Holiday Planning with a Seperated Person

[norajane]

I think you've already been clear with him, and he'd have to be dumber than a box of rocks to think, after all that's happened, that it would be okey dokey for him to split his time with both of you.

 

I don't think you need to say anything further. If he decides to split his time, or even if he proposes that to get your opinion, that shows he is not yet committed to a course of action - leaving his wife. If that's the case, I'd leave him until such time as he maybe gets his head out of his ass and jumps off the fence.

 

I want to be wanted by my guy. If he's still deciding, he can do it on his own time, and on his own, without me.

 

You're not auditioning for first place in his heart.

[mytruelove]

this is my vote ..."just wait and see what he wants to do naturally?"

• I want him to choose to be with me because he wants to, not because he feels like I'm going to leave him. The latter feels like a shallow victory to me. - you said it all right here....
  

again i say, men are all about actions, not emotions, not words - give him a chance to prove himself to you hon. give him a chance to make his move.

 

like my guy said "i know exactly how you feel. you've told me 100 times. i don't need to hear it 101"....so i left it alone.. his next ACTION... he broke up with her.

 

him and i have discussed the whole "action" verses "verbalizing/emotion thing" and he is grateful that i understand this and don't pressure him.

 

i know your scared he'll make the wrong move (you can mentally prepare yourself for this if it helps), but if you express this to him..it shows lack of faith and trust in him and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. if you express complete trust and respect and faith in his ability to do the right thing...if he loves you ...he will not want to let you down.

 

prepare for the worst... BUT expect the best.

[2sunny]

the fact that he is still even "considering" spending time with her for the holidays sends the message that you are clearly not his priority the way he has lead you to believe.

 

this guy is telling you one thing and doing another with her.

 

she still understands that he is connected, committed and tied to her, thus the reason for her asking.

 

he may have moved to his own place - but he still allows her to believe that he is still committed to her.

 

you are the side dish.

 

step away until his divorce is FINAL! that will save you the heartache he intends to deliver to you between now and then. to share in his misery of a divorce while he goes through this is very painful.

 

THEN, when he is divorced - you can both start with a fresh and happy mind for the future.

 

good luck... this is not easy - but the boundaries must be clear to keep your sanity. think long haul - not short term.

[whichwayisup]

prepare for the worst... BUT expect the best.

 

No, expecting the best is what the problem is and with that comes disappointment and heartache. UNTIL HE IS ACTUALLY DIVORCED - Expectations should disappear because it's obvious he can't make any real decision 100% for sure either way.

 

Prepare for the worst, expect nothing, that way you won't be so disappointed.

 

There will be many Thanksgivings in the future, IF he actually leaves for good and D's.

[SerenityX2]

Why not? He wants her to get her hopes up, to spend the holidays pining for him, uncertain where she stands and whether he's coming back? I think that's just cruel. If he's decided he wants out, why not be upfront and tell her, and get moving on it so that she can move on with her life too, instead of leaving her hanging on by a shred of hope during what seems to be (from what you've said) emotionally significant times for her / them. If someone played me like that, I'd go ballistic!

 

ITA 100 pct with this. And also with JW71 about this will be far worse to overcome if she realizes that the past few mos are a sham. If it's over, it's over...dragging it out is wussy not kind.

 

BTW I don't want to turn this into a religious thing either...but you didn't correct the post that assumes she's Catholic. If she is, there are actually quite a few reasons that are acceptable for a Catholic to divorce, adultery is the biggie....but so is the fact they don't have children, not to mention the marraige can be annuled on basis of not meeting the Catholic tenents in general. (basically the spirit of the contract)

 

If she is, don't let him snow you with it's "forbidden" ....that's bull, actually hubby and I found out our previous marriages weren't "right" on many fronts....annulments were easy for us, not just under the adultery that was done, but others as well.

 

I wish you the best.

