My Wife found out about me

[Ladyjane14]

I love my wife, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

As weird as it sounds... cheating on your wife doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love her. It's certainly NOT a loving action, that's true. But it's not indicative of a lack of love for your wife.

 

Now, you sound like a fairly young man. And sometimes when a young man is just starting out with a wife a small children, he gets into a situation in which he's got some underlying anxiety about his role as husband and father. This kind of anxiety is at the subconscious level, and he hasn't identified it for what it is. All he knows is that he feels vaguely dissatisfied with the direction of his life and maybe a little trapped by it all. Life seems to have lost it's luster in some ways as he faces his day-to-day responsibilities, and these responsibilities seem to yawn before him like a never ending chasm.

 

Next thing you know, a young man like that, starts looking around for clues as to why he feels dissatisfied and bored. Because he hasn't yet identified the underlying anxiety, he starts looking for a more concrete cause, and oftentimes... he ends up inventing one.

That's when a young man might end up fixating upon another woman or an old flame.

 

You've had ALOT of people bring their personal agendas to your thread, Matt. It's an open forum. That kind of stuff will happen. But you've got maybe ONE CHANCE to pull the fat out of the fire here... so don't get sidetracked. Your eyes need to be on the prize. The days of duality are OVER. IF you don't put 100% into your marriage and family dynamic, and right this minute too... you will lose them.

 

Any hesitation on your part about where your loyalties lie can easily destroy the one chance your wife has given you. I mean seriously... I want you to imagine your own reaction if it was HER who'd been out f*cking some other guy for the past three months. Imagine if she went even the least bit wishy-washy on you once you'd offered to take her back. You'd be crushed.

 

Now, she's going to be angry, and sad, and experience ALL KINDS of emotions. Recovery from infidelity is difficult. BUT... people can and do have success with it. Often the marriage ends up stronger than ever because hidden deficits are identified and addressed during the recovery phase. Counseling with a good therapist is particularly beneficial in this.

 

Take your cues from your wife. Don't give her any further cause to doubt your sincerity. If she wants you to find a new job... then find one. If she wants you to end the affair without face-to-face contact, then that's what you do. Like I told you earlier, it's okay to apologize to the OW if you feel you misled her, but any additional contact or displays of tender feelings, will diminish your opportunity to save your marriage. Put your wife FIRST or you'll end up divorced.

[fisherfool]

Please see her do not dump her via email, you ow her that much and it will create more problems for you in the long run. Otherwise it will haunt both you and her for a long time to come. You both need closure in order to move on and hiding behind email is not going to do that. You must face up to what you did in a respectable manner, if the OW persists beyond that then you have every right to dismiss her via email. But the initial end should be face to face.

 

you do ower her that much, she was good enough to get involved with an risk losing everything over so she is def good enough to give her that much she is another human being with feelings too.

 

You owe other woman nothing at all. From your statements in the start of this thread she was the person who began this. Though you may have some feelings of kindness towards her at this point you will find as days and months pass those feelings of kindness will turn towards bitterness and disgust. You will find no hauntings based on telling her that you do not want her instead you will find joy that your wife has forgiven you and your family is with you.

 

Closure is needed by telling her it is over as to only disappear would be not right. The telling should not be in person unless your wife is with you. To put your wife through that is unseemly and needless. Face to face is unnecessary. The other will attempt to sway you and seduce you from your decision. You are weak now and must first exercise before your strength is regained.

 

I put in bold one line above. You must do that. You must face up to what you did in a respectable manner. This Tomcat person however is not realizing the respect is owed to wife not to other. Wife must be placed in front or your marriage will go poof into past. Please hear me. You have a chance but you must make that chance work.

[silktricks]

The BS will get nothing out of Mattym remaining emotionally attached with the OW

TC, I don't disagree that telling the ow face to face is possibly kinder to her. The thing is though that it's like sticking another knife into the heart of his wife, unless she is in full sbd I do mean full agreement.

 

The idea though that he will remain somehow emotionally attached to the ow if he doesn't tell her face to face is, I believe, simply incorrect. He shouldn't just disappear, that would be cruel, but an ending needn't be face to face to be complete for all parties

[whichwayisup]

The OW was talking marriage and being a STEPMOTHER to HIS children. HELLO! And this is all after afew months of just sex and fun. ALL BASED ON AFFAIRYLAND feelings, nothing more, nothing less. It ain't real. Matt knows it too, he just now has to "listen" to the right thinking 'head' and not the 'head' between his legs.

