sex & marriage: a wife's view

[cyabye]

Sex is such a need for us men. I hate being a prisoner to this fact because it usually brings frustration and dissappointment.

 

When sex is not constant I;

 

#1. Get pissy and stay pissy.

#2. Stop doing little things for my wife.

#3. Could care less if her emotional needs are being met.

#4. Am somewhat cold and distant.

#5. Think about other women.

#6. Have no desire to go on a date, hold hands or snuggle because I know it will lead nowhere.

 

When sex is more constant I;

 

#1. Am more relaxed and fun.

#2. Go out of my way to do little things for my wife.

#3. Care very much about my wife's emotional needs.

#4. Am very open and attentive.

#5. Have no desire for other women.

#6. Look foreward to going on a date with my wife and enjoy holding hands and snuggleing.

 

There you have it. This is just me though.

 

AGREED! 100%

 

cya

Edited March 22, 2010 by cyabye

[JamesM]

This sounds very strange to me. YOU have DECIDED that this is the reason? Euh... have you told your wife that you have decided that? Have you spoken about this to her? This does not seem like a matter of deciding something to me. Why don't you ask her what she feels is the reason?

 

Have we discussed this before? Yes, many times.

 

Has she given me what she thinks are the reasons? Yes, a few times.

 

Have I always believed that she knew what the problems are? No.

 

Why not? Because I guess I have always thought it was and is me only. While it could be me still, I think that fibromyalgia has a greater impact than I first thought. So when I say that I have decided, then I mean to say that now I am coming to believe that she may be right.

 

As she knows and as many who know me in real life know, I enjoy researching everything. If I find a problem or a new topic, then I will look up every possible angle and opinion about it. So, when it came to low libido, I did the same.

 

So why doesn't she look into it more? Because as she is in other areas of life, she doesn't enjoy researching a problem as I do. From marriage to parenting to religion to health to you name it, this is simply a strength of mine.

 

 

 

yes I'm being nasty, but....

 

Yes, you are.

 

Be careful. There is a fine line between "being nasty" followed by a "but" and "being nasty" and being a "but."

 

Just a thought.

 

 

 

but reading all his posts, he seems very adept at making excuses for the lack of sex in his life. He defends his wife to no end, while upset about the situation.

 

Understanding a situation and a person in no way excuses that situation or person. I am not excusing her nor saying that it is now okay or has always been. What I am saying is that she does have a reason(s) for her lack of interest in sex.

 

And yes, I love my wife without a doubt. When I can defend her, then I will. Being upset with "the situation" and even her has not changed that. The question is...am I willing to accept the reason and still remain with her, and the answer is yes. The lack of enough sex does not mean that there is not enough hugging and kissing as in Giotto's case. It does not mean that she does not show her love to me.

 

Sex simply does not give her as much enjoyment as it does me. It is not her "love language."

 

I did do a quick read on fibromyalgia and sex and to me it seems like another excuse for the lack of sex in his life.

 

Yes, it may be an "excuse," but I think it is rather a reason. Finding a reason gives a better path to finding a solution.

 

Think of it this way. When you have the sickness that causes your muscles to ache and feel weak or when you just don't feel good, then is sex as enjoyable as it is when you feel great, happy and healthy? Probably not.

 

So with her. When she is feeling pains and aches, then having sex is a chore. Even if she wants to do it for me, that doesn't mean that she enjoys it. Obviously, she will not initiate it, and when I suggest it, sex will not be looked at as an expression of love.

 

Is it the only reason? No. I have not concluded that yet. And perhaps as I move along, I will find that something else actually has a greater impact on the reason for the lack of sex.

 

Call me stupid or call me insane but also call me still in love overall with my wife. Until I get to the point that leaving sounds better than staying, then call me committed.

 

I can only imagine how difficult it is, but can not understand how he can be here complaining about the issue on one hand and continually absolving his wife on the other.

 

Actually, I don't think you or I can truly understand how difficult it is for her. I can understand what it does to my life and what I see on the outside from her, but really....I cannot imagine that many days she has some sort of pain.

 

I do not absolve her from her responsibilities as a wife. To absolve someone means to set the free from all guilt of a situation. I am not doing that. Giving a reason as to why someone does something in no way means that I am saying she has no responsibility or "guilt" for the situation. For example, I can give you reasons and I can understand why John Edwards took a mistress and then lied about it. However, I am not absolving him of the actions that he took. Understanding why something happened or why someone did something does not mean that we take away their guilt for what they did.

