We're all done

[mammax3]

Amazingly, my marriage ended quietly yesterday afternoon when I finally let go.

 

I've been asking for counselling, looking for more clues to the OW, talking to family, and trying to ignore the sounds that my heart was making. H is home for 3 days, and I was trying to figure out what I can do to make him want to stay, rather than try to figure out why he wants to leave. And I wasn't trying to figure out what I really really wanted. We've been together for 10 years, how could I not want to stay together? I'm pregnant with our third baby, how could I let him leave?

 

We had two nights of pretty intense conversations, and each night I left thinking that I had changed his mind with my logic and rationalization. Relieved. But on the last morning he was here, I started to panic and lose my cool. We raised our voices and expressed our frustrations at the lack of listening we were each doing. He left to go out for a few hours, and during that time the pieces were slowly pulling together. And when he came in after that, the final piece showed the puzzle completed. And I bawled. We aren't really meant to be together, as desperately painful as that is.

 

And so I let go. I'm not denying myself the right to happiness that he or I deserve. I thought we were happy, but we were just satisfactory. And although I do believe that his constant travelling over the years (just not as intensely as now) has added to our mediocre marriage, it's also because we did get married too young and piled on all the 'serious' stuff very quickly without seeing how we were adjusting - or not adjusting, really. We were extremely well suited as a young bf/gf couple, but not as a mature child raising couple with the demands of house and 'adults'. And we could have had an acceptable marriage, if we settled for each other, it would have been SO unfulfilling for each of us that one of us would have turned to a full blown affair that possibly would have destroyed us and the kids. Right now we're okay. We were more comfortable yesterday together than we have been in a long time, and I didn't see that. There was so much that I didn't see because I didn't want to, nor did I want to lose the marriage, and the partner I thought I had.

 

I'm quite sad, but confident in our decision, and I'm glad I was able to see this and not just get pulled through on the end of his rope. There is lots that we don't know - will he come home for the baby's birth? When will tell the other kids? How will we arrange finances? How often will he come 'home' now? but I guess those questions will get answered. There's this crazy time crunch of the baby's EDD, that's adding to these worries. We have no insurance and I will not be able to pay for our hospital etc... so we need to kick it up higher and faster than if I wasn't pregnant.

 

I know I'm strong enough to handle all this. I've been managing my two kids and my house on my own for a while now. I've got a steady support system that is already rallying around me and the kids. It's the new baby that's got me concerned for the next few months as I adjust to a new baby again (please understand that in NO WAY am I unhappy I've got this baby. Really. I think kids are a blessing, but I do not want any more!!) and the added stresses that they bring.

 

And as always, I'm glad that LS is here and I'm able to voice all my thoughts and feelings here.

 

Thank you. Just wanted to update all you who have been riding this out with me for the past two weeks or so.

[hurting_in_nw]

I wish you the best mammax and I'm glad you have a support system in place to help you with everything. I do think it's pretty s**ty that he won't try to make things work or do counseling, especially with a baby on the way. I'm so sorry and I hope everything works out for you and your kids.

[mammax3]

Is it just a panicky phase that am I in? Aah! I don't want to break up! I want us to go to counselling. I think this is just one trip up in our road. I read a line in a book about how people think one crisis is the end of the marriage. Maybe it's not for us. Ugh... I don't want to go crying to him, but what if he's feeling this way too but neither of us want to say anything to each other? Is this a fleeting moment of insanity??

 

We didn't even TRY to make it work! Aren't marriages supposed to be hard work sometimes? How do I know if this is the end or just a 'test'?

 

Aah! I'm freaking out!

[Ladyjane14]

We didn't even TRY to make it work! Aren't marriages supposed to be hard work sometimes? How do I know if this is the end or just a 'test'?

 

 

You don't know until you try. And frankly, there are no guarantees even if you do. But I do think that it requires commitment if you want a chance. After all, the only thing that happens when you go at something half-assed is that it comes out half-assed.

 

Reconciliation is difficult, and it's messy, and it puts a person through the wringer emotionally. So too is divorce. But let's put all that aside for a minute.

 

Your very first post was quite ambivalent towards the marriage. You weren't even sure if you loved your WH or not. Couldn't it be that you are just too EXHAUSTED to make this decision right now? You're just a few weeks shy of giving birth. You've got two little ones to manage. And NO HELP at home. Meanwhile, your husband has flaked-the-f*ck-on-out.

