OceanGirl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Coloredinks, Not a blow off at all. But I suggest for you to wait for him to contact you. Trust me, it will be better that way. If I have learned anything from my dating stuff it's to have patience, patience and more patience... I have to repeat this mantra in my head "do nothing, do nothing, do nothing" ALL the time.
OceanGirl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I amm 100% sure that he will contact you within the next 2 days and ask you to do something.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 now I'm fairly convinced I won't hear from him again, or if I do it won't be for so long that I feel obligated to write him off. I just wish he had done this after our second date, rather than our last one. Because I was really starting to like him and our last date was so nice (I thought). Sometimes it seems like the better time I have with a guy, the better I think it went, the less he's likely to contact me again. You know how you just know on a gut level? That's how I feel. BTW, Ocean Blue I was thinking about it and realized why it's so hard for me not to contact a guy after a date and wait for him. It's because I feel certain on some level that if I don't I'll never hear from him again. And I think that's probably pretty accurate in most cases. Like with OKCupid guy I bet I would have never heard from him after even our first date. Probably the same with J had I not suggested we hang out again at the end of our hookup. I guess part of me hopes that if I allow them to see me enough, they'll get over whatever negative first impression they have since I know how off-puttingly awkward I can be at first. Yet I tend to totally change and loosen up once I get to know someone well. But I think it's also that contacting them allows me to hold on to some shred of hope that they would have. In other words, by beating them to the punch I don't get the opportunity to have find out for sure and have my worst fears confirmed. So it's sort of delaying the inevitable rejection. Which is stupid of course. Better to know sooner rather than later, right? I just know he's blowing me off. I can feel it. This sucks because I was so excited about him! I really thought we had made a connection. It's interesting how much more frequently I'm getting rejected recently. It used to be that a first date or encounter with a guy almost always led to them wanting a relationship with me. In fact, before this summer I had a 100 percent success rate with that. I haven't gotten any worse socially or psychologically. In the past, I had more even more issues. It must be my appearance. I think before I was pretty enough that guys were willing to forgive some of my flaws, but now they're much harder on me. Probably me going for more attractive guys also doesn't help.
OceanGirl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 now I'm fairly convinced I won't hear from him again, or if I do it won't be for so long that I feel obligated to write him off. I just wish he had done this after our second date, rather than our last one. Because I was really starting to like him and our last date was so nice (I thought). Sometimes it seems like the better time I have with a guy, the better I think it went, the less he's likely to contact me again. You know how you just know on a gut level? That's how I feel. BTW, Ocean Blue I was thinking about it and realized why it's so hard for me not to contact a guy after a date and wait for him. It's because I feel certain on some level that if I don't I'll never hear from him again. And I think that's probably pretty accurate in most cases. Like with OKCupid guy I bet I would have never heard from him after even our first date. Probably the same with J had I not suggested we hang out again at the end of our hookup. I guess part of me hopes that if I allow them to see me enough, they'll get over whatever negative first impression they have since I know how off-puttingly awkward I can be at first. Yet I tend to totally change and loosen up once I get to know someone well. But I think it's also that contacting them allows me to hold on to some shred of hope that they would have. In other words, by beating them to the punch I don't get the opportunity to have find out for sure and have my worst fears confirmed. So it's sort of delaying the inevitable rejection. Which is stupid of course. Better to know sooner rather than later, right? I just know he's blowing me off. I can feel it. This sucks because I was so excited about him! I really thought we had made a connection. It's interesting how much more frequently I'm getting rejected recently. It used to be that a first date or encounter with a guy almost always led to them wanting a relationship with me. In fact, before this summer I had a 100 percent success rate with that. I haven't gotten any worse socially or psychologically. In the past, I had more even more issues. It must be my appearance. I think before I was pretty enough that guys were willing to forgive some of my flaws, but now they're much harder on me. Probably me going for more attractive guys also doesn't help. Get out of my head I could write pretty much everything you have just written word for word. Especially the bolded parts are true for me too. You are now completly down in the negativity cycle and your perceptions are off. The tricky thing with this guy is that he is a workholic. For now work is gonig to be his priority and dominate his schedule. Which means that you will have to be extra patient. Another thing that I have learned: when a guy REALLY doesn't want to see you, nothing you can do will change that. No amount of contacting him will pressure him into seeing you. You had a great date last night. It's not even been 24 hours. You are your own worst enemy now. Realistically, you truly have nothing to worry about.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Oh, a few things in retrospect. When we were talking about random things in bed, we got on the subject of how comfortably we each are socially. I said in a jokingly self-depracating way: "I'm terrible at small talk." And he laughed and said emphatically, "yeah you are." I mean I know it wasn't mean-spirited -- he's a very blunt person -- but it made me feel like he was critical of that aspect of me. From talking to him, I kind of feel like he thinks of me as a younger version of him (how he was in his early twenties). He says he used to be really pessimistic and also bad at talking to people, because he always felt different, but he's trained himself since then and improved a lot. I suspect he decided he doesn't like me, because I remind him of all of his weaknesses...which is unfortunate since I also have a lot of strengths. I was afraid if I didn't drink before we hung out I would ruin things by being too shy, and that was exactly what happened. I wasn't just shy, I was like silent for the first hour or two when we were walking around with other people at the fair. Without the alcohol, I was that nervous. I thought just being myself would be good enough, but guys are so unforgiving.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I mean this in the nicest possible way -- girl, you need to get a hobby! Find something to DO besides sitting around thinking and wringing your brain in worry all the time. Are you attracted to people who are obsessing about your every action and word, or people who live and enjoy life no matter what other people are doing?
