OW anger vs MM anger

[Kasan]

I really don't think you want me to answer that, do you?

 

I'm not saying being the OP is as extreme, but both display antisocial, destructive behaviour. Have you ever had to deal with children who's lives have been tainted by infidelity?

 

Until you have, maybe you should just think about how harmful it is to innocent children.

 

People should grow up and stop being so damn selfish. If I have to hear "you can't help who you fall in love with" one more time I think I'll puke. You can help it if you're not a selfish, immature child.

 

Exactly why are you here? Do you honestly think that your brand of tough love is accomplishing anything? Quite frankly, I find your posts tiresome and non productive, hence why I don't often post in these threads.

 

How is your anger helping or supporting the posters who come to the OW threads?

 

I believe that people make stupid choices all the time (and cheating is a choice) and should be held accountable, but I do believe that the BS has a part in this.

 

Cheating to me, is a symptom that there is something wrong with a marriage.

 

And comparing a cheater to a pedophile is just plain wrong.

[Tomcat33]

Actually, if taken at it's pure definition, OW are most definitely sociopaths. Sounds like an OP to me.

 

 

 

Pahahahahahaha this is the funniest thing I have ever read.

 

I am no more a sociopath anymore than I am responsible for my ex's marriage getting destroyed.

 

On a more relevant note, got flowers from the ex on my b-day with a card telling me he is divorcing, he is still in love with me and has not gone through one day without missing me, and that it is futile to try to go on making a go at something he did not want even before he met me, and wishes I could forgive him for how poorly he did things and would like another chance.

I met him for coffee and I don't feel the same way, but it was GREAT to sit face to face and talk openly and frankly about why he went back why it will never work and why he is SO not inlove with his W and there is absolutely no use. She is boring, he is not attracted to her and most importantly he does not want to start a family with her or else he is stuck with her for life. Yes he feels guilty no he cannot spend the rest of his life tied to someone he does not feel like it is the full package.

 

His W is begging him to stay, poor woman I feel sorry for her, she does not have an ounce of dignity left and he is sitting there sending me flowers while she cries for him to stay, it really makes me cringe how sorry they both are. A BS begging a man to stay, she is losing on so many levels it's not even funny. They both have profiles on a very well known site, she has old pics of him and her hugging he has pics of just him abosolutely not ONE pic of them, and she is still begging him to love her after he left her and had a relationship with me. and all their friends know about the seperation our relationship and yet he seems to do nothing to reassure her, he even took off to work aborad for months and left her behind because he did not want to be with her. who in their right mind puts up with that? Some women really settle for very little. WOW talk about lowering your dignity just to be with someone. I want to shake her up, but she is not my daughter or my sister so she must know best....

 

Anyhow, as for me I don't want him I am over him being infront of him listening to his sad state of affairs, just listening to him describe his W was enough of a wakeup to know that I want no part of any of that anymore, they are both sort of sad in my eyes. But a word to all women out there who are contemplating on how to get the guy, have pride, self love and believe in yourself and be strong because self love is irresistible, begging is a complete turn off that will only make you end up with the very short end of the stick even if it feels like you gained something today, in the big picture you already lost.

[noforgiveness]

lol tomcat that's what he tells you.

What do you want to bet she threw him out for good this time after catching him with someone else?

 

Most bs's show their husbands the door and cry to their girlfriends while

the mm cries and cries and begs to come back.

[Impudent Oyster]

I met him for coffee and I don't feel the same way, but it was GREAT to sit face to face and talk openly and frankly about why he went back why it will never work and why he is SO not inlove with his W and there is absolutely no use. She is boring, he is not attracted to her and most importantly he does not want to start a family with her or else he is stuck with her for life. Yes he feels guilty no he cannot spend the rest of his life tied to someone he does not feel like it is the full package.

 

His W is begging him to stay, poor woman I feel sorry for her, she does not have an ounce of dignity left and he is sitting there sending me flowers while she cries for him to stay, it really makes me cringe how sorry they both are. A BS begging a man to stay, she is losing on so many levels it's not even funny.

