My Wife found out about me

[mattym]

Trail, I don't think Matt will be able to focus on what he has to lose (wife and or kids) until he sees the reality of it.

 

He is still mesmerized by a woman who has basically opened up the buffet for an all you can eat and is willing to pay the bill. He is still living in the fantasy of a woman that make him feel like a super hero. Reality will hit when he is knocked off his pedestal and her true colors come out.

 

It won't be pretty.

 

herenow. Reality has hit, and I feel terrible for what I have done. That's why I'm here

 

Been talking to my Wife again tonight- going to see OW tomorrow and end it officially

[ThumbingMyWay]

herenow, to answer you completely honestly- I liked the attention i got - i felt like casanova/james Bond etc all rolled into one. This girl couldn't get enough of me - would text me 20 times a day 'just woken up, thinking about you' etc etc, really 'full on' - of course i reciprocated, it felt great

 

As I said, always my gut told me ' no way would I leave home for her'

 

I can't work it out myself TBH

 

 

No you cant do it by yourself. Thats why you and your wife should get into MC and lay it all out. Express what you said here.....you dont feel appreciated, you dont feel excitment.

 

After my wifes affair....we did just that. We got the excitement back. WE started texting each other....sexy notes and what not.....we planned romantic dinners and dates.....we expressed what we wanted sexually.....

 

we took the time to reconnect as a couple.....we have several relationships now. We have our mother and father roles. We have our roles as friends and most importantly...we have our roles as husband and wife and lovers.

 

The day to day operations of being mom and dad, haveing a household, rasing kids.....we lost the marriage/lovers part somewhere.....

 

enter in my wifes OM......she got excitment...complements....ego strokes....sercret encounters.....and hot sex.....all the things WE USED to have...untill REAL LIFE took over.

 

Yuo can get all this back...if you want it....but most importantly...if you wife has the strength to endure the pain she will feel.

 

It took me a good 2 years to get over all this crap.....I aint going to lie...this will take alot of time to get back to a better place man.

 

I ahve always said my wifes affair was bittersweet. Bitter becuae it hurt so ***ing bad....but it was a sweet wakeup call for me and her. It opened our eyes to what we needed to do to make it work......everything yuo have with OW yuo can have with your wife.....it just takes work...and alot of it.....

[herenow]

herenow. Reality has hit, and I feel terrible for what I have done. That's why I'm here

 

Been talking to my Wife again tonight- going to see OW tomorrow and end it officially

 

Talk to your wife about what you will say to the OW. Make sure she is part of it. Share everything you say and do so that she can see you are attempting to be honest. Put your wife's feelings ahead of the OW where they belong. Also, why do you need to see the OW to end it?

[Trialbyfire]

Talk to your wife about what you will say to the OW. Make sure she is part of it. Share everything you say and do so that she can see you are attempting to be honest. Put your wife's feelings ahead of the OW where they belong. Also, why do you need to see the OW to end it?

An email should suffice. Beyond that, I can't see that she deserves anything more unless you have other plans.

[fisherfool]

We got the excitement back. WE started texting each other....sexy notes and what not.....we planned romantic dinners and dates.....we expressed what we wanted sexually.....

 

we took the time to reconnect as a couple.....we have several relationships now. We have our mother and father roles. We have our roles as friends and most importantly...we have our roles as husband and wife and lovers.

 

The day to day operations of being mom and dad, haveing a household, rasing kids.....we lost the marriage/lovers part somewhere.....

.

Yes this is the problem with so many. The importance of love making becomes instead the importance of family making. The sadness is the payment that must be made when lovemaking is found elsewhere. Connection must be kept between husband and wife or others will come in between.

[ThumbingMyWay]

herenow. Reality has hit, and I feel terrible for what I have done. That's why I'm here

 

Been talking to my Wife again tonight- going to see OW tomorrow and end it officially

 

 

just an observation....

 

 

this thead has been here..what 2 days????

 

and here we have a MM who can SEE thru the FOG LAND.....i think it has alot to do with males having the ability to think in a linear/logical fashion when faced with adversity.