 

Who wouldn't be flustered at this point?

 

You know, the first thought I had when you opened your thread is that 'he played you like a violin'. You're vulnerable right now, honey. And you haven't been given enough time to think about what YOU want.

 

He's not going to GIVE you time either. You're going to need to TAKE it from him. Just tell him "No... I'm not ready to make a decision yet." And if he gives you any crap about it... hey, call his mother and rat him out.

[mammax3]

Oh LJ! Thanks...

 

I seem to bounce from remembering our relationship and wanting it back (normal, I'm sure) to remembering the feelings I had over the last week and remembering the things he's said and then feeling glad that it's over. And it's so confusing to add the kids and this new baby...

 

I'm really glad I had the control NOT to call him while I was so panicky and antsy this afternoon. I told him I'd call him after my prenatal next week to tell my due date, and I'm trying to strictly hold on to that. Not to call unless it's some sort of strange emergency. I can't go completely NC, since we do have kids, and stuff, but I'm quite concerned that I'll say something I'll later regret (I guess that *is* the point of NC )....

 

About reconcilliation, it would be messy since there'd be a whole lot more to clean up than just this separation part - our marriage was flawed, as evidenced by the fact that he could easily walk away. We'd have to go back so far, and what's the chance that we could do that while having a new baby? Without me going crazy, I mean. You're right, LJ about feeling vulnerable and exhausted. I've barely been sleeping or eating right for over 2 weeks now. At one hand I do want to just wait and say, OK! Stop! Let's discuss this in 6 months after the baby's come and I'm feeling more adjusted. But the other side is I'm so nervous that something crazy bad will happen in that 6 months that i want to get it all pinned down at least a bit so I know that I've got some security.

 

<sigh> and nothing I'm reading quite applies to my situation since he's been gone (essentially) for so long. And he seems quite okay with being out of our lives - and that hurts so much.

 

I'm wavering about telling his mom. I'm afraid it'll cause too much friction between him and I, since I know she'd tell him... But it's not like I'm lying, since it is the truth and I would point out that he said they're just friends... but all those phone calls at all hours of the night etc. She'd see that, I'm sure. Is that just vindictive or vengeful? I am trying to maintain some civility here.

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm really glad you're here on LS and I can post when I need to... Thank you.

[azianpride143]

Hang in there. I really don't know what to say. I feel for you. Right now is not the time to deal with your relationship. Focus your time on your baby. Your baby needs you. Think of your kids and what you have control over. Do what your doing by limiting contact with him. It will help you get stronger. LS has helped a lot of folks here get through it all. I am one of them. We'll be rooting for you and will be here for you to give you strength and advice. Remember you are not alone.

[mammax3]

Thanks AP. I think what you said was great. It's comforting to know that there is someone rooting for you, and that there's a place to come and vent and stress without involving the SO and regretting later what was said.

[Gunny376]

You don't know until you try. And frankly, there are no guarantees even if you do. But I do think that it requires commitment if you want a chance. After all, the only thing that happens when you go at something half-assed is that it comes out half-assed.

 

Reconciliation is difficult, and it's messy, and it puts a person through the wringer emotionally. So too is divorce. But let's put all that aside for a minute.

 

Your very first post was quite ambivalent towards the marriage. You weren't even sure if you loved your WH or not. Couldn't it be that you are just too EXHAUSTED to make this decision right now? You're just a few weeks shy of giving birth. You've got two little ones to manage. And NO HELP at home. Meanwhile, your husband has flaked-the-f*ck-on-out.

 

Who wouldn't be flustered at this point?

 

You know, the first thought I had when you opened your thread is that 'he played you like a violin'. You're vulnerable right now, honey. And you haven't been given enough time to think about what YOU want.

 

He's not going to GIVE you time either. You're going to need to TAKE it from him. Just tell him "No... I'm not ready to make a decision yet." And if he gives you any crap about it... hey, call his mother and rat him out.

 

You come across as a stong willed, strong minded person. Weak-minded isn't one of the terms I would use to describe you. With two little ones and being pregno ~ I'd tell him to go pound sand in his ass ~ I'll get divorced when I'm damn good and ready! Right now, I'm too busy having your baby!

