Walked in on bf in bed with another woman..

[NayWinter]

But that wasn't what happened. She physically assaulted him and he didn't put a hand on her. Is that fair just because she is a woman?

 

You're wrong. He did put "a hand on me" as a matter of fact he put both hands on me. He shoved me up against the wall so hard that the sunglasses that were on my head broke in half from my head hitting the wall. Then he held me there and refused to let me go. He might have been "assaulted" by me, but that happened AFTER what I just stated above. I didn't walk into his bedroom, see them in bed, then decide to punch him in the face while he was sleeping peacefully.

Edited September 28, 2010 by NayWinter
Typo

[NayWinter]

I personally agree with everything pickles has said in this thread, though think his/her points have been overstated and repeated somewhat.

 

OP, only you know whether violence is a pattern with you or a possible reaction to situations like this going forward, and if it is, you should worry less about your cheating BF and more about addressing the violence. You were very lucky this time, as had things gone just a bit differently, this situation could have ruined your life or someone else's. You can't expect to come to a place like this, give the details you have, and not get lots of flak for your violence in the scenario.

 

And before I get called for being too dramatic, of what OP posted, we know that she broke in a door, kicked another door, presented an extreme demeanor that demanded restraint, punched someone in the face more than once, and displayed threatening behavior towards another person. Add a weapon at several points in this equation and the results could have been catastrophic. And that is only based on what she did type.

 

OP, I hold no malice against you, nor do I have any reason to "bash" you nor any personal animus or baggage that is affecting what I say to you.

 

With all due respect, have you bothered to read any of my posts fully? In my first post, I stated that I knew my reaction was wrong. I've stated that I regret that split second decision numerous times throughout this thread. Add a weapon? I wasn't going to kill the man for Gods sake! I didn't present an extreme demeanor that demanded restraint either. I have no idea where you got that idea. As I stated before, I walked into the bedroom, and yelled to wake him/them up. I didn't go into the bedroom and jump on top of the bed and start stabbing people.

 

I also stated that this was an isolated incident and that I don't have a history of violence.

 

Please, if you're going to comment on my post, read all of it before you respond as though you're speaking factually.

 

I would like to add, that I appreciate the respectful manner in which you chose to state your opinion, which is far more than I can say for some others.

Edited September 28, 2010 by NayWinter

[Dexter Morgan]

But that wasn't what happened. She physically assaulted him and he didn't put a hand on her. Is that fair just because she is a woman?

 

you didn't read the post very well. he restrained her, pushed her up against a wall...THEN she hit him.

[SueBee3490]

Naywriter - I can fully understand your reaction to this.

 

As many others have stated, unless you've been hurt by someone cheating on you, someone you love and trusted, you really don't know how your emotions take over.

 

Though I never caught my bf "in the act" so to speak (but I married my husband and found out after marrying him that he repeatedly cheated on me while dating/engaged to me). I did go a little beserk. I remember after finding out, I was driving his truck - he was in the passenger seat and we had a very heated argument about the cheating. It was raining so the roads were a little wet/slick. I was crying, screaming at him, and because we live in the country there were any other vehicles around, I remember I pushed on the gas pedal pretty hard. Well we fishtailed (thank God we didn't wreck) and it scared the cr*p out of me. I would NEVER do that at any other time, and i've had arguments with husband/kids in the car before but something about the betrayal and pain just hurt so much that I wanted it to stop.

 

So I'm sure people will say I could have killed us or someone else, which i very well could have. I do understand the intense reaction you had at witnessing what you saw. It is understandable.

[NayWinter]

Thank you SueBee. As I've learned, betrayal is one of the most difficult things to take. Especially when you've been betrayed in more than one way, or more than once, or both!

 

I'm sorry for what you had to go through . Thank you for sharing.

[wicar1]

Hello everyone. I'm not exactly new here, I've posted many times a few years ago under a different name. Anyway, it's nice to be back and I appreciate all of your responses in advance.

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

 

I had been dating my bf for 3 years. We've both been married before, myself more recently than he, and I wanted to take things slow. We were very serious, I just wasn't ready to live with him yet. I have a lot of trust issues and always have with him, and for good reasons. Anyway, sometimes I would spend the night at his house, and I have keys to his house that he encouraged me to use all the time. He always liked it when I would come over in the morning while he was sleeping, and surprise him.

 

Needless to say, a few weeks ago, I did just that. I went to his house to surprise him. I saw a car in the driveway and my heart SANK. I knew exactly what I was about to see. When I tried to open the screen door, I discovered that he had locked it. So, I broke the screen door, and used my keys to unlock the door.

The first thing I saw when I walked in was a woman's purse. Then I went into his bedroom and saw him and a woman sleeping together in his bed. They weren't having sex (Thank God.. when I saw them anyway) but he was wearing only shorts, and I saw her bare upper arms and the rest of her body was covered with the blankets on the bed that they were sharing.