 

No offense to women....or OW / MW for that matter....but it takes alot longer for OW to get past all the emotions and get to the crux of the matter. And I think that is evident in the threads that OW start....they go on for months before they finaly wake up and see the truth of the matter.

[fisherfool]

herenow. Reality has hit, and I feel terrible for what I have done. That's why I'm here

 

Been talking to my Wife again tonight- going to see OW tomorrow and end it officially

Do not go see. You owe other nothing. You owe wife trueness. If you go see other she will work to lure you with many things. Use the telephone.

[mattym]

Do not go see. You owe other nothing. You owe wife trueness. If you go see other she will work to lure you with many things. Use the telephone.

 

Just thought it seemed cowardly to email/phone and face to face was the more adult way to deal with it

[Trialbyfire]

Just thought it seemed cowardly to email/phone and face to face was the more adult way to deal with it

Do you want the high of her begging and possibly a last physical contact?

[mattym]

Do you want the high of her begging and possibly a last physical contact?

 

No, I just feel like a b*stard doing it online or telephone

[norajane]

just an observation....

 

 

this thead has been here..what 2 days????

 

and here we have a MM who can SEE thru the FOG LAND.....i think it has alot to do with males having the ability to think in a linear/logical fashion when faced with adversity.

 

No offense to women....or OW / MW for that matter....but it takes alot longer for OW to get past all the emotions and get to the crux of the matter. And I think that is evident in the threads that OW start....they go on for months before they finaly wake up and see the truth of the matter.

 

Well, you may see it that way, but I see a man who got CAUGHT and was forced out of the fog. D-day has a funny way of doing that to people.

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'

 

I still went back for more though

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I just feel like a b*stard doing it online or telephone

Here's a woman that cheated on her last guy and dumped her current man so she could pursue a married man. Might I ask what kind of respect she deserves?

 

You know you'll probably cave if you see her. Don't do this to your wife and children, once again.

[mattym]

Just a thought, and possible advice from any women here..

 

would it be better if you were finished with because of another woman or because of the kids? Not sure whether saying I want to be with my wife will make her feel like s*it whereas the kids may seem a softer landing, if that makes sense?

[norajane]

No, I just feel like a b*stard doing it online or telephone

 

Again, your concerns all seem to be with the OW and your feelings about yourself.

 

How would your wife prefer that you handle this? In person, phone, or email? ASK YOUR WIFE what would be best for HER in terms of what would make HER feel better.

[mattym]

Again, your concerns all seem to be with the OW and your feelings about yourself.

 

How would your wife prefer that you handle this? In person, phone, or email? ASK YOUR WIFE what would be best for HER in terms of what would make HER feel better.

 

I know, I know...just trying to minimise the repurcussions

[annabelle75]

Again, your concerns all seem to be with the OW and your feelings about yourself.

 

How would your wife prefer that you handle this? In person, phone, or email? ASK YOUR WIFE what would be best for HER in terms of what would make HER feel better.

 

In this situation I think he needs to take what is best for the OW in consideration and not make it all about his W. He lied to her and made her believe that he was going to marry her. He has made a choice to stay with his wife which is the right thing for him to do, but the OW has earned the right for him to explain it to her face or at least on the phone.

 

Both the OW and W were lied to here. He is accountable to both of them now.

[Trialbyfire]

In this situation I think he needs to take what is best for the OW in consideration and not make it all about his W. He lied to her and made her believe that he was going to marry her. He has made a choice to stay with his wife which is the right thing for him to do, but the OW has earned the right for him to explain it to her face or at least on the phone.

 

Both the OW and W were lied to here. He is accountable to both of them now.

Not really. The OW went into this knowingly and pursued him relentlessly. He owes her nothing.

[OpenBook]

Been talking to my Wife again tonight- going to see OW tomorrow and end it officially

 

The OW is a human being who has been misled and who has made a HUGE mistake in getting involved with a MM. She has simply put too many of her eggs in the wrong basket. What woman has NOT done this (or something similar to it) sometime in her life?!??

