Ha...it actually happened...

[whichwayisup]

You need confidence so you can get on with your life and feel good about yourself. And so you don't get pushed around and treated like crap by ANYONE ever again.

 

You stood up and fought when Rhys said those awful things about your family. THAT was great! You stood your ground and protected your family.

 

I don't like confrontation either, I don't go looking for it, but when it happens, noone is going to push me around. And I'm not talking big fights or anything, it's just standing up for myself and not letting people take advantage or me or treat me badly.

 

Would you please consider therapy? Just some to help you see things in a new way, a healthier way.

[lovestruck234]

 

Would you please consider therapy? Just some to help you see things in a new way, a healthier way.

 

Yeah, I'm srill going to see someone. But I just need someone to talk to. That's all. Just someone I can let everything out to. I'm sick of keeping everything bottled up...

 

I don't like talking to my mum. I mean, I do, but I always feel bad afterwards thinking that I shouldn't have off-loaded onto her in the 1st place, seeing as she has enough issues of her own at the moment...

 

I just want someone I can sit down and just go..."Ok, this is everything...."

[norajane]

What do you need confidence for anyway?

 

To walk away from Rhys, a guy who's hurting you and who hasn't made you happy in a long time.

 

To feel good about yourself.

[Touche]

Why do you need self-confidence? Well you wouldn't if any of this weren't a problem for you. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

If you REALLY, deep down didn't care that he does these things to you, then you'd have no problem. You'd be care-free...no worries at all. So yeah, in THAT case what's self-esteem and self-confidence going to do for you? I agree with you...nothing.

 

BUT, but, but but....You DO care, don't you? You DO worry, don't you? You really don't like being treated that way and deep down you want a GOOD and NICE boyfriend, don't you?

 

So THAT'S why you need to develop some self-confidence and self-esteem. So that you can get out. So that you can not worry about all of this anymore and so that you can dream about WAY better things than what you have now in that loser.

 

I hope I've answered some of your questions.

[whichwayisup]

Your mom isn't the right person to talk to. She's your mom and can give you love and support, but she isn't going to give you the tools and coping skills a therapist can.

 

I am happy to hear that you want to go talk to someone to get stuff out.

[lovestruck234]

Why do you need self-confidence? Well you wouldn't if any of this weren't a problem for you. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

If you REALLY, deep down didn't care that he does these things to you, then you'd have no problem. You'd be care-free...no worries at all. So yeah, in THAT case what's self-esteem and self-confidence going to do for you? I agree with you...nothing.

 

BUT, but, but but....You DO care, don't you? You DO worry, don't you? You really don't like being treated that way and deep down you want a GOOD and NICE boyfriend, don't you?

 

So THAT'S why you need to develop some self-confidence and self-esteem. So that you can get out. So that you can not worry about all of this anymore and so that you can dream about WAY better things than what you have now in that loser.

 

I hope I've answered some of your questions.

 

Yeah...ok. You could, like, be a counsellor. You know everything. Grrrr, you're like my mum...always right.

[Touche]

Yeah...ok. You could, like, be a counsellor. You know everything. Grrrr, you're like my mum...always right.

 

I'm really not, Tess. Yes, I'm old enough to be your mom but I don't know it all. But I've been through some of this same crap. I think I mentioned my diary to you once. I used to same ALL of the same stuff you're saying now. I wish you were here so I could show you that I'm not making it up.

 

It's like opening up a book and reading about someone else but it was ME! And I see some of the same things in you.

 

Let me ask you something? Are you going to go to college? It changed my life. I hope you are. So are you?

 

And believe me, I'm messed up in my ways. We ALL are. I'm not perfect put-together person. I've talked about my problems on here. I'm still working on myself.

 

Would it surprise you to know that MOST of us have to work on ourselves our whole lives? It's true. Ask anyone. You never really stop growing. But you're only just beginning to so it feels like you're getting nowhere. Believe it or not though you ARE. You just can't see it now.

 

I think it's great you want to talk to someone. That's a great start.

 

You can talk to me too if you want. If I haven't pissed you off too much, Tess. PM me anytime and I can give you my email adress if you'd like.

 

You'll be ok. Don't worry. It's so normal to feel like I think you do now at this stage of your life and under the circumstances you're in.

[nicki]

Wow, everyone here has given such wise advice. It's obvious how much everyone here cares for your well-being.

 

I really can't add anything of value, except that I was married to an abusive guy who sounds eerily like Rhys. I even said the same sh*t you did about "not provoking him." It's the wrong way to think. You should always be able to speak your mind without fear of being hurt. The minute you realize you have to edit yourself with someone, is the time to leave a relationship.

 

Because Rhys is abusive, please be VERY careful.

 

If he would smash your head against the car window for not kissing him, then what do you think he will do if he finds out what you and Dane did?

 

I don't normally say this, but you need to LIE in order to protect your life. Don't talk to Dane about this. If he talks to you, pretend that you don't remember a thing. Act confused. Convince him you don't recall a thing.

