The thin line between love & hate + burning bridges and breaking NC

[ccfan]

ohh and more more thing, do not message her an inside joke or anything playful, she doesn´t deserve it as of yet, and she migh get the idea that she still has you under her spell, just be clear about why is she contacting you.

 

this is a time for you to be cold and calculating like that villain Le Chiffre from the 007 movie Casino Royale....

[MovingOn13]

Thanks for the advice man. I decided to just ignore it for now. I dont like mind games and if she wants me back she knows how to get in touch with me.

 

I hate how social networking is the only way people deal with their issues nowadays. Pathetic.

[giveittofate]

Movingon,

 

You probably have seen my recent posts, but if not to make things short I'm in a similar boat. Been broken up with me ex for almost 7 month, and went NC like 3-4 months ago, after failed attempts to get her back and still show her I care...anyways got a call out of the blue over a month ago, and it was her balling her eyes out to me because her cousin died and well i guess she needed a shoulder to cry on...and I of course felt bad for her, STILL have some feelings for here, and was there for her and very kind to her...she then added me on FB and even came out to my bday celebration...and EVEN went out to grab drinks and dinner.

 

I did what I felt was right and i WANTED to see her and part of me did think well maybe somehow we could make a miraculous rebound....nope...But i did what I wanted to (so i have no regrets), so I suggest you do the same, you don't want to live with the what if syndrome? Did it hurt me when she reapperad in my life? yes, it stung and rehashed some old, sad feelings, but I did what I thought was right and tried...i also have bad luck running into her, which sucks but what can you do?...so my advice is go with what you want...if you still care for her and want her back TEST THE WATERS, but if you like life now and are over her, then i'd say ignore...like I said, I gave it a little shot again, and it got me nowhere (it was just her testing me out again and trying to ease guilt I think) it shook me up for a while, but now I'm feeling decent again and don't plan on contacting her anymore (were still fb friends, because i dont want to look like a baby and delete her again, but her and EVERY FRIEND OF HERS IS BLOCKED, so theres no way I can see anything going on in her life.)....just be prepared for some emotions to come out again...be cautious my friend, and DO YOU.

[giveittofate]

BTW, how you guys doing silver and CC? Any positive news to share at all? Hope so.

 

like I said in my previous post I'm feeling decent again...having fun a good amount, and still fighting off the lonely sad feelings that hit me from time to time from my ex....but I def feel MUCH better that last week at this time when I ran into her dancing with that guy.

 

Bachelor party tonight, so Ill be getting krunk...have a good saturday dudes.

[MovingOn13]

Insightful post fate, thanks for the advice.

 

Part of me wants to work out...but at the end of the day she broke up with me..so if she wants me back i would assume she would and should do anything to try and get in touch me with me.

 

Luckily, we broke up in january and ever since the break up i didnt bother at all to bug or annoy her. It was a full 100 percent NC with the exception of me going up to her at a college volunteer meeting a month after the break up. I ended up asking her to go out for icecreme and she said she had to do some stuff ( probably just didnt want to say no).

 

We were first loves, dated for 5 years, we are both 20 i knew curiosity to party and what not got to her.

 

I am just confused on her intentions. SOme people say its her wanted to see what im up to...some people say its her testing the waters to try and get me back. I just don't know and i dont want to play games.

 

I am all or nothing when it comes to women i date. I dont want friendship and fb is so pathetic.

[MovingOn13]

To follow up, she has written some posts on my best buddies wall.

 

Stuff like " going out in dubai is so much fun...come here now...k bye." and other stuff. Idk what is up with this...i dont understand it.

[ccfan]

" going out in dubai is so much fun...come here now...k bye."

 

oh... man .... don't get me started on the Dubai thing, the last time i decided to check my ex's twitter she was saying something along those lines of traveling to Dubai.. it hurt like hell. But a couple friends had to be mean to her in the sense of telling me that after that so called "glamour" trip she'll be back to her tiny house in the ugliest part of town, with 8 bucks in the bank as always, it was mean, but they said it to re-center me, and i have to say the same thing to you man. Remember that things always sound more glamoruos than they really are.

