Sex Without Emotion for Women - Is it possible?

[calizaggy]

Erica, many double standards in life, and this is one of them..

 

Tell your next SO how you sleep with good looking men for just sex and have no feelings and see how he feels. IMHO if you did this often you would not be a good catch at all.

[espec10001]

Women can get pregnant from sex so of course a wise woman would be more careful with her body.

[carhill]

Does that make me less of a good catch because i'm able to do that? Hell no.

 

Generally I would agree; I think being a 'good catch' does not turn on the ability (or not) to have casual non-emotional sexual relations. That said, if/when someone demonstrates that switch, it is a point of compatibility, if that person enters a mutually loving LTR. Their partner would necessarily come to understand and accept that such a person *can* flip that switch, either situationally or globally, and embrace the totality of what that choice means within the relationship. To me, this is gender-neutral. Both parties in a LTR have equal benefit, choice and responsibility. My perspective is, and was, that such a flipping of that switch was a betrayal of the intimacy and commitment agreed to when marrying. In a casual, non-exclusive situation, no such committment has been made nor is expected; it is, when exclusivity is on the table, to me, an important factor to consider regarding compatibility. Is a partner who *can* have intimacy absent emotion someone I want to commit to? Everyone's answer is necessarily their own.

[EricaH329]

Erica, many double standards in life, and this is one of them..

 

Tell your next SO how you sleep with good looking men for just sex and have no feelings and see how he feels. IMHO if you did this often you would not be a good catch at all.

 

No. I do not believe in double standards. Just as you do not believe in females having sex without any strings attached.

 

I do not go around sleeping with any attractive guy I see. I have slept with a man before without any emotions involved. Both agreed it was nothing more than casual sex.

 

Honestly, if that makes me less of a good catch, then I think you need to seriously reconsider your standards. Then again, you aren't the one i'm dating, so it doesn't matter to me.

[EricaH329]

Generally I would agree; I think being a 'good catch' does not turn on the ability (or not) to have casual non-emotional sexual relations. That said, if/when someone demonstrates that switch, it is a point of compatibility, if that person enters a mutually loving LTR. Their partner would necessarily come to understand and accept that such a person *can* flip that switch, either situationally or globally, and embrace the totality of what that choice means within the relationship. To me, this is gender-neutral. Both parties in a LTR have equal benefit, choice and responsibility. My perspective is, and was, that such a flipping of that switch was a betrayal of the intimacy and commitment agreed to when marrying. In a casual, non-exclusive situation, no such committment has been made nor is expected; it is, when exclusivity is on the table, to me, an important factor to consider regarding compatibility. Is a partner who *can* have intimacy absent emotion someone I want to commit to? Everyone's answer is necessarily their own.

 

I understand the point you are making, but if I am in a LTR with someone, then I love them. That is already an emotion. So there wouldn't be any way that I could have sex with that person without any emotions involved.

[paddington bear]

On the mental disorder comment that someone made. Friends of mine who have had significant numbers of one night stands with lots of different guys have tended to either have troubled family lives, issues with their fathers or abuse in their past. I'm not saying all, but a lot. And I think it's not about wanting sex, wanting an orgasm, it's about filling some kind of emotional vacuum temporarily while remaining emotionally distant, sex = attention i.e. there are underlying emotional reasons for wanting numerous casual sexual partners, which is distinctly different from repeatedly satisfying that sexual urge which I suspect is more the reason that man would have casual sex.

[Lizzie60]

I don't know how old you are.. (and not sure about young women these days).. but when I was much younger.. I couldn't have sex without falling head over heels for the guy... I also never slept with someone I wasn't already verrry attracted to.. I was extremely insecure when I was younger... I would cling to anyone who would give me some attention..

 

NOW.. this is a totally different ball game.. I can have casual sex... in fact, that all I've had for the last 7 years.. it's not hard at all...

 

I think that the fact that I'm older.. very confident, secure financially and emotionally... independant.. makes the difference. I don't take any crap from anyone... anymore...

 

I don't get attached unless I'm sure.. and even if I am very attracted to someone.. I am just very careful with my heart...

 

I think it's easy to do.. now..

[ella23]

Lots of women manage to separate love/emotions and sex, but many can't. I can't either.