 

Deny any accusations that might come your way about that night.

 

But, you must break up with Rhys. You just have to. There is no other way. You can't lie and go back to him. He will escalate his abusive behavior. It's a matter of time. He may even kill you someday.

 

I don't want to scare you, but I do want to warn you. Get away.

[Touche]

Great points, Nicki! I completely agree with everything including the lying part. It's called self-preservation.

 

She does need to get away. And I'll bet if her family knew about this crap, they'd probably forbid all contact with this jerk.

[crazy_grl]

ls234, please google domestic violence or absive relationships. You're in one and you need to read and see that you're saying the same things almost every abused woman says.

 

There's a site that I found a long time ago about emotional abuse that's good too. Your guy has already progressed to physical abuse, but the stuff about emotional abuse still applies, since it precedes physical abuse.

 

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

 

Get away from Rhys and Dane as quickly as you can. Glad you're going to see a counselor. Take care.

[nicki]

Yes, you are so right, Touche. Abuse always happens in the dark. Once an abuser is out in the light and people know about the abuse, the abuser's power is gone.

 

The people who love you, Tess, won't stand for it. They will help you. Please tell them. That way it's on them, not you. Blaming it on them will help you in a strange way. Trust me. I've been there.

 

Just tell them he hit you twice. Let your dad talk to him and tell him the police will be called if he ever lifts a finger to you again.

 

That's what Rhys needs, and what you need to be safe.

[lovestruck234]

Thank you Touche, nicki and crazy_grl for your advice....

 

Ugh, I don't even know what to do anymore...

 

I don't want to tell anyone. He might back off and realise what he's done seeing as I had the day off on Monday cos of my head and when I told him that I had to make up an excuse to my mum why I was staying at home, he freaked out a little bit....that might be all there is to it?? *Shrugs*...I dunno....

 

I just need someone to talk to who will listen. I can't talk to Rhys (for obvious reasons), like I said about my mum, I fell bad talking to her about it and putting more pressure on her, not really my dad cos he just gets angrier when he hears about it, and same with my sisters.

 

That's why I don't talk to anyone about how I feel. And in fact, that's why I surf everyday...it clears my head for an hour. An hour of looking back and just seeing the shoreline, and looking forward and seeing a wave forming toward you....that's it. That's all I see...I don't have to think about anything else...

 

But anyway....

[ShoeGirl]

I think someone asked you earlier, but I didn't see an answer... Are you going to college? If you are there is probably a school counselor you can see for free.

 

Have you made an appointment with someone?

[johan]

I just need someone to talk to who will listen. I can't talk to Rhys (for obvious reasons), like I said about my mum, I fell bad talking to her about it and putting more pressure on her, not really my dad cos he just gets angrier when he hears about it, and same with my sisters.

 

You have to realize that talking isn't going to achieve anything more. Everything that you need to say has been said. Everything you need to hear has been said. Repeating it won't bring a different result. You won't find a different solution. You won't be able to escape by talking. You won't feel any better than you feel right now.

 

You're going to have to stop talking about this and start doing things. As scary as that is, there's really nothing more to it. Rhys has you scared, but that doesn't make it a smart move to stay in a relationship with him. Some things in life take a lot of courage, but the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.

 

There's nothing more to say, Tess.

[lovestruck234]

I think someone asked you earlier, but I didn't see an answer... Are you going to college? If you are there is probably a school counselor you can see for free.

 

Have you made an appointment with someone?

 

No, I've already left school and am working. It's not in my desire to go to Uni or anything.

 

I wouldn't mind doing maybe a short course or something, but no, I'm not going. And don't intend to. My mum also doesn't want me to go anyway, mainly to get away from all the bullying I suffered from in high school...getting back into that sort of crowd again I know will just make me worse than what I am.

 

My mum rang me today to see how I was going and I told her that I want to go see someone. She said she wants to talk to me this afternoon when I get home and also confessed herslef that she would like to see someone as well. So I guess we could work through it together, in a way...

[lovestruck234]

You have to realize that talking isn't going to achieve anything more. Everything that you need to say has been said. Everything you need to hear has been said. Repeating it won't bring a different result. You won't find a different solution. You won't be able to escape by talking. You won't feel any better than you feel right now.

 

You're going to have to stop talking about this and start doing things. As scary as that is, there's really nothing more to it. Rhys has you scared, but that doesn't make it a smart move to stay in a relationship with him. Some things in life take a lot of courage, but the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be.

 

There's nothing more to say, Tess.

 

Ha, Johan, you have no idea the secrets and issues I have that I haven't told a single soul about...

 

 

I don't know what else to do. I thought I could escape it by not talking, and realised it would never work, adn now you're telling me that talking's not going to work?? Look, I know what you're saying, things need to be done, no more talking about it, but really, I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. With my state of mind, I'm not thinking right, I'm not deciding clearly, I'm not seeing anything clearly...

