Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with low physical attraction?

[westrock]

if you marry someone that meets both your physical and emotional needs then you don't have to work at keeping the relationship going.

 

I don't agree with the bolded part. The most successful relationships are that way because the couple continues to work on the relationship day in day out, probably more so than anyone else. Needs change over time. It's those that don't work on it or think they don't have to work on it who find themselves in trouble down the road.

 

 

I think you need to keep on your course and wait for the right guy who meets 90% of your needs, not 50%.

 

I agree with the bolded part. But the problem is that often times people confuse 'wants' as being 'needs'. If they can get clarity on that then they would start to recongize many more people they passed up actually met 90% of their needs but because many of their 'wants' were not being met, they wrongly concluded that only 50% of their needs were being met when it would have been more accurate to say that 90% of their 'needs' were being met and 10% of their 'wants' were being met.

[Sanman]

Reading through this, two thoughts come to mind. While he may not be your type, is he really so repulsive that you would never want to have sex with him? You may not want to jump him the second you met, but that can change. If it does not, dump him. The bigger issue I wonder about is this politician guy. Are you over him? Are you allowing yourself to be attracted to J or comparing him to politician guy or others. I know that the woman I am currently dating I did not have the greatest attraction to immediately. She didn't have as nice of a skin color, the straight hair, the tattoos. However, I realized and let go of the longing for an ex and decided to concentrate on the woman in front of me who was very interested rather than the screwed up one who left. The result was that I immediately began to to feel more attraction to the current. She has a great body, beautiful smile, and wonderfully dirty mind. The moral is this:

 

(A) If you are objectively completely unattracted leave.

 

(B) However, if the lack of attraction is due to the fact that you decided in your head that he was not your type rather than allowing yourself to look for attractive qualities in him, then you need to fix yourself.

 

That said, a month or two of dating is not going to kill either of you. Just be honest with the guy and say that he is not your usual physical type, but an awesome guy.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I am meeting him in 2 hours. If I still don't feel like kissing him tonight - I think it's best if I just abort.

[SadandConfusedWA]

It shouldn't be like this.

 

Ugh. I just want to stay home with a glass of wine and Heathers DVD.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OMG. Then why go?

 

And why spend (waste) massive amounts of your own mental energy and all the posting, talking to your boss (WRONG) vacillating, etc? YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. You KNOW you don't like him. He behaves like he worships you, and you like that, but not enough to want to experience it more that you want to drink wine by yourself with a DVD.

 

Where is the question in all this?

[TaraMaiden]

I think the title needs changing to:

 

"Has anyone managed to have a good relationship with NO physical attraction, and in fact, no kind of attraction whatsoever?"

 

I would think that would be a "no...." - !

[make me believe]

OMG. Then why go?

 

And why spend (waste) massive amounts of your own mental energy and all the posting, talking to your boss (WRONG) vacillating, etc? YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. You KNOW you don't like him. He behaves like he worships you, and you like that, but not enough to want to experience it more that you want to drink wine by yourself with a DVD.

 

Where is the question in all this?

 

Seriously! I don't understand all of this mental anguish! You don't like the guy. You aren't attracted to him. Fine! Don't date him! Problem solved. What is the big issue here?? I also don't understand why people are trying to convince you to force this situation on yourself. Geez, it's not a crime to want to be physically attracted to someone you date! I think it's a basic expectation, is it not? If you have to force the attraction, or force yourself to hang out with him in order to see if he grows on you, it's NOT going to work. Relationships should happen naturally, not because somebody you're practically repulsed by managed to grow on you because you forced yourself to spend time with him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I understood somewhat at the beginning ... I myself went through a phase of experimenting with dating good guys for whom I really felt no spark. This was because my lifelong pattern was to ONLY be attracted to dangerous & destructive men. After a devastating divorce, I thought my "picker" might be faulty so I did try this.

