OW anger vs MM anger

[Impudent Oyster]

My theory is, don't get married. I've seen so many marriages destroyed for whatever reason, yet here I am contributing to destroying a marriage--I'm out of control. This is my addiction, and cheating on his wife is his. I don't know why human beings have such awful addictions that possess our lives. I truly believe that cheating on a spouse / children fits into the same category as someone who has depression or an addiction.

 

That's just my opinion.

 

Oh brother, so now cheating is a disease, an addiction? Maybe you should start a local chapter of Cheaters Anonymous, and someone may even take pity on you, but I doubt it.

 

What a crock.

[Impudent Oyster]

Fisherman your story sounds very familiar...have you ever wondered what was missing in you that allowed you to become involved with someone else? I hope you've worked through that so you're never tempted again.

 

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, but you do have to identify the cause and make sure you understand exactly why you did what you did so it doesn't happen again, KWIM?

[Gwyneth]

Oh brother, so now cheating is a disease, an addiction? Maybe you should start a local chapter of Cheaters Anonymous, and someone may even take pity on you, but I doubt it.

 

What a crock.

 

Do you not think cheating is abnormal behavoir? It falls into the same category as gambling, drinking, doing drugs, excessive eating, not eating, etc. It's abnormal behavoir. So yes, I believe cheating is an addiction. There are sex addicts--have you never heard of that?

[Impudent Oyster]

Most of the anger that I have seen on this board towards MM whose wives do not leave them after an affair seems to be voicing that he didn't lose anything. I thought it might help to know that the MM loses a lot. If it doesn't help but instead only provides more pain then I apologize for posting and I'll leave you to your thoughts.

 

I'm glad you posted, I wish more MM (or exMM) would post, so that people wouldn't always speculate as to how or what they feel...isn't it best to hear it from the source?

 

Thanks for posting Fisherman, I'm a BW too whose husband also ended his affair (only to have the OW cause a d-day), and you sound a lot like my husband. I know he regrets comprimising his integrity and our marriage, I think you have a lot in common. It's nice to know that the MP are also haunted by infidelity and NO ONE gets out easy, that's for sure.

[Impudent Oyster]

Do you not think cheating is abnormal behavoir? It falls into the same category as gambling, drinking, doing drugs, excessive eating, not eating, etc. It's abnormal behavoir. So yes, I believe cheating is an addiction. There are sex addicts--have you never heard of that?

 

Baloney...I've heard of sex addicts, but unless all affairs are based solely on easy, quick sex, then I'm afraid you've got it wrong.

 

Is your MM a sex addict? Is that what you're saying?

 

Cheating isn't an addiction, I would think most of the members here, OW, BW and MM alike would agree.

[Virgo1982]

It was not right of her to go after someone who did not belong to her, especially out of lust (even if it were love, I agree that that would also be wrong). I've come to realize that if every woman respected other women and the insitution of marriage, men couldn't have affairs because there would be no women pursuing married men or willing to have an affair with a married man who is pursuing them.

 

It's that kind of thinking that rocks BS worlds. It's that kind of thinking that will never be productive. Simply because it's not realistic. You can not control anyone but yourself. You can love and trust someone enough that they won't betray you, but those who find the thought never entered their mind are DEVASTATED when they find out about an affair. I choose to think realistically. Reality says, what you won't do, the next one will. That goes for women and men. People even live this phrase without realizing it.

 

Question for everyone:

 

If you had been in 5 serious relationships in your life and were betrayed in 3 or 4 of them, would you still blame the OW for what keeps happening to you? If you answer this question with a yes, where do you think that will get you? If you answer no, where do you think that will get you?

[Meaplus3]

I've read with interest the reaction of women to the pain of other women especially in regard to the ending of affairs. I was a MM. I ended the affair about 5 years ago. It was my choice to end the affair. My wife did not find out and threaten me. I realized that the affair was poisonous to my life. I was not the instigator nor the pursuer. The OW was. When it began I was feeling very bad about myself. By the time it ended I was ready to kill myself. Though the other woman was the person who initiated everything it was still my fault that I agreed to her wants. As someone said here recently an affair begins as a series of bad choices. Each little step makes the next little step easier and soon you are in quicksand that will pull you under.

 

The OW did not want things to end. When I ended it I tried to make things easy. I told her that I wanted to work on my marriage. She wanted to remain friends like that was going to happen. She continued to call and write for many months after I terminated the relationship.