 

Well you must be so confused as to why this stud went back to his boring, pathetic, undignified wife whom he doesn't love rather than leaving her for you.

 

I know I am.

[Tomcat33]

lol tomcat that's what he tells you.

What do you want to bet she threw him out for good this time after catching him with someone else?

 

Most bs's show their husbands the door and cry to their girlfriends while

the mm cries and cries and begs to come back.

 

 

That is NOT the case at all. We worked together and have people in common, if there is one thing she is not doing is kicking him out, he wishes she did his words were "I think I would have respected her more if she had just kicked me out, I doubt why she wants to be with me when she so desperately is trying to keep this marriage from failing, she is very angry at me but at the same does not want to let me go at any cost and it makes me question just why she wants to save this marriage so desperately?"

 

I mean c'mon her husband just had a rel behind her back for a yr and she posts pics of them hugging and he has not even one pic up of them. Plus a ton of other stuff our mutual acquaintances tell me....I could care less what you want to believe. The reality is a man who is not interested in saving a marriage and had an Affair to escape the inevitable is going to be NO less willing to recapture what they so never had before the Affair, no matter how much she begs and pleads.

 

Of course some of you BSs want to look for other reasons or to look for any excuse to twist things around to find things that dont' exist. The situation is as it is, if you don't want to beleive you don't have to, I am just reporting what I know to be true as I experience it and I am sure it can help people who want to capture the nuggets of wisdom from my posts. The rest can kiss my ronson really... you are entitled to your opinions but that's just really all they are, YOUR opinions.

 

For the entire 8months we were broken up the man has looked for me one way or another and ketp in touch with me via any which way he could even AFTER I told his W he had be back to contact me, he's been keeping me posted on how he was feeling on how hard things have been for him, on how miserable he was back at home. but I never esponded EVER. Until he sent me flowers for my b-day to my work with a card explaining things, then I was curious.

 

the rest I already explained.

[Tomcat33]

Well you must be so confused as to why this stud went back to his boring, pathetic, undignified wife whom he doesn't love rather than leaving her for you.

 

I know I am.

 

 

I am not confused at all actually, he explained why he went back. GUILT. He felt like he escaped the marriage and then met me and did not give the marriage proper closure and the guilt was eating away at him. So after I dumped him he went back and tried to give it a go with no distractions...well so he says because he kept contacting me all the time so he was pretty darn distracted, his mind was always preocupied by me obviously. He went out on a whim sending me the flowers given it had been so long since we last saw each other. And I met him I needed to know if I was really over him and I am.

 

 

I knew it would end this way and it feels good to know that my instinct was right all along, that's all. That marriage was waaaay broken before I came into the picture, I was the catalyst that helped him see he could have more of what he wanted and less of what he didn't .

 

My job is done now I am living my life and it does not include him in it.

[Impudent Oyster]

I am not confused at all actually, he explained why he went back. GUILT. He felt like he escaped the marriage and then met me and did not give the marriage proper closure and the guilt was eating away at him. So after I dumped him he went back and tried to give it a go with no distractions...well so he says because he kept contacting me all the time so he was pretty darn distracted, his mind was always preocupied by me obviously. He went out on a whim sending me the flowers given it had been so long since we last saw each other. And I met him I needed to know if I was really over him and I am.

 

 

I knew it would end this way and it feels good to know that my instinct was right all along, that's all. That marriage was waaaay broken before I came into the picture, I was the catalyst that helped him see he could have more of what he wanted and less of what he didn't .

 

My job is done now I am living my life and it does not include him in it.

 

Puhleeze...what a bunch of BS. Do you mean to tell me this putz stays married out of guilt but he doesn't feel guilty about bad mouthing his wife to the woman he cheated on her with?

 

He doesn't know the meaning of the word.

 

You must be so thrilled that you don't feel anything for this loser, I can't say that I blame you.

[Tomcat33]

Puhleeze...what a bunch of BS. Do you mean to tell me this putz stays married out of guilt but he doesn't feel guilty about bad mouthing his wife to the woman he cheated on her with?

 

.