 

sorry to say this, but this girl is giving you a textbook inconsistent behaviour and chances are that if you let her you are going to end up being hurt... again.. be careful friend.

 

how's everyone doing?? fate, silver: it sucks that the famlily thing of mentioning the ex is happening to you guys as well... my advice having gone trhu hell in that department is that you guys have to make perfectly crystal clear that you DON'T want to hear from your ex... if you only put a long face or brush of the comments chances are that is gonig to happen again, like it did to me. They are family and they love us, but we need to make things absolutely clear in that matter.

 

fate my brother, any news on your ex?? hope this time she will leave for good both you life and your toughts man... what a horrible rollecoaster she just put you trhu just to "test the waters" .... but like you said before this kind of things happen and believe me if it did happen to happen to me i'd do exactly what you did brother.. time to keep on healing... are you dating now or interested in dating??

 

silver, glad to hear that you got a cool job offer! hope you get this job and remember if you don't there are more gigs outthere (that's something i have to keep in mind at all times as music bussiness it's SO volatile), you are sounding better in your last posts brother, i think the key is to keep starving the part of the brain that is asking us for more info about our exes. Starve it to dead.

 

in here, well.. happy to be finally out of that horrible flu i got, not because of the fever itself, but because the demons seem to have been caged again... hopefully for a reeeally long time. I told the lady doctor that our thing wasn't working out and generally stopped dating those other bimbos i was going out with, it was a wasted of time and money so i'm just focusing in playing as much as possible and improving my chops on the kit. The crazy date-five-girls thing it's nor for me so i think i rather be alone BUT very open if someone especial comes my way. Fate: do you agree in this? since you also did the crazy dating extravaganza thing i think it can do more harm that good...

Edited June 19, 2011 by ccfan

[MovingOn13]

Well guys, particularly ccfan and fate, thanks for your advice. I have checked up on this thread often, but rarely posted since i am doing pretty well...but tonight was a bit rough as you can see from my posts above.

 

My best bud called me and asked to hang out and chill. We did, and i brought the ex facebooking me up and asked if he was talking a lot with her.

 

He said not really, and when i mentioned him the fb friend request he was like "well doesn't she have a bf?" I am unaware of her status, but could easily believe she is at least talking to someone.

 

I have come a reallllly long way in terms of healing but that damn request got me overanalyzing everything again. Finding out she supposedly has a bf upset me, but i am still ok. I just dont understand her actions.

 

I truly want her to be happy, and i went to great lengths to avoid knowing of her and told friends to not mention her or update me on her life...because i knew it would just ruin the healing.

 

There is a good chance she is dating someone which completely throws me off in terms of why the hell she would want to friend me. To show me she is doing lovely? She should be, SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. I didn't beg, i didn't plead she wanted out and i disappeared.

 

I am tired of these games. She knows i would see her posts, she knows he is my best friend...its like she wants to hurt me with her "happiness." Brothers i am truly confused.

 

I never asked the who what when why to the reason of the break up...she said it wasn't somoneelse but apparently it was.

 

I believe life in its majority is fair, and what goes around comes around, but i am getting tired of this bull.

 

Thanks for reading my rant and offering your input guys, i took 1 step back but i am determined to come out of this sh111t

[1784]

Hey Silvermane,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time. Of course I'm not gonna leave you hangin'. Loyalty is something lost in 2011, don't ya think?

 

I can relate to the joblessness. I was out a work between 2009 and 2010. It was very tough. Of course you have to deal with that and your breakup which makes it twice as hard. The only real piece of advice I can give you is to keep busy. I know, I know, that's so very easy to say. But honestly, I'm still dealing with my own breakup and what I realize is that idle time really is the devil's plaything.

 

On weekends where I don't have much planned I definitely catch myself falling into mental traps. I start to think about the breakup, why it happened, what if it hadn't, what she may be doing, if she misses me, if she thinks she made a mistake, etc. All of the usual stuff that people brood about. It starts off very innocently and before I know it I'm in the thick of it. It's amazing how easily your mind can go 'there'. Now I can only imagine being unemployed only makes it so much easier to go there.