 

After I ended the affair I told my wife about what had occurred. I knew my life would never again be the same. My attitude toward myself would never be the same. My wife would probably leave me. My family would know. I would lose everything I valued most.

 

I want you to know that even if the MM does not lose his wife he has lost much. He has lost his self-respect. He has lost the look of uncomplicated love in his wife's eyes. He has lost the complete trust his wife once had. He has experienced the pain his wife has suffered knowing that pain was his fault. He has lost more than you can imagine. What he lost will possibly never be completely regained.

 

I was lucky. My wife didn't leave me. It's been about five years now and things are good between us. My family never found out because my wife never told anyone. But I will never again view a woman who "needs a friend to talk to" in the same light. I will forever be suspicious of women who are friendly knowing I am married.

 

 

"I was not the instigator nor the pursuer. The OW was."

 

 

I respect the fact that you ended the affair and are now working on your marriage. What I don't like here is how you refer to this OW as the pursour. She may have been the one to be more agressive with you however IMO, you make it sound like it's more her fault than your's and I don't buy that one bit!!! You had to be giving her some very clear signal's that you were ready and avaiable to become involved. Sound's like your trying to minimize your part in the affair to avoid the guilt!

 

AP:)

[Gwyneth]

Baloney...I've heard of sex addicts, but unless all affairs are based solely on easy, quick sex, then I'm afraid you've got it wrong.

 

Is your MM a sex addict? Is that what you're saying?

 

Cheating isn't an addiction, I would think most of the members here, OW, BW and MM alike would agree.

 

 

Well like I said, that's my theory, and I have every right to my own opinion and theory. Is my MM a sex addict? Well he doesn't sleep with a different women every week like my scum bag ex BF, but he enjoys and like sex very much. Some people have a sex addiction--have you never heard of that? cheating can be an addiction if you habitually cheat on every partner you are with--that makes you a sex addict and a cheating addict. That's my opinion.

[Virgo1982]

"I was not the instigator nor the pursuer. The OW was."

 

 

I respect the fact that you ended the affair and are now working on your marriage. What I don't like here is how you refer to this OW as the pursour. She may have been the one to be more agressive with you however IMO, you make it sound like it's more her fault than your's and I don't buy that one bit!!! You had to be giving her some very clear signal's that you were ready and avaiable to become involved. Sound's like your trying to minimize your part in the affair to avoid the guilt!

 

AP:)

 

Yes, OW, scapegoat for all the world's problems.

[Gwyneth]

 

Question for everyone:

 

If you had been in 5 serious relationships in your life and were betrayed in 3 or 4 of them, would you still blame the OW for what keeps happening to you? If you answer this question with a yes, where do you think that will get you? If you answer no, where do you think that will get you?

 

 

No, I wouldn't blame the OW. I would think it's me, if it keeps happening. Either I drive my man to another woman, or I am dating the wrong men.

[JMC]

Yes, OW, scapegoat for all the world's problems.

 

 

If not in the real world, then most indubitably on this board LOLLLLLLLLL!!!!

 

I've discovered another poster I like heehee.

[imstunned]

"I was not the instigator nor the pursuer. The OW was."

 

 

I respect the fact that you ended the affair and are now working on your marriage. What I don't like here is how you refer to this OW as the pursour. She may have been the one to be more agressive with you however IMO, you make it sound like it's more her fault than your's and I don't buy that one bit!!! You had to be giving her some very clear signal's that you were ready and avaiable to become involved. Sound's like your trying to minimize your part in the affair to avoid the guilt!

 

AP:)

 

I have to say that I 100% agree with this - thats why I think the post got to me. It felt like you were looking for sympathy. And while it is very good to hear the viewpoint of the cheating MM its not enough to hear ONE MM view and apply it to ALL MM. Fisherman - you could of said no at any time. Good for you for ending it off your own back - but no matter how hard she pursued you YOU were still the one that cheated on your wife.

[Impudent Oyster]

I

Question for everyone:

 

If you had been in 5 serious relationships in your life and were betrayed in 3 or 4 of them, would you still blame the OW for what keeps happening to you? If you answer this question with a yes, where do you think that will get you? If you answer no, where do you think that will get you?

 

No, unless it's the same OW, in that case, I'd think she was definitely out to get me!