 

 

That's not what I said at all, but of course you would read that.

 

 

What I said was that he went back to his marriage when we broke up to close things properly rather than escaping into the arms of a new woman before he could close his marriage properly. It was not fair to her to just walk out on her after she found out about the relationship he had with me he felt tremendous guilt even though he was so in love with me and dreamt of a future for us, for gods sake I still wear the ring he got me (it's a gorgeous ring....call me callous) he felt bad about what he did to her and felt bad about what he did to me, and what he did to himself because utlimately he ruined his chances at happiness with me and had no choice but to face up to the mess he made at home with her.

 

He didn't meet me to talk about her, I had some questions he answered truthfully. He has nothing to lose OR gain. He knows I would never go back to what we had and that there is no hope for us today, so he has no reason to lie to me at this point. He already lost me and he knows this.

 

It was good for the two of us to speak openly and with a clear head where we weren't ruled by our neediness and selfish emotions. It was like two distant friends getting together to talk about what had happened in an open and nonthreatening manner. We had more progress in that meeting alone than we had in the yr we were together.

Utimately it gave me the final closure I needed, he is not a horrible person he was just a person who fell inlove with someone when he should have been dealing with his marital problems instead.

 

The man looked me in the eyes and cried and told me he still loved me but that of all the mess he felt the worst about hurting me because he loved me like he loved no woman, I beleive him whatever that means to him I know he is still in love with me. He led me on to believe that he was ready to make a clean break when he was not, he also felt that I was innocent to all the problems they had a as couple and he should never have dragged me into their mess of a marriage which he did. He actually apologised to ME.

 

that to me says so much, and I walk with my head high because I know my situation, I know what went down, and I know that what I walked into was a total mess that was irreperable, it was only a matter of time until reality hit. And it did. she may not be ready to move on but he is and I had very little to do with that she quit her marriage as did he way before I came into the picture. And this is how it ends.

 

I guess we might see her here soon enough beating up on all the OW for stealing her husband away...actually to be completely honest she strikes me as having more class than that!

[Impudent Oyster]

It's my contention that any man who crys like a baby because they're so in love with a woman but won't leave the first woman they were so in love with (I assume he loved her at one time if he married her), out of GUILT, and then proceeds to badmouth her, IS A PUTZ.

 

Ugh...nothing worse than a "man" (and I use the term loosely), who speaks ill of the woman he married. It makes my skin crawl.

 

And I don't have a lot of respect for the OW who knocks his wife every chance she can get either.

[Impudent Oyster]

I

My question is, he is the one telling you all this, is it possible that he is lying through his teeth.....again? After all he is a cheating husband. Just a thought.

 

Nah...he would never lie to the OW, just to the woman he actually did have the balls to marry. (Sarcasm intended of course).

[Tomcat33]

your superior attitude toward her pain is exactly what I have seen OW on her complain that BS do to them. And whether or not she has dignity left is also something that could be asked about OW who stay for years with a MM waiting for him to divorce and move on.

 

My question is, he is the one telling you all this, is it possible that he is lying through his teeth.....again? After all he is a cheating husband. Just a thought.

 

 

My attitude is not superior to her pain, it is indifferent. I feel for her lack of self respect and self love but I don't feel for the fact that she can't save her marriage. You cannot force someone to love you. Why is that supposed to be SAD? What are we prisoners of people? no. we are merely human beings trying to make sense of our very existense making mistakes and loving along the way. nowhere does it state we are not allowed to change. He doesn't love her, they are like roomates, why is that supposed to make me sad? That's life. I can't control someone's heart.

 

What DOES make me sad is that she just doesn't get it. I actually cringe for her eagerness to save something that cannot be saved instead of picking herself up, looking in the mirror and saying to herself "woman you are worthy you are worth a lot more than this man than any man like this, you need to take care of yourself"

 

My pitty is useless to her, that's not going to help her, what IS going to help her is some inner strength she needs to believe in herself and believe that she does not need the crutch of this man to be happy. Once she can convince herself of that she can gain the self respect she deseperately needs, and HE desperately needs. He doesn't want me because I am better than her he wants me because I proved to him I am ok with or without him, she begs him to stay and it turns him off. To him I represent self esteem, and strength that is appealing to him, she does not. when it felt like I was putting up with crap I left him, she took him in and on top of it tried harderd. And that is unappealing to him. But only in their case because the love was already not there before we met. In some cases where the BS and cheater reconcile the cheater regrest it but still loves and WANTS to recoup the rel.

