Holiday Planning with a Seperated Person

[2sure]

Wildsoul,

 

For some reason, even though you are OW and I a BS...I have come to like you personally. I think you are warm and smart and genuine.

So, I have not posted although in other threads I think you and I often concur.

 

For some reason, this thread makes me really sad for you. I think its because I am pretty sure of the end result. And it isnt good for anyone. I want to be supportive for you. But its like watching an accident.

 

Prepare yourself. Nothing in this life hurts more than having the rug completely pulled from beneath you. Any amount of preparedness is helpful.

 

This man is not going to be divorced from his wife unless it is she that initiates it. He may have left. OR she may have thrown him out. He may be "preparing" her or waiting for her to let him back. She either has no inkling you exist, and she is the one saying "maybe" for the holidays to him. OR she is somewhat aware you may exist and doesnt care so much as want to win this battle. The first thing any spouse thinks or asks when there is trouble...trouble so bad they are living in seperate houses....IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE? Certainly she has suspected, or at least had thoughts...for a long time now. For him to be not only still hiding you...but convincing her you do not exist....This is , well, very telling.

 

Maybe it is just me. I hope so for you.

But look - dont ever give anyone an ultimatum you may not be able to carry out. Not coming through on an ultimatum is an invitation for more of the same.

[jwi71]

What do you think about the other bit of common advice, which is that we teach others how to treat us? Don't you think it might be better to tell him ahead of time how I wish to be treated, instead of testing him to see if he blows it or not?

 

Tough question. The answers will be as varied and accurate as the number of posters. My first reaction is people know how to treat one another. Respect, common courtesy, honesty etc. I also see validity in what you are saying: that people in R's need to "learn" each other. Learn what the expectations are, the ground rules and so forth. And that requires talking. In a general sense, both are correct as I alluded to above. The problem is when you apply a "general" principal to a specific situation. Like here. Which path is correct? Talk or not? But you have already talked to him. You have made these wishes known. Once having made your wishes known, no more needs be said. All you can do is wait for him to choose.

 

I get the feeling that your approach is setting him up to fail.

Don't you dare blame anyone but him for his choices. I am not failing him - he is failing you (amonsgt others). And that is his choice.

 

Also, from some of your other posts, I can't tell if you support affairs evolving into committed relationships or if you take a bit of delight in watching them crash. Forgive me if I'm not perceiving you correctly. I've seen some VERY supportive posts from you, but then some that were a bit harsh towards the OP. Set me straight on where you're coming from.

Off topic, but you did ask and I don't mind. I do not support A at all. I am, I am sure you know, a BS. A fairly recent one at that (6/8/08 was my D day). I think you are right in that I projected some of my anger/pain as delight of WS and the OM/OW suffering. My shame. That goes against everything I believe in - and thats how deep an A cuts the BS. As time has passed and I have better perspective, the true me resurfaces. And I wish to alleviate suffering, not cause it.

 

I came here to learn about cheaters and their motivations. And maybe to spout some vitriol. However, with the passage of time and hard work, I began to learn. Less about cheaters and more about me. How can I support you wild in your pain knowing you are causing pain to innocent people? Fantastic question isn't it. No easy answer. What I can do, is try and ease your pain.

 

In sum...I do not support A. Yet the participants are humans with real emotions and tears. If I can help alleviate that pain, then I should. I cannot help the world, only the poster. Care to grow and learn with me?

[2sure]

It isn't so much that he hasnt told her, believe me at some point she has suspected and he has spent a great deal of effort convincing her otherwise.

[mytruelove]

i'm a huge fan of feeling messages. tell him exactly how you feel without trying to control the outcome. just be feminine and vulnerable and open.

 

i feel like you are in defense mode. i feel like your trying to manipulate and control the outcome of something before it even happens out of fear.

 

he has not told you that he is going to spend the holidays with her.

 

i am afraid that your reacting before this happens may make it a self-fulfilling prophecy again...it is like you already expect him to make the wrong move, don't trust that he loves you and don't have faith in him to do the right thing, but i totally understand you wanting him to know where you stand before he goes into it...BUT,

 

i look at it this way...IF he was going to choose to spend Christmas with her before your letter...then that is definitely something telling and something that i would want to know, as again his ACTIONS tell how he feels and you are better knowing this sooner than later.

 

i, personally would not send the letter for the simple fact that i would not want it to influence his decision. i would not want to think that he decided to spend the holidays with me just because of pressure i put on him. i would want him to spend the holidays with me because he wanted to, NOT because i forced him.

