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Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

SadandConfusedWA

By SadandConfusedWA
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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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So I am still seeing this guy J, from my other thread(s) - (if you can't follow no matter).

 

He is so sweet to me. He keeps doing romantic things like send me flowers etc. He wrote me a song and played it on the night I came to see his band play (they are actually not bad). I can tell that he will treat me with respect and that he is honest and genuine. I have met his friends and even though he has lots of female friends, his attention is awlays focused on me.

 

I never have to worry about him not calling or not responding to texts, because he always does < 30 minutes. Even when he is palying a gig, he will respond to my text when they are having a break after a set. He also wants a LTR and is serious about it.

 

I have confided in him about some of my emotional issues and he didn't run for the hills. If anything - he is even more attentive.

 

There is no stress and anxiety and we have fun together. Physical side is a bit iffy tohugh. We have kissed - but that's about it. He is not really my physical type.

 

I mean, I keep telling myself - passion fades in time anyway - would it be so bad to have someone that you can count on and that will be your best friend?

 

I am thinking about stopping multi-dating and giving this a real shot.

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

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Women become attracted to the men they fall in love with, whereas men fall in love with the women they're attracted to.

 

Keep dating him. :)

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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Run...don't get trapped in something that will eventually make you unhappy and potentially cause you to resent him for not being physically compatible...

 

Don't settle just because dating hasn't been working out ideally at this moment in your life...

 

I had a discussion with another LS member about this regarding my own personal situation...if you don't have the passion and the fire in the beginning, then you're never going to have it...if you stay with this guy, somewhere down the road, you're not going to have anything memorable to look back at and say, "wow, we sure had some passion, let's try and work on rekindling that fire..." All you'll be thinking about is, "wow, I had to kiss this guy...ewww... :sick:" Definitely not the way to go, don't you think...? :confused:

WintersNightTraveler Established Member

WintersNightTraveler

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You already know what I am going to say... :)

NYCGirly Established Member

NYCGirly

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Not fair to either of you to stay with someone you aren't physically attracted to. Yes attraction grows as you continue in a relationship, but there at least needs to be a viable base on which to build. Seems like you're settling with this guy...

kalikula Established Member

kalikula

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Well...

 

I've had relationships with 2 guys that I wasn't very physically attracted to...

 

Even though it didn't matter so much to me.. I really liked their personality and 'settled' for their looks (They weren't hideous, just not my type and didn't quite "do it" for me). It definitely mattered physically. If I wasn't really physically attracted to them then the sex was not very good..

 

I'm done with that, hold out for someone you find more physically attractive. I need lust, passion and super hot sex!

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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Maybe you should give him a chance. You haven't dated him for long and usually people don't jump to conclusions until the 3 month mark.

 

But then again, keeping someone around that you don't even like that much is torture....

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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You know what's really sad guys?

 

I have just realized that none of the guys I have EVER dated were all that into me :(

 

I mean with this guy, there isn't a single mixed message. ALL his actions are completly consistent with someone who likes me a lot.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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I mean with this guy, there isn't a single mixed message. ALL his actions are completly consistent with someone who likes me a lot.

 

But everything you've said to us about him is completely consistent with someone who is very 'bleh' about him... :(

 

And you said in your OP that "passion fades in time anyway"...but is that a justification for never experiencing passion with a guy that you're going to be with...?

WintersNightTraveler Established Member

WintersNightTraveler

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I have just realized that none of the guys I have EVER dated were all that into me :(

 

It seems sad but then I'm not sure it's any more sad than having had people be into you, and then they dump you or you dump them or whatever happens, and it's over. You can make a case for either being worse, but in the end, it always ultimately boils down to you have to be self assured.

 

Besides I don't buy that act for a second. I'm sure you've broken a heart or two. Just because you may not have dated that particular heart doesn't mean you have some sad quality of not-being-into-able-ness.

 

Also don't worry one day I will post my dating foibles and then you can lay into me just as badly.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Dump him before you cut his heart into pieces.

AD1980 Established Member

AD1980

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thats what goldiggers do so i guess its possible

xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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You know what's really sad guys?

 

I have just realized that none of the guys I have EVER dated were all that into me :(

 

I mean with this guy, there isn't a single mixed message. ALL his actions are completly consistent with someone who likes me a lot.

 

And that's why you should give him a chance. It's not really settling if you take it a little slow and warm up to the idea of him. It's also a good way for you to break whatever pattern you had before with going after guys that weren't interested in you. Maybe you could learn something here.