 

He can do it through email because THAT is the right thing to do for his wife's sake. NOT the OW. Sorry TC and annabelle, ending it face to face IS a slap in the face against his wife. The OW shouldn't be getting MORE respect than his own wife. He can write the OW a nice goodbye note, tell her why it won't work out, and that he is choosing to stay married and end the affair. A letter like that should give the OW the closure. The rest SHE has to do on her own and leave him alone so he can fix his marriage and gain his wife's trust back again.

[whichwayisup]

The telling should not be in person unless your wife is with you.

 

I agree with this. That way both he and his wife together can make it clear to the OW that the A is over and the OW can actually see firsthand that his wife 'does exist and is VERY real'...His wife involved will show the OW that Matt and his wife are a united front and there is no room for her in their lives. Cruel? Maybe, but the OW honestly in this case doesn't give a crap about Matt's wifes' feelings or their children. She wants what she wants, and screw everybody else. Just look at the OW's past history with men.

[luvstarved]

I do appreciate the OP's honesty and it does tell a common tale. We are not always proud of our feelings but it is easier to address them if you're honest about them...

 

The real problem is that people like to do what is easiest and most natural and sometimes having to work at something seems a lot less palatable.

 

What is it about the OW that is so much more appealing than the wife? Oh the flattery, the intrigue, the sexual excitement, the all fun and no work aspects. It is hard to give up something that seems "all good". I do not blame the OP for WANTING to have his cake and eat it, too. Wouldn't we all if we COULD?

 

But like other posters have said, you have to think of others. Imagine how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Maybe NOW you would understand if similar happened to your wife, but would you really? Wouldn't you be hurt, your ego thoroughly bruised?

 

You SOUND like you want to do the right thing, but mostly the right thing for YOU. You would like to keep both. But you can't. You worry now that the OW has "used" you in some way and yet want to "soften" the blow for her? Since we are being honest here, it really sounds like you a) don't really want to end it and b) even if you do have to end it, you want to come across as less of a d**k when you do it ("for the kids" to make it sound like you meant all that crap about a future together).

 

Like I said, wanting everything is ok. Realizing you can't have it all is mandatory.

 

Definitely, a future with the OW would come to look like the present with your wife, at BEST. You don't talk about emotional, spiritual, intellectual compatibility, just great sex and excitement.

 

I will tell you who I really admire on these boards and that is tommyr. I do not know his whole story, but he has done what more people should do and that is to work on re-injecting the excitement and romance within the context of his marriage. More people don't do it, and why? Because it is impossible? No, because it takes effort. People would rather just respond to a new shiny thing than to work on honest open communication, mutual respect and care for another's needs with the person they at one time loved enough to make a commitment to.

 

I think although a lot of people will just knee-jerkily rag on you over this, the vast majority would understand how compelling it can be to get the kind of ego-food you've been getting. But also the vast majority realize that life is about choices. I do not go out on my husband because I would not want him to go out on me. I have done dumb things in the past, and I have learned the hard way that shiny new things do not stay that way for long. Yes, sometimes people make a poor choice in mates and meet their soulmates later and end up divorcing and marrying their soulmates and everyone is much happier, etc.

 

This doesn't sound like the situation here AT ALL.

 

You know what is bugging me now though is that the OP was responding like crazy when it was all about sorting out his feelings. But now the topic became one of "how to end it". He has become silent.

 

I doubt very much that he has done anything to end it. He still has not resolved to let go.

 

I would not be surprised to see him back on here later whining that he lost it all and it is the OW's fault. For misleading him or whatever. Or complaining about life with his wife...

 

His wife sounds extremely mature and tolerant to even consider forgiving him this, and yet, he is still pondering whether he wants to stay with her. Yeah, like someone else said, that second of ambivalence would be enough to make me change my mind about trying to work things out.

 

I predict that he is going to lose them both...

[silktricks]

that second of ambivalence would be enough to make me change my mind about trying to work things out.

 

Amen to that. And it's a good point that he's become so very quiet now.

[Mr. Lucky]

But you've got maybe ONE CHANCE to pull the fat out of the fire here... so don't get sidetracked. Your eyes need to be on the prize. The days of duality are OVER. IF you don't put 100% into your marriage and family dynamic, and right this minute too... you will lose them.

 

Any hesitation on your part about where your loyalties lie can easily destroy the one chance your wife has given you. I mean seriously... I want you to imagine your own reaction if it was HER who'd been out f*cking some other guy for the past three months. Imagine if she went even the least bit wishy-washy on you once you'd offered to take her back. You'd be crushed.