[hollywood3453]

Can someone please help me out. I'm going through some similiar situation and although I can relate please just look over my post.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[wildsoul]

...but you didn't correct the post that assumes she's Catholic.

She's not Catholic, but is another Orthodox kind of religion. I'll leave it at that. Even if her church sanctions D in some way, and I guess most do in some cases, then A) it's still a big shame for her and B) I don't think MM is going to confess our affair. LOL...HE is Catholic, but not what I would describe as spiritual or a believer in any way. I think his W actually believes in her religion though.

[wildsoul]

Can someone please help me out. I'm going through some similiar situation and although I can relate please just look over my post.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

I seached and found your post in the separation/divorce section. I'm keen to read it as the headline sure does sound like my situation too!

 

Since you are the other woman in a sense, even though he is seperated not an affair, you might do well to post in this forum here. It's a group that understands these triangulated relationships. Well, not always "understanding" but you'd definely be on-topic here.

[Mino]

• I want him to choose to be with me because he wants to, not because he feels like I'm going to leave him. The latter feels like a shallow victory to me.
  
• My guess is that if I don't intervene in any way, he will probably present a scenario where he splits the day between us.
  
• If he chooses to spend all or part of the day with her, I am going to feel disappointed and betrayed. It will cause me to reevaluate the R, and quite probably factor into me breaking up with him again now or in the near future. My heart breaks to think of it.
  
• I don't know if it's better to give him this information so he can factor my strong feelings into the equation, or better to let him reveal his true desire and make my decision on that later.
  

WS,

 

 

If you were dating a single man instead of a separated one, right now you would be making plans for the holidays... TOGETHER... with all of the excitement that the planning entails. You have stated that you feel like since you have chosen a now separated man then you'll just have to work with that situation. How fair is that for you to be worrying about how to broach the subject of your expectations instead of enjoying planning special days for the two of you?

 

HE knows that you want to spend the holidays with him, you have made that clear. IME you are right that he will try to split the day between you if it is left up to him. I've been looking at some posts of other OW with SM (ie Mino) and it seems that there is never a defining moment when the R becomes about them as a couple. The OW has been asked to understand for so long that it seems she always has to make excuses (to herself, not others) about why its not a good time for her needs to be put first. If she does, then to the SM she is no longer supporting him (pretending to be OK when her feelings aren't being met). There isn't one bone in my body that believe that YOU would accept so little for a single man.

 

 

A freind of mine is fond of saying that... you teach people how to love you. Are you not teaching him that you are OK putting his needs first in this R, even when they oppose your own? With that dynamic in place, do you believe there will be a day when it ends?

I guess your right on that one..Just came home from IC that was what we talked about today..Setting boundries..T actually said I should step back completely, focus on my needs, allow him to go through his grieving, ajusting by himself, and allow the R as is to die..This really hurt to hear, since I have tried everything through this rough time to support him..but also creating bad habits along the way for him..The T said in order to ever have a healthy R think of this as a season... its winter... allow this to die off, grieve..the seeds will drop, rest, and the spring shall come... one way or another. If he comes back later... You start new, with a healthly foundation, So he is saying nc for now... Hurts to hear this , but I think its the only option

[wildsoul]

I..The T said in order to ever have a healthy R think of this as a season... its winter... allow this to die off, grieve..the seeds will drop, rest, and the spring shall come... one way or another. If he comes back later... You start new, with a healthly foundation...

(((Mino))) I'm sorry for your your ouchies right now. Try to remember that winter is only a quarter of the year.

 

Also, thanks for sharing what your T said. It echoes what I've been thinking--that it's possible my guy is going into his mourning phase. All along, I've mentioned it, but he denies saying that he already grieved. Being that I know a bit about emotional processing, quite a bit actually, I've predicted that his big grief is still ahead of him. I think he is just beginning to feel the first wave of it now. Given that your timing with your guy is ahead of me, that makes perfect sense too.

 

Again, thank you sister. Thank you!

