Walked in on bf in bed with another woman..

[NayWinter]

People! What was supposed to be a place for others to provide support and guidance for someone who was hurt emotionally and felt that she could turn to people here at a time of need has turned into a place where everyone is discussing the legalities of what happened at the house!

 

Can we please drop the legal discussions and focus on the thread here? If you want to debate the issue of breaking and entering and domestic violence, please leave and go somewhere else! I know this is not my thread but I can see by reading all your postings that this is not helping anyone! By doing this, you guys are not being supportive at all!

 

Until you have something like this happen to you, you are in no place to judge her for acting the way she did.

 

For the record, when I went over to confront my cheating ex about a dating profile of him that I found online (No, I was NOT looking for myself, I had my suspicions) I went over to his place, middle of the night, with the key that he gave me, found a strange car on his driveway, went inside, lo and behold found him in bed with another woman. She left graciously - even told me how she didn't know he had a gf, how she's sorry for coming between us, how they just started seeing each other, etc - I even thanked her when she wished me luck and left the house. Yes, others would have gone another route with her, but I know she was simply another girl and could have been easily replaced with another chick. I know the problem lies with him, not her.

 

But she left, and I went up to him, smacked him across the cheek, proceeded to whack him with my fist and pillows while he covered his face. I threw objects across the room. I took a drink of water and splashed the rest on his face. Am I proud of what I did? No. But when you turn my heart inside out and lie to me and hurt me so profoundly do you expect me to act rational? No. I'm sure there are people who would have had the strength to turn around and walk away and never look back but I'm sorry if I'm not that strong. But at the end of the day, the stinging on his cheek will go away but my heart forever aches.

 

I'm not saying violence is the way to go, but please don't judge unless you've been in that situation. And if you can't understand or have empathy and all you care about is the legalities of what happened, i don't think this thread is for you.

 

Naywinter - i can't pm you either. my thread is about 15 below yours entitled "Am i in denial about what happened?" hope you are doing better today will find a way to be in touch with you later

 

Thank you so much. I did come here for support and most of you have been great , and I appreciate that so much.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Good morning everyone. I was going through and reading everyone's posts, but I wanted to clear this one up right away. NO, I'm not married anymore. I've been seperated for 4 years, and divorced for about 9 months. I mis-typed in that post and didn't notice it. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Taken at face value, this means that for most of your three year long relationship with your ex bf, you were still married to your former/ex-husband.

 

It seems to me this is a critical fact which you chose not to disclose in your OP nor anywhere else in this thread, and would not have done so unless it was brought to your attention.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Thank you. No, I'm not a violient person. I reacted in a violent way one time in my life.

 

This thread is not about your entire life, it's about that particular incident because you chose to start a discussion about it. You certainly didn't have to include the part about the physical confrontation but you chose to do so. You may have been looking for validation for your actions, many have given you that validation, some of us have not.

 

Instead you could have simply posted a thread about having been separated and involved with someone for three years, then discovered he was cheating on you, what should you do about that.

 

As far as whether or not you have displayed physical violence in other contexts, no one has any way of really knowing that. Taking your word for it, you've never acted this way before, suggests a serious emotional problem that you need to have checked out before you get yourself into serious trouble and hurt yourself or someone else.

[NayWinter]

Also, regarding the issue of the woman I found in his bed.. He forced me out of his room and pinned me against the wall for yelling. When he let me go, I hit him. When I went to the bedroom where she was, the door was closed. I tried getting in, kicked the door, gave up and just asked her the question that I mentioned before. Not sure why I bothered asking her that question, not like she would have told me the truth anyway, but that's what I did.

 

Had I gotten into the bedroom, I don't know that I would have hit her. The reason I didn't go after her in the first place was because from what I knew at that time, she had no idea about me.

 

It wasn't until I calmed down and she came out and talked to me, that I found out that bf had been parroting everything I ever told him about myself. Every single personal thing. So, IMHO, if I wanted to attack her, it would have been AFTER I found out that she knew about me, still slept with my bf, knew I had keys and could walk in at any time, and I didn't.