[paddington bear]

I don't know how old you are.. (and not sure about young women these days).. but when I was much younger.. I couldn't have sex without falling head over heels for the guy... I also never slept with someone I wasn't already verrry attracted to.. I was extremely insecure when I was younger... I would cling to anyone who would give me some attention..

 

NOW.. this is a totally different ball game.. I can have casual sex... in fact, that all I've had for the last 7 years.. it's not hard at all...

 

I think that the fact that I'm older.. very confident, secure financially and emotionally... independant.. makes the difference. I don't take any crap from anyone... anymore...

 

I don't get attached unless I'm sure.. and even if I am very attracted to someone.. I am just very careful with my heart...

 

I think it's easy to do.. now..

 

Agreed, it's the getting older thing, but not just that, older and wiser. I still don't sleep around vastly, but on the odd occasion that I do I don't get emotionally attached now when they are unsuitable, whereas before sex with anyone at all was a minefield.

[greatgirlfriend]

I've had no strings attached sex. The important thing is for both to go in knowing that's what it is. The problem many women make is they think early sex=relationship. It often does not. Would I want a relationships like these now? Nope. I sowed my wild oats.

[carhill]

I understand the point you are making, but if I am in a LTR with someone, then I love them. That is already an emotion. So there wouldn't be any way that I could have sex with that person without any emotions involved.

I don't recall if you've been married or not, but, IME, such dynamics reach far beyond the very healthy and wonderful concept of love. Partnerships are also practical and pragmatic and we all have our own unique psychologies and perspectives we bring to those aspects of marriage and other committed LTR's. In your example, your ability to disconnect emotion from an act of sexual intimacy is one feature of that dynamic. It is a perspective unique to yourself, but interrelates to the perspective of your partner whom, if disclosed, goes into the LTR with the full knowledge and understanding of that ability. The partner then makes decisions based on how they feel about that and how it matches up with their own psychology.

 

As women (probably more often than men) on LS often say, it's about preferences. Women have theirs. Men have theirs. When they match up in a mutually compatible and loving environment, a hopefully satisfying and productive LTR results.

 

So, for example, I can say I prefer a woman who always and inevitably connects sex and emotional intimacy and sees sex as an expression of what they feel. Does that make women who do not operate that way psychologicially bad or wrong? As you so succinctly put it, hell no I have my preferences and points of compatibility, as do the women I approach and/or date, and their preferences and mine are equally valid. If I don't match up with their preferences or points of compatibility, I get 'nexted'. No harm, no foul. As someone who's been 'nexted' plenty over the decades, I can say with confidence that life does go on

[PJKino]

The time women do it is right after a bad break up of a long term relationship they go on a run of casual sex and one night stands

 

I know because these have been the only times ive been sucessful with women lol

[2sure]

The time women do it is right after a bad break up of a long term relationship they go on a run of casual sex and one night stands

 

I know because these have been the only times ive been sucessful with women lol

 

Thats one of the most endearing things Ive heard a guy say here.

Hey, its OK - always best to know where you stand, what works, etc.

[PJKino]

 

Thats one of the most endearing things Ive heard a guy say here.

Hey, its OK - always best to know where you stand, what works, etc.

 

Alcohol was mixed in also..

 

I fully realize no sober women in the right frame of mind is gonna be attrracted to me

[paddington bear]

Alcohol was mixed in also..

 

I fully realize no sober women in the right frame of mind is gonna be attrracted to me

 

don't say that. That's a horrible thing to say about yourself.

[PJKino]

don't say that. That's a horrible thing to say about yourself.

 

Well its been true so far

[Jersey Shortie]

A man can have sex, espeically when younger, with a woman he is not attracted to at all. If enough women like this let him, he would do it all the time.. Men even pay crack whores with no teeth for sex..

 

Why do guys often say things like "she let him do it". Implying that these guys have no responsiblity for their actions and it's all up to women to be a man's moral compass.

[neowulf]

From a biological perspective, there are physcial, chemical changes that occur within both sexes when sex is involved.

 

Those reactions vary in strength from person to person, but sex but its very nature causes "bonding" behaviour in humans.

 

I can't count the number of times I've seen a couple start off as "FWB" only to see it explode a few months later when they find out one of them has been sleeping with other people.