 

Coming here or anywhere to "complain" is a way to reach solutions and listen to others who have similar problems. Being here has given me directions to go.

 

And things have become better and worse and better as a result of "complaining" here.

 

I am truly getting frustrated on LS reading males seemingly wanting so little, yet when denied, accepting the fact that there wives won't have sex with them....... And again in each case women who have orgasms.....

 

You just don't get it, do you? For many women, orgasms are not the climax of sex. An orgasm is only part of the complete experience. Most men find the climax to be literally the climax. Women don't (always).

 

Most men can have sex with any woman when they are desperate for sex. Most women cannot. Sex simply is different for men than it is for women. Men don't need that emotional connection, while women do. Men can shut off everything else in the world and focus on sex. Women cannot.

 

Yep I don't understand women whatsoever......

 

[JamesM]

James, you may have already read this, but here is a touching article about one couples' efforts to maintain a sexual relationship with fibro:

 

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/PainManagement/comments?type=story&id=4841319

 

I think it is wonderful how that couple manages to protect their intimate relationship, even though sex is not always possible.

 

The comments are as interesting as the article. There is a comment from a man named Vince, describing his experience with fibro and sexuality, from a man's point of view:

 

I am a man and believe it or not , and I have Fibromyalgia, and neuropathic pain. I understand this subject entirely , I had to fake orgasms because I wanted to please my wife to keep our sexual relationship alive eventhough my pain levels were high and in conjunction with all the medicines I have to take ,I have developed erectile dysfunction. Life has been hard because my illness that my wife wants divorce and since we have seperated .With this ilness I have to accept the chronic pain and change your life style.In, conlusion life is not fair.Vince

 

It isn't just women and it isn't an excuse. Chronic illness can wreak havoc on sexual functioning. Without an understanding, empathetic spouse (like James), there really is no hope.

 

Thank you for the link and especially for your understanding. It is appreciated more than I can say here.

[EmmaLou]

 

Think of it this way. When you have the sickness that causes your muscles to ache and feel weak or when you just don't feel good, then is sex as enjoyable as it is when you feel great, happy and healthy? Probably not.

 

So with her. When she is feeling pains and aches, then having sex is a chore. Even if she wants to do it for me, that doesn't mean that she enjoys it. Obviously, she will not initiate it, and when I suggest it, sex will not be looked at as an expression of love.

 

Actually, I don't think you or I can truly understand how difficult it is for her. I can understand what it does to my life and what I see on the outside from her, but really....I cannot imagine that many days she has some sort of pain.

.

 

James I really sympathise with her. My mum has fibromyalgia and she is in constant pain, it is basically 'the pain disease'. She is on the strongest painkillers and they only take the edge off. Some days she can't even get out of bed, others she can but she is still in pain, but is determined to keep smiling and carry out normal tasks.

You sound very supportive of her, which I bet she really appreciates! I do think having this condition is a valid 'excuse', how can sex be enjoyable when you're in extreme pain... Especially as it affects the muscles so it hurts to move. She obviously loves you, it shows through her affection... I bet she misses it as much as you. When you're having sex I bet it makes you feel incredibly loved as she's making an amazing effort for you!

I can also understand that even in a case like this, it's still hard to accept you might not ever have a regular sex life again... I love sex, but the day might come that I'll have to deal with not having it.. and you're the person I'll think back to, to get some inspiration.

[Texsun65]

I think it is a resentment for their husbands. Why? I don't know?

 

I go to work, come home on time everyday. I am a caring, loving, helpful husband and father. My family is my life. I enjoy a wide variety of interests and we travel, have a lot of social interaction with a wide variety of people. We have a good life and have worked hard to provide that, but I am certain I am resented. Why?

 

One main reason is because of sex. I need love, affection and sex from her and she does not want it and doesn't want to give it. Is it because she resents me that she doesn't want love/sex or is it because I want sex that she resents me. In either case I do not understand.

 

I am a good husband and father, am am physically fit and haven't changed much. I think people enjoy my company, so I am not a total putz.

 

She just wants her cake and wants to eat mine too.

 

Women know they have the power and they can string us out and ruin our lives, but because we are decent husband and fathers they expect us to live with it.

 

I will live with it until my kids are grown and then I am gone.