Let me know how I can support you, too.

[Mino]

(((Mino))) I'm sorry for your your ouchies right now. Try to remember that winter is only a quarter of the year.

 

Also, thanks for sharing what your T said. It echoes what I've been thinking--that it's possible my guy is going into his mourning phase. All along, I've mentioned it, but he denies saying that he already grieved. Being that I know a bit about emotional processing, quite a bit actually, I've predicted that his big grief is still ahead of him. I think he is just beginning to feel the first wave of it now. Given that your timing with your guy is ahead of me, that makes perfect sense too.

 

Again, thank you sister. Thank you!

Let me know how I can support you, too.

Thank you wildsoul. I know he is right. I know in my heart we will be together.... I have always known this. But I want this now!!! You know....? My guy is emotional because of his child...But i also see alot of strength in him.. Sure its been very s l o w....( his progress ) but I know what is in his heart... There are some other issues I cannot mention on the board that makes HIS progress even slower then most. But I see his baby steps.. but like the other poster mentioned above, I am guilty of not meeting my needs. Therefore teaching my sm its ok to take me up and down. I need to learn setting these boundries, Now the hard part...allowing myself to pull back, without the guilt of not supporting him...and have faith in the love..that eventually he will move to a different stage in his process., and hopefully he will find his way back to me when he is healthly and ready...I choose as of today not to be pulled up and down any longer... I will only accept him in my life when he is able to give as much as I give... because I deserve nothing less. Thank you for your support, wild soul.. that was sweet to mention that winter really isnt that long..

[tft]

Hi WS and Mino. I've been following your stories, as they are very similar to my own.

 

I know what you are going through, I have just ended my relationship with SMM after 8 months. He eventually told me his reluctance to tell his friends and family, spend the holidays etc with me was because he wasn't ready to commit to me. When he first moved here to be with me, everything was wonderful. He was seeing a lot of her, but it was always me he came home to. It was wonderful. 3 months in, his grieving process started. And it was awful. I know the ups and downs you speak of Mino. It took me 5 months to say, enough is enough, I want from him the love and commitment I am giving.

 

I'm 5 days in. I know he was at his old home last night. Flip flopping between the 2 of us (although she is seeing someone else whom she appears to be quite happy with).

 

Its hard, especially as I work with him. But for the best. I wish I had let him go earlier. Will he come back-who knows. A large part of me hopes so. But its all about me now. A relationship can only work if both parties want it.

 

Good luck to you both, I hope everything works out OK for you.

 

hugs xxx

[wildsoul]

I know what you are going through, I have just ended my relationship with SMM after 8 months. He eventually told me his reluctance to tell his friends and family, spend the holidays etc with me was because he wasn't ready to commit to me. When he first moved here to be with me, everything was wonderful. He was seeing a lot of her, but it was always me he came home to. It was wonderful. 3 months in, his grieving process started. And it was awful. I know the ups and downs you speak of Mino. It took me 5 months to say, enough is enough, I want from him the love and commitment I am giving.

 

I'm 5 days in...

Ooohhh...only 5 days in. Although you sounds so clear and resolute, you must still be in the thick of it. (((hugs)))

 

You and Mino are helping to prepare me. At different points along the way, I've noted that my guy is going to have to hit his grief eventually. But in the time we've been together, not once has he shown any evidence of mourning his marriage. He's said many things about not wanting to hurt his W, and he's mentioned that losing his position in her family circle is going to be a big deal, but I haven't seen the grief or angst over his decision yet.

 

The only times I saw him hurting were when I broke up with him and he was an emotional trainwreck. But I left in a very demonstrative, "it's over" kind of way. That forced him into pain.