 

The thing is... it's you. At this point you DO have the power to discipline your mind to think about other things. When you start to think of her you need to say STOP! and purposefully think of something else. See, there's a part of you that wants to think about her. To go over and over the good times, the bad times, etc. You simply must not do this. Wear a rubber band around your wrist if you have to and every time you catch yourself thinking of her, snap it and think of something else. I know it sounds silly but it'll work if you LET it work.

 

Secondly, even though you don't have a job doesn't mean you have to do nothing. Again... discipline. Schedule out your week. Think of things that you can do each and every day. What things? Work out. Go for a run. Clean up. Look for a job. Write. Play video games. Draw. Do all of the things that you couldn't do when you were working. Do all of these things for yourself! Make you a better you. I know when I was unemployed I started drinking a lot too, It was just too easy not to, lol. That had to stop and I stopped it. Go to the mirror right now and look at yourself. Is this who you want to be? if it is, great. If it isn't then do something about it. Seriously. What would you want to change? Well then work towards changing it. Again, I can't stress physical activity enough. If you look better you feel better. And if you feel better you tend to look better.

 

Tough love, brother. It hasn't been easy for me either, believe you me. But until you decide to change there really won't BE very much change. You're in control. You always have been and you always will be. If you need encouragement just let me know. I'll be there for ya.

 

Be well. Do something different RIGHT NOW. Go on. Go. Now.

 

-1784

[1784]

Hey Silvermane,

 

I hope I didn't come off too "do this and do that" in my last email to you. It's just that at a certain point being that understanding, I feel so bad for you type of person loses its affect on the reader. Eventually you just have to get tough. Or get tougher. You have to not allow it to defeat you and you were sounding a little defeated. Sometimes tough love really is what you need even though it's not what necessarily feels best at the time. I've learned this the hard way on more than one occasion.

 

I'm doing a lot better, thanks for asking. I can't point to only one thing that has helped me. It's been a myriad of different things and it's been me as well. There was one particular conversation that I had with my mom that had a lot of impact on me. She basically told me that enough time had gone by and that I needed to stop playing the part of the victim. That my ex was nowhere to be seen in my life anymore and at this point I was doing it all to myself. And you know what? She was right. 100% correct. My ex has no bearing on my life anymore. She chose her road and now I have mine... without her. If I choose to bring her MEMORY on my path then that's my own choosing. And yeah, I know that memories aren't the easiest things to shed. And you don't really have to erase them but you can't live in them either. I was making her memory my present reality. And that doesn't do anyone any good. So I stopped playing the victim, grabbed my own life by the short hairs, and started moving forward. It doesn't even really matter what I started doing, like I said in my previous post. What mattered is that I DID start doing and I STOPPED thinking about her (as best I could anyway). She's still there in my head but she has moved to a more manageable place off to the side. She's making her way towards the back and eventually she'll just be a distant memory like so many others in my life. That's where she belongs and that's all the space she's gonna get. She doesn't deserve any more that that. So whether it be running, working, reading, writing, video games, spending time with friends and family, etc, it's all just stuff that I like to do and that has filled that void that she left when she decided to call it quits. I've always been a bit silly and lately I've actually found that part of me again. I can feel it. I'm commenting on things in life that I normally was just too sad or tired to even notice or want to notice. That's how I know I'm moving forward. That terrible weight has been lifting off my shoulders. I'm letting life in because I'm ready to. And the more I let it in the better I feel. It builds upon itself. And the more I enjoy life the less my ex has any influence over it.

 

As for you... you're doing the right things. The motto that you need to adopt is "it doesn't matter". Seriously. Your brother-in-law saw your ex? It doesn't matter. She's not a bad person? So what. It doesn't matter. SHE doesn't matter anymore. You have a dream about her? it doesn't matter. That's normal. We tend to dream about things that have been in our lives. So what. SHE DOES NOT MATTER! You know what matters? You matter. Take care of YOU. Do things for YOU. Forget her. She's poison now. Choose not to drink her in. You find yourself thinking about her? Just say STOP (like I said)! Literally say it out loud. STOP! You'll condition yourself to stop thinking about her by doing this. That's the same with the rubberband trick. It's not meant to HURT you. It's meant to condition you. You're literally training yourself much like Pavlov and his dogs. A thought comes into your head about her - *SNAP* - do something else. And before you know it this will become second nature to you. Believe me, it works. And this is not my opinion, this is psychology at work.