 

I think that "bonding" process varies in people. For some, the process is very powerful and immediate, requiring only a single coupling.

 

Others appear to be almost immune to it, able to sleep with who ever they like and almost compleletly seperate sex from emotion.

 

If you're finding that you very quickly develop "bonding" feelings with the people you sleep with, you may simply be wired that way.

 

Something to have a read of if your interested...

 

http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain

[neowulf]

Why do guys often say things like "she let him do it". Implying that these guys have no responsiblity for their actions and it's all up to women to be a man's moral compass.

 

Because it's a great way of shifting blame and avoiding responsiblity silly

 

All joking aside, it's a cop out I see used way too often.

[Jersey Shortie]

Well, glad I am not the only one to notice this trend!

[calizaggy]

Biologically men make millions of sperm a day to spread..

 

Women create 1 egg a month.

 

You do not see a difference in our biological make up?

 

So in my opinion, if a woman is reckless with that egg, she is not wired correctly upstairs, or she was a victim of abuse, neglect, etc.

 

Men are not wired to form the same bond a woman does after sex. Sorry, that's life.

[Trialbyfire]

So here's the question, is it possible for a woman to have sex (casual or occasional) without experiencing the emotional downer afterwards?

There appear to be women who are capable of compartmentalizing sex and bonding.

 

If so, how exactly can this be achieved?

I have no idea, since I can't and don't want to do it.

 

Has anyone on this board ever achieved this?

Yes, there are a number of women on LS, who are capable of this.

[Scottdmw]

I'm not sure that this is really a worthy goal to pursue.

 

I mean, I suppose if you intend to spend your whole life single and not have children that's one thing. But if you hope to someday get married and have children, are you sure that casual sex is getting you closer to that and not farther away? It seems to me like when people have sex they are supposed to bond emotionally. That's the way we are made. It helps people stay together in marriage.

 

I guess a person might learn to not do that. But, it also might just be a process of desensitization, where you are heartbroken so many times that you don't feel it anymore, and you can't really bond with anyone. That would be a problem if you ever met someone that you did want to get married to.

 

If you think marriage is not a very great thing, you might read some of the research:

 

". . . . marriage is the best way to overcome poverty, and it is proven as the best circumstance for raising children. Research overwhelmingly shows that lack of marriage or divorce impoverishes women and children. In addition, boys reared apart from their father are twice as more likely to spend time in prison by age 32 as those who were raised in a married home headed by their own mother and father. Teenage girls who are raised by their own father are much more likely to resist the advances of boys or young men who do not have their best interests at heart. In fact, 35 percent of adolescent girls whose father left before the age of six became pregnant, compared to just 5 percent of girls who were raised by their mother and father. Research also overwhelmingly makes the case that married folks live longer, enjoy better health, greater personal happiness, more well adjusted children, and greater financial stability. (All research references can be found at http://www.nationalmarriageweekUSA.org)”

 

 

Scott

[Woggle]

Women can if the man cares more about a relationship than they do. If the man truly wants only sex a woman's ego can't take it and they feel the need to make a man fall for them. Women want to chase after what they can't have.

[hoping2heal]

It's possible. It sucks, it's not fun, and it's not nice. I always thought having sex for the first time with someone I wasn't attatched too would be a GOOD thing- because I wouldn't get hurt. Well, I certainly never got hurt over the guy that's true but I got a whole other kind of hurt I wasn't expecting. Of course, in my case there were previous sexual abuse issues that hadn't been addressed or dealt with at the time - and the "sex" if you can call it that - happened X2..penetration I don't think was ever even as long as a minute and I wouldn't let him ejaculate either time. It also hurt like hell but the physical pain you get over. Knowing you did something so STUPID and IDIOTIC ..well I'm STILL not over that and come summer it will of been 2 years.

 

I wasn't ready to have sex let alone for the reasons I was having it, with someone who didn't even turn me on physically or mentally. I felt like the biggest pile of sh-it ever. At the time I thought that "afterward downer" was me being sad over an ex - now I realise that was just me being sad period because I made myself have sex I didn't want or wasn't ready too.

 

So anyhow yeah It is possible to have sex and not get attatched but you may end up getting hurt worse far more than you think and for a different reason if you don't wait to have it with someone you actually care about and is special to you and vice versa.