Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

[Ruby Slippers]

You would have to look pretty hideous to be labeled mediocre. I doubt you look that bad.

 

Personally, I'm grateful I wasn't born a pretty boy, but rather given just the right level of looks. I think this nature's way of telling me I'm meant to take on a pretty active role when it comes to women, as it will teach me what I need to learn, and get me great results.

 

This as opposed to being a spoiled pretty boy.

You are awesome.

[PJKino]

You would have to look pretty hideous to be labeled mediocre. I doubt you look that bad.

 

Personally, I'm grateful I wasn't born a pretty boy, but rather given just the right level of looks. I think this nature's way of telling me I'm meant to take on a pretty active role when it comes to women, as it will teach me what I need to learn, and get me great results.

 

This as opposed to being a spoiled pretty boy.

 

Maybe but as evidecne by this thread and forum if the initial attraction isnt there then chances are slim anything will happen and with my looks im not a "initial attraction" guy by any stretch

[Ruby Slippers]

In spite of my verbosity post-awesome nature programs, I'm attracted to the whole package. I've dated guys most people thought were very good-looking and guys who probably would have been considered about average, and to me, they were all gorgeous.

[MrNate]

Maybe but as evidecne by this thread and forum if the initial attraction isnt there then chances are slim anything will happen and with my looks im not a "initial attraction" guy by any stretch

 

Initial attraction isn't all about just 'looks'. I know for a fact that you don't look hideous, and women out there will find you attractive. As long as you give out a positive vibe, I'm sure women out there will respond to it. I give off a very raw, physical, honest, powerful vibe. You'll never see me dolled up. Just be true to yourself, and I'm sure you'll radiate your unique vibe that women will like.

 

Your chances for success are as good as anyone else's. I wouldn't use LS forums to be 'evidence' of any kind.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Casually date him. When you lose interest, stop seeing him.

 

Question: do you look forward to kissing him, or is it just something you do and you have no desire to go further physically with him.

 

Yes, attraction can grow, but there really needs to be a seed there in the first place.

 

No, I don't look forward to kissing him. It's just something I do because I am supposed to. As for going further, at this stage forgetaboutit.

 

I don't mind holding hands and hugging, that's kind of nice.

 

Ugh, it doesn't sound too good does it?

[Intergalactic]

just my two cents about the passionate love thing and if it exists/if it fades - my parents have been together 28 years this weekend and they are still very much in love and passionate about each other. so much so and so openly that it sickens me sometimes haha.

 

as for your situation OP... i say just give it a bit more time. i mean if you aren't growing more unattracted to him every time you see him then it's worth a shot. i wasn't very attracted to my ex when i first started getting to know him and we ended up dating for 4 years - and i was very much in love with him AND thought he was the best looking dude ever. when we broke up i thought "oh god how am i ever going to get someone as good looking as he is?!".

then again, i dated someone a few months ago that i thought was okay looking when i first gave him my number but as the dates went on and i got to know him, he just became more and more unattractive to me.

[OliveOyl]

No, I don't look forward to kissing him. It's just something I do because I am supposed to. As for going further, at this stage forgetaboutit.

 

I don't mind holding hands and hugging, that's kind of nice.

 

Ugh, it doesn't sound too good does it?

 

Noooooo.... this is not good. Not good at all. I'm sorry but if you don't have these feelings now, or if they are at least not starting to develop, you will NEVER have them.

 

My marriage has basically ended partly due to the fact that I just couldn't see my STBX as anything beyond a good friend and there was no passion at all. And my STBX is definitely good looking. Better looking than most men my age, in fact. But it's not about looks. It's about "chemistry." Which a lot of people think is about whether the person is objectively attractive, and sure, looks do factor in but it's not a direct correlation.

 

I think you should be able to tell whether you have chemistry with him or not by now. It usually shows up pretty early. Chemistry is different than attachment, though. You can be "attached" to someone who you don't even really like that much. I wouldn't recommend that though.

[Cracker Jack]

No, I don't look forward to kissing him. It's just something I do because I am supposed to. As for going further, at this stage forgetaboutit.

 

I don't mind holding hands and hugging, that's kind of nice.

 

Ugh, it doesn't sound too good does it?