 

Still, if I had that much negative to say about the guy culminating in preferring to stay home with wine and DVD and my own company, I would not carry on.

 

I certainly would not have needed to elicit the opinions of countless friends, strangers and work associates to arrive at that decision. So that's where my understanding abruptly aborted.

 

Smacks of attention seeking and high drama.

 

Not to hijack, but I did ultimately find one that ignited the spark and who is still a good man who wants to lead a good life.

[Star Gazer]

I understood somewhat at the beginning ... I myself went through a phase of experimenting with dating good guys for whom I really felt no spark. This was because my lifelong pattern was to ONLY be attracted to dangerous & destructive men. After a devastating divorce, I thought my "picker" might be faulty so I did try this.

 

Still, if I had that much negative to say about the guy culminating in preferring to stay home with wine and DVD and my own company, I would not carry on.

 

I certainly would not have needed to elicit the opinions of countless friends, strangers and work associates to arrive at that decision. So that's where my understanding abruptly aborted.

 

Smacks of attention seeking and high drama.

 

This post sums up the thread perfectly.

[Die Hard]

It shouldn't be like this.

 

Ugh. I just want to stay home with a glass of wine and Heathers DVD.

 

cut the guy some slack and leave him alone. He's better off anyway. Like you say: you're 20 pounds overweight and like to stay home and drink and watch TV. Not exactly a catch where I come from.

[Sanman]

Seriously! I don't understand all of this mental anguish! You don't like the guy. You aren't attracted to him. Fine! Don't date him! Problem solved. What is the big issue here?? I also don't understand why people are trying to convince you to force this situation on yourself. Geez, it's not a crime to want to be physically attracted to someone you date! I think it's a basic expectation, is it not? If you have to force the attraction, or force yourself to hang out with him in order to see if he grows on you, it's NOT going to work. Relationships should happen naturally, not because somebody you're practically repulsed by managed to grow on you because you forced yourself to spend time with him.

 

Not to thread jack, but I have to agree with the Mmme Chaucer and say that it is not that simple. Some people are only attracted to destructive individuals, some have unrealistic expectations, etc. Those people should not simply move on. They need to fix themselves. I know a guy that is not all that attracted to the woman he is seeing or his previous long-term gfs. Instead this guy pines for the few women who used him for free dinners/gifts and dumped him less than a month later. He is short, balding, overweight, and bitter. Yet he has criticized even some of the women I have dated in terms of looks (miles ahead of anyone he has dated physically). I don't know the OP, but I think the possibility that she will drop a nice guy to be continually used by 'hotter' guys will not end well for her. Saves a lot of trouble for the guy though as she will likely stray if she doesn't work on changing herself and her pattern is the one described above.

[Cobra_X]

Not to thread jack, but I have to agree with the Mmme Chaucer and say that it is not that simple. Some people are only attracted to destructive individuals, some have unrealistic expectations, etc. Those people should not simply move on. They need to fix themselves.

 

Those people are what we like to call "crazy". If they intend to fix their problems it should be done BEFORE entering into a new relationship.

 

It's ridiculous to expect that dating this guy is going to change her. She has to do the work of changing herself... if that's even what she wants.

 

Therfore... those people should move on.

[Sanman]

Those people are what we like to call "crazy". If they intend to fix their problems it should be done BEFORE entering into a new relationship.

 

It's ridiculous to expect that dating this guy is going to change her. She has to do the work of changing herself... if that's even what she wants.

 

Therfore... those people should move on.

 

 

The world is full of crazy people including many of us, otherwise we would all be off in happy relationships instead of on LS. I would say that such a person needs to become comfortable and give something different a chance as part of personal growth and discovery. That is working on yourself. Now the person they are dating has every right to run for the hills and that is the advice I would give if talking to the other person.

[sweetjasmine]

It shouldn't be like this.

 

Ugh. I just want to stay home with a glass of wine and Heathers DVD.

 

If you really feel that way, then why not do just that and let the guy find someone else?