 

If she is a rational person with any sense of self-preservation, she will turn on her heel and walk away without another word when you break the news to her.

 

But it sounds more likely that she will NOT behave rationally. There will probably be tears, pleas, rants and raves.

 

And yes, it will probably take her awhile to get over it. It's excruciating to get your heart ripped out.

 

And others in the office will definitely notice her devastated demeanor.

 

Is it possible to break the news to her after work? In fact, is it even necessary to say ANYTHING to her at all? Is she still calling you or trying to talk to you at work? Isn't she aware that D-Day has already happened? Is she pressuring you for a decision? or did I miss a post or two??

 

I don't envy you, Matt, and I wish you luck with this.

[OpenBook]

Just a thought, and possible advice from any women here..

 

would it be better if you were finished with because of another woman or because of the kids? Not sure whether saying I want to be with my wife will make her feel like s*it whereas the kids may seem a softer landing, if that makes sense?

 

I would tell her the truth - that you realized you still love your W, and you have made the decision to stay and work on the M for the sake of your family. In other words, YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

 

Express your sorrow to her that you involved her in your "mess" - tell her she deserves to find someone who will be able to love her fully and unconditionally, and that unfortunately you cannot be that man.

 

And then, gently but firmly tell her about you and your W's conditions - e.g., NC, no emails, no calls,... It's gotta be cut off completely. It's OVER.

[mattym]

The OW is a human being who has been misled and who has made a HUGE mistake in getting involved with a MM. She has simply put too many of her eggs in the wrong basket. What woman has NOT done this (or something similar to it) sometime in her life?!??

 

If she is a rational person with any sense of self-preservation, she will turn on her heel and walk away without another word when you break the news to her.

 

But it sounds more likely that she will NOT behave rationally. There will probably be tears, pleas, rants and raves.

 

And yes, it will probably take her awhile to get over it. It's excruciating to get your heart ripped out.

 

And others in the office will definitely notice her devastated demeanor.

 

Is it possible to break the news to her after work? In fact, is it even necessary to say ANYTHING to her at all? Is she still calling you or trying to talk to you at work? Isn't she aware that D-Day has already happened? Is she pressuring you for a decision? or did I miss a post or two??

 

I don't envy you, Matt, and I wish you luck with this.

 

She knows my wife found out, and her response was that we shouldn't communicate for a week to give me time to talk to her. She's since told me she feels 'saturated' with guilt over possibly breaking up a family so I'm partially hopeful she'll be pleased I've decided to stay

 

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

[silktricks]

I know, I know...just trying to minimise the repurcussions

 

Gawd, does THIS sound familiar. You need to stop worrying about the repurcussions from the OW and start worrying about the state of mind of your wife. Just how long do you want her recovery to take, do you care? Are you so blinkin' sure that she's forgiven you that all you worry about is if the OW is going to come shooting?

 

Or is it that you're afraid that the OW will come and tell your wife some truths that so far you've avoided?

 

Just, please, tell the truth. . . to both women. Do NOT go meet the OW. Phone or email works just fine. If what you want to communicate is that the affair is over, then for heaven's sake let it BE over. Show that it's over by not meeting her (and letting her get you in the sack one last time.)

[whichwayisup]

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

 

But you can control it. DO NOT put the OW ahead of your wife's feelings. The OW KNEW going in you were married, she isn't stupid at all, she KNOWS what she's doing... Tell her you made a mistake by getting involved, but it is over. That is it. You don't owe her anymore than that. After you end it with her, NO MORE conversations with her, because if you 'talk' to her at all, it just opens the door for MORE conversations she'll want with you, or to try to convince you to lose the wife/kids and be with her.

 

Go read more threads in the OW/OM section. You'll notice a pattern very similar to yours...

 

Good luck and please, quit your job NOW too. By doing this it will show your wife you mean business and want to make the changes to gain her trust and faith in you again.

[Ladyjane14]

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

 

If you led OW down the garden path, all you can do at this point is to apologize and then maintain NC vigorously so as not to introduce additional drama and confusion. Unless you want to end up stuck with her by default, that is.

