Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

[USMCHokie]

Err, both divorce rates and median age of first marriage have climbed...

 

'Soon' wasn't referring directly to age, but to the relative time in which one settles relationship wise...but good catch...

 

Or perhaps the fact that more people are settling at all is reflected in your assertion...settling and realizing it's not what they want...so they cut loose and find themselves right back where they started, only older and perhaps slightly more bitter...

[WintersNightTraveler]

'Soon' wasn't referring directly to age, but to the relative time in which one settles relationship wise...but good catch...

 

Or perhaps the fact that more people are settling at all is reflected in your assertion...settling and realizing it's not what they want...so they cut loose and find themselves right back where they started, only older and perhaps slightly more bitter...

 

Personally I think the divorce rate thing is tied to relaxation of social stigma and possibly religious stigma as well. It's just a cleaner, less nebulous explanation.

 

But I'm SaC's personal "do not settle" cheerleader so I agree with some of this.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I just went to ask my boss for advice

 

I never talk about my love life at work (except with a girl that I am friends with outside of work) so don't know why I did it...

.

 

WHY did you ask your married boss - your unrequited love of years, the man who recently was trying to get you into a hotel room with him - for dating advice?

 

I'm stunned and baffled.

 

I mean, you have dozens of people right here advising you, and you have a lot of friends to talk to in real life.

[WintersNightTraveler]

WHY did you ask your married boss - your unrequited love of years, the man who recently was trying to get you into a hotel room with him - for dating advice?

 

Wait is this that same guy? I thought that was an old boss.

 

I am noob, and took a break for a while, it is hard to keep up.

 

Did you really do that SaC?

[sweetjasmine]

Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

 

I wouldn't say I have or had low physical attraction to my SO, but before I met him or even really knew him, I had seen a picture or two of him and thought he wasn't my type. I thought he was okay-looking, but the thought of dating him never crossed my mind. Then I got to know him and meet him. It was completely different, and we became involved. I was very much drawn to him, and that was influenced by knowing him as a person.

 

Objectively, he's a bit above average, and I've obviously seen more handsome men, but when I look at him, through my own eyes, I see so much more. A random handsome guy walking down the street is just temporary eye candy to me, and though I might notice a man like that, I don't ever feel drawn to them. On the other hand, my SO's eyes and smile just pull me in, every time, and in my eyes, he's very attractive. When I look at him, he's just irresistible to me.

 

But physical appearance has always been fairly low on my list of priorities, compared to a lot of people, it seems. I find intellectual, emotional, and physical (ie, whether someone's touchy-feely and how we each respond to touch) compatibility to be more important in bonding with someone. You might not be like that, so what happened with my SO and me might not be possible for you and J. It's something about yourself worth figuring out, IMO.

[SadandConfusedWA]

WHY did you ask your married boss - your unrequited love of years, the man who recently was trying to get you into a hotel room with him - for dating advice?

 

I'm stunned and baffled.

 

I mean, you have dozens of people right here advising you, and you have a lot of friends to talk to in real life.

 

Honestly, I have zero feelings for that guy. I rang a couple of friends, they weren't picking up and he was in his office doing nothing.

 

I am weird when it comes to attraction/feelings. It's very black and white for me - either I am very into someone or not at all.

 

I think that he just started up an affair with someone else around the office. It doesn't bother me at all. I truly do not care.

 

I spoke to another married male friend on the phone about this as well - if that makes you feel any better.

 

BTW, I am still not over that politican guy that I started couple of threads about on here. I chat with him over IM sometimes but I know that I really shouldn't

[somedude81]

Physical side is a bit iffy tohugh. We have kissed - but that's about it. He is not really my physical type.

You know what's really sad guys?

 

I have just realized that none of the guys I have EVER dated were all that into me

Well duh. That's what happens when "your type" is very good looking guys that are in demand. They have lots of options and don't really care about the individual girls. Who do you think is going to be into you more? The guy who's dating four girls or the guy who's dating one?

 

Give this dude a shot. I really like Jilly Bean's comment.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Well duh. That's what happens when "your type" is very good looking guys that are in demand. They have lots of options and don't really care about the individual girls. Who do you think is going to be into you more? The guy who's dating four girls or the guy who's dating one?

 

Give this dude a shot. I really like Jilly Bean's comment.

 

 

Eh, I did give dudes like him a shot before and it never worked out

 

I just don't feel excited about seeing him - as in I half hope that he will cancel.

 

But I am now older and more desperate, that's for sure.

 

Another thing that's weird - I find myself not responding to his texts for a few hours. I also kind of don't like setting a firm date to see him - I keep leaving things vague. It's bizarre - all those things were the things that guys did to me when they weren't that interested. Wow, I can see everything so clearly now

 

Also, I want to correct the statement that none of the guys I dated were ever into me before. I meant none of the guys I actually LIKED that I dated were into me before. There were of course guys that I dated and those that I refused to date that were into me - but they are easy to forget because they never held much significance to me.