 

You're making me think that the holidays are going to be harder for him than HE thought. Oh, but this is making more and more sense. He is going to want to defer/mitigate that pain by trying to make plans with both of us. When he promised to spend the holidays with me, it was back when he was in terrible pain from our breakup. If he was smarter about this, he should have been using the last 2.5 months of being seperated to start his grieving. But he's been delaying cutting things off clearly with her. Now that the holidays are here, she wants him to step back up. He's in a double bind. If he chooses me, he will experience the deferred pain of losing his marriage & inlaws. If he chooses her, he must know that he risks losing me again over not keeping his word.

 

I'm getting lots of insight right now...

 

Although I think he intended well, he was probably just hoping it would all resolve itself by now.

 

Really, he should have started letting go of his W and beginning to grieve already, but he was avoiding that pain.

 

All along, I've debated as to how much my being there for him could serve as a distration. He's spent all his time with me, enjoying the thrill and romance of the new "us," but not dealing with his grief.

 

This was entirely predictable. I'm a bit irked because I think he set this up by not severing things with his W more than he has by now. I've also seen it coming, but the part about disengaging from his marriage is really HIS emotional business, not mine. But I also accepted the known risk of choosing someone who is still in his process. *sigh*

 

Thank you Mino and tft for turning the lightswitch on. I'm on the same path as you. The probablity is that I may have to do a time-out with him too. At this point, guaging how well he navigated the last couple of pre-holiday months, I'm not optimistic that he is conscious enough to move through the rest of this swiftly. It's very likely I'll be in your shoes soon. Thank you for shining a flashlight down the path for me.

 

I don't know exactly where my boundaries are yet in that I don't want his emotional process to dominate my life. As it is this week, I'm obsessing over him too much. Seems that to date a SM or MM requires a titanium backbone and nerves of steel. In theory, I understand that the solution is to focus on MY life and adopt a more casual attitude towards the R. I shouldn't let my sense of self-worth be affected. I shouldn't become overly invested in the not-completely-available partner and worry for the loss of him. It seems that is the only way to stay IN the relationship, for when it becomes too much, then a girl must take a time-out or end it. Easier said than done!

[wildsoul]

I wish I had let him go earlier.

Can you explain when you think would have been the best time to have let him go earlier?

 

PS: I read your first thread here from 2007 and got SO much from it. Great replies from the board about what to expect after they leave!

[wildsoul]

My guy is meeting with his W tonight to discuss Thanksgiving. I'm still a little torn on whether it's better to tell him even more clearly about how I feel, or if I should just wait and see what he does.

 

My reason for sending it would be that if he was swayed by my words, he could then go into his meeting with her, prepared to tell her that he won't be spending the holiday with her.

 

Conversely, if I don't send it, I'm thinking he will probably go into the meeting with an offer of spending half the day with them. Then he will come back to me with that same offer. In that case, he probably wouldn't go back to her and cancel altogether (which is the outcome I want.)

 

I have not sent this yet! Please tell me what changes you would make, or if you think I shouldn't send it at all.

 

***

Dear __

 

I've been thinking about how you seem undecided as to who you want to spend Thanksgiving with. I've torn between wanting to take a step back and let you choose on your own, and telling you my feelings about it. Not knowing how to navigate this, I'm going to try to do both.

 

I was surprised to hear that you were even considering spending the holidays with your soon to be ex wife. You've told me all along that this was not a trial separation, but rather a time for your ex to adjust to the idea that you're not coming back, before you do the 2nd wave of filing papers. That seems very reasonable to me. You've already passed the first big holiday (your 50th bday) without spending it with her. It's been 2.5 months of separation. Again, a very prudent amount if time for it to be clear that you are "not going back" (as you describe it to me.)

 

Although surprised, I do understand this might be harder than you expected it to be. It makes sense to me that you might have unexpected feelings of grief arriving. All along I've gently said as much. We've been having such a good time, and while that helps your transition, I don't think it's possible that you did all your grieving before leaving as you said. There will be more grief as you continue to undo things.

 

I asked how I could support you, and you gave me great clear answer: be my fun girlfriend, love me, take me out to parties and build our new life together. Wonderful! That's a great job! I can do that and I will.