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I mean this in the nicest possible way -- girl, you need to get a hobby! Find something to DO besides sitting around thinking and wringing your brain in worry all the time. Are you attracted to people who are obsessing about your every action and word, or people who live and enjoy life no matter what other people are doing? I know, this is really unhealthy. And I do do other things, believe me. It's just that these thoughts keep distracting me.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) Most guys my age will like cringe when a girl reveals ANY vulnerabilities or insecurities in the early stages of dating. I wish I could just be honest. Not that I have to let it all hang out. But why is it such a huge deal that I'm nervous and shy at first, especially when it's obvious that once I loosen up I can be a pleasure to hang with (as I was when we got back to his place). Why aren't there more guys who find early nerves endearing and flattering rather than a total turn off? I feel like when I was a lot younger, guys were nicer and just thought it was cute that I was nervous at first. They got to know me better and were always happy with what they discovered. The older guys I've hung with are more jaded and less forgiving. They don't even bother getting to know me better. He made a comment on that party last week that he loves Kafka, but Kafka would be a total downer to hang out with. He said you want to read Kafka's thoughts, but you don't want to grab a beer with him...or something along those lines. That's probably how he feels about me. The thing is I can be a downer at first, but once I reach a certain comfort level with somebody I'm very different -- I joke around all the time, and everyone who knows me well says they have a great time with me. It's just I have so much trouble convincing people to get to know me past that surface impression. And that surface impression is hard to change because my mind just blanks out on light-hearted things when I'm nervous. The fact is I may always be shy. I'll probably improve some if I work on it, but that's just who I am. I thought it was interesting that there were socializing self help books all over his room. No wonder he doesn't like me. I symbolize everything he's trying to move away from. I know everyone on here is tired of hearing me whine and analyze this crap. But it's the only place I can come to vent. I'm tired of myself too. I want to close the door on this chapter of my life forever. Edited October 1, 2010 by coloredinks
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Most guys my age will like cringe when a girl reveals ANY vulnerabilities or insecurities in the early stages of dating. Disagree completely. Vulnerability is endearing and attractive. What they cringe at is unhealthy obsession, and unreasonable insecurities devoid of any foundation. Shadow/Coloredinks...you're gonna have to change more than just your user name before you'll see positive change in your life. Yes, this is the only place you feel comfortable enough to vent...but should you even be venting at this point? There are no bad signs here. You're making Vesuvius out of a speedbump.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Disagree completely. Vulnerability is endearing and attractive. What they cringe at is unhealthy obsession, and unreasonable insecurities devoid of any foundation. Shadow/Coloredinks...you're gonna have to change more than just your user name before you'll see positive change in your life. Yes, this is the only place you feel comfortable enough to vent...but should you even be venting at this point? There are no bad signs here. You're making Vesuvius out of a speedbump. I agree with that, but those aren't things that they even learn about me until much later, because I try to keep them in check, but once I become too comfortable and get lazy after a few months the relationship usually fails. That's not even an issue at this point. It's my awkwardness/stiffness/dryness before I build an easy rapport with somebody. I think some form of superficial vulnerability early on is endearing to guys, but not others. The kind of well-honed vulnerability that a girl cultivates into her charm. I'm not speaking for all guys here. There are some who are just very open-minded, good people who will truly look past the surface, but those are soooo hard to come by, especially as you get older. Most guys may find it cute if a girl is a bit absent-minded or self-depracating. Those are some examples. But real vulnerability, the type everyone has deep down, if it's apparent at the start (which it usually is with people who are very shy), they hate it. They also hate it when they sniff the slightest whiff of clinginess in a woman, and they can have a pretty low bar for what's considered clingy. To many men a girl being really into them at the start = clingy. So I'm kind of screwed with a lot of guys because I'm both very shy at first and I get easily excited by guys I really like.
