Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

August 25, 2010

My last boyfriend was without a doubt a "top dog", and while he totally rocked my world in some ways, in other ways the relationship was stressful and hard on my self-esteem. In the early stages of dating, I brought up the idea of having an open relationship, because I seriously doubted his ability to remain faithful to one woman. He declined, for the reason that he didn't want to share me. My inference was that he would have welcomed the opportunity to mate with other females, but was not willing to share mating rights with me with other males.

I could have told you that without having met the guy, sparing you the awkward open relationship talk...

Not trying to trivialize your doubts. I just don't think that was the healthiest way to approach it. He may have actually been really hurt by that (not saying he was, and you would know way better than I do).

Even top dogs can have their feelings hurt. People are people, the categorization here is far too rigid.

Well WNT, you can [blah blah blah] "settle" for a less physically spectacular guy

I'm not really into other dudes' cocks, but thanks for the offer.

It's funny how if you don't believe in settling and don't think there are roving packs of tall tanned rock stars running around stealing all the pussy, people mistake you for a woman here. That's twice in 24 hours.

Maybe I just need to change my cologne.

August 25, 2010

I love how people try to convince themselves looks arent that big a deal to women and they arent "visual creatures"..

Judging by here its the exact opposite and women are attracted to a very small group of Men that look like they should be on tv..and if the guys not a 9 or 10 they feel like therye "settling"

Edited August 25, 2010 by AD1980

August 25, 2010

I'm kinda with him on this one.

I wasn't very attracted to my bf when we started dating. No butterflies to speak of and physically I was just barely not-repulsed.

But the attraction grew as I got to know him. And sexually we are very compatible, so it works out.

This type of post makes me wanna hold on. I am seeing him tomorrow - I have to pump myself up. Yeah!

August 25, 2010

I had that kind of realization at some point too. It never really mystified me to start with, but at some point at lot of dating stuff just become intuitive to me.

Along the lines of "hoping he will cancel", I often find myself thinking, "ugh need to deal with this flawed situation" when I know the interest level isn't that high or there is some problem like this. It makes me date less actually.

I also think the concept extends even to smaller dating/social matters. Like with the whole online messaging thing and the way some people are so offended they get no reply. Once you yourself get enough 2 line meaningless messages from people a thousand miles away who you don't find attractive, you intuitively understand why so often you don't get a reply either.

After sleeping on it, I am with you. It's not as tragic as it seems. It actually all makes sense now. That why we shouldn't obsess when someone rejects us either....

August 25, 2010

I love how people try to convince themselves looks arent that big a deal to women and they arent "visual creatures"..

Judging by here its the exact opposite and women are attracted to a very small group of Men that look like they should be on tv..and if the guys not a 9 or 10 they feel like therye "settling"

Its usually ugly or average guys who try to convince themslves of that.Women arent that attracted to many Men there only really attracted to the top few percent but settle because they cant do any better and societal pressure to eventually get married

I dont know how many times ive been hit on by married women who wanted to sleep with me before we said a word to each other just becasue i guess im in the top perecentile of Men

Im not bragging but i could probaaly have my way with most Married women married ot avergae looking Men if i got the time to do so just becasue of my looks

August 25, 2010

True attraction isnt really a choice. Its a variable of instincts in many ways.

People usually dont choose who they are attracted to, it just happens.

In your case I think you realize this, that is why you are bringing it up here. You realize you are not truly attracted to this person as you think you might be. You consciously realize this. So why? Why would you want to take a chance with someone you are really not attracted to in the beginning? Is he going to get more attractive to you later on or something?

Why not keep your options open? Do you need a boyfriend that bad? There are thousands of other guys out there. Are you not comfortable enough in your own skin, without having a guy in your life?

August 25, 2010

I could have told you that without having met the guy, sparing you the awkward open relationship talk...

Not trying to trivialize your doubts. I just don't think that was the healthiest way to approach it. He may have actually been really hurt by that (not saying he was, and you would know way better than I do).

Even top dogs can have their feelings hurt. People are people, the categorization here is far too rigid.

He wasn't hurt. One of the best things we had going for us is that we were very honest, even about stuff the other person didn't necessarily want to hear. This meant the trust was solid, and we knew each other for REAL -- not some spiffed-up version we were trying to project to make the other person like us.

It came up when I told him this old boyfriend from high school heard my mp3s I had recorded, found me and started e-mailing me on myspace, and asked me to have a threesome with him and his wife. I didn't want to have the threesome (I'd rather have two men ), but it brought up the discussion. He and I had always talked openly about monogamy, relationships, and whether it was realistic to expect them to last, and it was a good conversation.

