My Wife found out about me

[bish]

The majority of us are at fault here - we are assuming how Matt thinks, how his W thinks and how his OW thinks. It's becoming a pantomime with some posters thinking of the Big Bad Nasty OW forcing poor Matt into a corner of an affair

 

Nope...I just simply think he doesn't owe her anything since she went into a relationship knowingly with someone elses husband.

 

She knew he had a wife and didn't care.....too bad for her.

[herenow]

Matt,

 

As i have said before, your situation is so similar to mine. My H is a nice guy and didn't want to hurt the OW. He is also a conflict avoider which is why he didn't come talk to me in the first place about how he was feeling. But, that's a whole other story.

 

My H came clean about everything so that when she eventually threatened to call me with information there was nothing else to tell. He has always accepted responsibility for the affair, even though it was the OW that made the first move. He never placed blame on anyone else.

 

We decided together how he should handle the OW. We had no reason to cause her any additional pain, we just wanted her out of our lives. Our marriage was ours to fix and she had no place in it. My H and I wrote what he would say. It was very respectful. He basically apologized for causing her pain, and asked her to please understand that he loves me and he can no longer have any contact with her since he wants his marriage to work.

 

I sat there and listened to a 10 minute conversation that included begging, crying, cursing and saying anything to keep him involved with her. She went from trying to get him to lie to me so that they could continue the affair to asking him to call her every once in a while so that she could hear his voice. I can honestly say that if would have been harder on all of us if this had been done in person.

 

Again, it's up to you, but the "in person" thing is not a good idea for many reasons. First, I'm sure your wife won't want you to be alone with the OW. Also, it sends the wrong message to both your wife and the OW. The OW needs to see that you are serious about no contact. How can she understand that when you are sitting right in front of her telling her you can't see her? Most important is what is shows your wife. If she disagrees with you seeing the OW and you do it anyway, you can be sure that she will see it as another betrayal. You need to choose. Is it the OW? Or is it your wife? If you choose your wife, you must end your affair and then have no contact with the OW.

 

Just an opinion based on my experience. That's the best I can give you.

[SueBee3490]

Here's a scenario..

 

I decide I want to rob a convenience store because I want a new big screen tv, but I know FULL WELL the risk I am taking. Here are a few outcomes...

 

a) I could rob the clerk and take the money and run and "get away" with it and get that tv

b) The clerk could be mad that he is robbed yet again and pulls out a gun from behind the counter and shoots me, either causing injury or death

c) The clerk could alert police at which time I am caught and go to prison, losing my freedom, etc.

 

Am I, being an adult, willing to take the chance that this will end like choice a? No so I don't rob anyone knowing (not only is it wrong) but I could be killed or go to prison and not see my family again. Similar to an OW who dates a MM knowing it is wrong and it could not end happily. Why is that so hard to understand? She knew going into it, he was married - in other words unavailable. I especially wouldn't worry about her feelings - did she worry about his wife's feelings or especially his kids? Instead of her contemplating being their stepmom, she should be contemplating stepping out of their fathers' life and letting him be a full-time, live-at-home dad to his kids, not a divorced, see-you-every-other-weekend dad. How selfish

[whichwayisup]

Similar to an OW who dates a MM knowing it is wrong and it could not end happily. Why is that so hard to understand? She knew going into it, he was married -

Unfortunately many OW are in la-la fantasy land and don't think straight. The emotions get in the way of better judgement. I think they really believe that eventually the MM will choose her over his wife and family and that's why many stick around and wait it out... For years...

 

I especially wouldn't worry about her feelings - did she worry about his wife's feelings or especially his kids? Instead of her contemplating being their stepmom, she should be contemplating stepping out of their fathers' life and letting him be a full-time, live-at-home dad to his kids, not a divorced, see-you-every-other-weekend dad. How selfish

 

I agree. There was a nice little ol' fantasy that MM would just dump his wife, swoop up the kids, marry her (the OW), be stepmom to his kids and be one happy family. How sick is that?? Especially after afew months of 'just hot sex.' That is NOT love, it's PURE lust. The OW is very immature and has her own problems in her life that she needs to deal with. It's obvious that she goes from relationship to relationship - As soon as things get too hard for her, she bails and goes on to the next guy.