 

Wives wonder why they end up divorced single moms, yet they fail to see that their rejection of their husbands has anything to do with it. In so many instances they get exactly what they deserve and yet society makes the man out to be the evil bastard. In many instances these men have loced their wives, yearned for their love and lived in an affectionless and sexless marriage for years until they just couldn't take it anymore and then they are the *******s. Whatever!

 

it is crap!

 

 

Why are you not having sex more often and why is it so much stress/work for her to get orgasms? My understanding is that you are not going for hours are you?

 

You have a way of co-mingling love/sex/intimacy and in the end you are doing a hell of a lot (probably more then me) for your wife to address this situation and getting less.....

 

I really am not trying to be mean, as I have my hang-ups and fears, but there is not one answer I have found to my stoopid equation the makes sense, unless we are talking about huge resentment amongst many women here with their husbands.....

[giotto]

I think it is a resentment for their husbands. Why? I don't know?

 

I go to work, come home on time everyday. I am a caring, loving, helpful husband and father. My family is my life. I enjoy a wide variety of interests and we travel, have a lot of social interaction with a wide variety of people. We have a good life and have worked hard to provide that, but I am certain I am resented. Why?

 

One main reason is because of sex. I need love, affection and sex from her and she does not want it and doesn't want to give it. Is it because she resents me that she doesn't want love/sex or is it because I want sex that she resents me. In either case I do not understand.

 

I am a good husband and father, am am physically fit and haven't changed much. I think people enjoy my company, so I am not a total putz.

 

She just wants her cake and wants to eat mine too.

 

Women know they have the power and they can string us out and ruin our lives, but because we are decent husband and fathers they expect us to live with it.

 

I will live with it until my kids are grown and then I am gone.

 

Wives wonder why they end up divorced single moms, yet they fail to see that their rejection of their husbands has anything to do with it. In so many instances they get exactly what they deserve and yet society makes the man out to be the evil bastard. In many instances these men have loced their wives, yearned for their love and lived in an affectionless and sexless marriage for years until they just couldn't take it anymore and then they are the *******s. Whatever!

 

it is crap!

 

join the club... lol

[JamesM]

I will live with it until my kids are grown and then I am gone.

 

Wives wonder why they end up divorced single moms, yet they fail to see that their rejection of their husbands has anything to do with it.

 

I understand your pain and anger. I really do.

 

Question...if you plan on "living with it" until your kids are grown, why don't you in the mean time, do everything you can do to fix it? You are there anyhow by your own admission. My last boss used to tell me about something that seemed unfixable, "If you are going to throw that out, then why don't you first see if you can fix it?"

 

And so I say to you about your marriage...if you plan on leaving, then why not try to fix what you have in the time before you leave? It won't hurt you and it may help. If it doesn't, then nothing lost.

 

Many husbands also end up divorced and wonder why when all they had to do was make some small changes. And yes, I still say that to myself.

[JamesM]

James I really sympathise with her. My mum has fibromyalgia and she is in constant pain, it is basically 'the pain disease'. She is on the strongest painkillers and they only take the edge off. Some days she can't even get out of bed, others she can but she is still in pain, but is determined to keep smiling and carry out normal tasks.

You sound very supportive of her, which I bet she really appreciates! I do think having this condition is a valid 'excuse', how can sex be enjoyable when you're in extreme pain... Especially as it affects the muscles so it hurts to move. She obviously loves you, it shows through her affection... I bet she misses it as much as you. When you're having sex I bet it makes you feel incredibly loved as she's making an amazing effort for you!

I can also understand that even in a case like this, it's still hard to accept you might not ever have a regular sex life again... I love sex, but the day might come that I'll have to deal with not having it.. and you're the person I'll think back to, to get some inspiration.

 

Your words were very kind. Thank you for making my day.

 

I don't know that I have accepted it yet, and I don't know that I think this is all of our problem, but the more that I read, then I cannot help but think that it is more than I have realized over the years. Even this morning, my wife (as she went off to work to care for other sick people) when I asked how she was doing said, "Okay I guess, got quite a bit of pain, but I will be okay. One day at a time."

 

I guess I can take this one day at a time, too.

[Texsun65]

I have exhausted myself trying to fix it.