Bingo. To me (and, I think, other BS) this was the part that I could never get out of my head through 5 years of counseling and re-connection. After the original "mistake" (error in judgement?) is made, it's additional agony to see your WS still on the fence, one foot in and one foot out, weighing their options. I guess anyone can screw up, but when it's all laid out on the table, you still can't clear your head and make up your mind? That, more than anything, was the part I couldn't forgive or forget. I felt my W came back, not because it was better, but because it was less worse. Make your W feel the same way, you'll eventually (and maybe sooner rather than later) lose her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bish]

As weird as it sounds... cheating on your wife doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love her. .

 

If he loved her, he wouldn't have stuck his d!ck in another woman...PERIOD.

[Ladyjane14]

After the original "mistake" (error in judgement?) is made, it's additional agony to see your WS still on the fence, one foot in and one foot out, weighing their options.

 

Exactly. And the "mistake" is compounded when a guy doesn't take the time and the opportunity to figure out WHY he made it.

 

What is it about the OW that is so much more appealing than the wife?....

Oh the flattery, the intrigue, the sexual excitement, the all fun and no work aspects. It is hard to give up something that seems "all good".

 

All true. But in conjunction with that... closing the door on OW also closes "the escape hatch" from the marriage.

 

I honestly think alot of these guys get caught up in the fantasy aspects of the illicit relationship, living in "Affairyland" where Reality is far away and the affair partners have a distorted and favorable view of one another. A guy can be a dashing "James Bond" or a knight in shining armor, fighting for love against all odds.

 

But back in the real world, there still exists the impetus for escaping into fantasy to begin with.... a ho-hum job, a mortgage to pay, kids throwing macaroni at the dinner table, an exhausted wife whose life has become way too hectic to be available in her former capacity of "Bond Girl" with any kind of regularity.

 

Underneath it all, he realizes that he's responsible for keeping this little family floating. It's a daunting task, requiring him to keep his nose to the grindstone for years on end. He's got to provide for their needs, and he's got to protect them from outside dangers. He's trapped in his role as husband and father for the foreseeable future.

 

And maybe sometimes he wonders if he's really equipped for the task.

Wouldn't it be better if someone more skilled came along? Wouldn't his wife be better off with some who knew what he's doing? Wouldn't she eventually be happier? Wouldn't he, himself, be happier too?

 

It's escapism. Pure and simple. Destruction of the marriage dynamic gets him out from under the crushing load of responsibility involved in raising a family. Hell, all he has to do is send money and "babysit" his kids a couple of times a month.

 

I think we see it best in Mammax3's story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t124481/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118171/

 

This is a guy who completely flaked out, one who immersed himself in his fantasies so deeply that his role as father has become one of occasional phone calls and writing checks. The end product is a very callous guy who is impossible to sympathize with, a man snared in his own trap of perpetual boyhood.

 

Afterall, it's one thing to think about it... it's something wholly different to actually do it. In Mammax3's story, we see a guy who walked out of one trap and right into another. Because wherever you go, there you ARE. I have to think choosing a life in "Neverland" can't leave a man with much hope of ever finding his self-respect again. He ends up sealed away in a purgatory of his own making, always with his eyes averted from reality, and unable to fully face the man in the mirror.

[Ladyjane14]

If he loved her, he wouldn't have stuck his d!ck in another woman...PERIOD.

 

I'm sorry bish... but I find that statement to be overly simplistic, almost two-dimensional. It doesn't explain recovered marriages where love has been rediscovered. And it doesn't explain the angst of the "fence sitter", because if he didn't love his wife, he wouldn't think twice about running off with the OW he "stuck his dick in".

 

I do believe that there are emotions which can block the flow of love. For example, long-standing marriages in which there are substantial built-up resentments can recover quite nicely once those resentments are satisfactorily resolved. I'm thinking too that perhaps underlying anxiety could also be such an emotion, blocking the flow of love, and allowing a guy to make poor judgment calls.

 

I think if the OP will get some counseling, he's likely to find that he just freaked out under the pressure, and mistook an act of escapism as love for another woman.

[Tomcat33]

By encouraging Mattym to owe nothing more to the OW you are only postponing his own progress, hence any real chance for the marriage to work. It's as simple and predictable as, as soon as the marriage feels back on track he will seek out the OW again only furthering the cycle of pain and deceit for his W because his own guilt and conscience will be eating away at him. NOTHING you can say here will shut his thoughts up NOTHING. You cannot control his emotions anymore than he can. By reapetedly telling him to stop thinking about the OW all you are doing is making it more vibrant in his head. The more he fights this the more it will stay within him. The only way to get over a situation is through closure, through calming the feelings of doubt and guilt. He cannot do this if he dumps her via email.