 

Doesn't sound good. Sounds like he's already in a bad position to begin with. If you're kissing him because you're "supposed to" and not because you want to, there's already a huge problem.

 

Honestly, I just don't see the point in continuing to see him. You're not really helping yourself or him in the process.

[pandagirl]

No, I don't look forward to kissing him. It's just something I do because I am supposed to. As for going further, at this stage forgetaboutit.

 

I don't mind holding hands and hugging, that's kind of nice.

 

Ugh, it doesn't sound too good does it?

 

Hmm. Not really. haha.

 

The reason I asked was because I wasn't sure if you had "low attraction," or NO attraction. I know some people are saying go with the flow, which I totally agree with, but I feel in order to let attraction grow, you can't already be fighting against it.

 

I think it'd be possible for this to happen, but it really depends on the person at hand. I have a friend who seems to be able to fall for anyone. It's not that she is desperate or anything, but she's extremely loving, open and happy.

 

I'm not trying to imply that you *aren't*, but I don't think you'd deny that you have some issues to deal with. I think that this is, in part, what is keeping you from liking someone who really likes you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, here I go again with my old tired creed:

 

SLOW DOWN!

 

All you have to do is date for now. When and if you KNOW that it is not happening, or you are certain that you would prefer to stay home and post on LS or play online Scrabble than do anything at all with this guy, I would say it's time to call it off.

 

Yes, he shows all the signs of being so into you. You don't know how this is going to play out over time. I still have reservations about a guy who would text about his horrid date as it was going on, to another woman he hasn't met. That's me though. My point is that you have a lot to learn about each other. You are not at the point of "settling" or not "settling." You are DATING.

 

And so overthinking.

 

Getting so ahead of oneself in a person's mind and in non stop talking and analysis of a fairly simple situation will, in my opinion, obscure the natural progression of two people getting to know one another.

 

Same goes for complete immersion in false intimacy through IM, email, phone, etc. when two people have not had some time and space (real time, not tech time) to spend and check things out.

 

Nothing can grow or really be discovered when people get so ahead of what is really happening.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Its usually ugly or average guys who try to convince themslves of that.Women arent that attracted to many Men there only really attracted to the top few percent but settle because they cant do any better and societal pressure to eventually get married

 

I dont know how many times ive been hit on by married women who wanted to sleep with me before we said a word to each other just becasue i guess im in the top perecentile of Men

 

Im not bragging but i could probaaly have my way with most Married women married ot avergae looking Men if i got the time to do so just becasue of my looks

 

Sure, Steve. You just keep telling yourself all that.

[spookie]

SAC,

 

I questioned this in your other thread, but I don't think you ever responded.

 

What do you mean by "hot"? Is it really completely superficial and physical with you?

 

For example, would you be attracted to an intelligent, successful, well-dressed, fit and healthy guy, who was on the short side, bald, with facial features that are not classifically "handsome"?

 

I know I would consider such a guy "hot". To me, the physical manifestations of "hotness" are only relevent where they indicate lifestyle choices or personality traits, for example, I think muscular guys are hot becuase it shows they work out.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with desiring a "hot" partner if hotness isn't based on looks only.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Sorry if I missed your question before spookie.

 

By hot, I DO mean hot to me. My boss for example, for whom I had feelings for good 4 years is very average looking. He is short (shorter than me even) middle aged man (10 years older than me) with a beer gut and an average face. Yet, he has overall charisma and intelligence that I found very attractive. My feelings for him were killed when I found out that he was having affairs. That made me lose all respect for him.

 

I also have a certain physical type (dark hair, olive complexion, strong body) that I am attracted to. If there is a guy of my physical type that is average looking - I can find him very hot.

 

The problem with this guy (J) is that he is average looking and the complete opposite of my type (blonde, pasty, skinny).

 

There are also objectively very hot men that are really dumb (you know the dumb jock type) that do nothing for me.

 

I actually do not think that I am being unreasonable with attraction requirement BUT at 31 - I haven't been able to find a guy yet that I am physically attracted to, is intelligent enough, understands me emotionally and is really into me. That's a bit disheartening and makes me question if my standards are too high.

[Imajerk17]

I'm not sure if a life sentence with someone who doesn't really do it for you is my idea of happiness.