 

The psychology behind it is so simple but it is basic. If she were smarter she would kick his ass out on the street and let HIM come crawlling to her instead of posting pics up reassuring HERSELF she still has him...my goodnes how much can you sink in desperation?

 

It is not a superior attitude. I had my share of pain to deal with my share of suffering and faced it full on, I payed my dues and I rose above it. And I am stronger for it today. I accpted my reality. She needs to accept her reality, and it's not going to be easy but for god's sake he is just another human being, she did not give birth to the guy, get it together!

[Impudent Oyster]

Gee I don't know, is posting a photo of yourself with your husband more or less desperate than gushing about how a man is so much in love with you that they cry (yet won't divorce), bought you a gorgeous ring, sent flowers and find their wife (that they refuse to divorce, btw) to be boring and pathetic in comparison?

 

It's a tough call if you ask me. It's hard to tell who is trying to prove their worth more, eh Tomcat?

[Tomcat33]

Ugh...nothing worse than a "man" (and I use the term loosely), who speaks ill of the woman he married. It makes my skin crawl.

 

 

I don't blame you for having it bother you, you lived through the affair this will always be a point of contention for you. It would bother me too to know my guy could be doing this behind my back. which is why I would never stay with a man who lied to me in an affair, I would think he would always be doing this behind my back when things were less than great.

[Meaplus3]

My attitude is not superior to her pain, it is indifferent. I feel for her lack of self respect and self love but I don't feel for the fact that she can't save her marriage. You cannot force someone to love you. Why is that supposed to be SAD? What are we prisoners of people? no. we are merely human beings trying to make sense of our very existense making mistakes and loving along the way. nowhere does it state we are not allowed to change. He doesn't love her, they are like roomates, why is that supposed to make me sad? That's life. I can't control someone's heart.

 

What DOES make me sad is that she just doesn't get it. I actually cringe for her eagerness to save something that cannot be saved instead of picking herself up, looking in the mirror and saying to herself "woman you are worthy you are worth a lot more than this man than any man like this, you need to take care of yourself"

 

My pitty is useless to her, that's not going to help her, what IS going to help her is some inner strength she needs to believe in herself and believe that she does not need the crutch of this man to be happy. Once she can convince herself of that she can gain the self respect she deseperately needs, and HE desperately needs. He doesn't want me because I am better than her he wants me because I proved to him I am ok with or without him, she begs him to stay and it turns him off. To him I represent self esteem, and strength that is appealing to him, she does not. when it felt like I was putting up with crap I left him, she took him in and on top of it tried harderd. And that is unappealing to him. But only in their case because the love was already not there before we met. In some cases where the BS and cheater reconcile the cheater regrest it but still loves and WANTS to recoup the rel.

 

The psychology behind it is so simple but it is basic. If she were smarter she would kick his ass out on the street and let HIM come crawlling to her instead of posting pics up reassuring HERSELF she still has him...my goodnes how much can you sink in desperation?

 

It is not a superior attitude. I had my share of pain to deal with my share of suffering and faced it full on, I payed my dues and I rose above it. And I am stronger for it today. I accpted my reality. She needs to accept her reality, and it's not going to be easy but for god's sake he is just another human being, she did not give birth to the guy, get it together!

 

So well said Tom! Awesome post. Where in the heck did Fisherman go?

 

AP:)

[Impudent Oyster]

I don't blame you for having it bother you, you lived through the affair this will always be a point of contention for you. It would bother me too to know my guy could be doing this behind my back. which is why I would never stay with a man who lied to me in an affair, I would think he would always be doing this behind my back when things were less than great.