 

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but this is what happened next..

I flipped out and woke them both up by yelling " What in the hell are you doing?" He abruptly jumped out of bed and forced me out of the room. Well, things got ugly.. I punched him in the face several times, then headed toward the bedroom where the woman was.

 

I tried to get in the door and she was pushing it shut so I started kicking it and I yelled to her " are you f%^*#$% him? " Her answer was " does it look like I'm f-ing him?) By this time my bf thought I was going to attack this woman so he held me down on the couch until I couldn't breathe.

( Please go easy on me for acting like this.. I was just in so much emotional pain and shock that I wasn't acting rationally).

 

Anyway, bf told me that he and this woman are just friends. He said that he needed someone to talk to about our relationship and some questions that he had as to why I won't move in with him.. he claimed he couldn't get those answers from me, so he needed a female's perspective. I confided things in this man that no one else in the world knows, and he told her everything about me. He knew how important my confidence was, yet he broke it and he broke it to that woman who was in his bed.

 

I told him to get her out of the house so we could talk and he refused. So I sat there ( she's still in the bedroom at this time ) until I could somewhat calm down, and when he trusted that I wouldn't attack her, he had her come out and talk to me.

 

She parroted exactly what he said to me. She said they're just friends (they called each other best friends) and that sometimes she spends the night with him because she had a miscarriage at her house and she doesn't always feel like going home. She told me that they've spent a lot of time together, etc etc etc.. Neither admitted to having sex.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I really shortened it up. There's so much more to this story, but those are the basics. I did break up with him.

 

But, I just want someone’s opinion or as many opinions as possible as to whether you would believe this story or not? I'm in so much pain ..

 

I don't believe it, and even if I did.. this "secret friendship" is such a betrayal to me, that it's something I'll never get over. Please be as honest as possible because I need honesty right now, and nothing could ever hurt me worse than what I've been going through.

 

you did the right thing..

[sanskrit]

Never mind

Edited September 29, 2010 by sanskrit
Never mind

[NayWinter]

you did the right thing..

 

Thank you Wicar

[stillafool]

What happened was this: (she stated this in her first post) she walked in on them in bed, he forced her from the room and pinned her against the wall, I do believe that to do this he would have had to use his hands. THEN she hit him. So it could be safe to assume had he not done this, she probably wouldn't have felt the need to hit him.

 

I wasn't talking about the OP, my post was in regards to Post #102. But, I don't think it is fair for either sex to physically assault the other. If a woman doesn't want to be hit, then don't hit. There are women who have seriously physically hurt men also.

[stillafool]

You're wrong. He did put "a hand on me" as a matter of fact he put both hands on me. He shoved me up against the wall so hard that the sunglasses that were on my head broke in half from my head hitting the wall. Then he held me there and refused to let me go. He might have been "assaulted" by me, but that happened AFTER what I just stated above. I didn't walk into his bedroom, see them in bed, then decide to punch him in the face while he was sleeping peacefully.

 

Again, that post was directed to Post #102. It wasn't about you.

[stillafool]

you didn't read the post very well. he restrained her, pushed her up against a wall...THEN she hit him.

 

No, I was talking about Bittermelon's post. See #161.

[NayWinter]

Again, that post was directed to Post #102. It wasn't about you.

 

Gotcha. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[woinlove]

Actually if you've gone to the trouble of counting how many posts someone else has made on a thread then it's you who have the "obsession."

 

One click gives that information, since you were only posting here.

[flying]

You also have to remember that OP admittedly originally posted at LS under a different screen name. She was asked by someone else to disclose it, apparently so her prior posting history could be refused, and declined to do so.

 

Irony.

 

Ten characters.

[bittermelon]

No, I was talking about Bittermelon's post. See #161.

 

Well, like others have said, don't judge until you have been put in that situation yourself.

 

I don't think domestic violence is right in either case, men against women or vice versa. But lets make it clear: this was the first time I've laid my hands on him. A smack on the cheek, throwing water at him and whacking him with pillows, meanwhile he is protecting himself with pillows over his head anyway, is different from punching him, using excessive force. It could have gone a lot worse. Notice I did absolutely nothing to the woman but asked her a few questions while letting her get dressed and get the hell out.

 

At the end of the day, I wasn't proud of having to lay a finger on his prick but I gotta tell ya, sometimes when I'm mad thinking about what he did to me, it makes me smile to remember the shock on his face when I slapped his face while he was sitting on his couch, trying to come up with an excuse for why another woman was in his bed.

 

So there.

[stillafool]

Well, like others have said, don't judge until you have been put in that situation yourself.