 

I have discussed everything with he a million times. For years she would give me this long list if things I need to do and be in order to get her back where she needs to be. I jhave met them all and then some and then a new list appears. The bar is always moved. For years she used her low libido to push me around, control me and never had any intention of meeting my needs as she had implied. Finally, I called bull**** and stated I would not play that game anymore. I told her I was leaving unless things changed. Things have changed to some degree, but I know the truth. Her change is all fake and forced and that is not what I want from a marriage. I want a person who is compatible with my wants and needs. In this way we will compliment each other. I shouldn't have to settle.

 

 

I want a wife who wants me because I am me. Not one who will give in once her lie has been uncovered and wants to keep the father of her children in the house. It is all fake.

 

We discussed our needs regarding sex prior to marriage. I indicated I was a high need person in that area and she indicated she had no problem being that for me. But shortly after marriage, the sex life changed and she blamed me for it. According to her, It was my fault she wasn't in the mood. She made me chase around this fictitious pot of gold by trying to meet her needs and demands and she never had any intent to meet mine.

 

I tried to limit and reduce my needs and desire to keep her happy, but I have come to understand that I cannot be happy that way.

 

As I say, finally I called bull**** on her game, told her what I needed and what I expected and that I would leave without out it. It did get her to change but it is a hollow victory. Getting what you want thru force of will and knowing it has no meaning for her and is truly replused by her makes it very unfulfilling.

 

I waited way too long (10 years) to put my foot down. In restrospect, the first time she denied my needs and tried to manipulate me thru my needs I shoul have shut it down right then. I might have been able to save my psyche by doing it then, but after 10 years of struggle, the fact that she hates being with me is too hard to overcome.

 

I will try to enjoy my marriage in the interim and will not be closed minded about the possibility for improvement, but if the situation is substantially the same after the kids have gone, then I am outta here.

 

 

I understand your pain and anger. I really do.

 

Question...if you plan on "living with it" until your kids are grown, why don't you in the mean time, do everything you can do to fix it? You are there anyhow by your own admission. My last boss used to tell me about something that seemed unfixable, "If you are going to throw that out, then why don't you first see if you can fix it?"

 

And so I say to you about your marriage...if you plan on leaving, then why not try to fix what you have in the time before you leave? It won't hurt you and it may help. If it doesn't, then nothing lost.

 

Many husbands also end up divorced and wonder why when all they had to do was make some small changes. And yes, I still say that to myself.

[JamesM]

I want a wife who wants me because I am me. Not one who will give in once her lie has been uncovered and wants to keep the father of her children in the house. It is all fake.

 

What are your needs?

 

How often do you "need" sex to be happy? How often do the two of you have sex? Do you both enjoy it?

 

Do you still love her? If yes, why would you not want to keep trying? And if no, then why stay?

 

Will you have an affair, or have you decided that celibacy is the way to go within a marriage?

 

Just curious.

[giotto]

 

 

I waited way too long (10 years) to put my foot down.

 

I waited 15...

 

I will try to enjoy my marriage in the interim and will not be closed minded about the possibility for improvement, but if the situation is substantially the same after the kids have gone, then I am outta here.

 

Same here... our stories are remarkably similar, although my wife has had some mental illness to deal with... keep strong...

[mem11363]

There was one conversation that has helped us with this - and proof that it helped is that we have not had to have this talk in the last 3 years.

 

I kept bringing this up until I was satisfied:

 

Me: Do you believe my feelings and actions show you are by far my highest priority in life?

Her: Yes

Me: Do you believe your actions show ME to be the second highest priority in your life (right after the kids)?

Her: Not consistently

 

Me: Would that be acceptable to you in reverse?

Her: No

 

This took a while to have an impact but when it worked - it worked really well.

 

 

 

 

I have exhausted myself trying to fix it.

 

I have discussed everything with he a million times. For years she would give me this long list if things I need to do and be in order to get her back where she needs to be. I jhave met them all and then some and then a new list appears. The bar is always moved. For years she used her low libido to push me around, control me and never had any intention of meeting my needs as she had implied. Finally, I called bull**** and stated I would not play that game anymore. I told her I was leaving unless things changed. Things have changed to some degree, but I know the truth. Her change is all fake and forced and that is not what I want from a marriage. I want a person who is compatible with my wants and needs. In this way we will compliment each other. I shouldn't have to settle.

 

 

I want a wife who wants me because I am me. Not one who will give in once her lie has been uncovered and wants to keep the father of her children in the house. It is all fake.