 

That's why I need someone to help me see clearer. I can't do this on my own anymore.

[whichwayisup]

That's why I need someone to help me see clearer. I can't do this on my own anymore.

 

And good for you for recognizing this Tess.

 

We're all here for you as well, and we care, alot!

[Anka]

I still think you should go to your mom and get a PPO against this guy.

 

There is all kinds of help available to you (((love)))

[Touche]

No, I've already left school and am working. It's not in my desire to go to Uni or anything.

 

I wouldn't mind doing maybe a short course or something, but no, I'm not going. And don't intend to. My mum also doesn't want me to go anyway, mainly to get away from all the bullying I suffered from in high school...getting back into that sort of crowd again I know will just make me worse than what I am.

 

My mum rang me today to see how I was going and I told her that I want to go see someone. She said she wants to talk to me this afternoon when I get home and also confessed herslef that she would like to see someone as well. So I guess we could work through it together, in a way...

 

That's great Tess. And please tell her the truth about Rhys. It's not a burden to her. She's your mom. Let her be your mother, ok?

 

Let us know how you're doing, ok?

[Sup]

You mean he really IS a sh*tty bf...lol not WAS...

 

I'm not going to say that nobody will ever find out, but my lips are sealed and I don't think Dane is stupid enough to repeat it to anyone. I seriously think Rhys would belt the sh*t out of him if he ever found out...oh, and would probably tell me to piss off as well...by the sounds of things, I don't think Dane has said anything to any of our mates...I was talking to a few of his mates on the weekend and they didn't hint anything to me, and they usually would if they knew something was up...

 

One way or the other, I'm an idiot...make mistakes and learn from them, I guess.

 

 

At least tell your soon to be ex what happened, and that you're not interested anymore, so he can get tested for STDs, after all, you DO have to tell him NOW, because you already slept with him, and exposed him. That's HIS right to know so he can be tested.

[ShoeGirl]

That's great Tess. And please tell her the truth about Rhys. It's not a burden to her. She's your mom. Let her be your mother, ok?

 

Let us know how you're doing, ok?

 

Tess, Touche is right, you really should tell your mom that Rhys has hit you, she will help you, yeah she will probably freak out, anyone who cares about you would! Someone close to you needs to know for your safety.

 

Keep us updated, we all care about you!

[Walk]

At least tell your soon to be ex what happened, and that you're not interested anymore, so he can get tested for STDs, after all, you DO have to tell him NOW, because you already slept with him, and exposed him. That's HIS right to know so he can be tested.

 

Normally I would agree, but in this situation, I think Tess's life would be placed in too great a danger. I believe Tess should hide this from Rhy's until she is far away from him. If Dane wishes to tell Rhy's after that, then fine... but I dont' feel Tess owes Rhy's an information on this.

[Ripples]

At least tell your soon to be ex what happened, and that you're not interested anymore, so he can get tested for STDs, after all, you DO have to tell him NOW, because you already slept with him, and exposed him. That's HIS right to know so he can be tested.

 

Actually, Tess could get tested, herself. There's no need for her to tell anyone unless she tests positive. If it weren't for the fact Tess would suffer herself, I'd be wishing Rhys did get something nasty.

[Sup]

Actually, Tess could get tested, herself. There's no need for her to tell anyone unless she tests positive. If it weren't for the fact Tess would suffer herself, I'd be wishing Rhys did get something nasty.

 

 

Seriously, I know I dunno who this Rhys guy is, I didn't read EVERY last post, a little long though, but I'm sure you get it. But, anyway, I did see a part where he might get violent..... against who? Tess? Why have a violent boyfriend anyway?

[crazy_grl]

Seriously, I know I dunno who this Rhys guy is, I didn't read EVERY last post, a little long though, but I'm sure you get it. But, anyway, I did see a part where he might get violent..... against who? Tess?

 

Read this post. That should answer your questions.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=995049&postcount=71

 

He's already knocked her unconscious over something completely trivial, so the threat of danger is very real.

 

Why have a violent boyfriend anyway?

 

That seems like a question with a simple answer, but Tess has a violent/abusive bf for the same reasons other abused women do. They start out the relationship with things being great. Abusers are very charming and can sweep a girl off her feet. Also, the women often mistake the possessive and controlling qualities their bfs display as a sign of caring. Once the violence and abuse starts, the woman has a hard time believing it, because it's just not the sweet and caring person she met. She blames herself and makes excuses for his behavior. "It's ok because he's sorry." "But he's such a loving person when he's not hitting me." "Everything would be ok if I just didn't make him mad. I don't see him act that way with other people, so it must be my fault." The excuses make no sense to someone not part of the cycle of abuse, but the abused person has such low self-esteem (they either started the relationship with it, had it worn down by emotional both, or both) that they accept it.

 

It's hard to leave an abusive partner. The sooner you leave the easier it is.