The way I talk openly and honestly on this forum is pretty much the same way I talk to my friends and lovers. If they can't handle it, they don't have to be my friend or lover. I'm interested in living an honest, authentic life and moving forward, and getting down to the truth is essential to that.

My ex's reaction was not indicative of all men's. I had talked about open relationships with the previous boyfriend, and he told me he probably wouldn't mind if I had sex with other men for fun, since we were so solid. He looked at it as the whole goddess thing -- "you're a goddess, and you deserve the attention and pampering of as many men as you want it from". I was totally happy with him, so I never took him up on it, but I was impressed that he was so secure.

SAC has talked on here many times about how she is only attracted to the hottest guys, so my comments fit, given that context.

And by that logic, only the top ~2% of people will truly be happy...that is, members of the top 15% of each gender somehow find each other...? Meanwhile, the vast majority from each gender hold out for the top 15% while fighting off the bottom 75%...

I disagree. Happiness is rooted not just in mating activities and pair bonding.

Watching these nature series has really opened my mind. What's leaping out at me is that all these different species simply do the work of surviving, reproducing, finding prey, thwarting predators, and so on, without complaint. They don't cry about it. When they win, they rejoice. When they lose, they submit gracefully.

We really are all on our own. The most well-adjusted people figure this out and make the best of it. A partner can be a very nice addition, but it's not necessary. At any time, that partner could cheat on you, get bored with you, meet someone else, or die. But you've always got yourself and your life.

August 25, 2010

He wasn't hurt.

That makes sense. It was just the "seriously doubted his ability to remain faithful to one woman" part that I thought could have hurt his feelings if you brought it up the wrong way but now I get the dynamic.

August 25, 2010

This type of post makes me wanna hold on. I am seeing him tomorrow - I have to pump myself up. Yeah!

BUT I respected him. I didn't have any lingering doubts that he was my inferior in any way, like you indicated about your guy.

Do you respect him??

August 25, 2010

Its usually ugly or average guys who try to convince themslves of that.Women arent that attracted to many Men there only really attracted to the top few percent but settle because they cant do any better and societal pressure to eventually get married

I dont know how many times ive been hit on by married women who wanted to sleep with me before we said a word to each other just becasue i guess im in the top perecentile of Men

Im not bragging but i could probaaly have my way with most Married women married ot avergae looking Men if i got the time to do so just becasue of my looks

Which is why ive given up on women,i havent had one in my 30 years on earth if i ever do ill be settled for because of somebodies bioligical clock ticking

August 25, 2010

But flipping that around, in the dating world, wouldn't you also say that 75% of males want the top 15% of the females??

By that logic, if we value loyalty/ fidelity, we should ALL settle for someone undesirable because of how "hard" it is to stay faithful to one person in the top 15%.

Yes, but in general, men are more willing to mate with MOST women. Women are much pickier about sex partners, in general, than men. For men, if she's got a pulse and doesn't repulse him, they're pretty much good to go (again, generalizing here). Basically, women want sex with the top 15% of men. Men are content to have sex with the top 75% of women. When you think about the reproductive requirements on males and females, it makes sense that women are choosier. Women bear 99.9% of the reproductive burden.

As for "settling", I think a lot of people make the decision to do that, but when "better" opportunities present themselves, most are fighting biology when they try to resist that primo mating lure.

When I'm in a relationship, hot outside men don't distract me, and never have. But I place a high premium on ethics and morals. Not everybody really cares about being ethical or moral.

August 25, 2010

For men as long as she is decent looking, faithful and treats him well they are satisfied but women have a pretty much unattainable standard of perfection and even women that are not 9s and or 10s themselves are angry that they can't get men out of their league.

Another factor is that women want what another woman has or wants. I have seen men who couldn't get a date to save their life all of a sudden become attractive to many women after they are lucky enough to get a girlfriend. I am not kidding when I say I have friends who wear fake wedding rings to help them get dates.

August 25, 2010

Eh, I did give dudes like him a shot before and it never worked out

I just don't feel excited about seeing him - as in I half hope that he will cancel.

But I am now older and more desperate, that's for sure.

Another thing that's weird - I find myself not responding to his texts for a few hours. I also kind of don't like setting a firm date to see him - I keep leaving things vague. It's bizarre - all those things were the things that guys did to me when they weren't that interested. Wow, I can see everything so clearly now

Also, I want to correct the statement that none of the guys I dated were ever into me before. I meant none of the guys I actually LIKED that I dated were into me before. There were of course guys that I dated and those that I refused to date that were into me - but they are easy to forget because they never held much significance to me.