 

We discussed our needs regarding sex prior to marriage. I indicated I was a high need person in that area and she indicated she had no problem being that for me. But shortly after marriage, the sex life changed and she blamed me for it. According to her, It was my fault she wasn't in the mood. She made me chase around this fictitious pot of gold by trying to meet her needs and demands and she never had any intent to meet mine.

 

I tried to limit and reduce my needs and desire to keep her happy, but I have come to understand that I cannot be happy that way.

 

As I say, finally I called bull**** on her game, told her what I needed and what I expected and that I would leave without out it. It did get her to change but it is a hollow victory. Getting what you want thru force of will and knowing it has no meaning for her and is truly replused by her makes it very unfulfilling.

 

I waited way too long (10 years) to put my foot down. In restrospect, the first time she denied my needs and tried to manipulate me thru my needs I shoul have shut it down right then. I might have been able to save my psyche by doing it then, but after 10 years of struggle, the fact that she hates being with me is too hard to overcome.

 

I will try to enjoy my marriage in the interim and will not be closed minded about the possibility for improvement, but if the situation is substantially the same after the kids have gone, then I am outta here.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Women enjoy them as much as men, maybe more (i.e. multiple, stronger/longer ones)....

 

You keep splitting hairs. Below you said the following:

 

You just don't get it, do you? For many women, orgasms are not the climax of sex. An orgasm is only part of the complete experience. Most men find the climax to be literally the climax. Women don't (always).

 

What is this complete experience???? And who says Giotto, Texsun65 or myself are not doing all that and expecting the same thing. Is the whole experience foreplay/hugging/kissing/housecleaning/paycheque/parenting/gifts????

 

My wife just left and stated again about not thinking about sex.... I corrected her and said that yes I think about it and when we have it it is good.

 

James I know it makes you feel better to split hairs, but I consider you incorrect here.

Edited March 22, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

Women enjoy them as much as men, maybe more (i.e. multiple, stronger/longer ones)....

 

You keep splitting hairs. Below you said the following:

 

You just don't get it, do you? For many women, orgasms are not the climax of sex. An orgasm is only part of the complete experience. Most men find the climax to be literally the climax. Women don't (always).

 

What is this complete experience???? And who says Giotto, Texsun65 or myself are not doing all that and expecting the same thing. Is the whole experience foreplay/hugging/kissing/housecleaning/paycheque/parenting/gifts????

 

My wife just left and stated again about not thinking about sex.... I corrected her and said that yes I think about it and when we have it it is good.

 

James I know it makes you feel better to split hairs, but I consider you incorrect here.

 

1. James is correct in that women don't always consider orgasm to be the high point of sex. Not all women are the same, of course. Here's a riddle for you: in my favorite position for intercourse, I can not orgasm at all. There are other positions in which I will orgasm every time, but I don't like them as much. Figure that one out

 

2. It doesn't mean you, James, Giotto, or Texsun are doing anything wrong.

 

3. James has come to an understanding about his wife and her experience that is bringing him some peace with his difficult situation. Why does his peace make you angry?

[JamesM]

Women enjoy them as much as men, maybe more (i.e. multiple, stronger/longer ones)....

 

Then I will bow to your enlightened wisdom.

 

However, my point is that most women enjoy the complete experience more than a man does. A man is happy with a climax if the woman below him sufficiently convinces him she is happy.

 

Does that mean women do not enjoy orgasms? No, and I do not see that I said that.

 

Can a man have good sex without an orgasm? No, would be the response of 99% of the men. For most men, the focus of the entire sexual experience is the orgasm. It is about the ending. And many men can roll over and will turn off sexually when that happens.

 

Can a woman have good sex without an orgasm? And the response would be yes from a much greater percentage than it would be from men. Perhaps a woman can respond to how she could enjoy sex with the man she loves without having an orgasm.

 

Read this link for a little more info...

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_300/382_love_tip.html

 

Note that one of the myths is.....

Women need to orgasm to enjoy themselves.

 

This orgasm myth couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex feels good whether a woman has an orgasm or not, and when combined with the right level of intimacy, the experience can be immensely satisfying regardless of whether or not she climaxes. Many women even prefer foreplay to actual sex and orgasm. Why? Because, for some women kissing, hugging and caressing are more satisfying than anything you see in porn flicks. If you combine these acts of affection with slow and steady penetration, most women will be perfectly content at the end of your love session.

 

Just something to consider.