[Tomcat33]

The threads on the other forum are not about the men and what is in the mens heads and hearts. Those threads are in regard to the other women who have been with the married men. The mans thoughts will not be what you believe them to be. Those thoughts are what women believe mens thoughts are not what the thoughts are themselves.

 

If a man cannot control his actions and his thoughts then that man is but a boy. Face to face is what you must want in order to consider a chapter closed. Face to face is not what is required. Dumping is not what is required either. A cessation of the relationship is what is required and that ceasing must include what the wife needs and what the husband needs. What the other needs must be of no considering or the marriage will not continue.

 

I tell you also that you are completely incorrect in regard to what is required for a man to close a chapter in life.

 

 

If you stopped trying to push your own agenda, you would see that what this poster has said and continues to say throughout this thread is that he feels wrong and feels bad, "like a bas#$%d" to be exact were his words, if he were to dump the OW via email.

Only HE knows what happened between he and the OW and why he feels he owes her more than just an emial dump. maybe he has made promises to her that he feels bad about WE DON'T know.

 

 

So what is best for him is to actually LISTEN to what he is saying and advice him on that. Do you think you can put your own agenda aside for one second and actually hear what this man is saying?

[bish]

So what is best for him is to actually LISTEN to what he is saying and advice him on that. Do you think you can put your own selfish agenda aside for one second and actually hear what this man is saying?

 

The man is saying he doesn't want to give up or hurt his wife...but he pretty much wants to continue with this OW.

 

Ok...lets tailor our advice based on your perception that we need to cater to him based on what HE is saying.

 

Then we would tell him to have his cake and eat it to and fuggedaboutit.

 

What someone is saying and what they wish for are not always the best for them and advice shouldn't be sugarcoated to tell them what they want to hear.

 

If that was the case, then he wouldn't need to post his story here. If he just wants validation on what he thinks he should do, then whats the point?

[Tomcat33]

Matt,

 

As i have said before, your situation is so similar to mine. My H is a nice guy and didn't want to hurt the OW. He is also a conflict avoider which is why he didn't come talk to me in the first place about how he was feeling. But, that's a whole other story.

 

My H came clean about everything so that when she eventually threatened to call me with information there was nothing else to tell. He has always accepted responsibility for the affair, even though it was the OW that made the first move. He never placed blame on anyone else.

 

We decided together how he should handle the OW. We had no reason to cause her any additional pain, we just wanted her out of our lives. Our marriage was ours to fix and she had no place in it. My H and I wrote what he would say. It was very respectful. He basically apologized for causing her pain, and asked her to please understand that he loves me and he can no longer have any contact with her since he wants his marriage to work.

 

I sat there and listened to a 10 minute conversation that included begging, crying, cursing and saying anything to keep him involved with her. She went from trying to get him to lie to me so that they could continue the affair to asking him to call her every once in a while so that she could hear his voice. I can honestly say that if would have been harder on all of us if this had been done in person.

 

Again, it's up to you, but the "in person" thing is not a good idea for many reasons. First, I'm sure your wife won't want you to be alone with the OW. Also, it sends the wrong message to both your wife and the OW. The OW needs to see that you are serious about no contact. How can she understand that when you are sitting right in front of her telling her you can't see her? Most important is what is shows your wife. If she disagrees with you seeing the OW and you do it anyway, you can be sure that she will see it as another betrayal. You need to choose. Is it the OW? Or is it your wife? If you choose your wife, you must end your affair and then have no contact with the OW.

 

Just an opinion based on my experience. That's the best I can give you.

 

 

And that's fair. I think if he chooses to do it via phone or in person anything is better than an email, thank you for explaining your situaition and I have the utmost respect for you because even given how hurt you were by this OW you had the class to allow your H to do the right thing. AFterall they did engage in these rels willingly and they did start something they now need to finish. They had the will to get it rolling now they must also have the will to end it. It's human decency and spare the "OW didn't care about the W" the rel was between the MAN and the OW, not the OW and the W. What the man did to his W he will now deal with at home. But he was dealing with the OW up until now and must end it himself. There is no need to further destroy this OW.

 

 

too many people on here just want the woman in this particular story to burn at the stake for all the baggage they carry inside from their own lives. I find that just as disgusting as getting involved with a married person or cheating.

