LisaLee Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I dated who shared my problems led to disastrous, enabling relationships. So who I am right now isn't good enough for who I need to be with to have a healthy relationship. I definitely don't think you need to be with someone who shares your problems. You need to be with someone who recognizes you have security issues, and wants to be with you despite it all. But I also believe that you do need to work on building your confidence before you get too heavy into dating. From what you have posted I would say it is definitely your awkwardness that is difficult for people to relate to. EDIT: Just read SG's post and she beat me to the punch.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I'm scared the awkwardness isn't something I can overcome. I've been socializing a lot more in the last few months, and haven't improved much. I don't know how.
florence of suburbia Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I understand what C-Inks is saying about her emotional vulnerability. She should work on being confident and not making people ill at ease. But she shouldn't feel she has to put forth a false persona. C-Inks clearly values authenticity, and she'd rather someone knows she's nervous than stuff her feelings completely. Part of the reason she's nervous is because relationships matter to her, and that is a good thing. I remember once I was meeting a boyfriend at the airport, and I was nervous because I really liked him and I hadn't seen him in a few months. To me, the airport meeting was something emotional and special. When I got there, it turned out a guy friend of his also showed up to meet him. I couldn't hide how disappointed and upset I felt about it. Meanwhile, they were all chummy and casual, so I felt like I came across as a loser. Later I realized we just weren't compatible.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) I remember once I was meeting a boyfriend at the airport, and I was nervous because I really liked him and I hadn't seen him in a few months. To me, the airport meeting was something emotional and special. When I got there, it turned out a guy friend of his also showed up to meet him. I couldn't hide how disappointed and upset I felt about it. Meanwhile, they were all chummy and casual, so I felt like I came across as a loser. Later I realized we just weren't compatible. Yep, this sort of thing has happened to me before. It would be so great to have a relationship where you didn't think twice about expressing affection. For me it's always, "is this coming on too strong?" For a woman you often have to meter out affection in small increments as the relationship develops, hoping one day you guys reach a level of intimacy where you can just be direct, but that is far from certain. Edited October 1, 2010 by coloredinks
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I'm scared the awkwardness isn't something I can overcome. I've been socializing a lot more in the last few months, and haven't improved much. I don't know how. Travel south and meet me in D.C. next month (while Hokie's having his gym time, aka social hour) and I'll smack the awkwardness right outta ya.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Travel south and meet me in D.C. next month (while Hokie's having his gym time, aka social hour) and I'll smack the awkwardness right outta ya. ha, how would you do that?
OceanGirl Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Yep, this sort of thing has happened to me before. It would be so great to have a relationship where you didn't think twice about expressing affection. For me it's always, "is this coming on too strong?" Tell me about it Like Star mentioned in one of her posts, with the politician guy I was always pressuring him to set exact time and place for the next date. He was always giving me vague answers and once snapped with "I feel like you are constantly cornering me" I am trying not to do the same with this guy. To be honest I have to constantly repress all my emotions and impulses and it sucks.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Yep, this sort of thing has happened to me before. It would be so great to have a relationship where you didn't think twice about expressing affection. For me it's always, "is this coming on too strong?" For a woman you often have to meter out affection in small increments as the relationship develops, hoping one day you guys reach a level of intimacy where you can just be direct, but that is far from certain. That should have read: As a woman, you often feel that you have to meter out affection to a guy in small chunks over time, hoping one day you guys reach a level of intimacy where you can just throw caution to the wind, but it could all collapse at any time if you make the wrong move.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) Tell me about it Like Star mentioned in one of her posts, with the politician guy I was always pressuring him to set exact time and place for the next date. He was always giving me vague answers and once snapped with "I feel like you are constantly cornering me" I am trying not to do the same with this guy. To be honest I have to constantly repress all my emotions and impulses and it sucks. Yep, me too. With J last night I had an urge several times while were cuddling in bed to say, "I really like you." Each time the thought came, I killed it. There were also several times where I wanted to compliment him on his intelligence or his looks, but I only allowed myself to give him one or two: "I bet you'd make a really good writer," and later "you have a great memory for details of what people say." Even that felt like a little much. It would have been HILARIOUS and disastrous if he could have heard what I was actually thinking of him, and how fond I am. At one point, during a silence in bed, I asked him what he was thinking, and he said he was thinking about some of the points I made in our film conversation earlier. Such a guy... Edited October 1, 2010 by coloredinks
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Tell me about it Like Star mentioned in one of her posts, with the politician guy I was always pressuring him to set exact time and place for the next date. He was always giving me vague answers and once snapped with "I feel like you are constantly cornering me" I am trying not to do the same with this guy. To be honest I have to constantly repress all my emotions and impulses and it sucks. I love your icon picture! You look gorgeous and so happy. You don't need to lose weight at all. I don't get what you're worried about.