 

You keep splitting hairs. Below you said the following:

 

You just don't get it, do you? For many women, orgasms are not the climax of sex. An orgasm is only part of the complete experience. Most men find the climax to be literally the climax. Women don't (always).

 

Read the above link.

 

What is this complete experience????

 

Read the above link.

 

And who says Giotto, Texsun65 or myself are not doing all that and expecting the same thing.

 

No one.

 

Is the whole experience foreplay/hugging/kissing/housecleaning/paycheque/parenting/gifts????

 

Perhaps a woman can respond to this. A man that does all of the above certainly enhances his attraction. However, I am guessing that the sexual experience does not include all of that, and I also know that doing housework or bringing home the check will not guarantee a great sex life.

 

My wife just left and stated again about not thinking about sex.... I corrected her and said that yes I think about it and when we have it it is good.

 

I thought you always had enough sex. And BTW, maybe I asked, what is enough sex for you? Her?

 

James I know it makes you feel better to split hairs, but I consider you incorrect here.

 

I can accept that you disagree, but I wonder if a woman would agree with you or me or perhaps neither of us.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

1. James is correct in that women don't always consider orgasm to be the high point of sex. Not all women are the same, of course. Here's a riddle for you: in my favorite position for intercourse, I can not orgasm at all. There are other positions in which I will orgasm every time, but I don't like them as much. Figure that one out

 

2. It doesn't mean you, James, Giotto, or Texsun are doing anything wrong.

 

3. James has come to an understanding about his wife and her experience that is bringing him some peace with his difficult situation. Why does his peace make you angry?

 

and peace. James however keeps eluding the question or to me is vague in his explanations/rationalizations. He is the one who threw out the idea of finding a woman for just sex in one long post, so obviously his peace is a fragile one.

 

BTW I'm terrible with riddles:p....

[JamesM]

and peace. James however keeps eluding the question or to me is vague in his explanations/rationalizations.

 

Which question needs a better explanation? Which one is being eluded? I

 

see you missed a couple of my questions.

 

He is the one who threw out the idea of finding a woman for just sex in one long post, so obviously his peace is a fragile one.

 

Actually, I have thrown the idea out...in the garbage can at this point. I have considered that idea, and oddly enough, it gave me the realization that despite it all, I do have a choice. Oddly, that idea of getting a woman for just sex doesn't appeal to me anymore. The satisfaction would not be the same. Will it in the future? Perhaps.

 

And since I have reached that epiphany, I have found some peace for now. I doubt that anyone can say that they have found lasting peace with all of their problems and I will say the same. However, I can say that while I have accepted what I have, I have not quit trying to make changes. You may still be witness to some threads that will raise questions that may make you think that I am not at peace. Those threads are used by me (as other use them) to get ideas and answers and direction.

 

How is your sex life so different from mine, Giottos, Texsuns, or mems that would make us want to do what you do? What can you tell all of us besides the obvious advice of leaving and/or divorcing?

[EmmaLou]

 

Can a woman have good sex without an orgasm? And the response would be yes from a much greater percentage than it would be from men. Perhaps a woman can respond to how she could enjoy sex with the man she loves without having an orgasm.

 

For me, I need to enjoy the whole experience... I am the one being penetrated, and depending on how much I'm enjoying the experience, it can feel amazing all the way to feeling like I have an object covered in sandpaper inside me. I'm never thinking about the end result and don't care if I have it, it's getting him to orgasm that I love.. the thrusts, positions, talking dirty.. I get really turned on and it's really pleasurable. If the journey was good, I'm satisfied afterwards!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Which question needs a better explanation? Which one is being eluded? I

 

see you missed a couple of my questions.

 

 

 

Actually, I have thrown the idea out...in the garbage can at this point. I have considered that idea, and oddly enough, it gave me the realization that despite it all, I do have a choice. Oddly, that idea of getting a woman for just sex doesn't appeal to me anymore. The satisfaction would not be the same. Will it in the future? Perhaps.

 

And since I have reached that epiphany, I have found some peace for now. I doubt that anyone can say that they have found lasting peace with all of their problems and I will say the same. However, I can say that while I have accepted what I have, I have not quit trying to make changes. You may still be witness to some threads that will raise questions that may make you think that I am not at peace. Those threads are used by me (as other use them) to get ideas and answers and direction.