 

Also, yes my relationship with my now xbf was supposed to be exclusive. We both agreed on that. We were't engaged, but he did give me an egagement ring that I declined to wear at that point because I already had a failed marriage and it was a difficult thing for me to accept. He still has the ring for whenever I was ready to accept it. Being as this was a serious relationship, when I was ready, I would have worn the ring and probably eventually married this man. I just wanted to be damn sure that I wasn't making a mistake. Good thing I wanted to make sure!

 

Some people can say I need help or say that I'm a violent person all day long. The fact of the matter is when you're faced with a situation like that, you don't plan on how you're going to react. Your life changes in a second and it's a very hard thing to see with your own eyes. This was the only time I've ever been violent in my life and I regret it. There were way better ways to handle myself, but I obviously can't stress that enough or take back the fact that I behaved irrationally at a time when I had every emotion running through my head and my whole world had changed in an instant.

[harmfulsweetz]

Not at all. You and a lot of other people were duped by the OP's story, you rose to her defense apparently for no other reason than she was female (that's sexism in my book), trying to rationalize her violent behavior that you would not have accepted for five seconds had the OP been a male, not a female.

 

Even when 2sunny actually found her original post at Love Shack proving OP was married and hence a cheater herself, it was disregarded.

 

Even now you're trying to smear me (!) for being correct.

 

Sorry, you're wrong, and the continued snide insinuations and attacks on myself (and one or two others) for having gotten the correct measure of the OP's behavior doesn't reflect well on you, at all.

 

 

Opinions can't be correct, as they aren't fact-please try not to confuse that.

 

It is my opinion that you are deliberately bating the OP to get a response, and are simply reiterating points previously stated. We all know getting violent isn't the answer, OP, herself, admits this. What's done is done, she can't change that action anymore than her xbf can change the fact he betrayed her. Get over it. Move on, unless you can offer some actual advice which would benefit the OP.

 

OP, glad you cleared that up, everyone has typos, . Right now, the best thing you can do is look after yourself, forget about this loser, move on from this.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Geez, you call me a "violent person" but it seems you have anger issues all your own.

 

You can certainly try to rationalize your behavior all you please, but you did what you did, and you shouldn't have expected to get a 100% "pass" on what you did when posting on a public internet forum. You are not immune to criticism simply because of your gender. You could have very seriously injured someone--you ex bf, his gf, or yourself--or could have been injured by your ex bf or his gf if they had reacted to your attack in a different manner.

 

Whether or not I have "anger issues" (whatever that is supposed to mean), has nothing to do with the propriety of how you acted in a particular situation.

 

You seem to think that the violent part of your confrontation is almost an afterthought as to your entire situation and the entire relationship with this person. You need to re-think that perspective entirely. I believe if you are going to be entirely honest about how this all went down, it was not a coincidence that you went over to his house to "surprise" him that particular morning. You said in your first post on this thread that you didn't really trust this guy. You also said when you saw the car in his driveway you automatically "knew" he was with another woman. So there must have been something in his prior behavior that would cause you to correctly know that the car belonged to an other woman, as opposed to say maybe one of his relatives or a buddy who needed a place to crash that evening.

 

 

Every post of yours has been spewing venom.

 

LOL no it hasn't. Every post of mine has been insisting on honesty, and not giving you any passes for violent behavior.

 

 

I wasn't a "cheater". I was seperated, as in not living with my XH for a year before I met this loser.

 

....whatever. You were still married to someone else for the better part of your three year relationship with your ex bf and you neglected to mention that until it was pointed out to you. The fact that you were STILL MARRIED for most of your relationship with the ex-bf casts the entire situation in a different light. It would be VERY unusual to expect a serious commitment from someone when one is STILL MARRIED albeit separated.