 

There is living proof that this is not a cut and dry situation that can be seen in all the threads of the OW/MM forum. He needs to do it for himself and for his W if he wants any positive outcome. By encouraging him to avoid the OW you are only making him avoid YOU and his W with the truth you are promtping him to sneak around on his W further down the line. That's what this will result in, further lies. It is cookie cutter unfortunately.

 

Do you want him to fail or succeed? His W is not going anywhere meeting the OW in person one last time is NOT going to provoke a divorce, let's face it and it's for the good of all.

[bish]

I'm sorry bish... but I find that statement to be overly simplistic, almost two-dimensional.

 

Ya...you're right. I loved my wife so much when we were married, I should have been boning other women.

[bish]

By encouraging Mattym to owe nothing more to the OW you are only postponing his own progress, hence any real chance for the marriage to work. It's as simple and predictable as, as soon as the marriage feels back on track he will seek out the OW again only furthering the cycle of pain and deceit for his W because his own guilt and conscience will be eating away at him. NOTHING you can say here will shut his thoughts up NOTHING.

 

Then he has only one real and decent choice. Let his wife go and divorce her so she can find someone that won't f#ck her over.

[whichwayisup]

Amen to that. And it's a good point that he's become so very quiet now.

It's only been like a day. I'm sure this guy works and probably has been talking with his wife, spending time with her...He'll be back and post more. He needs help and support so I doubt he's gone from LS.

[Tomcat33]

Then he has only one real and decent choice. Let his wife go and divorce her so she can find someone that won't f#ck her over.

 

 

No there isn't only one choice there are two choices the other choice is to stay with his W and work it out and that is what he chose, why should he walk away if he wants to stay and his W is choosing to forgive?

But that does not take away from the fact that no matter who pursued whom with the OW, he willingly engaged in a rel with this OW, he needs to face up to his doing. He owes her that if he wants to move forward.

[bish]

No there isn't only one choice there are two choices the other choice is to stay with his W and work it out and that is what he chose, why should he walk away if he wants to stay and his W is choosing to forgive?

 

Because you said he shouldn't forget about the other woman. There is no working it out with the W if the OW is in the picture.

 

That is non-negotiable. Either he works it out with her, or he doesn't.

 

 

But that does not take away from the fact that no matter who pursued whom with the OW, he willingly engaged in a rel with this OW, he needs to face up to his doing. He owes her that if he wants to move forward.

 

He doesn't owe the OW shi!t because the OW knew she was spreading her legs for a married man. She knew that going in and he didn't promise her anything....she ASSUMED he'd end up leaving his W.

[fisherfool]

By encouraging Mattym to owe nothing more to the OW you are only postponing his own progress, hence any real chance for the marriage to work. It's as simple and predictable as, as soon as the marriage feels back on track he will seek out the OW again only furthering the cycle of pain and deceit for his W because his own guilt and conscience will be eating away at him. NOTHING you can say here will shut his thoughts up NOTHING. You cannot control his emotions anymore than he can. By reapetedly telling him to stop thinking about the OW all you are doing is making it more vibrant in his head. The more he fights this the more it will stay within him. The only way to get over a situation is through closure, through calming the feelings of doubt and guilt. He cannot do this if he dumps her via email.

 

There is living proof that this is not a cut and dry situation that can be seen in all the threads of the OW/MM forum.

 

The threads on the other forum are not about the men and what is in the mens heads and hearts. Those threads are in regard to the other women who have been with the married men. The mans thoughts will not be what you believe them to be. Those thoughts are what women believe mens thoughts are not what the thoughts are themselves.

 

If a man cannot control his actions and his thoughts then that man is but a boy. Face to face is what you must want in order to consider a chapter closed. Face to face is not what is required. Dumping is not what is required either. A cessation of the relationship is what is required and that ceasing must include what the wife needs and what the husband needs. What the other needs must be of no considering or the marriage will not continue.

 

I tell you also that you are completely incorrect in regard to what is required for a man to close a chapter in life.

[silktricks]

It's only been like a day. I'm sure this guy works and probably has been talking with his wife, spending time with her...He'll be back and post more. He needs help and support so I doubt he's gone from LS.

