My Wife found out about me

[JustBreathe]

Do not compound lies with more lies. Most lies eventually come out, even if it's years later, and the result is the formation of distrust, which may not be reversible, especially in the case of an affair. Be honest with your wife NOW, not later, you have hurt her enough already. Don't hurt her and disrespect her further by lying to her. You loved her once and she has been faithful and loyal to you. She deserves, at the very least, honesty and full disclosure of this affair which has rocked her to the core, no doubt, becuase she loved you. She deserves it because she put her faith in you.

 

Also... I agree with those who say leave your wife. You have altered your relationship with her forever. It is easier and more merciful to leave than to try to repair a marriage after an affair. Go and live with your OW, as she loves you and you love her. I wish my husband had left me as I would be over him by now and perhaps found another man I could trust and have faith in.

 

If you cannot love your wife in the way a husband should, if you cannot be faithful to her and put her feelings above your own and the OW's, then you must leave her and allow her to find someone who CAN love her.

 

She will hurt very much for a time. But she will heal. Your children will be okay. Be merciful and kind to this woman who has done nothing wrong except that which a wife is supposed to do.. raise kids and trust and love her husband. She doesn't deserve your false pity and half hearted efforts at reconstructing your marriage.

[herenow]

I wanted to add, that you need to show your wife that you are loyal to her. If she sees that you are concerned with how the OW feels and you are not going to put your wife's feelings first, you will be taking a giant step backwards. Unless you have a saint for a wife and she can share your motive to not hurt the OW, you must choose. If your wife does believe that the OW should be protected from getting hurt, you have the best wife anyone could ask for and you better do everything you can to keep her.

 

The best thing my H did after d-day, was to be open about everything. Sure the truth hurt, but had he lied or diminished the truth, I don't think we would have been able to make it work.

 

You are at a crucial stage with your wife. What you do now will determine if she will be able to regain trust. You must choose what is more important to you, the OW and how she feels, or your marriage and future with your wife.

[fisherfool]

Also... I agree with those who say leave your wife. You have altered your relationship with her forever.

This is not a true statement. It is the sign of youth only to believe that all are like oneself. Your statements have spoken of your love for your wife and children. You lost sight of that love for a time but now is the time to correct the problems you introduced into your marriage.

 

Follow the lead of your wife. She has said that she wishes to forgive. You have a jewel in that and a chance for love reconstructed.

[datingmum]

okay, here's your gameplan (and you have a few choices)

 

a) tell her face-to-face: ONLY IF YOUR WIFE IS WILLING TO DO THIS WITH YOU AND YOU EXPLAIN THAT YOU WERE FEELING LIKE PETER PAN, neglected, whatever. I HIGHLY advise against this but it may allay some feelings of suspicion in your wife. Obviously you cant tell OW wife will be coming, but it works a treat.

 

b) just tell her on the phone, email or whatever.

 

but most importantly:

 

1. Sit down with wife, both of you draw up a list of why you fell in love with one another

2. make list of why you fell out of love with one another

3. find a good marriage counsellor. a GOOD one. pay good money, i'm serious, a bad one can ruin a marriage

4. hash out these issues

5. show wife as you delete OWs numbers (giving her opportunity to record them first if she wishes to either contact OW at later date when she has unanswered questions or to check on you), block her from your emails/msn/everything. be accountable for EVERYTHING. let her check your bills, your bank statements, know every single detail of you whereabouts (for a while), everything.

6. rebuild your life together.

 

 

None of this can be accomplished without swift and immediate action. You must take your wife's anger and upset. You must agree with her on every point, no matter how you feel in the moment. Just try to absorb her anger and pain. If you choose to ignore it in any way, she is going to start drawing down the bridges immediately.

 

Be the romantic man you were when you met her NOW. I mean it, now matter how false it feels. Flowers, talks, calling, txting her loads, everything. Do it. If you want to save this, she will need lots of support.

 

Now, I'm not saying you are 100% to blame in this. There must have been some fundamental problems in your home relationship and in your ability to communicate your own issues and needs to your wife. You need a therapist NOW.

 

Do not wait.

 

Good luck!!!

[datingmum]

quit your job immediately, if you have insurance to cover house payments, etc. or have the girl transferred or whatever. Take a sabbatical. Take sick leave. Go to the doctor and tell him you've gone insane. whatever you have to do to get away from the OW so your wife does not have to feel more pain.