 

People do reconcile even after extended separations. You had a bf, yes, but you still had a husband. It wouldn't make too much sense to commit to someone who hadn't finalized their divorce yet. So let's say you finally got divorced nine months ago, you've been "dating" the ex bf for two years and 3 months. What discussion did you have about mutual expectations when the divorce was finally finalized? That would have been a natural point for the two of you to have moved in together, if you really wanted to escalate the relationship, but you chose not to. So why would your ex-bf believe his relationship with you was particularly serious if, after finally getting your divorce, you told him no, you didn't actually want to move in with him (in your first post in this thread you made it clear that was your decision, not the ex-bf's).

 

It sounds like you were very ambivalent about this ex-bf because you knew he was flawed and didn't want to commit to him. But then when you found out he was seeing someone else it made you jealous. You didn't really "want" him that much until you found out someone else wanted him as well.

 

You also haven't discussed from your side of things whether or not during this three year period you 1) ever had sex with your ex-h; 2) ever had sex with or at least been involved with any other guys than the ex-bf. So are you saying for the entire three years you didn't date anyone else, ever? Again knowing this would put a different angle on your situation.

 

 

You're quick to jump up and judge someone over a typo.

 

"Typo" is beside the point. You neglected to mention that you were actually still married until nine months ago. We could also discuss the fact that your story has changed during the course of the thread. In your first post you stated you punched him "several" times and that you broke into the house. As you started receiving some criticism for that from a couple of posters you started to change and minimize your conduct. "Several" turned into "a couple". "Broke into" turned into pushing hard on the screen door handle with the "permission" of your bf.

 

 

That was my first post on here in yearrrrrsss. Regardless, I'm not going to respond to your insulting, misinformed, judgemental, hateful remarks anymore. Have a nice da.y

 

If I'm misinformed that's because you haven't been fully forthcoming with the correct facts, and I'm all ears if you want to make any further clarifications.

 

As to the rest of your attacks, obviously you are not ready to own your behavior. That's the key to the entire thread, stop looking for other people to blame for your situation, be it your ex-husband, your ex-bf, the other woman, or random posters on the internet.

 

You want to receive 100% positive reinforcement for what is clearly dysfunctional behavior. Since I want to help you, I can't in good conscious agree with the majority here.

[NayWinter]

Opinions can't be correct, as they aren't fact-please try not to confuse that.

 

It is my opinion that you are deliberately bating the OP to get a response, and are simply reiterating points previously stated. We all know getting violent isn't the answer, OP, herself, admits this. What's done is done, she can't change that action anymore than her xbf can change the fact he betrayed her. Get over it. Move on, unless you can offer some actual advice which would benefit the OP.

 

OP, glad you cleared that up, everyone has typos, . Right now, the best thing you can do is look after yourself, forget about this loser, move on from this.

 

I feel I'm being bated too. It's pointless because I'm not going to respond to nonsense. Thank you for your help. I'm trying to forget about the loser.. the sooner the better. Just wish it was sooner.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Also, regarding the issue of the woman I found in his bed.. He forced me out of his room and pinned me against the wall for yelling.

 

But, you "forced" your way into his house, his room. "His" room. "His" bed. (Not "our" room. Not "our" bed.) He was with another woman at the time. You seem to believe you were entitled to do what you did, and that he was wrong for trying to limit your behavior. You still don't seem to "get" that you shouldn't have been in his house in the first place, esp. not seeking a confrontation of some kind which you knew was going to occur when you decided to enter his home, whether that was forced entry or not at this point is almost beside the point, even if the door was wide open, you entered looking for a fight.

 

 

 

When he let me go, I hit him.

 

You punched him "several" times, at least according to your first post. We spent a lot of time discussing whether this was self defense on your part or not. The entire self defense issue is I think a red herring to justify your actions. If you were actually worried about your own safety you would have fled the premises once he let you go. That's what people generally tend to do when they're afraid of getting hurt.

 

 

When I went to the bedroom where she was, the door was closed. I tried getting in, kicked the door

 

Yes because you were angry, so it's understandable emotionally but it's not a self defense situation at all from your POV.