 

Ha-ha, I love that you would never stay with a man who had an affair but you'd sleep with one, that's for sure.

 

You would've married him too if he would've had you.

 

I've got news for youTomCat, this guys been lying to you since he met you, and everyone knows it, except you.

[Tomcat33]

Gee I don't know, is posting a photo of yourself with your husband more or less desperate than gushing about how a man is so much in love with you that they cry (yet won't divorce), bought you a gorgeous ring, sent flowers and find their wife (that they refuse to divorce, btw) to be boring and pathetic in comparison?

 

It's a tough call if you ask me. It's hard to tell who is trying to prove their worth more, eh Tomcat?

 

 

He is divorcing, I just explained it you chose to skim past it that's your problem. He is moving out when the house is sold. The divorce has been in the works for two months now I had heard through mutual source but was not certain now it is 100%.

 

I am not "gushing" I am telling the developments of my story in relation to this thread and to the effect that we are hardly SOCIOPATHS even though you Looooove your adjectives for us. I am sharing for those who care to read about it, you obviously don't so why do you bother reading it? I offered my story just like everyone else is on this thread. I'm sorry you feel so threatened by what I write. well Im not "really" sorry...it's just a figure of speech:laugh:

[Impudent Oyster]

He is divorcing, I just explained it you chose to skim past it that's your problem.

 

Oh he's divorcing...let us know when the papers are signed, 'kay? Until then, he's still married.

 

BTW, I guess you don't have to worry about his poor pathetic wife anymore, she won't be in that unfortunate position for long, thank god.

[Tomcat33]

Ha-ha, I love that you would never stay with a man who had an affair but you'd sleep with one, that's for sure.

 

You would've married him too if he would've had you.

 

I've got news for youTomCat, this guys been lying to you since he met you, and everyone knows it, except you.

 

Ok the voice of reason has spoken. :lmao:

 

 

You bet I would not marry a guy like this, sex is fun putting up with the day in day out of a cheater is not. Ahhh you do the math!! If you could choose between great sex or no sex and on top of it a stab in the back which would you choose? Doesn't seem like a tough choice to me!

So why would I want to tie myself down to someone like this when there are so many women willing to cook and clean for them and babysit this infants? They get all the crap while we get the best of them for the time we need and then we move on.

 

 

 

I've got news for you too, this man is no different than your cheater of a husband but the difference between you and me is that I CHOSE not to sacrifice my life next to him. I just accept the flowers, and the cards telling me he still loves me while he is trying to get away from the wife, while women like you spend your life feeling sorry for your bad choices and doubting your husbands, looking for a sign any petty sign of reassurance to validate your self worth.

[Tomcat33]

Oh he's divorcing...let us know when the papers are signed, 'kay? Until then, he's still married.

 

BTW, I guess you don't have to worry about his poor pathetic wife anymore, she won't be in that unfortunate position for long, thank god.

 

 

:laugh: why does this bother you so much it is not you, it is them, why do you care so much? you don't have to divorce they do, you can stay put right where you are this does not affect you at all I promise you. :laugh:

[Impudent Oyster]

Ok the voice of reason has spoken. :lmao:

 

 

You bet I would not marry a guy like this, sex is fun putting up with the day in day out of a cheater is not. Ahhh you do the math!! If you could choose between great sex or on sex and on top of it a stab in the back which would you choose? Doesn't seem like a tough choice to me!

So why would I want to tie myself down to someone like this when there are so many women willing to cook and clean for them and babysit this infants? They get all the crap while we get the best of them for the time we need and then we move on.

 

 

 

I've got news for you too, this man is no different than your cheater of a husband but the difference between you and me is that I CHOSE not to sacrifice my life next to him. I just accept the flowers, and the cards telling me he still loves me while he is trying to get away from the wife, while women like you spend your life feeling sorry for your bad choices and doubting your husbands, looking for a sign any petty sign of reassurance to validate your self worth.