This whole post is so telling. You aren't excited about him, you'd rather he canceled, and you don't text back as soon as you can. Do you want to settle for this?

See, I find that when a relationship is lacking something, and this could be anything, it takes both parties really stepping up and putting in the effort to regain it. If you never had it in the first place, how can you regain it? Also, the actual point I'm making is that when required to put in more legwork, more effort, you won't because deep down, you're heart isn't in this.

It is a shame, but you can't just switch your attraction button to 'on' because he is really into you. Just a few weeks ago I turned down a really nice guy based on physical attraction. It wasn't there for me, so I'm not going to settle no matter how nice/into me he is.

August 25, 2010

The reality is that most women do end up settling for the men they aren't totally attracted to, but who really like them and will treat them well. The attraction usually comes later. Most women just do not snag their physical type. If you stick around, you'll start to like him, but I don't think it will be fair to him.

And within 10 years they are usually cheating on that guy with someone they DO find attractive.

No the attraction does not "come later".

If your not attracted to the guy... don't freaking date him! It's just completely dishonest.

August 25, 2010

And within 10 years they are usually cheating on that guy with someone they DO find attractive.

No the attraction does not "come later".

If your not attracted to the guy... don't freaking date him! It's just completely dishonest.

Very true. Most happily married men have no idea they were settled for.

August 25, 2010

For men as long as she is decent looking, faithful and treats him well they are satisfied but women have a pretty much unattainable standard of perfection and even women that are not 9s and or 10s themselves are angry that they can't get men out of their league.

Yes, yes and yes. Its funny how mad women get when they are rejected by a really good looking man. Most women think they DESERVE a guy who is a 10 regardless of their looks, personality, attitude, etc. And god forbid they get rejected by a 10, they will go b!tch mode.

Another factor is that women want what another woman has or wants. I have seen men who couldn't get a date to save their life all of a sudden become attractive to many women after they are lucky enough to get a girlfriend. I am not kidding when I say I have friends who wear fake wedding rings to help them get dates.

So true, common knowledge. However, you don't want one of these women for a relationship, only heartache will follow.

August 26, 2010

So I am still seeing this guy J, from my other thread(s) - (if you can't follow no matter).

He is so sweet to me. He keeps doing romantic things like send me flowers etc. He wrote me a song and played it on the night I came to see his band play (they are actually not bad). I can tell that he will treat me with respect and that he is honest and genuine. I have met his friends and even though he has lots of female friends, his attention is awlays focused on me.

I never have to worry about him not calling or not responding to texts, because he always does < 30 minutes. Even when he is palying a gig, he will respond to my text when they are having a break after a set. He also wants a LTR and is serious about it.

I have confided in him about some of my emotional issues and he didn't run for the hills. If anything - he is even more attentive.

There is no stress and anxiety and we have fun together. Physical side is a bit iffy tohugh. We have kissed - but that's about it. He is not really my physical type.

I mean, I keep telling myself - passion fades in time anyway - would it be so bad to have someone that you can count on and that will be your best friend?

I am thinking about stopping multi-dating and giving this a real shot.

SaC,

You need to identify what is really important to you and what is not important to you to make make you happy in the long term.

In your other post and here, your desire for physical attractiveness (a hot guy) seems to be overridining everything else. Intellectually, you know this is not valid, but emotionally you are struggling on how to deal with the internal conflict you are having (ie. great guy but little physical attraction). At the moment you are letting one quality (hot guy) outweigh other qualities that could actually make you just as happy or even happier in the long run.

Intellectually we know that in a fantasy world we can have it all. The bad news is that in reality we can't have it all because no one can offer it all to us. But, the good news is that we don't need to have it all to have a very happy life.

Sure, what woman would not choose a hot guy? But, are there other qualities that are more important to you than a hot guy?

The challenge in life is to be able to make the right choices. Choices as to what is really important to us and what is not in the big picture.

The ability to make those choices is called maturity.

Here is a multiple choice exercise to help you make some choices and hopefully help bring you some clarity.

In the exercise below, I have taken your own words that you have written about J in your initial post and put them below.

In each case select choice (a) or (b) based on your experiences with J and also with hot physically attractive guys that you have dated in the past. In each case, also consider what is more important to you for your long term happiness. With your answer you will be able to determine just how important that quality is and whether it is more or less important than "hot guy" quality.

For each question, choose only (a) or (b), you can't choose both.