 

Me? I wouldn't give a damn if you loved me or not ~ I'd be "manning~the~f**K up! And doing what I had to take care of my wife and children!

 

I wouldn't throw the towel in the ring just yet! Give it time!

[mammax3]

Since I started reading your posts here Gunny they have stayed with me about the "manning up" and being a man. There are many ways in our life together that he really hasn't been a man - in many different ways. I kept hoping that he would become one on his own, or read about it to help him develop what he needed (in terms of fatherhood, maintaining a house, etc) or to talk to other men. The problem was he is one of the first of his friends to become a "family man" and his own models of what constitutes a 'family man' were fairly dysfunctional - or at least not suited to his personality.

 

I definitely agree with your "how to be married" classes and seminars and stuff, since as i've mentioned elsewhere we were good as a gf/bf couple, but not as a long term married with kids couple. In short, how to be a man to my kids, and to a wife.

 

He's still a great person and has a lot to offer. But the MC wouldn't work since we'd have to go back as far as how to be a man (and woman, I'm sure I need some help too - but I'd be prepared to try etc) not just how to get the marriage back on the tracks. I'm skeptical it EVER was on the tracks!

 

The part that really breaks my heart is his absense for the last 8 months or so has really numbed him to missing us. He doesn't know how terrific his kids are, or how great it is to wake up beside someone who loves you (that's me, not the potential OW!!) and how satisfying it can be to hear your family say thank you! What a great job fixing the fridge! He's lost that and he doesn't think he wants it back - doesn't think it's here for him.

 

I'd love you, Gunny, to talk to him and say "Man the f*ck UP!" and have him say, Ok, How?! since there isn't any one man in his life who would say that and then go on to show him how. No one he respects enough to help him through this by showing him. So it's sad. And add the P.OW who's showing him a great, kid-free time with all the freedoms and whatever else and there's no incentive to come back.

 

These are some of the reasons that I've "let go" as I said at the beginning. I don't want this man to teach my children how to become a man like him. We have 'grown' apart in that he doesn't fulfill the needs I have as a wife and mother.

 

I read in a book I bought about separating that the 'leaver' hurts just as much as the 'left' but I don't know if it's true in our situation. I think that hurt could have helped him see how much we still need him in our lives, and what he could do to try MC. And how terrible for me to think that I wish he did?

 

Thanks for reading again. Each time I write (even in those panicky moments! ) I feel more clear and each time I read I gain more insight and perspective.

[Ladyjane14]

But the MC wouldn't work since we'd have to go back as far as how to be a man (and woman, I'm sure I need some help too - but I'd be prepared to try etc) not just how to get the marriage back on the tracks.

 

You're making assumptions, sweetie.

 

I can tell you spend ALOT of time in your head... thinking things through. But you can't know what the future holds until it's here. And you shouldn't limit the possibilities it might hold. Better to leave open ALL the doors and windows of opportunity until you KNOW what you want.

 

And you know what?.... it's perfectly okay for you to take your time figuring out what that is. You've got alot on your plate. Don't let other people rush you... and certainly don't let it be YOU who rushes you.

 

Step one is figuring out what YOU want. Don't impose limitations on that. A dream is, after all... anything you want it to be.

[sumdude]

 

I read in a book I bought about separating that the 'leaver' hurts just as much as the 'left' but I don't know if it's true in our situation. I think that hurt could have helped him see how much we still need him in our lives, and what he could do to try MC. And how terrible for me to think that I wish he did?

 

 

Here's a link to an online article that seems pretty spot in some ways for a lot of situations.

 

Check out the whole website, it's been helpful to me.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html

[mammax3]

LJ, you said, "I can tell you spend ALOT of time in your head... thinking things through. But you can't know what the future holds until it's here. And you shouldn't limit the possibilities it might hold. Better to leave open ALL the doors and windows of opportunity until you KNOW what you want.

 

And you know what?.... it's perfectly okay for you to take your time figuring out what that is. You've got alot on your plate. Don't let other people rush you... and certainly don't let it be YOU who rushes you."

