Ariadne Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I'm so tempted to send him a text. I just need to know for sure. Is that an awful idea? But if you want to text, do it!
LisaLee Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 You have gotta be kidding me This is actually not the first time you have been nasty in one of her threads. Just to clarify I have never been nasty to her on her threads. Both you and she perceive it as nasty because it's not what you want to hear. I feel for Shadow because I know where she is coming from.You, however, SaC... you annoy the hell out of me with your helicopter parenting and enabling. So I could care less what you think or have to say.
LisaLee Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 First of all I never said you were not a wonderful person. You could be Mother Teresa for all I know, but I don't know you. Amelie is a wonderful character, but she is not what I would say to describe you. I can think of another character who reminds me of you to a tee... who I think is equally wonderful and loving... but you would probably take offense to that as well. I misread your original post, which was why I said you flatter yourself a lot, so I retract that. I can be pretty nasty... can't we all? But I assure you, I was not nasty then. If I was being mean I would have been much more blunt about it. Could you stop putting people down please? Unlike you, SAC is wonderful, warm-hearted person and that goes a long way in my book. I've never seen her take a jab at someone else unprovoked. You're taking my thread way off topic. It's disrespectful. Just have some decency and stop. I don't like her.
LisaLee Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 If you're annoyed at me for lying about the sex thing, then fine. That I understand. But please don't take it out on my thread with little jabs. You've already expressed your annoyance, and I've apologized. I don't think there's anything more to be said. I'm not making jabs at you at all. Sorry you perceived it that way... though looking back I could see where it looks like a jab. No... like I said before, if I was making a jab I would be much more blunt. TBH, I am less annoyed about the lying and more with the people who insist on coddling you. Obviously Star's tough love tell-it-like-it-is approach doesn't work for you, but I don't think the coddling is effective, either.
OceanGirl Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Have you managed to hold off from texting him?
OceanGirl Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 yes ------- I think that you should take your therapist's advice and if you don't hear anything tomorrow, send him a light hearted text asking him to hang out. That won't come off as insecure or desparate. I am a big beleiver of giving it your 100% and having no regrets.
Alma Mobley Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Honestly, you are assuming an awful lot based on a snippet of conversation and your roommates not being home. Don't text him. Just wait it out. No rash decisions.
Alma Mobley Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 But what is that gut feeling based off of? For all you know he really likes you but doesn't want to seem too desperate so is giving it a little time before he contacts you. Don't assume the worst. Stay positive. I agree that you should do what your therapist said -- maybe text him Sat or Sun if you don't hear from him.
OceanGirl Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 From where I am sitting, there is still no evidence that this guy is blowing you off. Really. Do you remember when you went on that third date with OKC guy and came on here to ask if you are being too negative? And most posters told you that you are not being negative and that the guy didn't treat you right etc etc. So now, most (actually all) posters think that you should wait it out, that there is no reason to be this pessimistic. I hate to say it but they are usually right. (BTW having/not having sex doesn't change this situation at all in my opinion)
elaina Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Ugh, so I'm 99% sure he is at my place right now. He, my roommates and a few of their friends just piled into my house (I heard them), and went up to the attic to hang out with beers. I say 99 percent because for sme reason I had trouble recognizing his voice, but I'm almost certain it's him...sounds like him. And they know I'm here, because even though my door is closed the light to my room is on. YOu can see it under the door. They totally didn't invite me to come join. This is fcking disgusting. I have to hear him upstairs socializing with them. Should I send him a text now and be like are you at my place? No, it's definitely him. HOw can I even sleep now. His voice is so freaking loud. This is really fcking with me. Colored Inks, I read your whole thread just now and I know you're hurting really bad. I wish I could give you a hug and I wish you were in a place where you could cry out all the hurt you have been feeling! Please just think about this: Someday, someone is going to come that will make you glad it didn't work out with anybody else. I think that's a quote from somewhere... someone here on loveshack has a quote like that. I wish Ocean girl was there so you could go hang out with her. just know there are people who care for you and are routing for you. We want you to be happy. It makes us cry to hear the pain you are going through, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
elaina Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 fck guys. His voice is so freaking loud. This is worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. just know there are people who care for you and are routing for you. We want you to be happy. It makes us cry to hear the pain you are going through, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is a rainbow after the storm.