1a: This is more important to me: He is so sweet to me.

1b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who is not sweet to me

2a: This is more important to me: He keeps doing romantic things like send me flowers

2b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who does not send me flowers

3a: This is more important to me: He wrote me a song and played it on the night I came to see his band play

3b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who can't write/play songs

4a: This is more important to me: he will treat me with respect

4b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who does not treat me with respect

5a: This is more important to me: he is honest and genuine

5b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who is not honest or genuine

6a: This is more important to me: his attention is always focused on me

6b: This is more important to me: a hot guy whose attention is not focussed on me

7a: This is more important to me: I never have to worry about him not calling or not responding to texts, because he always does < 30 minutes.

7b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who i worry about and does not always respond to calls or texts

8a: This is more important to me: Even when he is palying a gig, he will respond to my text when they are having a break after a set.

8b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who doesn't do this

9a: This is more important to me: He also wants a LTR and is serious about it

9b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who is ambivalent about LTR

10a: This is more important to me: I have confided in him about some of my emotional issues and he didn't run for the hills. If anything - he is even more attentive

10b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who runs for the hills about my emotional issues

11a: This is more important to me: There is no stress and anxiety and we have fun together.

11b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who gives me stress and anxiety

12a: This is more important to me: Physical side is a bit iffy tohugh. We have kissed - but that's about it. He is not really my physical type.

12b: This is more important to me: a hot guy whose only real positive quality is that he is my physical type

13a: This is more important to me: someone you can count on and that will be your best friend

13b: This is more important to me: a hot guy who i can't count on and is not a best friend to me

Did you choose (a) in any of the above? Hopefully, the above will help bring some clarity to you.

Edited August 26, 2010 by westrock

August 26, 2010

Westrock - I choose a) in 9/13 above. OMG thank you so much - this is amazing.

I spoke to my real life friends and ALL of them know my dating issues and ALL of them think that I should give this guy a shot. They basically said that they themselves have given up on hot guys when they were about 21

It would be nice to have it all - but it is not possible.

August 26, 2010

I don't agree with your friends. Cutting him off right now is better than letting something develop and then breaking his heart later on down the road. Stop this train before it turns into a wreck.

August 26, 2010

I don't agree with your friends. Cutting him off right now is better than letting something develop and then breaking his heart later on down the road. Stop this train before it turns into a wreck.

Woggle, I may be able to develop feelings of attraction for him later on. It's too early to tell. If I am ever at the point where I am sure that I will never be attracted to him - I will break it off.

August 26, 2010

Woggle, I may be able to develop feelings of attraction for him later on. It's too early to tell. If I am ever at the point where I am sure that I will never be attracted to him - I will break it off.

You might be able to but you probably won't and when you come to this realization there will be another heartbroken men.

August 26, 2010

Westrock - I choose a) in 9/13 above. OMG thank you so much - this is amazing.

I spoke to my real life friends and ALL of them know my dating issues and ALL of them think that I should give this guy a shot. They basically said that they themselves have given up on hot guys when they were about 21

It would be nice to have it all - but it is not possible.

Ask yourself this- would YOU want to be with a guy who was only so-so about you attraction wise? Basically he had to turn to friends and an online community to help him decide whether to be with you? Clearly no one wants this. I don't want a guy to need convincing to be with me. Yes no one can have it all, but on the most basic of levels, attraction is a must at the onset. All of the "inner beauty" and personality attraction stuff comes into play afterwards. If you don't even have the basic physical attraction for this guy do him and yourself a favor and move on. Someone else will hopefully come into his life that finds him head-over-heels hot and that person won't need convincing to be with him. Stop compromising the basics just to be in a relationship with someone who treats you better than others in your past.

August 26, 2010

Casually date him. When you lose interest, stop seeing him.

Question: do you look forward to kissing him, or is it just something you do and you have no desire to go further physically with him.

Yes, attraction can grow, but there really needs to be a seed there in the first place.

August 26, 2010

This is why as a mediocre looking dude i stay out fo the dating scene..Looks matter allot unfortunately for me

August 26, 2010

This is why as a mediocre looking dude i stay out fo the dating scene..Looks matter allot unfortunately for me

You would have to look pretty hideous to be labeled mediocre. I doubt you look that bad.

Personally, I'm grateful I wasn't born a pretty boy, but rather given just the right level of looks. I think this nature's way of telling me I'm meant to take on a pretty active role when it comes to women, as it will teach me what I need to learn, and get me great results.

This as opposed to being a spoiled pretty boy.

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Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

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