 

Here is what I need in order to be that fun sexy girlfriend that you want to spend the holidays with: stay true to the 3 main points that we agreed to when we reconciled.

 

Be officially separated. You promised me that this was not a "trial separation," and that you were not presenting it as such to your wife. Perhaps she is still in denial, maybe communication for you two is hard, but I need you to be clear and unwavering with her about this as you are with me. We all should be operating under the same truth.

 

We are dating in the open (no longer an affair.) I absolutely refuse to be a party to deceiving your wife, more than the confusing crimes of the past. Time and time again, you've said what a lovely person she is and how you don't want to hurt her. Neither do I. Similarly, I am a good woman and refuse to be hidden by the man who claims to love me as a soulmate. You've been officially seperated for 2.5 months, a polite waiting period. At this point, our circle of friends/family should be expanding to include yours as well as mine.

 

We will spend the holidays together. And yes, Thanksgiving IS part of the holidays. The first 2 points cover this, but it was important enough for me that I mentioned it specifically in September. I told you very clearly that I could not abide spending the holidays alone or with my friends/family, while you were away with your ex. What a sad and pathetic life for a mistress to lead, being abandoned by her lover, so he can give priority to another. You were SO clear about this not being something to fret over. Even if it's harder than you expected, I need you to make good on your promise to me.

 

In exchange for you keeping your agreements with me, I can give to you what I've promised too. I love you. I will try to be patient while you get your divorce. I will include you in my life. I will create new traditions with you. I will do everything I can to make your new life with me as fun and happy as can be, understanding that you may still have waves of sadness and letting go. I'm compassionate and giving by nature. You already know that is true.

 

So please honor the boundaries I need in order to be that girlfriend for you. Taking on half of your wife's pain, because you deferred being very clear with her about the separation is a half-measure that isn't fair to me. Does that make sense? Unless you and she are reconciling, then there is no reason at all why you would do more than make a phone call to her family on the holiday.

 

My friends and family are welcoming you. We've got 2 invitations for Thanksgiving dinner, an invitation to drive to the coast the next morning, have a holiday kick-off crab lunch, or go up to the mountains. You and I have been together almost a year now. This should be our first holiday and I want it to be wonderful and memorable.

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Please factor it into your decision before you speak with your ex tonight. I hope that goes really well for you.

 

***

Thoughts?

[jwi71]

My reason for sending it would be that if he was swayed by my words, he could then go into his meeting with her, prepared to tell her that he won't be spending the holiday with her.

 

Conversely, if I don't send it, I'm thinking he will probably go into the meeting with an offer of spending half the day with them. Then he will come back to me with that same offer. In that case, he probably wouldn't go back to her and cancel altogether (which is the outcome I want.)

 

 

DON'T YOU DARE SEND THIS LETTER.

 

Sit back and let him choose. Judge his actions and not his words. If you attempt to prejudice his choice you have tainted the result.

 

Would you want his presence knowing it was NOT his choice? Because that''s what's going on here wild. You send the letter to compel him to choose you. He will choose who and what he wants. It's his choice. If he wants to be with you and only he will choose so. If he receives the letter and alters his choice - then its a tainted victory. It will not dispel your doubts.

 

You have clearly articulated your position to him already. No need to say it again. It comes across as begging. Artful begging, but begging. Don't do it.

 

Sit back and see where his free will takes him.

[whichwayisup]

I know you don't want to hear this, but don't send it. He is going to do what he wants, reguardless.. You'd be better off having a face to face talk or a phone conversation about this, rather than send him that email.

 

Another thing, making all sorts of plans, building a future with him when he isn't even divorced yet, should be put on hold. Once he IS actually divorced, then move forward.

 

Less than a month ago or so you two were on the outs, he was treating you like crap, and the month before that, he threatened you, to the point you were freaked out and terrified of him.

