kick to the balls, silvermane. Sucks. It's those things in life where you almost have to laugh, point up to God and say "You got me again, Big Guy! Who knew YOU were so FUNNY?!?".

 

I haven't thrown out all of her cards to me yet. I almost did. They're not as easily accessible as Facebook, though. They're in a central location that isn't convenient for me to get to... but I can still get to them if I want. Anyway, they are the one thing that I haven't discarded yet. I guess I should. I dunno. It just seems to be such a shame to say goodbye to all that love and affection but I know that's what I have to do.

[silvermane187]

Yea, it's actually pretty funny in hindsight. All I could say was "god damn it". Then I went and had a good night gaming it up.

 

Gonig to try to haev a nice long run tonight. I've been limited to the bike for the past week since I minorly strained my ACL or something a week or two ago. Hopefully one of the hot girls at my gym decides to run on the treadmill in front of me. Nothing like staring at a nice ass to motivate yourself to keep going.

 

I threw away the framed picture I had of us a few days after the dumpage. A few months later I burnt the 10x8 picture I had of her from the vacation we went on. It was quite the pathetic little ceremony lol...including the ever hilarious single tear. Like the indian seeing a piece of garbage blow by in the wind.

Edited March 24, 2011 by silvermane187