 

And honestly, you made me want to cry. I don't know WHAT i want! And it's killing me. I bounce and bounce and flip and flop and can't settle on anything. I've been with this man my whole adult life, I (thought) we knew each other better than anyone. How could I not want to work it through? How could I doubt my decision to marry and have kids with him? And then I think, he's showing some colours that I didn't know existed in there, maybe he's not the man for me. But what is my alternative (oh my, did i just say that? ) and maybe that's where I am right now.

 

I'm trying not to look too far into the future since there *is* no way to tell. But I am scared. I am anxious about the loneliness that is waiting for me. I don't want to lose myself in my children, but where is the line that stops me? I thought it was in my H. But maybe it never was (just thinking out loud now...) since he isn't what I thought he was. Maybe I do want out of the marriage too, but I'm scared to admit it, out loud, for real. I just really wish (I'd have a big but) he'd waited til after the new baby. I'm pretty angry about that. Just 6 months, let me adjust. Come home. See what we've got. Jeez, I'm such a freak. I've totally contradicted myself in the same thought line. Sheesh.

 

Sumdude, I've got that link in my favourites listed as "Sumdudes pages" I've referred to the ones you've linked, but not looked around too much in there. Thanks for the link, the leavor doesn't have it as easy as I thought, but H was more prepared than I was.

[Ladyjane14]

...since he isn't what I thought he was.

 

Honey, we ALL think that. When our partner spazzes out... the first thought we all have is that we NEVER really knew him.

But that's NOT always true. It wasn't true in my case, and I felt just the same way you do.

 

It's kind of like if somebody gave you a strong drug... the effects are unpredictable, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't still YOU.

Same thing with a WS. He's on a strong drug. It doesn't mean he's not who you thought he was.

 

Please... TAKE some time. Don't let him push you into something you're not ready for. You are NESTING sweetie.... trying to get everything 'just so' for your down-time with the baby. That's completely natural. We ALL do it. But you can't have EVERYTHING "just so" without making mistakes right now. These decisions on the marriage need to wait.

 

Worry instead about who's going to help you with the older kids and how you're going to get enough rest. That's ALL you need to face today. This other sh*t can wait until later.

 

Tell you what I did which REALLY bonded me and my mother-in-law. I asked her to come and stay for a week when I had my youngest. She attended the birth, and had a blast managing the household while I was healing. Let me tell you... it wouldn't hurt a THING for this boy to have to face his own mother for a week while she's falling in love with that new grand-baby.

[Gunny376]

Let me set you straight right here and freaking now Missy!

 

You're not a freak!

 

You're not a mistake!

 

You're not a malfunction of life!

 

You can clear your head of that way of thinking RIGHT HERE, AND RIGHT NOW!

 

NO MA'AM! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GO THERE!

 

There ain't no freaking way!

 

Did it ever cross your mind that the purpose of your life was to be the Great, great, great, great grandmother of the guy or gal that finds a cure for cancer, AIDS, world peace?

 

Did it ever cross the mind of the grandparents of Condice Rice that she would one day become the first woman Sec of State? That the grandparents, let alone the great-great parents of Collin Powell would one day become the Joint Chief of Staff? Did it ever cross the minds of the parents of Bill Clinton that he would become the President of the United States?

 

You're allowed one pity party per divorce ~ you've had yours ~ time to get busy! Time to get living! Either get busy living ~ or get busy dying! Just that plain ~ just that simple!

[mammax3]

One of my kids woke up, and i haven't been able to fall back asleep. And it's not because I heard Gunny's post from all the way over here!

 

I am getting mad at him. He wouldn't show this much disloyalty to a friend or an employer. He's not being a man, and he's bailing on the life that he and I created. He's bailing on his kids and he's bailing on his family. The first few hard strokes on the oars and he's jumping ship rather than trying to figure out a better way to row. Do I want a man like this?? And do I want him to leave? Do I think he could do better with some guidance? Do I think he'll regret this choice?

 

I figure it's not like I'm pushing him out the door if I tell him all this, so where's the harm? It's not ok for him to feel bad, that's only reserved for me? No way! If I make him mad, fine. It's not as though I'm lying or being mean for the sake of being mean. If these are the things that his dad is not saying, and his mom won't say, then who else to say it??