[wildsoul]

In sum...I do not support A. Yet the participants are humans with real emotions and tears. If I can help alleviate that pain, then I should. I cannot help the world, only the poster. Care to grow and learn with me?

(((jwi71))) That was a wonderful reply to my question.

 

I didn't realize you were a BS. That is painful, but beautiful to see you healing so strong.

 

I was a betrayed GF about a decade ago, and I remember how that brought me so much pain. Never did I think I'd find myself as an OW, and while part of me wants to minimize it because all along I was putting lines in the sand about my MM being separated, the truth is that I took part in betraying his spouse. I put a final foot down about that when I came here in July.

 

I appreciate very much that you are one of the BS here who don't spend a lot of time bashing OP for their past, but instead coach them on making better choices along the way. Given that many of us adults are going to be on one side of infidelity or the other at some point, it's invaluable that we can all help each other get through it in a positive way. Thank you!

[wildsoul]

(((everyone else who took time out of their day to respond)))

:love::love: Wow. Thank you from the depths of my heart. Each and everyone of your posts had a golden nugget, more than I can address individually. I intend to re-read the whole thread again.

 

Still obsessing over here *ugh* but I am at a momentary point of clarity--for today anyways.

 

1. I am not emailing him the letter. I'm not contacting him at all today.

 

2. I realized that it was enough for me to write the letter! I got clear on where my boundaries are.

 

3. As is my way, I sat with the letter in meditation. I actually printed it out and set a lit candle on it, praying that my message would be delivered to him through spirit. Then I sat and prayed for guidance, which came through pretty clearly, even though it's a bit tainted by my own fears I think. We'll know if my predictions are true or not later, but here is what I see:

 

I think his W is going to insist that they work on their M tonight.

I predict that he'll somewhat agree (vaguely) but not really agree.

She'll insist on him spending Thanksgiving.

I'll bet that he agrees.

 

He'll most likely come to me saying he can't get out of it, but try to weasle his way into a compromise by asking if he can come to the next day party we got invited to.

 

For my part, my guidance told me to be uncompromising. But it's not for the reason of proving his love for me, or to prevent me from having a bad holiday. My intuition tells me that if I am uncompromising AND so is his W, then she and I are going to blow this thing out of the water.

 

I've been praying for several days that the truth gets revealed here, and that if he's been having her and I both operate under different truths that it all gets cleared up.

 

My wish was that he take steps of telling her what he's been telling me, that he's not coming back. I figure I will know that he's not leading her on if he keeps his word about spending the holidays with me.

 

If he comes to me with a compromised offer of any kind, then I MUST assume he's giving her hope. And if he's giving her hope, while telling me there's no chance he's going back to here, then we are still not in the same truth.

 

The conflicting truths/stories/understandings in this triad need to be extracted like a rotten tooth. I had thought we had done that when he moved out, but that was just one level of it. There is a long ways to go, but if this gets busted up, things can only get better.

 

So I feel that I have a duty beyond my own self-interests to be uncompromising. In fact, I assert it will most likely be against my self-interests in the short term, because our R may very well end.

 

I don't feel very optimistic that he's going to somehow tell his wife no tonight. Committing to where he will spend Thanksgiving is a measurable action. So if he's been leading us on with word games or ommissions, his choice does seem to define the moment. *blech* I get the feeling that I'm going to get hurt tonight.

 

Will anyone who prays say a prayer for us? I'm praying that the highest truth be revealed for all of us, no more secrets or confusion, only healing and love as we all make forward progress.

[tft]

Can you explain when you think would have been the best time to have let him go earlier?

 

PS: I read your first thread here from 2007 and got SO much from it. Great replies from the board about what to expect after they leave!

 

I wish that the first time he got all wobbly and unsure, I'd said OK, up to you now, take some space to decide where you want to be (this was after 3 months when the grief hit). He'd never shown any outwards sign of grief either up until this point. I've now set myself up, as that first time I went out of my way to "prove" it was me he wanted. I made it all about him, as I couldn't cope with the thought of not being with him. It makes me cringe thinking how desperate I was. If i'd have let him go then, and he made his way back, there would be much less water and bitterness under our bridge.

 

WS, all I can say to you is what I've gleaned from the wonderful boards here at LS, you deserve nothing less than 100% from any man. MM included. Decide where your boundries are, and stick. Your posts exude strength.