 

How is your sex life so different from mine, Giottos, Texsuns, or mems that would make us want to do what you do? What can you tell all of us besides the obvious advice of leaving and/or divorcing?

 

I think mem is the only one giving advise on how to improve one's sex life.....

 

I do aks what is average, expected and what one can live with. Mem wants a lot more then you (and get's it).

 

I guess where I am bothered (and saddened) JamesM is that you have stated that if you got it once every 2 weeks you'd be okay. I find that very little and basically asking nothing of your wife imo.

 

Giotto probably could live 1x/wk and I could wish for 2-3X's/wk, but that is just a wish. I respect Texsun65, but he has not given us much insight into his hopes (and that is fine).

 

Point is none of us are obsessed or asking for inordinate amounts of sex and that is a pity.

 

Suffice to say if you are that curious I am somewhere between mem & giotto when it comes to frequency and ok but not happy about it.

[CrissyQ]

I am not married,sh.t i have not even been in a serious relationship in yr's.I would love to find love and get married.My bestfriend for the past 18 yr's is married and has been for 13 yr's now she tells me sex is very important in a marriage she said there was a point in the marriage that she was not into her husband sexually(and her husband is drop dead gorgeous)so she fixed it she told him "hey we need to talk i love you but you're not doing it for me the way you use to,we need to fix this so i can enjoy sex with you and if i am enjoying it with you i will give it to you more often" he at first was a bit hurt but he took her advice.They went from having sex twice a week to 7-12 a week,and it has been this way for the past 3 yr's now.

 

She say's women lose the sex drive because men after so many yr's stop trying to satisfy the women the for play making her get in the mood doing things for her womenneed these things just like men need sex more often.

[giotto]

I am the one being penetrated

 

You have a very boring sex life... Only joking...

[EmmaLou]

You have a very boring sex life... Only joking...

 

Hehe... well I keep nudging my willy into his back when we're spooning but he keeps pretending not to notice...

[giotto]

Hehe... well I keep nudging my willy into his back when we're spooning but he keeps pretending not to notice...

 

no, I was thinking more about a strap-on... lol... I didn't know you were a tranny...

 

Thanks for the entertaining... I need it at the moment...

[EmmaLou]

no, I was thinking more about a strap-on... lol... I didn't know you were a tranny...

 

Thanks for the entertaining... I need it at the moment...

 

I know you meant strap-on, I just wanted to take it a step further.

You're very welcome.

[mem11363]

Over time I have listened to you fellows - and to my wife - and my viewpoint is evolving somewhat. So first I will start with some news that will give you a short chuckle at my expense - and considering my very early posts I suppose I deserve to be poked fun of a bit.

 

My eldest child (who is 19) chose to do something just over 2 months ago that shocked, astonished and shamed my wife. From that day until now my wife as not even let me try to get her to come - not even once. Her libido is now effectively zero.

 

So all along I kind of thought that my protection from a near celibate marriage was that special blend of 90/10 beta/alpha that I have fine tuned. But that isn't it. My wife just actually feels like it is an act of kindness to connect with me even though she gets no real physical pleasure from it - I mean sure I give her a massage - but she gets no real sexual pleasure. The ONLY pleasure she gets - which she claims is enough - is she says it makes her happy to make me happy. And equally true it would make her feel guilty to ignore me - leave me feeling tense/miserable.

 

I was really tempted last week to tell her I would go buy a copy of sports illustrated swimsuit edition and leave her alone for a week or two - but I am going to wait for a bit and see how this goes before doing that.

 

We are at about twice a week - with me arguing for less out of guilt and her arguing for more out of guilt.

 

I do feel kind of unattractive and I am definitely at a loss as to how I should even act given how one sided this whole thing is.

 

 

I think mem is the only one giving advise on how to improve one's sex life.....

 

I do aks what is average, expected and what one can live with. Mem wants a lot more then you (and get's it).

 

I guess where I am bothered (and saddened) JamesM is that you have stated that if you got it once every 2 weeks you'd be okay. I find that very little and basically asking nothing of your wife imo.

 

Giotto probably could live 1x/wk and I could wish for 2-3X's/wk, but that is just a wish. I respect Texsun65, but he has not given us much insight into his hopes (and that is fine).

 

Point is none of us are obsessed or asking for inordinate amounts of sex and that is a pity.

 

Suffice to say if you are that curious I am somewhere between mem & giotto when it comes to frequency and ok but not happy about it.