 

Gunny, actually yes, I have thought all those things (except for the malfunctioning bit, but the mistake in terms of this marriage) but not once have I questioned my kids. They may end up being any one of those things. They may not. But they bring a joy and fullness to my life and those around them that I have never known before and if that's *all* they bring to this world, then that's enough for me. They don't need to be more than that (ok, well, I'd like them to be capable strong and good men).

 

LJ, I guess they can wait. I'm not a stalking cat kind of person. It makes me crazy that this is going on, and I'm having a hard time trusting the fates that this is either the way it's supposed to go, or he'll come back to me when he's ready to. I want to shake him up and wake him up to what he's doing - but maybe I'm not supposed to. Sheesh. Welcome to life inside my head.

 

I'm glad I posted tonight. It was eating me up, laying there trying to force these thoughts out so I could relax enough for sleep. I've told him that I'll call him next week, and I intend to wait until then. But what good will the rant from above do to him, do you all think? He seems firm in his conviction, but is it possible that he thinks he is currently being a man? Does he think that the next time things are tough he'll suddenly learn how to row harder/differently? I want to trust the fates, but I'm wondering how much I have to put in to get something out?

[Gunny376]

Ooooooraaahhhh! (That's Marine-speak for outstandingly ~ outstanding!)

 

All I can tell you is that being from L.A. {Lower Alabama} and having lived in North and South Carolina and Texas most of my life ~ most of the women I know from the South in your situation (two kids and pregno) would be like:

 

"What do you mean your leaving? You might limp away (after he's been shot) or even crawl away, but you won't be walking!" (Of course Alabama is sixth in the nation for homocide and divorce ~ wonder if there's a co-relation? }

 

I'd let him have a piece of my mind ~ what's he going to do? Leave you pregno with three children to raise?

 

Gunny, actually yes, I have thought all those things (except for the malfunctioning bit, but the mistake in terms of this marriage) but not once have I questioned my kids. They may end up being any one of those things. They may not. But they bring a joy and fullness to my life and those around them that I have never known before and if that's *all* they bring to this world, then that's enough for me. They don't need to be more than that (ok, well, I'd like them to be capable strong and good men).

 

I really liked that! :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:

 

Raise them like the "Sons of Katie Elder" ~ John Wayne movie!

[Ladyjane14]

I am getting mad at him. He wouldn't show this much disloyalty to a friend or an employer. He's not being a man, and he's bailing on the life that he and I created. He's bailing on his kids and he's bailing on his family. The first few hard strokes on the oars and he's jumping ship rather than trying to figure out a better way to row. Do I want a man like this?? And do I want him to leave? Do I think he could do better with some guidance? Do I think he'll regret this choice?

 

I figure it's not like I'm pushing him out the door if I tell him all this, so where's the harm? It's not ok for him to feel bad, that's only reserved for me? No way! If I make him mad, fine. It's not as though I'm lying or being mean for the sake of being mean. If these are the things that his dad is not saying, and his mom won't say, then who else to say it??

 

I don't think it's necessary to hold back on what you have to say. What I think is that you ought to hold off on making a decision to cooperate with a divorce until YOU decide it's what you want. Look him right in the eye and tell him you'll discuss it with him in six months when you've recovered from the birth... and in the interim, he needs to get his sorry ass back home and ACT LIKE SOMEBODY.

 

Personally, I'm very much with Gunny on this. My stance is... "You might limp away or crawl away, you pussy... but you damn sure won't be walking tall".

 

Now, I don't mean that in a literal way.. more a figure of speech. But if my husband wanted to divorce me and have ANY small hope of my cooperation in that endeavor... he'd wait until I was ready. Otherwise, I'd fight him down to the last little bit of tupperware in the house just for sh*ts and giggles.

 

He knows fully well that I'm not afraid of living poor. I've done it before. And I'd rather work three jobs JUST to pay the lawyer than to let him screw me over and then mosey on about his business. Some might call it vindictive... but what I like to call it is... "ZERO-TOLERANCE-FOR-F*CKING-UP-MY-LIFE-YOU-BASTARD". :p

 

This "zero tolerance" policy has been a mutual thing in our marriage. I've never pulled the 'walkaway-wife' number on him, even though there were times when I was sincerely tempted. I've never messed around. Because we don't come back from that sort of thing in THIS household. We don't get do-overs when it comes to stomping the other guy down like a grape.