Star Gazer Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Shadow, I don't know if you're going to read this, but it's worth a shot. You're talking to/hooking up with/dating/having sex with/whatever, someone who just happens to be friends with your roommates. He's good friends/BFFs with them. His friendship with them long predates you. Just because he hangs out with them, does not mean you get an automatic invite to everything they do together, nor should it. What he chooses to do with his friends has NOTHING to do with you. I really do mean this in the nicest way possible, and I think Kamille even said this to you before... but... the world does not revolve around you. I highly doubt they made a conscious decision to exclude you. They just made a conscious decision to spend time together, as they did before you even remotely came into the picture.
sweetjasmine Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I highly doubt they made a conscious decision to exclude you. They just made a conscious decision to spend time together, as they did before you even remotely came into the picture. That's what it sounds like to me. CI/Shadow, your door is closed, and you haven't come out to say hi. They could very well think that you'd rather be left alone right now. So take a deep breath and try to calm down a little, okay? Is it safe for you to go out for a short walk around the block? It might help you clear your mind a bit.
Star Gazer Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I sent him a fb message just now, not a text. I didn't allude to his being at my house, but I did ask if he wants to hang out again. Fck it. I hope he doesn't have FB access on his phone and know you're there... Why don't you leave your room and say hello??
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I sent him a fb message just now, not a text. I didn't allude to his being at my house, but I did ask if he wants to hang out again. Fck it.
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 why don't you leave your room and say hello?? +1........
Citizen Erased Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 fck guys. His voice is so freaking loud. This is worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. If that is the worst thing you can imagine I really envy you. You cannot keep putting your self worth on these guys, you're driving yourself nuts.
elaina Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I hope he doesn't have FB access on his phone and know you're there... Why don't you leave your room and say hello?? Hello Star Gazer, Correct me if I'm wrong CI, but I think she's hurting. It's hard to go out and give a bright sunshiny "Hi guys!" when one is hurting. That is really good advice though that you gave her! CI, Take a deep breath, wash your face, brush your hair, sing one of your fav songs, and go out there and tell them hi and give them each a smile that shows you care for them. Don't be mad, don't be sad. Just show them you're happy to see them. Don't be afraid. If they are mean, you be caring. You can do it. Hopefully they will say hi back. They should.
Star Gazer Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 It's hard to go out and give a bright sunshiny "Hi guys!" when one is hurting. I have a feeling she's...interacting with him, right now.
elaina Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I have a feeling she's...interacting with him, right now. I hope so... and i hope it's positive interaction. It is so sad to see her so upset. That would be great if she would just go out there and ease into the group and just have fun with friends. I bet that's what you wish for her too. To have fun and enjoy life.
Pfiend101 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I've read some of your threads lately. I think you should take a break from dating and just have a good time without guys. You remind me alot of my sister. I've told her the same thing and she continues to date a bunch of different guys all with the same result. I'm sure your a great girl just haven't met the right guy yet. I've tried to force relationships a lot lately and it has blown up in my face. I'm on a dating hiatus myself. Sure I'd like to have that physical/emotional connection. But it just doesn't seem to be in the cards at the moment. But you know what? Thats OK. You dont need a man to complete you just like I don't need a woman to complete me.
anne1707 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Shadow Do you only want advice that enables you to continue this self-destruct mode. Whenever anybody posts something that you do not like, you either put them on ignore or tell them to go away. Maybe it is them you should be listening to you rather than those who continue to "coddle" you.
anne1707 Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Then write a response to me that you think would be helpful. When there have already been plenty of helpful posts that you have chosen to ignore? Ok.... Stop thinking that you are at the centre of everybody's mind all the time. Your room mates are probably not talking about you all the time and deliberately trying to exclude you. Be honest when you come to LS asking for advice. I have no problem at all with the fact that you had sex with J but the advice from others would have been very different if the truth had been known. This is an anonymous forum so this honesty should not be a problem Stop comparing yourself to other women and thinking that just because a man talks to this girl and not you that you are not attractive etc. Do you like every man you meet? Do you actually find men attractive who would not be considered attractive to other women? I bet you do - so why is it a problem if men act that way too? Stop wallowing. If you want something, go out and get it. You might fail but at least you tried. Do you realise how silly you sound when you say you fell asleep with your fingers stuck in your ears. It's the kind of thing a child does. Your room mates quite possibly thought that you were being peculiar for not coming out of your room. Do you need to be given permission to walk round the house you live in? Start listening to the likes of Stargazer. She has given you some really solid advice. The fact that she does not wrap it all up in cotton wool for you does not mean that she is being nasty or that what she says is wrong. Don't take digs at people who you disagree with - you have done it several times on this thread. It comes across as petulant and childish. This is an advice forum and everybody posting here is trying to help you. Maybe they can see what you are doing wrong better than you can. Don't message/FB etc J again. The ball is well and truly in his court now. But in turn, don't lock yourself away when he is at the house. Show that you are above that kind of behaviour. Hiding implies you have done something wrong. You haven't. Follow what you said you were going to do. Restrict your time on LS. Instead actually get on with your life rather than posting about how bad it all is. If you put as much effort into improving things as you did posting about how bad it is, you would be in a much better place. Stop thinking that every comment anybody makes is a dig at you - eg your boss's comment about make-up. You are reading way too much into things people say and do. Stop analysing everything to the nth degree. Find another therapist - and talk to them about ALL your anxieties. Start working with them to find a better way for you to live your life.