[Trialbyfire]

matt, do what you feel is best but remember your ultimate goal is to fix to your marriage and your relationship with your family. The third party is moot to the family unit, although it has vampired from it.

[Tomcat33]

Mattym

 

The bottom line is it is not about what we feel you owe the OW or even what your W might feel or think, it is what YOU feel you owe her given what you chose to share with this woman. Of course do everything in your power to include your W in any of the decisions you take and don't hide things from her if you truly want to heal, but follow your gut as far as how to end it with the OW and don't be a coward about it. Please don't spare her from the truth. You know what you feel you owe her and it is not for us to judge.

 

If it feels wrong, it IS wrong.

[fisherfool]

If you stopped trying to push your own agenda that comes from a place of greed rather than a place of giving, you would see that what this poster has said and continues to say throughout this thread is that he feels wrong and feels bad, "like a bas#$%d" to be exact were his words, if he were to dump the OW via email.

Why do you say such a thing to me? You do not know what has transpired within me to make the suggestions I make and instead you make cruel assumptions about me and my motives. What can be greed within me that encourages a man to take primary responsibility for family and secondary responsibility for those outside of family?

 

You must also have seen that I most honestly said the other should not be simply dumped instead that the relationship must cease if the marriage is to continue. I recommend that the cessation should be done in person only if the wife is present and that should be too difficult for the wife. Either phone or mail or email is preferential to being in person alone without the presence of the wife. You are the one who speaks alone of email.

 

The man here must make his own decision for his life in the full awareness that his decision will make life changes for many others and for himself forever. His first responsibility must be to his family as they are dependent upon him always that first responsibility must be to his family has been forgot for many months but has not declined. He maybe is confused about where first responsibility and second responsibility lies. Many here see the same as do I. Why do you not see it?

[whichwayisup]

There is no need to further destroy this OW.

 

I agree, but only if she leaves him alone. If she tries to pursue him, contact him AFTER he ends it with her, tries to push him into continuing the affair, then all bets are off.

 

IN all honesty here, HOW many OW actually NEVER contact their MM after he ends it and ASKS her for NC?

[whichwayisup]

The bottom line is it is not about what we feel you owe the OW or even what your W might feel or think, it is what YOU feel you owe her given what you chose to share with this woman. Of course do everything in your power to include your W in any of the decisions you take and don't hide things from her if you truly want to heal, but follow your gut as far as how to end it with the OW and don't be a coward about it.

 

His wife should get final say here, not him. If she says SHE IS MORE COMFORTABLE with him ending it in an email, then that's how it should be. If she is OK with a phone call, then that's how it will be...The OW shouldn't be getting MORE respect than his own wife.

[Trialbyfire]

The man here must make his own decision for his life in the full awareness that his decision will make life changes for many others and for himself forever. His first responsibility must be to his family as they are dependent upon him always that first responsibility must be to his family has been forgot for many months but has not declined. He maybe is confused about where first responsibility and second responsibility lies. Many here see the same as do I. Why do you not see it?

Because she projects herself into the OW role and is unable to break free of it, since she was an OW herself. Her primary concern is with the OW and her feelings. She also doesn't understand what it takes to recharge a dying marriage after an act of betrayal. She doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage and all that the vows entail because she's never been there. Close only counts in horseshoes and darts.

[NoIDidn't]

Matt

 

I know I am coming in at the tale end here, but I do wish you luck.

 

I don't feel that you owe the OW anything other than clearly stating that the A is over. Whether you do it in an email, text, phone call, or face to face doesn't matter - so long as your W agrees with it as well.

 

I also agree with LadyJane that you have a lot of posters here posting with their own agendas in seeking out more recognition of the few months that OW was in your life. Beware. Three months does not merit more respect than you give your own W, but I digress.

 

Good luck. Get a good individual counsellor to help you deal with the stress of marriage and children. Knightinshiningarmouritis is a serious illness that often leads to many more problems if the root is not solved.

 

Truth is, I bet your W would like to be saved from a few responsibilities every now and then too. It will likely get you MORE of what you want out of your M if you give the symptoms of that illness to your W instead of to someone or something else.

[Trialbyfire]

To meet face-to-face with the OW, without the wife present, only provides the OW with a fighting chance. In an affair situation, why would this be desirable or equitable since matt's wife never had a fighting chance since she had no idea what was going on?

 

Is saving the marriage and reconnecting with the family unit not the priority? If not, matt, then let your wife go so she has a chance to find someone who will consider her their priority, who will love her, hold her close and value her, like she deserves to be valued.

[herenow]

And that's fair. I think if he chooses to do it via phone or in person anything is better than an email, thank you for explaining your situaition and I have the utmost respect for you because even given how hurt you were by this OW you had the class to allow your H to do the right thing. AFterall they did engage in these rels willingly and they did start something they now need to finish. They had the will to get it rolling now they must also have the will to end it. It's human decency and spare the "OW didn't care about the W" the rel was between the MAN and the OW, not the OW and the W. What the man did to his W he will now deal with at home. But he was dealing with the OW up until now and must end it himself. There is no need to further destroy this OW.

 

 

too many people on here just want the woman in this particular story to burn at the stake for all the baggage they carry inside from their own lives. I find that just as disgusting as getting involved with a married person or cheating. It is such a turn off to see so many callous and selfish responses here. What are we a bunch of animals?

 

The problem is, the OW didn't want to end it and she continued to try and get my H to see her. To have given her anymore than an honest phone call would have made the situation so much worse. It would have sent the message that he cares for her. She had a hard enough time letting go as it was, he didn't need to make it worse for all of us.

 

I have a feeling that Matt's OW is very similar to my H's and that is why I say that he should end it as quick and simple as possible over the phone with his wife beside him. He needs to be direct and insistent.

 

Also, to tell the OW that his wife is listening or to meet with the OW and have his wife there is also a mistake. I have read many stories where the OW passes off the no contact conversation as a show for the wife. If the OW sees that Matt is doing this in front of his wife, she may think that he doesn't really mean it. An email can also be excused by the OW as from the wife or the wife forcing the MM to send it. I think phone is the best way. JMO and that of our MC.

[herenow]

given how hurt you were by this OW you had the class to allow your H to do the right thing.

 

I hope he continues to do the right thing. He has done so much to show me how remorseful he is and how much he loves me. Had he not come clean when he did and involve me in his decision on how to deal with the OW, I don't think our marriage would have survived.

 

I know you have read some of my posts so you know my story. You may also know that I blame my H first and foremost. HE is the one that hurt me. The OW doesn't have that kind of power over me. I have always said she is insignificant. That doesn't mean I'm not curious as to why OW get involved with MM. That is what brought me to LS.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think what she did was despicable, but she is not my problem. I know that the affair was not about her. She just happened to be the person that paid attention to my H and he responded. She could have been anyone. That's my point to Matt. I don't think he is in love with the OW, he likes the excitement of the affair.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

His wife should get final say here, not him. If she says SHE IS MORE COMFORTABLE with him ending it in an email, then that's how it should be. If she is OK with a phone call, then that's how it will be...The OW shouldn't be getting MORE respect than his own wife.

 

No, I agree in so much that as if he is willing to save his M, then his W should at least lead and feel in a position of control. Thing is, are you absolutely convinced he wants to save his M? Or is he just comfortable, scared of change, unable to guess what the future holds?

 

Too much responsibility is placed upon the OW in this thread. It is MATT who alerted us to the OW and her feelings, we only have his take on the matter. Well done OW for speaking up in a forum many of us avoid.

 

Here is a man (who hasn't responded since things got heated) who went and strung along an OW, allowing her to breed fantasies about her future together while all along knowing he didnt want a future with her. Here is a man who allowed his W to think everything is A-OKAY in his M until his A is inearthed. And here is a forum that blames the OW for that - dump her by email! She doesn't deserve anything other than that!

 

Where is the responsibility on the MM? "You did bad, now work on your M?" Sorry, but it takes more than that to really work on being a good person. And I'm shocked and surprised at those posters who have generated the "Doesn't matter about the OW, just dump her!" One poster even said go to the docs and claim your insane to ensure you get your marriage back! Nothing like a holistic approach is there?