 

This, I think, is what stopped him from going through with some poor decisions a while back. If he had... he knew it would be permanent.

 

You may well decide that you DON'T want this guy. And that's your prerogative. He's already EARNED 'a boot in the ass' and 'the door slamming in his face'. But I REALLY think you ought to wait for a while before you make that decision. You're just too vulnerable right now.

[Gunny376]

Got to love Southern Women! I guess it comes from a tradition of having to fight off Yankees and Indians while their men-folk were off from home.

 

I'm with LJ on this ~ I wouldn't be thinking about anything except my children and your yet to be born child.

 

You don't make life-alterting decisions when you're going through life-alterting events! You just don't!

[mammax3]

Really, you guys rock!

 

I guess it's not only him who has to find his balls! I know I've got mine somewhere...

 

"You don't make life-alterting decisions when you're going through life-alterting events! You just don't!"

 

For some crazy reason, I don't think I've fully absorbed the truth of that statement until right now. I can't really see what choice he's leaving me (given that he's come to me and told me he wants to leave etc) but I do think that I get to say too. And I don't think I should be making any decisions... I can't believe that it's taken me this long to really realize that.

 

"I don't think it's necessary to hold back on what you have to say. What I think is that you ought to hold off on making a decision to cooperate with a divorce until YOU decide it's what you want. Look him right in the eye and tell him you'll discuss it with him in six months when you've recovered from the birth... and in the interim, he needs to get his sorry ass back home and ACT LIKE SOMEBODY. "

 

I wish he would... If for NO other reason than to help me with the childcare in the time following the birth. I'm sure he's got enough saved to take a 'vacation' for a little while. He may not want to... but this *is* still his child.

 

I'm going to heavily borrow LJ's and Gunny's shoes tomorrow when I talk to him. The worst he can do to me is divorce me, and leave me pregnant and alone with the kids and house ! Both his family and mine will support me in whatever way we need until the courts can detail his a**.

Thank you guys. I feel that I'm getting stronger about my role in this relationship, and ready to play on his field.

 

Alright! Gimme an oorah and *I'm* walking tall!

[Gunny376]

oooooOOOOOORaaahhhh!

 

Gezzzz! I'm glad LJ and I aren't married to each other! It ever came down to a divorce ~ there'd be a killing for sure! Probally ME!

 

By the time all was said and done ~ all you'd need would be a mop, a bucket and a preacher to say the last rites!

 

I'm not saying go "ape" on the guy ~ but I'd be letting his azz know that he's got responsibilities and obligations to you and hisi children!

 

And its like "Steve" told "Hellen", when all is said and done? There just ain't no telling? And when it comes to this guy your married to? Sounds as though when all was said and done? There was more said than done!

Talk is cheap! When it comes down to it? I want to see you walk the "walk"

 

You need to get a little "Texan" in you. When my baby sister came down with a brain tumor, and had little chance of living she told the Drs, "I'll die when I get damn good and ready and not a moment sooner!" Sure enough she beat it ~ and is a medical miracle. That's what you need to tell the DH! I'll get divorced when I get good and damn ready! And not a moment sooner!

 

You think I'm hard corps and a hard azz? You don't want to cross my two Texas sisters and Mama! You'd soon as try to shave a Bobcat with a rusty jagged razor and give them a bath in rubbing alcohol than cross paths with them! They'd go for your azz, sure and certain!

[smartgirl]

I felt so bad to see you shift into this forum -- though I understand why.

 

Agreed with all -- this is not the time to make life altering decisions!!! I can't believe he is such a piece of crap that he is willing to leave you pregnant with two kids.

 

Tell him, in a calm and serene way, that he must stay with you and the kids until 6 months after the baby is born. He can sleep in another room, but he has to be there to help -- which he has not been.

 

He is a wus and frankly, in the long term I think you will best be rid of him. But that is beside the point. He has responsibilities. You should get him to go to a counselor that specializes in divorces. All that being said, once you let him go the OW will put full pressure on to marry. Since he is clearly an avoider that may shake things up there. He may ultimately have second thoughts. Doesn't mean you should take him back.

 

I am working on forgiving my H for his A but he is working hard to help me do that. But religion aside, don't forgive him and take him back if he plans to stay the same way he is. You have pretty much done ok without him, and you will be able to continue to do so.