 

I know others may disagree, but seriously man. If you want to save this, I am giving you honest advice.

[JustBreathe]

Fisherfool, an affair DOES alter a relationship. Always. It cannot remain the same, although some aspects of it may be recovered to a degree.

 

He pines over his OW. He disrespects his wife by continuing to entertain the notion of being with her, thinking of her constantly, worrying about her feelings and putting her before his wife. I wouldn't want a man like that. Would you want a woman who would feel that way about another man if this situation were reversed and you were the betrayed party? Wouldn't she have to prove her complete and utter loyalty to you and you alone? If she were pining away over her lost OM, lying to you about the extent of their relationship, how would you feel? Would it be fair to you?

 

It is unfair of him to stay with her if he cannot love her as a husband should, even if she says she wants her marriage. If he does not love her enough to be faithful to her in heart and mind, he needs to leave her. It would be the most merciful thing to do. I wouldn't want a man who could not be faithful to me in heart and mind. I would rather he left me.

 

She will hurt, but she will recover.

 

This is my opinion.

[outofdarkness]

My behaviour has been terrible

 

My Wife and i have been together 7 years, married last 3 and have 2 wonderful young children

 

We have a nice house, kids are great and I am in a well-paid job with responsibility

 

For the last 3 months I have been having an affair with a co-worker, who is 6 years younger than my W and has no kids etc

 

Like all things, I never intended this to happen- the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive - like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on. It's hard to describe, but it became addictive

 

When I met the OW she had a boyfriend. She told me there was no spark with them, nothing sexual ever happened and she was unhappy. A month or so after meeting me she dumped him, and kept mentioning all the things she was thinking about us - a future together where my kids came and stayed with us, where we had great holidays..even marriage for us.

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'

 

I still went back for more though

 

My friends told me that this woman would get P** off waiting for me and would put pressure on me to make a decision, which she did by withdrawing affection and suggesting she 'walk away' - by then though I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova so tried to keep both happy

 

2 weeks ago my W found out by checking my phone and finding a text message from the OW. I'm not sure why I left my phone lying around- either I became complacent or maybe i wanted her to find it

 

I don't want or expect sympathy, but this double life has been exhausting and I feel I have physically aged in appearance. I've never lied to my wife before and I would buy her things or take her places to almost compensate for being the complete a**hole I have been

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her

 

I'd hurt her terribly and I felt as though I did not deserve to live. Thankfully the kids are too young to realise what's gone on.

 

She has offered to make another go of things, and forgive me, but wants me to move jobs. Things are understanably tense at home

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day

 

What do I do? Leave my Wife so she can find someone who deserves her trust? Make a go of things with the OW as she's on my mind?

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete. I'm not justifying it, just saying how it was. I love my wife, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

I'm disgusted with myself for being so shallow, for causing hurt to others and for being so weak and indecisive

 

any advise would be appreciated

 

Matt

I sure do wish more MM would post here! I really admire you for posting and reaching out for advice and support. I don't see in your post where you say that you are in love w/ your OW..To me, this would make a difference. When I read your post, I sensed alot of that lusty, honeymoon, fantasy type stuff...Not that these things aren't important in an R, but it's not enough IMO to sustain a M. Everything you say in your post indicates to me that you want to be a devoted, loving and loyal H and Father.

 

I have never been an OW, in fact, I am a BS...BUT I have been on LS for around a year now, and I have read so many sad stories about how that "honeymoon" feeling goes away, once the MM is faced with the prospect of loosing his family..I believe that the feelings that you are having towards your OW right now are probrably normal. I fact, the thought that my H never seemed to have any feelings towards any of his OW's concerned me greatly.

 

It sounds like you have built a nice life with your W and kids...If she is willing to forgive and work on the M...ie., go to MC, etc, then IMO, you should cut contact..TOTALLY with your OW and go for it..Trust is slow to return and there will be many months of ups and downs...Your W is feeling more anguish and hurt then you can ever imagine right now. To prove that you are serious about your M, you need to offer her much reassurance, love and affection. IMO, you can place the feelings that you have been directing towards your OW, to your W! Whether the two of you realize it or not, your OW has been taking what should be your W's..So what if the OW gets p.o'd! She is better off as well, as A's rarely have happy endings. If she DOES get mad enough to get nasty w/ you and/or your W, you'd best make sure that you have come clean w/ your W...That way, there is nothing that she can hold over your head, and you can start fresh.

 

As far as your kids, I know that you think they are too young to know, and they ARE too young to understand details, BUT they are NOT too young to at least sense that something is not right between Mom and Dad..Also, we were told right after D day that as hard as you try, there is always sort of a "sexualized" atmosphere in the home after the MM has spent time w/ the OW..It's NOT the same thing as actually flaunting your A in front of your kids, but there has been an "air" about you that I can almost guarantee they have picked up on...

 

I wish you so much luck and will pray for you...Unless you can say that you are 100 percent in love w/ your OW and want to spend the rest of your life w/ her, then you need to work on M..I find it deplorable that your OW has discussed being a step Mom to your Kids..I have said many times on LS that I felt that the emotional A's that my H had were MUCH more hurtful then the physical part..It's devastating..

[herenow]

Fisherfool, an affair DOES alter a relationship. Always. It cannot remain the same, although some aspects of it may be recovered to a degree.

 

He pines over his OW. He disrespects his wife by continuing to entertain the notion of being with her, thinking of her constantly, worrying about her feelings and putting her before his wife. I wouldn't want a man like that. Would you want a woman who would feel that way about another man if this situation were reversed and you were the betrayed party? Wouldn't she have to prove her complete and utter loyalty to you and you alone? If she were pining away over her lost OM, lying to you about the extent of their relationship, how would you feel? Would it be fair to you?

 

It is unfair of him to stay with her if he cannot love her as a husband should, even if she says she wants her marriage. If he does not love her enough to be faithful to her in heart and mind, he needs to leave her. It would be the most merciful thing to do. I wouldn't want a man who could not be faithful to me in heart and mind. I would rather he left me.

 

She will hurt, but she will recover.

 

This is my opinion.

 

I actually agree with this. Matt needs to decide if fixing his marriage is really what he wants. If he doesn't love his wife enough to put her first and he continues to think about the OW, he owes it to his wife to allow her to find someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved.

 

However, if Matt feels that he does love his wife and he wants to make things work, he has to stop all contact with the OW and focus on his marriage. He cannot put any effort into the OW what so ever.

[Hard2Think]

Again, having been through this myself .. I can tell you that the people here are right. You really need to make a dramatic step towards cutting the OW loose, or the healing for your wife won't begin.

 

If I were you, I'd send the OW an email, and let your wife see if first so she knows. And then you have to quit your job now. Immediately. Not next week, but now. This part is very, very important.

 

Good luck ..!

[Sheba]

Just a thought, and possible advice from any women here..

 

would it be better if you were finished with because of another woman or because of the kids? Not sure whether saying I want to be with my wife will make her feel like s*it whereas the kids may seem a softer landing, if that makes sense?

 

Matty, you are on the way down the slippery slope and your wife has tossed you a life line....take it with both hands or continue your free fall and see where you end up.

 

I think your notion to lie to the OW about why you are ending the affair with her is a sign you aren't ready to grab that lifeline. Stop lying! Of course the children are part and product of the marriage, but to tell this woman that you are leaving her "for the kids" is not true. You are leaving her for your wife.

 

Tell her and then cut all ties completely. NO contact. None.

 

In fact, as a gesture of your sincerity to your wife, you might ask your wife if she would like to listen while you speak to the other woman on the phone. Or, do what one poster's husband did: go to the doorstep of the OW's home, and in full view of your wife (who will be a decent distance away) tell the OW the affair is over. This offers your wife the assurance that you are doing what you promised (ending the affair) and she can literally witness it. Your wife needs to see honesty in action, she can no longer tell herself your word is good, you have proven otherwise.

 

It is also an important show of solidarity with your wife, for the benefit of your wife and of the OW. If you are choosing your marriage, you have a lot of work to do, and none of it involves caring about the OW's feelings. I don't mean you need to say cruel things to the other woman, I just mean that you need to be very clear that there is NO possibility of a future and that she must look elsewhere for emotional comfort of any sort.

 

Don't leave doubt in the minds of either of these women. That is just more selfishness and unfairness, and you are past all that, right? Don't leave the OW wondering if maybe being in a "loveless marriage" for the "sake of the kids" will not satisfy you and you might come back. Don't leave your wife wondering if you have kept your foot in the OW's door.

 

If you cannot bring yourself to make a final, overt and complete break with your OW, and do it in a manner that your wife feels some comfort from - well, then I would say you should leave your wife. Let her get on with her life, get over the pain, find a man who values her good and compassionate nature.

 

Good luck.

[Tomcat33]

Mattym tell the OW in person, doing it via email IS cowardly and will hurt the OW deeply and there is no need to further harm her because you want out now. I can appreciate you have made your mind up and I respect that you have seen the light and want to make things the best possible with your W but the OW IS a human being whom you have been willingly invoveld with up until now, you DO owe it to her to let her down in person and in an open manner.

 

Please see her do not dump her via email, you ow her that much and it will create more problems for you in the long run. Otherwise it will haunt both you and her for a long time to come. You both need closure in order to move on and hiding behind email is not going to do that. You must face up to what you did in a respectable manner, if the OW persists beyond that then you have every right to dismiss her via email. But the initial end should be face to face.

 

you do ower her that much, she was good enough to get involved with an risk losing everything over so she is def good enough to give her that much she is another human being with feelings too.

[Trialbyfire]

Be a man now, matt. Face up to your responsibilities, as a man. You owe your wife and family so much for your indiscretion with a woman who's of negligible character. You owe the OW nothing.

[fisherfool]

You owe your wife and family so much for your indiscretion with a woman who's of negligible character. You owe the OW nothing.

 

THis statement is true.

[Tomcat33]

Mattym

I just went back and re-read some of this thread and I think first and foremost you came her for help on what to do that is best for everyone, and have to think long term and for everyone in particular yourself and your W.

 

DO NOT take disrespect from people telling you to BE A MAN you are a man who has made a mistake a huge mistake but you are also a man who has free will and who made some choices in order to meet your needs whatever those were at the time. You DO owe the OW something you most definitely do.

 

I have noticed in this thread all the women who are BSs or partake in the BS mentality are the ones telling you to further treat the OW like scum.

They are speaking form a place of prsonal hurt they are personalizing their experience with your situation, they have NO right to ask you to further destroy the OW. NO right. IT's downright MEAN.

 

Take it from those who have been in the OW shoes, you need to face up to her for your own wellbeing. It will absolutely haunt you to know that you destroyed this woman whom you said to want to be with and have feelings for the least you can do for her as a human being to another human being is to let her down in person. Please Matt your decision is made and you will be better off in the end for the decision but think of this OW who had so many hopes and dreams based on what promises you made to her be it light ones or heavy ones.

 

I am not going to say to you be a man, you ARE man. Man is prone to make mistakes and to do distructive things. Be empathetic and face up to your mistake. just have compassion for the outcome of your own wrong doings and for what you can do in a very small way to redeem all the pain you have caused in this OW, tell her in person explain it to her and be completely honest with her. Please do it. There is no reason why you should continue with the lies, she will appreciate you in the long run SO MUCH more for being honest with her it will help her healing immensely though it will hurt her right now either way but dumping her via emial in such a callous manner will leave all sorts of unresolved issues with you and you will be stuck on her emotionally for many months to come only hindering your chances at improving your marriage further.

 

You may have regrets but regrest are useless, start today by making things right. Talk to her and be honest with her. Then cut all contact and focus on your marriage to make it work. It will clear you conscience if you don't you will be haunted by how much more you hurt her.

 

The right path starts today if you want it to.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

I didn't quote all the pertinent parts of your other posts, but it's pretty easy to see that your head still isn't on straight.

No, I just feel like a b*stard doing it online or telephone

Implies that your don't want to treat the OW badly since you still have feelings for her.

 

Even if you 100% recommitted to your marriage today, you've probably got a 50/50 chance (at best) of making it work long term. I tried for 5 years to work things out after my wife's affair and still failed. You lessen any chance you have every day you juggle the thoughts of both relationships. Time to go cold turkey in every way - thoughts, feelings, contact, job, etc. - if you want your marriage to work...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bish]

In this situation I think he needs to take what is best for the OW in consideration and not make it all about his W.

 

Uh...like hell. His wife is who deserves it to be all about her...not an OW who knew he was married.

 

But I digress....his wife deserves better than him.

 

He lied to her and made her believe that he was going to marry her.