 

Good luck xxxx

 

ps

 

I feel I was a distraction from his grief. He has always been okay when we spend time together, its when he's on his own he misses her. They have to be OK on their own, the same way we do. A lot of the advice we get given should be passed to the MM.

 

hugs x

[mytruelove]

i'm thinking about you tonight and most definitely saying a prayer for you. then i'm saying a prayer for all of us. i welcome prayers also because i need them too.

 

it sounds like you made a very wise choice and you sound very strong in it. it also sounds like you are being true to yourself.

 

it is amazing how we can act out of strength and reason when we take time to think and not give knee jerk reactions and let emotions calm before acting. we can also be at peace with ourselves that way.

 

i did have another thought about a way to approach this.

 

something along the lines of "i am really wanting to spend the holidays together and looking forward to it."

 

just real simple feeling message that would get the same point across as your letter but without all the words and without any attempt to control, ultimatum, or any sense of not expecting the best.

 

anyway, hoping and praying for the very best!!!

[GreenEyedLady]

WS:

 

Watch what he does. And if he doesn't deliver, then walk away. You don't need the waffling, the hurt, the heartache that comes with it.

 

We treat people the way we want to be treated by our reaction to what they do. If they treat us badly and we do nothing, we teach them to treat us as if we do not matter. When we refuse to be treated badly we teach them that we are secure in ourself and that what we feel, what we want and what we need matters.

 

Some men only learn when they "feel" the consequences. Don't be a soft place to fall. Be a good partner and don't go outside your boundaries. You risk losing who you are.

 

I am praying for strength for you. I am praying for the right outcome to happen. If he loves you, he needs to put you first, and stop putting HIMSELF first.

 

And since you have only been together a relatively short amount of time, reevaluate your R. Is the potential worth all this?

 

GEL

 

(((STRENGTH)))

[frannie]

WS, I hope you're OK and getting the answers that you need, and I realise I'm too late to the thread, but, fwiw:

 

i did have another thought about a way to approach this.

 

something along the lines of "i am really wanting to spend the holidays together and looking forward to it."

 

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Just to remind him of your needs and desires, plain and simple. It is not coersion or an attempt to control, it's giving him relevant information. Yes, some might argue that he 'knows this', but to me, it doesn't hurt to reiterate now and again. After all, I don't expect his W is failing to let him know how she feels about it all?

 

I think too often we OW are put in the position of keeping our needs under wraps and hoping the MM works it out or somehow miraculously delivers without us letting him get the full picture. I read it here all the time and I KNOW I'm 'guilty' of it myself.

 

So, as MTL said: just tell him how you feel and what you want, simply, and let him decide for himself what to do on that basis.

[Shannon2008]

I've been throught the whole "waiting to file" thing...It never got done. Be very skeptical. If a man wants to divorce...he does it. He's being a bit flaky right now even considering spending the holidays with her. If he does, take that as a serious warning that he's about to reconcile with her....despite his WORDS. Look at his actions.

[wildsoul]

My guy called me last night, with an upbeat voice and a bunch of chatter about his day before he announced that he and his W postponed their meeting until Sunday.

 

Sheesh. I'd been all worked up over this, and it was almost annoying that he'd had a good day, and now my uncertainty window got stretched out. He told me that he wants to spend Fri afternoon - Sunday morning with me. I had mixed feelings going on, but think it's probably good if he sees her after we've had a nice weekend together.

 

He brought up the holiday again saying "she and I haven't talked about t-day yet, but we will on sunday." Then he said he wants to spend it with my family, then go back to my place and join in on the next-day plans w/ my friends too. He affirmed how he would love nothing better than to be there for me, but that it's also where his heart is now. He said he wouldn't feel good being away from me at his ex's family home. So that part was good; he wasn't immediately offering a split day.

 

In retrospect, we should have dropped it at that. I can't remember what was said that made it continue, but I think it was something about how he still needs to talk to her. I reminded him that he had already passed the first big holiday test, which was not going home for his 50th bday in Sept. He'd almost forgotten that part of that was he said he wanted to prep her for not spending the autumn holidays.

 

Then I said something that got him annoyed. I said that after 2.5 months of S, most people don't go back and spend the holidays w/ the ex, especially not when they already have a bf/gf. Oye. That launched a game of semantics and lecturing from him that sounded like he was defending the point. I then tried to turn the talk back to US, by saying "ok then, how about you and me? I'm not really okay with that. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? What if I wanted to spend the holidays with my xH? I can't believe you'd be okay with that." He tried to say I wasn't on-topic anymore, was verbal fencing with me, it was non-sense.

