Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

[meerkat stew]

You did the right thing, and this guy is so fragile apparently that any other kind of excuse you gave would have likely been worse on his feelings than what you told him. Offering someone a white lie as a reason for not continuing is something everyone with a heart has done, and doing it here does not bring your integrity into question. I also don't think you led him on in the least.

 

16 texts bears out there's something not right about him, and he was way too solicitous of you way too fast.

[make me believe]

Um, she led him on, and then lied about why she doesn't feel comfortable dating him anymore. He thinks there's a connection there.

 

Yet another reason why it pays to be HONEST.

 

I'd take a lack of dignity over a lack of integrity any day anyway...

 

Agreed, 100%! She completely led him on, it's understandable that he's confused now.

[WintersNightTraveler]

She could have told him that she couldn't date him due to his horrendous body odor and also the fact she turns into a malevolent succubus every 4th thursday of September, and that probably wouldn't have dissuaded this guy. He sent *16* texts people. And that was just one of many many signs over the few threads he has starred in. C'mon. So much of his pursuit and clinginess had nothing to do with SaC.

 

Sure it might have been marginally better to tell a straighter story but in the end it would have made so little difference to how it turned out. In things like this, people are reacting based mostly off their internal state, only slightly on what they are told. They didn't even sleep together, it was a few dates. If he's totally bent out of shape then no story would have been "right".

 

Sure you can feel bad for the guy but this is such a minor point.

[Star Gazer]

I don't feel bad for the guy. I'm focusing on OP's actions. They speak of a lack of integrity.

[westrock]

I don't think SaC led him on while dating him. If she had told him that she was physically attracted to him but she wasn't, then that would be leading him on. The purpose of dating him was to find out how she felt and whether she wanted to move things to the next level. She wasn't sure if she could have a relationship with someone where she had low physical attraction. The only way to find out was to go out on dates. She did that. She received lots of great input here from many people. Ultimately, she made her decision not to continue dating him. She's completely within her rights to do that. We have to respect her decision and so does the guy.

 

However, once a decision is made, she also has to take responsibility for her decision and that includes being honest with him.

 

When we decide to not continue dating a person and choose to take the easy way out and not be honest with the other person, it may not be a big deal to some, but not only are we not being fair to the other person, we are not being fair to ourselves. When we take actions that we ourselves believe are dishonest it is saying to ourselves that dishonesty is acceptable in our lives. The effect is that when others treat us in a less than honest manner we will not be able to recognize that the dishonest person is not good for us.

 

Don't be afraid to be honest with him. As long as you are respectful, you can never go wrong by being honest. He may not agree with your decision, but if you are respectful to him, he will respect you.

Edited August 29, 2010 by westrock

[zengirl]

Agreed, 100%! She completely led him on, it's understandable that he's confused now.

 

Confused? Understandable.

 

His actions are a bit over-the-top. . . but is it any wonder? She was dating him primarily because he was instantaneously and completely into her. That's exactly what she got out of the break-up. That unhealthy level of effusive emotion. Makes total sense to me.

 

I think you should have told him something more true than you did, SaC. I don't think anyone really deserves "a reason" perse (in the past, I've broken things off with a fellow I was seeing very short-term and actually said, "My reasons are my own. I'm sorry, but it doesn't really matter why" when he asked, though I likely wouldn't do that now if it happened), but if you're going to give one, you ought to make it the real thing or something close.

 

"I'm sorry but the attraction just isn't there" isn't such a horrible thing to say. Throwing out this situational thing -- which could theoretically change you still wouldn't be interested -- is cheap and harmful. Ignoring him afterward especially so.

 

That said, I don't think the fellow is some great catch, and it's probably better you're not dating him. The premise of your dichotomy in dating is flawed. Being with someone you've no attraction for rarely works and is unhealthy. Giving someone a chance even though you're not entirely blown away physically by them is healthy and often works out. Intensity and continuance/stability rarely go hand-in-hand. When you see intensity, you get things like a guy who likes you way more than you like him, or a guy you like way more than he likes you. When you see stability, you have a chance to build something together -- but that means eschewing many extremes, in my experience, including someone who's instantly passionate about you or someone you're instantly passionate about (I'm sure the rare mutual instant passion can exist but generally, for most people, it took some time and conscious choice).

[SadandConfusedWA]

Well, I am all out of dates at this stage.

 

There is nobody that I am even chatting to and planning on meeting

 

I am considering getting a FWB.

Edited August 29, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA