There's an awful lot to be said for stoic acceptance:
"This is not what I want. It is the opposite of what I want, but I will accept it, and endure the pain which comes with it."
Easier said than done, but the act of desperately trying to evade the pain only brings more pain.
So just date women who feel this way too. Not every woman likes eating out and many would probably appreciate your efforts, but if you tell a woman who is social and enjoys the atmosphere of being out to eat that you don't really like it then she's going to find you incompatible and won't want to invest more time.
Atleast she was honest with you. She even said she enjoyed it. It's just a difference in preferences.
Love or dysfunctional attachment?
There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.
Here's a little test:
"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."
If you can both meet that standard, its love.
If you can't, it isn't.
Generally speaking, when someone is obsessing about their ex, that preoccupation causes the person to neglect themselves.
Are you eating healthily?
Are you drinking enough water?
Are you exercising?
Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?
Are you getting out of the house enough?
Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?
Are you doing fun stuff, just for enjoyment?
Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?
Those are the things you need to do befo
I caught my husband cheating a month ago. I had suspected of him cheating for some time but could never prove it because he is so secretive. So, I purchased a voice recorder and finally caught him having a phone conversation with the OW.
Faced with the facts he admitted to it. But only because I confronted him with the facts. At first he tried denying the whole situation but then when I repeated every word he and the OW said to each other, he admitted to it.
I wanted to leave him but
It can get easier, and it will get easier,
IF
You summon up all your willpower and self-discipline, to do NC perfectly.
If you don't, it won't get easier, and this suffering will become a daily fact of life for you.
NC has to be 100% watertight to work.
A clip from my journal:
"No contact is about two things, and two things only:
1. It protects you from further hurt.
2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.
Thats all it is, and all it does."
Being 'In Love' is a time-limited neurochemical event.
Love on the other hand, is not time-limited, and can grow and grow over a whole lifetime.
Some relationships can progress from being 'in love' to love, but some can't.
It depends on what remains after the euphoria has worn off.
If you feel OK:
You look at the past, and the past looks OK.
If you feel bad:
You look at the past, and the past looks bad.
If you feel OK:
You imagine the future, and the future looks OK.
If you feel bad:
You imagine the future, and the future looks bad.
What that means, is that you have to find ways of making yourself feel OK in the present, so that you can have a past and future that look OK to you!
One way of looking at things, is to look at life as consisting
The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:
"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."
This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings.
No contact is about two things, and two things only:
1. It protects you from further hurt.
2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.
Thats all it is, and all it does.
If you feel bad and look at the past, the past looks bad.
If you feel good and look at the past, the past looks ok.
If you feel bad and imagine the future, the future looks bad.
If you feel good and imagine the future, the future looks ok.
Life is about how you feel now.
Nobody deserves to be abused.
Look at this list and decide for yourself if you are being abused.
1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
5. They try to control you and treat you li
No time to meditate?
Do this instead, twice a day:
1. Sit down, close your eyes, and let your awareness scan over you body, just noticing the sensations/how you feel.
2. Just sit with the feeling for one minute.
3.Tell yourself it's ok to feel that way. Feel love for yourself feeling those feelings.
Slowly open your eyes.
This takes 2-3 minutes, and will help you to feel more centred and grounded.
Learn to enjoy the ordinary.
Ordinary is good.
The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.
Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.
Decompress.
Connect – connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.
Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.
Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure
There are many valid definitions of love, but here is one to contemplate:
"Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."
Underneath that you can place this aphorism, from medicine:
"First, do no harm."
You are not the best and you're not the worst. You're good enough.
The land of the 'good enough' is a wonderful place and everything you want is there to be found.
Be bold, and reach strongly and consistently for what you want.
Fortune favours the brave.
In some instances you are loving and caring, whilst in others you are unloving and uncaring.
You love and care for your child, but you don't love or care for the person you cheat on.
You say you want to know why you cheat?
The answer to that lies in the part of yourself which you cannot accept, which you have covered with unconsciousness.
It's classically Neurotic.
If you had a unified psyche, you wouldn't flip-flop between loving and unloving, caring and uncaring.
You need to
Please do not beg and plead for her to take you back.
Please do not sit next to her crying uncontrollably.
Please do not bombard her with texts and calls.
Maintain your dignity at all times.
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You have to set them free:
"I release you to live your life the way you want to. You're free. I'm not holding you."
You don't say that out loud.
You say it on the inside.
You have to mean it.
Getting to that point takes time.
A pivotal point I came to on my own journey was the conscious decision to be authentic in all my dealings with other people.
That means being exactly the same person on the outside, as I am on the inside.
It sounds little, but it's much.
Not, "To be or not to be," but rather, "to be, or to appear to be."
That does not mean that I have no privacy. Things that only concern me, that have no impact on anyone other than me, I will keep private if that is my preference.
Toxic secrets t
We see what we see because of who we are.
What is seen depends on who is looking, why they are looking, and what they are looking for.
And then we become what we see.