 

Tell him if he doesn't stay, you will need to widen your support network and will be bringing his parents into the loop. I hope he didn't get his ways from them!

 

SEE A LAWYER TOMORROW and make sure all your assets are secured. You must make sure you and the children are taken care of.

[mammax3]

I just need to talk this out ...

 

He's been making plans to become more permanent out there (cars, apts etc) and this is really shaking my secret hopes that he'd come to his senses. He hasn't told me any of this... yet? I have no idea if he plans to. It is slowly becoming real to me that this man really is leaving me with the kids and all the other sh*t. Is this the Mr. Reality that I've heard so much about? I don't think that I can tell him to come home, since he's making all these plans, I think he'll tell me to piss up a rope. What do I say to that? These are your kids too, come and be a man? And he says, No. And my response... Ok. ? Well, I don't want to decide to divorce yet, and he says, Too Bad. I've already decided.

 

My resolve to tell him that he's being a sh*tty dad and husband and man is still strong, but I'm nervous that I'll falter at the gates and I'll be left more frustrated and angry with myself for not being the person that I want to be. Argh...

 

But I am beginning to feel that unless he did agree to MC, I wouldn't even care for him to come back, since I don't want him to 'raise' my kids in this half-assed, too scared to row kind of way I'm now seeing him (and saying that 'out loud' is pretty scary... since I have to take part ownership of the separation, instead of the partner who wanted it to work still - does that make sense?)

 

His mother still doesn't know about the OW. Is this a piece in my pocket? The book I'm reading talks about how after a separation/divorce it's important to 'find yourself' since so much of yourself has been spent for the other person. I'm beginning to see how much I filtered my emotions and reactions through him, and I'm not really my own person.

 

Gunny, "You don't want to cross my two Texas sisters and Mama" - where do they get their resolve (or confidence, or shutzpah or whatever?). Really, I'm asking. I am so nervous to confront him and I don't know why (that's said without so much as a trace of whining, I swear) since I feel that the only thing i'd be losing is my false sense of hope that he'll come back (whihc begs the earlier Q of Do I want him back?)...

[annabelle75]

Its reached a point now where its just time to get angry. He is really abandoning you and the kids with out looking back. He is not a good person. Maybe he once was, but at this point in time he is just a bad man. If I were you I would tell everyone I know about the OW. He made his choice and his choice was to abandon his children and pregnant wife so he can pretend he isn't a husband or father with another woman. He is no longer worhty of you or your family. Just reading about him makes me sick.

 

Don't make this easy for him anymore. He doesn't deserve it. Let him know what a piece of sh*t he is for what he is doing to you and the kids. Once people know what he is doing, his life is going to suck.

[sumdude]

If you're sure he's already making plans involving cars, apartmets etc... Then you need to get to a lawyer NOW and get some money out of his sorry butt for spousal and child support before he spends it all! Depends on your state but separation agreements etc. usually involve such monetary matters. Don't wait for actual divorce papers to get your kids what they need and deserve.

 

What a sorry piece of dung to be leaving his pregnant wife! He does not get to move out scot free, fun and games while you sit there taking ALL the responsibilites for HIS family!

[Gunny376]

Gunny, "You don't want to cross my two Texas sisters and Mama" - where do they get their resolve (or confidence, or chutzpah or whatever?). Really, I'm asking. I am so nervous to confront him and I don't know why (that's said without so much as a trace of whining, I swear) since I feel that the only thing I’d be losing is my false sense of hope that he'll come back (which begs the earlier Q of Do I want him back?)...

 

One part being from the South, and one part from life's experiences, one part family background, and I guess just one part just having spit and vinegar in their veins.

 

But mainly I guess it comes from my Mom. She's originally from here in Alabama and grew up in a poor, poor, poor family. My grandfather on her side of the family was the oldest of seven children. My great grandparents (his parents) passed at an early age, and my Granddaddy Williams at the age of 18 took on the task of keeping the family together. He worked before sunup and after sundown. On weekends he'd go to town and play the guitar on the courthouse square. He'd get up and go work construction six days a week, having been up working in the fields before he went to work, and then coming home and working in them again until after dark. Essentially he worked construction and as a sharecropper, (we're Caucasian ~ contrary to popular belief ~ not al sharecroppers were African-American, many poor whites were as well. The term "redneck" comes from working out in the fields all day and the back of your neck getting sunburned)

 

He and my Grandmother went on to raise seven more children of their own, and lived in a four room house ~ not a four bedroom house, but a four bedroom house that didn't have in-door plumbing, a bathtub, running water. Heat was a fireplace in one room.