 

Seriously though, do you know ANYONE who's been betrayed in all or most of their relationships? I don't.

[Impudent Oyster]

cheating can be an addiction if you habitually cheat on every partner you are with--that makes you a sex addict and a cheating addict. That's my opinion.

 

Nope, cheating is NOT an addiction, just a symptom of a narcissistic player with low self-esteem.

[Gwyneth]

If it's not an addiction, then it's like an addiction. I do believe that some people are serial cheaters. They do it over and over--that is an addiction in my book. They have to cheat for that boost of esteem. That's an addiction. When you have to do something even though you know it's wrong and bad, but you just Have to do it, it's an addiction.

 

My addiction is chocolate.

[Virgo1982]

No, I wouldn't blame the OW. I would think it's me, if it keeps happening. Either I drive my man to another woman, or I am dating the wrong men.

 

Now, I'll ask you to step into the BS's shoes...

 

What would you think if you were in 5 serious relationships, married one partner, and trusted them completely, then they betray you?

 

I see how different perspectives promote different views. In either case blaming the OW can not solve or correct the problem, but the different views are understandable.

 

If I had low self-esteem, I would think it was all me. If I was living in dreamland, I would think I could talk the OW into making my partner faithful or save the world from all OW. If my self-esteem was quite high, I could think there is nothing wrong with me and never look at anything I could have done differently in past relationships. If I were trying to justify something, I could say or do whatever it takes to earn approval from others...

 

There are so many truths in this world. So many different realities...

[Virgo1982]

No, unless it's the same OW, in that case, I'd think she was definitely out to get me!

 

Seriously though, do you know ANYONE who's been betrayed in all or most of their relationships? I don't.

 

Actually, I do, but she's only had two partners-so she doesn't really count.

 

I was trying to make a point. I could understand why some BS would want to blame the OW. I could DEFINITELY see why the MM would. I don't think people need to agree, because that would be unrealistic. However, I think we could benefit from making an effort to understand each other.

[Gwyneth]

Now, I'll ask you to step into the BS's shoes...

 

What would you think if you were in 5 serious relationships, married one partner, and trusted them completely, then they betray you?

 

I see how different perspectives promote different views. In either case blaming the OW can not solve or correct the problem, but the different views are understandable.

 

If I had low self-esteem, I would think it was all me. If I was living in dreamland, I would think I could talk the OW into making my partner faithful or save the world from all OW. If my self-esteem was quite high, I could think there is nothing wrong with me and never look at anything I could have done differently in past relationships. If I were trying to justify something, I could say or do whatever it takes to earn approval from others...

 

There are so many truths in this world. So many different realities...

 

Are you asking if each of my partners cheated on me? Then yes, I would think it's me and the guys I'm choosing to be with. If it's one man and five different women, again, then it would be us as a couple that's wrong.

 

As the OW, I am not holding a gun to my MM's head and telling him to pull his winky out so I can play with it. He is the one choosing to pull down his pants and asking me to do winky winks with him. I am not forcing him to do anything.

 

I can see it's so easy to put the blame on the other person, whether it's OW or OM, but let's face it--it takes two to tango, unless--godforbid, it's a rape.

[Impudent Oyster]

Actually, I do, but she's only had two partners-so she doesn't really count.

 

I was trying to make a point. I could understand why some BS would want to blame the OW. I could DEFINITELY see why the MM would. I don't think people need to agree, because that would be unrealistic. However, I think we could benefit from making an effort to understand each other.

 

I will never understand how any woman would agree to be some married liars dirty little secret. Sorry.

[Gwyneth]

I will never understand how any woman would agree to be some married liars dirty little secret. Sorry.

 

Dirty, little secret? Be careful what you say around here..this is the OW/OM board. And why do you say Woman? Men are having affairs with Married Women also, you know.

 

I can only answer for myself why I choose to have an affair with a married man.

 

1. I care about him

2. We are friends

3. It's risky and adventorous

 

My friend is dating a married woman. He applied #3 to his reason why he's dating her, besides the fact that they are head over heels about each other.

[Virgo1982]

Are you asking if each of my partners cheated on me? Then yes, I would think it's me and the guys I'm choosing to be with. If it's one man and five different women, again, then it would be us as a couple that's wrong.

 

As the OW, I am not holding a gun to my MM's head and telling him to pull his winky out so I can play with it. He is the one choosing to pull down his pants and asking me to do winky winks with him. I am not forcing him to do anything.