 

 

I have been in that situation, unfortunately more than once.

[Dexter Morgan]

...Or, you could try actually discussing the merits rather than attacking other people for disagreeing with you.

 

like you attacking OP because you don't agree with what she did? So you can dispense with the hypocrisy. We all do it, you included.

 

That would require logical thought and many people simply aren't capable of that.

 

LMFAO!!! claiming cerebral superiority here, *wiping eyes*

[Dexter Morgan]

Is there something about the OP's situation that you wanted to discuss? If so, let's do that.

 

not with you, you seem to want to run her into the ground on one small part of her story while ignoring the rest of it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Just because I happen to voice an opinion that you are not receptive to, does not turn me into your imagined "enemy"--your perceived "romantic rival."

 

As a matter of fact, that's completely irrational thinking on your part.

 

the irrational thinking here is the idea that you would be the enemy simply because you disagree, rather than the truth that you would rather focus on the screen door being locked than the feelings of hers that were trampled on. Why is that? could it be you are cut from the same mold as her jackass x-bf? i think so.

[NayWinter]

I think so too. Thanks to Flying, I hit iggy on Pickles so I'm not plagued by his/her ignorance any longer.

[NayWinter]

Irony.

 

Ten characters.

 

A different screen name that I won't give out because of people like Pickles4breakfast, and the posts under my former s/n are from years ago and hold no relevence to today.

[sanskrit]

Perhaps but you can see the kind of delusional "groupthink" that is going on. The OP asked for "honesty" in her original post on this thread, but in actuality that's not what she really wants. Differing opinions must be filtered out, with force if necessary.

 

All true, the "bandwagoning" and bullying that goes on on this site is obnoxious compared to other sites I've posted on in the past, but hey, welcome to the internet. What do you expect? Rational, fair discussion? or rather to have your posting history microanalyzed in a fallacious way as if that "means" something? To have your points addressed reasonably? or just get slammed with lots of hot air accusations about who you are and what type of person you are because you aren't playing ball with the ladies? Not so sure it's "delusional" just plain privileged attitude at play, and certain people (51% of the population approximately) are used to getting their way these days by shouting, bullying and emotional manipulation generally, so why does it surprise you here? I know OP's story has changed rather facilely, again, though, welcome to the net and the world we live in.

[NayWinter]

What do you expect? Rational, fair discussion? or rather to have your posting history microanalyzed in a fallacious way as if that "means" something?

 

Funny you should say that because Pickles4breakfast has a problem with me NOT disclosing my prior s/n so that he/she can microanalyze my history.

Edited September 29, 2010 by NayWinter

[NayWinter]

I know OP's story has changed rather facilely, again, though, welcome to the net and the world we live in.

 

Really? Tell me how.

[flying]

All true, the "bandwagoning" and bullying that goes on on this site is obnoxious compared to other sites I've posted on in the past, but hey, welcome to the internet. What do you expect? Rational, fair discussion? or rather to have your posting history microanalyzed in a fallacious way as if that "means" something? To have your points addressed reasonably? or just get slammed with lots of hot air accusations about who you are and what type of person you are because you aren't playing ball with the ladies? Not so sure it's "delusional" just plain privileged attitude at play, and certain people (51% of the population approximately) are used to getting their way these days by shouting, bullying and emotional manipulation generally, so why does it surprise you here? I know OP's story has changed rather facilely, again, though, welcome to the net and the world we live in.

 

This is very interesting, because I wouldn't have said the issue was a gender issue until Pickles got involved. Women were pointing out that the OP should own her bad behavior (which the OP had admitted as well), and men were defending her.

 

IMO, it is specifically Pickles who turned this into something it wasn't. Why he chose to do that was unclear - it certainly appeared that he had an axe to grind - but I suspect it has to do with his own backstory. The fact that he was angry that he was asked to explain that backstory is amusing: This poster has used the backstory of other posters to discount their opinions in other threads, so that complaint is hollow.

 

When combined with pages and pages of repeating the same criticisms, without acknowledging the OP's responses, and repeating these criticisms more loudly and more forcefully each time while insisting that those who disagree must lack reason or be embroiled in groupthink - well, this is not only hypocrisy, it's bullying behavior. I admit, I find the charge that others have bullied him to be laughable - particularly when he tries to play the gender card. As I've said, that wasn't even at play in this case, as there were defenders and dissenters of both genders, until the "victim" here -Pickles - decided it had to be, because that's I guess how he tends to see things. But that's his preconception, and I'd say he should own it.

 

Edited to add: Anyway, this is all getting away from the original question the OP asked: Is her exBF's story believable? I think the consensus - groupthink if you like - is that it really wasn't. I hope this was somewhat helpful to you, OP...out of curiosity, knowing this, what's next?

Edited September 29, 2010 by flying