USMCHokie Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Travel south and meet me in D.C. next month (while Hokie's having his gym time, aka social hour) and I'll smack the awkwardness right outta ya. I think I can sacrifice my social hour for a day so I get a turn at smacking the awkwardness out of colored (it's still weird calling you this... ) I'll bring the boat paddle! I love your icon picture! You look gorgeous and so happy. You don't need to lose weight at all. I don't get what you're worried about. +1,000,000. Seriously.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) I have a confession. I'm sure you guys can guess what it is. I told one of my LS friends off the board, but I was scared of getting attacked if I was honest about it on here. I think it's important to know, because it does change things. We had sex. From the first time we hooked up we did, also on the first official date and last night. The night of our hookup I guess I had an excuse because we were both so hammered. The second night, I didn't really... And he wasn't even trying to. He kissed me, but he wasn't trying to take my clothes off and, when I kept kissing him harder, he said "you're making it very hard for me to be a gentleman." I think he felt like it would be taking advantage of me to have sex when I was sick. And I responded, "then don't be one.":rolleyes: At this point it didn't seem to make sense to me not to screw since we already had. But last night I was determined not to, and he was totally cool with that (remember he said we didn't have to have sex when we go on dates), he said let's just make out then. But my resolve broke down when he kept touching me in bed. I was so attracted to him, it was really hard to control myself. I kept teasing him that he was making it so hard for me not to have sex with him. And he kept laughing. Finally we were both lying there naked touching each other, and I was like wtf let's just do it. In the moment my rule seemed kind of arbitrary, since I had already broken it twice with him. But then of course after I regretted it. The sex with him is obviously really good, and I can tell he likes it a lot too. And he was quite physically affectionate after. But yeah, that's totally screwed up my head. And it was a bad move in terms of getting him to take me seriously. I still think he's interested in me as a person, but I wish we hadn't ever gone there...especially because he wasn't even pushing it heavily after we hooked up, so it was all my doing this is why i'm flipping out... Edited October 1, 2010 by coloredinks
LisaLee Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Tsk, tsk, Shadow. Why did you have sex with him so quickly?
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Tsk, tsk, Shadow. Why did you have sex with him so quickly? We were both so drunk when it happened. And then after the first time, it was hard to stop. But I should have. I'm just so attracted to him, it's really hard to control.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I think I'm going to abandon this thread awhile as I anticipate the onslaught of criticism.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 So you had sex from the very first night, not even on a date...and have had sex with him each time since then. Sweet. Yeah, that changes things - big time. Why would you lie to us? This isn't the first time you've totally lied to the people of LS. Why do you do this? What help and advice do you possibly think you can get if you don't tell us the whole story? Thanks for wasting our time, AGAIN, Shadow/Colored. Shame on me for thinking anything had changed. Sigh.