 

BW, OW, we are in a TRIANGLE cultivated by an MM. Just as the MM manipulates OW to feed our ever need of making them feel important or appreciated, OW in turn feed the monster that grows inside them about the possibility of having MM in our future "Please dont let me feel stupid by believing this person who has declared love for us has lied to us - it was REAL!" - to the BW who ALSO has a part to play in the triangle - a substantial part - that gets played down constantly in the infidelity forum.

 

A perfect world without affairs where people happily say "Yes, I'm not so sure about you, my darling wife, so I shall divorce you and maybe that girl I've been looking at and really connecting with might be interested! I dont know, but I'll take a chance eh? Let the divorce come through first though dear" - it doesn't exist! MM dont do that. Their number one? Themselves.

 

And yes, I am speaking 100% from personal opinion there, where the BW in my situation used every trick in the book to keep her man, to sustain her lifestyle, her lifelstyle for the kids - good on her! But choosing to avert any blame she may have had in the delivery of MM into this situation? thats where I have the problem. But no, she wasn't the one who cheated. Neither, the OW who was allowed to dream of a future with a man who promised her one.

 

I blame MM.

[NoIDidn't]

Also, to tell the OW that his wife is listening or to meet with the OW and have his wife there is also a mistake. I have read many stories where the OW passes off the no contact conversation as a show for the wife. If the OW sees that Matt is doing this in front of his wife, she may think that he doesn't really mean it. An email can also be excused by the OW as from the wife or the wife forcing the MM to send it. I think phone is the best way. JMO and that of our MC.

 

HN

 

We also have read here where the OW DID meet with the W and MM and still lied about things. I will give that that situation wasn't one where MM was thinking about ending it. But its plain to see that when you are dealing with a person that is going to put words between the lines that just aren't there, its best to do what's simplest.

 

How many times I have read that "he only did it because his W told him to". Matt will have to face the fact that no matter how he ends it, he will likely have to do it over and over again until it sinks in for OW that its over - for whatever reason!!

[Trialbyfire]

We also have read here where the OW DID meet with the W and MM and still lied about things. I will give that that situation wasn't one where MM was thinking about ending it. But its plain to see that when you are dealing with a person that is going to put words between the lines that just aren't there, its best to do what's simplest.

 

How many times I have read that "he only did it because his W told him to". Matt will have to face the fact that no matter how he ends it, he will likely have to do it over and over again until it sinks in for OW that its over - for whatever reason!!

Which is why I recommend the hardest fall. Not that I honestly care but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind or a rejected suitress(?) will return again and again.

[NoIDidn't]

I read where Matt wanted to let her down easy by saying that he was staying for the sake of the children while stating very clearly here that it is because he wants his W, not the OW.

 

How many OW stand by for "the children's" sakes?

 

Telling OW that you are staying for the kids is a surefire way to get a psycho on your hands. One that will eventually not only hate the obstacle that they see the W as, but also hate the kids.

 

Don't do that to your kids.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I hope he continues to do the right thing. He has done so much to show me how remorseful he is and how much he loves me. Had he not come clean when he did and involve me in his decision on how to deal with the OW, I don't think our marriage would have survived.

 

I know you have read some of my posts so you know my story. You may also know that I blame my H first and foremost. HE is the one that hurt me. The OW doesn't have that kind of power over me. I have always said she is insignificant. That doesn't mean I'm not curious as to why OW get involved with MM. That is what brought me to LS.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think what she did was despicable, but she is not my problem. I know that the affair was not about her. She just happened to be the person that paid attention to my H and he responded. She could have been anyone. That's my point to Matt. I don't think he is in love with the OW, he likes the excitement of the affair.

 

Why an OW has an affair with a MM? Its different in every circumstance. It can be power, recognition, romanticism, downright fantasy - but its different in every situation.