 

He did? When did he say that? He wrote in his original post that those were HER expectations....he didn't say anything about promising her anything.

 

 

He has made a choice to stay with his wife which is the right thing for him to do, but the OW has earned the right for him to explain it to her face or at least on the phone.

 

Uh...no...she doesn't deserve that. She knew he was married....so tough shiit.

 

Both the OW and W were lied to here. He is accountable to both of them now.

 

 

Nope...he only lied to his wife. He didn't promise this other woman anything and she knew he was married. She made her bed, she can lay in it and doesn't have the right to complain since she doesn't mind spreading her legs for another woman's husband.

 

And he made his bed where his wife is concerned. His wife just needs to kick him out and take him for everything she can get.

[Tomcat33]

I didn't quote all the pertinent parts of your other posts, but it's pretty easy to see that your head still isn't on straight.

 

Implies that your don't want to treat the OW badly since you still have feelings for her.

 

Even if you 100% recommitted to your marriage today, you've probably got a 50/50 chance (at best) of making it work long term. I tried for 5 years to work things out after my wife's affair and still failed. You lessen any chance you have every day you juggle the thoughts of both relationships. Time to go cold turkey in every way - thoughts, feelings, contact, job, etc. - if you want your marriage to work...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I totally agree with everything Mr. Lucky said. I still insist that if you think you will feel like a bast@#$ for doing it in a cowardly way you will never be able to free himself of the thoughts. This notion will always haunt him offering him NO closure, and it will only tie him to the thoughts further making it impossible for him to STOP thinking about her.

If allow yourself to be tied to her through pain you will never be able to focus on your marriage 100%. IS that what you really want?

[bish]

Not really. The OW went into this knowingly and pursued him relentlessly. He owes her nothing.

 

Well said...BOOM SHAKALAKA!!!!

[bish]

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

 

Oh for f#cks sake matt...why don't you just divorce your wife and set her free. Jesus, how selfish can one person be?

 

She deserves better and you should give her that. Let her find a man that won't f#ck her over like you are doing and obviously will continue to do.

[bish]

you do ower her that much, she was good enough to get involved with an risk losing everything over.

 

Since she isn't married, what is she risking losing besides the MM himself?

[Trialbyfire]

Since she isn't married, what is she risking losing besides the MM himself?

Well, she did exit an unhappy relationship so she could troll for an MM...

[Tomcat33]

Well said...BOOM SHAKALAKA!!!!

 

 

Jesus Bish this is not a competition to see who can throw the footbal furthest!?!? These are people's feelings we are dealing with.

 

 

some of the posts here make me wonder what really drives people to say what they do. NO ONE is saying go back with the OW, just have a little empathy with what you did is all I'm saying. THAT'S taking responsibility for your actions. You ran away from your W to seek something from an OW and now you just want to run away from the OW to do the same? Cut her out for good but do it right this time, everyone will benefit more like that. All I am saying is stop the chain of wrong doings dead in its tracks, to help EVERYONE get the better out this otherwise really horrible situation. The BS will get nothing out of Mattym remaining emotionally attached with the OW

[bish]

 

I have noticed in this thread all the women who are BSs or partake in the BS mentality are the ones telling you to further treat the OW like scum.

They are speaking form a place of prsonal hurt they are personalizing their experience with your situation, they have NO right to ask you to further destroy the OW. NO right. IT's downright MEAN.

 

Absolutely correct. The OW wanting matt to destroy his marriage and families life is of the utmost commendable attitudes.

[bish]

Well, she did exit an unhappy relationship so she could troll for an MM...

 

So I guess you could say she actually gained something.

 

Sorry, this OW isn't risking anything. She isn't losing anything but the MM himself.

[bish]

Jesus Bish this is not a competition to see who can throw the footbal furthest!?!? These are people's feelings we are dealing with.

 

 

some of the posts here make me wonder what really drives people to say what they do. NO ONE is saying go back with the OW, just have a little empathy with what you did is all I'm saying.

 

And what empathy did this OW have when she spread her legs for another woman's husband?

 

Sounds like matt's wife is a great woman and didn't give him any reason to stray other than the fact matt has been with her for a long time.

 

I couldn't imagine sleeping with a married woman ESPECIALLY if he was a great husband to her.

 

But thats the difference between some of us and those who don't care whose spouses they sleep with.