Green Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 If you dont go to abuse counsling by yourself atleast watch the movie "Radio Flyer" oh and Godess its supposed to scare her with the reality of what the future with this guy is Link to post Share on other sites
the_alchemyst Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I don't mean to sound harsh here, but: I think that the great advice that many people here have given you has been a waste. I don't understand why you ask for people's opinions, if your rebuttal is always, "Yes, but . . . " You say you are taking things people here have told you into consideration, but my question is: How long are you going to consider things for? Are you trying to pull a Hamlet or something? You say you want to help him. That's nice of you. It really is. But you don't want to understand that your way of trying to "help" him is only hurting him further. You are wrong if you think that men--or people in general--who are prone to violence and whom actually have expressed their violence in physical ways to you change just like that. He did not have an ephiphany. It is good that he is going to counselling, yet it will do him absolutely no good if you keep lying to him, which is what you are doing, imo. You are telling him that "no, he's a good person" and that "no, there is nothing wrong with him" and such, when that is simply not true. Perhaps he is not a "bad" person, but he is certainly not a "good" one either, if he thinks he can hit you and then remedy the situation by giving you mediocre apologies and crocodile tears. Here you have plenty of people telling you to leave him because it if for your benefit. Do you think they want to see you heartbroken and sad? Of course not, but I think they'd prefer you go through this temporary sadness and grief (due to "losing" him) than to go through a lifetime of trauma and misery, because, FYI, situations like these--where the male hits the female--are traumatic to her. But as allina said, you think that you'll just "grow out of it," which is not helping your situation any. I'll be honest and tell you that I don't even know why you ask for advice if all you do is dismiss it all, thinking that others don't "understand" you because they are not "in the situation" or because "you know Rhys more." And while it may be true that the people offering you advice may not be in the same situation right now and while they may not know Rhys as much as you do, it doesn't mean they haven't been there before and it doesn't mean that they can't appreciate the makings of an abusive partner when they see it. I honestly don't understand. If your parents knew about all of this, have you any idea how much grief you would cause them, especially your mom? Why don't you get your priorities straight here, Tess? Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 And I can't enable your behavior anymore by responding to this thread. You are getting a pay-off on the drama. (I know I did when I was in your position.) Big hug to you. Please think about what everyone is saying. At the very least, stop lying to protect Rhys. Things will get better if you do just that one thing. And you will learn to let go of some of the control. Co-dependency is about control. You are a control freak, Tess, even if you don't realize it. You can't control Rhys. You can't change this situation. Give it up. When you can't control things, and they take on a life of their own, it will help YOU. For instance, your dad might call the police. That's out of your control. You have to learn to give it up. And, what's funny is that the things that happen outside of your control can help Rhys. What you are doing is actually HURTING Rhys by not making him confront his dysfunction. Anyway, here I go again. I hope something will sink in. Please just take some kind of action. Just talking and talking about it doesn't change anything. It just feeds the drama and excitement. Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 If you dont go to abuse counsling by yourself atleast watch the movie "Radio Flyer" oh and Godess its supposed to scare her with the reality of what the future with this guy is Oh, ok. Kinda like "Scared Straight." Yeah, ok...gotcha. Hey, maybe that will actually work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 Helping him would be dumping him.. letting him lose the control he has over you.. He has turned this whole thing around and made himself the Poor Victim. .. oh poor me.. I need help for smacking you around and hitting you.. poor me.. You might want to keep your parents in the loop.. What do you think his or your parents would think if they knew he was smacking you around ????? With all the posts from people on LS telling you how serious this is why are you not opening your ears ? He hasn't turned this all around. I believe underneath all this time, he was hurting just as bad as I was/am... I am here to help...that's what girfriends do. They don't ditch someone they love when they find out they CUT THEMSELVES because it's destructive behaviour and "they don't need that in their life right now"... He needs me and it's as clear as day to see. I believe underneath all that anger and cruelness and horrible, horrible ways is a very deep, dark, hurting young boy... Link to post Share on other sites
BareGoddess Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 He hasn't turned this all around. I believe underneath all this time, he was hurting just as bad as I was/am... I am here to help...that's what girfriends do. They don't ditch someone they love when they find out they CUT THEMSELVES because it's destructive behaviour and "they don't need that in their life right now"... He needs me and it's as clear as day to see. I believe underneath all that anger and cruelness and horrible, horrible ways is a very deep, dark, hurting young boy... Yeah right. Been there, done that. Know what "deep, dark, hurting boys do?" Well let me tell you what they do. After they break down like he has and you get all mushy and feeling sorry for them and they rope you back in, they very shortly...I mean after a shockingly short time, get abusive in the WORST way again. Be ready! This is really what they do. They start to feel sorry that they opened up to you this way. They don't like showing their vulnerability and he will take it out on you. You watch. You see. And I'll be shocked if he REALLY goes through with the help. I have big doubts about that...hope I'm wrong though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovestruck234 Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 Ha. You're right, I shouldn't ask for advice on here...it just gets thrown back in my face anyhow... I don't need anyone's help, anyway. Cos "talking about it gets me nowhere". I don't care. Whatever. I can do this on my own...I don't need help... I shuldn't even have to explain myself to any of you...ha, I can't believe this... I really am wasting my time on here, aren't I? Geez, I come here looking for a hand, for support and all people are saying is "this is getting you nowhere..blah blah blah" WEll, you know what? You're right. It's going nowhere... Don't worry, none of you will hear a single thing about Rhys anymore...I'll save you from the torture that you are obviously going through. I don't need to go to some stupid womens abusive counselling sh*t. So I get hit? So what? Women every day are getting hit by their boyfriends/husbands. It won't kill me. I'LL GET OVER IT. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I don't need to go to some stupid womens abusive counselling sh*t. So I get hit? So what? Women every day are getting hit by their boyfriends/husbands. It won't kill me. I'LL GET OVER IT. This right here is your first mistake. . Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I really am wasting my time on here, aren't I? No.. you are not.. We are trying to help you.. The only option you have besides going back to an abusive person is to get away or get out.. He won't get better..it will just be a matter of time till he hits you again.. each time he hits you your self esteem goes down and it will be harder to get away from him.. Keep posting Tess Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 O I forgot to add this. Maybe I'm wrong here but a REAL man would NEVER hit their girl. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I don't need to go to some stupid womens abusive counselling sh*t. So I get hit? So what? Women every day are getting hit by their boyfriends/husbands. It won't kill me. I'LL GET OVER IT. It might kill you, and no, you won't just get over it. Women who are being hit every day by the men in their lives are being abused. Not one single man in my life has ever hit me. It's not normal to hit people. I don't deserve to be hit. No one does. That you are starting to think it's ok to get hit, and that you'll just get over it, is exactly what happens when people are abused. You expect it. You think you've done something to deserve it. You start to think it's normal. IT IS NOT NORMAL. Whether Rhys hits you or cuts himself, IT IS NOT NORMAL. He is damaged, yes, and he needs help. You are not equipped to help him. He needs a professional. It is, however, your responsibility to get help for yourself. Whether Rhys hits you or cuts himself, YOU NEED HELP. You are not equipped to deal with this on your own. You need a professional. Personally, I don't have any issues if you take Rhys to a counselor. Anything that will get YOU in front of a counselor is beneficial, I think. As soon as he tells her he's cutting himself, and he's doing so because he's been hitting you, she will see that you get a counselor of your own. And that's the best thing that could ever happen to you. You are 17. You need help. There's nothing wrong with that. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 It is never okay to hit, shove, push, bite, slap, throw, punch, and so on. Also, abuse is nothing but having power and control over that person. Where they go, what they do, who their friends are, when they can see their family, all the way down to what to cook and when to have sex. It is not just about the actual hitting, etc.. but about verbal and psychological abuse that can be devastating in so many ways and can break a person down to where they feel worthless, ugly, stupid, among many others. The reason some women and men think it is okay is because their father, grandfather, brother, uncles, have been abusive for years and that is all they know. It is called the "Cycle of Violence" and until something happens like being arrested or pay some consequence for their actions it will not stop and sometimes then it doesn't. Trust us this is very serious and only escalates over time. Many women who have been killed or hurt very badly. Many laws have changed to protect the victim and to many resources are available now so they won't have to stay in any relationship like that. Ever heard the saying "if they hit you once it will happen again and again and again" no matter how many times they say how sorry they are. Also, if children are involved and grow up in this manner guess what they are going to do as adults? That is one way to break the cycle!!!!! Not saying that you were hit by anyone else but this is just a general across the board thing that may pertain to someone else here. This could even be why he is a abuser too. He might be part of that cycle and if you by some mean had children, then God help. Those women have also been taught by various events in their early life that a relationship like this is ok, that's just the way things are, or that they "deserve" it for some reason. This is so not true and many don't leave because they think that it can get better or this is as good a relationship can be. Wrong again. I know you feel like it's a waste of time because you want us to say that what he's doing is ok. Sorry not going to do that. Why say it's ok when it's not. If we do then were just as bad as he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Hey LS234 Some people here are concerned for your well being. From this outsiders point of view it is very unsettling reading about you being in an abusive relationship. Yes! that's what it is. Yes it's true, your boyfriend needs help. You need help too! You should talk to your parents about this, if you can't, you need to talk to someone (in person)! In your situation, this forum is not the place to seek help/advice. I won't tell you to leave this guy, but if you decide to stay with this guy, I will ask you to make yourself a promise to leave this guy (forever) when/if the abuse starts again. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Tess, This is the Power and Control Wheel of domestic violence http://www.menweb.org/battered/pcwheel.htm This is a printable wheel in pdf form http://www.duluth-model.org/documents/PhyVio.pdf Maybe you will recognize some of his behavior.. this wheel is the wheel used by therapists Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I know I'm jumping in late in the game, but I was in the same situation as you at your age. And it took getting pregnant and protecting my child to leave him and never, ever looking back. FYI-(and I don't care what kind of lines he's feeding you.) He won't stop hitting you. He won't stop verbally abusing you. His remorse, and hell, his cutting is about controlling you and using your kind heart against you. Nothing more. Most men are way, way above this behavior and would never consider such actions. And KMT is right in his prediction---when your boyfriend finds out you cheated (and he will), he'll not only just blame you instead of his friend, but he'll use it as a justification for everything else he does to you. And I hope to God that you don't allow it because you somehow feel you deserve it. He's not gonna change. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Tess, I don't talk about some of my past marriage on LS much ..unless it is to joke around about it.. What i'm posting about isn't a joke I was an abused husband.. She used to hit or punch me in the face when she was mad at me or she wanted to get her way. I joke sometimes that divorcing her saved my life.. Well it did .. literally. I spent years in counseling trying to fix my marriage and change her.. she wasn't changeable.. She was a bipolar abuser..who grew up in a home where domestic violence was the norm and she brought it into our marriage. I could go on and on about stories of abuse..verbal, physical, financial but in the end the only solution for me was to remove her from my life.. That is the only way the abuse stops.. Link to post Share on other sites
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