 

My Mom worked the fields from the time she could walk picking cotton and working peanut fields.

 

Living that kind of life ~ you don't have the luxury of letting life kick your azz. You suck it up and deal with it. Your not allowed the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself. She was taught from an early age that life is hard, and you'd best get use to it, and learn how to deal with it not to mention how to cope with it. You get knocked down ~ you get your ass back up again, you get knocked down again ~ you get back up again. And again, and again, and again. She was taught that the measure of a person isn't how many times life's knocks you on your azz, but how many times you keep getting back up again and again.

 

She was also taught that you don't take anything off of any one. You might be hard-working poor folks, but you've got your pride, and you don't let anyone walk over you. Someone jumps on you ~ you jump back. Of course coming from a large family didn't hurt any. You jumped on one, and you jumped on the whole damn clan, and you could expect the whole clan to jump back on you. I'm not just talking brothers and sisters, but 1st, 2nd, and 3rd cousins as well.

 

My Dad came from a similar family. My Mom and Dad got married, got divorced, got married again, got divorced again.

 

My Dad got custody of me, but basically dumped me off on his parents, while he chased skirt all over the country. In short he was a sex addict.

(The reason for their divorce ~ he wanted her to get into wife swapping and she being a devout Baptist would have no part of it)

 

The reason my Mom and two sisters ended up in Texas, was because after the second divorce, my Dad was in short trying to drive my Mom crazy to the point of suiciding herself. And, I mean that literally. This was back in the early Sixties ~ and he was basically stalking her 24/7.

Anyone she dated ~ lost their jobs. Even just one time. This was due to his connections with the Masons, friends, relatives, the good old boy network, and lets just say another organization that was wide spread in the late 50's and 60's in the deep South.

 

She meet a guy in the Army from Texas. They got married. He was a real life, honest to God, bull-riding, rodeo, calf roping, Texas cowboy. He to this day, (I've known him since I was six) has never said one single word to me ~ not one! And, I don't recall him ever speaking to my Mom in front of me. I think he might have said "Yep" once to her in front of me.

His idea of marriage was he come in from work, take a shower, go to the bedroom, and she would have to fetch his dinner to him, take care of all the chores, wash, dry and iron clothes ~ in short her purpose in life was to take care of him, and to wait on him hand and foot. She literally had to fetch his Lone Star beer.

 

At any rate? She passed her life experiences and lessons down to her children.

 

"Life's hard, so you need to toughen up, suck it up, and deal with it!"

 

"If your looking for sympathy, go look it up the dictionary ~ that's the only place you're going to find it!"

 

"Life's hard! Its even harder if your stupid ~ don't be stupid! Learn from your mistakes, and the mistakes of others!"

 

"Can't" couldn't ~ because "Can't never tried"

 

"You got it?! Make sure you don't forget it!"

 

"You're no better than anybody else ~ but your just as damn good an anybody else!"

 

She ended up divorcing the Cowboy. She ended up marrying a good friend of hers that was a lot older than hers, that she had known for years. He was a retired Army Major that had been a Japanese POW during WWII in the Philippines (Batan Death March).

 

He had never married, never had children, an only child He was dying and knew it. He told her, "Marry me and help me to die, and I'll leave everything to you!"

 

They were married for about four years, before he passed.

 

He left her a fully paid furnished (nice I might add) house, the condo on the beach in Galveston, the cabin up in the Texas Hill Country, Survivor's benefits from his military retirement, all his savings, IRA's etc. a good paid for car and truck, plus her own. She also got military health and dental privileges, commissary (on base grocery ~ everything wholesale, no sales tax, + 5% surcharge) PX privileges, MWR privileges, and because she was the widow of a POW the VA paid for her to go back to college and get degree in accounting, which netted her a civil service job with the Air Force which she retired from. She also got his beer joint with a well established clientele of older retired military and some rental properties (She sold it)