LisaLee Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) We were both so drunk when it happened. And then after the first time, it was hard to stop. But I should have. I'm just so attracted to him, it's really hard to control. Yup, alcohol does that to me, too. In Tequila, out slut. I really don't have any advice beyond what people have told you many times before and what you know yourself. It does change things, though. So does he look at you as a FWB? So you had sex from the very first night, not even on a date...and have had sex with him each time since then. Sweet. Yeah, that changes things - big time. Why would you lie to us? This isn't the first time you've totally lied to the people of LS. Why do you do this? What help and advice do you possibly think you can get if you don't tell us the whole story? Thanks for wasting our time, AGAIN, Shadow/Colored. Shame on me for thinking anything had changed. Sigh. I feel the same way. I had to really think about what to post, because everything has been said umpteen times before... and it has apparently fallen on deaf ears. Edited October 1, 2010 by LisaLee
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 Yup, alcohol does that to me, too. In Tequila, out slut. I really don't have any advice beyond what people have told you many times before and what you know yourself. It does change things, though. So does he look at you as a FWB? I don't know. I do know that he's definitely interested in me as a person, and has wanted to get to know me better. And we've gone on actual dates, where he's paid, put in effort and tried to get to know me. He also has an uncanny ability to remember every thing I say and notice little details about my personality. And he's not at all pushing the sex on me. if anything, he's kind of tried to divert us from that, like when I was in his room and he directed us to the living room to talk. That doesn't mean he'll decide to commit to me of course. I do think I screwed things up by having sex with him.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 (edited) Yup, alcohol does that to me, too. In Tequila, out slut. I really don't have any advice beyond what people have told you many times before and what you know yourself. It does change things, though. So does he look at you as a FWB? I feel the same way. I had to really think about what to post, because everything has been said umpteen times before... and it has apparently fallen on deaf ears. don't you think it's a bit different when you're extremely drunk and have sex with somebody though? I mean your judgment is impaired. You even said so yourself. With the last guy I wasn't drunk and had sex with him any way simply because I wanted him to like me, not because I actually wanted to. With J I wanted to and was drunk. Then once it's been done the first time, it always feels weird to stop, especially when you have a genuine desire to and really like the person. As for lying on LS, most of my LS friends have lied at one point or another because they know how brutal respondents can be. I think I just fess up more than other people, but every time I've lied (and I think it was just twice, about being with my ex ex and this thing), I've always come clean. Edited October 1, 2010 by coloredinks
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I'm sorry for misleading you guys about that.
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I feel the same way. I had to really think about what to post, because everything has been said umpteen times before... and it has apparently fallen on deaf ears. I'm now waiting for SACWA/Ocean's confession. Oh, and S/CI: It wasn't even misleading. It was an outright lie.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 I'm now waiting for SACWA/Ocean's confession. Oh, and S/CI: It wasn't even misleading. It was an outright lie. I wasn't referring to Ocean. Some of these people don't post on LS anymore. There's a difference between the two?
Star Gazer Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 There's a difference between the two? If you had left it out, that would be misleading. But you were asked point blank if you had sex, and you said no. That's a lie...obviously. Why am I even typing in this thread...? Someone smack me for caring.
LisaLee Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 don't you think it's a bit different when you're extremely drunk and have sex with somebody though? I mean your judgment is impaired. You even said so yourself. I do not like drunk sex.... because it is usually the situation you described... a random hook up with little to no emotions attached. One guy I did end up in a relationship with after a drunk hook up but I always regretted giving it up so easily and our relationship went nowhere fast. I recently had drunk sex with my current SO and did not enjoy it nearly as much as when I am sober. For one thing a part of me was worried I was going to puke. For another... and this is the biggie... it was the sheer fact of being inebriated. I couldn't focus, I couldn't enjoy the sex, or him the way I do when I'm sober. We are at a point in our relationship where sex is what we use to express how much we love each other. Corny, but true. Alcohol clouds that emotional bond. So to answer your question, yes, I do think it is different... but probably not the same way you do. From reading past posts it sounds like sex is a very awkward thing for you, especially with a relative stranger. It seems like you are using alcohol to take away the awkwardness. But when you do that the chances of making a real emotional connection (or even feeling one) is limited, especially for your partner. You complain about having to dole out affection, and if you give too much the guy runs away. Honestly, you put yourself in that situation, Shadow. You can't say things as innocuous as "I really like you" because you had sex with him so early. The sex makes everything so different! I don't need to tell you to think about your actions, Shadow, you already know you need to... it is a matter of acting on what you already know is the right way to handle a situation. In your case alcohol is NOT your friend. I'm sorry for misleading you guys about that. I fully believed you, and did not suspect for one minute you had sex with him. It's quite disappointing.
Author coloredinks Posted October 1, 2010 Author Posted October 1, 2010 You complain about having to dole out affection, and if you give too much the guy runs away. Honestly, you put yourself in that situation, Shadow. You can't say things as innocuous as "I really like you" because you had sex with him so early. The sex makes everything so different! can you elaborate on this? i'm not sure i understand. I really am sorry for lying to you guys, and I'll totally understand if you don't want to give me advice.
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