 

We wrapped up the discussion with him saying how his W is a good person, that he doesn't want to hurt her, and that he would like to remain friends with her forever. I explained that I don't want to hurt her either, which is why I keep saying that I refuse to be in anything that seems like an A anymore. We all need to be operating under the same truth, and I don't think we are yet. I want him to move it forward so it's clear. He hotly stated that he is not going to let me control the pace of his D. He says his W is needy and still barely employed, and that he doesn't want to push faster than he is. We wrapped up the call, both a little annoyed I think, but politely.

 

This is so freaking DRAINING! I find these ambiguities really unsettling, which is why I keep pushing for more obvious resolution. I need clarity so I can settle in. When things are secure between us, we get along SO well. Today, I'm feeling irksome and like taking a step back, which is probably a sign of a healthy boundary. Drama-overload.

[frannie]

So now you have to play the 'good, fun, girlfriend' all weekend so that when he has the conversation on Sunday (assuming it's not delayed again), he'll 'make the right choice'?

 

I want to know why he's getting angry. It's obvious why you're frustrated, and it's understandable, but why's he getting angry with you? And all that 'verbal fencing and nonsense' is just to disguise the fact he's not being straight with you. He's not making sense because he's not being honest.

 

I'd be turning down a weekend of walking on eggshells, and see how he likes that.

[Owl]

Agreed.

 

You're still "fighting for him".

 

You haven't "won him" yet.

 

He's still trying to appease BOTH of the women in his life, so that BOTH of them continue to meet the emotional needs that they're meeting today.

 

He's still cake-eating.

 

And the only thing that will change that is when SOMEONE (you, or his wife) FORCES a change in the situation.

 

Until then, you're going to have to continue to "compete" with his wife in the fashion you've described about this weekend. You'll have to "give him a great weekend" so that he WANTS to "have the discussion" with her.

 

See what I'm talking about?

[jwi71]

The difference between pain and suffering.

There was a man, sentenced to hard labor. He was to turn a heavy wheel whose axle ran through a wall. He had no idea what was on the other side of this wall. So day in and day out for 25 years he turned that wheel. Each day, got up and pushed his unbearably heavy wheel - so heavy most would die. Each day he imagined what he was doing. Turning a generator powering people's homes? Grinding grain to feed the poor. Turning a conveyor belt making toys? He kept turning.

 

On his last day, his jailer opened a door and the now old man looked through. Nothing.

 

He saw nothing. He accomplished nothing. All the pain and all the work for nothing.

 

He died on the spot.

 

And that is the difference between pain and suffering. Pain has a purpose. Suffering, is pain without purpose. We all can endure pain. No one can suffer.

 

I am so sorry to see you suffer.

[wildsoul]

So now you have to play the 'good, fun, girlfriend' all weekend so that when he has the conversation on Sunday (assuming it's not delayed again), he'll 'make the right choice'?

 

I want to know why he's getting angry. It's obvious why you're frustrated, and it's understandable, but why's he getting angry with you? And all that 'verbal fencing and nonsense' is just to disguise the fact he's not being straight with you. He's not making sense because he's not being honest.

 

I'd be turning down a weekend of walking on eggshells, and see how he likes that.

Correct on all counts!

 

And for the record, I still don't feel optimistic that he will come back from that meeting with her and announce that he's spending Thurs/Fri with me.

 

In this moment, I'm still thinking about cancelling on him for tonite. It's not that I feel like I have to prove myself or walk on eggshells this weekend. My comment about having a good weekend being helpful was more about the fact that we usually DO have a great weekend, and I was trying to find the positive in the delay (because I'm also irked by it.)

 

Right now, feel like I want some space and to get him out of my head. I'm going to see how I feel over the rest of the day. I have no problem cancelling if I still feel this way. I'll choose whatever feels better to me.

[SerenityX2]

Wild ...thanks for the clarification on my prev. post.

 

You should be irked. You're expected to tiptoe to keep the peace, that's a pattern that seems to be ingrained in him.

 

It's really disconcerting that he keeps this loophole instead of coming out and saying to you, I'm spending T day with you and that's that, no matter what she says. I'm lost why there needs to be this *meeting*. But it's really telling that he is leaving a loophole.

