Author lovestruck234 Posted December 4, 2006 Author Share Posted December 4, 2006 Tess, if he hits you again - Don't say a word, just walk away. Then talk to your folks about what is going on. He may or may not hit you again, I doubt he even knows if he will...I don't think he sits and plans it, it just happens! BUT, with the help of therapy and learning to control his anger, hopefully he can change... I also don't think he plans it either... This is a HUUUUUGE step for him, and moreso, us. Like I said in my above post, he hates counsellors and therapists so by him agreeing to see one has gotta count for something...I'm very proud of him for opening up and admitting everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Please break up with him and never speak to him anymore.. at the very least pull away so he can never touch you again and never hit you again.. by the way.. this is a cycle of abuse.. read up about it.. he isn't going to fix himself.. he is sucking you back in Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 I'm very proud of him for opening up and admitting everything. Proud of what ???? that he can admit that he smacks his GF around.. that my dear is not something to be proud of.. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 And you would know, would you?? No, I'm not "just going to dump him" now. He needs me here for support and it's exactly what I'm going to give...you don't throw someone out the door right after you find out they self-mutilate. You don't just walk away from that... How convient for him. Now that you know how bad off he is, you couldn't possibly leave him now. He's probably not doing it on a conscious level, but he's doing exactly what AC said: He is trying to suck you back into his abusive triangle now that you put your foot down about the hitting.. He doesn't mean it.. he is going to continue to hit you until he either hurts you or kills you.. your pick You're being manipulated. I'm not going to tell you to walk away from him right now, because I think it'll fall on deaf ears. What you need to do though is start reading up on abuse. Go to a counselor or group on your own. Get yourself informed so you know how to handle this. Stop keeping your mouth shut about it to everyone and telling him it's ok. Abuse thrives in silence. And if he ever hits you again, LEAVE as fast a you can. That'll be the best thing you can do for him. He has to learn there are consequences to his violent behavior and by staying, you're not showing him that there are. He says he wants to get help, and that's great, but the only way he can show that he means it is by continuing to get help and by NEVER hitting you again. (Talking to you about it doesn't qualify as getting help. Not a single 17 yr old in the world can give him the help he needs. You're not equipped for it and since you're not equipped, you could likely make things worse.) Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Well it's obvious that your not going to break up with him any time soon. If your going to stick with him then you do need to like others have said read up about abuse and what not. Also know that you can't change him for the life of it. He has to want to and stick with it. He can't change over night so don't expect him too. If he truly does want to change (not so sure thought) he has to realize that what he has done is wrong, seek help like he wants to, and never hit you or anyone else again. Now I don't know him but there is a chance that he is sucking you back in like others have said too and once he seeks help, he will back off for a while and then start the cycle again. Then once it gets really bad again he will say he needs help which will start the cycle all over again. This will continue for a VERY long time for you and it will both physically and mentally break you. I know it may seems like this won't happen to me but that will be your first mistake. BTW: F**KING ABUSERS DON'T STOP JUST LIKE THAT. THEY CAN'T I shouldn't be saying this but believe me, I know about abusing, as I've witnessed it pretty much my whole life. It's not fun and it's not something to accept or play with. It does something to you and it affects you more then you could ever know. But in time you will and you'll know what I mean. Good Luck because your going to need it. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 By telling him that everything is ok, and that you'll work it out, and by staying with him, you've just relieved his guilt. That means he'll do it again, and I believe it will become worse. Each time the apology will become more pathetic. I believe you're being manipulated. You can forgive him. But you don't have to stay with him. And you shouldn't. If you understood him, you'd see that his tears and crying and all the other stuff are just ways to relieve the guilt and buy you off in between incidents. They are just ways to bridge the gap. If you think you're doing him favors by staying with him, forget it. All you're doing is reinforcing the behavior. As he gets older and keeps finding out it's not that big a deal, it will be more a part of who he is. And that will be thanks to the first woman in his life who confirmed that it was a good idea (his mom). And to his first girlfriend who told him it was ok with her (you). You're making it ok. The best help you could ever give him would be to show him that it matters to you. By taking it seriously, you'd force him to take it seriously. But you don't, so he doesn't have to. Instead all he has to do is inane things like crying like an idiot and cutting himself like a psycho, all in an effort to pull your heartstrings. If you took it seriously, you'd turn him loose. Because he's not good for you. These are things you'd never choose for someone you care about. But you choose them for yourself. Why is that? These aren't the choices of a winner. They are the choices of someone without courage. Who don't you print out this thread and take it to your dad? Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Excellent post, Johan. I really couldn't have said it better myself and I agree with you 100%. He's really damaged goods, Tess. He's grown up thinking this kind of behavior is ok and it's just SO entrenched into his being that he will most likely need years of therapy to change. I feel sorry for him. He probably has lots of issues concerning seeing his mom treated the way his dad treats her. He must feel powerless. It's very sad, really. But he's still not someone you should be with. He's toxic to you. He will bring you down with him if you stay. And yes, this WILL get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Ditto what everyone is saying. He's turned this around to be about him. It's all part of the cycle. I'm not saying he is doing it on purpose, but subconsciously he knows what he is doing. He grew up watching his dad's behavior. Do you like his mom and dad's marriage? Because that's your relationship. He might get better with therapy and a specialized batterer's program, but that's something he needs to do on his OWN. If I were you, I would tell him to call you WHEN he is finished with his program and has really changed his mindset and behavior. Until then, all you are doing is enabling his abusive behavior, even if he is in rehab. During rehab, he needs to be on his own. Anyway, I've been where you are and wasted so many years on a guy like Rhys, trying to fix him. Looking back I was co-dependent and needed help fixing that. I suspect you are. Most women who are with abusers are. It's part of the whole dance. So, please keep this about yourself, not him. Let him go. Maybe losing you will help him get treatment and make his life better. You are hurting HIM by staying with him. My abusive ex got help after our divorce. He had no choice. He had lost everything he ever loved. It was too late for us, but not for him. I'm proud that he is a better, healthier person now. And he would never have become that way if I had stayed with him. See? Leaving him is good for you, and for him. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 It's good to see nothing much has changed from when I was a young person. Just be careful, and don't forget to have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 It's good to see nothing much has changed from when I was a young person. Just be careful, and don't forget to have fun! Just curiouse what part are you talking about when you say nothing changed from when u were young? Hows she going to have fun when it comes to this specific situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 Thanks for everyone's replies.... Johan, you changed your avatar...OMG!! Just that....as much as I understand what you're all saying, and it all makes so much sense....I care about this guy so much, I would do anything for him, and right now, I am more worried about him than anything... It may be a sub-concious thing, it may be an attention thing, who knows, I don't, but right now I'm not prepared to take any risks. I want to be there for him every second of the day, no matter what. Call me an idiot for doing this but I know if I had confided in him about something like this, I would be doing it as a calling for support, not to drive him away... I made promises. *shrugs*, I don't want to break them. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Thanks for everyone's replies.... Johan, you changed your avatar...OMG!! Just that....as much as I understand what you're all saying, and it all makes so much sense....I care about this guy so much, I would do anything for him, and right now, I am more worried about him than anything... It may be a sub-concious thing, it may be an attention thing, who knows, I don't, but right now I'm not prepared to take any risks. I want to be there for him every second of the day, no matter what. Call me an idiot for doing this but I know if I had confided in him about something like this, I would be doing it as a calling for support, not to drive him away... I made promises. *shrugs*, I don't want to break them. all I have to say after hearing this is, if hitting women is wrong I don't want to be right... Link to post Share on other sites
HeadlessZebra Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 all I have to say after hearing this is, if hitting women is wrong I don't want to be right... Why is this guy still hovering around this board??? Shoo! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Why is this guy still hovering around this board??? Shoo! because this is one of the most seriouse threads out there right now dealing with a teenage girl in a relationship with an obviously violent and troubled man... and I'm bored Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 because this is one of the most seriouse threads out there right now dealing with a teenage girl in a relationship with an obviously violent and troubled man... and I'm bored Yes, but unless I'm missing something (which IS a distinct possibility) you're saying it's OK to hit a woman????? Am I the only one to interpret that that way? And if that's not what you meant then what DID you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 A part of the problem here Tess is that you have this sort of "I'll grow out of it" attitude. That often doesnt happen, what happens more frequently in these situations is the girl getting knocked up, making it even