 

Good luck and keep writing. I'll be here for ya. I promise. Take care of yourself. As far as I know we get ONE life. Decide on how you want to live it day to day. and if you're not living it the way you want to then do something about it. You can do just a little each day and in a month you'll notice a huge difference. I guarantee it.

 

Be good.

 

-1784

[1784]

Hey Silvermane,

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence on my advice giving. I do try to help. I don't speak in absolutes and try not to give neanderthal advice. I realize that these situations are very complex and that there is a lot at play. I appreciate your willingness to listen to what I have to say. I always listened to you as well.

 

The rubber band trick is something I've read about in a number of different places. It can be used for all sorts of obsessive type thoughts. It's just mind conditioning. You're literally training yourself to think about other things. Sometimes the the brain needs an outside stimulus to help it along. That's why I told you to say "STOP!" out loud. Saying something aloud has a different effect than just saying it to yourself in your mind. It's audible much like the rubber band is physical. Anyway, it does work if you use it correctly. It's not a cure-all but sometimes every little bit helps, ya know?

 

Yeah, you are right - LS is sort of a strange place in that you really get to express things that you might not ordinarily express. That's why writing can be so therapeutic. You're delving into your subconscious mind and putting it out there for all to see. Talk about vulnerable. I think some people think that what they read from a person IS the person. It's part of the person, sure, but it's not exactly a full representation of them. Just because you choose to vent about a particular thing doesn't mean that's how you're living day to day. Sometimes it's easy to forget that because this is all we get of you - whatever you choose to show us.

 

Memories suck but they're part of life. My ex's birthday is in a few days so of course she has been on my mind more than she ought to be. It's normal. I remember birthdays from all sorts of exes. This one is still a little fresh so it sorta stings a little bit more. But when I think back to other exes' birthdays they don't bother me at all. I figure my most recent ex will end up in that same category. The "it doesn't matter either way" category. But in case you were wondering I do not plan on contacting my ex in any way on her birthday. I simply do not see the point. Nothing good can come from it.

 

How's everything? Are you keeping busy? Doing any better this week?

 

-1784

[silvermane187]

Hey, thought I would give this beast of a sad thread a bump and see who will pop up.

 

I've been feeling better lately. The anger moments are down 90%, and the sad moments don't hit as hard. I just had a really good workout which leaves me feeling positive for a while. I'm still not over my ex, and since she was my first love and best friend for 3 years I don't think I'll ever really get over her, but I feel better lately. Going by my original estimate of thinking it would take a year and a half to stop feeling like **** about it, I think I'm right about on schedule. It will be 13 months in a few days.

 

I still have dreams of her randomly that annoy/depress me. I still think about her every day. I still get urges to contact her. I never would, but I still find myself fantasizing about it from time to time. I still find myself playing the "what if" game in my head about every communication we had before it was full NC. I sometimes feel bad about how I handled the whole thing. There is a little demon in my head that says if I handled it better there would have been a chance of her coming back. The only way I can shut that little bastard up is with anger.

 

Well there's a random vent...feels good man...feels good.

[1784]

Hey silvermane,

 

C'mon, bro, you know I wouldn't leave you hanging ;-)

 

I'm really glad that you're doing so much better. That's really great. I thought I'd point out a few things that'll hopefully help you...