Kamille Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 I fell asleep with my fingers stuffed in my ears so I didn't have to hear his voice. I couldn't bring myself to leave my room and say hello. I felt way too bad, and besides I'm sure they made a conscious choice to exclude me. In the past my roomies would have knocked on my door and invited me up to the attic. It was obvious I was home. That's what hurts so much about this. He hasn't gotten back to me yet, not that he would at this hour, but I have a feeling he won't. I also have a strong feeling my roomies will no longer be inviting me to any social things, since he'll be there. And they'll be really awkward when they run into me in the house, as they have been. When I said this is worse than I could possibly have imagined, it's because I didn't think they would actually exclude me from something that was going on in my own house. Yeah, I consider it an exclusion if they don't invite me up to their room for a small, improtu party, where in the past they always did. And THAT'S OK. That being said, you're currently totalizing the situation. You're assuming that every one in the group is of one mind about your social acceptability. They aren't. And I agree with SG, there is no signs that they were conscioucsly excluding you. They didn't invite you, but perhaps they thought that since you've been hanging out more with them and making out with one of them, that you no longer needed an invite to join their activities. See, if you hadn't put yourself in a negative tail-spin about the way you and this guy said goodbye, this would have been your first instance of "hmm, what's going on?". Eventually, as you get better, your reflex won't be to wait for an invite but to challenge yourself to face your fears. I think you believe people are constantly evaluating your social acceptability. As someone who experienced intense bullying and social ostracisation, I know it took me a long time to realize that adults do not question your social acceptability until you start asking them to validate it. Instead, adults tend to take other adult's social capacities for granted. Their first reflex will be to treat you as a capable confident adult. I have this thing from my past about hearing other people having a good time, laughing at a distance, upstairs downstairs, and being alone in my room, not being invited. It really hurts. But it was infinitely worse having to hear his voice booming above the others while I tried to sleep. This strikes me as odd. If you were in your room, then you would have been at home no? Could you explain in a bit more details what these events were about? Also, re: Amélie. Amélie is described as socially awkward and lonely by the Glass Man. She is miffed by that. The main difference between Amélie and CI is that Amélie doesn't give a hoot about social acceptance. She likes solitude. For CI, social acceptance trumps her sense of self. I brought up Amélie precisely because this character helped me accept my own flaws and social awkwardness at a time when social acceptance was still too important for me. It made me feel like being alone wasn't so bad. I can only wish CI will eventually care less about social acceptance. I just hope and pray that I get ANY response from him, even if it's a rejection. Because if I don't, it will make things that much more awkward when we run into each other again. Patience. You have to give him time to respond. I always thought if he decided not to see me again, he would do it in a nicer way than this ... by at least telling me to diffuse some of the awkwardness and by NOT telling his friends to start excluding me. You have no idea why you weren't invited last night. You certainly do not know what he told or did not tell his friends. Nor is it within your control. What happened last night reminded me of the worst parts of my childhood where I was excluded out of the blue from events with friends and then rejected. And there was never any explanation...it just happened like that. Yep, been there done that. It doesn't feel good. I used to care too much about being included in groups and events. What I advise you to do for the relationship with your roomate is accept it. Accept that they're perfectly allowed to have parties without inviting you. They are. Do not internalize this as a comment on you. It could be one, but if your self-esteem was normal, you wouldn't be hurt by this. You would think: "meh, I guess they don't feel like hanging out with me tonight. And that's OK" and you would interact normally with your roommates the next time you see them. Fake it until you make it. What you will find is that once you stop putting your social acceptability on the table for people and thinking that everything everyone else does is a comment on you, people will start responding to you in positive ways. I think to understand why it hurt me so much, you have to understand all the awful rejecting experiences I had growing up. Guys, they were making a conscious choice to exclude me. It was obvious, because in the past with stuff like that they always knocked on my door. I have no faith left in people. Suicidal thoughts are racing through my head. I understand why this hurts CI, I have had awful rejecting experiences as a kid. But please trust me on this, your reading of the situation is overblown. People are allowed to choose who they want to hang out with without that being a comment on whether or not they like you. It's a crucial difference and your relationships will improve once you start distinguishing one from the other.
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