 

What is life going to be like when you are expected to sleep with him every night for the rest of your life?

 

Or when you do meet someone, such as a coworker, whom you are really into?

[kalikula]

SadAndConfused:

 

Have you tried improving yourself physically? IE Getting into better shape or losing a little weight. Maybe this would bump you up and get more attention from the hot guys you're interested in. Or maybe it's the area you live in?

[SadandConfusedWA]

SadAndConfused:

 

Have you tried improving yourself physically? IE Getting into better shape or losing a little weight. Maybe this would bump you up and get more attention from the hot guys you're interested in. Or maybe it's the area you live in?

 

That is actually a good idea. I want to drop about 20lbs.

[FearandLoathing]

This thread is pretty interesting...

 

I say that you should at least go on a couple more dates with him and see if anything changes at all in the way that you feel about him. If you don't see yourself enjoying him or feeling more comfortable or you're still not able to see yourself being intimate with him then I say dump him.

 

If you're honestly not attracted to him then you'll just become bitter and resentful that he's not the attractive man you feel you should be with. It will do more harm than good, I believe, in the long run. No matter what a sweetheart he is

 

You shouldn't be out looking for the absolute perfectly hot guy or no one else, but you shouldn't have to be with someone who is so completely out of your preferences either

[Philetus]

There is no stress and anxiety and we have fun together. Physical side is a bit iffy tohugh. We have kissed - but that's about it. He is not really my physical type.

 

I mean, I keep telling myself - passion fades in time anyway - would it be so bad to have someone that you can count on and that will be your best friend?

 

I am thinking about stopping multi-dating and giving this a real shot.

 

I'm a guy so maybe it's different but it doesn't sound like it is.

 

There is no spark, no physical chemistry. Eventually, you'll ache for it and you'll stray.

 

I was married 19 years and yes 'passion' fades away. But you need a strong, intimate attraction to 'keep the fires burning'. If you don't, you will drift apart and live independent lives. That happened over the final five years of my marriage and I see it again and again in others.

 

He sounds like 'good friend' material. He's not a life partner for you. You're settling and it only works until something better comes along. Unless you plan on subjugating your libido for the rest of your life?

 

Your brain is trying to convince your body what is good for it. Follow your heart and accept things as they are. It's the only way to happiness. You can't control how you feel any more than you can control the weather.

 

Getting into an exclusive relationship with this guy is a mistake you'll come to regret, IMHO.

[westrock]

sorry for this long reply... but hopefully it provides some insight

 

I agree with FearandLoathing. Maybe J is good for you long term, maybe he's not. Keep dating him until you know one way or another.

 

makes me question if my standards are too high.

The question is not whether your standards are too high. You should ALWAYS have high standards.

The better question is what traits are you defining as part of your standards for evaluating a relationship and are those desired traits a WANT or a NECESSITY or both ?

 

You want to evaluate a relationship based on what's necessary. The 'wants' are just a bonus.

 

I also have a certain physical type (dark hair, olive complexion, strong body) that

I am attracted to.

The problem with this guy (J) is that he is average looking and the complete

opposite of my type (blonde, pasty, skinny).

 

What you are describing are standards for objective type traits. For example, height, weight, hair color. All of these can be "measured" objectively and assessed.

 

Intellectually, it really makes no difference whether a guy has dark hair or has blonde hair when it comes to evaluating a relationship. Someone can have dark hair and be a jerk, and someone else with dark hair can be very kind.

 

Hair color is a WANT, but not a NECESSITY. I want someone who is dark haired, but it is not really necessary someone be dark haired for a relationship to succeed.

 

Basically, objective type of traits should be treated as "wants", and not as "necessary" in determining whether a relationsip will be successfull and fulfilling.

 

But, compare that to standards for subjective traits.. for example, wthout knowing any objective traits, consider two people:

Person "A" who is caring, trustworthy, patient, understanding

Person "B" who is rude, lies, manipulative, selfish

 

From the above, most would say Person A is a much better person to be in a relationship with.

The reason why is that having someone who is trustworthy is necessary for a successful relationship. It doesn't matter if a person has dark hair or blonde hair because if they are not trustworthy then the relationship will ultimately fail everytime.