 

This guy seems to not like to be pushed into anything, even if it's coming from a good place (your heart) and if you catch him in the wrong mood, all heck breaks loose, then you get upset and hurt.

[norajane]

My thoughts are that you are spending much more time thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning than he is. Does that really feel right to you?

[whichwayisup]

Wild, another thing, men don't like long notes. It's too long and it's all been said before. This will create drama and he'll back off, close up and it actually may push him in the opposite direction - Also, you may not like his response, if he replies back. I agree with everything jw has said..Again, don't send it..

[wildsoul]

DON'T YOU DARE SEND THIS LETTER.

 

If he receives the letter and alters his choice - then its a tainted victory. It will not dispel your doubts.

Thank you for responding!

 

Okay, so you're saying what I was saying previously about not wanting a "hollow victory." But I'm still not decided on whether to speak up or do nothing.

 

What do you think about the other bit of common advice, which is that we teach others how to treat us? Don't you think it might be better to tell him ahead of time how I wish to be treated, instead of testing him to see if he blows it or not?

 

I get the feeling that your approach is setting him up to fail. Also, from some of your other posts, I can't tell if you support affairs evolving into committed relationships or if you take a bit of delight in watching them crash. Forgive me if I'm not perceiving you correctly. I've seen some VERY supportive posts from you, but then some that were a bit harsh towards the OP. Set me straight on where you're coming from.

[wildsoul]

My thoughts are that you are spending much more time thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning than he is. Does that really feel right to you?

No kidding. I'm obsessing today and it's getting in the way of other tasks. Though I just realized that some of that might be hormonally driven.

[whichwayisup]

When in doubt, do nothing. Seriously. If you push this, he will get irked -HE knows what you feel, where you stand and what you want.

 

This all has to happen on his time frame, like it or not. You DO have a choice to either tell him you two are going to be distant from one another until he is officially divorced (which could help move things along quicker) or you can stay and not push, try to trust him at his word.

 

I just hope for your sake he IS actually planning on a D, and this isn't just a way of him keeping you in the A so later he can go back home to his wife.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What do you think about the other bit of common advice, which is that we teach others how to treat us?

 

WS, I believe that is done by your actions regarding acceptable behavior. What you put up with... not by an outline.

 

I agree to let him choose and learn from what he is telling you by his choices and his treatment of you.

 

Also, this is a letter that no lover should have to write.

 

Less than a month ago or so you two were on the outs, he was treating you like crap, and the month before that, he threatened you, to the point you were freaked out and terrified of him.

 

This guy seems to not like to be pushed into anything, even if it's coming from a good place (your heart) and if you catch him in the wrong mood, all heck breaks loose, then you get upset and hurt.

 

Which is why you have to choose your words so carefully and would prefer to send the note... HE has taught you how to love him. After the last misunderstanding it was YOU who admitted to not saying things in the right tone which possibly set him off. He has taught you by how to act by how he responds. I know there must be tons good that you see in this man, but do you ever see being able to disagree without fearing his response??? That's a control method and what scares me about him.

[Mino]

My guy is meeting with his W tonight to discuss Thanksgiving. I'm still a little torn on whether it's better to tell him even more clearly about how I feel, or if I should just wait and see what he does.

 

My reason for sending it would be that if he was swayed by my words, he could then go into his meeting with her, prepared to tell her that he won't be spending the holiday with her.

 

Conversely, if I don't send it, I'm thinking he will probably go into the meeting with an offer of spending half the day with them. Then he will come back to me with that same offer. In that case, he probably wouldn't go back to her and cancel altogether (which is the outcome I want.)

 

I have not sent this yet! Please tell me what changes you would make, or if you think I shouldn't send it at all.

 

***

Dear __

 

I've been thinking about how you seem undecided as to who you want to spend Thanksgiving with. I've torn between wanting to take a step back and let you choose on your own, and telling you my feelings about it. Not knowing how to navigate this, I'm going to try to do both.

