norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Megnog, may I ask why you spend so much time wondering about those things? Why does it matter so much to you what goes through your boyfriend's mind while he masturbates or why or when or how he masturbates? Why do you spend so many precious moments of life deciding what feels wrong to you about your bf's masturbation? I swear, I never wonder about such things. I consider masturbation a private thing, and I extend the same right of privacy to his masturbatory thoughts without feeling the need to be upset about what he might or might not be thinking. Why is this such a huge issue for you? Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Why is this such a huge issue for you? Well the question wasn't directed at me but I will tell you why I find it a big deal. Like I said earlier I work very hard to look good for my bf and to think of him masturbating to a picture of another women means he is thinking about sleeping with her and that is very offensive to me. I don't have any need to think about other men my bf is hot enough to turn me on and I don't need another man to do it for me. So I just don;t see why I can't be enough for him. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Well the question wasn't directed at me but I will tell you why I find it a big deal. Like I said earlier I work very hard to look good for my bf and to think of him masturbating to a picture of another women means he is thinking about sleeping with her and that is very offensive to me. I don't have any need to think about other men my bf is hot enough to turn me on and I don't need another man to do it for me. So I just don;t see why I can't be enough for him. I guess my question is more why do you think of these things in the first place? Why wonder what porn means to him, why wonder if he's thinking about ex gf's, why wonder if he's thinking of threesomes or moresomes, why worry about it? Why look for things to worry about and make determinations if it feels wrong, and especially, why think that it's a reflection on YOU? I mean, I honestly never wondered what or why my SO or any of my former SO's have thought about during masturbation. Before I came to this site, it never even occurred to me that people got upset about what crosses his mind during masturbation. It's a sexual fantasy. I don't want to sound preachy, but I think it might be helpful (in the sense you'd feel less upset) if you picked up a book called "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday, and especially her book called "Men in Love." She's done a series of books on women's fantasies over the years - the books are a compilation of real fantasies published as written and submitted to her for the books, and each section has a lot of psych-type commentary that helps you understand them and what they might mean to women. The "Men in Love" book is similar, but it's a compliation of men's fantasies and what they mean to the men who have them. It might really open your eyes and help you feel more comfortable with the fleeting thoughts in your guy's head. Sexual fantasies really aren't as sinister as you currently believe. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 I feel like it is a reflection on me because if he is thinking about other women then I am not able to keep him intersted therefore I am lacking in someway. It is an insult. I don't need or want to imagine myself with other people so I don't see why he needs to. It is gross and basically telling me I am not attractive enough for him. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 I feel like it is a reflection on me because if he is thinking about other women then I am not able to keep him intersted therefore I am lacking in someway. It is an insult. I don't need or want to imagine myself with other people so I don't see why he needs to. It is gross and basically telling me I am not attractive enough for him. That is YOUR interpretation of it, not his. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Yes but I do not have to date someone who disrespects me like this. Thankfully my bf for the most part is good when it comes to this. At least he is now. (Kinda funny actually I lost 30 pounds, changed my hair, and got a tan and his porn use went waaaaaaaaaaaay down.... so you can't tell me its not somehow related to the way the SO looks.) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Yes but Just because you think and you interpret his fantasies to mean he thinks you're lacking in some way, or that he thinks you're not attractive enough doesn't make it true; it doesn't mean he thinks that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Just because you think and you interpret his fantasies to mean he thinks you're lacking in some way, or that he thinks you're not attractive enough doesn't make it true; it doesn't mean he thinks that at all. Explain to me why then once I lost all that weight and changed my look his porn use went way down. If it doesn't have to do with how I look then what exactly was the reason it went down? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Explain to me why then once I lost all that weight and changed my look his porn use went way down. If it doesn't have to do with how I look then what exactly was the reason it went down? Have you asked him why? Maybe he got tired of the porn because it's ultimately pretty dull. Maybe he got tired of you telling him how disrespectful it was and being on his case about it. Maybe he's still doing it but hiding it better. I don't know why, but if you're wondering, you should ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Have you asked him why? Maybe he got tired of the porn because it's ultimately pretty dull. Maybe he got tired of you telling him how disrespectful it was and being on his case about it. Maybe he's still doing it but hiding it better. I don't know why, but if you're wondering, you should ask him. He has cancelled his playboy subscription and no longer has porn on his computer harddrive. So I don't think its because he is hiding it better. I have asked him and he has said why do I need porn if you looked like ..... wife then I would. So you can't tell me porn doesn't have to do with the way people look at least to some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 I can't believe I read through that entire post, I have too much freaking time on my hands . . . My wife is incredibly beautiful and has a model's body. In fact, she was a fashion model for 7 years before she settled down to do real estate. Even so, I still look at porn and masturbate. She knows I do this, but I don't do it in front of her because I'm not comfortable with that . . . yet. My previous girlfriend loved to watch me wank and would read nasty stories to me. It never hurt my feelings that this prose turned her on. But back to my wife and the masturbation and porn. It is accepted. I don't stop, not out of disrespect, but because I think it would be detrimental to the health of our relationship, and I don't want to vent my sexual frustrations by screwing some accommodating female staff at work. My wife whistles and squeals occasionally during movie scenes where a hunky male protagonist must magically lose his shirt in order to save the world. I think it's pretty funny. She has admitted to me she masturbates with the shower head. I don't ask her what she is thinking about, because I know it's not me most of the time, if ever. I don't ask her if she wants a bigger penis. I don't want to know if she wants me to have a washboard stomach. I don't ask if she thinks my nose is too flat. Because I know the answers to these things, and the way she feels is beyond my control. I just trust that she chose to be with me after the many men before her, and that provides enough security for me to live a happy life. With a long-standing relationship, that initial passion and stuff gives way to companionship. Which is not to say we don't have hot sex, but suffice it to say I think of lots of interesting things during intercourse. She loves me. I work out, take care of things around the house, and am hit on constantly by nurses in the hospitals I rotate through. I think she appreciates what she has, and I would never forsake her and ruin what we have by squirting into somebody else. All of these frustrations do have some sort of root in insecurity. The insecurity is not unfounded. Given a choice, with all else being equal (personality, morals, etc. etc.), most men my age would want a hot, sexy, girl with a killer body like the girls in porn videos. It's about finding a balance for what is realistic with what makes you insecure. I think my wife and I are doing a good job, we've been together for six years now and the relationship just keeps getting better. Yes, yes, I know it's not THAT long compared to some of you old-timers, but it's a good start, I believe. Sometimes the sex is blase, and sometimes I swear I'm almost back to the premature ejaculation days Real life includes fantastasizing. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 norajane, i don't choose to think about these things. maybe my mind works against me.. but these are thoughts that pop into my head. i can't help it. i can perhaps tell myself not to think of these things, but of course.. this will make me wonder more. sorry its displeasing to you.. but i'm sure i'm not the only woman who wonders these things. and fyi, i don't wonder what he jerks to .. i'd rather not think about that.. but i do wonder if hes jerked to his ex girlfriend. that, to me, would be upsetting because i guess i've always kind of thought i was a rebound. even after two years, its still in my mind. i've found out a lot of stuff about his ex and it seems like he was MADLY in love with her so excuse me for having an insecurity about that. if hes with me, i want him to want to be with me for good reasons. and sometimes i'm just not too sure... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 megnog, it's not 'displeasing' to me that you think of these things; that's not why I was asking. I just wonder why you dwell on them cause it seems to be eating you up inside. Wondering if he masturbates to thoughts of his ex seems to be counterproductive as you couldn't do anything about it even if he were and it's making you more insecure. We can't ever know what people really think about when they masturbate as we can't look into their heads. So why worry about what he might be thinking about or not? Replace your worries with something more positive, like the way he looks into your eyes when you're having sex or the way he smiles at you over dinner or the way he hugs you tight...things you know for a fact are real. Since you can't know what he's thinking, it's just as easy to imagine that he's thinking of you. If you have actual problems in your relationship, deal with those and work on making those better rather than imagining problems you can't do anything about and wasting your time fretting about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Spurned Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Porn is only good in moderation. I make the effort to keep it at a reasonable level and not to masturbate too much because I think it takes away from sex with my girlfriend. I want my body hot for her, especially if I haven't seen her for a while. Never do I bust a nut just before she's coming over! But I still want it and have it when I'm alone, baby! Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 i understand what you're saying. its something that is useless to worry about because i will never know for sure, and i can always second guess myself. i understand that part. but i can't be sure that that part of me will ever go away. what can i do about it? break up with him.. learn to deal with stuff on my own, then try to go for a relationship again. i don't know, i'm a royal mess. but back to the subject of porn.. taken men look at porn because they love the naked female body. they love to look at many different woman. and i've thought about this one too - even the most beautiful girl in the world could be dating a guy and he will still look at porn. because guys are stupid and horny all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 I agree guys can be stupid at times, but I don't think they are stupid because they are more in touch with their sexuality. If women were more like guys, peoples sex lives would be alot healthier! Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 right now i'm in my happy mood so i'll have to agree with you. why can't we just go back to the 70's? Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 LOL! Peace man! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 i know everyone is probably trying to put this thread behind them because its so overused... but let me just say one last thing.. for guys your dick is small and your out of shape..your a bit insecure about it. you find your SO's porn collection and its allllllll about big dicks and hot men and gorgeous rock hard bodies. and then you find out she masturbates to them everyday. so.. every guy out there is saying they wouldn't get a bit jealous? they wouldn't care at ALL? they would just assume is the actions they are doing? its not at all about their gorgeous bodies and your lack thereof. no no, shes not imagining those hunky guys f*king her, shes imagining you.. the entire time.. yeah right. so its not bad. i'd rather not think about my guy jerking off to other women, but i'm not going to start anything about it. i just want guys to have an insight because its not equal. at all. its really not. and i think guys don't realize how bad it can be and how nowadays its made out to be that every woman should have barbie sized proportions. and while men can say they don't care if shes big or small, the porn they look at reflects otherwise. alright thats it. thank you for your time I take another view on this from one of the other posters who appeared to agree and see a new point of view with this post. It almost seems what it comes down to is the insecurity of the SO. If the male is secure with themselves, then they most likely wouldn't be bothered by any of that. And if the woman is secure with themselves, then they wouldn't have the problem with their man looking at porn. Could it be that the insecurity of the SO is the root to it all. A secure man/woman will be fine, while an insecure man/woman will hate/end the relationship because of these actions? If it is that all people who are insecure have a problem with their SO looking at porn, then maybe the problem is not the looking at porn, but the insecurity of the "other" person. And maybe seeking help or finding a way to get rid of those insecurities is the real fix to these situations. I'd like to know or see some sort of stats that can show the relationship between an insecure person and their reaction to their SO looking at porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 I have no problem with my S/O maturbating, or thinking about a studly man with a "as you stated" big ****. Actually would be nice If I were involved in the fanstasy, but hey fantasy is part of a good healthy sex life IMO. Sounds weird, but I have had strange fantasies about her being pleasured by more than just me, whether it be another man or woman (I actually encourage her to use her toys here and there). I guess I'm really open about my sexuality, which took me years to get this way due to my religous upbringing. As I stated before, 99 percent of my sexual fantasies have my S/O involved as part of the fantasy, the other 1% I"ll keep to myself. Of course, I quite confident with my looks and my body though! roost Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted September 10, 2006 Share Posted September 10, 2006 i think it was the member rain that was also fighting this topic about how porn is offensive but i don't think she is insecure. i'll admit i am, and thats probably a good reason as to why some women may dislike their boys watching porn.. but i don't think its the only reason. rain was saying that she tries hard to look good for her man, and i think all women do this at one point or another.. makeup, hair, exercise, eat healthy, (not all of this is just for men.. but can be) and then her sO needs to get off to other women for some reason? its like.. why couldn't he just imagine her? because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. theres nothing stopping men from watching porn and since they like naked bodies.. they will continue. but i do agree with her because i understand her viewpoint that why do guys have to watch porn when they love someone else? the person that they love should be beautiful inside and out to them and that would make more sense to jerk one off to, right?? Link to post Share on other sites