 

If you now put it all together, there are four possibilities...

 

Person "A1" who is caring, trustworthy, patient, understanding

+ dark hair, olive complexion, strong body

 

Person "A2" who is caring, trustworthy, patient, understanding

+ blonde, pasty, skinny

 

Person "B1" who is rude, lies, manipulative, selfish

+ dark hair, olive complexion, strong body

 

Person "B2" who is rude, lies, manipulative, selfish

+ blonde, pasty, skinny

 

 

Would you date B2 ? Probably not. He has neither the necessary traits nor the wanted traits.

 

B1 guys? They have the wanted traits but not the necessary traits. I think you have been dating B1 type of guys, but how has that worked out?

 

A1 would be the perfect match. Both wanted traits and necessary traits. But you have not found anyone so far that meets both standards. How long are you willing to wait? 5 yrs? 10 yrs? 40 yrs? What makes you sure that he even exists or isn't already married? Even if you found an A1, what makes you so sure that you're an A1 to him?

 

That leaves A2 type guys. Based on your description of J, it sounds like he would fit into the A2 type of guys. Would you be lowering your standards or settling for 2nd best if you went with an A2 type of person? Maybe or maybe not. The answer really depends on what's included in your standard. The only way to find out is to keep dating the A2 (eg. J). If you define your standard to include WANTS and NECESSITIES, then the J's of the world will fail your standard in the long run. But, if you are able to decide that in the long run it's the NECESSITIES that really count, then A2 is actually a valid choice that is still consistent with you having HIGH standards for a relationship. Choosing an A2 person does not mean you are lowering your standards.

 

So, don't lower your standards, just know what standards are important.

[CaliGuy]

I just went to ask my boss for advice

 

I never talk about my love life at work (except with a girl that I am friends with outside of work) so don't know why I did it...

 

Anyway, he kept saying how flattered he is that I would come to him..and then turned it around and started talking about his own marriage problems and lack of passion

 

His advice: love is BS. It doesn't exist. You pick one person that doesn't completly repulse you and try to make it work. Then you have kids and hope you don't kill each other by the end of it.

 

Well #1: Don't ask your boss for relationship advice and #2 especially when he is failing at his OWN marriage. Bad, bad karma!

 

I think he's wrong simply because if you marry someone that meets both your physical and emotional needs then you don't have to work at keeping the relationship going. Saying "Love is BS" is someone who is jaded and one-sided in his opinion.

 

If you aren't physically attracted to this guy then even if you do date I think you'll eventually start scanning the horizons for a better option. I don't want to be with someone whom I don't "rock their world" in all aspects -- as I would expect her to do the same with me.

 

The point is if that you don't have a strong physical connection with this guy (and honestly I think in some aspects he's coming on too strong). I think you need to keep on your course and wait for the right guy who meets 90% of your needs, not 50%.

 

Cheers.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not sure if a life sentence with someone who doesn't really do it for you is my idea of happiness.

 

What is life going to be like when you are expected to sleep with him every night for the rest of your life?

 

Or when you do meet someone, such as a coworker, whom you are really into?

 

But ... but ... she only JUST MET THIS GUY! The actual issue is whether she should go on another date with him, not whether she is going to be able to sleep with him every night for the rest of her life! Holy Moly!

[make me believe]

Omg. I find this entire discussion to be completely ridiculous.

 

- You aren't attracted to the guy.

- You don't look forward to his phone calls/texts.

- You don't look forward to seeing him.

- You hope that he cancels plans he's made with you.

- You don't enjoy kissing him and going further is completely out of the question.

 

So, WHAT exactly are you even posting for??? I absolutely cannot believe that after knowing these facts so many people are still telling you to give him a chance!! I agree with Woggle, let him go before you end up breaking his heart. I can just see somebody in your situation posting a year down the line "I've been dating my bf for a year. I was never attracted to him physically, never liked kissing him or being sexual with him, but thought it would grow on me. Now we live together but I'm miserable and I'm sooo attracted to our gorgeous next door neighbor! What should I do?"

 

Honestly, you must be incredibly desperate for a relationship if you are willing to settle for somebody that it sounds like you barely even like. Imagine if he had written all of this stuff about you -- how he hopes you cancel plans, he isn't attracted to you, he can barely stomach kissing you. Would you want him to keep leading you on just to see if you "grew" on him? Have some respect for the poor guy and let him find somebody who actually likes him!