harder to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 A part of the problem here Tess is that you have this sort of "I'll grow out of it" attitude. That often doesnt happen, what happens more frequently in these situations is the girl getting knocked up, making it even harder to walk away. Yes, but not only that but the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. And also, you establish a pattern for yourself whereby you end up with the SAME kind of guy over and over. Tess needs to break the pattern NOW while she's young or she's in for a world of hurt for years and years. She can be begin to think that she deserves a guy like this and won't know any different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 A part of the problem here Tess is that you have this sort of "I'll grow out of it" attitude. That often doesnt happen, what happens more frequently in these situations is the girl getting knocked up, making it even harder to walk away. Yeah, but...*sigh*.. He's agreed to see a counsellor with me there...that is a HUGE step. Especially from someone who was so against counselling and the likes months ago... I just wanna help. That's all I want to do. I don't want to make excuses for his behaviour or accuse him of anything, I'm so sick and tired of making things more complicated...I read waaaay too much into things. I just want to help. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I just wanna help. That's all I want to do. Helping him would be dumping him.. letting him lose the control he has over you.. He has turned this whole thing around and made himself the Poor Victim. .. oh poor me.. I need help for smacking you around and hitting you.. poor me.. You might want to keep your parents in the loop.. What do you think his or your parents would think if they knew he was smacking you around ????? With all the posts from people on LS telling you how serious this is why are you not opening your ears ? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Tess the same way you want him 2 go to a counsler you should go to one to for women who have been hit and be honest about everything that has happened, please just do that atleast Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 With all the posts from people on LS telling you how serious this is why are you not opening your ears ? because she's ignorant... Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 because she's ignorant... No. It's because she's young and inexperienced and has very little self-esteem. Once upon a time I was her. Would I let a guy treat me like that NOW? NEVER! But ignorance has NOTHING whatsoever to do with it. Let's get that straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 No. It's because she's young and inexperienced and has very little self-esteem. Once upon a time I was her. Would I let a guy treat me like that NOW? NEVER! But ignorance has NOTHING whatsoever to do with it. Let's get that straight. I say alpha was blunt but right more experience with this guy isnt going to help her its the knoledge some of us are trying to give her the knowledge she will hopefuly get from a counsler that will put an end to her ignorance, she believes that if she just loves him and cheats on him and stays with him all this will get better I dont think so. Oh and by the way if he hasnt talked to you about the cheating yet be ready for a reall beating. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Stop trying to help him! It's a bad impulse. You need help and therapy ON YOUR OWN. It's a good thing to want to help the right person. It's good to be an EQUAL partner with someone who is an equal partner to you. But it's not healthy to be co-dependent and say you just want to help someone who is clearly abusive and not an equal partner. Would you help a drug abuser score his drugs and help him shoot up? That's what you are doing. Do not be fooled. It's the same thing. Do not go to therapy with him. It will only perpetuate the whole cycle. I know. I did it. Go to therapy on your own. Google "co-dependent." I think you will recognize yourself. Tess, things will escalate. If he doesn't kill you, he could bash your face in and ruin your modeling career. What do you love more than him? Make that your motivation to be without him. If he goes to therapy and emerges a changed man, say in six months, then you can decide whether or not to be with him. I predict that he will slip back into old habits. He will go to counseling a couple of times to get you off his back and then stop. He may be nice for a while, but he will eventually escalate his behavior. Without clear consequences from you, you are giving him the green light to do it. A therapist told me that my abusive ex would NEVER EVER get better without an intensive program. She said abusers can't rehab themselves. Consider all of this. And from now on, please tell your family the truth about everything. No lying for Rhys, ever. Good luck, Tess. I wish the best for you, but I fear the worst unless you get away from Rhys now. Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I say alpha was blunt but right more experience with this guy isnt going to help her its the knoledge some of us are trying to give her the knowledge she will hopefuly get from a counsler that will put an end to her ignorance, she believes that if she just loves him and cheats on him and stays with him all this will get better I dont think so. Oh and by the way if he hasnt talked to you about the cheating yet be ready for a reall beating. What's wrong you? "Get ready for a real beating?" Is that supposed to be helpful? Link to post Share on other sites
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