 

On one hand he's making you feel all grand and loved that he *wants* to spend all the holidays with you....that's what makes it seem suspicious that he needs to still *meet* with her and why it's a high probability that he is covering all bases by having you convinced his heart is with you....but damn, he just can't follow through *right now* b/c he doesn't want to hurt her....so he just may come to you with the "sorry, but I can't get out of spending some time with her, she's too distraught etc..."

 

He's a narcissitic fool if he thinks that she would want to be friends *if* she knew the real truth...and that's the shame of this, he won't be upfront with her under the guise that it's kind.

 

Wild, I take no delight in other's pain...none, I like JW just want to help....you deserve SO SO SO much more. Please see that.

 

You are a great and strong woman don't let him dim your light.

[2sunny]

while you're at it - take control back! cancel on the whole weekend... and for that matter t-day too!

 

seems you only got any movement from him when you made him a little bit uneasy about your future - tell him he no longer needs to make a choice for the holidays... you can find some friends to be happy with.

[wildsoul]

[The quote box feature is being wonky since I tried to multiquote, so I'm giving up on it. I can't figure out how to use that feature.]

Serenityx2 wrote: "On one hand he's making you feel all grand and loved that he *wants* to spend all the holidays with you....that's what makes it seem suspicious that he needs to still *meet* with her and why it's a high probability that he is covering all bases by having you convinced his heart is with you....but damn, he just can't follow through *right now* b/c he doesn't want to hurt her....so he just may come to you with the "sorry, but I can't get out of spending some time with her, she's too distraught etc..."

 

 

No joke, sister! I've been thinking, "What does she have to do to win? Cry? Get mad? Make him feel guilty?" Despite what he says, he's giving her veto power. Also it's not lost on me that she has 16 years of knowing exactly how to work him. Bottom line, it's as you said, the fact that there is even a loophole is a problem. It's why I think this battle has already been decided and I'm not optimistic. BTW, I'm also irked because it's setting up a competition between me and her--one that I know about, but I don't think SHE does. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel competitive towards her. I'm mad at him for setting up this dynamic that pits her feelings/wishes against mine.

 

Serenityx2 wrote: "He's a narcissitic fool if he thinks that she would want to be friends *if* she knew the real truth...and that's the shame of this, he won't be upfront with her under the guise that it's kind."

 

This drives me crazy! He seems to actually believe that he's doing her a gallant favor, but his "not wanting to hurt her," is by hiding the truth. I have to admit that you've touched on a big issue here.

 

You see, when I broke up w/ him it was because he said he was moving back home from his room rental. That put us back into an A, so I terminated it. We reconciled only after he signed a lease on a 1 bedroom apartment, and agreed "no more affair."

 

He promised me we would be a legitimate dating couple. Wanting to hide the fact that we'd been dating all along (and she does know of me, but I don't know exactly what) he asked for some time before telling her. It's been 2.5 months since he moved out. That feels very prudent. IMHO, she should now he is seriously dating and that he's not going back (telling her what he tells me.) But he keeps acting like he's protecting her from the truth because she will fall apart.

 

Even if that were a little bit true, he'd just be enabling her to stay stuck. I can somewhat understand wanting to have a cooling-off period before announcing he is serious about someone else. But I'm feeling my meter running out of time on that now. It's feeling too much like we are STILL an affair. I'm getting steamed because I had taken a stand for my integrity on this, and his playing both sides of the fence is involving me.

 

I have the feeling that I'm going to be forced to break up with him again. Tick-tock. He wants to control the pace? To some extent I need to grant him that, but if he's involving me in deceiving her then that crosses my bottom-line boundary again.

 

My secret wish is that she contacts me. He told me that once he went into her office and had a copy of my biz website printed out on her desk. He asked and she said that a friend of hers was thinking of hiring me. Tecnically, that is possible because I'm known in my field, but improbable. I also noticed a bunch of related clicks on all my blog logs, so I think she was checking on me. If she wants to reach me, she can easily get my contact info. I have her email because he forwarded something to me once and I saved it, but I'm not going to contact her. Yet I'd welcome a call from her. "In theory" I am not cheating with her H. I've got no problem being honest about the past. I sure as hell would love to hear what he's telling her right now.

[wildsoul]

while you're at it - take control back! cancel on the whole weekend... and for that matter t-day too!

 

seems you only got any movement from him when you made him a little bit uneasy about your future - tell him he no longer needs to make a choice for the holidays... you can find some friends to be happy with.

I have already got back up plans in place.