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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I just went to ask my boss for advice :laugh:

 

I never talk about my love life at work (except with a girl that I am friends with outside of work) so don't know why I did it...

 

Anyway, he kept saying how flattered he is that I would come to him..and then turned it around and started talking about his own marriage problems and lack of passion :rolleyes:

 

His advice: love is BS. It doesn't exist. You pick one person that doesn't completly repulse you and try to make it work. Then you have kids and hope you don't kill each other by the end of it.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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His advice: love is BS. It doesn't exist. You pick one person that doesn't completly repulse you and try to make it work. Then you have kids and hope you don't kill each other by the end of it.

 

Such wise words...so sad that it's true...:(

WintersNightTraveler Established Member

WintersNightTraveler

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Nahh we can do better.

 

I know of at least two couples, one hitting 60's the other 70's, that are still A+.

 

I see far more train wrecks but I like to be optimistic about my chances.

meerkat stew Established Member

meerkat stew

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I think you should be more cautious this early. This guy has been very hot from the start, and those types can often become very cold quickly. No need to get serious or ask these questions yet, just enjoy yourself and see where things go. If you shrink from his kiss, it's never going to work, but if there's even a chance of something growing, just move forward slowly and try to enjoy the fun of it. It sounds like he is putting lots of undue pressure on you with all the solicitous attention, and that a "slow down a bit" talk may be in order.

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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Such wise words...so sad that it's true...:(

 

It's true.

 

I can't even imagine having high mutual passion with someone plus compatibility and the R actually lasting through the years. It does happen, but is SO rare. The problem is - if you hold out for that, there is a very good chance you will end up alone.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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...The problem is - if you hold out for that, there is a very good chance you will end up alone.

 

That's a good point...and I guess for those of us who aren't among the lucky few, it becomes a matter of how long we hold onto the hope of becoming "lucky" and when in life we decide to settle...?

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Your boss is a bit extreme but movie style romance does not exist and it is healthy for a relationship to have periods of contentment.

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SadandConfusedWA Established Member

SadandConfusedWA

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That's a good point...and I guess for those of us who aren't among the lucky few, it becomes a matter of how long we hold onto the hope of becoming "lucky" and when in life we decide to settle...?

 

Yep, I keep flip-flopping there. The problem is also that as you get older - even your options for settling become more limited (this is especially true for girls). Picking the right time to "give up" and settle while you still have reasonable options can be tricky.

WintersNightTraveler Established Member

WintersNightTraveler

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OK you two are depressing me, and I'm trying to happily procrastinate.

 

So SaC, do you think part of the appeal here might also be how firmly you the power dynamic favors you?

 

I hope that line of reasoning doesn't provoke another fiery thread crash but I am curious.

USMCHokie Established Member

USMCHokie

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Yep, I keep flip-flopping there. The problem is also that as you get older - even your options for settling become more limited (this is especially true for girls). Picking the right time to "give up" and settle while you still have reasonable options can be tricky.

 

Well, in that case, I think for the most part, people settle much too soon...just look at the astronomical divorce rates in our modern society (at least in the US)...

WintersNightTraveler Established Member

WintersNightTraveler

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Well, in that case, I think for the most part, people settle much too soon...just look at the astronomical divorce rates in our modern society (at least in the US)...

 

Err, both divorce rates and median age of first marriage have climbed...

carhill Established Member

carhill

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The difficulty is the combination of emotional health and high mutual passion. Add in timing and the odds are exceedingly high that something has to give or it's solo into the twilight.

 

Wrt the subject matter, I think each person is different, in what they based their 'passion' upon; the 'glue' which bonds the pair together. Clearly, if one reads LS, the majority appear to place physical attraction (attraction to a person's physical appearance alone) very high on the list. If you're wired that way, OP, you are. Do not deny it. Accept it. Embrace it. If you examine your history of attraction, and if physical attraction is very high on your list, you'll see patterns in physicality over time; a 'type' if you will.

 

When I meet such a woman, and I have a number of times, mostly when they've been in unhealthy relationships, and I watch how that physical attraction overpowers their sense of health regarding emotions and spirit, I accept that strong physical attraction is their path and they must have it to be bonded in a relationship. That path is incompatible with my own so I accept it and move on.

 

I missed out on a couple potentially very good relationships/marriages when younger not because I was focused on physical attraction but rather that I didn't yet *trust* my intrinsic style of attraction. I won't make those mistakes in the future.

 

Hope you find the path that's healthy for you and meet a partner who is compatible with that path. Each day is a new potential :)

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