 

I think that this whole idea about how long it'll take a person to get over their ex is sort of absurd. I honestly feel like there is no timeline whatsoever. It's so different for every person. In fact, I'm willing to bet that in your case it's a self fulfilling prophecy. You've told yourself a year and a half. So, you've actually adjusted (unconsciously) according to that time frame. The reason I'm pointing this out is because I want you to know that you really are in full control of things. You always were. You're not under this thumb of pressure. If you tell yourself 2 years you'll probably give yourself 2 years and positively reinforce it with "I'm right on track". But if you gave yourself only 1 year there's a chance you'd achieve the same results. I mean, I don't KNOW this for sure. It's just my opinion. In the end we really do get over it when we get over it; but this idea of sticking boundaries on it is sort of interesting. Ya know, like how it affects our recovery and everything. The main point is that this isn't some other-wordly beast who has you imprisoned for 1.5 years. Just keep doing what works for you and forget about time lines, okay? How you feel today is what's most important.

 

As far as you playing the "what if" game... whatever was wrong with your relationship did not come down to handling what went wrong in a better manner. If you had salvaged it at that time you'd probably be back 'here' at another time. Second guessing yourself and how you handled things is a form of self abuse. Don't do it. You handled it the way you needed to AT THAT TIME. Would you have handled it the same now? Probably not. But it's not really a fair question to ask yourself because you're not in the same mind frame as you were then. You did what you needed to do/say AT THAT TIME. The present is all we have to work from. Looking back on it can be worth the lesson that it inevitably brings with it (as everything does), but to question how you handled it and to judge yourself on that... not good. Not fair. Not healthy. Not productive. Not kind. Don't do it.

 

And with regard to handling the little voice in your head with anger... I suppose it can do the trick in the moment but it isn't a long lasting remedy. Anger never really solves anything. Look, I'm no saint. I've still held on to some anger too. In fact, it's recently been creeping up a little more than it has in a while. Why? I have no idea. But what i do know is that the anger inevitably makes me feel worse. You know what makes me feel better? Acceptance. Just accepting what's in front of me. Accepting what has happened and that it's the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. The only thing I can change is my present and future. That's worth the effort. That's worth the worry. The past? It's a losing battle. Even if you were to figure out EVERY question in your head about your ex and the relationship... it wouldn't do a friggin' thing. So why bother? Seriously. There's nothing you can do to change the past. Why put so much time and energy into it? It's futile. So try letting go a little more, accepting what your reality truly is, and I promise you that the anger will subside. It will. When there's nothing to be angry over, well, you won't get angry. At least you won't get angry at the same useless thing.

 

Other than that it sounds like you're really doing great. You sound positive. You sound sure of yourself. Upbeat. And that's really great to hear. I hope I wasn't too preachy but, well, it's what I do, lol. I'm just trying to lend you a little perspective from what I've learned about myself and my own situation. I hope it helped just a little.

 

Be well. Hope to hear from you again.

 

-1784

[silvermane187]

Hey all,

 

1784, ccfan, you out there? It's been about 6 months since my last bump. Reading what I posted back in November I have to say not much has changed. I finally hit that *magical* 18 month milestone a while ago. It's nice to know that the worst of it is behind me. I have a new job that I don't hate. I've made some new friends with my co workers. Everything is going fine. I still think about her everyday. I don't see that changing anytime soon, which is fine. These days I can associate her with positive things a lot of the time. I'll catch myself saying something to a friend that they don't *get* and smile to myself thinking about how my ex would understand and we would laugh. I still miss her friendship a lot aside from the whole love thing. It's hard to find someone you have such great chemistry with. Especially when you're an introverted guy like me. I feel like I was lucky to even get 3 years with someone like that.

 

It was my ex's birthday 3 weeks ago. I was 5-6 drinks deep at a bar enjoying the longest opening day baseball game in history when I looked at my phone and noticed the date. I figure it's a good sign that I didn't even notice until the day of. I tried to put her number in my phone to send a simple 'happy birthday' text. Luckily my phone froze and I never sent it. I caved later that night and did some drunk e stalking where I found out she had a date with some guy that afternoon/night. It came as no surprise, still hurt like a mother ****er though. I pretty much got over it within a couple hours.

 

Anyway I thought I would update this for old times sake. It's encouraging to see how much progress I've made. My job is really slow lately and this is one of the few forums that isn't blocked so I'll be trolling around for a while.