 

 

, gave up and just asked her the question that I mentioned before. Not sure why I bothered asking her that question, not like she would have told me the truth anyway, but that's what I did.

 

Ummm, this other woman whoever she was--apparently you don't know her--owes NOTHING to you in this situation.

 

 

 

Had I gotten into the bedroom, I don't know that I would have hit her.

 

Now at least you're equivocating. But you still didn't rule out attacking her which is what your earlier posts in this thread clearly implied.

 

 

The reason I didn't go after her in the first place was because from what I knew at that time, she had no idea about me.

 

So if she had known about you, it then would have been OK to physically attack her? You see even after calming down and not being in the thick of the situation you still aren't processing things in a cognitively rational fashion.

 

You are not permitted to attack a bf's other gf even if she knows about you. Her knowledge of you does not provide you with license to physically attack her. It's still a crime if you had done it. Fortunately you did not.

 

It wasn't until I calmed down and she came out and talked to me, that I found out that bf had been parroting everything I ever told him about myself. Every single personal thing.

 

Under the circumstances, what is the relevance of this particular nugget of info? I mean seriously--you've just caught your bf in bed with another woman. You've just been in something of a brawl with the bf. Yet what you're actually upset about is that he divulged personal info. about you to his other gf?

 

 

So, IMHO, if I wanted to attack her, it would have been AFTER I found out that she knew about me, still slept with my bf, knew I had keys and could walk in at any time, and I didn't.

 

I think you're missing the point entirely. You seem to think that whether or not you're "allowed" to physically attack someone is dependent upon whether you personally believe there is justification for attacking them. You're talking about attacking/not attacking her as an option that you had but which you chose not to pursue. It doesn't matter what he told her or didn't tell her about you, that still wouldn't have justified attacking her. It should never have been an issue at all.

 

 

 

Also, yes my relationship with my now xbf was supposed to be exclusive. We both agreed on that.

 

You didn't mention that in your first post. When did the exclusivity conversation actually occur? Did it ever actually occur? "Supposed to be exclusive" sounds like an expectation that you formed but you don't explain whether there was any actual commitment made.

 

 

We were't engaged, but he did give me an egagement ring that I declined to wear at that point because I already had a failed marriage and it was a difficult thing for me to accept.

 

You see this history is extremely important and you waited until now after 9 or ten pages to bother posting it. You were supposed to be exclusive, he even gives you a ring, but you REJECTED the ring. It doesn't matter "why" you decided to REJECT it, you made your decision. You're also not clarifying the timing of any of this.

 

Honey if after a three year relationship a guy gives you an engagement ring and you REJECT it you're basically telling him you don't REALLY want a "committed" relationship. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not that kind of rejection is also an indication to the guy that the woman may feel free to get involved with someone else if the right guy comes along. That doesn't mean the woman would necessarily cheat, but it does mean the guy who was rejected has to expect that she is "looking elsewhere."

 

Once you rejected the engagement ring you were in effect telling this guy that all bets were off in the relationship, whether or not that was explicit. He regarded himself as a free agent, but in actuality, so did you. You just hadn't actually found anyone else yet at the time you caught him cheating.

 

 

 

He still has the ring for whenever I was ready to accept it.

 

Look you made your decision. He offered an engagement to you, and you rejected it. After that you should have no expectations whatsoever.

 

 

 

Being as this was a serious relationship, when I was ready, I would have worn the ring and probably eventually married this man.

 

Wow you really do have a sense of entitlement, where is it coming from, I wonder. Your attitude is that the guy should wait for you to make up your mind, rather than move on, when you've clearly rejected him? Even though there is no time frame on your decision making process? That's messed up. No one says you have to marry someone or get engaged if you're not ready but why would you have an expectation that a guy in that situation would tolerate being left in that kind of limbo?

 

 

 

I just wanted to be damn sure that I wasn't making a mistake. Good thing I wanted to make sure!