 

I was surprised to hear that you were even considering spending the holidays with your soon to be ex wife. You've told me all along that this was not a trial separation, but rather a time for your ex to adjust to the idea that you're not coming back, before you do the 2nd wave of filing papers. That seems very reasonable to me. You've already passed the first big holiday (your 50th bday) without spending it with her. It's been 2.5 months of separation. Again, a very prudent amount if time for it to be clear that you are "not going back" (as you describe it to me.)

 

Although surprised, I do understand this might be harder than you expected it to be. It makes sense to me that you might have unexpected feelings of grief arriving. All along I've gently said as much. We've been having such a good time, and while that helps your transition, I don't think it's possible that you did all your grieving before leaving as you said. There will be more grief as you continue to undo things.

 

I asked how I could support you, and you gave me great clear answer: be my fun girlfriend, love me, take me out to parties and build our new life together. Wonderful! That's a great job! I can do that and I will.

 

Here is what I need in order to be that fun sexy girlfriend that you want to spend the holidays with: stay true to the 3 main points that we agreed to when we reconciled.

 

Be officially separated. You promised me that this was not a "trial separation," and that you were not presenting it as such to your wife. Perhaps she is still in denial, maybe communication for you two is hard, but I need you to be clear and unwavering with her about this as you are with me. We all should be operating under the same truth.

 

We are dating in the open (no longer an affair.) I absolutely refuse to be a party to deceiving your wife, more than the confusing crimes of the past. Time and time again, you've said what a lovely person she is and how you don't want to hurt her. Neither do I. Similarly, I am a good woman and refuse to be hidden by the man who claims to love me as a soulmate. You've been officially seperated for 2.5 months, a polite waiting period. At this point, our circle of friends/family should be expanding to include yours as well as mine.

 

We will spend the holidays together. And yes, Thanksgiving IS part of the holidays. The first 2 points cover this, but it was important enough for me that I mentioned it specifically in September. I told you very clearly that I could not abide spending the holidays alone or with my friends/family, while you were away with your ex. What a sad and pathetic life for a mistress to lead, being abandoned by her lover, so he can give priority to another. You were SO clear about this not being something to fret over. Even if it's harder than you expected, I need you to make good on your promise to me.

 

In exchange for you keeping your agreements with me, I can give to you what I've promised too. I love you. I will try to be patient while you get your divorce. I will include you in my life. I will create new traditions with you. I will do everything I can to make your new life with me as fun and happy as can be, understanding that you may still have waves of sadness and letting go. I'm compassionate and giving by nature. You already know that is true.

 

So please honor the boundaries I need in order to be that girlfriend for you. Taking on half of your wife's pain, because you deferred being very clear with her about the separation is a half-measure that isn't fair to me. Does that make sense? Unless you and she are reconciling, then there is no reason at all why you would do more than make a phone call to her family on the holiday.

 

My friends and family are welcoming you. We've got 2 invitations for Thanksgiving dinner, an invitation to drive to the coast the next morning, have a holiday kick-off crab lunch, or go up to the mountains. You and I have been together almost a year now. This should be our first holiday and I want it to be wonderful and memorable.

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Please factor it into your decision before you speak with your ex tonight. I hope that goes really well for you.

 

***

Thoughts?

I love it:)

[Awakening]

Wildsoul, your story breaks my heart. I will post mine when I have time but it's very similar to yours.

 

From reading your posts I see that you continue to try to control the situation. I did the same type of things that you are doing. In the end it will not matter - this man will make the decision that HE needs to make for HIM and he hasn't made it yet.

 

The relationship with his wife is far from over. Like others have said before me, there is no reason for him to even be thinking about spending Thanksgiving with her if he has truly decided to move on.

 

I'm sorry if I sound callous and uncaring but this is how I see it. I wish I had discovered this forum 4 years ago so I could have listened to some "tough love" from these very wise people.

 

I wish nothing but the best for you, whatever that may be.