 

I can see it's so easy to put the blame on the other person, whether it's OW or OM, but let's face it--it takes two to tango, unless--godforbid, it's a rape.

 

I'm sorry Gwyneth, I didn't make myself clear. I was saying if you were in 5 serious relationships, had never been betrayed and the man you chose as your husband did cheat on you? Wouldn't you want to fix your mind to say, "That OW wrecked my home."

[Virgo1982]

I will never understand how any woman would agree to be some married liars dirty little secret. Sorry.

 

You're right. You won't. There's no explanation for it whatsoever. It's like asking why is the sky blue. I should start addressing all problems that way. "I don't understand," is definitely useful.I think the police should use that attitude to catch criminals (since OW are sociopaths, anyway) Instead of trying to understand the criminal mind, they should just say, "I don't understand," and grab some donuts...

[Gwyneth]

I'm sorry Gwyneth, I didn't make myself clear. I was saying if you were in 5 serious relationships, had never been betrayed and the man you chose as your husband did cheat on you? Wouldn't you want to fix your mind to say, "That OW wrecked my home."

 

Oh my bad--I was confused, sorry.

 

Well I think it really depends. If I didn't think anything was wrong with the marriage then yeah, I wouldn't think it's me. If I knew we had marital problems, then it would be different. Would I blame the OW? No, because I know it takes two to tango. My father cheated on my mother and I never fully blamed her, even though I call her a whore, but that's because she just is for other reasons LOL...

 

Affairs happen because of two people, not one. Sure, a homewrecker she may be, but howcome my husband isn't the homewrecker? He's ruining his own home!!!! Isn't that a bit more intense than the OW ruining the home in which she doesn't even live in?

 

Many people right away want to blame the OW, like she helf a gun to the MM's head and demaned to have an affair. C'mon! We know it doesn't happen like that. I know how women can be, but I also know how men can be. Human beings are seductive and seductors. It works both ways, period.

 

Well, that's my opinion. I equally blame my father and his mistress for their affair, and more angry with my father because he had a wife and children at home--not the mistress--he did.

[Virgo1982]

Oh my bad--I was confused, sorry.

 

Well I think it really depends. If I didn't think anything was wrong with the marriage then yeah, I wouldn't think it's me. If I knew we had marital problems, then it would be different. Would I blame the OW? No, because I know it takes two to tango. My father cheated on my mother and I never fully blamed her, even though I call her a whore, but that's because she just is for other reasons LOL...

 

Affairs happen because of two people, not one. Sure, a homewrecker she may be, but howcome my husband isn't the homewrecker? He's ruining his own home!!!! Isn't that a bit more intense than the OW ruining the home in which she doesn't even live in?

 

Many people right away want to blame the OW, like she helf a gun to the MM's head and demaned to have an affair. C'mon! We know it doesn't happen like that. I know how women can be, but I also know how men can be. Human beings are seductive and seductors. It works both ways, period.

 

Well, that's my opinion. I equally blame my father and his mistress for their affair, and more angry with my father because he had a wife and children at home--not the mistress--he did.

I don't blame my brother's mother (OW). Never have and never will. My mother didn't show me she blamed her. I would often spend time at their home. My father was the one who stepped out of the M, but didn't want divorce. He wanted a square in his home, but wanted to participate in the party life. However, they're M was nothing like many BS portray here:Everything was perfect,then BAM! Our family was better off without him.

 

I guess I was addicted to my father too because he wasn't good for us in the shape he was in, but boy was I attached! They would have to distract me in another room if he left the house. I would realize he was gone and cry my little eyes out. Now that I'm older, I can still love him, but understand who he is and interact with him accordingly.

 

They were constantly fighting. I later found that he was angry because she was not having sex with him because he was cheating-an impossible cycle. So, they got a D and she lives happily ever after. He does not. I don't have to throw it up in his face because he lives with that knowledge every day. I could have ignored my father's flaws completely. I could have disowned him. I could have hated my brother's mother. But what would that have done? The M was bound to end. It didn't end with that infidelity anyway. It started to die long before the affair started.

[annabelle75]

I will never understand how any woman would agree to be some married liars dirty little secret. Sorry.

 

I will never understand how a woman can lower herself to stay married to man who cheated on her...... and then spend her time harrassing woman on a OW support board. Seems kind of pathetic to me. Sorry.