 

Look, you don't want to confront the reality but the simple fact is that most guys who would willingly get involved with a separated but not yet divorced woman, over a years-long time period, are not likely to be good LTR/faithful relationship material, period. On the contrary guys who get into relationships like this are generally not looking for anything more than a fwb/f-buddy, they are perfectly happy with the woman being legally unavailable to get married, they don't actually want to get married.

 

What's a little different about this situation is that this guy actually came up with an engagement ring, I assume when your divorce was finalized nine months ago, and YOU rejected HIM. O.K. You didn't want him, and now you don't have him. He decided he didn't want to stay in your back pocket as an "option" and good for him.

 

While you make insinuations about this guy's reliability, you don't actually state you have any reason to believe he was cheating on you prior to when you caught him just a few weeks ago. So I'm not going to assume he's some sort of chronic cheater, as you probably want everyone to believe, because there's simply no evidence for that.

 

But, honey, if it's not "cheating" for you to be having sex with your bf even though you're still legally married, then why is it "cheating" if your bf has proposed marriage, which you have then REJECTED, if he's having sex with someone other than you?

 

You made your choice. You REJECTED him. BEFORE he "cheated" on you. It was your call. Commitments aren't a one way street. Getting engaged is a way of not just privately discussing the exclusivity issue, but PUBLICLY DEMONSTRATING it so that it has some teeth. He offered that to you and you rejected it. Generally speaking wearing the engagement ring puts the woman "off limits" to other males (assuming they are the honorable sort of course). By telling him you didn't want to publicly wear his engagement ring you were telling him you didn't want to put yourself explicitly "off limits" to other men, in a public way.

 

 

 

Some people can say I need help or say that I'm a violent person all day long. The fact of the matter is when you're faced with a situation like that, you don't plan on how you're going to react.

 

If you don't have control over your behavior to that extent then you should be frightened about what you did, not seeking approval. But, it actually sounds not like you're uncontrollably violent, which is what it first seemed like. It rather is now starting to sound like you have a great deal of control over your behavior and you used violence, in that particular situation, deliberately. IOW this wasn't just a rageful reaction that you couldn't control, it was deliberate to intimidate/seek vengeance. When you realized she didn't know about you you judged her "innocent" and therefore did not inflict your "judgment" upon her.

 

 

 

Your life changes in a second and it's a very hard thing to see with your own eyes.

 

OK now you've had a LOT of time to think about how you got into that situation. You're not helping yourself by perceiving it as if space aliens just dropped you in front of your ex-bf's house that morning and this stuff just happened to you.

 

You made numerous bad decisions over a three year period all of which led up to and contributed to this ultimate/"inevitable" confrontation/catharsis if you want to call it that. You decided to get "involved" with someone even while still married, he was someone you never really trusted, you admitted that. You pushed him away when he sought a deeper commitment. You rejected his engagement ring clearly indicating you did not want to hold yourself out publicly as "unavailable" to other men, regardless of what you want to say about a private "exclusivity" discussion you may have had at some point. On the day of this incident, you went over to his house because obviously you must have already suspected he was involved with someone else, if not, you would not have immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was another woman when you saw the car in the driveway. You were "looking" for something and you found it. Instead of just turning away from him and mailing the keys, you sought vengeance against him and the other woman. However when you found out she was actually clueless you cut her a break.

 

Your current life situation is not the result of random stuff just happening to you because you are an unlucky person. The way you start to change things in your life, if you want to do that, is to own up to your part in it. Where you are right now, today, is primarily a function of the choices you have made, not what your ex-bf did or didn't do. Regardless of his character flaws assuming you want to perceive him that way. It doesn't matter because YOU are the one who chose to be in a relationship with him for three years and if he was a bad apple then your people picker needs fixing.

 

 

 

This was the only time I've ever been violent in my life and I regret it. There were way better ways to handle myself, but I obviously can't stress that enough or take back the fact that I behaved irrationally at a time when I had every emotion running through my head and my whole world had changed in an instant.