 

Oh you're probably right, WWIU!! I've been a little on the edgy side lately. Too much caffeine!

[silktricks]

He doesn't owe the OW shi!t because the OW knew she was spreading her legs for a married man. She knew that going in and he didn't promise her anything....she ASSUMED he'd end up leaving his W.

 

Though I wouldn't have phrased it quite this way, the essence of what you've said I agree with. He is not responsible for the other woman's assumptions, even if a portion of those assumptions were based on his actions.

 

His responsibility lays with his wife and family. Period. If he cannot have that perspective, then he needs to get a divorce and let his wife get on with her life.

[silktricks]

The threads on the other forum are not about the men and what is in the mens heads and hearts. Those threads are in regard to the other women who have been with the married men.

 

That's a pretty key point, I believe. The OW who have been posting in this thread are understandably concerned about the feelings of the OW (very much the way the BS are when they post on the OW forum.) But some assumptions are made about the way the men think. It's interesting hearing from a man about this (though sometimes I've got to admit that I don't completely understand what you are saying. )

[Trialbyfire]

The threads on the other forum are not about the men and what is in the mens heads and hearts. Those threads are in regard to the other women who have been with the married men. The mans thoughts will not be what you believe them to be. Those thoughts are what women believe mens thoughts are not what the thoughts are themselves.

 

If a man cannot control his actions and his thoughts then that man is but a boy. Face to face is what you must want in order to consider a chapter closed. Face to face is not what is required. Dumping is not what is required either. A cessation of the relationship is what is required and that ceasing must include what the wife needs and what the husband needs. What the other needs must be of no considering or the marriage will not continue.

 

I tell you also that you are completely incorrect in regard to what is required for a man to close a chapter in life.

Dead on, Sir. matt needs to focus on what will give his marriage a fighting chance.

[SueBee3490]

If he does meet with the OW to end it, the wife needs to be by his side as now her feelings and wants are ahead of the OW. If the W doesn't feel comfortable with him meeting the OW, then her wishes come first. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable if my H was going to end an affair with a woman and I just had to sit there and wait and "hope" that he wouldn't be drawn back in again. That's just more undue pain on his wife.

 

I think he can say it in an email or phone. I've had relationships in the past when we just drifted away from each other or whatever you want to call it. Sure I wondered at the time what happened and thought about it quite a bit but my life didn't stop and I don't continually (years later) try and figure out what happened that our relationship ended. My life went on and I met others to date. I don't dwell on it and think that my life can't continue because some man years ago didn't ask me out again. The OW shouldn't even think twice about this relationship with a MM ending as she went into this as an adult, knowing full well he was married.

[whichwayisup]

If he does meet with the OW to end it, the wife needs to be by his side as now her feelings and wants are ahead of the OW. If the W doesn't feel comfortable with him meeting the OW, then her wishes come first. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable if my H was going to end an affair with a woman and I just had to sit there and wait and "hope" that he wouldn't be drawn back in again. That's just more undue pain on his wife.

NOONE can argue this, even you TC. His wife's feelings come first BEFORE OW, even though he DID have an affair with the OW. Now, he can TELL the OW, I will meet you in person, but my wife IS going to present while we talk. Him going alone is just plain stupid because the OW more than likely will do ALL that she can to convince him NOT to work on his marriage. Doing it by email or by phone (with his wife on the other line, so the OW knows his wife is listening too) is another way of ending it too.

 

Matt, I hope you seek some one on one therapy for yourself so you can fix what is broken inside you, and then together, you and your wife go to marriage counselling to fix whatever problems or needs that weren't being met. Hopefully you two have enough love and desire to MAKE IT WORK, give it your best.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

The threads on the other forum are not about the men and what is in the mens heads and hearts. Those threads are in regard to the other women who have been with the married men.

 

And the threads of the infidelity forum are in the majority from those have had a Wayward Spouse, and the advice and guidance offered is in some replies, coming from the agenda of one who has unfinished business with an OW - their OW - not Matts.

 

The majority of us are at fault here - we are assuming how Matt thinks, how his W thinks and how his OW thinks. It's becoming a pantomime with some posters thinking of the Big Bad Nasty OW forcing poor Matt into a corner of an affair whilst the Little House on the Prairie Wife knows nothing. Some posters thinking the Nasty W forcing poor Matt into losing a love he has found with the poor OW. Neither of those situations are realistic.

 

It's a very rare event to have an MM describe how he really feels and some of us are using him as an insight into our own relationships - whether it is an OW/OM or a BS.