[mem11363]

RS,

Great post. I think it is great you have that unfiltered style. It has always worked for us. Coming to the end of year 21 - with no EA/PA on either part though there has been some temptation for both of us along the way.

 

But I give her credit - in this area she is brutally honest from the start she said:

 

You are a man with a high drive. So this is the deal, I will keep you happy in bed. If you are NOT happy you are to speak up pronto and I will fix whatever the problem is. In exchange - you will be totally monogamous. Or when I catch you and eventually I will - remember I used to work at the FBI - I won't kill you, but you will wish you were fuvking dead well before I am through with you. All said totally deadpan. So she has kept up her end of the deal - and I mine. I believed/believe her. Love plus fear create a giant boundary to cheating.

 

 

 

He wasn't hurt. One of the best things we had going for us is that we were very honest, even about stuff the other person didn't necessarily want to hear. This meant the trust was solid, and we knew each other for REAL -- not some spiffed-up version we were trying to project to make the other person like us.

 

It came up when I told him this old boyfriend from high school heard my mp3s I had recorded, found me and started e-mailing me on myspace, and asked me to have a threesome with him and his wife. I didn't want to have the threesome (I'd rather have two men ), but it brought up the discussion. He and I had always talked openly about monogamy, relationships, and whether it was realistic to expect them to last, and it was a good conversation.

 

The way I talk openly and honestly on this forum is pretty much the same way I talk to my friends and lovers. If they can't handle it, they don't have to be my friend or lover. I'm interested in living an honest, authentic life and moving forward, and getting down to the truth is essential to that.

 

My ex's reaction was not indicative of all men's. I had talked about open relationships with the previous boyfriend, and he told me he probably wouldn't mind if I had sex with other men for fun, since we were so solid. He looked at it as the whole goddess thing -- "you're a goddess, and you deserve the attention and pampering of as many men as you want it from". I was totally happy with him, so I never took him up on it, but I was impressed that he was so secure.

 

SAC has talked on here many times about how she is only attracted to the hottest guys, so my comments fit, given that context.

 

 

I disagree. Happiness is rooted not just in mating activities and pair bonding.

 

Watching these nature series has really opened my mind. What's leaping out at me is that all these different species simply do the work of surviving, reproducing, finding prey, thwarting predators, and so on, without complaint. They don't cry about it. When they win, they rejoice. When they lose, they submit gracefully.

 

We really are all on our own. The most well-adjusted people figure this out and make the best of it. A partner can be a very nice addition, but it's not necessary. At any time, that partner could cheat on you, get bored with you, meet someone else, or die. But you've always got yourself and your life.

[Star Gazer]

Omg. I find this entire discussion to be completely ridiculous.

 

- You aren't attracted to the guy.

- You don't look forward to his phone calls/texts.

- You don't look forward to seeing him.

- You hope that he cancels plans he's made with you.

- You don't enjoy kissing him and going further is completely out of the question.

 

So, WHAT exactly are you even posting for??? I absolutely cannot believe that after knowing these facts so many people are still telling you to give him a chance!! I agree with Woggle, let him go before you end up breaking his heart. I can just see somebody in your situation posting a year down the line "I've been dating my bf for a year. I was never attracted to him physically, never liked kissing him or being sexual with him, but thought it would grow on me. Now we live together but I'm miserable and I'm sooo attracted to our gorgeous next door neighbor! What should I do?"

 

Honestly, you must be incredibly desperate for a relationship if you are willing to settle for somebody that it sounds like you barely even like. Imagine if he had written all of this stuff about you -- how he hopes you cancel plans, he isn't attracted to you, he can barely stomach kissing you. Would you want him to keep leading you on just to see if you "grew" on him? Have some respect for the poor guy and let him find somebody who actually likes him!

 

I really have to agree.

 

I don't understand what the continued discussion is for.

[MrNate]

I think people don't realize just how animal-like human beings really are.

 

Sad, why not just find a guy who turns you on instead of going on sympathy dates? It seems like you aren't attracted to this dude in the slightest. Why waste time?