 

If you really regret what you did then you should write your ex-bf an apology letter and the same for the woman he was with. Talk is cheap.

[Dexter Morgan]

Naywinter, please don't get too upset by some of the comments here. LS is like this sometimes, you ask for brutal honesty and often these threads get 'carried away with themselves'. Take it from me Dexter is one of the most brutal hard bast*rds on this site, if he aint got a problem with what you did, take it from me you aint done too much wrong.

 

uh....thanks?

[Dexter Morgan]

Jeez, some posters are like a freakin' dog with a bone. The issue about breaking in and entering is NOT the subject of this post. WHO GIVES A SH*T??

 

those who are offended that the cheater got caught:o

[NayWinter]

uh....thanks?

 

LOL! Your response actually made me laugh. I needed that, so thank you. Thank you for being there for me too. I'm sure that she meant that as a compliment

[reservoirdog1]

Look, you don't want to confront the reality but the simple fact is that most guys who would willingly get involved with a separated but not yet divorced woman, over a years-long time period, are not likely to be good LTR/faithful relationship material, period. On the contrary guys who get into relationships like this are generally not looking for anything more than a fwb/f-buddy, they are perfectly happy with the woman being legally unavailable to get married, they don't actually want to get married.

What are you basing the statements in this paragraph on, exactly? Have you taken a survey? Have you read this somewhere? Because if not, those are ridiculously blanket statements to make on the basis of no real evidence.

 

In my own personal experience, the process of actually getting divorced can take years. Where two people are able to do so amicably, without the assistance of lawyers, they sometimes finalize the division of assets, child arrangements, etc., and decide they don't want to spend the extra time or money actually getting divorced. I've dealt with clients like this, who only get the actual divorce because they're engaged to somebody new.

 

I acknowledge that my experience and observations aren't true of everybody, and what you say may apply in some situations. But your statement is hyperbolic and seems conveniently tailor-made to fit your agenda, whatever it is.

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL! Your response actually made me laugh. I needed that, so thank you. Thank you for being there for me too. I'm sure that she meant that as a compliment

 

LOL, no problem.

 

Like I said before. You know your behavior was wrong, you know you shouldn't have broken in and is not to be condoned.

 

And you also realize, I hope, that even though the sniveling, hiding OW in the bedroom wasn't worth wanting to go after, all you should have done is throw the key at your bf's face and tell him you are through and left.

 

I had the same emotions you did when I walked in on an old girlfriend and another guy. I'm not a violent person, but when faced with that kind of emotion, I wanted to jump on the bed and start wailing. But I took a deep breath and exercised self-control.

 

Your emotions are understandable, just live and learn. Next time you suspect someone is cheating and they are obviously trying to keep you from walking in on them, just leave. They aren't worth it and your self-respect is worth more.

[flying]

Hi NayWinter. I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

 

I just wanted to tell you - the "Ignore" button is your friend. You can choose to put specific posters on "ignore" with whom you feel you can't have a helpful interaction.

[NayWinter]

LOL, no problem.

 

Like I said before. You know your behavior was wrong, you know you shouldn't have broken in and is not to be condoned.

 

And you also realize, I hope, that even though the sniveling, hiding OW in the bedroom wasn't worth wanting to go after, all you should have done is throw the key at your bf's face and tell him you are through and left.

 

I had the same emotions you did when I walked in on an old girlfriend and another guy. I'm not a violent person, but when faced with that kind of emotion, I wanted to jump on the bed and start wailing. But I took a deep breath and exercised self-control.

 

Your emotions are understandable, just live and learn. Next time you suspect someone is cheating and they are obviously trying to keep you from walking in on them, just leave. They aren't worth it and your self-respect is worth more.

.

Hopefully this will never happen again. But if it were to happen again, I would absolutely react differently. Of all the bad that came from this situation, I did learn something. I wish I would have taken a deep breath, like you did, and taken the high road.