[Cobra_X]

The world is full of crazy people including many of us, otherwise we would all be off in happy relationships instead of on LS. I would say that such a person needs to become comfortable and give something different a chance as part of personal growth and discovery. That is working on yourself. Now the person they are dating has every right to run for the hills and that is the advice I would give if talking to the other person.

 

No... Do not date people your not attracted to. It's that simple.

 

This whole philosophy is just messed up!

 

If a woman doesn't find me attractive... She should tell me that upfront before we even go on the first date. If at any point I become unattractive, I should be told right away. At what point is it Ok for a woman to waste my time when there are plenty of others who actually DO think I'm attractive?

 

Additionally... if lifestyle or $$$ is what mosts attracts a woman to me... I should be told that upfront as well.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Geez. What the hell don't you all get?

 

I have always been attracted to super hot men that were bad for me.

 

I have always avoided dating nice guys because there wasn't a "spark".

 

I am trying to change things by dating a nice guy and hoping that the spark will develop.. Towards the end of this thread and after few more dates, obviously it isn't working. I will now let the guy go.

 

Maybe some of you were lucky enough to find good guys who are into you and with whom you feel the physical spark. I am not. I have never had a single relationship like that. Not a single one.

 

I just can't believe how people can be so narrow minded on here. Just because something is true for YOU doesn't make it true for everyone else

[Cobra_X]

Maybe some of you were lucky enough to find good guys who are into you and with whom you feel the physical spark. I am not. I have never had a single relationship like that. Not a single one.

 

And... why do you think that is?

[Cracker Jack]

^I don't think people are trying to be narrow-minded; they're just being real about your situation. At least in some situations, a woman would be somewhat excited to hang with the guy, regardless if he's not the best when it comes to looks. Your stance, well, seems to be someone who's turned off by the guy by a wide margin, but simply wants to try with him anyway because you want to change your style of dating. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it simply isn't right to force something like this.

 

As you know--you can't force attraction. Good thing you're letting him go, tho. Oh, and another thing: Are "nice guys" just not your cup of tea or something? I find it hard to believe you've never come across a "nice guy" that was attractive. And is this spark solely generated on how good they look?

[SadandConfusedWA]

^I don't think people are trying to be narrow-minded; they're just being real about your situation. At least in some situations, a woman would be somewhat excited to hang with the guy, regardless if he's not the best when it comes to looks. Your stance, well, seems to be someone who's turned off by the guy by a wide margin, but simply wants to try with him anyway because you want to change your style of dating. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it simply isn't right to force something like this.

 

As you know--you can't force attraction. Good thing you're letting him go, tho. Oh, and another thing: Are "nice guys" just not your cup of tea or something? I find it hard to believe you've never come across a "nice guy" that was attractive. And is this spark solely generated on how good they look?

 

I have never come across a nice guy that is attractive, single AND into me.

 

As for preferring to spend time alone than with that guy: here is the thing. I enjoy being by myself more than I do being with most other people. The exception being guys that I am super into or maybe 1 or 2 friends. I enjoy my own company so much, that it takes a lot for me to find company that is preferable to my own.

 

I turn down nights out with friends on regular basis so that I can read a book or watch a DVD. Again, I am well aware that this is not true for most people. I am just different.

[SadandConfusedWA]

And... why do you think that is?

 

The mix of bad luck and my standards being too high in physical looks department.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Geez. What the hell don't you all get?

 

I have always been attracted to super hot men that were bad for me.

 

I have always avoided dating nice guys because there wasn't a "spark".

 

I am trying to change things by dating a nice guy and hoping that the spark will develop.. Towards the end of this thread and after few more dates, obviously it isn't working. I will now let the guy go.

 

Maybe some of you were lucky enough to find good guys who are into you and with whom you feel the physical spark. I am not. I have never had a single relationship like that. Not a single one.