 

Yes, you've got it all figured out...ahh well, you've got me TomCat, you've discovered that I'm a pathetic, long suffering fool who sacrificed her life for a cheater while you get the flowers, cards and sex and all I've got to show for my troubles are a few kids...great friends, plush lifestyle, advanced degree, a beautiful home, respect and a whole lot of money.

 

Well it's something then, isn't it?

[Impudent Oyster]

:laugh: why does this bother you so much it is not you, it is them, why do you care so much? you don't have to divorce they do, you can stay put right where you are this does not affect you at all I promise you. :laugh:

 

It doesn't bother me, I'm happy for his wife. See, I thought he was still staying out of guilt. I guess he overcame that guilt afterall.

[Impudent Oyster]

Oh and...babysit his infants? I guess your mothering instincts don't exist, you can't babysit your own children.

 

I don't clean either, the maid does. And I love to cook, so like raising my own children, that's not really a chore. It's all such a terrible sacrifice...

[Tomcat33]

Yes, you've got it all figured out...ahh well, you've got me TomCat, you've discovered that I'm a pathetic, long suffering fool who sacrificed her life for a cheater while you get the flowers, cards and sex and all I've got to show for my troubles are a few kids...great friends, plush lifestyle, advanced degree, a beautiful home, respect and a whole lot of money.

 

Well it's something then, isn't it?

 

Yeah I do have it all figured out, for me. My life is good. I don't have to look at some scum bag in the eyes everymorning and pretend to respect someone that had so little regard for me and my person that they did me in for another person. I think that is a huge advantage to have.

 

And honey you can have all those things you just mentioned sans the cheater in your life, and the worry that it will happen again or the reminder of all the anguish you lived. I am living proof of that and so are many many women who find happiness beyond a partner gone foul.

 

If I thought you were over the pain of your affair I would not say these things to you, but clearly you are not happy in your marriage to your man which is more a reason I would like to stress to you, BELEIVE in yourself and find happiness, all the other things you mentioned will not be taken away from you you can still be a great mom and friend and home keeper and emplyee and all the things that actually make you happy and be beautiful to another man again and be loved the way you should be not half way.

 

Given how miserable you come across I don't think any of the things you mentioned really mean anything to you in comparisson to your relationship to your man, because you carry a lot of pain in the form of anger around so clearly you are not happy with your choice to stay with him. Just have faith in yourself and stop trying to change all the other woman and find your own strength to make yourself happy and do what is right for you.

Inner peace brings happiness and sometimes you have to get rid of the source of bitterness if you can't achieve inner peace next to them...ya know?

[Impudent Oyster]

I wouldn't dream of trying to change the other women...you stay just the way you are.

 

I'm happy that you're happy and that you think I'm miserable. Truly I am.

 

Oh well, I have to go and make dinner now and then serve it to the scumbag...the drudgery of it all, but it's a sacrifice I chose, so I won't complain.

[Virgo1982]

Ha-ha, I love that you would never stay with a man who had an affair but you'd sleep with one, that's for sure.

 

You would've married him too if he would've had you.

 

I've got news for youTomCat, this guys been lying to you since he met you, and everyone knows it, except you.

 

If she married him, she'd end up being a BS, but it would be different because she was an OW first I guess. So, what did BS do to deserve their pain? What separates them? BS have built a lot more with the MM. So, there's more pain. There's less pain and less investment for an OW. To me, the concept is pretty simple. A person is going to look at the pain caused vs the investment. I think that's why MM don't leave, but wind up becoming repeat offenders-the investment.

 

I had two chances to be married, but I did not want to spend the rest of my life with those men. And everyone thinks it's so cute and funny that women are running around worried about how people are looking at them because they're single or divorced. I don't think it's funny. I don't want to waste my time or somebody else's time just to say I'm married. My xMM had been with his W since they were 17 and married when they were 23.

 

The odds are against them, but if they could make it this far after missing their youth, then I guess they'll be alright.

 

In conclusion:

 

Sometimes they reconcile and there's no divorce or additional betrayal. Sometimes MM leave and marry the OW to be happily ever after. But most marriages interrupted by an affair probably wind up in additional betrayal/divorce/open marriage and many affair partners probably wind up in NC.