cutegirl Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I have no moral problems with porn, I personally like to watch porn, but I'm a hypocrite because I get EXTREMELY upset when my bf watches it. I find it different somehow. I justify it due to the fact that when I watch porn myself I'm not focusing on the guy in the scene, I'm focusing on the sex action, but I feel like if a GUY is watching porn he is focusing on the FEMALE PORN ACTRESS and focusing on her body parts and curves... I don't know if that's logically thinking or not. To be honest I don't find porn demeaning, my morals and ethics aren't exactly the highest. The main problem I have with it is my own insecurites and because it's a HUGE blow to my personal ego. I want my bf to only look at me and no one else. I would get more upset if my bf was looking at a solo picture or movie of a girl by herself than if it were a couple or couples or multiple people in action. Because if he is looking at a girl just posing he is focused only on that girl (I can't help but want all that attention on ME). But if he is looking at people just having sex and screwing that is understandable because I find that hot as well. I don't focus on the guys ass and chest and body parts when watching porn. I only watch the action. My bf likes to go to this site called Bangbros and look at pics of girls with big butts. I don't HAVE a big butt, I'm just built slender. I can eat as much as I want and probably never develop a huge jiggly bubble butt. It irks me to the point where I'm searching about butt implants in google. It makes me feel inadequate that he looks at girls with body types that aren't mine! He also looks at girls with my body type, but sometimes he will look at those big butt girls and it really irritates me. I'm thin naturally and not curvy and as thick as those girls, I wouldn't mind being thicker though since that's the body type that's hot these days. The thing is that I work from home so I'm home 24 hours and his pc is right next to mine so I can see everything he does, and I admit I check his history and also his temp files and explorer cache and all kinds of stuff. He doesn't go to Bangbros a lot, he goes there maybe twice a month....or three times a month. And he doesn't have a membership, he just clicks on the free pics and preview trailers on the tour, but that's already enough to piss me off! At least he entirely quit watching tapes. I know because I locked it up in the garage with lock and key and there is only one video tape player and that's in the livingroom where my home office is (and I'm home just about all day long so it's not possible for him to watch porn.) So at least he doesn't have tapes to watch but he just likes to check out the tour on Bangbros. At least he doesn't have a membership, I know because I check his credit card bills and don't see anything at all from credit card processors which bill for porn sites. Link to post Share on other sites
cutegirl Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Also, I asked my bf what his specific "type" was or what kinds of girls turn him on specifically, is it the certain way she looks? I asked him which of those girls he thought was the hottest or appealed most to him. He claimed that when he is horny any body parts will do regardless of who their attached to, he says he clicks stuff at random. I don't think this is completely true. There must be SOMETHING attractive about the girl for him to click a picture of her or something about her that appeals to him. I find it hard to believe that "any body part of any girl" will do. Like any ass will do or any vagina... lol I think he just says this because if he admits which girl is attractive it will make me steaming mad and I will ask for which specific features about that girl he likes, and then I will compare myself to her... And I would tell him that if he likes something that I don't have (such as a big ass) I'll tell him to go find a girl with a big ass and go screw her. Why would he settle for me if I'm not his ideal type? If he wants a girl with big ass go ahead go look for her and leave me alone. Don't do ME any favours. I don't need pity. We talked about this before and he claims that I'm his ideal type and that I have the "perfect proportion" and that's it not about tits and ass and that he's looking for more than that, but it makes me think that "if it's not all about tits and ass", then why does he look at girls that have more tits and ass than me??????? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 but I feel like if a GUY is watching porn he is focusing on the FEMALE PORN ACTRESS and focusing on her body parts and curves... I don't know if that's logically thinking or not.es, and then I will compare myself to her... And if you choose to believe that the world is flat, does that make it flat? If you choose to believe your bf cares nothing about your personality, your laugh, your kisses, and everything about you and only cares about your face and body so to him it would be worth it to throw you out to have a better face and body no matter how awful the pesonality, does that make it true? Why do you insult your bf by thinking he'd dump you over looks? Would you toss him out if a hunky guy turned up even if the guy was a total jerk? OF COURSE NOT. So how rotten is it of you to think so little of your bf??? If your bf thought you were that shallow and disloyal, wouldn't you be insulted? And yet you think he's shallow and disloyal. Nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Men pull up in their minds favorite porn faces, body parts, pretend orgy.....and/or .their favorite little porn mini-movies and play them out in their minds with their wives/girlfriend, imaging they are boinking the porn, not their authentic wives/girlfriends. Basically, the wife/girlfriend is the slippery wet "hole" to deposit sperm in. me fiance looks at porn when im not in, why is this?, i find out because he doesnt think to delete the downloads off media player, i mean, we have sex every day so why does he do need to look at all this, am i right to feel hurt by this and not good enough or do men look at this in a diffrent way to us. i dont no how to feel but its making me feel sick and insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
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