 

1. No matter what he says, I'm not going to tell my family that he's coming for sure until the last minute. This is to save myself from embarrassment.

 

2. I told a close friend what was going on (because I'm not going to hide this stupidity from my friends) and she invited me to spend the night at her house after my family dinner. So in case I'm sad/upset about him not attending, I won't have to go home to an empty house that night.

 

3. That same friend invited me to do something really fun the next day. She told me that he is welcome to come, and that she won't judge him or me if he pulls through. But also if he doesn't come, I've got plans with reliable friends who love me.

 

Tempting as it is to cut the potential pain off at the pass, I really do want/need to see what he does next. So preemptively telling him I'm making plans w/o him won't serve that end, even if it means I'm in an anxious place of having to wait.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Something about all of this doesn't make sense.

 

• He's separated from her because he wants to be.
  
• 
  
• He's dating you on weekends because he wants to.
  
• 
  
• He becomes difficult when someone doesn't play along, even when he doesn't make sense. You can bet that this is ingrained, he uses it with everyone not just you.
  
• 
  
• He chose an apartment that is one hour away from you and one hour away from her.
  
• 
  
• It has been stated by other posters that no one wants to spend holidays with someone they don't even want to live with.
  
• 
  
• He tells you he wants to spend TD with you but not that he is going to. (this is also a man who is not willing to be controlled)
  
• 
  
• He keeps avoiding making a commitment.
  
• 
  
• His wife keeps your R in check. You in check. Is always the excuse for his mood, time, ect....
  

 

 

Are you quite sure that there are not other women in this triangle?

[2sunny]

"waiting" to see what he decides is not taking your control back. it looks more like being tossed around in the ocean with the waves. he's the current and you are subjected to his schedule - floundering...

 

if you put your foot down - it will show him that you respect yourself and that you have the power to make good choices for your future - whether or not that includes him.

 

his little ploy is just a pathetic attempt to see how much crap you are willing to allow. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW! it's bound to get worse if you don't.

 

tell him - NO weekend and NO Turkey Day! then you will feel empowered! will you be sad? yep, but he will have some of the pain that he seems to be dumping on you.

[wildsoul]

"waiting" to see what he decides is not taking your control back. it looks more like being tossed around in the ocean with the waves. he's the current and you are subjected to his schedule - floundering...

 

if you put your foot down - it will show him that you respect yourself and that you have the power to make good choices for your future - whether or not that includes him.

 

his little ploy is just a pathetic attempt to see how much crap you are willing to allow. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW! it's bound to get worse if you don't.

 

tell him - NO weekend and NO Turkey Day! then you will feel empowered! will you be sad? yep, but he will have some of the pain that he seems to be dumping on you.

You don't quite understand. I'm not passively waiting. I need to see what his actions are so I can evaluate.

 

In a previous post, I already got clear that he needs to commit to spending the day with me. My strong hunch is that he will offer to split the day or weasle his way into the next day activities as a "compromise." I'm preparing myself to tell him no compromises. There's a chance he will surprise me, as there have been many times where I have negative expectation, but this situation looks grim. It shouldn't have even been up for discussion.

 

I'm still really pissed today. This stinks.

[jwi71]

You don't quite understand. I'm not passively waiting. I need to see what his actions are so I can evaluate.

 

In a previous post, I already got clear that he needs to commit to spending the day with me. My strong hunch is that he will offer to split the day or weasle his way into the next day activities as a "compromise." I'm preparing myself to tell him no compromises. There's a chance he will surprise me, as there have been many times where I have negative expectation, but this situation looks grim. It shouldn't have even been up for discussion.

 

I'm still really pissed today. This stinks.

 

 

Wild, you are waiting. Have you 100% irrevocably committed to your friends offer? No?

 

Then you are waiting. Waiting for him to choose you. And in this waiting you surrender control of your life to him.

 

Please stop. Call your friends and say "yes". That's control.

[wildsoul]

Wild, you are waiting. Have you 100% irrevocably committed to your friends offer? No?

I've already said yes. My plans are locked in. When I said 'back up' plan, it was just about having the option to bring him w/ me or not as I see fit.

 

Please everyone, stop making me wrong for waiting to hear what he is going to do. It feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Yesterday, you were telling me not to send the letter and to wait and see what his actions are. I'm DOING that. Now you're making me wrong for following your advice. I know you're trying to help, but I don't feel good today as it is. So go easy on me. As it is, I'm trying to prepare for the fact that I'm probably going to have to put the R on hold.