 

I was pursued by my MM. I got away from him in every way I could at first. Then my MM appealed to my softer side. My ability to put myself in other peopes shoes. "I settled down at 18. I was a successful soccer player. She was 5 years older. All of a sudden she was pregnant. At first I thought, wow she drives a car! Then she's pregnant! I didnt have time to figure out if I loved her. When I took the vows I was 20 years old. I thought it was the right thing to do. She got used to the lifestyle. I was 20 years old earning double what people wish for. She never worked - never had to. I worked away but she would never move to be with me. I missed the kids so much but as long as the bank account was full it didnt matter if I was home or not. She waved me off on Christmas Days without so much as a kiss, even though I was dying for her to make the move and offer to come with me to games. Then, as my career failed she took less interest in me, in the things I could provide. All of a sudden I was demoted - a has-been. You grown a lot in your twenties. When I reached thirty I met you. I realised the type of R I could have had. If it wasn't for my beautiful kids I wouldn't have entertained the idea of being with her. Then she finds out about us. She is so upset about all of those people who thought she was a taker, happy her life had gone wrong - she wasn't going to let those detractors win! She fought for me but I didnt want to be fought for, I seperated. Eight months of living in a bunk bed, telling OW I'm doing that for her. Then she used the kids - how will you feel when another man is their father? They will probably forget about you! You're a has-been anyway, I had your best years!"

 

Add in the magical ingredients of the delightful OW prose - "You're so special. I've never found anything like this" plus a nice addition of refusing sex for 6 months at the start of our R to ensure I didn't think he was using me, then a good smattering of "My parents hate W, hate what she has done to me, emasculating me, making me feel like I dont matter, that only my financial security matters". Then a final douse of "W tried to commit suicide" (which I had confirmed by the police before you even question) and there, we have the recipe for ONE OW and the reason as to why some of us dont deserve to be burnt at the stake for loving someone that we feel for.

 

Being an OW is the ONLY wrong thing I have ever done in my life. I have always known it was wrong - but when you think you've been chosen by someone so special, that makes you feel that all of the caring and good karma you put in in the past has paid off - you work for it. I knew it was wrong by putting myself in his W's shoes - something that HE has never done.

 

I knew it though - I might have a soft heart but I'm not a soft touch. But, then again, I am soft. I'm a contradiction in terms - you know why? - because IM HUMAN.

 

I have a soft heart. I spent my life caring for other people, watching through terminal and mental illness. Dont think I'm paying lip service to that - day in, day out, through my twenties, I lent myself to the most personal turmoil. Then, when that ends, I have a man appearing out of virtually nowhere, who I connect with, who I love with the deepest parts of my heart, who I tell my deepest horriblest awful experiences to, who still loves me for it, and who still raises a smile despite that.

 

He just married young. She used him. Any justification I can get, I'll use.

 

Those who have not sinned, cast the first stone.

[herenow]

I read where Matt wanted to let her down easy by saying that he was staying for the sake of the children while stating very clearly here that it is because he wants his W, not the OW.

 

How many OW stand by for "the children's" sakes?

 

Telling OW that you are staying for the kids is a surefire way to get a psycho on your hands. One that will eventually not only hate the obstacle that they see the W as, but also hate the kids.

 

Don't do that to your kids.

 

This is the first post I have seen from a MM talking about ending an affair and the first time we have seen proof of a MM asking about using the "kids" as an excuse. Here is it for all the OW that have said that he really does stay for the kids, and believe that if there were no kids, the MM would be with the OW.

 

Pay close attention to what this man is saying. He doesn't want the wrath of a pissed off OW, and he knows if he uses the kids, the OW will just think he is being a good father. This is how the "stay for the kids" excuse works.

[NoIDidn't]

He just married young. She used him. Any justification I can get, I'll use.

 

Those who have not sinned, cast the first stone.

 

Apparently so will he. Dredging up all that old history. In an A, justification is the name of the game. I am not sure what this has to do with the thread that's on, though.

 

It seems a little pot, kettle, blackish to put that statement at the end of the post. If memory serves me correctly, the person that asked that question had never sinned to begin with.

 

If its really love, why all the justifications and rationalizations? Real love doesn't need a reason. It just IS.

[silktricks]

It may be important to remind all that the one consistency in MM is that they avoid conflict. If they didn't the marriage problems would have been resolved and no affair would have occurred.

 

I say that because when all is said and done, a face to face termination of the affair will bring at the very least a fear of conflict. Why do you think that so often the reason given is anything other than "this was a mistake, I love my wife"

 

Even Matt who said he feels bad at the idea of ending via email thought it would be less painful to the ow if it was for the children's sake. What is that? Conflict avoidance! That conflict avoidance will keep both a marriage going that should be disolved and an affair going that should be teminated. Many excuses will be brought out, but what it always comes down to is the guy didn't want to face the conflict.