[Cracker Jack]

BTW, I am still not over that politican guy that I started couple of threads about on here. I chat with him over IM sometimes but I know that I really shouldn't

 

Which topic was this? And was this the guy who was somewhat ignorant towards you? Can't quite remember.

 

If so, why aren't you over someone like that? I don't understand.

 

As for this guy, I honestly don't think you should go any further. He sounds like a good guy, but since physical attraction seems to be the issue, then there's no reason to continue. Plus, you just sound so unsure of things once you mention how your brother critiques him, or when you focus on his looks.

 

Another thing is your difficulty to get over the other guy. If this guy can't even win your attention over someone else who you don't think you should be chatting with at this point, how would he keep your attention down the line when the attraction issue likely becomes more obvious the more you're with him?

 

I really hope you do the right thing here. I understand how one can be indecisive, but you don't want to hurt someone (Who's really into you and shows it) like that. It would be better to just let him know he's not someone you see yourself with in a LTR, and go on from there.

[callingyouuu]

I just don't feel excited about seeing him - as in I half hope that he will cancel.

 

This would be an awful attitude to have if he were your future husband. I mean just imagine half-hoping that your husband will cancel a vacation just so you don't have to spend two weeks on a boat in the middle of nowhere with him. I just think it's a sign that this wasn't meant to be.

 

I think the majority of relationships eventually end up with low attraction because it's so freaking hard to find someone who hits all of the right buttons in the perfect marriage. He has to be madly in love with you, you have to be unable to imagine life without him, your families have to be compatible, you both have to have stable jobs that don't randomly transfer you away from one another, the timing has to be right so both of you are ready to settle down at the same time (or at least one willing to wait), etc.

 

For me, it feels pretty near impossible to find the first two on the list, but add on all of the other obstacles that can make a perfect match fail, and it's not surprising why the concept of true love has become a myth.

 

But hey, it happens. For us hopeless romantics, all we can do is keep on swimming and hope for the best.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have had politician guy threads deleted.

 

He was aloof with me but that wasn't why I was interested. I was just extremely physically attracted to him from the first time I met him and that kind of blinded me to everything else.

 

It wouldn't diminish my attraction in the slightest if he acted more interested.

[Cracker Jack]

Hmmm. Thought I was blind and missed the topic. And maybe you were just talking in general, but I hope my post didn't imply that I thought you were into him due to not showing interest. I wasn't. I just didn't understand why you were still very much into him at this point, despite his physical attraction when you consider his other qualities.

 

I still don't see it working out with this new guy, tho. I know you're trying to give him a chance based on his good qualities, but you simply can't at this point.

[Eeyore79]

I've had a couple of relationships with guys who I didn't think were so hot when I met them, but after a while I was totally in love with them and found them gorgeous. But equally, I've also had a couple of relationships with guys who I didn't have the hots for, and they never grew on me; we had a sexless relationship and eventually I dumped them.

 

At such an early stage it's difficult to tell which direction something will go in; all I can say is that if I develop an attraction to a guy it's usually within a few months of knowing him. If I'm about 3 months in and still don't fancy him, I probably never will.

[Sphere]

I agree with Woggle, end it now before you hurt him severely.

 

"Treat people how you wish to be treated".

[Star Gazer]

I have had politician guy threads deleted.

 

Umm, how were you able to do that? Isn't that strictly against the guidelines??

[WintersNightTraveler]

I half hope that he will cancel

[...]

Another thing that's weird - I find myself not responding to his texts for a few hours. I also kind of don't like setting a firm date to see him - I keep leaving things vague. It's bizarre - all those things were the things that guys did to me when they weren't that interested. Wow, I can see everything so clearly now

 

I had that kind of realization at some point too. It never really mystified me to start with, but at some point at lot of dating stuff just become intuitive to me.

 

Along the lines of "hoping he will cancel", I often find myself thinking, "ugh need to deal with this flawed situation" when I know the interest level isn't that high or there is some problem like this. It makes me date less actually.

 

I also think the concept extends even to smaller dating/social matters. Like with the whole online messaging thing and the way some people are so offended they get no reply. Once you yourself get enough 2 line meaningless messages from people a thousand miles away who you don't find attractive, you intuitively understand why so often you don't get a reply either.

[WintersNightTraveler]

This guy isn't fat, isn't particularly ugly, and sounds extremely nice, what more do you want?

 

Ahh a true connoisseur of life I see.

 

Your woman baggage is impressive enough, but way to also pigeonhole all attractive men and baselessly attack a specific poster - all in a single post. Bravo.

[ViciousViolet]

The reality is that most women do end up settling for the men they aren't totally attracted to, but who really like them and will treat them well. The attraction usually comes later. Most women just do not snag their physical type. If you stick around, you'll start to like him, but I don't think it will be fair to him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Like the OP, I cannot be with any guy that I don't feel an intense physical attraction for, and I feel it rarely. Fortunately for me, this is not a question of looks. It's something else entirely, but for me, if it's not there in conjunction with a lot of other qualities, there will be no relationship.

 

My boyfriend is NOT my "type" at all. I don't think I have ever gone out with a guy under 6 feet tall and he is about 5'8" or 9". When I met him, I didn't really think about that at all. I was thinking about the look in his eyes and the smile lines on his face ...