[NayWinter]

Hi NayWinter. I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

 

I just wanted to tell you - the "Ignore" button is your friend. You can choose to put specific posters on "ignore" with whom you feel you can't have a helpful interaction.

 

Oh thank you! I didn't even notice the ignore button. Thank you very much:).

[Dexter Morgan]

thing is, this OW he had, if they end up hooking up, she'll just be getting a cheating d!cksmoke.

 

he'll be locking the screen door on her sooner or later. let him be her problem.

[NayWinter]

What are you basing the statements in this paragraph on, exactly? Have you taken a survey? Have you read this somewhere? Because if not, those are ridiculously blanket statements to make on the basis of no real evidence.

 

In my own personal experience, the process of actually getting divorced can take years. Where two people are able to do so amicably, without the assistance of lawyers, they sometimes finalize the division of assets, child arrangements, etc., and decide they don't want to spend the extra time or money actually getting divorced. I've dealt with clients like this, who only get the actual divorce because they're engaged to somebody new.

 

I acknowledge that my experience and observations aren't true of everybody, and what you say may apply in some situations. But your statement is hyperbolic and seems conveniently tailor-made to fit your agenda, whatever it is.

 

Your personal experience is exactly what happened with my xh and I. There were also some financial difficulties at the time, so we remained seperated for quite a while before finally divorcing. While we were seperated, there was no talk of getting back together and he had and still has a gf. But Pickles still wants to call me a cheater. That almost makes me laugh, not quite, but almost.

 

Thank you for your help.

[NayWinter]

thing is, this OW he had, if they end up hooking up, she'll just be getting a cheating d!cksmoke.

 

he'll be locking the screen door on her sooner or later. let him be her problem.

 

Exactly! While that day I almost lost it with her (glad I didn't) and was very angry at her.. I began to feel sorry for her later on that very night because she is almost definitely going to experience something similar with this man.

[NayWinter]

Hi NayWinter. I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

 

I just wanted to tell you - the "Ignore" button is your friend. You can choose to put specific posters on "ignore" with whom you feel you can't have a helpful interaction.

 

Actually, I still don't see the ignore button. Can you, or someone please tell me where I can find it? Thanks.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

What are you basing the statements in this paragraph on, exactly?

 

Experience and logic.

 

 

Have you taken a survey? Have you read this somewhere? Because if not, those are ridiculously blanket statements to make on the basis of no real evidence.

 

Sorry but you'll have to be somewhat more specific. I have no idea which part or parts of my post you're objecting to. I would be more than happy to explain my reasoning as to anything you think is ill-conceived, but logic demands that you actually quote something specific I've said that you think is incorrect; explain why you believe it's incorrect; and I'll be happy to consider your viewpoint.

 

In my own personal experience, the process of actually getting divorced can take years.

 

Yes obviously and nowhere do I contest this obvious fact that divorces can take a long long time to get through. And that's the point. Until the judge signs the order of absolute divorce, the spouses remain married to each other. Inconvenient? Sometimes. It doesn't change the reality that legally they're still married.

 

And, until they're actually divorced, NEITHER spouse is in a position to either 1) make or 2) demand any kind of real, binding "commitment" from any 3rd party. It's kind of silly for anyone to be talking about "exclusivity" to a third person when they are still legally married to someone else, albeit separated.

 

 

Where two people are able to do so amicably, without the assistance of lawyers, they sometimes finalize the division of assets, child arrangements, etc., and decide they don't want to spend the extra time or money actually getting divorced.

 

Actually when everything is amicable the divorce generally proceeds rather quickly as a no fault divorce with an equitable division of assets and minimal adversarial court proceedings if any. What you are saying here does NOT square with objective reality because if the two people want to split up, and they're not fighting over the terms of the split, there is absolutely no reason for them NOT to get divorced, unless they don't want to be divorced. And if they don't want to be divorced, they can't make a "committment" to be "exclusive" to a third party.