USMCHokie Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 To many men a girl being really into them at the start = clingy. I don't really understand this...is it really true...? Maybe Green is right, I don't think like a guy...
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I don't really understand this...is it really true...? Maybe Green is right, I don't think like a guy... No, you don't. You're one of those open-minded, truly good guys that I mentioned.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I agree with that, but those aren't things that they even learn about me until much later, because I try to keep them in check, but once I become too comfortable and get lazy after a few months the relationship usually fails. What's probably happening here is that you present yourself one way, and then once you become comfortable your true colors come out, and you look like you flipped the switch on them. How about being yourself from the get-go? That's not even an issue at this point. It's my awkwardness/stiffness/dryness before I build an easy rapport with somebody. But you did build an easy rapport with this guy, did you not? Isn't it easy? Casual? Breezy? Comfortable? That's how you've described all your interactions with him from your makeout on... So who cares how you think other guys typically respond to you? He's not every guy. I'm not speaking for all guys here. There are some who are just very open-minded, good people who will truly look past the surface, but those are soooo hard to come by, especially as you get older. I find the opposite to be true, actually. The older and more mature PEOPLE (men AND women) get, the more willing they are to look beyond the superficial surface. I'm still waiting for YOU to look beyond the surface though... But real vulnerability, the type everyone has deep down, if it's apparent at the start (which it usually is with people who are very shy), they hate it. Again, disagree that men don't like vulnerability, even when it's apparent. An outgoing, confident person, might not feel compatible with someone who's painfully shy and uncomfortable in their own skin. They also hate it when they sniff the slightest whiff of clinginess in a woman, and they can have a pretty low bar for what's considered clingy. To many men a girl being really into them at the start = clingy. That, I agree with.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I know I have a lot of changing to do. I wish I had more confidence in my ability to even change. I'm scared of putting in effort and getting nowhere. But I guess that's a risk I have to take. I have tried improving my social skills. In fact, every moment that I socialize I'm putting so damn much pressure on myself to improve. I guess I must be going about it the wrong way. Maybe I should buy some self help books. I think I'll take spookie's advice and take a month off from worrying about my social/romantic life to get sober*, physically fit and improve my work habits. Then maybe after I do that I can put some effort into socializing. But I shouldn't be afraid of letting my social life go to **** right now. *I never thought in a million years I thought I'd be writing this, since in the past I never abused any substances, and I still loathe the taste of alcohol, but since my ex dumped me, every time I've had a date except for the last time (and to a lesser extent the time before), I've pregamed by getting piss drunk. Same, to a lesser extent, at social events where there's alcohol because I feel like I need it to not be a mute. I'm probably ruining my liver and heart. I need to stop. Also, it's really bad to take in excess with my medication.
USMCHokie Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 No, you don't. You're one of those open-minded, truly good guys that I mentioned. Well thanks... But seriously though, back to that...does every guy really run away because you showed interest? I mean...WTF...? I'm really trying to understand it...
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I don't really understand this...is it really true...? Maybe Green is right, I don't think like a guy... Yes, it's true. And yes, Green is right...about that, anyway.