[Ruby Slippers]

Give it a chance. It sounds as though it's time to try something different, yes?

 

I have always been attracted to my boyfriends from the start, but in every case, the attraction only got stronger in time, as they showed more and more loyalty, devotion, and love. If he's a keeper, I think your attraction for him will increase in time.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well WNT, you can either live in romantic comedy land or sex in the city world where 6'3, perfect face, jacked, tanned guy also is a hopeless romantic who would trade all the attention and easy sex he gets from numerous attractive women away, or "settle" for a less physically spectacular guy who is decent looking, who loves you to death and is fun to be around. If more women did the latter I can guarantee this forum wouldn't have any women on it.

True.

 

I'm watching the BBC's Planet Earth and Life series right now, and there are countless examples of the biggest, strongest male fighting all challengers, beating them, then winning rights to mate with ALL THE FEMALES that form his harem. Granted, there are certain responsibilities, too, depending on the species. In most of them, it's his job to protect the females and the offspring -- not always an easy task, when there are so many of them.

 

And I'm considering the notion that 75% of female humans want the top 15% of males, and would rather share one top male than have a "lower-tier" male all to herself.

 

It's pretty brutal, but makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that the 15% of males who are most desirable to females find staying loyal to one woman quite challenging, and many women will overlook their infidelities, especially if they remain #1 in the harem (wife).

 

My last boyfriend was without a doubt a "top dog", and while he totally rocked my world in some ways, in other ways the relationship was stressful and hard on my self-esteem. In the early stages of dating, I brought up the idea of having an open relationship, because I seriously doubted his ability to remain faithful to one woman. He declined, for the reason that he didn't want to share me. My inference was that he would have welcomed the opportunity to mate with other females, but was not willing to share mating rights with me with other males.

[spookie]

His advice: love is BS. It doesn't exist. You pick one person that doesn't completly repulse you and try to make it work. Then you have kids and hope you don't kill each other by the end of it.

 

I'm kinda with him on this one.

 

I wasn't very attracted to my bf when we started dating. No butterflies to speak of and physically I was just barely not-repulsed.

 

But the attraction grew as I got to know him. And sexually we are very compatible, so it works out.

[spookie]

True.

 

I'm watching the BBC's Planet Earth and Life series right now, and there are countless examples of the biggest, strongest male fighting all challengers, beating them, then winning rights to mate with ALL THE FEMALES that form his harem. Granted, there are certain responsibilities, too, depending on the species. In most of them, it's his job to protect the females and the offspring -- not always an easy task, when there are so many of them.

 

And I'm considering the notion that 75% of female humans want the top 15% of males, and would rather share one top male than have a "lower-tier" male all to herself.

 

It's pretty brutal, but makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that the 15% of males who are most desirable to females find staying loyal to one woman quite challenging, and many women will overlook their infidelities, especially if they remain #1 in the harem (wife).

 

My last boyfriend was without a doubt a "top dog", and while he totally rocked my world in some ways, in other ways the relationship was stressful and hard on my self-esteem. In the early stages of dating, I brought up the idea of having an open relationship, because I seriously doubted his ability to remain faithful to one woman. He declined, for the reason that he didn't want to share me. My inference was that he would have welcomed the opportunity to mate with other females, but was not willing to share mating rights with me with other males.

 

But flipping that around, in the dating world, wouldn't you also say that 75% of males want the top 15% of the females??

 

By that logic, if we value loyalty/ fidelity, we should ALL settle for someone undesirable because of how "hard" it is to stay faithful to one person in the top 15%.

[USMCHokie]

But flipping that around, in the dating world, wouldn't you also say that 75% of males want the top 15% of the females??

 

By that logic, if we value loyalty/ fidelity, we should ALL settle for someone undesirable because of how "hard" it is to stay faithful to one person in the top 15%.

 

And by that logic, only the top ~2% of people will truly be happy...that is, members of the top 15% of each gender somehow find each other...? Meanwhile, the vast majority from each gender hold out for the top 15% while fighting off the bottom 75%...

[flying]

But flipping that around, in the dating world, wouldn't you also say that 75% of males want the top 15% of the females??

 

By that logic, if we value loyalty/ fidelity, we should ALL settle for someone undesirable because of how "hard" it is to stay faithful to one person in the top 15%.

 

Yeah, there are a bunch of assumptions in the thread so far...assuming that because attraction to one guy doesn't exist that the OP is only attracted to a 6'3" male model; assuming that the 15% that one person is attracted to overlaps exactly with the 15% that another person is attracted to...

 

I don't think attraction is either such an exact science nor so depressing as this thread makes it sound!

 

That said, the OP has said she has an issue with only being attracted to people who turn out to be less attracted to her. But that's something for her to examine.

 

If it were a simple matter of "I'm not sure if I find him attractive," then that's one thing - I'd say give it a chance, see where it goes, your own issues may be in the way. But since you say you feel kind of repulsed by him (did I read that right?) then I doubt that's going to change...it's just not a match. And that's OK, you know.