 

In any event OP never said she did not WANT to be divorced and that is why it took so long to get divorced. So your example, even assuming it is reality based, which I question, is not relevant to OP's scenario, at all.

 

I've dealt with clients like this, who only get the actual divorce because they're engaged to somebody new.

 

 

Again this is not relevant to the OP's scenario because she SPECIFICALLY STATED her ex bf proposed engagement and she rejected that. You see my friend--if you're going to "challenge" me in the way you have, you have to be somewhat logical about it. OP didn't get divorced because she wanted to get engaged--she got divorced because she wanted to get divorced, and did NOT get engaged because she did NOT want to get engaged.

 

 

I acknowledge that my experience and observations aren't true of everybody, and what you say may apply in some situations. But your statement is hyperbolic and seems conveniently tailor-made to fit your agenda, whatever it is.

 

Again since you haven't actually quoted anything I've actually said and explained why you think I'm inaccurate/incorrect/mistaken, it is actually you, not me, who is speaking in hyperbole.

 

Also nothing else you posted in your post is relevant to Op's particular situation even if everything you said happens to be true, at least in your experience.

 

IOW "irrelevant, counselor."

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Your personal experience is exactly what happened with my xh and I. There were also some financial difficulties at the time, so we remained seperated for quite a while before finally divorcing. While we were seperated, there was no talk of getting back together and he had and still has a gf. But Pickles still wants to call me a cheater. That almost makes me laugh, not quite, but almost.

 

Thank you for your help.

 

Not at all, you're just applying a rather curious double standard to personal behavior.

 

It's you who consider your ex bf to have cheated on you. Yet, you didn't accept his proposal of marriage to you when you had the opportunity; you chose not to move in with him; and you don't consider it cheating if you are actually married and having sex with someone other than your spouse.

 

That's fine.

 

Where are you sitting from where you think you have the right to make judgments about anyone, including your ex-bf?

 

That's what I don't understand.

[NayWinter]

Found the ignore button! Thank you Flying . That keeps me from having to skim passed ridiculously long, no sense making, ignorant, judemental, dead horse beating, venom spewing, anger management issue having, provoking, attention seeking, argument seeking, assumptious posts.

Edited September 28, 2010 by NayWinter

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Found the ignore button! Thank you Flying . That keeps me from having to skim passed ridiculously long, no sense making, ignorant, judemental, dead horse beating, venom spewing, anger management issue having, provoking, attention seeking, argument seeking, assumptious posts.

 

Being jud[g]emental is OK with you, as long as you're the one doing the judging.

 

Like I said: double standard.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

LOL, no problem.

 

Like I said before. You know your behavior was wrong, you know you shouldn't have broken in and is not to be condoned.

 

Nothing to dispute about this statement.

 

 

And you also realize, I hope, that even though the sniveling, hiding OW in the bedroom wasn't worth wanting to go after, all you should have done is throw the key at your bf's face and tell him you are through and left.

 

We don't really know anything about the "OW" except she happened to be there. From her perspective maybe OP was the "OW."

 

 

I had the same emotions you did when I walked in on an old girlfriend and another guy. I'm not a violent person, but when faced with that kind of emotion, I wanted to jump on the bed and start wailing. But I took a deep breath and exercised self-control.

 

Yes and why did you exercise self control? Most likely because you thought you would suffer CONSEQUENCES for committing violent behavior. Such as criminal charges and incarceration. OP did what she did calculating that she would suffer no real consequences. The only consequences she's experienced is some--but not very much--criticism for her behavior and she's doing a pretty good job of filtering that out. Most people here are giving her pretty much of a "pass" because of her self-portrayal as a "victim."

 

 

Your emotions are understandable, just live and learn. Next time you suspect someone is cheating and they are obviously trying to keep you from walking in on them, just leave. They aren't worth it and your self-respect is worth more.

 

She will not "live and learn" unless she suffers real CONSEQUENCES for her actions. Minimally that would include owning her behavior and not filtering out legitimate criticism.