LisaLee Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 They also hate it when they sniff the slightest whiff of clinginess in a woman, and they can have a pretty low bar for what's considered clingy. To many men a girl being really into them at the start = clingy. I kind of disagree with this. I have wondered about this recently, and I think it is more about the couple being on the same page. For example, I am not going to deny it, I'm very clingy with my SO. From the moment we started dating I latched on like a leech and have not let up. I believe my level of clinginess would have driven any normal person away. However, my SO is equally clingy with me. I dare say we are codependent when it comes to each other. I am also extremely insecure and judgmental of myself, so he usually gets a daily diatribe of everything that is wrong with me. He always negates every bad thing I say about myself. Frankly, I'm surprised he is not sick to death of me. So I think it's a matter of finding someone who is on the same page as you... someone who can help balance out your neurotic tendencies, but is as easily excited as you.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Well thanks... But seriously though, back to that...does every guy really run away because you showed interest? I mean...WTF...? I'm really trying to understand it... No, it's like you can show interest but you always have to be restrained at the beginning. It's a whole game. Whenever I've thought, fck it, I'm not gonna play the game, it always backfires
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Well thanks... But seriously though, back to that...does every guy really run away because you showed interest? I mean...WTF...? I'm really trying to understand it... Many guys will freak out and run, run, run. They feel caged in. One friend of mine says he feels like he's "on lock down" if a girl tries to set/confirm a date with him. They also tend to lose interest if "it" is available for them on a silver platter. I don't think guys run away from Shadow/CI because she shows interest. I don't think I've ever read anything from her, in fact, that even comes close to clingy. Really. Clingy is not the same as doormat.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 So I think it's a matter of finding someone who is on the same page as you... someone who can help balance out your neurotic tendencies, but is as easily excited as you. Totally agree. I've said this before. We're all crazy. You just gotta figure out what brand of crazy you are, and find someone who wants to buy it.
USMCHokie Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 No, it's like you can show interest but you always have to be restrained at the beginning. It's a whole game. Whenever I've thought, fck it, I'm not gonna play the game, it always backfires Well, the moment you treat it like a game, then it turns into a game... What ever happened to "boy likes girl + girl likes boy = :love: ?"
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I kind of disagree with this. I have wondered about this recently, and I think it is more about the couple being on the same page. For example, I am not going to deny it, I'm very clingy with my SO. From the moment we started dating I latched on like a leech and have not let up. I believe my level of clinginess would have driven any normal person away. However, my SO is equally clingy with me. I dare say we are codependent when it comes to each other. I am also extremely insecure and judgmental of myself, so he usually gets a daily diatribe of everything that is wrong with me. He always negates every bad thing I say about myself. Frankly, I'm surprised he is not sick to death of me. So I think it's a matter of finding someone who is on the same page as you... someone who can help balance out your neurotic tendencies, but is as easily excited as you. I guess the problem is the guys I'm attracted to don't appreciate any trace of insecurity or clinginess at the beginning. And I don't think it's a bad thing for me to want to be with these guys -- the boys (yes boys) I dated who shared my problems led to disastrous, enabling relationships. So who I am right now isn't good enough for who I need to be with to have a healthy relationship.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Well, the moment you treat it like a game, then it turns into a game... What ever happened to "boy likes girl + girl likes boy = :love: ?" the modern, brutal, competitive world we live in happened, where emotion is sneered upon and always stuffed beneath the surface. I think the formula above mostly applies to puppy love before people get jaded and hardened (hence why I say younger guys were more forgiving of my foibles), and a few amazing individuals who never lose their joie de vivre.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 What ever happened to "boy likes girl + girl likes boy = :love: ?" :love: I guess the problem is the guys I'm attracted to don't appreciate any trace of insecurity or clinginess at the beginning. And I don't think it's a bad thing for me to want to be with these guys -- the boys (yes boys) I dated who shared my problems led to disastrous, enabling relationships. So who I am right now isn't good enough for who I need to be with to have a healthy relationship. This is because most confident, happy, secure guys (the guys you're attracted to) usually are attracted to their female counterparts. I don't know how many times I can say this. Until you're confident and happy with yourself, you're not going to find a confident happy guy to be with. You'll end up with the male version of you...which is what's led you to those horrible relationships in the past (like you said). If J doesn't work out, I really think you ought to enter a moratorium on dating. Like, for at least a year. Work on you, and only you. I'm dead serious.
USMCHokie Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 the modern, brutal, competitive world we live in happened, where emotion is sneered upon and always stuffed beneath the surface. I think the formula above mostly applies to puppy love before people get jaded and hardened (hence why I say younger guys were more forgiving of my foibles), and a few amazing individuals who never lose their joie de vivre. Good point...I guess like Star and Lisa said, it's a matter of finding the person who doesn't sneer upon emotion...
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