 

I just can't believe how people can be so narrow minded on here. Just because something is true for YOU doesn't make it true for everyone else

 

People have NOT been narrow minded. You have had loads of input and attention from people who have really given thought to your situation, including me.

 

Clearly you don't like much of the feedback you've received, but narrow minded? No.

 

You have posted more than once that your intuition is NEVER wrong. Your posts do not reflect this! At all.

 

Bottom line is really simple. If you are not at all, in any way willing or able to slow down, let things unfold in a natural way, and see if there is anything there (and evidently you aren't), OR, if you are certain that you are not interested in anything he has to offer (and you seem to be certain of that) then why bother wasting the time of this guy ... yourself ... your boss ... your friends. I won't mention all the rest of us nimrods here on LS; obviously we are down with time wasting in a big way or we wouldn't be here reading and responding.

 

Personally, I find it difficult to relate to spending such a great deal of time and energy on what is basically a non-event. I felt the same way about the big brouhaha about the politician guy drama. I am not judging you. That's the way I feel.

 

And there does come a time when it is just wrong to string somebody along when you have absolutely NO interest, regardless of how "into" you they act. That's just a little portion of a relationship; besides, courtship behavior is often a lot different than LTR behavior. The attention is nice but not enough to be the only foundation upon which to build a real relationship.

[Sanman]

No... Do not date people your not attracted to. It's that simple.

 

This whole philosophy is just messed up!

 

If a woman doesn't find me attractive... She should tell me that upfront before we even go on the first date. If at any point I become unattractive, I should be told right away. At what point is it Ok for a woman to waste my time when there are plenty of others who actually DO think I'm attractive?

 

Additionally... if lifestyle or $$$ is what mosts attracts a woman to me... I should be told that upfront as well.

 

It is really funny that you think people will actually be that honest with you. I promise you that your time has been wasted and you didn't even know it. So if your SO thinks you don't look like Brad Pitt 20 years down the line she should immediately tell you? and then what? Some of my best relationships were with women I was not initially hugely attracted to. However after a few dates they became very attractive to me and I kept finding more things to like about them. Perhaps, I should have let them know on our first date that the woman I went out with last night had a better tits and so I will not be seeing them again? Perhaps I should have as well when they were sick or had just woken up in the morning and were a bit of a mess? In my book, physical attraction has only one question...is the other person attractive enough to have sex with? Beyond that I pay more attention to personality and any extra physical attributes are icing. This whole idea of being insanely in love with everything about a person from the first moment seems naive and more like infatuation then real love/relationship health.

 

SaC, I applaud your efforts to try something new an encourage you to keep trying new types as, ime, you may be surprised what develops if given a chance.

Edited August 28, 2010 by Sanman

[Mme. Chaucer]

I enjoy being by myself more than I do being with most other people. The exception being guys that I am super into or maybe 1 or 2 friends. I enjoy my own company so much, that it takes a lot for me to find company that is preferable to my own.

 

I turn down nights out with friends on regular basis so that I can read a book or watch a DVD. Again, I am well aware that this is not true for most people. I am just different.

 

SAC, what are is it that YOU will be bringing to the relationship, when you have one?

 

I understand wanting solitude and loving to read, write, create, etc. I'm like that myself. But if you really prefer that to the companionship of all people, almost all the time ... are you going to be "giving" in a relationship?

 

A guy being really "into" you only goes so far.

[Woggle]

Maybe you should take the time out on your own to figure out why you are attracted to men who are bad for you. Get to the root of it and then maybe you can fix it. Don't keep trying to date guys you are not into.

[spookie]

The mix of bad luck and my standards being too high in physical looks department.

 

But SAC... your standards aren't ABOUT the looks department!

 

You liked your boss for many years even tho he is not objectively good-looking.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with the standard being refusing to date someone you are not attracted to in any way. And as long as there's nothing majorly f-ed up abotu the people you ARE attracted to - and from the sounds of it, there actually isn't - you don't need to justify it.