 

All this time... EVERYTHING you gave to the OW, you stole off your wife's plate, starving your marriage of the intimacy it needed. Your wife didn't know about it then, but she sure as hell knows it now. She'll be watching, and one false move could cost you the opportunity to keep your marriage and family intact. Do NOT drain energy from the marriage if you want to have any hope of saving it.

 

Ask your wife how she wants this handled, and unless she's recommending homicide or something equally crazy... follow her lead. A betrayal as serious as adultery can easily cost you your marriage. But if you compound that initial betrayal with lies and continued secrets, you can no longer step back and say you got carried away and made a big mistake, can you? You'll have stepped into the realm of deliberation.

 

You know, lots and lots of couples make it through an initial betrayal. It's the continuation of lies and deceit AFTERWARDS that often results in divorce. If you want to save your marriage... NEVER TELL ANOTHER LIE.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

She knows my wife found out, and her response was that we shouldn't communicate for a week to give me time to talk to her. She's since told me she feels 'saturated' with guilt over possibly breaking up a family so I'm partially hopeful she'll be pleased I've decided to stay

 

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

 

Matt, I think it IS a grown up thing to tell someone that you have shared your life with, some of your dreams with, to their face. I also think the MORE honest you are with the OW, the less painful it is for her.

 

You shared emotion with her. You were initmate with her. At your own admission, you agreed with her dreams and "strung her along" in a way, when really you knew you would never leave your W and family.

 

She knew she got involved with a MM, yes. So she has her part to play in the guilt. But she doesn't deserve to be thrown under a bus for it.

 

I LOVE my MM. With all my heart. Hearing honestly from him, knowing he resepcted me enough to tell me face to face, would deplete my initial anger and hurt, not increase it. Getting an email from him telling me this would have destroyed me - I put blind faith into him, while he helped me build my dreams of the future.

 

I think it shows compassion. You're on a forum for those who have had the pain of infidelity from the wayward spouses. Take a look over on the Other Woman board and see the pain inflicted on OW by their MM.

 

Tell her honestly and truthfully that you want to remain in your M and cannot contact her again. You've inflicted pain on both women - both have not known your real intentions and it is fair that you are now honest with them both. I really do think that it will help your OW move on with her life if you're honest and you end the relationship respectfully and with dignity.

 

Then apply that same dignity to your W and work on yourself and your M. I also agree that leaving work is your first priority. Working with an ex-OW does not give your chance to focus on healing herself. It just re-inforces the possible contact with OW.

[herenow]

Just a thought, and possible advice from any women here..

 

would it be better if you were finished with because of another woman or because of the kids? Not sure whether saying I want to be with my wife will make her feel like s*it whereas the kids may seem a softer landing, if that makes sense?

 

I think that many men take the easy way out and tell the OW that they stay for the kids. There are so many OW on this board that insist that if the MM didn't have kids they would leave their wife and be with the OW.

 

If you use the "kids" excuse, she will believe just like many other OW, that you love her and would rather be with her. If you don't make it clear that you are staying with your wife because you love your wife, she may still try to pursue a relationship with you.

 

My question to you is, are you ready to do whatever is necessary to make your marriage work? If so, then talk to your wife about how you plan to deal with the OW. Make sure she is on board with everything. If she wants you to send an email, send an email. If she says you can phone the OW, make the call with your wife beside you. This is your first chance to show your wife you are committed to making things work.

 

Stop thinking about how the OW feels and figure out a way to get her out of your life as easy as possible. In my opinion that would be to let her know you made a mistake, it's your fault that you had an affair (don't blame the OW or your wife) and you need to focus on fixing your marriage. You love your wife and you can no longer have contact with the OW.

 

As I have said before, she will be angry no matter what you do, so take the blame and move on. No contact is the only way. If you even give this woman the idea that you have feelings for her, she will try everything in her power to get you to pay attention to her. This puts you and your family in a bad situation.

 

Have you looked up borderline personality? I think it would help you understand who you are dealing with. It may also help you decided how to handle the situation. Again, this is just my opinion, so take what you want from it.